Feeling depressed due to turning 30 and having alw [Archive]

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Lundi_Hákarlsson

01-09-19, 10:58 PM

Hi everyone.

I am a 29 year old male from San Francisco, California, USA who has never been able to have a girlfriend and am still a virgin despite not wanting to be. I turn 30 in October. Since today is the first day of September, I am naturally quite concerned that I will be turning 30 next month being in this state.

I have always been a shy, introverted, anxious and awkward person. Perhaps I spent too much time studying, focussing my entire life up until my mid-20s on studying. I studied two degrees in university, mathematics and pre-med molecular biology, thus having twice the courseload of a regular student. I neglected my entire social life, and had no dating life to speak of. I spent basically the whole day trying to stay afloat with my studies. My only other serious hobbies were and are introverted activities, such as competitive chess and foreign languages.

When I was around 25 I felt very lonely and sad that I still had never had a girlfriend and was still a virgin. I felt pain knowing that to be a virgin this old as a male is very taboo and looked down upon. I joined meetup groups, met some interesting people, and went on a few dates, but it seemed that women just did not like me.

So here I am at age 29 and 11 months old, still without a girlfriend and still a virgin. I feel very depressed and enormous shame for how I am. I feel depressed as well for feeling missing out on love and sex like most males my age.

But what really pains me is seeing and hearing comments from women that someone in my situation must be very weird to have always been single and a virgin. Especially since I am not religious, so I am not practising abstinence at all. I just simply ended up this way.

I would like if any female members here have any opinion of this. I have lived most of my life in USA and went to uni in Britain. But my general impression was that both American and British women would find me totally undateable, unattractive and a weird freak due to being single and a virgin at almost 30. I hope my fears are not true though.

Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated.

Jaquaia

01-09-19, 11:24 PM

AAndrea

02-09-19, 01:39 AM

Lundi_Hákarlsson

02-09-19, 04:46 AM

Hi and welcome. I personally don't see that it matters, it will happen when it happens, but then I am not male and have a different set of pressures.

I'm pretty confident that there will be more people than you realise who are still a virgin at 30. It most certainly doesn't make you undateable or unattractive and it definitely doesn't make you a freak!

It might be worth starting to work on your social skills, a lot of the time the more you practise something the easier it gets. Maybe if you feel a little more comfortable around people you would find it a little easier to meet someone?

Thanks for responding. As a male, there is definitely a different dynamic. Many males, especially those under 30, will outright call you names if you ever hint that you are a male virgin past even age 20. There is a certain amount of bullying in male-to-male interactions that is probably not prevalent in female-to-female interactions.

Even family members make comments. Apparently they tell my mother about how I am weird because I am almost 30 and they never saw any of my girlfriends. Rumours regularly circulate about me being asexual or just a completely weird.

In contrast, my mother was a virgin until age 27, but she said that no one ever made negative remarks about her for this. Maybe women are just not as brutal as men when it comes to insulting each other.

I am trying to work on my social skills now. I feel that I am very late to catch up.

Exactly an hour ago a woman with whom I went out a week ago told me that she would rather be friends and nothing more. It hurts, but I am used to disappointment, so it does not hurt as much. At least it was not like when I was 26 and a girl whom I knew for a long time asked me to dinner on Valentine's Day, then cancelled abruptly saying that she was going with someone else. That really hurt. However, today it hurts enough that I feel physically sick to my stomach when thinking about this.

I think about the popular film 40 Year Old Virgin, which basically makes fun of an older male who is a virgin without wanting to be so. So there is a certain degree of ridicule with being a virgin this long; I just do not know to what extent nowadays. I do not want to end up like the caricature of some awkward male as portrayed in that film.

I live in San Francisco, USA, which has the dubious reputation of being the city in the Western world with the highest male-to-female ratio amongst the age group 20-40. Around 70%+ of people in this age group are all male.

I wish to move to Europe as soon as I can. I know from first-hand experience that when I lived in the UK, people were much friendlier and more compassionate than here where I live. Maybe not as many women in Europe would find my situation strange. At least I hope so.

