View Full Version : Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*
Strugglingmum
07-01-20, 06:14 PM
When my mood is low I do struggle with my appetite and actually don't want to eat. Eating is self care which I'm not great at when low. I actually start a competition with myself to see how longbi can go without food and fighting hunger pangs til they go away.
I think that’s something you really need to make sure your CPN knows, if you can do that (panda)
Have you spoken to anyone about this before? What about A?
Strugglingmum
07-01-20, 07:58 PM
You know what, its not all the time, only when im really low but I was shocked this morning to find I'd dropped below 60kg again.
You need to talk to someone love....
Strugglingmum
07-01-20, 08:07 PM
Have you spoken to anyone about this before? What about A?
When i first took ill i went down to 56kg at one point. My GP and CPN worked really hard with me to get me up to about 61kg which they considered a healthy enough level.... I was eating better. I went right up to just over 65kg on the Mirtazipine just a few months ago. My head is telling me its ok I'm not down as low as I was although there is part of me in the background urging me down again.
Hunni, you have to talk to your CPN/medical team about this and the way that you are still feeling. You have to remember that you've been doing a huge amount of swimming as well and if you've not been eating you could be doing so much harm. Not eating does come under the umbrella of self harm lovely.
Strugglingmum
08-01-20, 06:55 PM
Met with my CPN today. I'm not really sure how I feel. I guess I'm at the stage where they know I know everything they are going to say, they've said it before.
I feel like a failure because I know what to do, what to think, but I can't seem to do it.
I'm just really fed-up with myself.
I did get up, go to the centre, and I have swam today.
You are not a failure, lovely, you’re ill. There is a huge difference! Unfortunately, the illness itself is extremely good at telling us we’re a failure - that is so far from the truth (bear). Also, you haven’t stayed at home, which would have been easy to do, you’ve got up, went out, did some exercise. That’s impressive
Did you talk to the CPN about your eating?
You are far from a failure! Sweetheart you need to be kinder to you! Have you talked to A about how you are feeling?
Have you eaten properly today?
Strugglingmum
08-01-20, 09:23 PM
I did better today.
half a banana for brekkie.
a yoghurt at lunch, went for my swim. an apple and sandwich after.
ate a bit of beef and a potato tonight so much better.
I'm glad that your doing better today sweetie.
Well done lovely! How are you feeling today?
Strugglingmum
09-01-20, 01:32 PM
Small bowl of porridge with some blueberries today. Heading for a swim this afternoon.
Have done some crochet this morning along with laundry. Have made a Bolognese for the family for dinner tonight so been distracting ok.
Proud of you! Step by step....
I am so proud of you. How are you feeling love?
Strugglingmum
09-01-20, 05:29 PM
I'm ok. I even ate a bit of bolognese. The good thing about swimming is it gives me a better appetite. Gonna crochet this evening to finish an order. I'm doing the midnight run to pick my son up from work. I've lit the fire and I'm taking it easy for now.
I’m so glad you’re eating. What are you crocheting?
Strugglingmum
09-01-20, 07:38 PM
I’m so glad you’re eating. What are you crocheting?
It's one of my converse boottees and knotted beanie sets with a pair of scratch mitts too. It's an order for a baby shower.
Are you ok to be doing the midnight runs if you're struggling atm?
Strugglingmum
09-01-20, 09:08 PM
I would rather do them than keep A out of bed to do them. He has to get up after 6am for work. I can lie in tomorrow and just sleep til I waken. The fact that I'm needed keeps me safe. I'll not leave my son stranded at midnight
Morning, hunni, how are you?
Morning lovely, how are you?
Strugglingmum
10-01-20, 01:16 PM
I slept til 10:30 this morning. I've been doing things around the house and some wee jobs. I have finished my first order of the decade.
I am definitely making the effort to eat more but keeping it healthy.
magie06
10-01-20, 01:21 PM
Well done. You are amazing, do you know that?
Well done lovely! You're amazing.
OldMike
10-01-20, 03:16 PM
Well done SMum, first order of the year (I'm guessing crochet) as all crocheters say give me a hook and some wool and I can do anything :)
Strugglingmum
11-01-20, 02:44 PM
Slept fitfully last night. Miserable weather here today, hubby got caught in a torrential downpour on the golf course so his game ended early. Have cleaned up a bit and done the ironing. Heading up to the town soon to drop my son to work and do the shopping. I can't get heat into me today!! Got the fire lit now so hopefully it will be warm for coming home from the shops. Late run tonight as son working til midnight.
That’s hard when you are not feeling well to stay up to the early hours. Is there someone else who could give your son a lift home.
You sound very well organised. I’m batch cooking too. I hope you get warm soon.
Proper fire sounds wonderful! Hope you get warm and are able to rest today lovely.
How are you doing? You sound more hopeful but I’m wondering if you are?
Strugglingmum
11-01-20, 10:14 PM
How are you doing? You sound more hopeful but I’m wondering if you are?
You are very perceptive
Do you want to talk about it?
What's really going on love?
