View Full Version : Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*
Strugglingmum
21-11-19, 08:46 PM
I'm very stressed at the moment. My eldest is waiting to find out if he will be one of the staff to lose their jobs from his company. I've been having panic attacks with palpitations. I have a constant sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm trying to be supportive and encouraging but I'm terrified, both of the fact of him losing his job but also the fact that I'm not coping with it all. I feel just a little out of control. There are very few job opportunities anywhere near us in his line of work. I'm trying to distract and keep busy but I didn't make it out to my floristry yesterday and only went out today to drop off an order and to the GP surgery to order my script.
On the positive, my hubby works in the same company and his job is safe.
(panda) no wonder you’re anxious. Are you using any of your coping mechanisms?
Strugglingmum
21-11-19, 09:00 PM
Yes I've been practicing my mindfulness and meditation, deep breathing etc
Distracting with my crochet hook as ever although I'm finding it hard to enjoy it atm
Do you listen to a mindfulness app or something similar?
When things like that happen its understandable that you feel that way. How is your eldest coping with it?
And its ok to be supportive and encouraging and be terrified. It can all exist together. And its not wrong or bad.
Strugglingmum
21-11-19, 09:26 PM
I have a CD that was made for me with my psychologist. We designed it specifically for my needs, reactions etc. It's very good and does help me ground etc.
Thank you Mira. He is very stressed worrying about having to sell his car to pay off the loan on it etc. and trying to find a new job doing what he is trained to do. I'm telling him it will all work out, we'll get thru it together, something will come up but we all know good jobs are very hard to find.
I’m really sorry to hear this.
Sorry to hear about your sons worrys about his job sweetie,
That is a worry. I'm glad you're using your coping strategies, but why not talk about it here before now? It helps to get it all out of your head.....
Crochet - are you making something you enjoy to make? When Marc was ill last I started what I call my stress blanket. It's really simple - just a big granny square, but made with odds and ends of yarn. So it takes very little concentration and I can just do it....
Strugglingmum
22-11-19, 10:59 AM
wet and windy here today. Ridiculously thete is not a single sentence in my head to say other than that.
Its all ok. Just saying anything is better then being silent. We care about how you are doing. And want to spend so many (bear) hugs.
We could even start a thread with weird sentences that pop in our heads :)
Not ridiculous at all sweetie, you know you can say as little or as much as you want but also will also be listened to, its cold here today but at least stopped raining, How are you doing ?
Strugglingmum
22-11-19, 01:13 PM
I'm ok. I'm getting ready to go out. I'm taking my middle child to work, going for a swim and picking my youngest up from college. Well when I say I'm getting ready.... I'm thinking about what I need to do.... I'm still in my onesie and probably will be til the last minute. I've a feeling the achievement level today is going to be the basics......although I did fold some laundry. Desire..... crawl into bed, pull the duvet over the head and stay there. Thankful that my needy teens mean I can't do that..... I have to go out.
Basics is fine, you’re doing just what you need to do today
Basics is fine - just don't go quiet ;) It's always better to talk about it all....
Strugglingmum
22-11-19, 07:42 PM
My son got told today that his job is safe. I thought I would feel a lot brighter about it but I still feel a bit strung out. It's like even with the good news I can't get any sort of equilibrium. I did swim today and just lay on my back in the water for a while after my lengths letting the sound of the water in my ears just soothe me a bit. It did help. At least I feel able to pick up my hook and crochet. My CPN dropped a workbook through my door today on building resilience so I'm going to try and start at it over the weekend and try the first task.
Thats great news for you son about his job, it has been stressful so can take time to get over that sweetie. Though am glad that the swim has helped xx
I agree with Angie. It has been a stressful moment. And a long moment. So that will take a while I guess. But what a good way to go into the weekend. He must be happy.
I’m not surprised you’re feeling strung out, it’s hard to climb down from that level of stress straight away
Such good news! In our house we call it an anxiety/stress hangover.... It'll take a while to settle love....
Strugglingmum
23-11-19, 04:06 PM
Up and out early this morning as son had to be in work for 9:30am. Did the shopping and picked up a few extra bits for Christmas. Can't get excited about Christmas presises at all but I now have a Turkey in the feezer and some crackers(the kind for cheese as its all about the cheese) in the cupboard. finding it hard to settle to anything. I've half watched a couple of movies but not really achieved anything.
You’ve achieved loads today, far more than I have...
Strugglingmum
23-11-19, 07:08 PM
Pitch Perfect 2 is now on Netflix. Watched it this afternoon while I did the ironing. Fire lit and I think crochet the rest of the night.
You are doing great and sounds like an evening well spend.
You've achieved more than I have today! Well done lovely.
How was the movie? It sounded so nice with the fire lit. My house is from the 30's and used to have a fireplace but they took it out years ago. I miss it so much.
How are you doing love? Did you sleep well?
Strugglingmum
24-11-19, 11:11 AM
I didn't manage to pick up my hook last night, I'm just feeling so agitated I'm finding it hard to settle to anything.
I went to bed fairly early and took a sleeping tablet so I slept fairly well though a bit groggy today. Didn't manage to get up and out to church so trying to come up with an idea for today. I want to take the dig out but just finding it tough to get the motivation.
I can relate to feeling that way. Try to be kind to yourself. Its all ok. You are ok.
Who knows. You might get an idea. Or just relax. Sunday is a nice day to not put pressure on yourself.
Absolutely be kind to you. What about snuggling watching movie or something?
Strugglingmum
24-11-19, 05:04 PM
Took the dog a long walk just before lunchtime..... it did us both good to walk along the shore....well she ran like a thing possessed. I'm glad I went. The walk help eased my agitation a bit. I came back, had lunch and then spent the afternoon clearing out cupboards and filling bags for the charity shop..... my landing is full!! Also a pile of stuff for the dump and recycling. I feel like I achieved something and that has really helped. Tonight after dinner I hope to lift my hook and craft for a while. I haven't managed to lift it in a couple of days due to feeling so agitated so hopefully tonight I've done enough to be able to settle. I think a movie will be in order. My son has put Netflix on my laptop so 'I can have movies wherever I go', even in my craft room.
