Chapter 2: the book addict rejoins the world

[Suzi]

How you doing love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired. I woke up with J's alarm and didn't get back to sleep. By half 8 I'd showered, had breakfast, emptied the dishwasher, fed the cat and been to the village shop! The rest of the day will be spent plodding through my assignment on the sofa!

My study buddy!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/vcix0gatnvigr63/20191118_084343.jpg?raw=1

[Suzi]

Nice sofa! Hello study buddy!

Don't forget to drink! :)

[Mira]

You were busy this morning. I do like getting things out of the way as soon as possible. And on the couch doing some studying is also an energy drainer. But I am sure your study buddy can help with that :)

[Jaquaia]

Toby is a little bugger. The back door is bricked up now so they need to use the patio doors to get out. As soon as the kitchen door was opened he tried to go and investigate! No you daft cat! Just gone up to check on him and he was asleep in a plastic box on top of the wardrobe!!!

[Paula]

Pretty cat (inlove)

[Jaquaia]

J calls him Judas as everytime I'm here he comes to me when J calls him (giggle)

[Paula]

(rofl) cats are fickle

[Suzi]

Lol! Bless him!

[Angie]

He is lovely and a typical cat lol

[Jaquaia]

Turns out the kitchen is being started on Thursday, except J says his parents didn't confirm that with him and I only found out yesterday afternoon. He's on 12 hour day shifts, his last one is tomorrow, so guess what I've ended up having to do?

So far come across 2 save the date magnets, their wedding cake knife and cake slice, a wedding present and a wedding present to her from her mum. It's been fun....

[Paula]

Can you not think about what it represents, and just think of it as crap that needs to be got rid of?

[Jaquaia]

Bit hard when I'm home alone and it's not my stuff to make that decision about. He's mentioned before whether he's unsure if he should keep it for the children

[Mira]

I can see why thats hard. And maybe not an ideal thing to be doing by yourself? Maybe together. I know he does not have a lot of time. But still.

[Paula]

Bit hard when I'm home alone and it's not my stuff to make that decision about. He's mentioned before whether he's unsure if he should keep it for the children

I kept my wedding and engagement rings, and the wedding photo album for Katie and gave them to her when she was old enough. So I can understand why he’d want to store some bits - but not that much

[OldMike]

Cats are gorgeous aren't they, especially black ones (inlove)

[Jaquaia]

I kept my wedding and engagement rings, and the wedding photo album for Katie and gave them to her when she was old enough. So I can understand why he’d want to store some bits - but not that much

I've since found a photo album she gave him early on for Valentine's hidden in the pan cupboard... my day gets better.


Cats are gorgeous aren't they, especially black ones (inlove)

He is lovely, a little twat but lovely

[Suzi]

Hunni, I really think that this isn't your responsibility - surely he should be doing this. I know he's working, but maybe, just maybe he needs to either not go into work or actually stay up late and sort it. He appears to not be dealing with any of moving her stuff out unless you are prompting him or doing it for him..... The same as him not telling that children about you... You're a much more patient person than I am. I couldn't live like that....

I worry that you're not valuing yourself as important enough to be put first and counted.....

[Paula]

How are you doing, gorgeous?

[Jaquaia]

Much better today. Just got back from the hospital. I mentioned the stiffness though my bloods are the best they've ever been apparently so the RA seems to be under control. She ordered x-rays of my wrists and ankles, so had those done this morning, and she's sending me for ultrasounds too just to check, but she's going to look at reducing my meds if everything comes back ok. Oh, and apparently I'm hypermobile too! First I've ever heard of it! Then his mum and dad took me for lunch. They've given me my birthday present, 2 books signed to me from the authors!!!

I got an email today telling me I've passed my level 1 (party) oh and I'm another 4kg (almost 9lbs) down!!!

[Paula]

Ah, welcome to the club ;)

(party) congratulations, of course you passed though - never doubted it

And, blimey, there’ll be nothing of you!

[Jaquaia]

Thank you! I still have an awful lot of weight to lose but it's a bloody good start!!!

[Mira]

Sounds like the whole day is a win so far. How awesome you lost weight. Even if you still have some more to lose. Its great.

[Suzi]

Wow that's amazing! Well done! You're amazing!

[Angie]

Sounds like a really good day sweetie, congratulations on the pass and weight loss.

[Mira]

How is the time you spend with J? Doing some fun stuff?

[Jaquaia]

We're going to the pub tonight!!! It's a proper village pub, there's even a duck pond in the village! That's how village-y it is!!! And perhaps the huge thing for me is I've been to the shop twice and walked across to his parents this morning and felt no anxiety. That's never happened to me somewhere I don't really know. It's been nice just being able to snuggle up with him in an evening though. I feel happy and peaceful here. And there was the most beautiful red sky tonight.

[Mira]

Thats sounds wonderful. I am so happy you are having this experience. To me thats what its about. Feeling good and enjoying the time together.

I hope you have a great evening. Enjoy (nod)

[Angie]

Aww am glad you having such a good time sweetie xx

[Suzi]

So glad you're having a lovely time hunni...

[Paula]

How was the pub?

[Jaquaia]

It was lovely! His dad's friends were really welcoming, I laughed so much. And the sky on the way back! It was so clear! I've never seen so many stars before, it was beautiful!

[Angie]

Glad that you had a good time hunni x

[Mira]

Thats so nice. How wonderful you had such an evening.

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you! You deserve nothing but wonderfulness

[Paula]

It’s wonderful to see you so happy!