Strugglingmum
12-01-20, 02:19 PM
Nothing new to say. I get up and do each day because i have to. I get up and battle the fact that i dont want to be here but have to be because they need me and i dont want to hurt them again. i get up, get dressed, do whatever it takes to get through the day but it doesn't change the fact that i dont want to do any of it. I would rather not wake up in the morning.I do life each day because A and my kids deserve better. They make me have to choose to live, to make plans, to give them hope and a future. I would rather not.
I take my meds, go out, exercise, meet people, volunteer, learn new things, do my hobbies, be mum, be wife........ to be honest it is all completely empty. It's for them. I don't want them to see I've given up. I don't want them to think I haven't tried everything. They deserve me to try. So I try.
Jaquaia
12-01-20, 02:41 PM
Sometimes trying is all we can do
That post is so sad.... Are you talking to your care team or A about how you are really feeling? I get the feeling you aren't.....
Strugglingmum
12-01-20, 04:36 PM
That post is so sad.... Are you talking to your care team or A about how you are really feeling? I get the feeling you aren't.....
Yeah my team know. I'm always honest with them.
I'm glad you're always honest with them - what about A? How much of all this does he actually know because you've told him?
I wish you’d talk to A. How much have you talked to him about the diagnosis?
Strugglingmum
15-01-20, 02:55 PM
I think the increase in vortioxetine is starting to have an effect. I feel a slight lift in my mood.
YAY!!!
Have you talked to A about how you are feeling etc?
Thats brilliant sweetie x
Strugglingmum
16-01-20, 12:18 PM
I'm tired today and a bit wading through treacle but my mood is still a bit lighter than it was last week. I know its still a roller coaster and its really early days but its the first light I've seen in a long long time. I've eaten a good breakfast and plan to swim later. Really trying to up my water intake. I'm great with coffee but not so great remembering water. i got a hug off my daughter last night. Ie she walked up to me with her arms out and hugged me. First time in a few years. Its been such baby steps rebuilding her Faith and trust in me. It's been so hard and exhausting hiding how I truly feel a lot of the time but that hug made it all worth it. I exist for them.
Jaquaia
16-01-20, 12:26 PM
That sounds really positive
That’s wonderful news! Brought tears to my eyes :)
OldMike
16-01-20, 03:58 PM
That's marvelous, I'm glad things are on the up (panda)
That's so fantastic! I'm so pleased for you!
Strugglingmum
16-01-20, 07:20 PM
My daughter hugged me again today.
How are you today lovely?
Hope everything gets a bit better each day. There's nothing quite like a hug from our children, it's better than having all the money in the world.(panda)
Strugglingmum
17-01-20, 01:50 PM
A wee bit tougher today but no 2 days in life are the same. I'm still convinced that my mood is lifting a bit with the increase in meds. That's 3 weeks now of the increase so it's still early days. At home today so just plodding through. I finished crochet a top for myself last night so just need to sew it together. We are going to a gospel concert in a local church tonight. Im a bit anxious about it but once I'm there I'm sure I'll enjoy it.
I'm eating a bit better although I'm down 2lbs this week. However I do swim a lot so that probably explains it. A has stopped complaining about me not eating enough so I must be doing ok.
I spoke to one of the employment officers at the training centre I go to. She is organising a work experience placement for me 1 morning a week for 3 months in the civil service. It's a scheme they have and its a ) to let me see if I could work in admin and b) to give me experience to put on a CV if I was to apply for a job in admin.
I've never worked in an office so I don't know if it would work for me but this way I get to try it out. I just need to wait for a placement to become available. I think I'm feeling positive about it all ( it was me who asked for it). I'm feeling the need to try and move life on a bit but this gives me the opportunity to do it in baby steps and a protected way.
That sounds awesome :) well done for finding out about that scheme
That does sound good! So many positives! :)
Hi, lovely, how’s things?
Strugglingmum
23-01-20, 01:52 PM
Still riding a roller coaster but I'm ok. Gritting my teeth.
That doesn't sound totally positive love....
Strugglingmum
23-01-20, 05:20 PM
That doesn't sound totally positive love....
I'm Sorry. Its not totally there yet but I do feel that I'm seeing glimpses of light, but its slow. Like anyone, some days are harder than others. some days I'm hopeful that the meds are working and other days it feels like nothing is ever going to work and I'm just kidding myself.
Tuesday, Wednesday were not good at all. Today isn't great but I went for a walk on the beach with the dog. I'm a bit narky and everyone is irritating me. I've no patience and I'm really agitated and anxious. I just want to be left alone and noone speak to me or expect anything from me. I feel completely messed up in my head and too tired to figure it all out. Yet I know my sleep has improved, my appetite has improved and I'm not being too over controlling about what I eat. Still really up and down
I used to feel that when I first started lithium. I couldn’t feel it working which it was. This was because it isn’t sedating.