You’ve achieved loads. Well done
Thanks for writing this update. You gave me a smile. I like how you turned it around and go out for a lovely walk. It seems that helped you do those other things as well. Awesome.
So proud of you!!!!
Are you hooking for orders or enjoyment?
Strugglingmum
24-11-19, 10:33 PM
So tonight it took a while but I did eventually pick up my hook and worked for a couple of hours.
Suzi I find these days if I'm not actually doing orders I'm looking for things that might sell and working up a sample to put on my page.
I rarely crochet for me, its mostly baby stuff.
What about doing something for you? I'm doing the Rosetta swirl CAL and I'm loving it. It's a different style of crochet (tapestry crochet) and it's really pretty. This is the main webpage - but it's on FB - you should add me as a friend, I can add you to the hooking groups!
https://www.scheepjes.com/en/cals-and-mals/scheepjes-cals/scheepjes-cal-2019/information/
Strugglingmum
24-11-19, 10:55 PM
Oooooo its gorgeous Suzi.
After Christmas I will maybe find a new project. Thank you, (bear)
That does look awesome. My mum is into crochet as well. She made minions for my sister and they looked very good.
I was wondering what you are doing for yourself these days? Something that you do not have to.
Minions? That's really cool!
SM sometimes you just need to do something for you!
How are you this morning hunnipie?
OldMike
25-11-19, 10:06 AM
I'm glad you're finding time to do some crochet, maybe crochet something for yourself as Suzi said.
magie06
25-11-19, 11:51 AM
Hi there. Leaving you some love and lots of hugs. (bear)
Strugglingmum
25-11-19, 05:07 PM
hi all.
I had an early start with a psychology appointment at 9am. Then I went to the day centre and worked in the kitchen all day. Left there, went for a swim and I'm proud to say hit my target of 40 lengths.... that's 1km. I'm so pleased as when I started a few months ago I struggled to do 10 lengths and even that was with rests in between. Today I did 40 without stopping.
picked my wee chick up and home and have tea on.
I definitely have more energy since I started sleeping better..... it's trying to work out what to do with it. I was talking with my psychologist today about it and she has lots of ideas. She wants me to find a creative outlet that is just for me. As she said, it's great you have energy to do housework but you are not the type to be fulfilled by that, you need to have an idea of producing something fulfilling. I'm musing over a couple of ideas and trying not to feel overwhelmed.... baby steps.
there's every possibility that tonight's creative venture will be the tree(nod)
I know it’s been a long journey, but I’m really starting to see a change in your mood :). Maybe the meds are starting to work? And well done on the swimming - that’s awesome!
Strugglingmum
25-11-19, 05:50 PM
I know it’s been a long journey, but I’m really starting to see a change in your mood :). Maybe the meds are starting to work? And well done on the swimming - that’s awesome!
I do hope so Paula. I still feel a bit flat which makes it hard when I've got extra energy, it comes out as agitation but I think talking it through with my psychologist has helped me understand it a bit better.
Baby steps is a good idea. And how swell that you are sleeping better. (I think swell is an old fashioned word. I love old fashioned :)
And that is a lot of swimming. Good one.
Jaquaia
25-11-19, 06:24 PM
You're doing brilliantly
I'm so proud of you! Well done for talking things through with your psychologist. I'm really glad that they've helped you work through things..
Strugglingmum
25-11-19, 08:47 PM
So this evening as per norm Mr SM fell asleep. When he awoke i had Christmasified the house. .... I stopped short of putting the tree up.... well my daughter put one up on the landing. I have all the decorations up and garlands etc and..... I'm not calling him the Grinch but lets just say the disapproval is oozing from him..... seriously he's so grumpy you would think I sacrificed our firstborn!!!
You know what.... it got me through the agitation of the evening, it made me smile to do it and it makes me smile when I look at them. My daughter and I giggled together at being naughty and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. You know how much it means to me to connect with her..... he can grump away!!! I told him.... it made me smile, my daughter spent time with me, if you can't get past your... no decorations in November rule, I really don't care. I am 47 yrs old, I joint own our house and if I want to put up a bit of tinsel to make me smile I'll damn well do it....... I may be looking someone to rehome me(giggle)
I am loving it. Spending this kind of time with your daughter is priceless. And it sounds like it was a great deal of fun. I would put the decorations up in June if its this much fun.
Seeing how it helped you and made a good connection with your daughter makes it worth while.
I do hope that the grumpyness will fade soon.
That’s brilliant! And I completely agree with you - whatever makes you and your daughter happy is totally worth it!
Woohoo!!!! Go you!!!! Now I feel that I might need to dust off the special Christmas part of the forum.....
OldMike
26-11-19, 08:43 AM
SMum that made smile good on you and your daughter, it's been a long while since I decorated my house for Christmas as a kid we had a tree made out of a chimney sweep's brush we knew how to live in the 1950's (giggle)
You don't get a Christmas tree or have sparkly fairy lights Mike?
I remember my mum telling me that growing up they had propper candles in the tree. I know its dangerous. But it must have been such a gorgous sight. Normaly I decorate the house. But I might pass this year.
Do you have any decorations around the house Mike? Maybe something traditional from germany that uses candles to move something? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_pyramidhttp://
Just saw that the link was not correct.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_pyramid
This one works better. Sorry for that.
Strugglingmum
26-11-19, 06:46 PM
It's beautiful Mira. I have one of these which is a nativity scene. We got it at a German Christmas market so that figures. I love watching it spin.
Those are beautiful! :)
Has your hubby got any less grumpy about it all SM?
Strugglingmum
26-11-19, 08:14 PM
mmmmmmmmm....... he's still a bit green and hairy!!!
Jaquaia
26-11-19, 08:19 PM
Give it time, it's December on Sunday, his heart may grow 3 sizes ;)
Thats awesome that you have one SM. I am still looking for a good one to get.