[Jaquaia]

I've had a lovely day today. I've got some lovely gifts off James, my parents and his parents. I laughed so much when I unwrapped a bottle of matey bubble bath from James (rofl). He took me to a lovely café in the Yorkshire Wolds for lunch and they do the best brownies!!! And if was my choice for tea when I got home! It's been quiet but for the first time in my life, I got to wake up on my birthday next to someone who loves me, next to someone who puts so much thought into my gifts that it often takes my breath away anf I feel so lucky and blessed.

[Paula]

That’s so lovely to hear :)

[Angie]

I'm so pleased for you sweetie xx

[Suzi]

So thrilled for you lovely.

[Mira]

Awesome. Sounds like a great time. And mmmm brownies. Me like :)

[Mira]

Hey Jaq, I am wondering how you are doing? I hope that since your birthday the days have been good.

[Suzi]

Hope you're having a lovely birthday weekend!

[Jaquaia]

It's been good! Went out for hot chocolate with Sarah on Friday and she stayed tea, we all went out for a meal yesterday at a lovely country pub and the food was amazing!!! She gets on really well with my parents! She's suggested taking Talia out somewhere before she goes home today. Socialising so much is exhausting though!

I got an email on my birthday telling me I've passed my level 1 in counselling, so extra present I wasn't expecting! I got some amazing presents, my mum and dad bought me the complete Luther boxset, the Librarian of Auschwitz, and book 4 and a book of short stories from the Miss Peregrine series. My brother bought me Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom by Leigh Bardugo (me joining a book group on fb was dangerous as I'm finding so many recommendations (giggle)). J's parents went to a literary event in Beverley a month or so back and attended talks by the authors Kate Ellis and Ann Cleeves. They only got them to personally sign books to me!!! Though Ann Cleeves got confused and wrote Happy Christmas (rofl). And J was his usual amazing self. He took me into some of the bookshops in Beverley and asked if there were any books I actually wanted after saying I shouldn't buy any and I pointed out Cilka's Journey by Heather Morris and briefly mentioned being interested in reading some Philip Larkin. Well... he went back into Beverley and bought me Cilka's Journey. And the complete works of Philip Larkin. And The Desert Spear by Peter V. Brett. And a Mark Morriss album. And a Bluetones live CD that I never even knew existed. And a bottle of bubble bath!
I feel very lucky and spoilt but my to read piles are starting to wobble... (giggle)

[Suzi]

That's such a brilliant post!

[Jaquaia]

Oh and I have a 2 week extension for the essay due tomorrow after actually telling my tutor that the pain I've had in my hands and wrists has affected how long I could actually sit and work for!

[Suzi]

I'm so glad that you told them! Well done love!

OO I got some of thermoskin gloves - they're so weird! But they do indeed help. Thank you.

[Jaquaia]

They're brilliant and so much easier to type in than my splints!

[Angie]

Aww an amazing post x

[Suzi]

Very much so!

[Paula]

Oh and I have a 2 week extension for the essay due tomorrow after actually telling my tutor that the pain I've had in my hands and wrists has affected how long I could actually sit and work for!

I am so proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I just tried to be sensible

[Suzi]

You are amazing!

[Mira]

That was sensible. And that shows self care. And I love it :)

How is the coming week looking for you?

[Jaquaia]

I have the washing to do and an assignment due in on Thursday. Going for lunch with J tomorrow though.

[Suzi]

Can you do it pacing style?

[Jaquaia]

I can try. My essay looks really interesting, 1000 words on the role of the biopsychosocial model in diagnosis of depression

[Suzi]

Sounds interesting!

[OldMike]

I can try. My essay looks really interesting, 1000 words on the role of the biopsychosocial model in diagnosis of depression

(hedgehog) Simples (giggle) I'm sure you'll ace it (nod)

[Suzi]

How's the pacing going?

[Jaquaia]

Last wash is in but only just had chance to sit down and start my assignment...

[Suzi]

How come? What happened to pacing?

[Jaquaia]

Showered while the first wash was in. Had lunch when I put the 2nd wash in and finished my book, then put the last wash in (giggle)

[Suzi]

OK, I'll let you off then! :)

[Paula]

How are you doing this evening?

[Jaquaia]

I've made a good start on my assignment so put it away anf reading for a bit

[Suzi]

Good for you lovely!

[Jaquaia]

J took me out for lunch today and I went and picked up my certificate and feedback on my essay. My feedback is excellent, much better than I expected but I'm actually feeling really proud of myself.

[Mira]

Oh how pleased I am to hear that. It is truly something to be proud of. And it lands even better if you feel that too. Congratulations on your certificate.

How was the lunch? And I hope the rest of the day was as lovely.

[Jaquaia]

It was lovely! We get pizza from a place in the indoor market and it's absolutely gorgeous! We grabbed a few stocking fillers for the kids too and I got some sleepsuits and scratch mitts for Eleanor for Christmas. They have dinosaurs and unicorns on!!!

[Suzi]

Can't beat dinosaurs and unicorns!

Well done on your feedback - you are amazing!

[Jaquaia]

James is amazing!!! I finished one of the books he bought me for my birthday yesterday and told him I loved it. The 3rd book in the series arrived today and it was a total surprise! (inlove)

[Paula]

Well done you!

[Mira]

Thats great. And you are both amazing in my book :)

[Suzi]

Aww!

How are you today love? Can you work on drinking today?

[Jaquaia]

Working on drinking. Had 2 glasses so far. Not great but better than yesterday. Lots of working today and tomorrow. I'm 700 words through a 1000 word evaluation table and then have a 1000 word essay on mental illness diagnosis to write by midnight tomorrow. Plus a tutorial tonight, The Apprentice and a driving lesson first thing!