Jaquaia
23-01-20, 05:44 PM
It took me around 6 months to notice just how much it had helped. You're doing great (panda)
I think most of us have been there, lovely. And I always found it hard when my mood lifted a bit but I still hadn’t the energy or motivation to do the things I knew were good for me. You are fighting, and you are getting there
I can't agree with the others enough. You are doing brilliantly lovely...
magie06
24-01-20, 01:40 PM
Hey hunny. Just sending a few hugs your way. (panda)(panda)
Strugglingmum
25-01-20, 01:45 PM
so last night I celebrated my birthday with my lovely family. I smiled and I laughed and I actually thought.... yip I want more of this.
The anxiety and self doubt etc that it took me to get to that point however nearly ruined the night. I couldn't decide what to wear and I don't mean the usual female, I have nothing to wear, I mean actual unable to make a choice.... we went to our local, it really didn't matter but I felt if I made the wrong choice the whole night would be ruined. I ended up sobbing hysterically until my daughter picked something out of my wardrobe and told me to put it on. My head was telling me I was fat and ugly and my hair wasn't right etc etc etc. However after a glass of wine I loosened up a bit and my lovely family made me laugh and enjoy the meal and spending time with them.
Today of course I'm berating myself for eating so much and feeling a failure for giving in to temptation and being greedy. Today I'm not wanting to eat etc. Still riding that roller coaster!!
Right, well I've seen your pics on FB and you looked stunning! You're really pretty and your hair is so awesome! Your family pics radiated laughter and love.
We all feel like that at times love, and I'm so glad your daughter helped you. Maybe you two could go out together and get her to help you to pick something to wear so you break it off before it gets to an anxiety issue?
You and your daughter having a really girly moment is just wonderful. Regardless of what it took to get you there, that must have felt like a lovely moment?
To be honoust now I am curious what you look like :) But I do not have facebook. I do believe Suzi and what she said about how you look. Because I feel I am the same way you are with that. It is such a shame having those doubts and thoughts holding us back. From what I know about you from this place I can see you are a beautiful woman.
How are you doing now?
What a lovely post, Mira.
Morning, gorgeous lady. How are you?
I agree with Paula, Mira that's a beautiful post. So lovely and so true.
Strugglingmum
29-01-20, 02:59 PM
Thank you so much Mira. You are always so kind to me.
I'm not great on the whole photo thing but when I get a chance to fire up the laptop I'll try sharing a photo. I never manage it on my phone!!!
Strugglingmum
15-02-20, 11:41 PM
The last couple of weeks have been strange. At times I have felt that things may be improving slightly , yet others I have been in the depths of darkness.
Through it all I have to say, regular swimming is helping me keep my head together.
Are the improving days becoming more frequent?
And I agree, I find swimming soothes my soul
I agree, are things getting brighter over the week? Could you try a mood diary to try to keep a note?
Strugglingmum
16-02-20, 06:31 PM
I've kept a mood diary before, my problem is I can never decide how my mood is. I'm a bit of a disaster. Onesie day today after a poor night. I find I don't maybe have bright days but stand out moments. I think that's an improvement.
Would it be easier to just write down a score out of 10? No explanations, just a number?
Or a smiley face? Divide it into things like morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, night?
Strugglingmum
16-02-20, 09:32 PM
Or a smiley face? Divide it into things like morning, lunch, afternoon, evening, night?
Yes I think I need to break each day down into segments as things change a lot during the day.
I know that's how it makes sense for me...
Strugglingmum
17-02-20, 08:45 PM
There's a programme on BBC 1 at 9pm about PTSD. I'm recording it. A friend is watching it first to see if it might be triggering before I watch it.
I'm watching it later too....
That’s sensible getting your friend to watch it
Strugglingmum
20-02-20, 06:33 PM
Heading away tomorrow for the weekend. Leading a youth weekend. My daughter turns 18 tomorrow so she is going with me as a leader. Should be fun.
Hope you have fun lovely! Happy 18th to your daughter too!
OldMike
21-02-20, 02:26 PM
Enjoy your weekend away SMum, Happy Birthday SMum's daughter, seeing you posted it was tomorrow yesterday that makes it today :8)
Hope you're all having a good weekend and that I is having a wonderful day!
Strugglingmum
29-02-20, 01:12 PM
I've realised that I'm actually not that well at the moment. Will phone my CPN on Monday to talk things through. I think I need a bit more help at the moment.
Want to talk about how you are feeling and what's in your head? Can you/have you talked it through with A?
Strugglingmum
29-02-20, 02:55 PM
yeah A knows. I promised him I would seek help.
I have very negative thoughts. I've been googling suicide techniques. I've been dreaming of actually carrying out some ways. It all seems very logical and what I must do. When I wake up I can think of nothing but carrying out what I dreamed.
Dear SM if you are in danger of hurting yourself then you need to get help ASAP. If that means OH taking you to A and E then that must happen quickly. In the UK we also have 111 if I don’t know what the equivalent is in Ireland. Either way I think that you need help x
I’m with EJ, hunni you need to talk to someone sooner than Monday. Can you call crisis line? Samaritans?
Is A with you, are you safe?
I completely agree with the others. You need help and you need it now.
Sweetheart how long have you been feeling like this?
Please stay away from google, it is not your friend.
