View Full Version : Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*
Strugglingmum
27-07-19, 11:39 PM
Hi all. Just saying hello.
Sorry for the silence but I was in hospital again. I'm home and doing ok, not great but ok.
My head is in a slightly better place. I'm taking it moment by moment and I'm getting through. I have realised that its ok to be struggling and take it slowly again for a while. I am glad to still be here with you all and my family and that is a huge step forward.
Thank you Suzi for asking if I was ok..... I will be again.
I will not be around as much as due to some issues I was having I am not doing social media for a while and therefore won't be online too much.
I also don't have a lot more to say/give at the moment but I will try and keep up with what's happening with you all..... it's not that I don't care but I'm 'tired'(bear)
(New thread as last one was a bit long)
Jaquaia
27-07-19, 11:55 PM
(panda)
(bear)Sorry you have been unwell and in hospital. I look forward to hearing from you soon xx
OldMike
28-07-19, 10:18 AM
(bear) (panda)
Thank you for letting us know, lovely, and I’m so glad you’re home and doing a bit better (panda)
Oh sweetheart I'm sorry you've been back in hospital. Are you getting lots of support? It's more than OK to take baby steps right now. I'm glad you're glad to still be here - that's a huge positive...
You don't have to say much at all, but could you just let us know you're OK? You also never have to "give"... As one of our previous mods and all round amazing people said "Sometimes you're the horse and sometimes you're the cart" and then Emmie added "and sometimes you're lying flat out on the back of that cart"
Strugglingmum
28-07-19, 12:34 PM
Thank you all.
Today my focus is eating right, drinking enough and sleeping. I got almost 7 hrs last night courtesy of a little tablet but still exhausted. Doing little bits of house work in between to catch up a bit but not being silly about it. X
Sounds like your focus is right... How is A? The kids?
How are you doing, lovely?
Strugglingmum
29-07-19, 04:49 PM
Hey Paula. I'm ok thanks. Feel like I'm wading through treacle today I'm so tired but I got ready and went to a knit and natter group this afternoon. I have psychology tomorrow but to be honest I'm considering stopping it at present and try to focus on the future rather than the past and see if I can put the past away behind me. I'll talk it over any way. Other than that I'm just doing what needs doing. Trying to get as much sleep as possible to beat the tiredness but otherwise I'm just being boring...... but boring is ok. :)
P.S.. found the drawback in starting a new thread..... I couldn't remember what I had called it and didn't recognise it when scrolling. Such a clutz!!!
Maybe dealing with the past will help with the present and the future?
Strugglingmum
29-07-19, 08:08 PM
Maybe dealing with the past will help with the present and the future?
Maybe. I just feel that there is only so much talking about it that I can do and maybe its time to stop talking and pack it away for a while. My only concern is that if I discharge myself and later need psychology again, the waiting list is huge and i would probably get a different therapist. Anyway I'll not make a decision without talking to my team about it. I'm not going to do anything rash.
That's all anyone can ask of you lovely xxx
Strugglingmum
30-07-19, 12:15 PM
I cannot believe how much sleep i am needing at the moment!!
I do feel bad as I slept through my alarm this morning and missed my psychology appointment. I never miss appointments. I only hope she forgives me. I hate wasting nhs time. not a good start to the day.
However I am going to listen to my body and rest a lot. I have a couple of wee jobs to do but other than that I'm in rest mode. I am choosing to be kind to me and rest as much as I need to. June and July have been especially busy and tough. Now I rest. And if it takes my body months of rest then I am going to take it as I don't want to push too much and make myself worse. Self-care is definitely my priority now. I've been shocked into it and am listening to my body.
Jaquaia
30-07-19, 12:23 PM
Well done lovely. I'm sure your psychologist will understand
Good for you! I'm also sure your psychologist will understand. Just call them to explain - or ask A to do it for you....
You obviously needed the sleep and I’m so glad you’re listening to your body
Strugglingmum
01-08-19, 07:13 PM
Hi all. Just checking in. Hope you are all well and doing ok. (bear)
Hi Hunni, how are you doing?
Strugglingmum
01-08-19, 09:33 PM
Hi Hunni, how are you doing?
Im ok. I know thats an awfully frustrating thing to say but its accurate. I'm just nothing. Not happy , not sad, not angry, not anything. Just ok. My tiredness is a bit easier.
Baby steps, hunni. Not being so tired is going in the right direction (bear)
Sweetheart it's as Paula says - baby steps. You're doing great... Are you talking to A?
Strugglingmum
02-08-19, 12:33 PM
Sweetheart it's as Paula says - baby steps. You're doing great... Are you talking to A?
Thanks for the encouragement. got my hair cut and coloured yesterday so although exhausting, it does make it a bit easier to look in the mirror. A and i are like ships that pass in the night at the moment but we are ok. X
Having my hair done is always a bit of self care for me :)
Can you and A put some time aside this weekend to spend together? Maybe a movie night?
Can you make some time to be together? I know that it's been a while since Marc and I have had any "us" time. We've resorted to blitzing our bedroom to get time alone lol!
I'm glad you've had your hair done. These things are important.
Strugglingmum
02-08-19, 08:34 PM
We made dinner together tonight ao had a catch up. I have also posted stuff on my facebook crochet page. I havent done that in months so thats a positive. X
That’s a massive couple of positives :)
That's brilliant! You're doing all the right things - are you talking?
Allalone
02-08-19, 10:49 PM
Sorry to hear that you’ve been in hospital.
Sounds like today has been a positive one. Thinking of you hun.xx
Strugglingmum
02-08-19, 10:58 PM
That's brilliant! You're doing all the right things - are you talking?
Yes Suzi we are talking. He is ok. This admission was a choice one....to try and get my meds sorted, so it didn't cause any upset like the emergency one a couple of weeks ago.
How are you feeling today, lovely?
(panda)(panda) How are you lovely?
Strugglingmum
03-08-19, 11:22 AM
It's a wading through treacle kind of day. My sleep last night felt like a sedated sleep rather than a restful one. However at least i slept, although did have a few nightmares. A and eldest son going to play golf. Daughter is out all day with church youth group so just me and middle child today and he hides in his room a lot so just going to veg. Have a load in the machine and the dishwasher on. Maybe another bit of ironing later but just taking it easy. If i can manage a walk later that would be good.
Going to do some crochet. I may do a car boot sale next week to get rid of some stuff so thinking may take some bootees with me to try and spread some interest.
Could you guys watch a movie together or something?
Sorry your sleeping was rubbish, I sympathise totally - maybe a nap might be in order?
Sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need today
Strugglingmum
03-08-19, 11:02 PM
Lots of crochet today and bathed the dog.
Watched a movie on Netflix tonight with A. well i was crocheting while it was on(think)
I often crochet through watching things lol!
What's on today's agenda? How are you feeling?
