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hudson88
10-09-19, 11:54 AM
Hi, im new to here and looking for some advice and tips on dating someone with depression and anxiety

my girlfriend, i have known for about a year, and we started dating about 3 months ago. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety shortly after we started dating.

I would be very grateful if anyone on here could help me with some general tips, help and advice on how best to support my girlfriend without smothering her and making her feel crowded - dos and donts.....

Any advice would be really appreciated

Suzi
10-09-19, 02:39 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD.
What kind of things do you want to know? I found it easier just to ask about each thing more specifically when I was desperately in need of help when my husband was ill and then had a breakdown.
It's great to see you here trying to help. That's hugely important for her.

hudson88
10-09-19, 03:11 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD.
What kind of things do you want to know? I found it easier just to ask about each thing more specifically when I was desperately in need of help when my husband was ill and then had a breakdown.
It's great to see you here trying to help. That's hugely important for her.

Thanks
Well specifically when she has bad days / weeks how best to cope and how best to deal with the emotional roller coaster

for example when she has good days everything is fine we get on amazing, but when she has bad days she pushes me away and says things like im better off without her, i deserve someone better, then when good days come she says dont leave me, even when i push you away please dont leave me i want to be with you forever

It can be really confusing getting such mixed messages I know its a lot to do with her

Suzi
10-09-19, 07:42 PM
Have you asked her what she wants and what she thinks might help her?
I have always hung around like a bad smell for my husband, keep reminding her how much you love her and how much you want to be there for her. Maybe write her a letter?

hudson88
11-09-19, 09:21 AM
Have you asked her what she wants and what she thinks might help her?
I have always hung around like a bad smell for my husband, keep reminding her how much you love her and how much you want to be there for her. Maybe write her a letter?

On numerous occasions
problem being she says she doesn't know
She keeps searching for a reason as to why shes feeling the way she is, and i think at present everyday is groundhog day
Ive tried to suggest going to see a therapist, but her reply is ive nothing to talk about, which i know isnt true as she opens up lots to me and i just listen, but finding what to say back when she does open up is probably the hardest thing to do.
a letter is a good idea, ive not tried that approach

Suzi
11-09-19, 01:38 PM
Has she seen her Dr? Is she on meds? What about getting some exercise or eating and drinking healthily?

hudson88
11-09-19, 04:27 PM
Has she seen her Dr? Is she on meds? What about getting some exercise or eating and drinking healthily?

she is seeing her doctor fortnightly and they are constantly changing her meds as they are all having different affects
eg insomnia, weight gain and now the most recent is leading to a change in mood with weight loss

as for eating at moment shes eating very little and im trying to advise her to eat more as this will help, but i cannot force her

exercise - again last batch of meds she was on she was fine out exercising walking running etc but since this new batch, its nothing even crossing the door is a struggle day to day

she has another appointment with the doctor this week

Suzi
11-09-19, 04:57 PM
OK the changing of meds will be a nightmare for her! As a general rule it takes around 6 weeks for any anti depressant medication to get fully into someone's system, and then each time the dose/meds are changed it takes the same amount of time. Meds also take about the same to get out of your system - so if she's on a med for 2 weeks and changes then she's going to have the starting side effects of 2 meds and one leaving her system too itms?
Do you go with her to the Dr?

hudson88
12-09-19, 09:10 AM
OK the changing of meds will be a nightmare for her! As a general rule it takes around 6 weeks for any anti depressant medication to get fully into someone's system, and then each time the dose/meds are changed it takes the same amount of time. Meds also take about the same to get out of your system - so if she's on a med for 2 weeks and changes then she's going to have the starting side effects of 2 meds and one leaving her system too itms?
Do you go with her to the Dr?


