I Despise Myself *SU TRIGGERS *

[Penguin]

Hi everybody, new here just joined. So I might as well get right into it.

I'm 29 years old, live with my partner and our 4 dogs. I have been bodybuilding/weight training since the age of 16. I mention this as it is literally the only thing that is keeping me chugging along at the moment.

Pretty much all through my life I have never known what I wanted to do/be. I got enough GCSEs to get into sixth form college and I lasted a single day before quitting. I just hated the whole classroom environment (was deeply unhappy in secondary school from year 8 to year 10.) I wouldn't call myself a lazy person, I have worked pretty much since leaving school and I do want to work and be productive. This here is where my biggest problem lies I think.

For over ten years now I have worked in a warehouse, I am currently a cleaning Supervisor there and I just feel a total failure. I hate the job I am in, the people I work with, I am embarrassed with the lack of achievement I have at almost 30. Please understand, this is not about money or status at all. I would work gladly for minimum wage if it meant I was happy to go into work. I can't even drive. Due to leaving college my education is limited to GCSE level and a Diploma in Level 2 Fitness Instructing I took when I was 24.

The issue is I know all the answers to my problems. Start taking driving lessons, pursue a career in personal training or something similiar, I just do not have the motivation to go and do it. I allowed myself to take the easy option of a 'safe' job, I have had these feelings for a while but always told myself ''you're lucky to even have a job, be grateful' so I stuck my head in the sand. Now it has all hit me like a brick wall. I have researched ways on how to kill myself and putting it bluntly to do a guaranteed job but I just don't have the bottle to do it.

Furthermore, I am unhappy in my relationship. We have been together 5+ years, had some fantastic times but it just seems now we have nothing in common and no shared interests. Our weekends are mostly spent hardly speaking, not through dislike but because we have nothing to speak about. It is just a case of watching garbage TV, heads stuck in our phones or me going upstairs very early and just sitting around miserable. I do think however a big part of this is down to my self loathing, I must be awful to live with and I feel bad about that too. We have horrendous rows frequently, both to blame in some parts but I know it certainly isn't healthy. Again, the answer to this would be to split up and move on, though again I have no life inside me to do that either.

I really do hate the person I am. Due to my own failings (which I know are entirely my fault), I can be very a very nasty, cold individual and of course for this I feel hugely guilty for. I constantly make resolutions to myself to at least be a better person if nothing else but this just fails constantly and I don't really know why.

I have never been an outgoing person and I am very socially awkward. I don't drink often at all but if I do decide to go to a birthday party, say my brother's, I have to be drunk before turning up. This is a person I should be comfortable to be around, we grew up together after all.

I just feel my existence is very futile. The most frustrating part is knowing the answers to how I can change but as said not having the determination to do so. I have put an act on most of my life, I'm known kind of like the big guy who doesn't care about much at all. It couldn't be further from the truth. I am very insecure, anxious but just don't have that grit to turn things around.

Thank you if you have had the patience to read this. I just felt the urge to write something down as I regularly have bouts of rage/depression/anxiety/despair, I'm not even sure what it would be medically described as to be honest. I feel incredibly alone and have isolated myself but this again is MY doing. I have friends and family but I just mainly stay quiet and in turn have pushed a few people away. I do prefer to be alone as socially, even if its just with one person, I can feel very uncomfortable and awkward. This has been the case since I was young though, no idea where its manifested from. My brother is a confident person and we had the same upbringing, I have no sob story. Our dad was an alcoholic and our mother ended up leaving him when I was 16, which was a good thing. We have had massive problems with our sister and her lifestyle but I want to get across I know there are a ton of people out there who have had it so much worse than me.

Again, thanks for reading and feel free to comment, anything, I appreciate the truth no matter how blunt. Hope everyone is coping.

[Jaquaia]

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

The first point I want to make is it doesn't matter if people have had it much worse than you. If it affects you than it's important. I can't remember the exact words but I saw a great analogy on fb of all places! It was basically saying that we shouldn't compare suffering, that some people have paper plates and some have ceramic and those with paper plates can't carry as much as those with ceramic. It made a lot of sense to me. Suffering is very personal and what some can cope with, others can't and that's ok.

Have you seen a doctor about how you're feeling? They can signpost you to services that could help. Maybe contact Mind or Andy's Man Club if you have those locally. There's also Recovery College, they often do courses to help with things like self-esteem.

For what it's worth, I'm 35, and although I have a degree, I don't work because of how ill I got. With the right help, I'm only just getting my life how I want it. I've started driving lessons and I've gone back to uni to start retraining. In just over a week I start doing my practical qualifications. It's not how I imagined my life but I have adapted and it's how I will live it now. My driving instructor has a brilliant way of putting it. "We can get to Bridlington a couple of different ways. It doesn't matter how we get there as long as we get there".

