Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*

[Strugglingmum]

Have been in my room most of the day although I did take Katie out for 8k. She has slept soundly ever since!! Not sure what I'll do tonight. It's been cooler and overcast today so at least I dont feel guilty for not being busy out in the sunshine.
Very much want to be left alone today.

[Paula]

There’s no need to feel guilty for taking it easy after 8k!

[Stella180]

8k!? I don’t even drive that far!

[Strugglingmum]

8k!? I don’t even drive that far!

I walk that every day.... it's just part of my routine. I usually go alone but today I took the dog as she looked miserable.

[Suzi]

8k is loads! If you want to be left alone then that's understandable while the reduction settles...

[Stella180]

I walk that every day.... it's just part of my routine. I usually go alone but today I took the dog as she looked miserable.

If I tried walking the dog that far we’d most need an ambulance lol

[Strugglingmum]

They say you learn something new every day.
Today I learnt not to ask my husband for help with motivation to get out of bed.

[Stella180]

Ooh err missus lol

[Paula]

(giggle)

[Suzi]

I've seen the FB post and I'm glad I did! I really needed that laugh this morning!

[Strugglingmum]

I've seen the FB post and I'm glad I did! I really needed that laugh this morning!

Well I'm pleased it made you chuckle(rofl)

[Suzi]

I'd apologise, but I really needed the laugh!

[Strugglingmum]

I'd apologise, but I really needed the laugh!

Everything ok?

[Suzi]

Yeah love, thanks for asking. Just juggling lots of plates... Same as everyone else I think...

[Strugglingmum]

Yeah love, thanks for asking. Just juggling lots of plates... Same as everyone else I think...

That's ok. Just cause you're the boss lady and looking out for everyone else doesn't mean we dont think about you and wonder if you're ok. You are a busy lady. Sending a thank you for all you do. (bear)

[Paula]

Couldn’t have said it better myself :)

[Stella180]

Ditto.

[Suzi]

Thank you...


So, did A have to employ his "special technique" to get you out of bed this morning?

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you...


So, did A have to employ his "special technique" to get you out of bed this morning?

I was up first(rofl)

[Stella180]

What is this “special technique”? I’m curious now

[Suzi]

I was up first(rofl)
Did you use the "special technique" on him?

Stella, I couldn't possibly say!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm not strong enough. (rofl)

[Suzi]

Ahh, may I recommend cold water in a water pistol? Or gravy and let your pup at him?!

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Strugglingmum]

(rofl) (rofl)

[Flo]

Morning SM.....what's up? Anything on today?.....don't mean clothing!(giggle)

[Paula]

How are you doing, sweetie?

[Suzi]

You're quiet, you OK?

[Strugglingmum]

Feeling a bit better after talking things through with my CPN today. I was still feeling low after my consultant appt on Monday but talking it through helped and just unloading how much I disagree with my diagnosis etc. I feel listened to which as we all know helps.

[Mira]

That helps a great deal and I am glad you felt that way. And feeling a bit better is a win.

[Paula]

Well done for talking to her

[Suzi]

I'm really proud of you for talking to her and telling her how things are. That's really important.

[Strugglingmum]

Slept for 2 full hours this afternoon. Was lovely.

[Suzi]

Epic self care! :)

[Strugglingmum]

The black cloud is definitely lifting. I am sleeping so much better and I know that has a major influence on my mood.
The more sleep I get, the more I want and the more relaxed I feel. After being so chronically sleep-deprived for so many years, I'm enjoying the feeling of waking up in the morning and stretching and just feeling relaxed. My psychologist put it very well on Monday when she said, " you are not a manic zombie any more. You dont feel the need to be doing doing doing all the time just to keep going, your body is learning that it can actually relax and allow you to relax."
I feel a more positive and able to enjoy things rather than just do them to be busy. I feel connected to A and the thought of 'tomorrow ' no longer fills me with fear and dread. I know I still have a long road to travel but I am willing to travel it. I can say at this moment and for the past few days, I no longer want to end my life, I feel like there is a way through and I am going to make it.
Thank you all for helping me reach this point. I cant remember the last time I felt a bit of hope like this.

[Jaquaia]

That is an absolutely epic post!!!

[Stella180]

These are the days to savour. Remember this feeling.

[Suzi]

That post has made me cry! I'm so happy for you! That's a post to print out and stick it to every surface you can to keep reminding yourself... You are amazing. A total warrior.

[Paula]

Oh! That’s amazing! I’m in bits :)

[Strugglingmum]

Aw thanks guys. It is A's birthday today, a big one so we are celebrating. My daughter and I had great fun decorating a cake for him. I've never tackled fondant icing before but we are very proud of it. So today is all about the big guy and the wonderfulness that is him. Both boys are back to work so we are doing a bit of running about again but I am still maintaining a relaxed outlook.

[Suzi]

Picture of the cake? I'm so ridiculously proud of you I hope you know...

[Strugglingmum]

Picture of the cake? I'm so ridiculously proud of you I hope you know...