Strugglingmum
29-02-20, 09:28 PM
I'm ok. I'm safe. please don't worry. They all took me out tonight to spend time as a family to remind me I'm part of them. We had a meal together and stopped at the pub on the way home to buy my daughter her first legal drink. I'm with them all ...... and the dog.
OldMike
01-03-20, 09:23 AM
(bear) (panda)
Strugglingmum
01-03-20, 05:29 PM
I'm ok thanks
Not sure I believe you.....
Really ok, or pretending and hoping to be ok?
Strugglingmum
01-03-20, 11:27 PM
Contacting CPN in the morning.
Good. Are you still talking to A?
How are you this morning lovely?
Strugglingmum
02-03-20, 10:41 PM
Been a long day getting help. Psychology and CPN first thing in the morning again.
A keeping an eye on me this evening.... that was the deal on me coming home today.
Allalone
03-03-20, 07:37 AM
Well done hun. Keep fighting.xx
How are you doing today love? Honestly?
Are you able to rest today?
Strugglingmum
03-03-20, 10:08 PM
I was at the hospital for 9 am. Psychology appt. CPN at 10 ish. Anyway by the time I came out after 11 I was signed back up with Home Treatment Team. I went to the centre for a couple of hours but I physically feel awful so I came home and slept this afternoon. I got up for a couple of hours but came back to bed at 8:30. Not sleeping but lying resting my body. Anyway htt at 11 tomorrow
Sounds to me you were honest today, and I’m proud of you. Will be thinking of you tomorrow morning (bear)
I am so proud of you for asking for extra support and for being open and honest with them so that they can put things in place to help. What does A say about it?
Allalone
04-03-20, 10:49 AM
It’s so good you’re getting the support. Thinking about you.xx
Strugglingmum
04-03-20, 10:17 PM
not a great day. finally retreated to bed. feeling really sick and nauseated
Allalone
04-03-20, 10:41 PM
Take care. Sending hugs. (bear)(panda)
Hey gorgeous, sorry yesterday wasn't a good day.
How are you today lovely? Are the HTT coming out to you today?
Strugglingmum
05-03-20, 08:19 AM
I'm going to them for 11. Taking daughter to Tech and going for a swim first.
Strugglingmum
12-03-20, 05:34 PM
So tonight my daughters boyfriend is coming for dinner for the first time since they went 'official'. They have been together for almost a year but because of their age gap, we were all very quiet about it until she turned 18. Can't believe they are talking about marriage in 2 years time. However, it is definitely something to try and look forward to and want to be around for. Wedding talk is hilarious as they are both quite different from traditional.
What's the age gap? I hope the dinner goes really well! What do you all think of him? Is he good enough for our erm, I mean your Princess? Do I need to give him the "what are your intentions?" talk? I'm quite happy to do so..... ;)
Strugglingmum
12-03-20, 10:12 PM
(rofl)
So there is nearly 10 yrs between them but we have known him all our lives and they have been friends for years. They have both said it was a bit of a shock to them when they realised that their feelings had changed to more. He is a good guy, would do anything for her, obviously adores her. He can also be a bit opinionated and there is nothing makes me smile to myself more than listening to her tell him he is being an idiot and to wind his neck in. ( or words to that effect) They both have a really strong Faith and compliment and encourage each other very well. They enjoy doing the same hobbies, interests etc. A and I don't have any issues with them........ my eldest son however is struggling to accept it but you know, its his wee sister and he has been threatening her with a convent since she turned 13. I've told him he needs to get with the programme and learn to live with it. (giggle)
Aww that's so wonderful! How was dinner?
How are you today love?
Jaquaia
13-03-20, 09:10 AM
Awww that's brilliant!!!
Strugglingmum
13-03-20, 10:02 AM
Dinner went well and we played trivial pursuit on the switch after dinner for a while.
I am exhausted today. I was lying in bed awake for hours but I've only just got up and had breakfast. I'm planning a swim at some point this afternoon. I'm going to take the dog for a walk I think this morning. Another day of distracting. No appointments today so just keeping my head down and getting on with it.
I'm not surprised you're exhausted, you're fighting so hard and that's exhausting.. Be kind to you today.
Can I ask, do you have a stash of meds building again?
Strugglingmum
16-03-20, 08:00 PM
Seen Dr today. New meds regime prescribed. Bank holiday here tomorrow so will be Wednesday before I get them and get started on them. Relieved to feel listened to.
So glad you've been listened to. What are you swapping to?
Strugglingmum
16-03-20, 10:41 PM
Stop quetiapine, start respiridone.
Night sedation for a short time
Diazepam 3 times a day
Stay on vortioxetine for now.
How are you today lovely? Have you talked it all through with A?
Strugglingmum
17-03-20, 01:20 PM
yup he's fully up to date.
Heading up the road to the town this afternoon to drop my son to work and to swim I imagine this will be my last swim for a while. Feeling anxious as to how else I'm going to be able to clear my head over next few weeks.
Yeah, I understand that - it’s going to be a tough time ....
It's not going to be easy, but maybe we can all help to come up with some ideas? Fern has a boxing bag... I might give that a go ;)
You're not posting, are you OK?
