View Full Version : Picking up the pieces again *SU Trigger*
Jaquaia
12-10-19, 02:59 PM
Because you are ill and battling? Just a guess ;)
That sounds like a really productive day!
Agree with Jaq hunni, you have done quite a bit already sweetie xx
So i haven't made it out today. I'm dressed, have done 2 loads washing and put it on the line. Made banana bread and an Apple crumble all gluten free so my daughter can enjoy. I'm afraid its my good old crochet hook and movie kind of day. I always feel guilty when the Sun is shining and I'm indoors.
Suzi my son took Katie out a walk so she is ok. The builders have left for the day so she has the run of the garden again. i dont know how i can be tired....but I am.
Erm, remember my comment yesterday on ‘just’ getting through? You’ve done far more than me today ....
You've done loads more than me too!
Maybe you need to stop being so hard on yourself?
Strugglingmum
12-10-19, 11:04 PM
I know but you guys battle against physical illnesses too. My body is fit and healthy and there is nothing to stop it doing stuff only me. Anyway I crochet a couple of baby elf hats for my page and have an order already so that will keep me occupied. Have retired to bed early as need to be up for church in the morning. It's our turn to lead the youth programme in the morning. I'm reading over my notes to teach but I'm not retaining. I hate teaching from notes I much prefer to have it all in my head but tomorrow is definitely going to be a notes day. (think)
Jaquaia
12-10-19, 11:08 PM
Mental illness has physical symptoms too, fatigue being one pf them!
There was a time when I didn’t battle ‘physical illness’ and I absolutely battled physical symptoms from my mental illness. Actually, a lot of the time, those symptoms were more debilitating than my psychological symptoms.
Edit: this is the NHS list of symptoms https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/
I know but you guys battle against physical illnesses too. My body is fit and healthy and there is nothing to stop it doing stuff only me.
Marc says this to me all the time. As I tell him, and as already been said - depression does have physical issues!
Anyway I crochet a couple of baby elf hats for my page and have an order already so that will keep me occupied.
Hooray for the orders! That's brilliant!
Have retired to bed early as need to be up for church in the morning. It's our turn to lead the youth programme in the morning. I'm reading over my notes to teach but I'm not retaining. I hate teaching from notes I much prefer to have it all in my head but tomorrow is definitely going to be a notes day. (think)
Hope the teaching goes well...
Strugglingmum
14-10-19, 10:07 PM
I can't believe how much I missed in 2 days...... sorry I'm not going to be able to catch up on it all, just scrolling has sent me square eyed!!
Yesterday and today just flew by. I had a psychology appt today.
I really need to try and get my head together. and be more positive. I need to stop moping around. Paula can you send me a drip drop of your determination and motivation please.
Jaquaia
14-10-19, 10:12 PM
You're not expected to catch up lovely! You will get there (panda)
What happened at the appointment?
I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment I’ve had.......
Definitely OK to just focus on you right now. I was wondering what happened in your appointments too!
Strugglingmum
14-10-19, 10:30 PM
What happened at the appointment?
I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment I’ve had.......
That's just it Paula.... the appointment was just the usual of me rambling about the same old crap. I feel completely stuck and not able to move forward. I don't know what its going to take to actually see the future. But I'm trying to take it on trust that there is one and that it will be better. But I also know that it will only be better if I make it better and I'm not quite sure how to do that. Can I make the future better while all my energy seems to be focussed on dealing with the past?? Im not sure. I'm probably supposed to be working on both but I'm not succeeding at that so what do I focus on? Past?. Future.? Present? It's very overwhelming to me.
Are you having regular counselling/cbt/psychotherapy?
Strugglingmum
14-10-19, 10:46 PM
I'm not sure what it is we do. But I go at least fortnightly if not weekly.
She specializes in trauma work so we do a lot of visualization and rescripting endings, finding techniques to r.ecognise and interrupt flasbacks using the adult me to parent the child me etc. She also listens to my crap and makes me think about it logically and rationally and challenge what im thinking as to whether it has a factual basis or is it me assuming that it is so. I don't think I realised how stuck I was feeling until I wrote it on here. I need to talk to her about that next week.
It takes time to work through things sweetie xx
Sometimes it really helps to get things out of your head so you can actually work out how you feel....