I see changes with her very quickly when meds are switched - within days sometimes - this latest switch occurred almost 2 weeks ago and on the day of the change she sent me the following message “ I know i am a mess just now i am up and down in mood i am trying so hard to be better, please dnt leave me when things get hard, honestly i love you so much and I dnt ever mean to push you away so dnt let me when i have another bad day, please bare with me, I dnt want to loose you, I honestly mean it when i say I want to spend the rest of my life with you”

I’ve offered too but she wants to go alone
She tells me that when alone with the doctor she feels she can open up more and talk to the doctor

This weeks been brutal she’s been very very distant
She’s changed plans we had made and is sleeping lots and being a stranger

Suzi
12-09-19, 09:16 AM
What meds is she on currently? Which ones has she been on? Are they referring her for talking therapy?

hudson88
12-09-19, 09:32 AM
What meds is she on currently? Which ones has she been on? Are they referring her for talking therapy?

Started on citalopram that was changed to lexapro I think not sure what this batch are
She also takes beta blockers to help with anxiety
She’s been referred to a councillor but that appointment hasn’t taken place yet

Suzi
12-09-19, 02:21 PM
How long has she been on them? Does she feel that they are helping?
When was the last thing you did something lovely just for you? Are you looking after you?

hudson88
12-09-19, 04:17 PM
How long has she been on them? Does she feel that they are helping?
When was the last thing you did something lovely just for you? Are you looking after you?

She’s been on them for 2 weeks now
She’s gone into her shell and struggles to leave the house day to day
I’ve not really asked her if she thinks they are working but I can tell they are making her very reclusive and not wanting anyone around

Good question and one I discussed with a friend last night
I haven’t been myself for a few months I’ve been so devoted trying to help her
I’m at the point though I know I need to start living my life again otherwise there is a possibility of her depression impacting me which I’m very conscious of

Suzi
12-09-19, 09:09 PM
You do have to look after you - if you don't then you can't look after her.
Also, just as an aside you know that we have separate sections here for men and women so she could join if you both thought it might help and you'd both have separate areas to talk...

hudson88
17-09-19, 01:33 PM
You do have to look after you - if you don't then you can't look after her.
Also, just as an aside you know that we have separate sections here for men and women so she could join if you both thought it might help and you'd both have separate areas to talk...

Thanks

The inevitable has happened, she asked to split up

shes not in the frame of mind for a relationship and furthermore she has told me that she needs to find herself and get herself back together

it hurts like hell especially after her asking me to never leave her when she pushes me away, but i cannot force myself to make her have a relationship :(

i have never put so much into one relationship and given it my all. i want so much to help her out here, but think the only way i can help her atm is to do as she asks and hope one day she reflects on things

Jaquaia
17-09-19, 01:35 PM
I am so sorry! Please make sure you look after yourself (panda)

Suzi
17-09-19, 02:07 PM
Is she asking because she thinks you "deserve better?" or because she is "a burden?" (All things I've heard before)

I'm so sorry....

hudson88
17-09-19, 02:12 PM
Is she asking because she thinks you "deserve better?" or because she is "a burden?" (All things I've heard before)

I'm so sorry....

because she doesnt know whats shes feeling, not ready for a relationship or to be making future plans
she needs space to get better without pressure from anyone else
she cant give me what i want (ive not put any pressure on her)
she needs to get back to normal by herself
she doest want to hurt me, its unfair on me
she isnt making this decision based on medication or depression and has been thinking about it for a few days
its her and she needs time to heal herself

Suzi
17-09-19, 02:15 PM
How do you feel?

hudson88
17-09-19, 02:17 PM
How do you feel?

i feel gutted, but ill get through it
the hardest part is dealing with the mood swing in 10 days from being ready to live together and planning a future to this
the only reason causing this is her depression
i feel like i want to go speak to her and talk it through but at the same time i dont want to disrespect her wishes

Suzi
17-09-19, 04:34 PM
Your feelings are important too.... Maybe write your feelings down and hand it to her?

hudson88
18-09-19, 09:06 AM
Your feelings are important too.... Maybe write your feelings down and hand it to her?