Strugglingmum
04-08-19, 04:46 PM
We slept in this morning and didn't make it to church but we took the dog a long walk on the beach instead. We go to one where you meet very few people so Katie can just run and run and run. We had a good chat. I finally got another crochet order so I've started on that. We are heading to church this evening. Mood is ok today and I'm looking forward to church (and it means I had to shower which always makes me feel better but I find incredibly hard to initiate due to PTSD triggers)
I'm clean, pretty dress on and about to eat dinner of mince and tatties. Pretty pleasing afternoon all round(happy)
That post made me smile :)
Strugglingmum
07-08-19, 05:03 PM
I've been worrying terribly that my psychologist was really peeved at me for missing my appt last week. She had phoned and I didn't answer because I just couldn't. I had phoned her back and left a message for her that I was returning her call etc. She hadn't got back to me and i thought that I had completely blown it.
She has just phoned and said she was off and that was why she was only phoning me back now. I have an appt for next week so that is one worry off my mind a bit.
Now I just have to face my CPN on Friday. The closer it gets the more anxious I am about it.
Oh love you must have been so worried! So glad that it's sorted.
Why are you worried about your CPN appointment?
Strugglingmum
07-08-19, 10:48 PM
I stopped my ADs as I felt they were making me worse. I had given them 3 months and was in a darker place on them than not. I feel a telling off is coming but I definitely feel a bit better since I stopped them.
When did you stop them? Can I ask why you didn't see your Dr about stopping them?
Strugglingmum
08-08-19, 11:01 AM
I have no appt scheduled with my psychiatrist yet to have discussed it with him. My GP is great but would tell me to do nothing without seeing psychiatry as they are in charge of my care.By the time that happened I quite honestly wouldn't have been here.
I've been off them 2 weeks and although flashbacks are more numerous, my overall mood is slightly better.
Strugglingmum
08-08-19, 02:32 PM
This morning someone asked me to do a demonstration class that didn't suit me to do.
I said no!
I didn't feel a twinge of guilt or try to reorganised my life and my family's lives to try and make it suit.
I simply said, sorry that doesn't suit me, I can't.
A weird thing to be pleased about but it's a biggie for me.
Jaquaia
08-08-19, 02:36 PM
Well done!
That's amazing! I'm so proud of you!
Allalone
09-08-19, 06:13 PM
That’s great!
Strugglingmum
14-08-19, 10:45 PM
Just a shout out to everyone who is getting or have kids or family members waiting for results tomorrow. My 2 teens are getting results. I'm doing the whole "results don't define who you are" speech etc but inside my nerves are absolutely shattered. One is at home sipping tea and considering bed, the other is at a house party!!! :x
The difference in how we cope.
See you call on the other side. Good luck getting some sleep and hopes being met tomorrow.
Jaquaia
14-08-19, 10:48 PM
Fingers crossed!!!
I've done the same speech! Good luck to yours!! See you on the other side!
magie06
14-08-19, 10:53 PM
An exam is just one result on a particular day. Good luck to all the parents waiting on results tomorrow. Our exam results came out yesterday (Tuesday) and I really pity the families going through the waiting.
Strugglingmum
16-08-19, 07:40 PM
My sleep has gone to pot. Gave in and had a nap today.
Took younger 2 out this afternoon to do some jobs. Home and nap. I think I'm starting to realise that I'm really not that well at the moment. 2 consultant appointments on Monday. I'm desperately hoping that they don't say admission but realise that I've not been showing them that I'm coping very well at home. Oh well. I guess its down to me to start turning things around.
Jaquaia
16-08-19, 08:05 PM
Maybe admission would give you a chance to focus on yourself and try and get yourself on an even keel?
Strugglingmum
16-08-19, 08:37 PM
Maybe but my family don't cope when I am in hospital and that just makes me feel guilty
What are the two consultants appointments?
In what way don't they cope? Maybe it should be about what helps YOU?
Strugglingmum
16-08-19, 11:36 PM
I've an appointment with my psychology consultant and one with my psychiatrist .
OK, so that's going to be a long day. Is someone going with you? What self care things are you putting in place?
Maybe but my family don't cope when I am in hospital and that just makes me feel guilty
You’ve all got to think long term, lovely. My family are going to find things tough when I’m away for the month but we all know that it’s going to benefit us all long term. The same goes for you and yours, hun
OK, so that's going to be a long day. Is someone going with you? What self care things are you putting in place?
Have you thought about asking A to go with you? Partly because having that moral support is always good, but then also so he knows how things really are - and can help if you don't mention everything?
OldMike
17-08-19, 10:26 AM
(bear) (panda)
Strugglingmum
17-08-19, 01:29 PM
I've always done appointments on my own because I can be more honest if A isn't there as I don't want to freak him out with where my head is at. Also I need him to take another day off later this week to help sort my daughter's future plans for September as I have to have my son at the hospital at the same time so he can't take another day off. I will be honest with them, I'm just anxious as to the outcome. The kids futures are so uncertain at the moment that I just can't fall apart right now. I need to keep it together for another while. If they were settled into their courses/jobs etc I feel like I could focus on me a bit but waiting for interviews etc and them looking to me to help coach them thru I just feel under so much pressure to be sharp and focussed and able to think...... i feel like I am none of these things. I wish I was strong and energetic with enthusiasm for life but I'm weak and tired and finding life all too much tbh
Sweetheart you aren't falling apart. You are poorly. You are far stronger than you think you are. You are so far from weak!
I wish you could be kinder to you right now..
Sweetheart, there’s always going to be something that stops you getting the help you need. You’re a mum, and a great one, so you're always going to put your kids first but it’s just as important that you get yourself fit and well so that your family can continue to function, together
Annoyingly, as always, Paula is right. She speaks sense and she understands as she's going in for 4 weeks for her pain course... At the end of the day hunni, I hate to be blunt, but if you are so low you are having such dark thoughts then surely it's best you get the help and get stable rather than not and ending up hurting yourself - or worse? I promise you they'd all rather you went and got the help now.
Strugglingmum
17-08-19, 09:43 PM
Thank you both. I hear what you're saying.
Tonight I put the mask on and we took the 2 younger ones out for a meal to celebrate their results. You are both right it's getting harder to fool them all anyway. I really struggled to join in tonight with the chat etc. I guess we'll see what happens on Monday.
How are you today lovely lady?
Strugglingmum
18-08-19, 10:32 PM
Today has been very flat but A and i have talked more and i have agreed to take whatever help I'm offered and do whatever they say. I'm kind of annoyed that I gave in but I guess its for the best, I don't even know what that means. My head is totally spinning.
It’s not giving in, lovely, it’s proactively taking all the support you’re offered and that you deserve
Today has been very flat but A and i have talked more and i have agreed to take whatever help I'm offered and do whatever they say. I'm kind of annoyed that I gave in but I guess its for the best, I don't even know what that means. My head is totally spinning.
How is this "giving in?"
I think you're incredibly strong and incredibly brave to be talking things through with A and to be planning to do what is best FOR YOU right now. You are amazing. I'm so proud of you. I think you need this help, so take it. The world is a much better place with you in it lovely.