[Jarre]

Morning Penguin. Firstly Jaq just added a little trigger notice to your post as forum guidlines, don't worry you've not done anything wrong its just for people who it could trigger they can make a decission about reading or not. Welcome to dwd, were not health professionals but we are a community of like minded people who help each other and share experiences good and bad.
Have you ever considered visiting a Dr to start the ball rolling with some counselling sessions to be able to download alot of whats making you feel this? Do you know whats caused the low feeling at the begining? You say you just do safe jobs but they are very boring, what would be an unsafe job for you? Have you thought about looking into a job where you can have some achievement and something to show at the end do you think this would help you? I know due to being in the industry construction can be very rewarding and the industry is in need of alot of people, most local colleges do training courses in trades and you don't need alot of qualifications to do them and you get a good sesnse of achievement afterwards that lasts as a building could be stood up for your lifetime and longer. Do you find spending time with the dogs a calming experience, rather than sitting in the room have you thought aboout taking a walk with the dogs to clear head?

[Penguin]

Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

The first point I want to make is it doesn't matter if people have had it much worse than you. If it affects you than it's important. I can't remember the exact words but I saw a great analogy on fb of all places! It was basically saying that we shouldn't compare suffering, that some people have paper plates and some have ceramic and those with paper plates can't carry as much as those with ceramic. It made a lot of sense to me. Suffering is very personal and what some can cope with, others can't and that's ok.

Have you seen a doctor about how you're feeling? They can signpost you to services that could help. Maybe contact Mind or Andy's Man Club if you have those locally. There's also Recovery College, they often do courses to help with things like self-esteem.

For what it's worth, I'm 35, and although I have a degree, I don't work because of how ill I got. With the right help, I'm only just getting my life how I want it. I've started driving lessons and I've gone back to uni to start retraining. In just over a week I start doing my practical qualifications. It's not how I imagined my life but I have adapted and it's how I will live it now. My driving instructor has a brilliant way of putting it. "We can get to Bridlington a couple of different ways. It doesn't matter how we get there as long as we get there".

I apologise if I broke any rules, I've just joined and didn't realise.

I do enjoy time with the dogs, funny how before we met I wasn't a 'dog' person, again though it just comes down to that lack of motivation. I know there is a lot of moping going on I just don't know how to reverse it. The answers are there I just can't give myself a kick up the arse, excuse my language!

I've looked into a few home study courses as I work full time, a few I'm greatly interested in. Again though its that 'thinking of' part rather than getting it done. I'll admit I've always been very scared of change, yet I really do want to change the direction of my life. Very contradictory I know.

I appreciate your reply and what you've shared and both the analogy and quote make a lot of sense.

[Penguin]

I saw the Doc once, was referred to Healthy Minds but never followed it up. I feel very uncomfortable talking about these things, always choke up, this has been easier as I am typing if that makes sense.

I would say it started a few years ago, probably at 24 when I did my Level 2 at college in fact. The feelings were just nowhere near as severe though and I made the mistake of blocking them out. Its great to have gratitude but its been like a double-edged sword for me. On the one hand I'm eternally grateful I can go to the gym, have a roof over my head, pay my bills etc. On the other it has lead me to not pushing myself more when I am unhappy and of course has resulted in where I am now.

Money genuinely means nothing to me as long as I can cover the basics, my goal is to find a job where I am happy to go everyday. Then of course there is my relationship, other niggly things in my life but I need to deal with one thing at a time as I feel very overwhelmed. I get extremely angry with myself as I know I am the one who has let it build and done nothing to change it when the warning signs were there.

[Suzi]

No rules broken! It's fine!
Hi and welcome to DWD! This is a good place to talk, to get things out of your head and to not be judged at all.
I promise you that you are able to completely change your life if you want to do so - but would you do me a favour (I know, we've only just met and all that!) and go and see your Dr. Either tell them or print out what you've written here, or take some bullet points that you can just hand them and tell them everything. If your choice is an appointment in 3 weeks or an emergency appointment on the day, take the emergency appointment.

Once you are on a more even keel so to speak you can work on everything else, one step at a time. Have you thought about something like relate about your relationship?

[Jaquaia]

No rules broken lovely! Just guidelines. Admin will always put trigger warnings in if they feel a post may upset people. And don't worry about language, we have a swear filter in place ;)

I know how scary change is. You're talking to a girl who stayed in a cleaning job for 10 years because the thought of having an interview for something else absolutely terrified me. Same reason for why I've started to learn how to drive so late and then it was a case of necessity. That first step is always the hardest. I'm currently studying through the OU and loving it.

[Suzi]

Have you thought about taking on a client for personal training at the weekend or something? Then you can build it up slowly and see if it helps?

[Penguin]

Is relate relationship counselling I'm guessing, I've never heard of it?

I have considered Docs, counsellors etc on many occasions its just that I know as soon as I start talking I'll break down like a little kid. Its hard to explain I'm not ashamed of feelings, like playing the macho type or whatever, I'm just totally ashamed of myself and where I am in life and I find that really hard to speak about in person.


