walkden
17-09-19, 11:31 PM
Hi all
not sure what im expecting to achieve by posting but feel that there is no one in rl i xan confide in
i am a middle aged man and right now feel like i have failed in life in every way imaginable and struggling to think of how i can ever have a sense of meaning or purpose to justify taking up space for much longer.
Although i used to have work acquaintances i hace never had close friendships, relationships. i would get on with people but i always figured that there eas something erong with me so i couldnt have these things like a mormal perdon. In hindsight i compensated by trying to be productive at work. I changed careers at 30 and spent time travelling and retrained as a teacher. I did ok for 10 years or so although id never say i was a natural more of a grafter.
a couple of years ago i decided to make some changes and moved cities to be closer to my brother and his family and boughtva house in an effort to put down roots as i figured im not getting any yoinger.
Anyway i struggled to adapt to my new school and felt i was doing a rubbish job. It was difficult to confide in new colleagues becaause i hadntvearned their respect and was bring a burden and eventually attempted suicide. This was not sucessful obviously but i was was ultimately dismissed after bring on sick leave for 4 months.
For a while i attempted to apply for all sorts of new jobs from manual labour to administration to call centres and i got a couple of interviews but no job. Each time ive failed i ended up punishing myself eith small overdoses of various antidepressants which made me ill for a few days without everctelling anyone sbout it.
For a while afterwards ivr scraped by doing agencyvjobs none of ehich id flourished at. In my spare time i did lots of little diy jobs because it stopped me feeling totally useless.
I havent got any work though for the last few 3 months. In that time ive had 3 interviews 2 of which were informal chats e.g first stage stuff. Ive not gotten feedback in them but i felt a strong urge to punish myself after the last few
But ibstead of overdosing i ve gone cold turkey from 225mg vebkafaxine. Ive also developed dwntal abcess for rhe last 3 months and done nothing about them because im secretly hope they would go septic. No such luck.
I guess i stopped the antidepressants because the facts are that i have no friends no family or kids of my own and now have no job or any sense of being a contributing member of society and can see no idea about what chanfes to make or how to go about it. I feel completely worthless and ashamed and in between interviews have become more and more reclusive. I cant talk to my family about this as they just put it down to having hard times for a while and cant relate.
I have various means that ive stockpiled to take things further and sometimes feel i should have just done things properly last time around. Its not like i have packed away my belongings yet or made a will but at times i think to myself all my worrying could be over in 5 days or less. Most i could take certain steps then call 999 once it is too late to do anything so my family would not be the ones to find me.
I realise that this sounds bad and i should be seeing my gp about it but then i tell myself that is not going to change things. I feel like a flawed human being who cannot be fixed with my already miserable lonely existence in an unstoppable downward spiral which only i could fixvbut with no clue how to do it:(.
not sure what im expecting to achieve by posting but feel that there is no one in rl i xan confide in
i am a middle aged man and right now feel like i have failed in life in every way imaginable and struggling to think of how i can ever have a sense of meaning or purpose to justify taking up space for much longer.
Although i used to have work acquaintances i hace never had close friendships, relationships. i would get on with people but i always figured that there eas something erong with me so i couldnt have these things like a mormal perdon. In hindsight i compensated by trying to be productive at work. I changed careers at 30 and spent time travelling and retrained as a teacher. I did ok for 10 years or so although id never say i was a natural more of a grafter.
a couple of years ago i decided to make some changes and moved cities to be closer to my brother and his family and boughtva house in an effort to put down roots as i figured im not getting any yoinger.
Anyway i struggled to adapt to my new school and felt i was doing a rubbish job. It was difficult to confide in new colleagues becaause i hadntvearned their respect and was bring a burden and eventually attempted suicide. This was not sucessful obviously but i was was ultimately dismissed after bring on sick leave for 4 months.
For a while i attempted to apply for all sorts of new jobs from manual labour to administration to call centres and i got a couple of interviews but no job. Each time ive failed i ended up punishing myself eith small overdoses of various antidepressants which made me ill for a few days without everctelling anyone sbout it.
For a while afterwards ivr scraped by doing agencyvjobs none of ehich id flourished at. In my spare time i did lots of little diy jobs because it stopped me feeling totally useless.
I havent got any work though for the last few 3 months. In that time ive had 3 interviews 2 of which were informal chats e.g first stage stuff. Ive not gotten feedback in them but i felt a strong urge to punish myself after the last few
But ibstead of overdosing i ve gone cold turkey from 225mg vebkafaxine. Ive also developed dwntal abcess for rhe last 3 months and done nothing about them because im secretly hope they would go septic. No such luck.
I guess i stopped the antidepressants because the facts are that i have no friends no family or kids of my own and now have no job or any sense of being a contributing member of society and can see no idea about what chanfes to make or how to go about it. I feel completely worthless and ashamed and in between interviews have become more and more reclusive. I cant talk to my family about this as they just put it down to having hard times for a while and cant relate.
I have various means that ive stockpiled to take things further and sometimes feel i should have just done things properly last time around. Its not like i have packed away my belongings yet or made a will but at times i think to myself all my worrying could be over in 5 days or less. Most i could take certain steps then call 999 once it is too late to do anything so my family would not be the ones to find me.
I realise that this sounds bad and i should be seeing my gp about it but then i tell myself that is not going to change things. I feel like a flawed human being who cannot be fixed with my already miserable lonely existence in an unstoppable downward spiral which only i could fixvbut with no clue how to do it:(.