So hubby has not melted yet with all those lovely decorations :)
mmmmmmmmm....... he's still a bit green and hairy!!!
(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
magie06
26-11-19, 09:55 PM
I have a feeling that I'll have one of those on my hands this weekend. I'm hoping to get the tree up on Friday. Hubby would like to put the tree up on Christmas Eve and take it down on Boxing day. I've given in for a quiet life, but this year Ais is very excited about Christmas, so I'm going to go along with her.
Strugglingmum
26-11-19, 10:06 PM
I have a feeling that I'll have one of those on my hands this weekend. I'm hoping to get the tree up on Friday. Hubby would like to put the tree up on Christmas Eve and take it down on Boxing day. I've given in for a quiet life, but this year Ais is very excited about Christmas, so I'm going to go along with her.
Go for it!!! Have the best fun doing it.
I've still my main tree to do. I'm choosing my moment carefully!!!!
Lol, I'm having similar issues! :)
Jaquaia
26-11-19, 10:27 PM
I'm working on James to really Christmas-ify his house this year!
And I really want to watch the Grinch now...
Oooo I didn’t like the Grinch - that little girl was creepy
Strugglingmum
27-11-19, 06:00 PM
Another busyish day. I dropped my daughter to the bus this morning but lay down when I came back.... I just wasn't feeling it. Had to take my son to the town for an appointment. I went for a swim and met up with him again for lunch. I then had a bit of time to kill so did some Christmas shopping. I have got my niece's sorted and a few stocking fillers. I then went for my eye test. As i thought, age is catching up on me and I need stronger reading glasses. Stopped at the GP surgery on the way home to collect my prescription, took it to the chemist, then home, When I got home my eldest told me my hubby is in bed sleeping, he came home from work feeling sick. Have to pick my daughter up at 8pm in the town, bring her home and then up again for midnight to pick my son up. It's an hour round trip each time. Sometimes living in the countryside isn't great!!
Wow! You've been really busy! You've been all over the place! Hope you are getting some rest at some point too...
Strugglingmum
28-11-19, 06:16 PM
Have had such a frustrating unproductive day.
Felt tired when I got up. I ran my daughter to the bus, came home and washed dishes as our dishwasher is broken..... repair man next week. Did a few jobs then ran up to the town to collect my daughter and take her to get her braces on. Plan was to swim after that but I just couldn't muster up the will to go. Came home and have done nothing. Now I'm also struggling because I feel like I've wasted the day. I actually just want to get into bed and stay there. I cant seem to settle to anything, even eating properly. I just keep making a cup of coffee and lifting a biscuit. I normally eat really healthy, today its been crisps, hairdo, chocolate. Fed up with myself. I hate my weight yet I eat crap. Now I just want to sit and cry. I am all over the place.
We all have days like these. Sadly its a part of our issues. But this does not put all the other better days to waste. Its not ruining the days were we eat healthy and are active.
You did do something today. Some things for your daughter and the dishes. And some other Jobs. These are the moments I wish I was nearby. So I could give you a hug and say its all ok. You are ok (panda)
Oh sweetheart (bear). But I need to make it clear that you did everything today you needed to do for your well being. As that was obviously resting, you absolutely didn’t waste the day!
I'm sorry, but I assume you meant haribo not hairdo ;)
Sweetheart you've been so busy and in and out as a taxi all hours I'm not surprised you're having a not-so-great day... Be kind to yourself. You've listened to your body and that's a positive.
Strugglingmum
28-11-19, 09:32 PM
I'm sorry, but I assume you meant haribo not hairdo ;)
Sweetheart you've been so busy and in and out as a taxi all hours I'm not surprised you're having a not-so-great day... Be kind to yourself. You've listened to your body and that's a positive.
Lots of Haribo!! Gotta love autocorrect
Strugglingmum
28-11-19, 10:00 PM
I eventually settled enough to pick up my crochet which really helped to ease my agitation.
Strugglingmum
29-11-19, 10:40 AM
morning all.
Took my daughter to the bus and came back and got back into bed. I'm now up and have had brekkie but not much motivation to do much else. Anyone got a spare bucketload of motivation?
I have plans to go to Belfast to Ikea today with my son but I'm not feeling it. Hopefully he has enough enthusiasm for both of us. I want to get a frame for a print I got my sister for Christmas. I love Ikea frames but right now B&M is looking good..... it's much closer!! lol
How you doing love? Did you hit Ikea (I've never been to Ikea) or did B+M do?
What tends to happen a lot with me is that I hardly ever want to do something. But then when its going on its ok and even fun at times. And I am sure your son knows you and knows how to make sure you both have a fun time.
Sometimes it’s good to push ourselves, but sometimes it’s good to lower our expectations. How did the frame hunt go?
magie06
29-11-19, 04:15 PM
I'm another person who has never been to Ikea. I believe it's a great day trip, but I don't think I'd be in a hurry to go.
Strugglingmum
29-11-19, 04:29 PM
my son had enough get up and go for both of us. We hit Ikea and I was very restrained, I bought the frame I wanted for my sister but I also bought us a huge bkack and white canvas of a stag. My son bought me lunch in Ikea of a beautiful cranberry and brie tart with fries (blow the diet today again).
We then went to Home Bargains and he bought himself a mirror and unit for his room. We were being a bit silly with Christmas jumpers hats etc. We had a good laugh. I'm glad we went. Picked my daughter up from college on the way home.
My son definitely helped turn the day around a bit.
Yes that sounds like the day turned around a bit. It is so lovely to be with persons we love. And that can do so much with moods and feelings. I am so glad you went to Ikea with your son. And being silly is awesome. Keep it up :)
Well done SMS son! And well done SM for pushing past and doing what you needed to do :)
Sounds like a brilliantly fun day! So pleased for you!
Hey there. How are things going in your part of the world?
Jaquaia
30-11-19, 06:48 PM
I love the ginger and lemon biscuits from there! And the almond ones. And the vanilla candles smell amazing!!!