What happened at the appointment?
I wish everyone with chronic illness had access to the type of kick up the arse treatment I’ve had.......
I reread this and I’m so sorry - that phrase ‘kick up the arse’ was wrong, didn’t reflect the programme or what I believe about chronic illness. What I meant to say was that Bath gave me tools to manage my health better and I wish all of us were able to access that sort of treatment.
Strugglingmum
15-10-19, 09:14 PM
I've been thinking and trying to work stuff out in my head.....dangerous i know(giggle)
Anyway, I'm going round and round in circles but I feel like I need to find some acceptance again. Like I need to settle my mind to accept me. I think its like I'm rejecting myself and that's why I keep in this circle of self loathing and SU desires and attempts to end me. Does that make any sense?
Jaquaia
15-10-19, 09:22 PM
It makes a lot of sense
Makes loads of sense to me...
Have you tried finding 3 positives about you and adding to them each day? It sounds simple, but it's really difficult but really effective...
That seems like a pretty big realisation to me
Strugglingmum
16-10-19, 03:20 PM
Makes loads of sense to me...
Have you tried finding 3 positives about you and adding to them each day? It sounds simple, but it's really difficult but really effective...
Well as we know, those positives are not very easily found here!!
I have started writing when my thoughts are racing. Because im trying to write them and keep up with my brain its helping slow my brain down a bit. It will also help when I see my psychologist to be able to say.... these are my thoughts, this is what is going round in my head as quite often when put on the spot can't remember the exact thoughts... just the general idea. My next task is it should be easier to challenge them if they are in black and white without my brain performing cartwheels. Anyway ... we will see.
I went to my floristry course today and the challenge was an arrangement in a book.
(Jaq close your eyes and ears)
Basically you cut a section out of the inside of the book and the arrangement spills out of it whilst supporting the front cover on top of the arrangement. I was pretty pleased with it. It was how I imagined it.
Jaquaia
16-10-19, 03:24 PM
I'm appalled!!!! Appalled and shocked!!!!!!! *swoons*
Have you seen those paper flowers?! I want my wedding bouquet to be paper flowers. And one I've seen will make some out of your favourite books or sheet music too! So I want some made from Pride and Prejudice then I can keep them forever! (inlove) have a look at Angel Paper Flower Creations on fb!
Sounds like you've had a good day!
SM - sounds gorgeous!
Jaq - wedding *squeals*
Jaquaia
16-10-19, 04:14 PM
Not yet! He's not proposed but frequently tells me he can't wait to marry me so definitely on the cards! I'll let you know when you need a hat for ;)
Ooo I love a good wedding me! :)
Strugglingmum
16-10-19, 06:39 PM
Pictures????
With my track record with posting pictures???? (rofl)
send the pictures to one of us sweetie and we can put it in here for you if you want x
With my track record with posting pictures???? (rofl)
Yup! :)
Strugglingmum
17-10-19, 07:10 PM
Hey all. Had a lovely lunch date with my younger 2 before a swim this afternoon. Have spent some time with my daughter today between lunch date and just chilling. She was in poor form and sounding off about a lot of stuff going on in her life. I'm so glad she confided in me. Some of you will know what a change it is for her to come to me instead of being mad at me. Things are definitely improving in our relationship little by little and its overwhelming to dream that she could be ready to let me close again.
Jaquaia
17-10-19, 07:11 PM
Awww that's brilliant!!!
Aww am so pleased for you x
That made me grin - so wonderful :)
Allalone
17-10-19, 08:34 PM
That’s great to hear.xx
Aww that's amazing! I feel really emotional about that post! (Blame Paula, her wussiness is obviously catching)
Jaquaia
17-10-19, 08:40 PM
(rofl)
Strugglingmum
17-10-19, 10:13 PM
It's ok Paula...... we all know Suzi is a big softie at heart, she just likes to make out you're the soft one....... wuss indeed!..... you're an unstoppable force of nature since Bath!.
I don't want to get too overly excited about it (after all.... she's a teenager!) but I definitely don't think she hates me anymore... well I think she doesn't..... well she didn't for a while today!! ..... or maybe she just hated me less than everyone else in her life who's annoying her.