Now we all know I never quite manage the whole photo share thing(rofl). Anyway, myself and I are not the worlds best cake decorators but we tried and we had fun. It was absolutely yummy which is the main thing. We had huge slices each. It is a lemon cake with a mild lemon buttercream filling and used apricot jam to stick the fondant icing on. Also gluten free so everyone could eat it.

[Suzi]

Ahha, I've seen the pics on FB! Looks like a triumph of a cake to me! :)

[Stella180]

If it tastes like it sounds it’s gonna be the best birthday ever.

[Strugglingmum]

Have been really tired past couple of days but mood is staying ok. Done bits and pieces today and went for a walk, took my son to work. Chatted with a friend for a while too on the phone. Think crochet on the agenda this evening until son needs picked up.

[Suzi]

I'm glad your mood is OK. Are you getting enough sleep and rest?

[Paula]

Any reason you know of why you’re tired?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sleeping really well. I think years of sleep deprivation is catching up on me. The more sleep I get, the more relaxed I get, my thoughts have slowed and it's as if my brain has finally found it can actually switch off properly. I think it will all settle down. I'm still active, eating healthy but maybe I'm confusing relaxed for tired??? Not sure. Theres been such a change in how I'm feeling recently that I'm just going with the flow.

[Suzi]

That's so positive!

[Strugglingmum]

Been a bit bleugh this week. I'm still sleeping quite well and my mood isn't back really low but I feel I'm plodding or marking time. I just cant find the motivation I need to do stuff and have spent a lot of time just sitting around. I've only walked a couple of times this week and minimal cleaning. I feel really lazy and unproductive. However, today I showered, body scrubbed, legs shaved, moisturised etc etc. Took me to 2pm to get up the motivation but I did it and I feel a bit more human. There has been a lot of crochet going on this week too but I've had to dig deep to get the hook into my hand. However..... I'm not where I was a couple of weeks ago so that's a plus.

[Paula]

Oh hunni, I get it. I think that people without MH problems are struggling to motivate when it’s same sh!t, different day. You’ve only just started to feel better yet we’re still in this horrible place worldwide. And no clue as to when things are going to get better.

But, the difference is you’ve had clues you’re getting better. And you’re a long way from where you were a few weeks ago. You did so well today getting up and all that self care. I’m proud of you :)

[Strugglingmum]

Oh hunni, I get it. I think that people without MH problems are struggling to motivate when it’s same sh!t, different day. You’ve only just started to feel better yet we’re still in this horrible place worldwide. And no clue as to when things are going to get better.

But, the difference is you’ve had clues you’re getting better. And you’re a long way from where you were a few weeks ago. You did so well today getting up and all that self care. I’m proud of you :)

Thank you. Yes you're right, I have definitely made a step forward since a few weeks ago

[Suzi]

I was wondering how things were as you've been much more quiet...

[Suzi]

How are you hun?

[Strugglingmum]

Hi all. I'm plodding. Still a bit of a rollercoaster. Getting outside as much as possible, spending time with the family and just trying to stay on the right side of the line. I know I've improved but I feel like I'm still walking a bit of a fine line and could tumble back down very easily. I'm not exactly sure how I'm filling my days but they seem to be passing by steadily. I cant say I have used lockdown to be productive or learn a new skill but I'm surviving and for now that has to be enough.

[Suzi]

That's more than enough.
Are you talking to your medical team about how you are feeling?

[Strugglingmum]

That's more than enough.
Are you talking to your medical team about how you are feeling?

Yes I'm in regular contact with my cpn and psychologist. (nod)

[Suzi]

Good!
So what've you been up to today?

[Strugglingmum]

Today I did some laundry, went to the beach for a walk with my daughter and the dog. Came home, got lunch and we sat in the garden and sculptured with some air dry clay in the garden. I made a tortoise. Mostly we just had a go as neither of us had done it before. A was playing golf today. It was a beautiful day and my middle son bought us all an Indian for tea. This evening I've just been feet up. Tomorrow we have hired a digger and dumper for a week to try and get our patio built and some ground cleared. The outside of the house has been very neglected past few years since I got ill so it is good to actually start doing some work in it.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a great day! Lots of self care in there too. It's fab you were able to sit with I and make things!

[Strugglingmum]

Yip. I forgot, I also did a zoom gardening class with the training centre I attend. They had provided seeds and trays etc to plant some salad leaves, spinach and spring onions. We are getting some sunflower seeds posted out to plant and see who can grow the tallest sunflower. It's just all a bit of fun and to keep us connected while the centre is shut. Next week a professional gardener from a National Trust garden is joining us to do a bit of a question time.

[Suzi]

That's such a cool idea! So much fun too!

[Strugglingmum]

Had a phone appointment with my psychologist yesterday. She wants me to go in on Thursday for a face to face appointment to do some trauma work as it is too distressing over the phone and she wants to have visual evidence of how I'm coping.
Ideally we would leave trauma work for now but my flashbacks are quite bad at present so she wants to try. I have to go get blood tests tomorrow too.
Went and did the shopping this morning. I cant believe how exhausted and washed out that it leaves me for the rest of the day. We are finally having some rain here.... right as A was nearly finished building a wall. Hoping for a dry spell to get it finished... only a few block left to lay.