Strugglingmum
19-03-20, 03:42 PM
Started new meds last night so slept a bit better. My mood is low and like everyone I'm anxious but not of catching covid-19 but the restrictions that are happening. All the things you build into your life to help you cope are being demolished. I am not arguing against the restrictions but acknowledging that I'm struggling with all that it means.
I'm glad you're acknowledging those feelings. What things can you build in differently? Instead of swimming can you walk somewhere? Maybe take up running? Doing exercises following a youtube tutorial etc?
I’m missing my swimming but am trying to walk every day and doing yoga exercises. It’s not the same but at least I feel I’m doing something....
Strugglingmum
22-03-20, 06:37 PM
I know there's a lot worse going on in the world but no cards at all. I bought myself a wee bunch of tulips but that's my Mothers Day total. C gave me a hug and said Happy Mothers Day, Ion said Happy Mothers Day, I love you, but no hug, the eldest has not even realised its Mother's Day. I've ordered a takeaway for tea, I haven't the heart to cook.
I know this one is really silly but with isolation our church bought a load of little pots of pansys and delivered one to the doorstep of every woman in the church with a little flag in them from the church. We live so farcawayvI didn't get one. Everyone was on Facebook saying thank you for their plant and I couldn't join in . I'm so selfish but sad.
That’s not selfish - you deserve to be spoilt. I’m sorry, hunni
Jaquaia
22-03-20, 07:30 PM
Definitely not selfish (panda)
Not selfish, I didn't get anything either, and I had to cook.... I've had "oh I'm sorry I didn't realise" or "as I forgot I'll make you a cake" - guess what? No cake...
You aren't selfish, it hurts and somewhat with things as they are it felt even more important today..... (panda)(bear)
Allalone
22-03-20, 09:46 PM
It’s not selfish.
I’ve been fortunate this year but had years exactly like yours. You deserve to be spoilt, you too Suzi. I can’t do much apart from sending love and hugs. (panda)(bear)
How are you SM? How are you doing?
Hey, lovely, how are you doing?
Strugglingmum
26-03-20, 06:04 PM
Hey all. We are all at home for the time being. A has taken a weeks holiday as has my eldest. C is off work as KFC have closed. Ion has been doing college work from home and the building site is closed. We go to the local shop if necessary and I try to get out once a day to walk/run.
We are trying to follow all govt directions.
I'm still here.
Well done love. Am really glad you're following the guidelines. How are you all getting on together?
Strugglingmum
26-03-20, 09:44 PM
So far we are all still breathing, although today I was going to stab one for whistling and another for drumming on the table (rofl)
I know the feeling, I’m having to take myself into another room before I say something I’ll regret!
Oh no! :)
Can you send them all on "special projects?" Create ideas for each of them to go and research, plan, design and execute? At least it keeps them away from you and busy! :)
Jaquaia
27-03-20, 09:48 AM
It's easier for me as I can kick J out to the workshop and he's happy!!! (giggle)
Strugglingmum
27-03-20, 11:00 AM
I know the feeling, I’m having to take myself into another room before I say something I’ll regret!
I spent a lot of yesterday in my room reading but you know what? I enjoyed it. I haven't been able to read in a long long time. Tidying the other day I found a series of lightweight romance so thought I'd try again..... I'm on book 5!!! Ok its not War and Peace but by the time I finish the page I still have a good idea of what happened on the first line so that's a huge improvement.
Today at 1pm we are doing our knit and matter via Zoom so it will be lovely to see everyone and just chat..... I think (hope) covid -19 will be a banned topic!!
I've my run/walk done today. I ran 4.6k and then walked 3.5k home again..... if I only go out to exercise once a day I'm making it worth my while.... not that I ever meet anyone.
Home, showered and going to see wgats on the list to bake today(giggle)
Wow! That was such a great post!
That really IS an AWESOME post! You sound so much more settled and sound happy!
OldMike
27-03-20, 12:18 PM
Brilliant post, I'm glad you're enjoying reading again *cough* "The Screen Legends Quiz* still time to enter" *cough* did someone say something (giggle)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mike! I want to win this one erm... I mean, I am going to win this one, there's no point in anyone else entering!
Stella180
27-03-20, 04:30 PM
If your quizzing is anything like your banter, I’ve got this in the bag ;)
Strugglingmum
27-03-20, 04:54 PM
Brilliant post, I'm glad you're enjoying reading again *cough* "The Screen Legends Quiz* still time to enter" *cough* did someone say something (giggle)
On it now Mike. Keep the door open for me. X
Strugglingmum
28-03-20, 06:39 PM
Telephone contact with home treatment team today. They plan to discharge me on Wednesday..... I can't wait. It's just not working out, especially as its all phone contact. Most of the treatment they had been doing was OT which just isn't working for me over the phone. I think they plan to review my meds Monday/Tuesday and then hand me back to my CPN Wednesday.
Stella180
28-03-20, 06:51 PM
Not all treatments are suitable for all people and being in lockdown doesn't make things easier.