[Mira]

That is a lot. But you are doing good work. I hope you are proud of yourself. I know I am.

And saying you are working on drinking is good. You will get there. Baby steps.

[Jaquaia]

Yeah so I haven't just come upstairs to cry...

J has told Thomas about me...

[magie06]

That's wonderful news. How did he take it?

[Jaquaia]

J said he seemed ok about it but I'll find out what was said later. I'm in shock. I honestly didn't think they'd know about me before Christmas and now I'm worrying about what T thinks and what Cruella will say when she finds out and terrified of the next step which is meeting them and worried J only told him because he felt pressured.

To quote J, I'm being a right Kerry!

[Paula]

Thats brilliant news! It really, really is! This is the next (rather important) step towards the rest of your life. T will be fine, especially when he meets you and sees how wonderful you are and how happy you make J. And, tbh, if feeling pressured is the reason J finally told him, he’s told him, that’s what really matters :)

[Jaquaia]

You know what I'm like! I wasn't expecting him to tell him today and it's completely thrown me.

No idea how the hell I'm going to make it through our vows with how easily I cry now!!!

[Paula]

(giggle) I love how that’s not just me anymore

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to have pockets put into my dress so I can have tissues on me!!!

[Suzi]

That's awesome!!!! So pleased for you!

[Mira]

I am so pleased with this. I can totaly see why you could worry about things. But this is a great step in the right direction. Perfect.

[Jaquaia]

800 words to go!!! Send chocolate!!!

[Suzi]

*sending bucket loads of chocolate*

[Jaquaia]

Decided to put it away for tonight. I'll have all afternoon and evening tomorrow to finish it.

[Suzi]

Sounds like a sensible plan ;)

[Mira]

Good idea. Today turned out to be an eventfull day.

[Mira]

How are you today? Did you hear anything about it went?

[Paula]

Hey, lovely. You’re quiet .....

[Jaquaia]

Driving lesson, J popped to see me for an hour and was here waiting when Bob dropped me back. Half hour phone call with OU student support so they could check how I'm doing with full time study. Currently stuffing my face with a chocolate orange to get me through this essay!!!

PS... I did a turn in the road!!!

[Suzi]

That all sounds so positive!

Can I ask a question? I know J has told T - how old are the kids? (Sorry can't remember anything today) and what about telling his little princess?

[Jaquaia]

T is 10 on Christmas Day and A is 5 in February. He told T in front of A but she was in a world of her own playing on the tablets in McDonald's. He thinks it will be easier just introducing her to me.

It turns out they've already met her bloke, and a few times by the sounds of things and she's trying to sort out them meeting his daughter. She hasn't said anything about it and strangely enough, kicked right off at him last night about having a new kitchen fitted, threatened him with going for full custody if he moves. Part of me thinks it won't last as she's too obsessed with what J is up to for someone who is supposed to be moving on.

T isn't keen on him having a daughter. He seemed quite impressed by the fact we met at uni and asked if I had children. J said he told him that he thinks he prefers it that I don't have children and then asked if I like trains! (giggle). J told him I didn't have the same interest but he liked that I like the railway museum and going on trains and told him that I took him on the NYMR when he went last month. Apparently me liking books is a bonus too!

[magie06]

Those kids are in for a brilliant surprise when you meet them. They are smart enough to ask all the important questions and it won't be long before you are train spotting and reading books together.
As for Cruella I wouldn't worry about her in the least. It will be you putting the Christmas tree up in that sitting room, it will be you pulling the crackers around that table and you will have loads and loads and loads of nights snuggled up in front of that fire.
Her days are over, and you should feel smug that you love J and she doesn't know what she's missing.

[Jaquaia]

She's let an amazing, kind, caring man go and her loss is my gain. And we're building a beautiful home together, ready for when I move in. My past means I truly appreciate how wonderful he is, even if he can be hard work at times.

I'm already thinking of books I can introduce Thomas to! I love the fact that he's made sure they're both readers.

[Suzi]

I've said it all along, those children are going to be the luckiest children in the world having you in their lives. You are kind, compassionate, caring, intelligent, wonderful, funny and adoring. You are fantastic!

[Jaquaia]

You brought tears to my eyes with that. I don't see myself as anything special, I never have. I'm scared that they'll hate me. I'm scared that when she finds out they know about me she will try and turn them against me and I hate being scared all the time. I hate not knowing.

It did amuse me that James put his dad on the spot last night. He said the look on his face when he walked in and J said to Thomas "Grandpa likes Kerry! You can ask him" (giggle)

[Paula]

That sounds so positive. Tbh, love, the only way to stop her trying to turn them against you would be to meet them ASAP. Let them make their own minds up

[Mira]

I agree. The children will be so happy with you. No plotting or plans or weirdness. But more of the normal stuff. Caring about people and making a home instead of wrecking things. And thats going to be a stable Enjoyable factor. And that will be because of you both. And love ofcourse.

[Suzi]

You brought tears to my eyes with that. I don't see myself as anything special, I never have. I'm scared that they'll hate me. I'm scared that when she finds out they know about me she will try and turn them against me and I hate being scared all the time. I hate not knowing.

It did amuse me that James put his dad on the spot last night. He said the look on his face when he walked in and J said to Thomas "Grandpa likes Kerry! You can ask him" (giggle)
Those children aren't going to know what's hit them. Someone who actually cares about them, what's going on in their lives, what they think, what they are doing, someone to reassure them when things are hard, a constant support.... Honestly I can't imagine anyone better....
Strike while the iron's hot - suggest to J that you get to meet them soon! Maybe set up a picnic with a trip to the railway museum?