Listen to the Boss Lady SM...she knows what she's talking about. Look after you and take help whenever it presents itself.(panda)
How are you lovely? What happened at the appointments?
Strugglingmum
19-08-19, 06:58 PM
This morning I saw my psychologist. We talked about things. She gave me some paperwork to give to my psychiatrist. I saw him later in the day. He has changed my meds and will see me again in 3-4 weeks. I will see my psychologist again in 10 days.
1 of my new meds is supposed to help my sleep. If it doesnt improve in a few days I have to contact my GP who has written instructions as to what to try.
So that's it. Day done.
Well done lovely. What meds are you changing from and to? How do you feel about it all?
You’ve got through and there’s a plan. A good day
Strugglingmum
19-08-19, 09:49 PM
I am back on Sertraline as it did help with my flasbacks and nightmares. They have added in Mirtazapine as it helps with sleep and hopefully will kick my mood up.
I'm staying on my quetiapine as well. Im a bit concerned as he said i could get a lot of weight gain with the mirtazipine. I know it a a silly think to be worried about but I guess I'm silly. I won't get the tablets until tomorrow as I had to take the letter from the hospital to my GP surgery and the prescription wont be ready until tomorrow.
I'm not sure how I feel. I do feel quite lost tbh.
You aren't silly... Most of my meds have "weight gain" as a side effect. I'm the size of a blue whale, I don't need more weight gain - but I do need to be able to move, to have my sleep controlled more and to have my funky migraine things controlled better. I am working on the weight loss, and I always will be.... Sometimes the weight gain is the lesser of 2 evils - I know it is for me....
Strugglingmum
19-08-19, 10:24 PM
I'm sorry. I know there are worse things in life and i should be grateful for the help. It just feels like something else to worry about. My head just seems to be in a negative place and I'm finding it hard to see the positives. I really am becoming more and more self absorbed.
Jaquaia
19-08-19, 10:25 PM
You are NOT the size of a blue whale!!!!^)
SM, I found mirtazapine was brilliant for helping me sleep. I didn't really have any weight gain from it, so it's not guaranteed that will happen. There are ways to tackle that though once you're stable
Dear SM. I have been taking mirtazapine for a very long time. Initially I suffered weight gain but gradually I lost it. I found that the sleepiness which occurs when you first start taking the drug more difficult to cope with. Mirtazapine can take up to six weeks to start working. I have found it to be the best anti depressant for me as once you start taking it it has fewer side effects than some of the others. I take it to augment the lithium that I am also taking.
I hope you begin to feel better soon.
I'm sorry. I know there are worse things in life and i should be grateful for the help. It just feels like something else to worry about. My head just seems to be in a negative place and I'm finding it hard to see the positives. I really am becoming more and more self absorbed.
Nothing to be sorry about. You aren't self absorbed at all! These are things that are concerning you and so the best thing is to talk and talk and talk.
Mirtazipine can increase your appetite (hence the weight gain) but that’s something you can control and do something about. Its not inevitable that you’ll put on weight. It’s completely normal, though, to worry about weight gain from meds - most of us do - so really, really not self absorbed. Ftr, mirtazapine really helped me while I was on it
Suzi, no blue whale references please!
Strugglingmum
20-08-19, 08:12 PM
Have had a poor day but I asked for help.
I also napped this afternoon. Really struggling with my appetite at the moment.
I'm actually really scared to start new medication, I don't even know why.
I'm dreading bedtime and having to take a new medication. What is wrong with me... I feel like such a wuss at the moment. Sorry I'm turning into a whinge but at home I'm trying to keep the mask up and maintain an even keel. I know you guys don't recommend it but it helps me cope. I'm so thankful for an outlet here.
Jaquaia
20-08-19, 08:22 PM
Not a wuss at all. New medication can be scary.
Have had a poor day but I asked for help.
Sorry you've had a bad day, but I am so glad you asked for help! Who did you ask and did you get that help?
I also napped this afternoon.
I'm so glad you listened to your body and rested when you needed it.
Really struggling with my appetite at the moment.
As in too much or not enough?
I'm actually really scared to start new medication, I don't even know why.
I'm dreading bedtime and having to take a new medication.
I think that anyone who has ever taken a new medication can totally relate to this fear - almost feels worst at nighttime too.... But you have to stay
What is wrong with me... I feel like such a wuss at the moment. Sorry I'm turning into a whinge but at home I'm trying to keep the mask up and maintain an even keel. I know you guys don't recommend it but it helps me cope. I'm so thankful for an outlet here.
There is nothing "wrong" with you - you are poorly. You aren't a wuss or a whinge at all.
Have you spoken to A honestly about how you are feeling?
Strugglingmum
20-08-19, 09:01 PM
A knows. I got help at the day centre from one of the tutors. It just helped to settle my brain a bit and ease the thoughts. I also called in at our church prayer clinic and spoke to the team there.
I'm not eating well recently. I feel hungry but as soon as I start to eat I feel nauseated and full very quickly. Honestly finishing a small round of toast can be an achievement.
Of course that might all resolve with the Mirtazipine!!!
I'm going to take an early night and take my meds and get it over with. I think its just not knowing how it will affect me.
Quetiapine at bedtime is to slow my brain down to help with sleep. I'm worried the 2 together will be too much and I'll sleep in. Even though I haven't been sleeping well I now have a worry of oversleeping. Honestly I know I sound mad as a box of frogs but my brain is in overdrive.
One step at a time. One night at a time. Even if you do sleep in tomorrow, that doesn’t mean you’re going to indefinitely - our bodies adjust to the meds. And everything will be ok even if you do have a later morning
What's the worry about sleeping in? How did you get on? Did you sleep?
Strugglingmum
22-08-19, 05:49 PM
Hi all. I've had a dopey couple of days. Big sleeps in the afternoons!!!
I am sticking to the new meds.
Today we got my daughter enrolled in the carpentry / joinery course she likes so that's her sorted out. Not much else for this zombie to report!
Don’t worry about the sleepiness it does get better xx
Well done for sticking with them.
Hooray for getting your daughter enroled! Carpentry is how my Dad started out- but he was 15 lol. My little brother is a carpenter too! :)
How's your mood doing?
Strugglingmum
22-08-19, 07:38 PM
My husband is a carpenter too. We have 2 boys but it's our daughter that has inherited his passion and I love it. The only girl on the course(giggle)
My mood is still very flat but sleepiness is the overwhelming thing at the moment. The Mirtazipine is definitely making me sleepy and the Sertraline is making me a bit nauseated after I take it but i know it did that the last time and it eased after a bit.
You must be so proud of her! Going for what she wants to do, not what society thinks she should do!
It will ease I'm sure - if it doesn't in about 2 weeks then go back and tell them....
You know I'm really proud of you don't you?
Strugglingmum
22-08-19, 09:49 PM
You must be so proud of her! Going for what she wants to do, not what society thinks she should do!
It will ease I'm sure - if it doesn't in about 2 weeks then go back and tell them....
You know I'm really proud of you don't you?