No rules broken lovely! Just guidelines. Admin will always put trigger warnings in if they feel a post may upset people. And don't worry about language, we have a swear filter in place ;)

I know how scary change is. You're talking to a girl who stayed in a cleaning job for 10 years because the thought of having an interview for something else absolutely terrified me. Same reason for why I've started to learn how to drive so late and then it was a case of necessity. That first step is always the hardest. I'm currently studying through the OU and loving it.

That basically sums up my work situation. I've been cleaning and supervising for just over a decade and it just isn't for me it doesn't fulfil me at all. Then the loathing starts like with something as trivial as driving etc and I just shut myself off. All the stuff I've looked at is with the OU too.

[Penguin]

Have you thought about taking on a client for personal training at the weekend or something? Then you can build it up slowly and see if it helps?

I was actually doing this previously but then when the bad feelings really started to hit I just knocked it on the head. I struggle with being around people when feeling like this so even something like that, which I can talk about all day and is the one thing I am confident and interested in, I just let it fall by the wayside. I do give nutrition/training plans for free still as its my major passion and its brilliant to see someone getting happier when their physique changes but it is online as to be perfectly honest, with all this negativity at the moment, I'm not the greatest person to be around and I know this wouldn't look good to potential clients either.

[Jaquaia]

I've found the OU to be brilliant. My tutors for both my level 1 modules were both incredibly supportive and had no problems giving me extensions if I needed them when my head wasn't working properly. It also removes the need to leave the house and actually deal with people!!! ;)

Breaking down with a counsellor/doctor is ok. They've seen/heard it all before. They'll be able to suggest services that can help woth self-esteem too.

[Suzi]

You have nothing to be ashamed of and I promise you wont be the first or last to cry in front of a doctor... You could also take your partner with you?

[Tommy_85]

Hi Penguin mate, read your post and just want to offer my support to you. I'm a 34 year old male, suffer with depression and social anxiety. I myself am very unfulfilled in life as well.
Have almost no social life, hardly anything that interests or stimulates me and feel so apathetic and useless in life. I think you've shown yourself to be very dedicated and strong willed in many ways- to of kept up with weight training /bodybuilding since the age of 16 till now is very impressive. Throughout my life I have never really kept to a hobby or interest and give up on things very easily. Also to work solidly for 10 years at a job you do not get fulfilment from shows a hell of a lot of grit and staying power. Things seem to be very hard for you and I really feel for what you're going through. Best wishes to you, feel free to contact me.

[Penguin]

Hi Penguin mate, read your post and just want to offer my support to you. I'm a 34 year old male, suffer with depression and social anxiety. I myself am very unfulfilled in life as well.
Have almost no social life, hardly anything that interests or stimulates me and feel so apathetic and useless in life. I think you've shown yourself to be very dedicated and strong willed in many ways- to of kept up with weight training /bodybuilding since the age of 16 till now is very impressive. Throughout my life I have never really kept to a hobby or interest and give up on things very easily. Also to work solidly for 10 years at a job you do not get fulfilment from shows a hell of a lot of grit and staying power. Things seem to be very hard for you and I really feel for what you're going through. Best wishes to you, feel free to contact me.

Thanks a lot for that mate, a few things you pointed out there did actually make me feel a little better too. Thanks to everyone else as well for the suggestions and support, I appreciate it all.

In regards with what you have said Tommy I do feel really bad as I'm in no position to give advice. I really wish I was. What keeps me going at the moment is knowing how my mum and brother would feel if I did something stupid, its the easy way out for us all and I'd only be leaving them with even more to cope with which i know is wrong.

If you don't mind me asking do you know what has caused your feelings, like was there a significant event or has it just been how your brain functions? What frustrates me is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for yet I still can't seem to be.

[Tommy_85]

Hi mate, nice to hear from you. It is very true that you have shown a lot of strength to manage to push yourself every day to do something that is causing you unhappiness. Not easy at all. In regards to my depression and anxiety there has not been a significant traumatic event in life that made me the way I am today. I just have never been comfortable in my own skin I guess. I haven't found my place in life. moved from job to job, dropped out of various courses over the years, moved around, drifted a lot. Just felt underwhelmed with life for a long time and withdraw and isolate myself due to the way I feel. The constant in my life has been my mother who means the world to me and without her I would feel completely empty. I think if you have the foundations of a job you enjoy, loving family, supportive friends and social life it makes life feel worthwhile. Unfortunately lot of people don't have these things.

[Suzi]

I think it's great that you both have your Mums who you both love and who are obvious support for you.

Just one thing though - I don't for one second think of suicide as the "easy way out" at all. I don't believe it's the best option and that there are always other things to do/try before that, but I'd never think it was easy.

Stay and talk. You are both more than welcome and wanted here.