[magie06]

I agree. It's time to pull that nettle and get the first meeting over and done with. You are going to be nervous, the kids will be nervous and J will be nervous. But next week it's December and the children will be practicing for a school play of some sort. The excitement of Christmas will hit them and surely it's better to meet them sooner rather than later?

[Jaquaia]

I'll just have to wait and see when he decides to arrange me meeting them.

[Paula]

There’s nothing stopping you gently encouraging .....

[Jaquaia]

It never gets me anywhere

[Paula]

Really? Or do you really not see that, even if he says no, it still tends to happen anyway ....

[Jaquaia]

To be honest, after all the "it has to be right for the children" I'm wondering what about me? He said about logistics and him working but I pointed out he has the 2 weekends before Christmas off... "maybe"

I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like everyone has control over my life but me.

[Paula]

Then maybe you need to take some control and insist that this is the right thing to do before Christmas. The kids are important but so are you.

[Mira]

Paula does make a good point. You are important too. So you should be able to voice your thoughts and ideas.

[Suzi]

To be honest, after all the "it has to be right for the children" I'm wondering what about me? He said about logistics and him working but I pointed out he has the 2 weekends before Christmas off... "maybe"
I can totally see why you are feeling like that. I agree, what about you? You are important and you matter.


I hate not knowing. It makes me feel like everyone has control over my life but me.
You need to take back some of that control. I'm not sure why you two aren't living together already, why things haven't moved forward with the children etc.... I don't understand why he's dragging his heels on all of this.


Then maybe you need to take some control and insist that this is the right thing to do before Christmas. The kids are important but so are you.
Ahh, see Paula and I agree! :)

[Jaquaia]

How can we live together when the children have only just found out about me and it sounds like I won't be meeting them any time soon? Though apparently she's already at the stage where he's staying over when she has the children and looking after them on his own...

[Paula]

Then insist on meeting them. He’s not the only one that gets to decide your future!

[Mira]

I think Paula is right.

There is a time and place for everything. But this feels like something that should be one of the first things to do. It is better for everybody. I remember people always saying that kids are flexible. And that is true but only so far. And this is a big change for everybody.

You wrote as a reply that it never gets you anywhere. That sounded so sad to me. You are with the man you love and you made some great plans. But you are doing that together. And now it feels as if you are a bit more in the background in this situation. And I do think its best for everyone if you meet as soon as possible.

[Suzi]

Have you asked him why he's so reluctant to move things forward? I agree, you do sound sad and almost accepting of the situation...

[Jaquaia]

He said he's trying to work out the best way to do it for everyone

[Paula]

The only best way where kids are concerned is to not question their intelligence and just get on it. T is 10, loads of his friends will be in the same situation and he will start to question why he hasn’t met you

[Jaquaia]

Well she's rushing things. They've stayed at his a few times and they're meeting his daughter on saturday and Thomas is struggling with it. But as I pointed out, I'm not expecting to be staying over within a month...

He said he wants me to meet them before Christmas, he's just working out the best way to do it for everyone.

[Mira]

Somehow it feels to me as if it is waiting for the perfect timing. But that is not going to happen. So the best thing is to do it. I can imagine that the kids are now also waiting on meeting you more often and may even be curious. So why wait.

That being said I can see how this must be for you. And how you might not want to push or pressure anything. I just want to see you happy and free of worries (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Thank you

[Paula]

It’ll be the daughter that’s worrying him the most - it’s a different situation. Once he’s met you, he’ll realise it’s all going to be ok. Mira is right, there is no best way, it just has to be done

[Suzi]

You must be feeling horrific with this... So torn. I wish I could wave a magic wand... What about meeting at somewhere the kids love for a day out so they have chance to get to know you without it being forced etc?

[Jaquaia]

I'm finding it very difficult. He said he's struggling to understand why I'm unhappy when they know about me now and said about being sorry if things aren't going as quickly as I'd like but it isn't about that. It's that I've been a secret for 2 years now and then have to hear about how they've not only met him but are doing all sorts with him. I've proved I'm here for the long haul yet someone who has been around for 5 minutes is already in their lives. It makes me wonder what is so wrong with me

[Mira]

That is what I would think too. So I understand how you are thinking about it.

You have shown that you are there for the long haul. And that there is no reason to think otherwise. There is nothing wrong with you. It seems your partner has an idea on how he wants to do it and thats in his comfortzone. But if that is what is best for everybody? Maybe not for the children and certainly not for you.

But this is never in a million years about something being wrong with you.

[Paula]

Nothings wrong with you. She obviously cares less about how this will affect the kids than J does - which is why you love him. But, there’s a narrow margin between being careful and procrastinating unnecessarily because he’s afraid of how the kids react. I believe he’s being too careful, and I think deep down so do you, but they’re his kids. So you just need to work on him a bit ....

[Suzi]

I would be thinking the same. BUT as an outsider it's easier for me to say things as I see it and I'm sorry if I ever upset or offend you.... Thing is, I can't see any negatives for them to have you in their lives at all. My kids know about you, and we're trying to find a way that I can sort it to come up to The Deep and meet up with you - because you are amazing. You really are so fabulous and I truly am really proud to know you and have you in my life and my children's lives. I know it's very different, but honestly I can't see why he's stalling and actually I think you're going to have to tell him how bad it's making you feel.... You can't build a relationship on not telling things to each other... At least then you'll know one way or another...

