Musings of Decades

[decades]

I am currently undergoing a period of self reflection, and have things I feel I need to externally express, and so I have chosen this forum as my channel. I am currently considering seeing a therapist/counsellor. I have had one bad experience of this in the past, but I am maintaining an open mind and feel that I may be ready for it again. This thread may come across as self-indulgent, and indeed it is, but hopefully it will help me, and in turn, any insights may help others.

My depression is generally quite mild, but this continuous low mood does eventually drag me down further and further. It doesn't stem back to any particular incident or trauma in my life, and on paper my current life is not at all bad. But I just can't seem to shake it.

As a teenager I went through the usual emotional ups and downs, and in some ways I feel I've never grown up since then (I'm in my early forties now). Those years were indeed not easy for me. I was not a loner, but I was hardly the model of confidence either. In fact, I'm quite sure I had some sort of diagnosed social anxiety disorder. I found talking to people hard (as I still do now) but at that age it came with the added complication of the toxic teenage 'coolness' contest - the endless strive for popularity which curses those years for many. For some this is not such an issue, such as those to whom coolness comes easily, or that section of society often labelled (for lack of a better word) as 'nerds' - those for whom coolness is not such a priority, but who are happy with their own interests. But I wrongly believed that achieving the approval of others was the be all and end all, and I was not very good at it. And so talking to anyone that I felt I needed approval from became an awkward and clumsy act, and as they were the only ones I tended to interact with, my social interactions were generally very negative. When all you are focused on is how well you are presenting yourself to the person you are interacting with, you forget to just relax and chat.

So now I'm in my forties, and 'cool' is no longer a goal. And also, no longer a possibility. There is still a part of me that is obsessed with other's opinions, but I am learning to move on from that. It is very liberating to do something, or go somewhere because you want to, not because it is the 'thing to do' or 'the place to be seen'. But my social skills, and my social mindset have suffered. I still struggle to interact with people. I am no longer desperate to impress, but I do tend to assume people won't like me. But now I have reached the point where I do not particularly crave company - I prefer to sit on my own at lunch, as it is less effort than interacting with people. I feel on the surface I am happy with this, but I also feel that under the surface this detachment from people contributes to my depression. It feels in a way like a form of self imposed solitary confinement. Sometimes I go through phases where I force myself to integrate, particularly when I start a new job (I am a contractor so I move around a lot) but after a while it just feels draining and I revert to type. There are specific situations where I do embrace social interaction (I will cover these in a later post) and I come away from these with a glow that lasts many days, so I feel there must be some kind of effect I'm missing.

So I think the TLDR is that I ruined my ability to enjoy the company of others by being obsessed with trying to be cool as a teenager, and this has partly contributed to my depression.

[Paula]

To be honest with you, I think most teenagers are obsessed with being ‘cool’ aka being the popular one. Having a 21 yo who was always the popular one, and an 18 yo who never was, both of them have grown into their own person. And both of them are happy with who they are. Is that, perhaps, what you need to look to achieve?

[decades]

To be honest with you, I think most teenagers are obsessed with being ‘cool’ aka being the popular one. Having a 21 yo who was always the popular one, and an 18 yo who never was, both of them have grown into their own person. And both of them are happy with who they are. Is that, perhaps, what you need to look to achieve?

Yes, I absolutely need to just be happy with the person I am. I am no longer obsessed with the pursuit of 'cool', a term which is shorthand for the acceptance and approval of others. But it has left something behind, an inability to enjoy the company of people as a general rule.

[Suzi]

I'm with Paula. I have 3 children. 2 with Aspergers and one with severe anxiety and they all struggle socially. It's something that I struggle with too - I've never been in with the popular kids or adults, like you it's easier to sit on my own rather than try to join in with people. However, I've started to try to push myself and push my girls to push themselves to do simple things like order a drink or go out and ask a question..... It's small changes and challenges and I'm hoping it builds up...
But my girls are happy to be who they are in their own bubbles and if people don't like it then they aren't worth bothering with!