You made me tear up. No-one ever tells me they are proud of me. Xx
But you're going through such a hard time, but you are still fighting - why would I be anything BUT really proud of you?
Jaquaia
23-08-19, 09:02 AM
You're doing brilliantly!
But you're going through such a hard time, but you are still fighting - why would I be anything BUT really proud of you?
Exactly. You’re a fighter and keep pushing through
Strugglingmum
23-08-19, 10:36 AM
Sleeping but its a funny type of sleep, can't really describe the feeling. However, its got to be better than lying awake all night. Daughter has her CAMHS appointment today...... first in a couple of months. I'm thinking that they are going to be close to discharging her as she has been doing so well since she left school. I'm hoping they will keep her long enough to see her through the transfer to College. Other than that I'm going to try get some washing done. I'm struggling to be active at the moment as I feel a bit spacey and heavy but I know i need to move for my health too. Also need to wash my hair before I go out!
Can you ‘strongly suggest’ she should stay with CAMHS until she’s settled in college?
I'm having similar issues with camhs here and H... She was given 8 sessions through a provider. They started 2 weeks before term ended, have been over the holidays (apart from last week and next week) and then she has 1 when she has gone back to school. She's said she doesn't feel that they have got anywhere and are pretty much useless.
However the mentoring scheme she finds much more beneficial - but her mentor is currently on maternity leave, but she's meeting up with the head of the scheme next week to catch her up on everything.... That's what I'm hoping will continue.....
You are doing great lovely.... step by step.
Strugglingmum
23-08-19, 02:16 PM
Camhs went ok. She is fairly well at present but they recognise that the change in circumstances may trigger things off again. She has an appointment after 1 month of college but she can phone anytime before that if she needs help. She is happy and I am content that the contact is still there if she needs it.
I have 1 load of washing done, another in. It's sunny here so I am going to move my ass to the beach with the dog.
That's great that there is a line there for her if she needs it.
Hope you have a great time at the beach!
Strugglingmum
23-08-19, 05:34 PM
Had a lovely walk on the beach.
I don't know why nut over past hour I have got really angry for no reason. I'm snapping at people and I actually had the thought running through my head, .... I hate every single one of them, I don't care about any of them.
I don't feel tired, it's not totm or anything but I am so mad at everyone. I know I'm being unreasonable and a monster but it feels like something has just taken over. It's quite scary. I don't normally feel so angry.
With everything you are dealing with, I'm not surprised. Keep a note of it and show it to your Dr/CPN/Psych....
I have days like that, I think most of us do but don’t like to admit it....
Jaquaia
23-08-19, 08:32 PM
Yep. Exactly the same here
Strugglingmum
23-08-19, 09:33 PM
Thanks. It kind of scared me just how angry I got. It has eased but maybe that's because everyone is giving me a very wide berth!!!
Hey it's OK, it's not a straight line... Just keep a note of it love...
Jaquaia
23-08-19, 09:49 PM
I still have days where I can barely stand to talk to people and anything they say makes me snap and almost bite their head off. On those days I tend to stay out of the way and do something nice for me.
Strugglingmum
24-08-19, 10:40 AM
I've decided to keep a diary of how I'm feeling, any side effects, sleep etc from starting my new meds so that I can see how I'm progressing or how side effects etc are affecting me. I find each morning I'm really sluggish and headachey but at least I'm not lying awake each night for hours so I'm going to hold on to that.
It will probably take me all day to come up with a format to record everything. Anyone any suggestions? ..
Today I increase my Sertraline dose.
Mood diaries are brilliant.. You can buy them all ready to go from Amazon/ebay etc or you can make your own... I've done a quick google image search to give you some ideas... https://www.google.com/search?q=mood+diary&rlz=1CATTSD_enGB733GB733&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi3irm7xpvkAhXBsaQKHfmcApsQ_AUIEigC&biw=1366&bih=609
Strugglingmum
24-08-19, 08:33 PM
Thank you so much Suzi. I have looked at a lot of them and am trying to come up with something that includes everything i need on it but still easy to read at a glance and not a chore to complete. wip
Tomorrow I'll take pics of my journal I've created to focus on the things I want/need to focus on and you can see how I went about it, if you think it'll help?
Strugglingmum
26-08-19, 10:30 AM
Mirtazipine definitely seems to be helping with my sleep. (party)
I'm not as dopey in the morning either although I do get tired during the day.
I'm not very motivated at the moment and I've already put on 3lbs in a week. I need to exercise more but I feel so heavy and tired a lot of the time. It also means when I'm hungry I'm not bothering to cook healthy, I'm grabbing junk food.
So i need to try and get my act together!! Everything still feels like too much bothercand my mood hasn't lifted any but I do think the flashbacks are reducing again.
My aims for today...... go for a walk, eat a proper lunch and tea.
I'm so glad it's helping! Sorting out sleep is so important.
Try meal planning, it helps me... and then snack on less junk - although I'm queen of doing that too!
OldMike
26-08-19, 02:17 PM
SMum it's so easy when you're struggling to miss meals or eat junk food I know I do. It sounds good your not as sleepy and flashbacks have reduced. You're managing to sleep okay at night which is good.
Strugglingmum
26-08-19, 04:03 PM
SMum it's so easy when you're struggling to miss meals or eat junk food I know I do. It sounds good your not as sleepy and flashbacks have reduced. You're managing to sleep okay at night which is good.
Thanks Mike. So far I'm on track. 45mins walk on the beach with the dog and i have stuck to healthy salad for lunch. Not sure about dinner yet but I'm hungry yet I've been snacking on fruit etc. my appetit seems unsatiable. Definitely need to cook a proper meal or ill be hitting the junk food!!
Just be kind to you too. Don't try to push yourself to do everything all at once...
Strugglingmum
26-08-19, 06:50 PM
Cooked a chicken dinner and all was on track until I ate 2 slices of the banana bread I baked this afternoon!!!...... I'm calling bit 1 of my 5 a day(giggle)
On another note have been really stressed about next month as my father turns 90.
My sister contacted me over the weekend to say she is organising a family dinner for everyone. I actually felt ill with anxiety and fear.
However I have been pro active and booked A and I into a hotel for the weekend. Sorry we can't make the dinner.... we are away! I'm trying not to feel bad. I've told the kids its happening and they can go if they want but we will be away.
I'm so PROUD of you! Well done. I really, really, really couldn't be prouder of you for doing that!
magie06
26-08-19, 10:12 PM
That is such a brave and wonderful thing to do for yourself. Well done!
Strugglingmum
26-08-19, 10:13 PM
I'm so PROUD of you! Well done. I really, really, really couldn't be prouder of you for doing that!
Thanks. I'm kinda proud of me too. Plus I have arranged to meet friends for Sunday dinner who live near where we are going (my bestie and her hubby who I haven't spent time with in ages). So i guess we can't rush home on the Sunday to celebrate either.
I have so much hope that these new meds are going to help so I don't want anything to derail any progress. ...... and we know what happens when I have any contact.
Jaquaia
26-08-19, 11:14 PM
You are absolutely brilliant!