[Jaquaia]

He knows. He could hear how upset I was on the phone. He said about me not being a secret anymore so I asked him how many of his friends apart from 4 know about me... not many. If they do then it's through gossip at work. I'm just so tired at the moment.

I'm really touched by that Suzi!

[Suzi]

Don't know why, you are really important and special and I truly am honoured to know you. I know that you'd be brilliant with H and her anxiety and I also know you'd sit and listen to F as she talked 100 miles an hour about everything she saw....

[Mira]

wss, 100%

[Jaquaia]

A huge part of me feels like I'm overreacting and making things more difficult

[Mira]

I do not think you are overreacting. This is how you feel. And feelings are important. And most of the time they are good indicators. And I do think you have a good sense.

[Paula]

Overreacting? I know I’m a drama queen but I think you’re underreacting. In your situation, I’d be jumping up and down. But, you’re not me and that’s not how you do things. However, J does seem (from everything you’ve said) to do everything very, very carefully which is sometimes a good thing. But sometimes it’s not .....

[Suzi]

Overreacting? Definitely not! This is important. It's not just about him and his kids, it's about your future too love and mostly about your heart and emotions....

[Mira]

How are things today?

[Jaquaia]

Things are ok. Feeling a little flat. I've made him narrow meeting the children down to before they go back to school. Apparently Thomas has asked a fair few questions about me and J said he seems to be much more comfortable about me than he is with her partner.

[Mira]

Sending a (bear) for how you are feeling.

Its good you put meeting the children before going back to school. When is that? I bet those days are different here. And I would be curious too and ask questions. But that also means he is interested.

From what you told us I can truly believe why he would be more comfortable around you then around her partner. For one I can believe that the atmosphere is way more relaxed on your side of the family. And I think you have a good effect on people as well. So those are all good signs.

[Suzi]

When do they go back to school?

[Jaquaia]

7th January. I've suggested my meeting them for lunch and maybe a day out the week after

[Suzi]

But that's not till after Christmas..... I thought that's what you were hoping for?

[Jaquaia]

J's work pattern means he's off both weekends before Christmas but not a huge amount after Christmas

[Paula]

J's work pattern means he's off both weekends before Christmas but not a huge amount after Christmas

Sorry, I don’t get the significance. Surely it’d be better to meet them when he’s got more time off work, not less?

[Jaquaia]

Well he said before they go back to school but the bulk of his time off is before Christmas so it's more likely to be then. Sorry, I wasn't clear. A bit too absorbed in my book! (giggle)

[Mira]

I was just wondering if its going to be something that will be planned. Or if its going to be a spur of the moment?

[Suzi]

I'm glad it's going to be sooner rather than later...

What's on your agenda for today?

[Jaquaia]

Well what I've suggested is me meeting them for lunch before Christmas and having a day out with them after Christmas. I've even suggested that Thomas choose somewhere so he feels more in control and said about getting them to choose somewhere for a day out and get them to show me around. I've pointed out that they need to see me regularly to get used to me and that I have never wanted to start staying over straight away, not even for the first 2/3 months dependent on the children, I just wanted a time frame to feel less like my life depended on others decisions.

Today will be mainly studying, though apparently my sister is popping down. Wonder if I get an apology for not getting a birthday card...

[Paula]

That’s sounds like an excellent plan with the kids.

Not even a birthday card???

[Jaquaia]

Nope! Got a message a couple of days before my birthday apologising that they couldn't afford me a present as her bf was getting made redundant and they've had his niece and her son living with them who couldn't contribute as there were issues getting her benefits sorted. I told her it wouldn't be an issue as long as I get a card. Apparently she was sending it with my brother the day after my birthday (extremely rare that I get a card/present in time for my birthday from him either, it's always late...). She's also seen our parents twice since too. Other then a brief happy birthday message I've heard nothing. Just tells me how little she thinks of me...

[Paula]

I’m sorry, love (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm used to it

[Mira]

Getting used to it is a shame. Nobody should treat a close family member that way. I think its nasty and disrespectful. Even more so since you are such a good person.

I hate when these things happen.

[Suzi]

(bear) I'm sorry lovely....

[Mira]

Hey you, its way to silent. How are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

I'm struggling a little, have been for a while

[Mira]

Do you want to talk about it?

[Jaquaia]

I think everything has got on top of me. J is worried I'm getting ill again but I'm able to shower every day still and that's a big indicator with me. When I can't be bothered to do that then I'm really struggling

[Mira]

Ok so its good that you have that. I hope you are taking extra care of yourself at the moment. We do want you to feel as good as possible (panda)

[Paula]

When you say everything, what’s the biggest stress atm?

[Jaquaia]

Uni I think. Followed by living here, not knowing when I'm meeting the children (he's looking at the 14th, he only has one day off this weekend and is at Abbie's dance show), learning to drive, well... mainly me measuring myself against others, and today I'm tired and have sharp shooting pains up my forearm. My parents bought Talia a pack of treats and they've gone straight through her. 3am I was up cleaning up after her and stripping her bedding. Then again at 6am as she needed to go out...

[Paula]

Would it help to put off your next driving lesson to take that pressure off? What are you comparing yourself to?