I have teenage girls, the fact she's talking to you is amazing, awesome and should be totally celebrated at every opportunity! :)
Strugglingmum
18-10-19, 10:52 AM
I saw a fab think on Facebook this morning. It was on the Depression Project page.
So I already said I have problems challenging negative thoughts with a positive mostly because I don't believe the positives and feel I'm telling myself a lie.
This diagram suggested that if you had the same problem to challenge a negative thought with a 'less negative' thought to be able to work towards a positive. It's not rocket science I know and you probably all know this but it helped me this morning.
I went back to bed for a while and slept a bit more. I'm up, have sorted some washing, had breakfast and am heading for a swim shortly.
I have found swimming very soothing. Having the water swooshing in my ears drowns out the crap in my head. Also need the exercise with all the weight I've piled on with the Mirtazipine. At least I seem to have slowed the gaining but it's not shifting at all. Hope everyone is ok.
That makes perfect sense to me!
The swimming makes sense too.
I'm so proud of you!
That post was awesome! :)
Strugglingmum
19-10-19, 01:38 PM
Having a not so great day.
This morning I have really struggled with my thoughts and desire to od. Trying to keep busy and distract but feeling really low.
Jaquaia
19-10-19, 01:52 PM
Well done for telling us lovely and well done for fighting those thoughts (panda)
One step at a time, lovely (panda)
Having a not so great day.
This morning I have really struggled with my thoughts and desire to od. Trying to keep busy and distract but feeling really low.
Just some basic housekeeping - have you got meds to take? If so, can you give them to your lovely husband?
Do you have emergency crisis support numbers to hand? If you can't call you can text/email Samaritans or Shout (85258 free text line where you will be put through to a crisis volunteer who has training to help)
You can get through this, it's a blip... I believe in you.
OldMike
19-10-19, 03:50 PM
(bear) (panda)
Strugglingmum
19-10-19, 05:16 PM
I do have some but I will try and talk to someone before I hit that point
Could you please give them to your husband, gorgeous?
(bear) Not going to repeat whats been said sweetie but do agree with the others xx
Hey love, how're you doing? Can you let us know that you are safe? I'm going to send you a pm and I need you to reply to that or/and this thread please
I have spoken to SM. She's still fighting!
Jaquaia
19-10-19, 09:21 PM
Good
You're doing so well lovely (panda)
You wrote on my thread that I am an inspiration. I think you are just as much an inspiration. I have you in my thoughts.
That’s coz she is a fighter. Love you, SM
She is amazing. We love you hunni...
Strugglingmum
19-10-19, 10:48 PM
Heading to bed. Going to take a sleeping tablet.
Jaquaia
19-10-19, 10:55 PM
Hope tomorrow is a better day (panda)
Night sweetie sleep well xx
Strugglingmum
21-10-19, 10:12 PM
Another day almost ticked off. Have to pick my son up from work at midnight in the next town but then we are in to tomorrow.
You’re doing brilliantly, lovely
Allalone
21-10-19, 10:14 PM
Well done. One day at a time hun. (panda)
How you doin' (Said like Joey from friends)?
Strugglingmum
22-10-19, 06:09 PM
Psychology appointment today. Went ok.
Strugglingmum
22-10-19, 08:03 PM
Sorry yeah. I didn't know what else to say earlier.
We talked about where I'm at. She feels we need to tackle some more trauma work to get unstuck again. Iforced myself to go for a swim after. I only did a few lengths but I i guess its a few more than I would have done if I hadn't gone. floristry in the morning. This week's challenge is a funeral arrangement. I have some lilies so just need to decide what to go with them and what sort of display. I don't like wreaths.... not even at Christmas so I'm thinking a spray maybe. I'll see tomorrow
I think a spray is nice.
How do you feel about starting the trauma work again?
Strugglingmum
22-10-19, 08:38 PM
I think a spray is nice.
How do you feel about starting the trauma work again?
I'm not sure. I understand why and maybe it will help. It actually couldn't make things any worse at the moment so it's worth a shot.
Can I just check in with you - do you still have a stash of meds? Is there any chance of you giving them to someone else to keep you safe and then you not buying any more?
Morning, lovely, how are you?