Strugglingmum
27-08-19, 08:07 AM
You are absolutely brilliant!
Well thank you Jaq. I wouldn't go that far but I am chuffed I came up with a plan so quickly.
Jaquaia
27-08-19, 08:22 AM
Well you are. Because in the past you would have gone, knowing it would have triggered you massively!
Allalone
27-08-19, 08:27 AM
Well done!
So proud of you for putting yourself first.
You are brilliant! It's self care of the highest degree, in fact I award you a DWD Chufty Badge!
Strugglingmum
27-08-19, 07:50 PM
You are brilliant! It's self care of the highest degree, in fact I award you a DWD Chufty Badge!
Honoured indeed.
I will return when I can fit my head through the door(rofl)
So you should be. I don't give these out lightly you know.... ;)
Hi SM....just saying hello! Oooh! Not a CHUFTY BADGE......that's almost like be awarded an Oscar!!(clap)xx
OldMike
31-08-19, 03:15 PM
A DWD Chufty badge is way better than any Oscar :)
Strugglingmum
31-08-19, 07:03 PM
Hey all. I've had a flat couple of days but feel things picking up a bit today..... I've managed to lift my crochet hook so that is a good sign.
Sleep is still a lot better and I'm seeing glimmers of light in the darkness.
Weather has been very mixed.
So i have started to put weight on with an enormous insatiable appetite since starting Mirtazipine. Since they are the first ADs that actually feel to be helping, in combination with the Sertraline, I am going to try and not let it put me off. I have been proactive and joined the leisure centre with Aqua membership, so I intend to swim a couple of times a week to try and combat the weight gain and get the feel good hormones going instead of wallowing in a pit of crisps and chocolate. Hopefully it will help. Also if I'm out of the house I'm less likely to snack so win win. Even if I can halt the weight gain I'll be happy, but if I manage to lose a few pounds even better.
Jaquaia
31-08-19, 07:16 PM
Sounds like a brilliant plan! Well done you!!!
So proud! Well done lovely!
Nick310771
09-09-19, 04:49 PM
Hey - I got myself a Lumie - really helps me when weather changes...worth a go...bound to be loads on ebay ..probably next to the foot spas!!
Just so you don't worry EJ, SM sent me a message saying she was taking a little time out. I'll pass on your love, unless you wanted to do it by sending her a pm?
Strugglingmum
11-09-19, 10:49 PM
Hey all. How I have missed you all. I've been trying to pull my head together a bit, but lets face it, I need you guys to help me do that. It's no fun on your own!!!
I am still trialling my new meds. My sleep had been good when I first started them but whether my body got used to them or.... anyway I was having trouble sleeping again. I'm waiting for an appointment with my psychiatrist so my GP has given me some sleeping tablets until then. He says that because i am on more than 1 Antidepressant that he would not do anything with the doses.
Other than that my form has been a bit up and down but I'm still here fighting it out. I had a bit of a incident at the training centre when 1 of the other clients went completely berserk at me over nothing at all. It really shook me a bit (I hate conflict and avoid it at all costs) and sent my thoughts spiralling a bit to a bad place BUT I talked it out and have been able to not head to my default bad coping strategies (or not coping strategies ).
I can't believe I missed Paula at the weekend...... that's what I get for playing hookey!!!!
It will take me a couple of days to catch up and say Hi and see how we all are.
I really missed you guys...... did I say that already??? (giggle)
Jaquaia
11-09-19, 10:59 PM
We missed you too!!!
Missed you so much!!!
I'm so proud of you for talking to your GP and for pulling it back from the other day! Those are both so huge!!! Next time, don't run away! We miss you too much for that!
Dear SM I did not want you to feel that you had to ‘give’ all the time on here. I know how hard it is to start anti ds and find the correct combination. I know what it feels like that nothing works. You will find the combination that works for you. Welcome back.
How are you doing lovely?
Strugglingmum
12-09-19, 02:46 PM
I'm tired today but that's ok, the beginning of the week is busy for me. I'm also getting used to getting my daughter out again every morning after the summer break. My son who just finished his A levels has a job interview on Monday. Ultimately he is going for a higher level apprenticeship in finance but the earliest he can get one is Spring so he needs a job meantime. He has an interview for KFC in the local town. I'm hopeful he will get it as he has some experience as a kitchen porter working in a restaurant while at school.
I need to get organised as hubby and i go away tomorrow for the weekend. It was our anniversary last week, 23 years, so lets celebrate. I have other reasons for wanting to be away but lets keep our eyes on the positive of celebration.
So i need to hit the ironing board and get some clothes organised. Actually I am feeling spoilt today. We ran out of heating oil months ago but hubby has managed some overtime so the oil lorry came this morning and pumped some lovely oil into our tank. We have heat!!!! And hot water!!!!!
Happy anniversary! I hope you guys have the best time and focus on the positives! Hooray for heat and hot water!
Hope your son gets the job, the apprenticeship sounds awesome. My big sister is a tax associate/accountant and her business is thriving!
Dear SM Happy belated Anniversary. My son is in finance via college and AAT level 4 working for a major finance company. Unfortunately they are relocating to Scotland and he does not want to go. He will be looking for a job next February. It’s just a suggestion but you could take some clothes un ironed and ask the hotel to iron them for you or iron one or two pieces in your room ?
Strugglingmum
12-09-19, 03:44 PM
Dear SM Happy belated Anniversary. My son is in finance via college and AAT level 4 working for a major finance company. Unfortunately they are relocating to Scotland and he does not want to go. He will be looking for a job next February. It’s just a suggestion but you could take some clothes un ironed and ask the hotel to iron them for you or iron one or two pieces in your room ?
Sorry about your son. That sucks!!!
Great idea about using the iron at the hotel...... I never thought of that.
Great idea about the hotel... Sorry about your son EJ.
Strugglingmum
15-09-19, 08:27 PM
Home after an amazingly wonderful weekend with my hubby. We relaxed, connected, walked, laughed, ate lots but most of all...... we left the real world behind us for a weekend. I felt happy. So happy I now want to cry when I realise how long it is since I felt happy like that, when I last relaxed so much that I was able to feel inner peace and joy. It makes me believe that recovery is possible, that some day I'll realise that choosing life isn't such a battle, that I'll realise that I'm naturally laughing without putting a mask on.
This weekend has truly been a gift of therapy from my husband.... and he doesn't even realise it. X
Jaquaia
15-09-19, 08:37 PM
That sounds brilliant and so positive
Then tell him!!!
I'm so pleased for you!!!
Strugglingmum
20-09-19, 11:44 PM
Been a bit of a strange week. Been really tired and maybe a bit of a low coming back from our weekend away. I've had a nap every day and slept for a couple of hours... mad.
Anyway tonight we went to a social night at church and i did my first beetle drive.
It was good fun. I even made some traybakes to take. Of course that means there is plenty left at home...... I sense a bad week for weight gain. I will be swimming everyday next week to try and work it off!!