As to when you’re meeting the kids, while I think it’s important that you meet hem sooner rather than later now they know about you, try to remember that, up to last week, a meeting wasn’t even on the cards. Things are moving, lovely

Uni - I know you’ve got a plan of what you’re doing when, and I’m willing to bet you’re actually doing ok time wise, but if it gets too much please contact the uni to get extensions. They already know you may need a little more time but they will only be able to help you if they know what’s going on

Living there - the ends in sight (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I get 2 weeks off over Christmas and it's actually quite therapeutic talking to Bob. It's me. I can't help thinking that after 8 months I should be driving home by now and be almost ready for my test yet I've only just learnt how to do a turn in the road. Bob always tells me that I will get there in my own time and I'm doing really well but you know what I'm like.

It's more having no idea what is happening when. It took me forever to get him to narrow it down to before they go back to school after Christmas. And then I ended up snapping at J today. He was telling me how his dad doesn't think we should be full on as Thomas is struggling with it with her (J has said it too) and my response was "I'm not an idiot". I know I need to build a relationship and let them get used to me. I know the best way is to take things slow and steady with them, but I can't do anything about it when I feel like I'm a marginal part of his life.

I'm about 6 weeks behind for one module. Planning on using Christmas break to catch up as much as possible

Fingers crossed

[Suzi]

You know as well as anyone does that it takes different lengths for time for different people to do certain things. It takes as long as it takes. I know it's tough, but hey you know it's true...
I'm glad that you snapped at him, maybe he'll realise how much you need this so you know where you stand. It must be so hard being in a kind of limbo - if you're already feeling like you're a "marginal part of his life" then actually you need to tell him that. You are deserving of so much more - to be the centre of someone's world, and to feel like it too.

Jaq love, stop bottling it up, talk to us. We are all on your side and we all love and adore you completely.

[Jaquaia]

I have told him and he tells me I'm a huge part of his life. He took me out for lunch today and we went and chose paint and tiles for the kitchen together, then spent an hour cuddled up. It was nice just being held and feeling safe and protected.

I know my mood isn't great at the moment and hasn't been for a few weeks. I'm just hoping it will pass as there isn't anything my doctor can do for me and I don't really want to go back to counselling again.

[Paula]

It will pass. You’re dealing with a lot of emotional stuff right now, as well as all the course stuff so it’s not surprising it’s taking it’s toll. Jaq, it’s normal to feel crap about all of this - anyone would, whether they suffered from depression or not. Give yourself a break .....

As for the driving, a year ago you never even imagined you’d be learning to drive. And you are, driving that is

[Mira]

I can see why you are a big part of his life. And having a moment like you had with him is great. And should happen as often as possible :)

The feeling I have is that you are doing your best. And thats great. I am hoping your mood will pick up soon. Because you should not be put down by it.

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

My fb memories tell me that I started driving a year ago. I'm glad I didn't let those lessons put me off. One of the things I said was I survived though had major anxiety and a lot of panic. I've felt pretty calm and comfortable with Bob from the very first lesson. I know I'll get there, everything just feels hard at the moment. When I spoke to the OU they did tell me I'm entitled to individual support sessions with my tutor so that's another option for me with uni.

[magie06]

Please remember to breathe. It took me over a year of driving lessons to learn how to drive. And I failed my test first time around. Don't panic, you're doing great.
As for the emotional stuff, try to deal with the stuff in your control. Remember you can't control all of what's around you, you can only control how you deal with it.
Love you hunni and wish I could be there to give you a big hug. (bear)

[Suzi]

Will you take up those extra sessions at uni if you need to?

[Paula]

Will you take up those extra sessions at uni if you need to?

I’m seconding that....

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to get my assignment out of the way and then email my tutor I think.

You guys are all awesome.

[Suzi]

We just love you Jaq!

How are you today love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired and still a bit flat, feels like I'm wading through treacle at the moment, but I'm still able to do things. I'll take that.

[Mira]

You have a lot on your plate. But I know you can get through it. You have come so far and are doing wonderful. These rough days are just that. Rough days. Better days are on the way.

[Paula]

Step by step today, love

[Jaquaia]

I will. Popping out with my parents so going to grab the chocolate for people's Christmas presents, then just going to plod quietly through my essay.

[Suzi]

How are you doing love?

[Jaquaia]

Plodding. Went shopping with my dad (left my mum with the car while the tyres were changed) and bought so much chocolate for Christmas, as well as chocolate to replace the Christmas chocolate that I ate... heading home now so lunch and then seeing where I'm up to with my essay.

[Paula]

How’s your mood?

[Jaquaia]

Flat and irritable. I'm clenching my jaw a lot too. Staying at J's for a couple of days so I'll get some peace at least, and I finally get to leave toiletries at his so a little excited about that!!!

[Mira]

Thats nice, makes it feel a bit more like yours.

How are you now? Are you taking care of yourself?

[Jaquaia]

I'm doing ok. Wrapped a few presents for my parents, ordered a few more so pretty much finished my families presents, well... just need to sort my dads but Talia has lots of treats! I'm getting J's mum a large kalanchoe or cyclamen, not decided yet. Need to finish J's off and get his dad something and I'm sorted. Wrapping while I watch the football but need to work on my essay. Though I could work on that for a couple of hours tomorrow and Saturday afternoon/sunday once I'm back.

[Suzi]

Well done for getting sorted! You're far more organised than I am (although I'm doing fairly well!) ;)
I'm concerned by your flat mood love...

[Jaquaia]

So is J...

[Paula]

Toiletries is a great step :)

Just a thought, is it TOTM?

[Suzi]

I was wondering the same thing....

[Jaquaia]

No, that was 2 weeks ago. I'm putting it down to reaching my limit and being overwhelmed

[Suzi]

That's understandable... What can we/I do to help?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure. Hopefully Christmas will allow me to catch up with uni work and take a weight off my mind.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)(bear)

[Paula]

How are you feeling?