Strugglingmum
30-11-19, 07:11 PM
I've been very flat today. My hubby is actually concerned about how flat and all over the place I've been over past few weeks.
I'm seeing my CPN on Monday so we'll see what she thinks.
heading out shortly to pick my son up from work.
I did remember to tax my car today and book an MOT for this week. I took my son to work earlier and did the shopping but my anxiety was so bad I came home without half the stuff. I'm really stupid at times.
Oh SM (panda) that does not make you stupid. You were struggling with doing the shopping. I have that too. Where my anxiety gets the better of me. Would you call me stupid when that happens to me?
Its good that you see her on monday. Then you do not have to wait that long.
And I do not think you are stupid. You never are.
I hope you have fun while picking up your son.
Not stupid at all! Have you spoken to him about changing meds etc? Could you have a meeting with him and your CPN to help talk things through and also so he could input how he thinks things are...
Strugglingmum
30-11-19, 09:00 PM
Yes he knows its probably related to the meds change. He can't be at my appointment but he us going to phone and speak to my CPN before I see her on Monday.
You wouldn’t believe the amount of times I’ve dived out of a shop in tears. Sometimes, shopping is just too much ...... you’re not stupid at all.
I think it’s a good idea for hubby to talk to the CPN
I'm glad he's going to talk to her.
For the record, I can't tell you the amount of times Marc has just walked out of a supermarket just leaving the shopping in the middle of an aisle because it all got too much!
How are you today? Still feeling flat?
Strugglingmum
02-12-19, 10:08 PM
Saw my CPN today. She agreed that I didn't seem so good and is going to contact my consultant to discuss things with him.
(bear) It's good that you've got her on your side to help...
Well done for telling her
OldMike
03-12-19, 08:47 AM
Well done on telling your CPN (nod)
How are you doing? Did Hubby get to speak to her?
Strugglingmum
03-12-19, 01:33 PM
I didn't go to the centre today, I just didn't feel like being there.
However, I did get up and took the dog for a long walk on the shore. I feel it did me more good. It's very cold but bright and sunny and it definitely soothed me. I came back and ate some lunch, did the dishes and hung washing out. I'm going back to concentrating just on the basics, food, drink, rest, fresh air and just being.
My CPN helped me see i am going through a crisis phase and its ok to just do what I need to get through and ease my high expectations of myself. So I am trying to give myself permission to be 'ill' and take it easy instead of beating myself up for not achieving and getting frustrated and just making things worse.
Hubby spoke to my CPN but he didn't need to really, she saw for herself I was a bit of a mess. I feel more at peace with myself today (well so far).
I’m glad you’re trying to be kind to yourself, I know how difficult that is to do (bear)
Even if he might not have needed to talk to your CPN it might have done your husband some good too. It might be small but as a partner it does help to have a sense that you are helping. So that seems nice to me.
And I like how you are going to take care of yourself that way. If it were up to me you would have that permission in a heartbeat. So I hope you can give it to yourself as well (bear)
Strugglingmum
03-12-19, 03:14 PM
Even if he might not have needed to talk to your CPN it might have done your husband some good too. It might be small but as a partner it does help to have a sense that you are helping. So that seems nice to me.
And I like how you are going to take care of yourself that way. If it were up to me you would have that permission in a heartbeat. So I hope you can give it to yourself as well (bear)
thank you Mira. you are so wise. (bear) and kind.
I am so proud of you! It's so hard to accept that "I'm ill and need to do the basics."
I'm glad that your Hubby was able to talk to her, it will have helped him to feel heard too...
How have the days been for you? I was wondering how you are doing.
Are you being kind to you?
Strugglingmum
05-12-19, 07:51 PM
I have been doing the necessities.
I managed a swim yesterday.Today I did the ironing and washed my wee car.....in the rain. It was a necessity because hubby has it away to MOT..... I hope it passes.
Otherwise I am feeling the benefit from just giving myself permission to expect less of myself. My anxiety is a bit less.
Hope the car passes, I hate it when mine goes in for her MOT..
I am SO proud of you for giving yourself that permission and that it's really helping.
Strugglingmum
05-12-19, 09:02 PM
Thank you. Delighted to say my car passed. Big relief.
Great news about the car. And I hope your day today will be better.
Yay! For the car (party)
What are you planning for today? More being kind to yourself?
How are you doing, sweetie?
I was wondering the same thing...
Strugglingmum
08-12-19, 03:05 PM
Hi all.
I'm doing ok. Just taking it moment by moment. My anxiety is quite high at the moment so I'm probably avoiding things a bit more.
Hubby and I did get to church this morning. We were on Rota to take the youth so we had a full morning. I do enjoy spending time with the youth but it does take a lot out of me. Feet up this afternoon and an old classic movie...... White Christmas. Can't beat a bit of Bing.
I see my psychologist tomorrow so I have some tasks still to do for the appointment so I'll do them later.
I haven't decided if I'm going back to the centre this week. My focus is on necessities and making sure I swim.
Sounds to me that you have your priorities straight. Doing what is best for you to make it through the day. And taking care of yourself while doing it.
You’ve done brilliantly today :)
Well done for resting this afternoon! That's really important.
Have you and hubby talked about how things are for you right now?
Strugglingmum
08-12-19, 09:25 PM
Hubby knows things are tough right now
Have you talked to him about what's in your head? Your diagnosis?
Strugglingmum
09-12-19, 06:20 PM
psychology this morning was ok. I wasn't able to do the tasks she had asked as I just couldn't get the words to flow to write but it was ok with her. We talked over some other stuff from my childhood.
I drove round to the centre but I didn't stay, I went swimming instead and swam a mile today. I thought I'd feel a bit more accomplished about it or sense of achievement but I don't. I went to a few shops before I came home and got a few stocking fillers for the kids. Came home and did very little. Put tea in the oven for the family but I've retreated to bed. I do feel tired but it's more I just want to be alone. Hubby said he would finish off and feed everyone. I'll maybe try a nap now as I am feeling tired. it will maybe help.