How much contact will you have with your CPN?
Are you still having suicidal thoughts?
Strugglingmum
29-03-20, 08:46 AM
Are you still having suicidal thoughts?
I am. A is going to take more leave from work to be home with me for longer.
The team only phone me twice a week now anyway as there is nothing they can do treatment wise. I actually think my CPN will be better as she listens to me and hears what I say. Most of the HTT don't make me feel listened to.They tell you to phone in if you're struggling but then it doesn't feel like they want to hear.... maybe it's just me being frustrated. I'm sure other patients find them wonderful. X
I'm so glad you're talking to A though this. Are you being totally honest with him about how you are feeling? Have you told him about your diagnosis yet?
I think that the current circumstances make everything more difficult, but if this isn't working for you then maybe you're right and talking to your CPN will be a good thing...
Stella180
29-03-20, 12:42 PM
I know what you mean. I’ve contacted the crisis team a couple of times their “solutions” are laughable. Have been told to take a cold shower, flick elastic bands, and take my meds and sleep it off. Don’t know what I expect but it never feels like enough.
Strugglingmum
31-03-20, 10:52 PM
Psychology by phone this morning.... well that was different! Was actually good to her. Appointment for next week again. x
How are you feeling overall? Did you find somewhere quiet to have your appointment? How are things going with A?
Strugglingmum
01-04-20, 04:22 PM
like all important phone calls it was taken in the car. it's my go to for privacy and quietness.
I spoke to my CPN today so I am back under her care which I'm happy about. We had a good chat and will talk to her again on Friday. A and I are good. I baked today and he drove me to a friend's home to drop off some banana bread and scones for her and her hubby. They are both self isolating so just wanted to take them something and had a quick chat through the window....at a distance. It was lovely to see their smiles and hear their voices.
Stella180
01-04-20, 04:24 PM
Ahhh that’s really sweet of you to thing of others in that way. Fair play to you, I’m sure your kindness has made their day
I'm glad you got some privacy for your appointment and that she's talking to you again on Friday.
I'm sure those friends were really, really grateful!
You really are a lovely person :)
Strugglingmum
02-04-20, 04:17 PM
A bit of a blah day. Need to dig up a bit of get up and go. Have had my walk and done a bit of yoga but otherwise a bit of a wasted day. :(
A day with resting and pacing isn't a wasted day, it's a recharging day.... ;)
OldMike
02-04-20, 05:47 PM
What Suzi says recharging days are to be cherished in this hectic world.
A day with resting and pacing isn't a wasted day, it's a recharging day.... ;)
Couldn’t agree more :)
Morning lovely, how are you today?
Strugglingmum
03-04-20, 12:46 PM
Hey all. Didn't sleep as well last night but I knew yesterday was a tough day so probably due to that.
Got up and went for a run to try and blow the cobwebs away but still feeling as if it's another tough day.
have eaten, showered, have the Bolognese made for later. Think I'm going to take it easy this afternoon, although I do need to go collect tablets from the chemist.
You seem to be not beating yourself up so much atm, is that fair to say?
That sounds like a good plan love...
Strugglingmum
03-04-20, 07:12 PM
Telephone appointment with my CPN today. All continuing as before. Went out and collected my prescriptions and got some bread and milk in. A got a phone call from work. He is being furloughed for 8 weeks.
Keeping the crochet hook moving. Still feeling a bit agitated and out of sorts... but as my CPN reminded me, this is why you have some PRN diazepam to take when nothing else works. I always forget about having a meds option before I hit SH.
Anyway Went out for a walk and got totally soaked in a hail shower. Typical. A onesie evening.
OOO I'd love to go for a walk and get caught in the rain!
I'm glad you have the meds if you need it lovely...
Strugglingmum
04-04-20, 01:17 AM
Is A on the 80%?
As far as I know that's the plan
Stella180
04-04-20, 01:36 AM
I hope so. With the other support in place regarding rent and mortgages it should be enough to keep the afloat
Strugglingmum
06-04-20, 12:31 PM
psychology appointment by phone this morning. Still a bit strange but went well.
Have a knit and natter group by zoom today. looking forward to seeing other people tbh.
I used to play music with my daughter but haven't really at all since I took ill. Over the weekend we had a session. She played guitar, I was on the ukulele. I had lost all my confidence in my ability to play but by the end I was enjoying it and starting to remember things we used to play. She is determined to make me do it again soon.
I have been crocheting little frontline bears for my nurse friends and posting them out. I have felt very useless recently that I can't work and be back nursing again and helping out where there is need. It has been getting me down even though I know deep down I can't do it. So this is my way to help. A bear, packet of love hearts and a card in a parcel through the post. Hopefully it will make someone smile and help them put their scrubs back on for another shift. Also, if I'm in the middle of a bear for someone, I can't let the suicidal thoughts win...... that would let them down. Just another strategy to get thru the worst times.
magie06
06-04-20, 01:41 PM
What a lovely idea. I love the idea of the bears, the love hearts and the home made card. Well done.
I've started knitting little nurses. I'll send them to my nieces who are working in the NHS and can't come home atm.