[Suzi]

What are you building?
I think doing trauma work over the phone is just too hard... I'm glad you're going in and are talking about your flashbacks.

[Paula]

You’re dealing with a lot atm, it’s not surprising life is exhausting for you. Big hugs, sweetie

[Suzi]

How did you sleep lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

I slept deeply last night, was totally exhausted. It has rained overnight here and it's a bit cooler.....thankfully. Taking my son to work and then going to get my bloods done. That's my morning filled. How did I use to fit so much into a day!!

[Paula]

I know exactly what you mean!

[Suzi]

I'm hoping for rain - although Marc wants his Mum and her dogs over for a BBQ and play - it's so humid here!

Sounds like you've got quite enough to deal with for a day whilst you are trying to get you better!

[Strugglingmum]

Went for a walk this afternoon as the sun is out although there is a good breeze.
I'm anxious about my face to face tomorrow and I know it's me that is putting myself under pressure to make sure it's worth it.
They are only allowed face to face in exceptional circumstances so I feel like I have to make it worth my psychologist going to all the bother.... but what if I don't manage to achieve what she is hoping, I'll have wasted her effort and put her at risk from seeing me face to face. Which is ridiculous I know, she volunteers at the covid ICU offering a drop in talking space for staff so I know she is more at risk there.

[Paula]

This appointment is about YOU, lovely, and, as long as you’re both safe, the only thing that matters is that YOU achieve something from it

[Suzi]

So what if you don't manage to achieve everything you both hope from this appointment? You make another appointment and have another go. Trauma counselling takes time. Every practitioner knows this. No one is going to mind if you don't get further than "hello"... What is important is that you go and you get from it what you can and what you're able to do so. Hunni, you don't need pressure, no one else will be putting it on you, so don't put it on yourself... This isn't a "one session fixes everything" type of thing love....

[Strugglingmum]

Quiet day. Went for a walk this morning and got soaked in a downpour. My Cpn phoned for a check in just before lunch. After lunch I had a zoom coffee with a friend. Then took my son to work and made dinner but time spent with feet up in between. The dog is lying sleeping with her head on my lap and it feels comforting. Quite content to just stay here tbh

[Paula]

Sounds like a good day. Was it?

[Suzi]

Sounds like a good day despite the soaking!

[Strugglingmum]

It was peaceful which is the main thing

[Strugglingmum]

A quiet weekend with a bit of cleaning and crochet.

[Suzi]

Yay for the crochet! Hope it wasn't much cleaning!

[Paula]

What’s today’s plan?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm very unsettled today. A is being taken off furlough and going back to work on Thursday.... yes I know he cant stay home forever, and I know we are blessed that he was at home through the worst of the pandemic but I am going to miss him so much and his company and just that person to turn to. I know I'm being ridiculous and illogical and just not the strong independent woman that I used to be. I shouldn't need someone by my side to be able to keep calm

[Paula]

I know it’s going to take a big adjustment for me as and when Si goes back - these last few weeks have proved to me how much I need him. So, I’m preferring to see it that it shows how close we are that I still want him around after months of 24/7 company itms

[Suzi]

I don't think it's bad that you don't want him to go back. I don't think that it's a bad thing that you turn to him when you need calm and talking things through. I think Paula's right, it's a good thing that you want him around that much.

[Strugglingmum]

Feeling so anxious and distressed today. Did the shopping this morning but haven't achieved much more

[Suzi]

That sounds like enough for a day to me. Can you be kind to you this afternoon?

[Paula]

Hunni, you’re doing brilliantly. But you’ve just found out things are changing again and that is always enough to unsettle things. Just be kind to you (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

I have been really down past few days, struggling with the silliest things. Tonight 2 friends drove miles to my door just to say "I love you" and to chat for 10 minutes, in the rain to let me know they care. Feeling so cared for right now and it gave me a real lift. Only thing would have made it better would have been a huge squishy hug.....
But we were responsible and sent hugs across the air. It really is the little things that make the hugest impact.

[Paula]

Oh, that’s so lovely - what wonderful friends you have :)

[Suzi]

That's so lovely! How are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

A went back to work today which I was dreading. Visit from friends last night lifted my mood and they brought me a goody bag which I opened today. It was full of really thoughtful things which just showed they cared and know what would please me so it was a good start to the day.
My daughter did the ironing which delighted me and let me do my zoom class with the gardening club at the centre. I pottered and got some jobs done about the house, we played with our kittens and my eldest made dinner. Definitely a much better day than I had anticipated. The kittens antics made me laugh which felt good.

[Suzi]

Your kittens are adorable!

[Paula]

Sounds like a really good day - how was A’s first day back?

[Strugglingmum]

Sounds like a really good day - how was A’s first day back?

To say he enjoyed it would be a lie..... but he doesn't love his job anyway but, it's a job, the company is heading belly up due to Covid so he will keep turning up and doing it until that day because there is no alternative. He has no academic qualifications so getting another job would be near impossible. My son works for the same company and the thought of both of them being out of work sends chills through me.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

I can understand that must be a very scary thought... But never lose hope love...
How are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Today I did a few jobs online.... banking and looking cheaper insurance quotes..... that was enough for me for 1 morning. It rained all morning, a bit brighter now. Then I had a freak out as a bird came down the chimney and into the stove.....1 for A to sort out after work! Going to try and lift the crochet hook this afternoon... or not. See how it goes. I'm a bit antsy but dont know what to do with that nervous energy. I'll try find something to do.