[AAndrea]

Hey Penguin
Welcome.to forum . The people here are so lovely and nonjudgemental.
You sound cool a body builder.I hate sport or working out but when it comes to body builders admire them for their determination .
It's never too late to turn your life around.
At least you have your Gcses some people don't and struggle.
At you have worked i am 22 and never worked . You are not a.failure trust me.
Please don't end your life because you don't know what the future can bring . In 5 years time you could be in a different job or maybe a country , you can be an amazing husband or become a father. So much can change
Sucide is the biggest killer of men under 45.
Men are our brothers, husbands , sons .
Please get see your gp and get help. I know its.hard but don't stop fighting
I love you
Andrea

[Penguin]

Hi mate, nice to hear from you. It is very true that you have shown a lot of strength to manage to push yourself every day to do something that is causing you unhappiness. Not easy at all. In regards to my depression and anxiety there has not been a significant traumatic event in life that made me the way I am today. I just have never been comfortable in my own skin I guess. I haven't found my place in life. moved from job to job, dropped out of various courses over the years, moved around, drifted a lot. Just felt underwhelmed with life for a long time and withdraw and isolate myself due to the way I feel. The constant in my life has been my mother who means the world to me and without her I would feel completely empty. I think if you have the foundations of a job you enjoy, loving family, supportive friends and social life it makes life feel worthwhile. Unfortunately lot of people don't have these things.

I can relate to many of those things. Even though I havent moved much at all, all I want is to be fulfilled/content with where I am. The problem is if someone where to ask 'OK, what would make you feel that?' I can't give a specific answer.

I would love to be more outgoing but from a young child I have had major social anxiety and have isolated myself through choice. I'd rather be alone than with a group of people. Some take that as ignorant or even because of my size as some kind of aggression, which couldn't be further from the truth.

At least you have moved around a lot and seen different places on the positive side. I'm still in the same bloody town I was born in lol. Really hope we both find something that fits.

[Penguin]

I think it's great that you both have your Mums who you both love and who are obvious support for you.

Just one thing though - I don't for one second think of suicide as the "easy way out" at all. I don't believe it's the best option and that there are always other things to do/try before that, but I'd never think it was easy.

Stay and talk. You are both more than welcome and wanted here.

I'll be more specific here so I apologise of this is very morbid or breaks any rules.

What I meant was the after effects. The actual doing of the deed I totally agree would be horrendous, there is no guaranteed, painless way to go. But say you did and you put yourself through that hell its your loved ones who are left behind that have to deal with the grief. You would feel nothing after but they would feel it everyday of their lives. One of my best friends committed suicide near Xmas 2017, I was one of friends who carried his coffin and I could only imagine what his family must have been/gone through. He was 27 at the time, same age as me we grew up together at school.

[Penguin]

Hey Penguin
Welcome.to forum . The people here are so lovely and nonjudgemental.
You sound cool a body builder.I hate sport or working out but when it comes to body builders admire them for their determination .
It's never too late to turn your life around.
At least you have your Gcses some people don't and struggle.
At you have worked i am 22 and never worked . You are not a.failure trust me.
Please don't end your life because you don't know what the future can bring . In 5 years time you could be in a different job or maybe a country , you can be an amazing husband or become a father. So much can change
Sucide is the biggest killer of men under 45.
Men are our brothers, husbands , sons .
Please get see your gp and get help. I know its.hard but don't stop fighting
I love you
Andrea

I really appreciate your kind words.

Can I just say I didn't mean to upset anyone or make them feel bad. Yes I have a job but it leaves me deeply unfilfilled, I honestly wasn't implying people who having worked or are in the same sector are failures, not at all. Its just trying to find what I would be content/happy with, for some that maybe a min wage job that certain sections look down on. I couldn't care less. As long as I got enjoyment I would work for peanuts, its only at 29 I've realised how important happiness really is!

While it doesn't have to be weight lifting at all I would encourage anyone to find some form of exercise/sport they could get into. Even just to go swimming a few lengths at your local pool. What I can say is that for me when I train, I can stick my headphones in for the next couple hours and be who I want. Its the 22 hours after that's the problem lol. But at least it does give me that little something to enjoy/have fun with.

[Suzi]

If you could change your job today, what would you want to change it to?

[Penguin]

If you could change your job today, what would you want to change it to?

Good question and something I've been very indecisive about. If we are talking absolute dream job then it would be to own and run my own gym, that makes me smile even imagining it. Realistically though my finances are way off that. Without getting into insults or whose at fault for what, I put a car on finance in my name for my partner. Her credit history was appalling and she would have been rejected so I signed and of course the agreement was that she would pay monthly for it. She didn't keep up with the repayments and I was blacklisted and cannot get a loan anywhere. God knows I've tried. I know I was very naive in doing this but I just was trying to help my partner. I have to be honest and say this is something I'm very bitter about to this day.

The other option was a sports psychology degree at the OU, it covers all the science of sport which I'm very interested in, nutrition and of course the mindset of competitive sportspeople. The problem here is that on average it takes around 6 years to complete, my motivation as said is shot and I'm just stuck in a very negative tunnel vision at the moment.