So many positives in that post! Well done love! I know nurse friends of mine would really appreciate something like that. Awesome idea.
Strugglingmum
08-04-20, 08:47 PM
Phone call with my CPN today. Did a bit out in the garden but also helped my daughter get the sewing machine up and running..... she is making teddy bears!! Did a bit of crochet , went walking, cooked and basically have bounced from 1 activity to the next and back again. A cut the grass and did some strimming.
Oh and I stretched a canvass print of a huge stag onto its frame ready for hanging. Lots of little things but its got the day in.
My sleep is a wee bit off again so just keeping note of it.
How was your chat with the CPN?
Sorry, I don't know how I posted yesterday's reminders on your thread! I've moved all the posts to the right thread - Sorry!
Sounds like you've done loads of things! How's your mood doing lovely?
Strugglingmum
09-04-20, 02:43 AM
cpn chat was good. She listens and is very encouraging. my mood is still low and my thoughts are still racing. I think that is why I'm bouncing from 1 thing to another. distract distract distract. I am trying to engage in projects to support others at this time as it helps me fee useful. tonight I was crocheting bands to put buttons on for hooking mask elastics on to protect users ears. I've about 15 crochet and will sew the buttons on tomorrow/today.
I've been really cross with myself for always being hungry and nibbling but realised today that it could be the increase in my risperidone. I forgot that it can increase your appetite. I'll keep an eye on it anyway. I have been carb craving since last week when it was increased. hindsight is a wonderful thing.
I hope that means you’re not cross with yourself any more? (panda)
It sounds like you're trying to be kinder to yourself. That's awesome!
Strugglingmum
09-04-20, 06:07 PM
I hope that means you’re not cross with yourself any more? (panda)
eeerrrrrrrrrrmmmmmmm. I could lie........ actually today I have been able to control my appetite better, although I didn't walk today to burn any off. I did my beginner yoga again. I am enjoying it, it really does help me slow down my brain a bit even just for a while
Glad you're finding yoga helpful!
Strugglingmum
10-04-20, 11:34 PM
so today I've been reminded why I started swimming for exercise (well one of the reasons) my hip is killing me from walking and running so much. only managed 3.5k today. However I did do my beginners yoga to help stretch out my muscles. I'm amazed at how 'in the moment ' I am able to be with yoga. I'm glad that I tried it..... Thank you lockdown for that.
A and I have decided on a project for us. We are going to buy a van and convert it to a small campervan . We have wanted a campervan for years but can't afford to buy one. Years ago A worked in van conversions so we are going to be brave and take one on as a project. We are looking for a decently priced van. A and my daughter will do the framework, insulation etc and I will be in charge of curtains, bedfoam and covers etc. A is getting expert in finding ways to distract me and keep me busy and focussed on good things. I truly am blessed with him. I don't want to let him down.
Stella180
11-04-20, 05:51 AM
The van sounds like a great project and best part of doing it yourself is you can build to your own specifications. Sounds really exciting.
Wow! What a fab project! I’m slightly envious ;)
I’m glad yoga is helping, I’m still new to it but agree, it keeps me grounded
so today I've been reminded why I started swimming for exercise (well one of the reasons) my hip is killing me from walking and running so much. only managed 3.5k today. However I did do my beginners yoga to help stretch out my muscles. I'm amazed at how 'in the moment ' I am able to be with yoga. I'm glad that I tried it..... Thank you lockdown for that.
I'm glad you are enjoying it. Sorry you're in pain with your hip though lovely...
A and I have decided on a project for us. We are going to buy a van and convert it to a small campervan . We have wanted a campervan for years but can't afford to buy one. Years ago A worked in van conversions so we are going to be brave and take one on as a project. We are looking for a decently priced van. A and my daughter will do the framework, insulation etc and I will be in charge of curtains, bedfoam and covers etc.
That's an AWESOME project! That sounds so much fun! Something to keep everyone involved too!
A is getting expert in finding ways to distract me and keep me busy and focussed on good things. I truly am blessed with him. I don't want to let him down.
I'm glad you're able to keep busy, are you talking to him about how you are feeling? But hunni, I don't think you could ever let him down.....
Strugglingmum
12-04-20, 11:56 AM
https://www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=261828118182441&id=111763915512018
How our church did church this morning.
Your pastor is certainly colourful! :)
Can’t do the link. We had a virtual service and virtual choir singing ‘Thine be the Glory’
Strugglingmum
12-04-20, 04:10 PM
I think Suzi fixed it. EJ
Try now EJ.... Sorry!
The virtual choir sounds fabulous!
Thank you it worked that time xx
Strugglingmum
12-04-20, 07:36 PM
Try now EJ.... Sorry!
The virtual choir sounds fabulous!
Thanks Suzi...... I'm so amazing at tech stuff(shake)
Yes our Pastor is a character but absolutely down to earth and inspiringly in love with Jesus.
That is exactly the vibe I got from him! He's fabulous!