[Suzi]

Those online jobs are enough for one day! OO I'd have freaked out too!
What about going for a walk or something? Couch 2 5k app?

[Strugglingmum]

Had a complete meltdown tonight at teatime because I couldn't decide what to cook for A and me. I didn't know what I fancied and couldn't think. Anyway, we came out for a burger and icecream and to give me space from the house. Feeling a bit better with time on my own with A, just catching up.

[Paula]

You doing ok, love? The past couple of days seem to have been a little bit of a struggle

[Suzi]

Hunni, you're going to be wobbling a bit because A is back at work and you're having to find ways to do things without him and his immediate support. You are flipping awesome and you've got this. You can get through this blippy bit. Besides going out for a burger and ice cream sounds much better than having to cook!

[Strugglingmum]

Cuddling with kittens. Soothing.

[Suzi]

So much fun! Make sure you hide your hooking! :)

[Paula]

Cuddling with kittens. Soothing.

I’m slightly jealous. Jax doesn’t really cuddle :/

[Strugglingmum]

I’m slightly jealous. Jax doesn’t really cuddle :/

The kittens are tiny... we are just weaning them so they conk out very easily on your lap, or in your pocket or up your jumper etc. I guess I'm lucky, Katie our GSD likes to lie on the couch with her head on your lap however she doesn't like the bed....too warm for her I think

[Paula]

Awwwww cuuuute

[Suzi]

Crash is a big cuddle monster!

How are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

A bit more settled today. I'm up, did a face mask and brushed my teeth so some self care going on. A is playing golf this afternoon so my daughter and I are going to go to a forest park with Katie for a bit of a hike.

[Paula]

Enjoy :)

[Suzi]

Did you have fun?

[Strugglingmum]

We had a lovely hike and Katie enjoyed running mad in the forest. Came home and cooked dinner for the first time in days. I'm a bit antsy now but I'm coping

[Suzi]

That sounds fun!

Could you get your hook out?

[Strugglingmum]

Ended up kitten cuddling last night and then conking out!
Done some housework today and a little gardening but it's too hot for me. A is cutting the grass now so I've come inside to let him roam free on the ride-on.

[Suzi]

Kitten cuddling and sleep sounds good...
Hope you're pacing love...

[Stella180]

You have a ride on mower!? Nope, not jealous at all. Much. Well maybe a little bit. Oh why am I kidding, I wanna go on it!!!

[Strugglingmum]

We have .75 of an acre, mostly grass, so ride-on was an investment many years ago without which the grass would never be manageable.... without a goat!
We had a small paddock sectioned off for the pony but it is now being laid to lawn again.... part of the work we have been doing outside

[Suzi]

That's awesome! I'd get goats too! :)

[Strugglingmum]

Had a phone psychology appointment yesterday. Went ok.
Been shopping this morning. It's my eldest's birthday today so have a birthday tea to make but have to confess I bought the cake. Feeling a bit tired now. Going to have feet up for a while then clean up a bit before cooking tea.

[Paula]

It’s absolutely ok to buy the cake, lovely

[Suzi]

Bought cake is more than OK! Give yourself a break love!!!

[Paula]

Hi, lovely, how’s you?

[Suzi]

You're quiet and I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

[Strugglingmum]

You're quiet and I don't know if that's a good thing or not...

Probably not a good thing. X

[Paula]

Want to talk?

[Strugglingmum]

Want to talk?

Thanks Paula. I'm sorry but I can't think of a thing to say.

[Paula]

I’m hoping it’ll help if I ask some questions so....... how’s your sleep right now?

[Strugglingmum]

It's ok. Hard to drop off but only wake couple of times and do get back over again. I'm always tired though and it's hard to get up

[Suzi]

Are you eating ok? Getting any exercise? How are the kids? Are you getting any pacing done?

[Strugglingmum]

Everyone is fine. It's just me. I'm eating ok but no I haven't been exercising, I've no motivation or get up and go. I eventually get done the few jobs I need to around the house but I'm not very productive and spend a lot of time sitting about doing nothing. I haven't walked in a week I'm so lazy

[Paula]

You’re not lazy, hunni, you’re just having a tough week. Small steps - can you sit out in the garden? Have a soak in the bath?

[Suzi]

You are FAR from lazy!

Can you get out into the garden for a bit? What about taking a cuppa outside? That's my thing, I'll take my bottle of squash (living the high life here!) and go out into the garden, have a bit of a pootle around and check over my strawberries and herbs, wander down to the blackcurrants and pootle back again... It's not a lot, but it's something and it can often give me the motivation to do something else, and make me feel that I've done more than "just" sit on the sofa....

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks. It's been thunderstorms here with horrendous downpours. I had a sleep this afternoon. I'm going to try lift my hook this evening.