Lundi_Hákarlsson

02-09-19, 05:17 AM

Hi
I am a 22 year old female and I think you are beautiful human being . You are smart and speak languages . I am 22 and a politics geek and I am still a virgin.
I can understand how you feel. We in a couple's world. We live in a world in which being in a relationship is the norm and being single is not . Everywhere I go all.see is.couples holding hands and kissing. I am being reminded of something I don't have.Being a virgin in your 20s and 30s something which is not discussed that much in society. The media , family and friends sometimes don't help . I have members that ask me when I am getting married and why I don't have boyfriend.I
I am ashamed of being a virgin too.
You are not alone . People get married in their 30s , 40s and even 50s.
I can't advise as i.don't understand being 30.
I do know you are amazing from.what you told me .
People find love I'm the weirdest of places
I love you and Goodnight from
Andrea from London

Hi Andrea, thanks for responding.

And thanks for the compliments. I am not that smart--I spent all of my years at uni studying and studying trying to at least pass due to having too much courseload. Yes, I can say that I have a bunch of STEM degrees, plus speak around five languages to CEFR C1/C2 level, and a few more to CEFR B1/B2 level, but somehow this is not much consolation for my situation. I am glad that I have these accomplishments, both academically and in activities such as competitive chess...I can do all of these things, but I feel like I do not attract women. As if whatever talent I had went very unevenly to academics and none to social/romantic skills.

You are 22, that is almost eight years younger than I am. What I can say is that a male approaching age 30 being a virgin is quite depressing. I am clearly not young again like you are in your early twenties.

I completely understand the feeling of missing out, because I went through the same thing at age 22. At least you are younger. At my age I find that there is a lot of taboo about being in this situation. As I replied to Jaquaia above, many family members make derogatory comments about me because they have never seen any of my girlfriends. They tell my mother that I am a weirdo, and insinuate that I am asexual. Their mentality is that people who are single that long are doing so deliberately; they want to be single. They do not know that I am in this situation despite not wanting to be.

In the country where I live, there definitely are a large minority of women who remain virgins for long. It is usually because they are very religious and/or practise abstinence. But I can understand your feeling of being a virgin at 22.

It is true that people find love in very random places, in their 30s, 40s, etc. The thing is that many of these older people had already had several relationships before as well.

I am not sure how the dating dynamic is in London. I lived for a bit in Newcastle and Manchester. In both places I felt that people were less judgemental than where I currently live in San Francisco, USA.

Over the years here, men have called me weird, asexual and other names. Women have called me ugly and that I "look like a virgin". Maybe I give off a strange vibe, who knows.

I feel as if I am stuck in a rut. I understand your feeling about when people ask when you are getting married. Virtually every adult family member has asked me the same thing, as well as other related questions. It seems like they want to make me feel worse if anything. The media certaintly do not help, in fact it seems like they encourage ridiculing virgins and single people.

To say that I feel terrible is an understatement.

Suzi

02-09-19, 10:00 AM

Lundi_Hákarlsson

02-09-19, 09:57 PM

Hi and welcome to DWD.

Let me start by saying that someone telling you that you "look like a virgin" is rubbish. You can't tell by looking at someone whether they have had sex or not. They've just made a comment which attacks a generalised insecurity and happened to be right that you haven't "done the deed" yet...

Is this just about having sex or is it more about wanting that relationship which leads to sex?

It is true that what they say is rubbish. I presume that they mean I look awkward or nerdy, which is like virgins. It is annoying that friends, strangers and family make comments like these. It makes me more introverted and not wanting to interact with them.

It is definitely the latter. Friends and family make sly comments about how I should just fly to a place like Amsterdam, go to the Red Light District and get over with it. But I know that I would feel even worse if I even tried this.

I want it to happen naturally, which is the problem. I feel like I am missing out. But going the Amsterdam route would make me feel worthless.

Suzi

02-09-19, 10:29 PM

D'you know what? My husband is a definite nerd and he's awesome. What kind of things are you into? What kind of things are you doing to meet people?

Lundi_Hákarlsson

03-09-19, 02:33 AM

The city where I live is not very good for meeting people. In my age group, over 70% of the population are male and usually very introverted because here is the IT capital of the world. Nevertheless I attend two meetup groups on a weekly or two-week basis: a foreign language group and a Europeans group.

As for hobbies, I like chess (not as a simple game, but as a competitive sport and as a science) and foreign languages. In chess there are very few women and is widely known as a "sausagefest" activity since it is normal a chess tournament to have a male-to-female ratio of somewhere high like 500-1. Foreign languages are usually better for meeting women. But as I said, my city skews heavily male, and many meetups can average 80% male. Sometimes 95-100% male.

Maybe meeting people online is better. But so far I do not know any online meeting groups to meet women. When I lived in Britain, I met a lot more women than I do here. But in the UK I was always studying hard instead of focussing on dating.