Strugglingmum
13-04-20, 05:41 PM
Today has been very quiet. I took a wee walk, did some yoga and have read most of the day. I did help A for a wee while in the garden but I got cold and grumpy so came inside and lay on the bed to read. I'm frustrated by my lack of get up and go.
I always feel guilty when it's nice outside and I'm sat indoors lazing. I feel like I should be being out and active but my body seems to be set on resting and non activity.
Maybe your body is so busy trying to work on getting better that it's in dire need of rest?
Jaquaia
15-04-20, 09:17 AM
Fatigue is a symptom of depression. Be kind to you and listen to your body.
How, sweetie, how are you doing?
Strugglingmum
16-04-20, 10:56 PM
I've had a few really slow days with little energy. Today was slightly better but realised I forgot 1 dose of my rispiredone so I definitely feel it's the increase that's slowing me down. Have spoken to both my psychologist and CPN yesterday which helped. Got a bit more done around the house today but still feel like I have a lot to do. Anyway, everyone here is ok. Daughter is struggling a bit with lockdown but she will be ok. She took an early night tonight so hopefully a good sleep will help. Much love to everyone
Hopefully once the increase is settled then you shouldn't have the slowing down issues....
Hope that the early night helped your daughter lovely.
Strugglingmum
17-04-20, 11:08 PM
Had a quiet day. Lots of crochet, some cleaning and a walk with my daughter. Everyone here was just in need of a day of no expectations. It has been relaxing and much needed. Hopefully everyone's batteries are recharged.
Jaquaia
17-04-20, 11:32 PM
That sounds really positive
Morning, lovely, how are you doing?
Sounds like a good family recharge day x
OldMike
18-04-20, 01:10 PM
Had a quiet day. Lots of crochet, some cleaning and a walk with my daughter. Everyone here was just in need of a day of no expectations. It has been relaxing and much needed. Hopefully everyone's batteries are recharged.
When in doubt get your hook out and do some crocheting glad you had a relaxing time.
Strugglingmum
18-04-20, 04:40 PM
Today I have emptied and tidied all the drawers in my bedroom and gutted the craft room. Just about to tackle under the stairs!!
Save something for the rest of the lockdown! (rofl)
How’s your mood, lovely?
Blimey, that's a bit hardcore......... You could just have done PE with Joe Wicks!
Stella180
18-04-20, 08:32 PM
Today I have emptied and tidied all the drawers in my bedroom and gutted the craft room.
You are more that welcome to come and organise my craft space. It’s a total mess!
Strugglingmum
18-04-20, 10:10 PM
So confession time. Today I was super productive because I didn't take my risperidone. I am so tired of it making me feel so drained and slowed down. I got so much done today it was super.... and I finished the blanket I was crocheting. Ready to start a new project tomorrow. I know I shouldn't stop the meds and I will take my bedtime dose but I just loved having a bit of get up and go today. I think I need to speak to my team about reducing this again
Jaquaia
18-04-20, 10:52 PM
Definitely speak to your team lovely
Please, please, please, please, please don't not take your meds!
Sweetie, please don’t just stop the meds! Talk to your team first, please
Strugglingmum
24-04-20, 07:02 PM
I have had confirmation from my consultant that it's ok to have reduced my risperidone from 3 times a day to just night time. My cpn had a conversation with him and let me know.
Jaquaia
24-04-20, 07:09 PM
That's sounds positive! Hopefully it will help
Will you keep a note of how you are feeling? Have you spoken to A about it so he knows what's going on just to help support you?
Ok, that’s good. But could you promise me that you’ll take note if A (or us) see a problem?
Strugglingmum
24-04-20, 09:54 PM
I told A that I was reducing it at the time so he knows but is glad to have it confirmed by the consultant. He knows I wasnt coping well with the effects of it so understands but also knows that it means some of my other symptoms aren't as controlled. Hoping to have telephone appt with consultant soon.
I'm so glad you're talking to A about this love, it's important to have him know what's going on so he can help or if he notices something different etc...
How are you today?
Strugglingmum
25-04-20, 04:56 PM
I took a nap this afternoon.... unheard of!!
I got up later than normal, did a few things then went for a walk... about 8k. Came back, got lunch and went to bed for a nap. I know I'm a bit antsy and aggitated but that is actually a bit preferable to how I was feeling with the risperidone and the side effects, it had increased my prolactin levels and it was causing me to feel a bit crap. I do have some diazepam I can take if I'm really struggling with agitation and harmful thoughts although I dont take them as I'm so scared of getting addicted to them. I'm a bit unfocused today and not great at goal setting but I have washing done and on the line, kitchen floor hoovered and been out to get milk and bread. I will crochet later. That could be the total for today but considering I didn't want to get up this morning I'll just have to go with it.
Jaquaia
25-04-20, 05:10 PM
That sounds like plenty to me
Taking diazepam at irregular intervals and/or doses is unlikely to cause addiction. Taking the odd one when you really need it won’t do you any harm, lovely, and is exactly why you were prescribed them
That sounds to me like you've done loads for the day! Definitely use the diazepam if needed hunnni. It's important to use it when you need it - otherwise you would never have been prescribed it lovely!
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