I know I only have myself to blame for this. My brother has tried to motivate me, my partner, just nothing is going in and its incredibly frustrating because I know it's down to me to help myself.

[Jaquaia]

I'm doing a psychology with counselling degree. Part time would be one module a year and around 15 hours work a week. I've found the psychology tutors to be excellent so far and really supportive. And spreading it out enables you to still work. It might be worth speaking to someone there about your worries?

[Penguin]

I'm doing a psychology with counselling degree. Part time would be one module a year and around 15 hours work a week. I've found the psychology tutors to be excellent so far and really supportive. And spreading it out enables you to still work. It might be worth speaking to someone there about your worries?

That's the point the OU looks a fantastic option it really does but it still leaves me with the problem of being in this job I can't stand anymore. I have no quals so all other jobs I've searched for are ones I've done and made me unhappy (warehouse, bar work etc) even worse is that many are agency/zero hour contracts. At least here, as much as I hate it, I am contracted and guaranteed a wage every fortnight. I know the real answer is to get myself properly educated but its having that get up and go to go and do it. I just feel really apathetic and down at the moment (well, for a while in truth) and I'm just finding it incredibly hard to break this cycle.

Not being able to drive sums it up perfectly. The obvious answer is well Ryan, book your lessons and get learning! I don't even have the motivation to do this.

[Suzi]

Have you looked into adult education? Often the classes are in the evening or on the weekend? Or what about the recovery college?

[Jaquaia]

So maybe the answer is to address how you're feeling first?

[Penguin]

So maybe the answer is to address how you're feeling first?

Yeah it could possibly be. There's just so much going on its very overwhelming. After what you've all said which I massively appreciate I know I have to try and stop these feelings of shame and self-loathing with myself first. Even if I got a job interview Im not exactly giving off the best impression lol. Will let you all know how I get on hopefully but if anything it has felt OK talking about it and I appreciate everyone's input

[Jaquaia]

Things can get better with the right help and support lovely, it's just a case of finding out what that is for you

[Suzi]

I'm so glad that talking has helped lovely... Keep talking.

[Penguin]

Well today has been horrendous. I apologise if anyone feels down by this but this is the only platform I feel comfortable to speak on.

Obviously mentally I'm not in a good place right now and while I'm not going to use this to sling mud or throw insults I really feel like I have almost no support from my partner at all. I can't tell my brother or mum everything as my mum is very ill at the moment and the stress would make her worse and I don't want to worry my brother either, he has a family of his own. My partner is the only one who knows everything. I totally accept I'm not the easiest person to live with at the moment and I don't expect anyone to pander to me, however I do expect support as I have and would support her.

When I first made this post yes I was having suicidal thoughts, I can't lie, I broke down that same day and of course my partner sat there and listened. Literally around 5-10 mins after, she was tapping away on her phone and went off to ferry a dog to another house (it wasn't work or anything, she was doing a favour). A similar thing happened today.

Am I right to feel unsupported? Honest opinions please if anyone would like to answer. I certainly know the world doesn't stop on my account and everyone has to get on with their lives but I can't help feeling this was a bit heartless 2bh. I don't know, maybe my mental state is making me have a skewed vision of things. I really feel right now it's best we split up and I live alone and try to help myself first but then of course I'm wondering am I just being too sensitive because of how things are at the moment?

Sorry for the negative rant to anyone who may read this I just really needed to get this off my chest.

[Jaquaia]

You never have to apologise for getting things off your chest. It's your thread and if people don't like what you write, they don't have to read it!

Can I ask how you would have liked her to respond?

[Penguin]

You never have to apologise for getting things off your chest. It's your thread and if people don't like what you write, they don't have to read it!

Can I ask how you would have liked her to respond?

Well the basic story is I broke down, admitted everything I hate about myself, that I know most of it is my fault and that makes me angry at myself even more. Admitted I had thought of ways of ending it but didn't have the 'bottle' so to speak. Then around 10 mins after this she said she was just going out to do this favour.

Honestly I felt she should have stayed, postponed the favour and just stayed and been there for me especially being in that state.

However as I said I do know I'm not really thinking 'right' at the moment and possibly I've been selfish. I admit I still think she should have stayed, even just as a shoulder to cry on to use the phrase, but I could well be wrong and others may think differently. I suppose I was just looking for others' take on it? Like from a neutral point of view as I know everyone can be selfish and blame others at times including me.

[Jaquaia]

I have to say I don't think it was selfish of you to expect support from the person you share your life with. Especially considering how distressed you were. It's really not surprising that you're upset with her at all (panda)

She may not have known how to respond but listening at least would have been something

[Suzi]

It's really hard to hear that your life partner is having suicidal thoughts. It's really hard to know what to say and what not to say. She may have just not known what to say or do....