Last weekend I bought myself a long long long longed for gift.
I thought, sod it, I'm going to treat myself. I've wanted them for ages.
I am now the proud owner of a pair of oxblood red Dr. Martin boots. I feel naughty and about 18 again every time I put them on my feet. They make me smile so well worth the fortune I paid for them. They are also good weapons if anyone annoys me(giggle). 1 tap from a DM on your shin and you'll know all about it.
magie06
21-09-19, 10:00 AM
Did you never here the expression - you are only as young as the man you feel!! Lol.
I've longed for a real pair of doc Martin's for almost all my life. I love the colour of the red ones too. Enjoy them.
P. S. I think you are awesome.
I LOVE DM's!
How long have you been on your meds? When are you due a meds review? My old primary school used to do beetle drives! I haven't been to one for many, many years - but I have our own set which I play with my kids! I love them! So much fun!
Strugglingmum
21-09-19, 10:13 AM
Started my new meds over 4 weeks ago. Probably still settling a bit. Awaiting a psych appointment for review.
Absolutely just getting into your system.... Hang on in there lovely. I think you're doing brilliantly!
Jaquaia
21-09-19, 10:48 AM
I have a pair of purple DM's! Love them!
You're doing brilliantly
OldMike
21-09-19, 11:55 AM
A beetle drive it's a long long time since I heard that term, my gran was alive then and it was an era of whist drives and beetle drives.
SMum your weekend away sounded utterly marvelous (party)
DMs??? I hope they’ve got sparkles ;)
Strugglingmum
22-09-19, 03:27 PM
DMs??? I hope they’ve got sparkles ;)
I leave the world of sparkles entirely to you princess...... I'm not one of the world's sparklers...... I'm more a..... well I'm not entirely sure(giggle)
Strugglingmum
25-09-19, 04:20 PM
Really pleased for my son. Had an interview today and they offered him the job on the spot. What a boost to his confidence!! He has to go tomorrow, sign his contract and get all paperwork done.
Everyone else came out saying that the employer would be in touch.
I'm really proud of him. It's for our local KFC and will be a great job while he goes through the selection processes and rounds for a higher level apprenticeship in finance.
A good day for him. X
Jaquaia
25-09-19, 04:25 PM
That brilliant! Congrats to him!!!
Ooh! you must be beaming with pride! Good for him!(clap)
Strugglingmum
27-09-19, 06:20 PM
Today would have been mum's birthday and Monday will be anniversary of her death. I miss her every day but especially today.
A bit of a tough weekend.trying to keep busy with different things but hard to settle my mind to them.
Jaquaia
27-09-19, 06:25 PM
(panda)
Oh hunni I'm so sorry (bear)(bear) Keep talking love. It does help...
Huge hugs, lovely lady (panda)
Allalone
28-09-19, 12:50 PM
(bear)(panda)
Strugglingmum
29-09-19, 08:30 AM
I got through mum's birthday and finished the day with a half glass of wine , stuffing myself with nibbles. (My eating has got out of control and i have a stone on since starting my new meds)
Yesterday I took my daughter shoe shopping for her formal. Paula you would love them, they are pale pink (nude) and glitter/sparkles!! I have kept really busy all day yesterday and plan to do the same today yet I'm finding it a bit hard to be bothered with normal stuff like cooking dinner (yet I'd bake a cake??) Don't get it but anyway, they are all old enough to fend for themselves! The thought of tomorrow fills me with dread. It's 5 years since we lost mum yet today I feel like a frightened lost little girl again. I know that sounds stupid when i have an amazing husband and kids but remembering losing mum is breaking my heart all over again. I wish I could find my strength again to be the 'tackle anything' woman I was before her death and my health falling apart. Sorry i know I'm whingeing and i don't mean to. I just feel a bit lost.
Jaquaia
29-09-19, 09:22 AM
We never really stop grieving for those we love, we just learn how to deal with it as well as we can. Take it minute by minute tomorrow if you need to and lean on A. He loves you and will want to support you.
Have you seen NCIS?
You need to be kind to yourself. Each year when it's the anniversary of my Dad's passing I remember and it hurts. It was 11 years ago this year and as always I sent a whatsapp message to my siblings "Thinking of you guys today. I know it's hard." and called my Mum as always, and yet not one of them had remembered... But I did. I remembered. It does get easier, but for me it'll always be there...
You’re not whingeing, love, you’re grieving.
Re the weight gain, is it worth getting low cal snacks in? If I d that helps keep the weight gain to a minimum, even if it doesn’t keep it completely down. Your priority has to be your mental health, and taking the meds, but I know it doesn’t help your mood when a few lbs go on.
Pink glitter? Beautiful!
Strugglingmum
29-09-19, 02:44 PM
Thank you all.
Oh yes Paula, I got the low cal snacks..... it's the amount of them I eat(giggle)
I also bake when I stress.... then I eat it.
Anyway, put my shoulders back today and going to try have a healthy eating day. One day at a time. Each choice by choice.
OldMike
29-09-19, 02:46 PM
I've lost both mum and dad and sufficient time has passed and I often smile at the antics they got up to when they were younger, I've recounted this many a time when mum and dad went out under the cover of darkness with a wheelbarrow to "borrow" some rocks from a small triangle of woodland near where we live, needless to say there are no rocks there anymore, I wonder why (giggle)
You are not whinging SM. I lost my Mum thirty one years ago and Dad in 2011. I can remember my Dad in the funny things he used to say. My Mum I remember through my music. It does take time and some things don’t heal although we do feel better about them eventually.
As you might know I am on mirtazapine and initially I put on weight. I have managed to lose it again. Try to eat healthily. I wouldn’t worry about the weight gain but if it is really bothering you see your GP.
Not once while reading your post it came across as whingy. The emotions and feelings you experience are real and this is something that most of us have or go through.
Thanks for sharing it with us and I hope you are ok (panda)
How are you doing lovely?
Strugglingmum
02-10-19, 06:28 PM
Hi all. Been a bit of a wobbly weekend etc but also busy, we were at a wedding yesterday so a long day and a busy day today. My own things plus delivering teenagers etc. Out again tonight but hoping for a less busy day tomorrow and a catch up. Anyway just wanted to let you know I'm still upright. Xx
What happened at the weekend to make it a wobbly one? Are you safe lovely?
Strugglingmum
03-10-19, 12:48 PM
Hi Suzi yes I'm ok.
I think just mums anniversary got to me a bit and guilt over avoiding fathers birthday party etc. Got me a bit low. Monday and Tuesday are a blur they were so busy and a wedding flung in, yesterday had a list of things to do. Today I got up, took my daughter to the bus, came home and went back to bed. I didn't go to my craft group as I am just plain knackered. Also had to tidy round the house a bit....it is disgusting. I can't Hoover because my son is sleeping (night shifts) but at least I can see a bit of the work benches and floor!! We are getting a vague bit of Lorenzo so very windy and stormy.