[Suzi]

Oh, so no good for pootling in your garden then! lol
Are you overdoing it? Not sleeping as well?

[Strugglingmum]

Definitely not overdoing it.... maybe undergoing it. Sleeping ok. Guess I'm just low. No real reason except me

[Suzi]

You sounds really down, hunni is your mood slipping? Is it worth talking to your care team?

[Strugglingmum]

Had psychology this morning and have a scheduled review with my psychiatrist today. Just waiting on his call.
Just realised this thread is so long. Will have to start a new one. I'll try get round to it later

[Suzi]

Were you honest with how you are feeling?

[Strugglingmum]

Yes. My psychologist emailed my psychiatrist so he would know how things were before he phoned me. He offered to change my vortioxetine but I wasnt up for a change at the moment and sure next choice could be worse. He also offered to increase my risperidone again but I feel I'm sleeping ok but he said I could have a think and let him know. He will phone again in 6-8weeks. Meantime my CPN can contact him if i want to try changing meds

[Suzi]

I'm glad they are talking and taking into account what you are saying and how you are feeling. That's really positive.

[Paula]

Was he talking about upping the vortioxetine or changing meds altogether?

[Strugglingmum]

Was he talking about upping the vortioxetine or changing meds altogether?

I'm on the top dose of vortioxetine already, so would be another trial of something else.

[Suzi]

There are always other options.. How long have you been on the vort?

[Paula]

Was he suggesting swapping out the vort or adding something else into the mix?

[Strugglingmum]

Swapping out from what I could tell. I feel that the vortioxetine is the first AD that has helped at all so I am reluctant to do that..... it took a long time and a lot of trials to get here.

[Jaquaia]

I'm exactly the same. It's not perfect and there are still bad days, but it's the first one that's ever allowed me to feel anything like me again.

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

How are you today lovely?

I'm ok. Been to do the shopping and I've a bit of running about to do. I washed my face last night and brushed my teeth. I told my psychologist at 10am I would do it....it took me all day to get there. Still working on today

[Stella180]

So you achieved exactly what you set out to do yesterday. So it took you all day but you still got there. I know it’s hard to find the positives and I’m the world champion at beating myself up. You’ve got your shopping done today which is huge, I hope you bought yourself a small treat to reward yourself. Maybe schedule yourself 10 mins to do something just for you. A bit of self care to lift yourself. Have you managed to have a wash and brush your teeth yet today?

[Suzi]

Does it matter how long it takes as long as you get there?
You need to be kinder to yourself - Yup, am totally agreeing with Stella!

[Paula]

Stella’s absolutely right.... once you’ve done your running about, will you rest, lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

I managed to lift my hook this evening.... first time in weeks. I have an order and it's a pattern I haven't done before so it's slow going and I'm having to read it so many times to get it right.
Stella I washed my pits before I went shopping and put on some Mithchum..... does that count? I know people have to stay 2m away but they probably would have still smelt me if I hadn't.... yes I'm a minging slob at the moment. I cooked dinner. I'll try tackle some cleaning tomorrow

[Stella180]

Hey, I get it. I’m the same but there is something really good about the feeling of being clean. It might take every ounce of energy you have left but it’s worth it to feel human again.

[Suzi]

You aren't a minging slob! Give yourself a break.

What's the pattern? What are you making?

[Strugglingmum]

Showered. My daughter gave me lots of 'encouragement' by standing with her hands on her hips pointing until I got in. I'm now hiding in my room contemplating getting dried and dressed. Obviously I'm on here so it's not happening that quickly.
Today my daughter has a socially distanced meet up with her school friends so I have to take her to the city. I'm going to take my crochet and sit in the park waiting on her. I have dinner in the slow cooker so I dont have to cook when we come home. She will get to spend a couple of hours with her pals, catching up. They do this once a week, meet at the park and eat lunch together and are so good at sitting apart. A lady was passing one week and complimented them on being so responsible.
Anyway I better get dressed before the boss comes and tells me off.

[Suzi]

That's a lovely idea!

Also gets you out of the house and it sounds like you've been prepared a bit to give yourself a break too by doing the slow cooker dinner!
I love that you're being "supported" like that - sounds like the kind of "encouragement" that I get at home too....

[Strugglingmum]

I am not only showered but get me. Showered, shaved, body scrub and moisturised!! Hair dried and now dressed..... can I go back to bed??

[Suzi]

Well done love! That's a big achievement!

[Paula]

(party) well done love :)

[OldMike]

Well done SMum (panda)

[Stella180]

Woohoo! Do you feel a bit better for it?

[Strugglingmum]

Woohoo! Do you feel a bit better for it?

I feel better knowing that I wont make people curl their noses up.

[Paula]

That’s something then, it will get better, lovely (bear)

[Suzi]

Well done! How was the park?

[Suzi]

Hey you, how are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm plodding.

[Paula]

Are you looking after yourself? Eating, showering etc?

[Suzi]

You sound down... Are you OK?

[Strugglingmum]

Are you looking after yourself? Eating, showering etc?

I'm eating


You sound down... Are you OK?

I am still very flat.had psychology this morning. She is going to phone and speak to A.