Suzi

03-09-19, 09:39 AM

I've had a quick look around for meet up groups in San Fran, and it's not that easy to find groups for hetrosexual people.....

Speed dating? https://www.sfquickdates.com/default.aspx
Top tips? https://www.emlovz.com/dating-in-san-francisco-in-your-30s-guys/
Best bars to meet single people? https://www.thrillist.com/drink/san-francisco/best-single-bars-san-francisco

Jarre

03-09-19, 04:04 PM

Hi Lundi and welcome to the forum. Boy does this remind me of me when i was your age ( i turned 40 last week) blokes are complete knobs when the subject of "have you done it" comes up in sometimes childish ways and I must tell you to preseve and ignore, a high proportion of men who have lost it at a younger age could fall into many categories and I can assure you it may have been memerable for ways they do not wish to be known or can't even remember it becuase they were drunk or not wanting to. Society is wrong to put so much pressure on a person should have done it by x time as it basically takes away the passion and experience when a mindset is on to get it over with as quick as possible and a high percentage of times the first time is with someone they wont have a relationship with. Now don't get me wrong this is not always the case, but this is what I have seen with my own eyes and have dealt with the aftermath of. My first and only tiem was with a friend who offered to help me get it over with and it was then that I understood what I really wanted in life and it wasn't just someone to sleep with and do the deed I actually just wanted a person to snuggle up to and feel safe with, sex was a bonus not a necessity and I was to focused on getting it done than the real want. So what if it takes some time to find a partner for the deed but make it to find someone you can love and who will love you then when the time is right the deed can follow but would be in such a better atmosphere and special rather than finding someone quick who you don't share anything with just to say you screwed someone. Men are dicks we know that so ignore them they will most likely have stories they don't want to be known and women are jsut as bad with other women on the subject. Sex is something to enjoy and feel relaxed doing, the world these days sees it differently and the whole act is just pushed as something else

Lundi_Hákarlsson

03-09-19, 07:48 PM

Yes, San Francisco is not only the tech capital of the world, but it is also the gay capital of the world. It creates this weird dynamic where there are a lot more men than women, especially in my age group. I wonder sometimes if I were back in the UK I would not be in this situation.

I did try one speed dating event a few years ago. It was terrible and I very expensive, costing $45 (around 35 quid).

I go to meetups which are in bars, but nothing really happens. In SF I usually see women in groups, and men in their own groups, and many times they do not intermingle. In addition, I am naturally awkward. I am not as shy as when I was younger, but I have this awkwardness that makes me appear robotic.

Hi Jarre,

Thanks for responding. Yes, males are idiotic when they pressure and insult their peers about being virgins. I have had my fair share, so I do not even mention it to them anymore.

I remember there was some semi-celibrity who was a male virgin at age 30 due to religious reasons. Still, I saw that the media, especially women, made fun of him over and over with comments like "What is wrong with him?". And that was just one man practising abstinence. Imagine what they would say about someone like me, who is not practising abstinence, but it just never happened for me.

Jarre

03-09-19, 09:11 PM

The media is very toxic these days on everything and is a small part to blame for common thinking, everythign these days has to have some sexual inuendo or link to sell stuff, to make scandles etc etc. and theirs clothing aimed at teens etc which is another thing entirely and has many arguments about whether its right or not. I digresse I'd jsut ask you to give yourself a break, ignore the others live life how you want and not rush into anything.

Suzi

03-09-19, 10:57 PM

The thing is, women aren't that mysterious, try going over and just saying "hi"... Start the conversation, join a group - try dancing or running or something and just be you! Sex comes later, just get out there and start talking to people!

Lundi_Hákarlsson

04-09-19, 05:14 AM

I suppose that that is the problem. What is easy for most men is difficult for me.

I will attend a meetup this Sunday where the age group is around ages 30-70. I try not to expect anything, since I am used to disappointment.

Suzi

04-09-19, 10:00 AM

It's NOT easy! Don't ever think that it is. Both my husband and one of my daughters have social anxiety and I know how hard they find social situations....

So, you like competitive chess? Are you any good?

Do you not have any hobbies or interests that can help you get out and meet people - or what about meeting people online?

Lundi_Hákarlsson

04-09-19, 08:45 PM

As a teenager I was selected to be a member of the American delegation in the World U18 Championships. I won the U18 championship of my state (I leave out the exact years because anyone could look me up on the chess databases and find out who I am quite easily). I was indeed thinking of being a professional chess player as a career, but I chose to attend university instead. Since then, I have not played very much at all, and I have yet to earn my grandmaster title. I plan to do so when I can though. But yes, I have always taken chess very seriously.