[Jarre]

I have social anxiety and that can be interesting with the job I have when I have to go on construction sites I just focus on the work there and it helps block out other things though i am mentally tired after the day. I do make an effort when we have a work night out to attend and then after a few drinks after a meal I will make my exit but at least then the effort was made to try and be social. its not easy but it helps a little. I've never been the popular cool kid quite the opposite but I have found friends who click with me and if anyone else doesn't like it they can just (swear) themselves. :)

[decades]

The social anxiety is not so bad now. I have a work outing coming up. I'll go, I won't have a panic attack, I'll get involved in the conversation, and I might even enjoy myself. But I'd rather be at home, either with my partner or on my own. It all just seems like such an effort, and not really worth it.

I could say that once I lacked confidence, but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I'm just better at faking it and that is what's so draining.

I was always in awe of confident people, and I often thought confident was synonymous with happy. I got the idea in my head that I needed to emulate them. that way I could obtain the things in life I had convinced myself brought happiness. It felt like there was some big secret they were let in on and we weren't. Nothing you could put into words, but a state of mind. I thought one day I would 'get' how to be that way. At times I felt I had make a kind of breakthrough, and with it a kind of smug self satisfaction. But you can't know the big secret, you can only know yourself. As long as you know that you're getting somewhere. Never believe you've suddenly broken the shackles, or scaled the wall, You're probably deluding yourself. These things just don't happen that fast. Only trust the feelings you truly believe, and build on each one of these.

I feel like I've been striving for the wrong thing for much of my life. But then I don't know what I'm striving for now, or whether striving for anything it's the right way to think about it.

[Paula]

I’m confident. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, have done all my life, but most people who meet me don’t know unless I say something. There is no secret, I’m afraid

[decades]

I’m confident. I also suffer with depression and anxiety, have done all my life, but most people who meet me don’t know unless I say something. There is no secret, I’m afraid
Yes, I've come to meet a few people like that.

[Suzi]

Actually I appear really confident and yet I rarely feel it anymore. I used to be, but I'm out of practise! But you wouldn't know that I struggle with things without talking to me!

[Angie]

I dont have confidence but 99% of anyone who has met me or spoken to me wouldn't know that, there is really only one person who has heard how I can really be, as I just down show how I am feeling,

[decades]

Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way? Maybe I'm no good at interacting with people because I just don't like people, and maybe that's what makes it such hard work. Maybe I assume people won't like me because usually when I met someone, I have little interest in them. Or maybe I just convince myself of that as a defence because I assume they won't like me. This is a real chicken and the egg situation.

I'm not even sure this is my biggest problem anymore. It certainly was when I was younger but now I have enough people around me I care about.

[Paula]

Then what do you think is your biggest problem?

[decades]

Then what do you think is your biggest problem?

That's what I'm trying to get to the bottom of. I don't even know why I am the way I am :(

[Paula]

Because you’re ill, hunni. Depression isn’t a character flaw, it’s an illness...

[Suzi]

You're ill lovely...

Maybe you are trying to keep on a mask which is actually hiding which issues are the ones you are struggling with most?

[decades]

I've given a lot of thought recently as to why I am the way I am. Possible reasons I've come up with include:

My life genuinely isn't that good?

I have a partner I love, a nice house and a well paid although boring career, so I don't think it's that.

I have a good life, but not the one I wanted?

I think this is closer. I had dreams of being an artist or musician, or of having a wide circle of friends or an exciting lifestyle. Wild sex. Money was never a goal, oddly. That's one area I've done alright in, but it's not made me happy (although it has helped protect me against other problems) But none of this is me, I'm not that person. I'm not the sort of person who can make these things happen in my life. I feel like my life doesn't have any excitement, but I don't really know how entitled I should feel to that.

Low self esteem?

I don't even know anymore. I used to have low low self esteem when validation from others was important, but it isn't so much now. And sometimes I even think I can be somewhat narcissist, and have noticed traits of the Dunning Kruger effect on my personality, so on that level my self esteem was artificially high. Also as a logical and a slightly socialist person, I don't believe anyone is more important than anyone else, so from that point of view my place in the world is pretty flat. But I do sometimes view myself as something of a loser because of my lack of ability to shake my life the way I want.