[Suzi]

Do you want to talk about it? Why is she calling A?

[Paula]

(panda)

[Strugglingmum]

Do you want to talk about it? Why is she calling A?

I really have nothing new to say. My mood is low. Im struggling with daily things, no motivation etc.
I'm not sure exactly what she wants to achieve talking to A, just making sure he knows how much I'm struggling I guess

[Suzi]

Does he know? Are you talking to him about how you are feeling?

[Strugglingmum]

He knows I'm not great. I'm kind of shut down at the moment. Holding everyone at arms length. Isolating. I have nothing new to tell him. It's just the same over and over again. That circle that only I can break but don't seem capable of.

[Stella180]

When the time is right for you you’ll come out of it.

[Suzi]

Is this since he's been back at work?

[Strugglingmum]

I wasnt very well before lockdown and I think while he was home I did improve a bit but without that support I've just collapsed a bit again. I've also been doing quite intense trauma work which has brought me down a bit.
But I think mostly it's just me and my head being stupid and lazy and not trying hard enough..... I dont even feel I want to try so yes, I'm the only one who can fix this, it's down to me and I obviously dont want to fix it enough or I would make more of an effort.

[Paula]

You are not stupid or lazy. And you’re not the only one responsible for dealing with this. It takes a village....... you, A, the kids, your family, friends, the church, DWD. We are all part of this and we all are here to support you to help you get better.

[Suzi]

Stupid? Lazy? Sorry love but that's total bo((ocks! I know that you are definitely neither of those things. You really do need to be kinder to you....

[Suzi]

How are you?

[Strugglingmum]

How are you?

I think I'm ok thanks.

[EJ]

(panda)(panda)(panda)

[Paula]

Anything you want to talk about?

[Strugglingmum]

Anything you want to talk about?

Thanks Paula. I dont think there is much to say, I'm just getting on with things step by step. I'm setting a goal each day and trying to achieve it. It's going ok.

[Paula]

You’re awesome :)

[Suzi]

You sound flat love, are you OK?

[Strugglingmum]

I am still very flat but I'm trying

[Paula]

That’s all anyone can ask (bear)

[Suzi]

Then you're a warrior and still fighting. You are awesome.

[Strugglingmum]

I was just wondering if anyone keeps or has kept a goal diary or regularly writes down their daily goals? I don't just mean a 'to do' list but your actual goals for that day. I'm not sure if that makes sense at all but I would be interested to know how other people do it and decide on their goals.

[Stella180]

I was encouraged to do you once but it had a negative impact on me. If I achieved my goals then they were too easy but if I didn’t I was a failure. I gave up in the end. I still set myself challenges regularly but only as and when I feel I need a push.

[Suzi]

It depends what you're going to put on that list... If you make them realistic then I can't see it being too negative. I used to use something similar but for things like meditation/thai chi etc...

[Strugglingmum]

I'll try to explain a bit. If I set goals and it is just like a 'to do' list i get overwhelmed and then angry with myself when I dont complete it. Also if it's all task orientated then it's a chore. I've been told I need to set goals to try and give me a lift and find a bit of enjoyment but i also need to look after me and the household. So I've come up with a format that I'm hoping will work but would really welcome any advice, tips suggestions.

I have 3 sections.
1. Personal goal..... I've been putting things like, go for a walk, have a shower and wash my hair, 30 mins yoga, facemask.

2. Would like to..... this is a few jobs I would like to get done that day but not a long list.... no more than 4 and that will depend on what they are. I put things like attend my zoom class, sew on buttons, phone or message my sister etc.

3. Need to..... this is something that has to be done like change litter tray, do the food shop, Hoover kitchen etc

I try to do the 'need to' early on before I get entrenched in anything else and then it's done. I also try to do the personal goal before lunchtime if I can before all my energy is gone.
The 'would like to list' then is easier to work towards.

I do other jobs like laundry, cooking, everyday stuff that just gets done without too much thought but doesn't give me any sense of achievement... it just needs done.

I think I'm rambling but does anyone have any thoughts? Does this sound reasonable or that it might help? Should I be doing it differently?

[Paula]

That sounds very reasonable to me. I also find (and this is from my Bath programme) that it helps me to assign ‘values’ to the tasks - ie, why they’re important to me and what I’m aiming for in life. For instance, yesterday it was important that I have a real endorphin lift so I did some choir practice and really belted out the song (so much so that Si heard me 2 floors above me) - this value is looking after my mental health. Today, I’m going to study - this value is about keeping my brain from stagnating. It’s a way of keeping myself on track. Does that make sense?

[Strugglingmum]

Yes it makes sense. I think I need to get a sense of me first.

[Suzi]

I think your system is really good - and I agree with Paula about the values - we did that in IMPACT too. It's really important to see where you are putting your time/energy - whether it's for you, or others etc..

[Strugglingmum]

Spoke to my CPN today. She thinks my goal setting is working well and that I'm managing better this week. Even better, my next appt with her is a face to face instead of a phone call.

[Paula]

That’s fab! When do you see her?

[Suzi]

Well done hunni, that's really brilliant!

[Strugglingmum]

That’s fab! When do you see her?