Suzi I have parked the whole diagnosis thing for now. I'm still processing it little by little. Hubby knows my mood is flat and my anxiety is high. He knows Christmas is freaking me out because I have to have contact as all the family are coming here Christmas Eve. He also knows I will do anything to avoid it so he's keeping an eye on me.
Hold on? You're family is going to you for Christmas Eve? Including him? Why on earth are you putting yourself through that and allowing him into your safe home?
Strugglingmum
09-12-19, 07:34 PM
because it's my turn.
because I don't want to have to answer questions if I refuse.
because it's easier on the rest of the family for me to just take my turn.
because if I want to see the rest of my family I have to see him too.
because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain.
because I want my kids to be able to keep the family tradition my mum started of us all being together Christmas Eve.
because I don't have the energy to fight or think outside the box. It's easier to go with the flow.
You’re ill. Tell your family, hunni, and tell them you can’t do it. Doing this just for tradition’s sake just doesn’t make sense. And tell hubby so he can support you. Please .....
because it's my turn.
because I don't want to have to answer questions if I refuse.
because it's easier on the rest of the family for me to just take my turn.
because if I want to see the rest of my family I have to see him too.
because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain.
because I want my kids to be able to keep the family tradition my mum started of us all being together Christmas Eve.
because I don't have the energy to fight or think outside the box. It's easier to go with the flow.
I can see that... but I have to say that this is really concerning to me and I'm not your CPN. Have you told her and your psychologist about this plan?
because I'm a stupid wuss who just wants everything to go away and stop hurting my brain.
This really bothers me. What you went through was horrific. It's very definitely NOT being a "stupid wuss" at all. You'd never say that about me, or any other survivor, so why you?
You think that I'm "difficult" because I don't have anything to do with my parents first born? That if I know that he's going to be somewhere I am always in another room to him or flanked on all sides by Marc, Ben, my little brother, my sister - I am NEVER alone with him... I have panic when I get a christmas card from him, I immediately take it out and burn it so he's not infected my safe space. That's not me being difficult, it's doing what I do to survive as intact as I can. I will not let him have that power.
Hunni it's not long ago you were having suicidal thoughts (and I suspect you still are), you won't talk to A about your diagnosis and you are struggling to cope as things are, why do you think that it's ever going to be a positive thing to bring that huge amount of pressure, flashbacks, nightmares, hellish reminders into your home?
Strugglingmum
09-12-19, 09:19 PM
My psychologist knows the plan.... she's not happy about it but she has helped me put plans in place to help protect me throughout the visit..... like letting A know he's on sentinel duty, knowing I can retreat. A code word for I need help etc. She knows I don't expect it to be a positive experience but that I will do it anyway because of all the above reasons so her response is, let's help you through it.
My CPN is just... don't do it. She doesn't quite grasp how much this get together brings my mum that bit closer and its important for me to do it in her memory..
When I called myself a wuss its more because I'm not brave enough to do what I would prefer to do and that frustrates me.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend.
magie06
09-12-19, 09:54 PM
Maybe it's time for new Christmas traditions. We've changed our traditions over the last 5 years because my mum is just not able for what we did before.
I don't think you are able for what you've done before. If you are going to go ahead, then ask everyone to bring a dish. Not just the wine, someone needs to bring the starter, the main course, the veg's, the potatoes and then someone brings dessert. If you have to have them over that is.
Strugglingmum
09-12-19, 10:32 PM
That's the way we do it too Magie. I will provide rice, potatoes and my yearly trifle....it's a family thing.... my sis and sils will bring the rest. It works well each year.
You didn't offend me! It's much harder than that! :)
Sweetheart I am really concerned about this, but will be here to help you through it as much as possible...
Strugglingmum
10-12-19, 05:45 PM
You didn't offend me! It's much harder than that! :)
Sweetheart I am really concerned about this, but will be here to help you through it as much as possible...
Thank you. It's happening so I will really be welcoming any support going. (bear)
You ALWAYS have my support. I'll never turn my back on you at all. Never worry about that please.....
If there is anything I can do to help then I want to help. You have some good people behind you. Even in other countries (bear)
Strugglingmum
10-12-19, 08:29 PM
So today I made it into the centre. I was working in the kitchen but by 2pm I was exhausted so ..... get ready to pat on the back....I came home and went to bed for an hour. I was woken by the engineer phoning to say he was coming tomorrow morning to fix the dishwasher.... hurray!!! I know I know, such a first world problem but I am missing it, especially as I'm so tired at the moment. I will definitely need it for Christmas eve. 18 of us in total. We share the cooking and everyone brings something so it's good.
My mum started our Christmas Eve tradition when my sis left home and we have done it every year for the past 35 years. It's the one time of the year (barring weddings and funerals) that we are all together. It's great for all our kids to get together and catch, especially as they are now all grown up..... my daughter is the youngest.
Back definitely patted for getting to the centre but also knowing where to stop :)
Edit:to finish my sentence ....
I'm really, really proud of you! It's not easy knowing when to stop and to actually put your needs first and go for a laydown. Well done love!
What's on the agenda for today?
Strugglingmum
11-12-19, 02:40 PM
Went to the centre today as I needed to do all the write ups etc for my floristry course. I've it all finished and handed in so that is a weight off my mind.
I then went for a swim. Only did 50 lengths today but I had hit the stage where I just needed to go home. I'm home and managed a sandwich..... my appetite is rubbish at the moment. Sitting with feet up for a while.
50 lengths? Wow!
Glad you're sitting with your feet up love.
That’s a positive post, though I know it probably doesn’t feel like it. You’re doing everything you need to be doing, lovely
It was good to read you were active today. By going to the centre. And wow to the swimming. Did you manage to be nice to yourself this evening?
I was thinking about you today. How are you doing?
Strugglingmum
13-12-19, 06:27 PM
I was thinking about you today. How are you doing?
