Well I guess it couldn't hurt

[JustAnotherDude]

Hi guys, I'm not really an online person =D. Actually this is my first post in a forum whatsoever but I don't know anymore where to turn to and I guess I am ready to try anything at this point. It may sound a bit silly but because of my online shyness I would really appreciate if someone were to post a comment with just a word or two of "Hey, I am here". Also really sorry that I didn't check but I must mention that I am not sure if I have a clinical depression so if this forum if only for people with diagnosed depression then I would try to not waste anybody's time.


ps: English is not my first language so please excuse any misspellings and typos.

[Strugglingmum]

Hi there. Lovely to see you. This is a good place to talk about how you are feeling. No one will judge you . Do you think you have depression? Have you been to see a doctor about how you Feel?

[JustAnotherDude]

First thank you very much for the reply! :) Second, yes, am visiting a Psychologist right now 3 sessions till now. I don't know if you are ok listening to my story right now. It's a bit of a lengthy one but in general I have kinda lost all hope in life and can't motivate myself to do anything anymore than just exist.

[Strugglingmum]

That's a hard place to be in. A lot of us on here know how that feels.
It's great that you are seeing someone and talking. That's a huge big positive step.
A lot of people find it helps to share their story and get it out from rolling around in their head but only when you are ready and just what you feel comfortable sharing.

[JustAnotherDude]

Well my problem with that is that I am too poor for therapy and whenever I share the things on my mind I feel like I am needlessly complaining to people with far bigger problems than mine.
In general I am 26 years old. Live and study in a foreign country. I have less than probably 2 friends with which I can't really share what's bothering me (I have never in my life had a relationship, although I like to consider myself a normal guy) and am tired of bothering my parents with my mental health.

[Strugglingmum]

It doesn't matter the size of anyone else's problems, your problems are just as important if they are upsetting you and making you feel badly. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

[JustAnotherDude]

Yes and no
Here is my story (I may have to add to it as time goes on).
I was born and grew up in my country(E.Europe) in my primary school and secondary school years (till 18) I never really made any friends at school and had only four other kids I hung out with. I was bullied at my first school so I developed a bit of a detached attitude that later on really prevented me from making friends or girlfriends (I learned early that the only way to stop such people is to become the tough guy and fight back until they stop). Also till then I had 2 best friends from my first school who at least in my eyes turned on me or abandoned me(also another reason I became asocial and really distrustful of people).Meanwhile I had a kind of a weird relationship with my mom. I had learned she was cheating on my dad and had told her to stop but she kept on talking to her "friend" on the phone anyway, even in front of me. Then I left for university. I was till then a grade A student and all the smartest people in my class were going to study abroad so not knowing what to do with my life. I decided to follow one of these 4 friends to the city where he was studying. I was there for 3 year in which I kinda lost hope that I would graduate and also felt that the people in the country really didn't want me there and at one moment I had my grandpa die of cancer, me get expelled and my parents telling me they couldn't help me financially any longer (turns out my mom's wealth for her new company and her new shopping sprees were because of her new rich boyfriend) all within a month. I found a job in construction worked a bit and moved to a different country but now I again feel lost. I work a job I hate. I can't afford a decent home so I live in a shared flat. I am going no where with my studies because I can't motivate myself to study and because I am a poor foreigner feel like I will remain single forever. Ah, also since I moved here I started aggressively balding at the back of my head.

[JustAnotherDude]

Ah I forgot in that period when my grandpa died my best friend (the one who I followed to university) slept with a girl I was interested in (I had just been rejected by my crush and found this girl) although I asked him not to if he was just interested in sex . I actually enjoyed spending time with her. Later I learned he also had my facebook password and hadn't told me.

[JustAnotherDude]

Also I have had constant headaches and problems with my throat and ears for some time. I wake up really tired every day and can't concentrate. I have spent a lot of money on medicine and doctors but no effect. I don't want to eat and haven't slept properly in a long time.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm so sorry. Such a lot to go through at a young age. I know how it feels to be bullied at school and have no friends. Have you told all this to your doctor? If you cant eat or sleep you really need to share that with your doctor. Did you seek any grief counselling when you lost your grandfather?

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome to DWD.

Can I just start with saying that just because you haven't had a relationship up until now it doesn't mean that you won't in the future - just that you haven't met the right person yet! You are "only" 26, so there is plenty of time to find the right person and to get the job you want etc...
So, what is the dream occupation?

[JustAnotherDude]

I don't know if my reply to your post got sent as a private message or not at all =D. If it did could you please resend it to me so I can post it on the forum(I thought the reply to post would just mention which post I am replying to)

[Suzi]

I don't have a pm from you, I'm afraid ;)
My husband has alopecia universalis (complete and total internal and external hair loss) so I can sympathise with that.
I don't know where you are studying, but can you apply to your uni for financial help - like a hardship loan or similar?