I just don't find enthusiasm or happiness in anything?

This definitely feels more like a symptom than a cause. I just really struggle to find happiness in anything. I have hobbies that distract me, and sometimes I even look forward to things, but there's no real enjoyment.

Sometimes I remember a feeling from when I was excited or happy and try to think of ways to get back to that. But then it just makes me sad that I don't feel like that any more. I just don't get the same excitement from simple things like when I was young.

Brain chemistry?

This would be a nice easy answer that can be fixed with pills. I like this answer because it means it's not my fault. but the answer I like is not necessarily the correct one. Medical science does not yet seem to have agreed on whether chemistry can be a cause in itself, and not just a symptom so this can only be concluded as a maybe

[Suzi]

Just saying... It's not your fault no matter what the cause. No one chooses to be poorly and it really isn't your "fault" at all.

[decades]

Really, I think it comes down to my life not being the what I wanted. I know how much of a first world problem this sounds, and I've tried to work against it, but just never managed.

I've heard it said there are two ways to be contented: fulfil all your desires, or desire less. I think this usually refers to material possessions, but could also be applied to desiring your idea of what life should be, or who you should be. Maybe even to achieving happiness itself.

I've thought for a while I should stop thinking of happiness as a goal. Can you be happy being unhappy? I've certainly known people who I would apply this to. If happiness is a goal, add you are always reminding yourself what you haven't got. People say dreams are a positive thing, but I'm not so convinced, as it is a constant reminder that your life could be better.

This also makes me think of another concept I think is dangerous - the 'happy place' I learned to go to whenever I felt sad, a fantasy world I developed to distract me from my own life. Again, I end up comparing my life to this, which has negative consequences. And what is worse, it becomes a mental habit, and because it gives a brief burst of happiness, it is drug-like: addictive, giving short-term pleasure for long term sadness.

[Suzi]

What is it that is lacking in your life? What is it that you feel you are missing?

[decades]

Two things I believe: excitement and purpose.

Excitement, because I always wanted my life to be a rollercoaster ride. i wanted it to be an exciting story from the outside, even if no one was observing, like a rock star. I always wanted that destructive life people fall into of sex and drugs because it sounded like it would make me feel alive at least. But as I am a fundamentaly boring person, my life never went in that direction. it seems strane, actively pursuing a life people were trying to get away from. I often looked down on people who were happy with a simple life, whereas now I am jealous of them. I still struggle to get to that point where I am happy with simplicity. I still chase self destructive behaviour. I sometimes achieve it and sometimes it is out of reach which creates frustration, which further drives me towards quick fixes of happiness.

Purpose, because I always had the urge to create, to leave behind great works of music or art, although in reality I have a very modest talent and certainly nothing that would be of any interest to the wider public. I can't finish things. My life is littered with unfinished projects, ones I started and then just thought 'what's the point?'. The point, of course, should be to create for your own pleasure, not just to impress others. But as I've mentioned, I seem to suffer from a certain level of anhedonia. I don't get pleasure from creating. Even though I have the urge to do it. I derive satisfaction from the occasional thing I create, but it has to be something that serves a purpose or otherwise it seems pointless. The actual process of creation is just stressful.

[Suzi]

So what do you get pleasure from?

You could always try spicing up your life? Travel some more? Do some more risk taking adrenaline junkie kind of stuff... What stops you from doing this?

[decades]

I don't get much pleasure from anything. And the things I do get pleasure from aren't really within my control.

I've never been an adrenaline junkie. I have traveled and intend to do more.

But I think the real issue is that I need to feel contentment without these things.

My life is boring or at least boring. And there's nothing wrong with that! It's only boring compared to the fantasy life I had in my head, and I won't be able to compete with that. Is also boring compared to the few times in my life when it has been exciting. I can't compare every day to those few occasions.

[Suzi]

Maybe not, but maybe planning some more exciting things - holidays, adventures etc might help give you something to look forward to?

[Paula]

I’m a bit confused, you say you wanted a rollercoaster ride yet you also say you’re not an adrenaline junkie. I’m wondering if you need to work out what gives your life value, what matters to you rather than what you think should matter to you itms..