I will be 100% honest with you and say that my now husband has said some really hurtful things to me when he was having a breakdown (like that he didn't know if he loved me or our children) and it hurt like hell. I also know that hearing it meant I knew everything and I then knew more about what I was dealing with - rather than being sure that he'd found someone else etc.... Sit down with her and tell her. Tell her everything in your head. Tell her the things which are going to help and those which are going to make it worse. Or get her to join here (we can move you to the men's only section and give her access to the female only section so you both have somewhere private to talk) as talking to others and being able to ask them the questions I needed answering was the biggest help to me....

[Tommy_85]

Well today has been horrendous. I apologise if anyone feels down by this but this is the only platform I feel comfortable to speak on.

Obviously mentally I'm not in a good place right now and while I'm not going to use this to sling mud or throw insults I really feel like I have almost no support from my partner at all. I can't tell my brother or mum everything as my mum is very ill at the moment and the stress would make her worse and I don't want to worry my brother either, he has a family of his own. My partner is the only one who knows everything. I totally accept I'm not the easiest person to live with at the moment and I don't expect anyone to pander to me, however I do expect support as I have and would support her.

When I first made this post yes I was having suicidal thoughts, I can't lie, I broke down that same day and of course my partner sat there and listened. Literally around 5-10 mins after, she was tapping away on her phone and went off to ferry a dog to another house (it wasn't work or anything, she was doing a favour). A similar thing happened today.

Am I right to feel unsupported? Honest opinions please if anyone would like to answer. I certainly know the world doesn't stop on my account and everyone has to get on with their lives but I can't help feeling this was a bit heartless 2bh. I don't know, maybe my mental state is making me have a skewed vision of things. I really feel right now it's best we split up and I live alone and try to help myself first but then of course I'm wondering am I just being too sensitive because of how things are at the moment?

Sorry for the negative rant to anyone who may read this I just really needed to get this off my chest.

I personally think it's very unsupportive and shows a lack of love and empathy after hearing something so serious from a partner, to just come across as uninterested and give other things priority. When I was in a relationship I had depression at the time and feel like my
partner didn't understand or give a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) basically. I don't think it's something I would ever forget,being so low you are contemplating suicide
and it takes a hell of a lot of inner strength to have a conversation like that. To give my honest opinion I feel as if you don't need a partner like that. A lot of time people stay in relationships because they are just stuck in a rut. Only you know if she is right for you but I think she is very cold and uncaring for not attempting to understand or offer love, support and help.

[Strugglingmum]

Could it be possible that what you told her scared the crap out of her and she was basically running away because she didn't know what else to do???
I'm not excusing her at all but it might not be that she doesn't care but that she is so scared of how you are feeling she doesn't know what else to do.
Mental illness scares the crap out of some people because they are scared of saying/doing the wrong thing or not handling things right. I'm sorry but it's true. Talk to her and tell her how it made you feel when she left. She may be petrified of what you are saying and maybe not great at talking about feelings emotions etc.

[Penguin]

Thanks everyone for the input.

That's exactly how I feel. I wasn't expecting answers as it is impossible to know what to say. In many ways its like on here, sometimes all you can do is offer support and hope it gets better. I told her everything that was on my mind and I wasn't expecting any answers as such and I know it would have been very difficult to listen to. Yet from my perspective, if she had told me she was feeling suicidal, I certainly wouldn't have left the house regardless of the reason!

Anyone who has read from the start will know I fully accept responsibility for my failures, I've buried my head in the sand and I have no problem admitting that I am at fault for that. However yes, I do firmly believe she was very cold hearted to say the least and yes right now I do feel Tommy is right, I don't need somebody like that. I'm not here to chuck insults as we all have our faults but I can honestly say I wouldn't leave her side if she told me something like that. Will be a big upheaval of course but I need to start looking at somewhere else to live as putting it bluntly that was a proper kick in the nuts.

I would much rather be alone and figure out in my own mind how to change the other issues I've brought up. Thanks again everyone it has helped a lot being able to talk like this.

[Penguin]

Could it be possible that what you told her scared the crap out of her and she was basically running away because she didn't know what else to do???
I'm not excusing her at all but it might not be that she doesn't care but that she is so scared of how you are feeling she doesn't know what else to do.
Mental illness scares the crap out of some people because they are scared of saying/doing the wrong thing or not handling things right. I'm sorry but it's true. Talk to her and tell her how it made you feel when she left. She may be petrified of what you are saying and maybe not great at talking about feelings emotions etc.

I have thought about this and that's why I brought it up here. I told her how it made me feel today and the answer was just 'I didn't realise, I came back as quick as I could.'

[Tommy_85]

I think in life you get a sense for people who genuinely care and worry about you and people who don't. I think a lot of people who haven't had depression don't understand it.
Everybody is not the same and people react to things differently. Some people are sensitive and empathetic people and others aren't. People who suffer with depression and other mental health issues need compassionate, supportive people around them. To confide in somebody your deepest worries and miseries and get next to nothing in return is just awful.