It's my daughter's formal tomorrow so another busy day for hairdressers, make up, photo shoot....and that's all before 4pm. she is wearing a sparkly sequin bodice and tulle skirt dress with killer sparkly heels.....she is going to freeze!!!
I still have to cut her dress to length, get flowers and make a wrist corsage for her to give to her friend. But I can't do any of that til later. I am going to swim this afternoon and just chill for a while before I pick her up from college.
Saw my CPN yesterday, she is not happy with how things are even with my new meds so is trying to get me a cancellation with my psychiatrist. He had said he would see me a few weeks into my new regime but its been 2 mths now and my appointment is the end of this month. Maybe get something soon.
Hope everyone is well.
Why is your CPN not happy with your meds?
Hope you get your appointment hunni x
Strugglingmum
03-10-19, 09:46 PM
Why is your CPN not happy with your meds?
She knows my mood is not really lifting and my sleep is only good with a sleeping tablet.
She knows that I build everything they tell me in to my day (exercise, hobbies,family time,relaxation,meditation etc etc etc) but the fact that I seriously consider and battle su about 75% of my time is not healthy. Yesterday she said she needed to talk both with my psychologist and my psychiatrist to see where we go from here.
Oh hunni, you haven't said that things are still that bad.... Why haven't you mentioned it?
I’m glad she’s going to speak to the psychologist and psychiatrist and am hoping they can come up with options
Strugglingmum
04-10-19, 06:29 PM
Oh hunni, you haven't said that things are still that bad.... Why haven't you mentioned it?
I guess I forget that people don't know what's going on in my head. It is so much a part of my daily life now and such a repetative battle that I just don't talk about that its still going on. I'm tired and fed up of fighting it continually and i guess that's why she wants to try and see if there is something different.
I'm glad she's working to try to find something that helps lovely...
Strugglingmum
05-10-19, 10:27 AM
One of those days you regret having made plans! You know you'll be fine once you get there but all the palava of getting ready and getting out the door and getting there is enough to make you hide in bed!! Wet and windy and a 2hr drive in front of me..... and I really would rather sleep lol.
My daughter had her formal last night. She was even more beautiful than usual..... I'm knackered from it all but she was Gorgeous!! It was lovely to see.
Aw did she have an amazing time?
Hope your drive isn't too awful hunni...
Well done for pushing yourself to get there hunni, be safe
Did your daughter have fun?
Hope your daughter had an amazing time
Please rest when you can hunni x
Strugglingmum
05-10-19, 11:58 PM
Finally home after being at a conference since 2pm. Hate driving in the rain but did 4 hrs of it today. More than ready for bed. See you all on the other side. X
Hope the conference was interesting - I always hated a boring conference!
How are you feeling today?
Strugglingmum
06-10-19, 04:56 PM
Slept well last night. Went to church this morning. Afternoon has been coffee, crochet and a sloppy movie on Sony.
Well done! That made me grin :)
Strugglingmum
07-10-19, 06:36 PM
Took my daughter for her surgery today. All went well and i got her home again to recover. I'm glad its done and although she is sore, she is ok.
I'm feeling a bit low however. I have a psychology appointment tomorrow. I guess I'll find out if my CPN has spoken to her.
Is she OK? Hope it was nothing serious and you are resting - it's exhausting being with someone in hospital.
Hope the appointment is OK tomorrow lovely...
Jaquaia
07-10-19, 09:17 PM
(panda)
You’ve had a tough day, love. Rest as much as you can (panda)
How are you today love? Am thinking of you for your psych appointment...
Strugglingmum
08-10-19, 10:30 PM
Hi. Been a day. My daughter woke up at 6am bleeding a bit. We were told to expecta bit but it still upset her a bit. All under control and she is ok. I was at the centre all day, then on to psych appoint did weekly shop before coming home. I unpacked shopping, made myself beans on toast and fell asleep. I feel shattered. My appointment went ok. I'm seeing her again next week. I'm just feeling very detached from it all but its maybe just tiredness. I'm hoping to sleep tonight as I'm so tired.
Did you sleep?
Is your daughter OK?
I'm glad you're seeing your psych again next week.
Strugglingmum
09-10-19, 11:06 PM
Yes I slept. My daughter went to college today but not feeling well tonight so not going tomorrow. Think she is coming down with a cold on top of everything.
I've had a bit of a low day but I fought through. I gave my stash to my tutor instead of giving in to what I wanted to do. I talked a lot through with him and I went for a swim too which helped clear my head a bit, enough to get me through til it was time to pick my kids up.
My son had his first day at his new job today so he was glad to be out of the house and busy.
I’m so proud of you both - they breed them tough in NI ;)
Your stash?
How are you doing today love?
Strugglingmum
10-10-19, 10:18 AM
I'm up. Spoke to my GP this morning. I've been waiting an appointment with my psychiatrist. My CPN told me to ask my GP for more sleeping tablets to help me sleep until I see my psych. During conversation with my GP he said he had a letter saying I missed an appointment with my psychiatrist on 16th September. I never got a letter for the appointment and my GP was really understanding but at least now I know why I've been waiting so long!! I know its silly but it upset me because I don't normally miss appointments. I know nhs time is precious.
Anyway, I'm going to my art/craft group this morning.we have an artist demonstrating splatter art.....or something!! What I really want to do is crawl back into bed and pull the duvet up but I'm dressed and have the bed made.
Yes Suzi, I know, I had a stash, but at least I gave them up. Right?
Sorry, I know i keep failing at this so badly.
Jaquaia
10-10-19, 11:16 AM
You're not failing, you're coping as best as you can and it is huge that you gave up your stash rather than use it. I am so proud of you!
Definately not failing sweetie xx
Hold on a minute..... Failing? At what? You are poorly. That has nothing to do with passing or failing or any other grading you many want to give it. You are doing the best you can. You are fighting every single day. That is NOT failing. That's fuc(ing awesome in my book. Having a stash is a c(ap idea, but you gave them up willingly. That is huge. Would you try and not have a stash again? Maybe get a lockable box, and only have out the meds for that one day and not buy more?
Do you have a "keep safe for the next 24 hours plan?"
Strugglingmum
10-10-19, 03:16 PM
I'm ok. I have no paracetamol and the best thing about living in the arsehole of nowhere is that there are no local shops.
Hooray for the arsehole of nowhere! :) (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
Now.... Do you want to talk about what's in your head?
Strugglingmum
10-10-19, 07:11 PM
Tbh Suzi there is nothing new to say, that's why I dont. It's just the same thoughts and beliefs that circle over and over. I know I'm supposed to challenge the thoughts but I believe them so deeply and can't seem to believe the opposite is true. I have nothing to fight them with as I agree with them. I don't even know if that makes any sense to anyone else but bit makes sense in my head.
Sweetie it makes perfect sense to me as it is something I do all the time and I think there are probably a few of us here that will understand x Right now I may not believe some of the things said to me but I accept that is how the people saying them see me. Does that make sense, I think you are amazing, you may not believe that but believe I think that of you xx
It doesn’t matter if you tell us the same thoughts and beliefs every single day. If that’s what it takes to help you keep SUCCEEDING at your 100% record of getting through every day, then we are more than happy to talk those thoughts through with you every single day
Strugglingmum
10-10-19, 10:03 PM
Thank you both.