I sent her a letter last week it wasnt even acknowledged
Today i sent a text just saying that i respect her decision im hurt and that im here for her

i dont know if there is much else i can do to be honest without pushing her further away

Suzi
18-09-19, 09:42 AM
Maybe you need to give her a couple of days and then just send her another message?

hudson88
18-09-19, 09:50 AM
Maybe you need to give her a couple of days and then just send her another message?

thats been my thinking, just leave her until the weekend and if she reaches out great if not then so be it

she has replied to my message this morning saying that she really appreciates my words and that she is sorry for hurting me

for today and the rest of the week, i think i need to just get on with my life and look after my health

Suzi
18-09-19, 10:14 AM
That sounds more than sensible... I hope you're not going to vanish from here though?

hudson88
18-09-19, 11:34 AM
That sounds more than sensible... I hope you're not going to vanish from here though?

No way....... Im currently making her gift, an idea ive seen online - a jar full of handwritten quotes, reminders and ideas on how to relax, colour coded, ill send her in for the weekend, hope it puts a smile on her face and makes her realise everyday how much i care

Suzi
18-09-19, 02:48 PM
That's so lovely! She's very lucky to have you! :)

hudson88
18-09-19, 03:10 PM
That's so lovely! She's very lucky to have you! :)

im not sure how it will be received but i can only try and support her

Suzi
18-09-19, 07:53 PM
It's worth a try. At least you'll always know you've done all you can to try...

hudson88
18-09-19, 11:54 PM
It's worth a try. At least you'll always know you've done all you can to try...

I’m wrestling with myself tonight
She’s asked for space, do you think sending this gesture might drive her further away considering the response I received over the letter ?
Could she view this as me suffocating her more ?

Suzi
19-09-19, 08:42 AM
Only you will know that... I don't know her or how she is. It could go one of 2 ways...

hudson88
19-09-19, 11:18 PM
Only you will know that... I don't know her or how she is. It could go one of 2 ways...

Decided to hold fire for a bit
Had my own first session with a therapist today to try and help me cope and WOW what an eye opener
The former gf has also re engaged with me today albeit just a few texts but a step forward
Just a confusion episode and suppose if I want to help her I have to expect the rollercoaster to continue

Suzi
20-09-19, 07:43 AM
Therapy? In what way an eye opener?
Glad she's texting - as long as that's what's healthy for you too.

Once she's on the right treatment (meds/therapy/etc) then things should level out more. My husband still has crappy days, but far more good ones and you have to remember those without a mental health diagnoses have good days and crap ones....

hudson88
20-09-19, 09:43 AM
Therapy? In what way an eye opener?
Glad she's texting - as long as that's what's healthy for you too.

Once she's on the right treatment (meds/therapy/etc) then things should level out more. My husband still has crappy days, but far more good ones and you have to remember those without a mental health diagnoses have good days and crap ones....

Yes, i spoke to a therapist to try and understand her condition better and perhaps get an insight into whats going on, but the therapist also dug into myself and how i deal with matters and really opened my eyes about myself and how i deal and process things, i found out a lot about myself

im not sure her texting is really helping me to be honest, its tough because i obviously have my feelings burning away and desire to build a future and her rational at this stage is just be kind and hopefully fix herself with no consideration to a relationship - ive keep the texts light hearted and non pressuring and i suppose i can only see what if anything develops in time and continue to give her the space she desires

Suzi
20-09-19, 12:37 PM
Are you going to carry on seeing the therapist? Something you found helpful?
Don't sacrifice your own happiness though hunni...

hudson88
20-09-19, 07:58 PM
Are you going to carry on seeing the therapist? Something you found helpful?
Don't sacrifice your own happiness though hunni...

Yes I am as I’m finding a lot out about myself and how I manage myself and conduct myself in relationship

It won’t be a quick fix I am going to have to work hard at it

I’m trying not too sacrifice myself I’m doing my own things living my own life and will take everyday as it comes now

She knows I love and care for her but the balls in her court if she comes back or not

Suzi
20-09-19, 09:20 PM
Good for you lovely.

hudson88
23-09-19, 06:17 PM
Good for you lovely.