[magie06]

Morning sunshine. How are things today? Did you sleep well?

[Jaquaia]

Not hugely well. I fell asleep after midnight, when I woke up my bed looked like I'd been doing fun stuff so I was restless, and I knocked my phone charger out so my phone died. No alarm meant I woke up in a panic at 8am. Not feeling 100% today anyway so never drove halfway home as I started feeling sick, but I did practice turn in the roads again, refreshed on hill starts and angled starts, learnt how to set off quicker. My 2nd turn in the road was even independent! Amd my lesson before Christmas will be night time driving as it's 3.30-5.30! So not driving home before Christmas but doing new stuff!

[Paula]

I know you’re anxious about the length of time you’ve been learning to drive but every lesson you’re doing more and pushing yourself further. No teacher could ever ask for more from their students

[Jaquaia]

We were discussing that this morning and how me being a book learner rather than a practical learner will affect me too.

[Suzi]

I think you're doing amazingly well lovely. So very proud of you x

[Jaquaia]

I have birthday cards!!! Scarlett helped me start the chocolates that came with them! And volunteered me to change her rather soggy nappy!

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

"Who's doing your nappy? Mummy or daddy?"
"Kerry!!!"

Guess it's me then! And then she nicked my small Donald Duck teddy!!! And my bus fare!!!! Currently sat on the platform at the station waiting for my train to meet J after work. He's keeping an eye on my train as he likes to know how far away I am. After 2 years I find that really sweet (inlove)

[Suzi]

That is sweet!
I'm so glad you had a good time!

[Jaquaia]

I'm sat in Bridlington railway station wearing a hoodie. It's cold. I need to start wearing a scarf too as I'm sat here shivering!!!

[Suzi]

OOO sending you warm air.... Mind you I think there's nowhere colder than a train platform!

[Mira]

That must be cold. At least you are going to see J. That makes it worth while :)

But bringing a scarf and maybe gloves is a good idea from now on I would think. Going to work on my bycicle this morning was real cold without a scarf.

[Jaquaia]

That sounds even colder!

[Paula]

Morning, hunni, how are you?

[Mira]

It is real cold everywhere now brrrrr. How is your day so far?

[Jaquaia]

So far I have fed the cat, fed myself, changed a lightshade and put up a bookcase! Having a rest then going to do some more

[Suzi]

Wow, you've been busy! Where's the bookcase going?

[Jaquaia]

I'm sorting out at J's while he's at work. After 12 hour shifts he's too to do it and after 12 hour nights his sleep pattern is all over the place so he's getting the benefits of my organisational skills! Put up another unit and sorted the kids wooden train set out!

It would have been so much easier if his parents hadn't arranged everything at once but stuff has been arranged with not much notice and not enough time to declutter first.

[Suzi]

You're sorting out his stuff? You're a braver woman than me, I tried looking through Marc's stuff when we moved in together and lots of the little bits of paper I thought were rubbish were really important to him lol and I know I keep hold of things that'll just look like rubbish to others lol...

[Jaquaia]

Another bookcase up!!! Only putting the stacks of books back. He can sort them out when he's off! And finishing off putting the kitchen back.

[magie06]

Putting the kitchen back?? Please explain?

[Suzi]

Another bookcase up!!! Only putting the stacks of books back. He can sort them out when he's off! And finishing off putting the kitchen back.
Lol! That makes more sense - but are you moving around pans and stuff? What happened to resting and being kind to you?

[Jaquaia]

Magie, J's parents arranged for his kitchen to be replaced, with the way his shifts have fallen, he's not had chance to get it all put back yet.

Suzi, he did all the pans and the heavy stuff. I'm more finding homes for the nick nacks

[Mira]

You are doing lots of work. I do get the feeling you are enjoying it. So that sounds great.

[magie06]

I hope you are resting now!!

[Suzi]

Glad he did the heavy stuff! Hope you are having a lovely evening!

[Mira]

How was your evening? And are you doing something nice this weekend?

[Paula]

Morning! What’s the plans for today?

[Jaquaia]

Just got home. J is at work so he asked his parents to drop me off and they took me for lunch first :) going to work on my essay for the rrst of the day.

[Suzi]

That was nice! Did you enjoy the lunch? How's the essay going?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't actually got my laptop out yet...

Well... next Saturday I'm going out for lunch with J, his parents and the children... to say I'm already nervous is the understatement of the century...

[Suzi]

OO where are you going?
I can understand you being nervous, but.... You know he loves you, his parents love you and that you are going to be loved by the children! You could take them something to start a conversation about - a book on something or a model of something etc? Might break the ice?

[Mira]

That would leave me nervous too. But I am in no way worried about next saturday for you. J loves you to bits and as I recall his parents are big fans too. You are the breath of fresh air that family needed after that trainwreck of an ex.

You are great.

[Jaquaia]

We're going here https://www.facebook.com/fiddledrill/

We were talking about it at lunch today and his mum said it might be better just telling him what we're doing as he'll dither and avoid things out of stress. So that's the plan. He can pick me up after Abbie's dance class and his parents will meet us there after Thomas's hair cut. His dad has asked Thomas how he feels about meeting me and he said he's ok with it. His mum just said about keeping displays of affection to a minimum as Cruella is always kissing and cuddling with this new guy and Thomas doesn't like it. To be fair, I'm not an idiot. Cruella and her new guy may think it's acceptable for him to be staying over when he's only just met them and looking after them before they've had chance to get used to him, but I actually think about others before myself and aren't about to be all over their dad at first meeting!