Not this incoming week but the next. It will be good to sit face to face with someone and talk things out I'm not good on phone or online. A is pleased that someone will be actually clapping eyes on me to see how I'm doing.

[Suzi]

Are you talking to A about how you are feeling? It will be good to see someone. You learn so much about how someone is really doing through body language as well as what they are and are not saying itms?

What's on your agenda for today?

[Strugglingmum]

Today is a public holiday here. I've been for a walk, done some crochet. I have to give my son a lift to town to meet his girlfriend as there are no buses on a public holiday. He is meeting her parents for the first time.

I would like to pot up a couple of plants but I'll see how things go. I still have a couple of things on my goal list.

[Suzi]

That sounds like a good day!

[Strugglingmum]

I am trying not to let the stress in the house get to me but my anxiety is so high....and I keep trying to chant, not my issue, not my fault, I can't fix it, its not the end of the world.... but its hard.

[Paula]

Want to talk about what all the stress is about?

[Strugglingmum]

Want to talk about what all the stress is about?

Thanks Paula.
It's all a bunch of smaller stuff which added together just overwhelms me. I have 3 kids and they all have a stressful event this week or next week. They can manage, its 1 thing. Of course, I have picked up all 3 things and am stressing over all 3, plus my own low mood and worrying A is going to be in next round of redundancies etc etc.
It all sounds silly and I know people have much worse stuff going on but I'm not coping well with it all.
C girlfriend is coming for tea tonight, first time we will meet her... I need a clean house (which is overwhelming), a nice meal and a cheery, entertaining disposition.... my sister is coming too and that's a whole other bit of stress.
I has her theory driving test tomorrow. She is struggling getting the time right on the hazard perception and is having regular meltdowns which I'm trying to soothe her from... she also has other wee things going on
My Eldest D is going away with the TA next weekend for 2 weeks to complete his basic training and I'm stressing as he has been lazy (my word for too much gaming online in the middle of the night) and his fitness isn't as good as it could be. He is going to throw up for the first few days of PT.

[Suzi]

You've got all of this.

1) Meal tonight - the house will be fine (as I assume it's better than mine and you can see the dining table and the floor isn't covered in dog hair)! Are you cooking or take away? Your sister? Can you get A to help with her if you need to?
2) I will be amazing. All you can do is keep telling her to be calm and believe in herself and she can always retake it
3) D will learn by his own mistakes... If he's big enough to do this, then he's big enough to deal with the consequences. I know it won't stop you worrying, but if he throws up then he throws up - he won't be alone going by the stories I've heard from my little brother a while ago! :)

Keep on with the mantra, you're doing amazingly. But even more than that, keep talking!

[Strugglingmum]

Most of my dining table is clear.... I have a German Shepherd.... everything we own is covered in dog hair(rofl)... but th gf has 2 labs so I'm hoping dog hair is not an issue.... even if I hoover as she walked in the door... she would still be covered

[Suzi]

ROFL, so you're in a better position than me with your table (I had it dropped on me yesterday by my mil that we are hosting a family BBQ on Sunday so I have a house to clean by then - but I'm on crutches!) but the same with dog hair lol

Thing is, she'll be much more nervous than you are! You're lovely, it'll be fabulous!

[Paula]

She’s not coming to eat off your floor, she’s coming to meet you! And you’re lovely, so it’ll go swimmingly :) Get a takeaway, eat it on your laps in the living room, you’ll all have a whale of a time!

[Suzi]

Paula's right! Don't panic, I can't imagine anyone not feeling comfortable around you, you're really lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Suzi and Paula..... and of course you are right. (Yes I know you always are;) )
We had a lovely time. She is lovely and friendly and seemed to enjoy the family banter. She ate my cooking, She loves animals and our animals seemed to like her so that's a win in my book.
My daughter even successfully competed a trial test tonight passing the hazard perception.
Who ever you pray to, please say one for her for tomorrow and that I dont have a panic attack on the bus on the way to Belfast.

[Paula]

Thinking of you both today (bear)

[Suzi]

Yay so glad it went well last night!

What time's the test? Am thinking of you both!

[Strugglingmum]

We are safe in Belfast. Appt not till 2:30 so time to fill in shopping and maybe a cheeky Nandos ( my daughter loves Nandos).
We drove to the city limits then used park and glide.
I was stressed as masks are supposed to be compulsory on public transport here yet so many got on without them.... they couldn't all be exempt. We were on our Glider system so you buy your tickets before you get on so driver is in a separate booth away from the public. Anyway, shopping, coffee, food. All will help

[Suzi]

Woohoo! Well done lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

She passed!!

[Stella180]

Great news! Well done.

[Suzi]

Fantabulous! :)

[Paula]

(party)

[Strugglingmum]

I am so exhausted. Past few days have drained me emotionally, mentally and physically.
Today passed ok. Had lunch out with the daughter. Actually couldn't believe how many places were still shut up in the city. We finally found a wee pub for lunch which had a few GF options. Anyway, thankfully she passed and we dont need to go back for a repeat. Home with feet up. A and the boys are treating themselves to a take away tonight as cooking is just more than I can do tonight. I is away to meet her boyfriends new nephew so can sort herself out when she gets back. I'm too tired to be bothered eating.
It's a rubbish TV kind of night.