[decades]

Yes I can see how this is a bit contradictory. I think it's been more emotional excitement I've craved. The kind of excitement from interacting with people, although I'm not very good at interacting with people. I'm not even interested in interacting with people at first because it's hard work. In fact even when I've got to know people I don't what too much excitement because it just becomes stressful. But I did when I was younger. Maybe it's because I didn't take such real work situations seriously at the time. I suppose I just avoid it now, but that leaves a hole. I guess I'm just full of contradictions.

[Suzi]

What kind of emotional excitement do you crave?

[decades]

When I was younger it was things like short term relationships, sometimes even getting into arguments for the sake of it because it was 'fun'. I absolutely recognise this as destructive behaviour now. I feel it was filling a hole that is still not filled, but I don't know what to full it with. In truth I know I should not be trying to fill that hole, and just to be happy with myself, even if that means being content with being unhappy, if that makes any sense.

I'm concentrating on being 'in the now', not dreaming of what things could be like in the future: I used to think dreaming of the future was good, but you can get caught up in it. You forget to live your life as it is now, and if you dream of a different life, you become uncontented with what you already have. I think contentment is the key here. I've mentioned before that that is what I've been striving for: contentment with what I have, because on paper, it really isn't that bad. I feel that if I accept being 'bored and unhappy', and stop visualising another life with which to compare my real life to, then I could become genuinely more content.

Fantasising is like advertising to yourself, and advertising works. It makes you want things. Like in this capitalist world, if people weren't presented with material possessions they don't have, they wouldn't miss them. I once heard an interview with someone who talked about growing up in the fifties, in a slum estate. He said he 'didn't know he was poor', because he had nothing to compare it to. This is the problem with our society, we are constantly presented with images of the perfect life, or of excitement, and our lives seem lacking or dull in comparison. If I was just plonked into the middle of my own world from nowhere it would probably seem great. I need to stop and appreciate, and dream less.

I've been looking into mindfulness add this seems share some of these values.

[Suzi]

I've never found getting into arguments "fun" tbh... Definitely try mindfulness? It really helps to be in the moment.
There's nothing wrong with dreaming and having ambitions...
Do you have any support network around you?

[Paula]

Dreaming and having ambitions is a good thing but I find I need to plan steps to get towards those dreams - otherwise I get overwhelmed. One dream I have is to go with my family to a show in the West End. I know I can’t manage it yet but recently we went to a small theatre in Bath to see a play - we had a lovely time and it felt like a step in the right direction.

[decades]

Good work Paula, and ask the best on going to the West End.

Those are realistic, manageable dreams. I'm taking more about unrealistic fantasies, which when left unchecked can take over your mind, and leave your real life feeling inadequate. One needs to be careful of them.

[Suzi]

Like what? Have you given examples and I've missed them?

[decades]

I'm not being particularly specific because it's lots of things. Just visions of how I want my life to be. But the goal now in to stop living in my head like this, to stop living in a future that probably won't happen. The future never turns out exactly how you plan it. Sometimes it's good, sometimes it's bad, but never exactly how you plan it, so it's best not to feel on it. I intend to stay living in the now more. I've being doing exactly that for a few weeks now and I'm already feeling the benefits.

[Suzi]

Why won't it happen?

[Paula]

Nothings ever exactly how we plan it but, if we don’t have dreams, we miss all the potentially wonderful things we can find while on the journey towards those dreams

[decades]

OK, maybe instead of talking about aiming for dreams and fantasies, it might make more sense to talk in terms of 'being the person I want to be'. Now that sounds like something I should go for, but the person I want to be is an outgoing, creative person, and the fact is that just isn't me. Now I can spend my whole life trying to be that person, or just try and work out who I actually am and be happy being that person. I don't want to spend my whole life in the future, a future which may or may not happen. I'm just going to miss life if I do that.

[Suzi]

You can work closer to being that person you want - it starts with being comfortable within the situation you are in. For me, it's being with a particular group of people and practising being there with them and seeing if you can become more confident in that setting, then move to a different setting. You can do this.