[Jaquaia]

You could show her the Time to Change website, and I agree with SM, tell her how it made you feel when she left. What I do know is I had no support from my ex, in fact he frequently told me it was a fake illness, and it was horrible. My partner has had nothing but abuse and being accused of playing on it, and actually having his depression used as a threat to take the children full-time by his soon-to-be ex-wife and it almost destroyed him. If a relationship is making you feel that way then is it worth staying? I think you need to have a serious heart-to-heart about how you're feeling about your relationship and how much her reaction hurt you

[Suzi]

I think that pushing her away right now when you are low isn't being fair to you or her. Telling her something like that is terrifying to hear. There isn't anything that can prepare you for that and you've said that when you explained it to her she apologised and said she came back as soon as she could. That isn't her saying she doesn't care - it's her saying that she didn't understand what you needed or wanted at that time....

[Penguin]

So very quick update guys as still very raw at moment. It ended last night. I told her how I felt about her actions (again), this time she showed her true character and a lot of insults started. Their was verbal abuse from both sides, I won't play all innocent but the ensuing argument deemed it over. Very awkward right now as we both have to live under same roof (that 90% I pay for, my crap job pays most of the bills) until I find somewhere else to live. Horrible situation at the moment but I realise being single is what's needed and this former relationship was toxic and has definitely contributed to my ill mental health.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry....

[Tommy_85]

So very quick update guys as still very raw at moment. It ended last night. I told her how I felt about her actions (again), this time she showed her true character and a lot of insults started. Their was verbal abuse from both sides, I won't play all innocent but the ensuing argument deemed it over. Very awkward right now as we both have to live under same roof (that 90% I pay for, my crap job pays most of the bills) until I find somewhere else to live. Horrible situation at the moment but I realise being single is what's needed and this former relationship was toxic and has definitely contributed to my ill mental health.

I would say sorry to hear that but to be quite honest from what you've said on here about her attitude I think it's for the best.
You need empathy, love and support not insults and a cold hearted, uncaring attitude from her. You know in your heart whether she is the partner you need in your life and it doesn't sound like that at all. You need to move on from her and give yourself time to heal and work on yourself. Obviously I don't know the full extent of the relationship, the ups and downs but you are at an incredibly low point from what you've said and she doesn't seem in any way to be helping your situation. Best wishes

[Suzi]

I would say sorry to hear that but to be quite honest from what you've said on here about her attitude I think it's for the best.
You need empathy, love and support not insults and a cold hearted, uncaring attitude from her. You know in your heart whether she is the partner you need in your life and it doesn't sound like that at all. You need to move on from her and give yourself time to heal and work on yourself. Obviously I don't know the full extent of the relationship, the ups and downs but you are at an incredibly low point from what you've said and she doesn't seem in any way to be helping your situation. Best wishes

That's quite harsh considering you don't know her, her background and experience(s) or anything apart from that she went out when he told her he was struggling....

I'd hate to think about what you'd have said about me when my husband was first diagnosed or then had his breakdowns...

[Penguin]

With respect it is this 'she went out when I was struggling', like its some trivial thing. I've now realised it wasn't. While I'm not suggesting for one moment she doesn't give a toss, I am saying she prioritised a favour for a friend over her own partner's mental health. That is a fact.

I'm no Patron Saint but I can hand on heart say I wouldn't have done a favour for a mate while my fiancee was sat on the sofa crying. They would have been told it would have to be another time. That's the difference between me and her. And while I despise myself for many things I will go out on a limb here and say actually yes, I deserve better.

What happened last night? I was still very hurt by what she had done. I finish work at 11p.m, get home for between 11.30-midnight. I wanted just to go to bed and be left alone exactly because I was angry/upset. To try and let things settle and sleep on it. She continued to press me into talking so again, I told her how I felt. This time she got very agitated and defensive, brought up ancient arguments we have had etc and I was like huh? You asked me what is wrong with me right now, I tell you and because she didn't like the answer she attempted to bring totally unrelated things into it that had no relevance to my mental state now. I can honestly say on this particular incident the only thing I regret is actually engaging in an argument with her. Other than that, nothing.

If I could flip a switch to stop me feeling so low I think I speak for everyone that we would give an arm for it, unfortunately I can't. I've said a million times I don't expect a pity parade, it is for me to try to navigate and turn things around, though I do expect support from my Fiancee. Well of course now ex.

[Suzi]

Fair enough... Only you know how things have been...

[Nick310771]

Hi Penguin - I found myself in a similar situation and was too scared to speak to my GP - so I wrote a letter saying all the things you are expressing - they called me and got me to go in and the GP I saw had a personal imnterest in mental health and he told me something that may apply to you - to read a book called 'Depression - Curse of the Strong' - it was an eye opener - depression can come about from being strong and being there for everyone else before yourself ..we dont do it consciously but sub consciously and eventually my 'fuse blew' but it took me far too long to seek help - the GP is a great place to start.
Your dedication to the gym i a massive positive as is the fact you have held down a job for so long and not quit...you care for your dogs and partner - all positives - you, I think, just need a little help taking care of YOU, for a change. The hardest step is the first one but the most important one - asking for help takes immense strength not weakness - you seem to be someone that would really benefit from that first step - telling us on here is massive and pat yourself on the back for doing that ,..talking to your GP about your feelings - you wont be the first or last and they want people like you to go in and help yourself becuse once you start your journey of recovery you can add so much to the next person on here that thinks the same way as you do now and we all did at some stage...getting it out to people that listen, hear and understand is extremely cathartic...go for it and report back - think of it as bench pressing that extra 10kilos...!!