[Suzi]

Please eat something love, it's really important.

Massive hugs. Can you be kind to you over the weekend?

[Paula]

You’ve been awesome the last few days. Time to recharge this weekend, please?

[Strugglingmum]

Definitely no big plans but I do have stuff I need to catch up on but will pace. Its getting started is my big problem

[Suzi]

As long as you pace it lovely. You've done huge things this week, give yourself time to recover too.

[OldMike]

Definitely no big plans but I do have stuff I need to catch up on but will pace. Its getting started is my big problem

I'm the same once I get going I'm okay but I have a habit of putting things off then nothing gets done.

[Strugglingmum]

I'm the same once I get going I'm okay but I have a habit of putting things off then nothing gets done.
Yip.... got up, chopped up some fruit for breakfast. Ate said fruit and went back to bed. Trying to heave my carcass out for a walk.... but it looks like rain.... a reason to stay in bed???
Actually even as I type this the chores are calling me. Out of bed it is then

[Suzi]

How are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

I have been for a walk, done some washing, tidied a bit, sorted shelves in my craft room and potted up some plants that had grown too big for theirs. Wee jobs but still plenty to do..... maybe not tonight tho.... have a dicky tummy. I had run out of my vortioxetine a few days as forgot about the bank holidays here at start of week and forgot to order my prescription last week. Anyway of course having missed it for a few days, it has given me the side effects today when I took it. Not straying too far from the loo for the rest of the day

[Jaquaia]

Sending hugs (panda) it made me feel crap when I missed a few days too

[Suzi]

(bear) (bear) (bear)

[Paula]

:( (panda)

[Stella180]

I can absolutely sympathise with you having to stay close to the toilet. Hope it passes soon.

[Strugglingmum]

I can absolutely sympathise with you having to stay close to the toilet. Hope it passes soon.

It's all passing much too soon.... that's the problem(rofl)
Have just eaten again for the first time so time will tell

[Suzi]

I sympathise as a fellow IBS sufferer... Hope it does what it's meant to at a more leisurely pace... :)

[Strugglingmum]

Friends messaged to see if they could call by..... had a wee baking morning. Brownies, peanut butter cookies and toffee loaf.
It was lovely to see them for a wee while. Had a sleep when they left so late dinner for us.

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Suzi]

Did you enjoy it?

[Strugglingmum]

It was nice to see them and I'm so pleased they thought to call. A was on the golf course but my daughter stayed in with me till I had served them tea etc before she went out with her boyfriend. I enjoyed my nap after almost as much.

[Suzi]

That's so good that you had a good time, and even more pleased that you went for a nap when you needed to.

[scilover]

Glad you had a great time! A nap always serves wonders hahaha.

[Suzi]

Morning lovely, how are you this morning?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm tired. I had a phone psychology appt at 9 and now I feel drained. It wasnt a tough appt but I feel like I'm failing.
I need to challenge my thoughts more and think more positively and be more proactive. Sometimes I wonder if I want to get better at all. It all seems to take more effort than I have to give. Sorry that sounds pitiful. I guess I need to sort myself out a bit and try a bit harder.
Right now I want to go back to bed and just sleep but I know that is hiding away and will achieve nothing. I need to focus.

[Suzi]

In what way are you "failing"?
What is it that you feel you should be doing that you aren't?
You're being really, really harsh on yourself..

[Paula]

From where I’m sitting, even when you feel absolutely awful, you still manage to do something every single day. Knowing how bloody hard that is when we’re feeling like that, please don’t underestimate what you do....

[Strugglingmum]

I've sorted some laundry and did some yoga then ate lunch. Have realised I'm not just being lazy and unmotivated... I'm tired. Heading to bed for a nap. Too tired to just curl up on the sofa, I need bed.

[Suzi]

It's not lazy and tired. You're fighting your head and you've missed meds etc, it's going to have an impact....

[Strugglingmum]

Had a good 1½ hrs before window cleaners came. I was out cold. Really needed it. Need to take my son to work now but feeling revived a bit after my sleep

[Suzi]

So glad you're listening to your body!

[Strugglingmum]

Had my face to face with my CPN today. Was good to see her.
I've done the food shop too so definitely pacing rest of the day.
I've a few bits and pieces to do but feet up with a cuppa first.

I have to try and keep a food diary as my CPN says I've lost too much weight and I'm not great at remembering how much ive eaten or when. I feel like I'm ok but apparently ive lost about 6kg since they last weighed me. She also set me some homework with goals etc to do before our next appointment.

[Paula]

Have you got a pretty notebook to use as a food diary? It might help you to remember to use it

[Strugglingmum]

Have you got a pretty notebook to use as a food diary? It might help you to remember to use it

I'm going to use the back of the notebook I have for my goals. It's a project notebook so is already separated into sections.
I've just realised that 6kg means I've lost nearly 10% of my body weight since lockdown started.

[Suzi]

Wow, that's a lot to lose... Definitely do that. You can join our healthy eating section if it'll help?