I guess I believe that when people say anything positive its because they are just being nice and are very kind people or because its their job to ( psychologist etc) or because they don't really know me. If they knew the real me then they would not be so positive. Does that make sense?? I ts like when my husband says he loves me, in my head he loves me because he is a very kind man and he keeps his promises and he promised to love me no matter what not he loves me because there is something loveable about me. Likewise when someone tries to tell me something positive about me, I can't accept it or may be I can't believe that anything positive exists.
My psychologist always says that I can be kind to everyone else except me. Everyone else deserves a break, except me.
Lol, just putting this out there - and the others will back me up - I don't ever say things "just to be nice".... I say things as I see it. Always have and always will.
Tell me about the real you... I'd love to know what is different to what we see here - I know that for me, the person I am here is much more of the person who I really am. I'm far more open and honest about the things that are really in my head.
I don't care if you come here and say the same things every minute of every day if it helps. As far as I'm concerned you are very definitely a positive in my life. I love hearing your posts and what's going on in your life.
Jaquaia
10-10-19, 11:02 PM
Suzi isn't afraid to tell someone they're being a dick. Neither am I for that matter ;)
I'm similar to Suzi, the me on here is more the real me than others get to see. You come across as a lovely person and I don't think your mental state has been stable enough to allow you to fake that, you're bloody brilliant if you have! You don't need to believe it, but accept that we think that (panda)
Strugglingmum
11-10-19, 09:52 AM
All I see is someone who is selfish and unloving, takes people for granted, attention-seeking, unable to cope with life, willing to break my family's hearts and lives apart because I can't love them enough to want to stay with them. I resent the hold they have on my life and the fact they need me so much. There are people fighting in this world to beat any amount of conditions to stay alive and I want to throw it all away. I don't deserve to have people around me fighting for me when I just want to throw it back in their faces and give up. I am lazy and don't look after my family properly. I used to cook, bake clean and now it's all I can motivate myself to do to do the basics That's only scratching the surface. I can't see anything lovable in that.
And so today's battle has begun. I'm up, dressed, coffee and banana on board.
Taking the dog to the beach for a trek and get the Sun on my face.
Will go for a swim later as I need to go to town for some yarn.
I have some cooking apples so plan is a crumble.... if I can get the motivation going to peel the apples. hubby is playing golf today and my younger 2 are at home so getting out on my own will give me some space.
Hope everyone is ok and looking after yourselves.
Jaquaia
11-10-19, 10:18 AM
Ok. Stop and breathe. If you had a friend going through even half of what you are, would you say any of that to them? Would you tell any of us here that we are lazy, selfish, attention seeking or any of what you've just said about yourself?
Wow, you don't go easy on yourself do you? For the record I'm honest and open and I will say what I think... I don't recognise that person you've described at all. I don't see you as selfish - you post on other people's threads, you care about other people and you are working through things. You are far from lazy. You are constantly fighting with your own head - that's a 24/7 job. It's amazing that you get up everyday... Anything more than that is a bonus. You really are such a lovely and kind person. You are someone I am really glad I've had the chance to meet you and get to meet you...
Not repeating but agree with Suzi, I have been quiet for a while but read posts and see what Suzi sees sweetie xx
OldMike
11-10-19, 03:27 PM
I agree with Jaq and Suzi you're struggling to keep your head above water but you're battling and slowly getting there.
Hunni, you would never force yourself to take the dog to the beach if you’d broken your leg - if you did you could prolong your recovery. The same is true with depression. You are ill and that means there are things you cant do. If you did them, you could also prolong your recovery. You need to do whatever you need to do to get well, and that might mean just doing the basics (which is much more than I manage a lot of the time), especially as you’ve got family around you who can pick up the things you’re not able to do right now. You’ll get back to baking when you’re better....
Strugglingmum
11-10-19, 03:55 PM
The weather here has been gorgeous today. Sunny, bit nippy and just enough breeze to dry the washing. I've had the machine going most if the day (a lot to catch up on) .
Walking along the shore with the dog this morning was perfect, we met no one and Katie was able to run and run. I went to town for a swim to clear my head a bit and bought new yarn (always a pleasant job). We have builders coming tomorrow to build a retaining wall for our patio. If its nice I think I'll take the dog to the mountains to take us both out of their way.
I resisted the urge to restock my stash.
You have all said lovely things. I'm sorry I just cant see it and agree but thank you all anyway. It's almost 4pm and I'm making it through another day.
You’re not ‘just’ making it through another day, you’re appreciating the weather, doing some exercise, did something you enjoy (yarn) and didn’t restock your stash. That’s a lot!
Completely agree with Paula - you have done much more than "just" make it through. You've done so much. You've done more than me! You may not see what we see in you, but I'm glad you can appreciate that we might feel those about you.
Not restocking is f*cking awesome! I'm so, so, so proud of you!
Strugglingmum
12-10-19, 10:17 AM
Slept well last night with some assistance. Didn't awaken til 9:30am. I have a load in the machine but no real motivation to do much else. The builders are outside so the dog is stuck in the house, I should really take her to the shore but tbh I'm not that motivated. I do feel guilty looking at her wee face though. A is at this moment making fried egg sardines for the builders. I know I need to move to feel better but not managing it so far.
Jaquaia
12-10-19, 10:28 AM
Sorry but fried egg sardines has made me giggle (giggle)
You obviously needed the sleep lovely
Strugglingmum
12-10-19, 11:07 AM
Sorry but fried egg sardines has made me giggle (giggle)
You obviously needed the sleep lovely
Good old auto correct!!! Of course it was sarnies! ! (giggle)
Jaquaia
12-10-19, 11:33 AM
I laugh far more than I should at autocorrect fails!
Egg sardines is epic!
Sweetheart, can anyone else take her out for a run now and maybe you could do one later as it might help?
OldMike
12-10-19, 02:22 PM
Egg and sardine sarnies are epic that is boiled egg not fried egg (giggle) speaking of sarnies bacon sarnies are my current fav with a dollop of ketchup, 'tis okay I don't have auto correct sometimes I wish i did though :)
Jaquaia
12-10-19, 02:23 PM
I was once having a wobble and J told me "we will cross that fridge when we get to it" (rofl)
I constantly lose words... And my autocorrects are hilarious. I type better than I can text so I have a thing on my laptop I can do texts with and it's much more successful! :)
Strugglingmum
12-10-19, 02:58 PM
So i haven't made it out today. I'm dressed, have done 2 loads washing and put it on the line. Made banana bread and an Apple crumble all gluten free so my daughter can enjoy. I'm afraid its my good old crochet hook and movie kind of day. I always feel guilty when the Sun is shining and I'm indoors.
Suzi my son took Katie out a walk so she is ok. The builders have left for the day so she has the run of the garden again. i dont know how i can be tired....but I am.
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