Thank you Mira. I'm ok. Plodding.
Went for a swim today and shopped for our youth party tomorrow night. I've been wrapping gifts all afternoon and making a 'pass the parcel' game with forfeits. Not as inventive as I would normally be, but its ok.
How are you doing?
That’s a lot more than plodding ;)
I agree! Far more than what I would call plodding!
That was a productive day indeed. Maybe you are to harsh on yourself. I think this is something we all do. Paula made that post with the picture and it showed how much we would do for others and how much for ourselfs. My therapist gave me a compliment this week. He said look at how we are with little children. When they do something we compliment them and show how well they did. But with ourselfs we just go oh well thats normal. Or I could have done more. Not saying we should act as if we are small children. But I do think we can be more proud of what we do even if it are small little things.
You did a good job yesterday. But if you did even more or if you did nothing and rest all day what I am going to say now would be the same. You are ok. You are a good person.
(On the friday post with positive things you wrote even if I am a twat. You are not. I have never read anything you post here and thought that at all)
That's a brilliant post from Mira. He's spot on, of course.....
Hope you're resting ready for the youth group party later.
Strugglingmum
14-12-19, 02:56 PM
Hubby and I went out today, did a blitz on the shops and bar a couple of wee fillers we have completed our Christmas pressie shopping . Relief all round.
Have my feet up before I get ready to party with our youth group later. Looking forward to being silly and getting away with it!!
Have a wonderful time (party)
Sounds like a lovely day! Hope you're having a great time at the party!
Is tomorrow a rest day?
Strugglingmum
14-12-19, 10:47 PM
The party went well. The youth all seemed to enjoy the silly party games and the even sillier prizes. Once they realised there were prizes they nearly murdered each other to win musical chairs.
I'm just glad its over. It's exhausting keeping the smiles in place and faking the fun although tonight I did enjoy seeing them having fun. I have no more commitments now til the dreaded Christmas Eve.
I've to go back up to the town tonight to collect my son from work at midnight. Tomorrow morning I'm not going to church as I'm going to lie in. I will go to the Carol service tomorrow night, there's a brass band playing and I do like carols.
That sounds like you did really well at the party, but I'm glad you're planning a rest day. The carols with brass band sound fabulous!
OldMike
15-12-19, 10:07 AM
Nothing like silly party games, I'm glad it was fun.
Sometimes its good to fake it a little bit. And you did it and you did enjoy it. Thats the plus of faking it sometimes.
I hope today was nice with staying in bed for a while and that you enjoy the evening (panda)
How did your day go lovely?
Strugglingmum
17-12-19, 10:19 PM
Hi all. Past couple of days have been very busy at the centre. Christmas dinner for 100 tomorrow so a lot of prep work in the kitchen . I finished today so I'm not back until the New Year.
I'm still plodding along. My appetite isn't great, but I'm still fighting for my swim regularly and its still helping. Planning to have a gentle few days and getting my hair done on Thursday. Hubby and I thinking of the cinema on Saturday to see Cats. I'll see how I'm feeling closer to the time.
I’m so proud of you, that’s a fab post!
I know things have not been easy for you. But reading your thread and posts like this give me strength. I am not joking. I think its so good that you do go swimming. And having ideas to go see a movie in the weekend. I try to think of that when I am feeling the way I do. Thanks for being a part of the community here.
I'm so proud of you! Well done lovely. Are you going to the Christmas dinner? OO I want to see Cats too! Looks fabulous!
Strugglingmum
18-12-19, 02:07 PM
thanks all.
No I'm not doing the dinner. My appetite is rubbish.... I've lost 1/2 stone in past few weeks. Dinner with 100 people is the stuff nightmares are made of for me.
last night I had to do a late drive for my son finishing work. Got up this morning and got my daughter to the bus and went back to bed for an hour. Got up, brought my son to work and went for a swim. 64 lengths which is a mile. I'm waiting for my son to finish and my daughter to finished college and then home to make tea for them all.
64 lengths? Wow, that's a lot of swimming.
Dinner with over 100 people is not easy for most people!
Sounds like you're doing really well with resting too. Well done hunni.
Strugglingmum
19-12-19, 08:21 PM
Got a bit of tidying up done around the house today but still so much to do before Christmas Eve.
Got my hair cut and coloured today and some festive tinsel strands put in.
All the little girls were in the salon getting them done and I fancied some so my stylist took extra time just to do them for me, keeping herself back. I really appreciated her kindness.
Tomorrow I need to do more around the house but I am going to make sure and swim.
Could you post a picture of the back of your head so we can see it?
OOO I'd love to see your hair too!
Well done lovely!
Strugglingmum
20-12-19, 06:55 PM
Got some more work done around the house today. Made my soup for Christmas and popped it in the freezer. Did some wrapping and went for a swim. Felt like i was swimming through treacle so only managed 44 lengths.
Came home and made dinner, have my feet up now resting as we are going to see Cats tonight at the cinema. First night out in a very long time so hope it goes well. Anxiety isn't too bad so hopefully I'll manage ok.
My tinsel strands are in the front of my hair in the fringe. They are quite festive.
........we all know I never manage to post a photo properly. (giggle)
I hope you had a lovely evening with your husband. And still 44 lengths. You went and did it. That is awesome by itself.
Post it on facebook and I'll talk you through how to do it tomorrow if you like?
"Only" 44 lengths? Blimey!
Yes how was it? It's been absolutely slated by every reviewer so far.....
I would love to know too.
OldMike
21-12-19, 05:32 PM
44 lengths wow I'm a non-swimmer but if you can manage 44 lengths when you're feeling below par, you deserve a medal.
I've seen clips of Cats and it doesn't float my boat, I love cats as pets but grown people dressed up as cats is not for me, if it is like the stage version it may be okay.
Strugglingmum
21-12-19, 06:05 PM
Okay so Cats.
For me Cats the musical is all about the music and dance, the storyline is basic.