[Penguin]

Hi Penguin - I found myself in a similar situation and was too scared to speak to my GP - so I wrote a letter saying all the things you are expressing - they called me and got me to go in and the GP I saw had a personal imnterest in mental health and he told me something that may apply to you - to read a book called 'Depression - Curse of the Strong' - it was an eye opener - depression can come about from being strong and being there for everyone else before yourself ..we dont do it consciously but sub consciously and eventually my 'fuse blew' but it took me far too long to seek help - the GP is a great place to start.
Your dedication to the gym i a massive positive as is the fact you have held down a job for so long and not quit...you care for your dogs and partner - all positives - you, I think, just need a little help taking care of YOU, for a change. The hardest step is the first one but the most important one - asking for help takes immense strength not weakness - you seem to be someone that would really benefit from that first step - telling us on here is massive and pat yourself on the back for doing that ,..talking to your GP about your feelings - you wont be the first or last and they want people like you to go in and help yourself becuse once you start your journey of recovery you can add so much to the next person on here that thinks the same way as you do now and we all did at some stage...getting it out to people that listen, hear and understand is extremely cathartic...go for it and report back - think of it as bench pressing that extra 10kilos...!!

Thanks a lot for that reply. Means a lot. I'll deff look into that book I've never heard of that before.

[Suzi]

How are you doing Penguin?

[Penguin]

How are you doing Penguin?

Just plodding along at the moment. There are things I want to do its just having the motivation and finances to get there. Ive decided in terms of the job, I'm mot going to bounce from one warehouse to another (they're all horrendous of anyone reading has ever worked in any).

If I'm going to spend time and investment to change my life around then its going to be something on what I want and want to enjoy. Thank you for asking.

As a side note, does anyone know how to upload a profile pic? I joined this anonymously as I didn't feel comfortable talking too openly but it feels a bit ridiculous having people address me as Penguin lol. I don't feel as embarrassed anymore and its thanks to everyone who's replied here.

[Jaquaia]

That sounds like a good plan

http://www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk/showthread.php?16597-Profile-picture

If you scroll down to Mike's reply on that it tells you step by step :)

[Suzi]

We don't have to call you Penguin, we can call you whatever you like lol
What kind of thing are you looking for job wise?

[Penguin]

We don't have to call you Penguin, we can call you whatever you like lol
What kind of thing are you looking for job wise?

Just the first thing that popped into my head as since I was a kid I have always had a fascination with them, went to a Penguin sanctuary last year where you could feed them, pet them etc. was brilliant.

Certainly something to do with fitness/exercise/nutrition. The NHS run a department on obesity and diabetes which I already have a good foundation of knowledge on, the other would be the OU course about the psychological aspects of training. Its a degree that studies the biology, psychology and scientific aspects in relation to sports athletes.

So in essence I do actually know what I want to do its just a case of getting out of the situation I'm in at the moment as its just misery every day. I know degrees and education take time I don't expect anything to land in my lap but I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with the here and the now, that's the biggest problem at the moment.

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure if you're aware but you don't need prior education to study with the OU and you would be able to get a part-time tuition fee loan if you haven't studied at degree level before or if you have but your second degree is in a certain science-based subject. I'm not sure when you were contemplating studying but registration for October courses ends tomorrow.

[Penguin]

I'm not sure if you're aware but you don't need prior education to study with the OU and you would be able to get a part-time tuition fee loan if you haven't studied at degree level before or if you have but your second degree is in a certain science-based subject. I'm not sure when you were contemplating studying but registration for October courses ends tomorrow.

Yeah I did check that all out, no entry level requirements which was a nice surprise and I know you can fit it around your lifestyle/schedule which is great.

It just came back to the same old 'thinking' rather than just 'doing', entirely my own fault I've been nervous/scared of change my entire life. Its that thing of knowing you want to change, knowing what you have to do but lacking the motivation to get things rolling as you've been stuck in the same place for so long its become the norm.

[Jaquaia]

I know exactly what you mean. I almost didn't apply for my course as I was terrified and full of what ifs... it took a lot of encouragement from my partner and the people here to actually go through with it.

I've found the great thing with level 1 is there is loads of help available and it gets you used to studying at university level. Plus, your grades don't count towards your final degree classification.

[Suzi]

I'd love to do my MA but can't work out what in! :)

[Jaquaia]

I've got an MA and an MSc lined up. Need to decide what I want to do!