So another eventful weekend
Everyday she’s texting my asking how I am and what I’m doing then opens up about other things that have gone on in her life that she cannot talk about but is going to seek help about
I explain that’s a good step and that I’m here to help her
She then goes on to explain that she doesn’t want a relationship with me and wants us to remain friends - this is the part I find really tough
As much as I want to be there to help her through this I don’t think I can if all I can be is a friend and helping her recover for her to potentially take the new her to be with someone else is what’s killing me inside
Do I remain friends in the hope for more?
Do I push her in the hope she comes back?
It’s really confusing and even more so as I promised if help her through this

Suzi
23-09-19, 06:47 PM
Do you want to be friends?

hudson88
23-09-19, 07:01 PM
Do you want to be friends?

Yes I do but I also want to be her boyfriend again

hudson88
23-09-19, 07:03 PM
I’d this the part I park the emotions and concentrate on just being a good stable friend at this stage? And see what comes of it ?

Paula
23-09-19, 07:16 PM
Hi Hudson, sorry about the delayed welcome.

In my experience, it is possible to be friend’s with an ex - in fact I am friends with my ex husband. However, I think it’s dangerous to be friends with someone only because you hope you're going to have more. So, what do you really think is likely to happen?

hudson88
23-09-19, 07:46 PM
Hi Hudson, sorry about the delayed welcome.

In my experience, it is possible to be friend’s with an ex - in fact I am friends with my ex husband. However, I think it’s dangerous to be friends with someone only because you hope you're going to have more. So, what do you really think is likely to happen?

I can be friends it’s just so raw that I need space to break the feelings i ultimately have for her. But when she texts everyday it’s difficult because it’s a reminder to me that I have these feelings
And I don’t want to come across as insensitive and say hey cut the contact because at this moment she seems to be opening up more and letting me in more to her past albeit with no relationship tag attached
They’re is more she’s divulging day by day and perhaps my sympathetic ear and understanding is what she needs at this stage of her recovery

Suzi
23-09-19, 08:31 PM
But you're her friend and not her counsellor? Maybe she needs pushing towards drs and counselling?

hudson88
24-09-19, 12:00 AM
But you're her friend and not her counsellor? Maybe she needs pushing towards drs and counselling?

I agree and she is going to speak to her doctor about that

I have also told her to help speed up the process she could go to a private therapist but she wants to speak to the doctor first before taking the next step

Suzi
24-09-19, 09:20 AM
Just make sure that while you're trying to do the right thing for her,that you aren't sacrificing your own happiness.....

hudson88
24-09-19, 11:21 AM
Just make sure that while you're trying to do the right thing for her,that you aren't sacrificing your own happiness.....

Thanks, im trying hard to occupy my mind and keep myself busy and not let her consume its but its tough at times, im sure with time and space that will ease

Suzi
24-09-19, 02:08 PM
Are you taking care of the basics? Eating and drinking properly? Getting some exercise?

hudson88
24-09-19, 02:53 PM
Are you taking care of the basics? Eating and drinking properly? Getting some exercise?

Yes, im doing plenty of walking/ running and talking things through with my family

they have been supportive

i suppose the hardest thing to comprehend is that for some reason after all her talk of wanting to live together and spend the rest of our lives together and asking me not to leave her side when she has a bad spell, to then all of a sudden change her mind completely for no reason is the hardest thing to deal with in it all - suppose the highs and lows of depression and anxiety do this

Suzi
24-09-19, 02:56 PM
It can be...

hudson88
24-09-19, 02:59 PM
It can be...

then again it might be how she truly feels... suppose ill never really know

Suzi
24-09-19, 08:38 PM
Not at the moment... You need to take care of you right now. Work out what you want and go from there...

hudson88
25-09-19, 11:57 AM
Not at the moment... You need to take care of you right now. Work out what you want and go from there...

Thanks Suzi, i will keep you posted on developments and hope someone out there reads this thread and it helps them too

Suzi
25-09-19, 05:54 PM
Thank you! You're always welcome to hang around :)