So if you like the musical, the movie is fairly close. The dance routines and songs are quite good. I liked Taylor Swift but thought Jennifer Hudson was a bit over the top.... however that is probably what the director ordered.
It is what is says on the tin... but without the atmosphere of the theatre. I prefer the theatre. A hated it!! (giggle) if I hadn't gone I would have thought I was missing out. The movie, I don't think would encourage anyone to go see the stage production.
I had a bit of a blip today, totally freaked out over the shopping centre being so busy and being on my own. I survived and don't have to go back but its left me a bit blah!
I'll wait for it on DVD then! lol
Well done for surviving the shopping centre.
Dear SM I saw the original stage production. It was something I will never forget. I hope you enjoyed the film.
You got through, hun, that’s impressive
Hope you're resting lovely.
Strugglingmum
21-12-19, 11:26 PM
I fell asleep cuddled into A tonight... out cold. At one point I half woke and he moved me aa he was busting for a widdle.
I turned over on the sofa and went straight baçk over. I knew the shopping centre had taken a lot out of me but didn't realise to the extent.
I'm off to bed to sleep some more(giggle)
Cuddling your hubby, hands down the best way to fall asleep :)
It really is... How are you today lovely?
Strugglingmum
22-12-19, 03:22 PM
So I slept for approximately 14hrs all in between the couch and then bed. I must have really needed it. We have been working around the house today.
Most people do spring cleaning.... I do Christmas cleaning. The kitchen walls were getting washed today and A pulled the cooker out and did in behind it. 2 youngest were tasked with washing the underneath of the table and chairs.
I know it sounds extreme but I like starting the New Year with everything clean.
We have taken breaks and rests. I stuck the L plates up and let I drive down to the bottle bank where we had fun smashing lots of glass....we hadn't been in a while.
This evening we are going to a carol service so I'm looking forward to it.
Tomorrow I see my psychologist and my psychiatry consultant. 2 appointments but all over before Christmas. I'll go for a swim before I come home, probably my last one til after Christmas. Other than that its fun baking and cooking.
Fun baking and cooking - not my idea of it but I’m glad you had a good day :)
You are amazing, you know that right?
Strugglingmum
22-12-19, 10:05 PM
You are amazing, you know that right?
No I don't and it doesn't feel that way but I'm trying.
You have been busy. It must have felt good getting all that done. I think you are awesome too though.
No I don't and it doesn't feel that way but I'm trying.
I've never lied to you before, I'm not going to start now. If you don't feel that way can you accept that I feel that you are amazing?
What's on your agenda today? Pacing I hope?
Strugglingmum
23-12-19, 05:07 PM
Today I had psychology and then an appointment with my psychiatrist.
He has doubled my vortioxetine to 20mg. He feels that as my sleep has improved on it then hopefully with an increased dose the rest will follow.
I then went for a swim and did my 64 lengths. Came home to a late lunch and made some GF shortbread and made some curried parsnip soup and a quiche from scratch. If i can get into it cooking does help relax me. Im feeling ok. Trying to keep busy and avoid thinking about tomorrow night.
Tonight A and I are going to a social night with some people from church. It will be nice to be together and I'm trying to socialise when I can.
Jaquaia
23-12-19, 05:09 PM
That sounds positive. Going up to 20mg made a huge difference to me. I hope it works for you too (panda)
That sounds really good lovely.
Curried parsnip soup sounds delicious!
Hope you have fun tonight hunni, you deserve it.
Strugglingmum
24-12-19, 12:25 PM
Just wishing you all a Peaceful Christmas.
I'm busy getting ready for tonight. I have talked through a lot of options and scenarios with my psychologist so hopefully I am as ready as I'll ever be.
Things to remember,
I'm an adult
It's my home
I can walk away if I need to
I don't have to be near anyone I don't want to
I have a husband and kids who are on my side and have my back.
I have a lot more tools to use than I used to
I am stronger than I think
I don't have to take anyone's crap!!
A-MEN! You’ve got this, lovely, and remember you can take time out any time you need. You’ll be in my prayers, sweetheart, and I hope you have a peaceful Christmas xx
Allalone
24-12-19, 01:25 PM
Thinking of you today hun.xx
Just wishing you all a Peaceful Christmas.
I'm busy getting ready for tonight. I have talked through a lot of options and scenarios with my psychologist so hopefully I am as ready as I'll ever be.
Things to remember,
I'm an adult
It's my home
I can walk away if I need to
I don't have to be near anyone I don't want to
I have a husband and kids who are on my side and have my back.
I have a lot more tools to use than I used to
I am stronger than I think
I don't have to take anyone's crap!!
Just wanted to say AWESOME! You've got this. We're here if you need us. You are so strong.
Strugglingmum
24-12-19, 06:08 PM
oh God. half an hour to go. my anxiety is through the roof.
I just had horrendous scoots and I dont know if it's anxiety or the increase in vortioxetine.
crap why am I doing this?
I am thinking of you (panda)
Allalone
24-12-19, 10:37 PM
Sending love and hugs.xx
Morning, sweetie, how are you doing?
Strugglingmum
25-12-19, 03:32 PM
hey all.
Merry Christmas to you all.
thank you for being my support and cheer team. I couldnt do this without each one of you.
I'm alive I'm upright and I have got through an awful night.
I'm choosing to completely ignore it and forget it for now and make the rest of Christmas as good as possible for my family.. ..that included being dressed up like a shamrock this morning to wake my daughter.... long story but she laughed til the tears ran down her face..... to me, that is what I'm choosing to focus on right now. I know I have to eventually compute and deal with last night .... but not now.
love to you all. x
You are truly an inspiration. So proud of you
Jaquaia
25-12-19, 07:06 PM
So proud of you! Hope you've had a lovely day with your family (panda)
I am so f*cking proud of you!
Sweetheart focus on the positives, we are here as and when you are ready to talk about what happened.
Yes, well done you! Last night was last night! By the sounds of it you've had a good day. God willing tomorrow will be a better day. You have an amazing sense of humour and I would have loved to see her little face this morning. Remember that you are much loved!