[JustAnotherDude]

Shame, I wrote a lot of stuff. In general it was about several things. I got diagnosed with sinusitis a month ago and for several years I have been having this constant pain behind my eyes and pressure in my head which makes me feel a bit sick/drunk throughout the day which is fine and dandy at work but is a real problem when I am trying to remember more complex stuff (uni). I don't feel like my life is that bad because some people have it far worse even in the 1st world you have homeless, disabled and jobless people so could be worse. The thing that is eating me up inside is that for years now I have tried to keep this positive attitude of ok, now I'm gonna turn my life around but I am 26 now and I feel like I have practically wasted my life. The headache, lack of appetite and poor sleep is preventing me from going forward. My first 2 years here(Austria) I had guitar students constantly playing on my head and in Germany where I was previously the whole 3 years there was a construction site outside my house. Unfortunately for me I am a light sleeper so that was a problem. Being to poor to change my home also doesn't help. Seeing all of those happy go lucky couples around me makes me feel really sad that I have never had a person like that with whom I can just enjoy a walk in the park with. I have for a long time felt kind of rejected by society seeing most of the guys I know decide to spend their time with my more interesting "friends" or the girls go for the guy next to me. Kind of makes you think at one point what is the meaning in trying to be successful in life if your boss and the people around you still treat you as if you are not good enough (note not implying that anyone owes me anything in life, I know they don't. Just wish for once I was the lucky person who people wanted to go to a picknick with, watch GoT or something)

[JustAnotherDude]

...continued
As I said your husband's condition seems far worse so it feels funny for me to complain. I just can't forgive myself for being such a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) up (we are our own worst critics after all) seeing all the people that I know getting married, having a really successful job and enjoying life while I have the feeling that no mater what I do happiness was just not meant for me. I've been wanting a change for years but even going to sleep is a struggle. I often roll in bed for hours.

[JustAnotherDude]

My biggest fear in life has always been that I would end up as an old, still single, bald geezer, who everyone would look at and be like "Look at that loser!" and I have a feeling that if I don't change something in my life, I am going to end up exactly like that. One of the reasons why I have tried to study so hard in the past.

[Suzi]

It's not about comparing your illness and feelings to someone else's because whatever you are going through is worst because it's affecting you. That's how it is and how it should be.
You aren't a loser and you can change things around.

[JustAnotherDude]

I know I really hadn't thought about what exactly I wan't to do after I finally graduate. I like computers and do enjoy some of the courses in my field(economics) so perhaps something in that direction. It's kind of a stupid thing but for me It has always been a mater of pride more than anything else. I don't really care about my condition that much as long as I can afford to have my own little apartment and work a job where I feel respected I would be ok. Being alone all these years I have had a lot of time to do self analysis and also to read and kind of mentally explore the world. In the end we all as humans are completely replaceable. We are all motivated by our own selfishness and insecurities (for example people have kids mostly because of selfish reasons not altruism and that's what keeps humanity going mind you). That's not to say I am definitely a pessimist. I just think that people are mostly the same which means a person has to be extraordinary to stick out in the crowd. Be the best at something at least compared to the people around you. My point here being that each one of us is trying to stand out in a way. And having f*cked up my chanced so bad I feel like it's too late for me to do anything anymore. Here in Austria it is perfectly normal for a person to study 5 years to get a degree and having started everything again at 23 i have at least 2 more years to go no matter how hard I try (the system is just built that way with a job max 20 ects per semester). The thing about life is that it's the same as university exams. No one will ask you why you life turned out the way it did, they just see the end result. Like how often have you wondered for example if the women at the counter of a gym studio is actually smarter person than you (no disrespect I mean the general "you") who just had a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ty life. At the end of the day all of that doesn't matter. What we see around us are people who we judge by simple factors: do you look good (am I attracted to you or find you generally attractive), do you earn a decent wage, do you get along with other people, how high are you in the social hierarchy. I can say that even character is really a replaceable factor because with 7 billion people on the planet there are bound to be plenty that act and think like you (general "you"). It's these kind of thoughts that get to me because that is just how the world works and seeing all the people I have come to know moving on with their lives and making progress is a really depressing thing when I think about my own life and how little I have achieved for all of this time.

[JustAnotherDude]

Excuse my spelling and grammar. Weirdly I am one of those people, who feel English like a second mother language when it comes to speaking it but can't spell for the life of me (also a bit lazy :P). Spent my whole childhood watching cartoon network, movies with subtitles and playing games. Would have much rather went to study in Canada because I hate German but $ is tight so what can you do.

[Suzi]

Your spelling and grammar are more than fine. No one would guess it's your second language - we have a few members who have that here.

I really think you are overthinking things. Not everyone judges in all the ways you suggest, but yes basic judgements do happen. However, here we try not to judge anyone - we aren't you and we don't have your experiences so can't know what it's like to be you etc...