Chess is a heavily male sport/activity though. Even high level chess tournaments are segregated by gender. I love foreign languages too, but there are few good meetups for that here. I tend to be bad at very touchy activities such as dancing.

Meeting people online would not be bad. I would not mind talking with women from Europe, Britain, Australia for example. But other than dating apps, where nothing happens for me, I never found a forum that is specifically for that.

Suzi

04-09-19, 09:05 PM

Are you on Facebook? Sometimes I've known friends to meet their partners through being friends of a friend etc...

Congrats on the chess - I'm really cr(p at chess, no matter how much I practise - my son came 2nd when he was in year 7 beaten by one of their teachers who was a chess champion! :)

What about work? Any social occasions?

Lundi_Hákarlsson

05-09-19, 12:25 AM

Yes, I am on Facebook. A lot of people I know are usually either in relationships/engaged/married or on the other side, similar to situations like mine, but usually without the virginity problem.

I know quite a few males my age who are single and struggling with dating. They usually talk about how there is an excess of males in this city, which is true. But since they are single too, since they are technically competing with me, any woman whom they know they would probably try to get to know her better instead of trying to introduce her to me.

Generally here, any type of social gathering is almost certain to skew heavily male. I will have to make do with that for now, until I move out of the country.

Lundi_Hákarlsson

05-09-19, 12:29 AM

As for chess, when I was around 11 or 12, I could have formed relationships with some of the few local girl players my age. My awkwardness really messed that up, because years later some told me that they had liked me, but found my awkwardness and anxious demeanour quite off-putting.

If I had found girlfriends from chess much younger, I probably would not be stuck in the rut that I am now at 30.

Suzi

05-09-19, 08:06 AM

Could you not date/make social connections from outside of the city? Doesn't have to be countries apart?

05-09-19, 09:43 PM

You have already posted on no more panic ?

Lundi_Hákarlsson

05-09-19, 11:03 PM

San Francisco's outlying peripheral areas are quite similar to the city. A 60 mile/100 km radius around the city, all the way down to Silicon Valley, has very similar culture. It is almost like its own country.

I am trying to download some new apps and see what happens.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-reasons-dating-in-san-f_b_9833866

Suzi

06-09-19, 12:30 PM

Good for you!!!

Lundi_Hákarlsson

06-10-19, 01:03 AM

I have but a little more than two weeks before I turn 30. After that one time over a month ago when I went to a restaurant with that woman who started talking about birth control, I have had no more dates so far. My obsession with numerical significance and statistics tells me that that it is more than extremely likely that I turn 30 still being single/virgin.

There is very little online dating coach advice specifically for guys on the spectrum. What I am doing instead if just seeing what some of the advice for NT guys is (and of course the advice from here), and pick what makes sense to me and ignore the rest. For example, following the advice about being less serious, but ignoring the advice about quickly escalating touching. If she loses attraction because I do not engage in touching, then so be it. We would not be compatible if that is the case.

I think that after reflecting for weeks on this, looking back, I have probably hated myself for too long. Dealing with social anxiety, generalised anxiety, OCD, sinking in and out of depression depending on life situations, plus the Asperger's have made most of my life, especially my 20s, a psychological torture. But now I realise that I have been to hard on myself. Anything good that I accomplish, I compare with someone else and say well they did even better than I do.

I fail to consider the positives in myself, always focussing on the negatives. Probably due to listening too much to the insults/criticism over the years, especially of the "haha virgin loser" sort of comments. After deep introspection, I truly believe that I have a lot to offer. Maybe I am not the worthless, disgusting person that I always have considered myself to be for decades. Sometimes I feel sad that it seems like here where I am the women whom I meet do not see my positives, or I am just incompatible with so many here. But it is what it is, and I cannot change the past.

I try to look forward to beginning the 30s on a good note. All of the torture of my 20s I think I did not deserve it, but it is what it is. I can only try to change the future.

Jaquaia

06-10-19, 08:28 AM

That's a really positive post!

Suzi

06-10-19, 10:41 AM

Wow! That's really positive! Go you!

Paula

06-10-19, 11:53 AM

I’m sorry I didn’t say hi before - I’ve been in hospital. I love that you’re looking towards the positives, we’ll done you!