That must have given your daughter such joy. Doing things like that can make a huge difference.
Hope you are ok (panda)
How are you today lovely?
Strugglingmum
26-12-19, 12:37 PM
I'm exhausted today. The last couple of days have taken their toll and my head is hating on me today. I'm staying close to A and doing bits and pieces to distract. I would love a walk but it's very stormy here and mustering up the motivation is not happening. Bed is very attractive right now.
You got through, lovely, don’t estimate how incredible that makes you. But do what you need to do over the next few days to recover (panda)
You've been fighting so hard love, maybe a nap isn't such a bad idea?
Strugglingmum
26-12-19, 07:58 PM
Can't get over how washed out I feel today. I've given up and come to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Night all. Hope your boxing day was lovely. Much love to all of you.
Thanks so much. I hope you have a good nights sleep and feel better tomorrow (panda)
Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe you’ll need a little more time than that. Just listen to your body, love, it’s been an extraordinarily difficult few days (and the build up alone would have been exhausting)
You are amazing, you are going to be dealing with such a huge anxiety hangover lovely, you have to be really kind to you.
Strugglingmum
27-12-19, 02:13 PM
Got up and went for a swim this morning. It was good to be back in the water and work off a bit of anxiety/agitation. Managed my mile although it was tough to start but once I got going it was ok. Did a few errands while I was out. Came home, ate some leftovers but my get up and go is lacking. I've things to do do hopefully I'll get moving in a while....... maybe another coffee needed!! ;)
Going for a swim and doing errands does not say lack of motivation to me ;)
OldMike
27-12-19, 05:22 PM
I agree with Paula you got out for a walk and did some errands which shows you are motivated and got out and did stuff.
Sounds to me like you've done quite a lot!
Strugglingmum
31-12-19, 02:44 PM
Just wishing you all a Peaceful and hopefully healthy New Year. (Kiss)
Jaquaia
31-12-19, 03:14 PM
Same to you lovely!
I have the same wish and hope for you and your family (bear)
Hey you, you’re quiet. How’s things?
Strugglingmum
02-01-20, 01:59 PM
I'm still just struggling with my thoughts since Christmas Eve. I know you are all right when you said I shouldn't feel guilty or anything but I do.
I'm gritting my teeth and plodding through, doing plenty of swimming and walking. I've also been a bit bokey with the increase in vortioxetine although it is getting a bit easier.
I have been checking in on the forum but honestly my brain can't come up with a single thing to say. I'm sorry for being quiet but honestly I feel a bit disconnected from everything around me. I see my CPN tomorrow but I have no psychology til end of January. I haven't been entirely safe over past week but have used the Samaritans to help.
No need to apologize for being quiet.
We all know how well you are trying and doing the best you can. We can relate to the struggle with the thoughts. And knowing you should not feel guilty and not feel guilty are different things. In my book you are always on the page of people I admire and people I think of with warm caring feelings.
I was so happy to read you asked for help from the Samaritans. That is awesome. And great that you keep going out to swim (bear)
Sweetie, if you can’t say anything else, it’s ok just to say ‘hi’. Thank you for talking to the Samaritans
I'm so proud of you for calling the Samaritans. Did they help lovely? As has been said, you don't have to say anything specific - just say hi....
Strugglingmum
02-01-20, 07:35 PM
I'm so proud of you for calling the Samaritans. Did they help lovely? As has been said, you don't have to say anything specific - just say hi....
I've always had a good experience with Samaritans.
Strugglingmum
03-01-20, 06:47 PM
My CPN cancelled her visit today so I'm feeling a bit lost. Does that make me very needy? Am I too attached? Is that a sign of my personality disorder? Have I just never been aware of being so needy with people? Have I always been like this but just not realised it? I always thought I was very independent but maybe I've just been fooling myself.
No! You aren't too needy at all! You're overthinking it love. If someone cancels on me I feel a bit lost too! It's totally "normal" if you ask me!
I agree. That sounds like a normal reaction to me. And from how you explained it nothing sounds like being needy. I would have the same reaction.
magie06
03-01-20, 08:23 PM
It's very difficult not to read too much into a cancellation like this. Try not to worry, have they made a different appointment for you?
I agree it’s not needy - these appointments are important and I’m not surprised you’ve found it tough
Strugglingmum
03-01-20, 09:58 PM
Thanks all. I guess I was just hoping to be able to talk through with her what's going on in my head and finally get it all out and I'm just a bit down that it didn't happen. We have rescheduled for Wednesday.
Would it help to talk to us?
Always here to listen....
Strugglingmum
04-01-20, 04:49 PM
Always here to listen....
I know. It's just too hard to start.
Sweetheart there is no rush and no pressure, just know that we are here and ready to listen when you are ready.
Sometimes it helps just to write out bullet points or just as it comes into your head - it doesn't have to be in sentences or make any sense as it comes out... but there is never any pressure....
Would it help just to put one thing down, it can be as small as you can cope with itms?
Strugglingmum
07-01-20, 06:03 PM
Felt unwell when I got up this morning but thought if I got up and going I'd be ok. Went to the centre but came home before I was even there an hour. Felt like I had been run over by a truck. Came home and got into bed and slept. Got up just a wee while ago. Feeling a bit better but washed out. I have just eaten a sandwich and a yoghurt so maybe a bit of food will help. I haven't been sleeping great past couple of nights so maybe just hit the fatigue wall very hard. I know my appetite hasn't been very good but when I weighed myself today I have lost an awful lot of weight. I've lost all I had put on with the Mirtazipine and more. Everyone is starting to moan about my weight loss so I am going to try eat a bit better.
I see my CPN tomorrow which I am relieved about. Hopefully she doesn't complain about my weight too.
Is it "just" appetite loss that's causing you not to eat?
I doubt it’s moaning, love, just that they love you and worry about you (bear). If you could talk to the CPN about it tomorrow, that might be a good idea
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.4 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.