[Paula]

When Katie’s step mum was due to meet her, step mum was terrified that this 3 year old was going to reject her out of hand so she decided to take some sweets with her. She held out her hand and said to Katie ‘hi, I’m Paula’, to which Katie responded ‘no you’re not that’s my mums name and you’re not my mum!’ Paula just shoved the sweets at Katie in panic. Despite that little hiccup, the meeting went really well and they’ve been the best of friends ever since.

You don’t have that issue and I’m confident that your meeting them will go really well, and you’ll become best of friends with both of them

[Jaquaia]

I'm scared. All I keep hearing is how Thomas is an unhappy little boy at the moment and it makes me wonder how he'll react to someone else coming in and taking up his dads attention and the fact that he's waited so long to introduce me hasn't helped things.

I should be able to meet them twice before Christmas and I've been debating buying them a book but would that be too much? They both love books and it would only be a few pounds each but then I'm doubting myself. My reasoning behind it is to show them I care enough to have learned about them, I know they both love books, gifting books makes me happy too but I can't help thinking it's too much and I'll be accused of trying to buy them... I bought by sisters step-children after meeting them roughly the same amount of times so it's not something out of character for me. And his mum and dad bought me a birthday present after meeting me once! I'm just constantly questionning my reasoning and driving myself crazy in the process

[Mira]

It is good that you share this with us. We might not be able to take your doubts away but we can say what we think about it. If you do not mind.

I think its nice that you are hearing a lot about how things are for them. But I truly believe that you are going to do best if you are yourself. I think this is not going to be easy for any of you. But as soon as they get to know you and see that things are not forced it will relax. I am sure they will notice if you do things to adapt to suit others. Even more if its something you would never do. So my advice would really be just be you.

That goes for the gift too. When I think of you the thought of books is not far behind. And if they love books its a good way to connect to them. Thats not buying them. That is sharing something everybody likes.

[Suzi]

My first thought is that the place you are going seems very grown up. But actually I think you getting them something would be great. I think it would show you care, show you know what they like and are into and also wanted to talk to them too... They are going to be just as nervous as you. Remember you're amazing.

[Jaquaia]

They've been there several times and really like the cake from there which is why his mum suggested it I think.

[Suzi]

Everybody likes cake! The cake does look good!

[Paula]

Do they know how long you and J have been together then?

Kids always love presents and a book is a great idea. Stop second guessing what is a lovely gesture!

[Jaquaia]

Not that I'm aware ...

[Suzi]

How old are they? I'd always advocate something that engages everyone in conversation - something simple like Where's Wally or Captain Underpants ;)

[magie06]

You will be amazing with them. Why? Because you are amazing here, kind, thoughtful, warm. You can't help it! You're not going to be any different with them. You're going to be nervous, the kids will be nervous, but if everyone is in the same boat, then things will ease after a few minutes.
The books are a beautiful thoughtful idea.

[Jaquaia]

Thomas is 10 on Christmas Day and Abbie is 5 in February. I was wondering about "The Witches" and "The Twits" for Thomas, and something like "I need a new bum" for Abbie

[Paula]

Not that I'm aware ...

Then why are you worried about T’s reaction to how long it’s taken to introduce you all?

[Jaquaia]

Not T's reaction, that's a me reaction

[Suzi]

Thomas is 10 on Christmas Day and Abbie is 5 in February. I was wondering about "The Witches" and "The Twits" for Thomas, and something like "I need a new bum" for Abbie
Those are great ideas!

[Paula]

Not T's reaction, that's a me reaction

Why does that worry you?

[Jaquaia]

He's waited a long time to introduce me to everyone. It's not pleasant feeling like a secret for so long. It makes me wonder what's wrong with me. He says I'm a huge part of his life but how can I be when he's kept me so separate from everything and everyone else? Feeling like a dirty little secret for so long won't disappear overnight

[Paula]

Hunni, you’re getting what you’ve wanted for so long, can you try to focus on that?

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying but how am I meant to take it when he seems to be reluctant to introduce me to the people who are important to him? When even though he knows it's starting to upset me, he still drags his feet and avoids doing anything about it?

At the moment I just feel like I'm wrong to feel like I do about anything

[Mira]

I dont think your feelings are wrong. It is what you feel. And you can discribe them really well. I am sure you brought it up with him. And what did he say about it?

[Suzi]

I can empathise with that so much. Have you asked him?

[Jaquaia]

He says he's just poorly organised...

[Mira]

I have a feeling you do not truly believe that to be true?

[Jaquaia]

I don't doubt it with him, I've seen what he's like with other things. But when I know my inaction is upsetting someone, I do everything I can to change things.

[Mira]

I see what you mean. I can relate to that. I am the same way. Maybe after you meet them it can go a lot better.

[Paula]

Si doesn’t do things the way I do, doesn’t feel the things I do. He’ll readily admit he struggles with empathy and other people’s feelings don’t impact him - except where it affects those he loves. I’ve struggled with this over the years and I’ve often been upset by his reaction to a situation. But he’s my husband and we’ve had to work through that. That doesn’t mean, though, that I just accept his reaction and behaviour without challenging him on it, and over the years that behaviour has slowly changed. We are both better people because we’ve had to deal with this - he’s a bit more empathetic and I’m a bit less likely to get emotional and angry.

Jaq, you have to challenge him on this, you have to say it’s not right. He won’t ever learn otherwise and your relationship may suffer

[Jaquaia]

I've lot count of the number of times I've challenged him on this