(bear)Hi SM just popping in to say hello
Boo! I thought I'd join everyone else ;)
Strugglingmum
23-10-19, 01:09 PM
Hi. Floristry class went as I expected. I did a sheaf style so it worked out the way I had planned. Came home after as just wanted a bit of peace. I have the house to myself which is lovely and unusual. I'm going to make a coffee and indulge in a lump of chocolate and find something to crochet. yup the house is stinking but I can't even be bothered right now. I've thrown bleach down the loos and round the kitchen sink. Cleaning over for today. (giggle)
There’s another way to clean?? I’m so glad you’re taking time just for you
What are you crocheting? I've started the Rosetta Swirl CAL and I have to confess, it's making me fall in love with crochet again after spending months on a waffle blanket for B!
Strugglingmum
23-10-19, 04:58 PM
The crochet didn't happen. I had the coffee, had the chocolate and fell asleep. No dinner made and no idea what to make. I had an awful dream while I slept and had to fight to get myself awake out of it.
Awww its not nice when you have horrible dreams sweetie, (bear)
Strugglingmum
23-10-19, 05:46 PM
Thanks Angie. It's one of the symptoms I find most distressing. It's like I knew it was a dream and that if I woke up I'd be ok but I couldn't get myself to wake up and that frightened me as much as anything else.
Anyway, I dismantled my floristry project and put the flowers in a vase to enjoy them the rest of the week. Xx
How are you doing now lovely?
Strugglingmum
23-10-19, 09:55 PM
Is today nearly over??
I'm ok thanks Suzi. I'm ready for bed and a new day. X
Allalone
23-10-19, 09:58 PM
Hope you have a good sleep hun.x
Hope you sleep well tonight sweetie xx
Strugglingmum
24-10-19, 12:07 AM
Awaiting my brain to agree with my body that it's time to switch off.
Allalone
24-10-19, 12:27 AM
Same here. Hope you manage some sleep tonight.
Hope you slept well love...
Strugglingmum
24-10-19, 01:53 PM
Defrosting the freezer this morning! Emptied it, switched it off, left the door open with towels all under and around it and went on out to my craft group. How's that for multi-tasking!! Also had a GP appointment which went well. He feels a lot of my recent physical problems are side effects from the dreaded Mirtazipine. I told him I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I'm hoping that it will be stopped as I don't feel it has done anything but make me gain weight plus all the other things that my GP feels its responsible for. Anyway, more unfortunately, he also saw it flagged up i was overdue my smear so it was booked before i left too. Chilli in the slow cooker for tea. Hoping to lift the crochet hook later and do something fun
Well done love!
I'm really glad you've booked your smear. It really could save your life, so very, very important. Hope you get some hooking time, I'm desperately hoping to too!
well done booking it, hunni
Strugglingmum
24-10-19, 06:59 PM
well done booking it, hunni
I confess I really didn't have a choice(giggle)
Suzi's comment of, it could save your life made me smile........ are we all missing the point here?.......
Strugglingmum
24-10-19, 10:17 PM
(giggle) but I am sorry honestly.
I have the worse sense of humour.
I have a shirt that says on it
What doesn't kill me
Gives me a lot of unhealthy
coping mechanisms
And a really dark sense of humour.
Fairly accurate.
Sorry Suzi, due to my recent feelings it seems ironic and insane to book for a test that is to screen for life limiting illnesses.
But yes ladies..... get your smear done! Don't put it off. Do as I say, not as I do. (giggle)
Jaquaia
24-10-19, 10:24 PM
Had mind just over a year ago so I'm safe! Or was it 2 years ago? Still... got a year off!
I like to remind women to get their smears done - my friend had cancer caught early enough that they could treat her...
I like dark senses of humour.... they match mine...
Strugglingmum
25-10-19, 01:02 PM
I got up, got my daughter up and took her for her bus. I got home and felt quite washed out. I was back in bed before 8:30am. I slept until 12:25. !!!!!!!!
I can't believe I slept so soundly again. So shocked when I woke up and looked at the clock.
Part of me is so mad at feeling like I've wasted the morning, but the rational part is saying that I can still fit everything in and just take it step by step. For once the rational side is winning....... she must be well rested(giggle)
You must of needed the sleep sweetie, as you say step by step, do one thing at a time x
You absolutely must have needed it lovely... Be kind to yourself love x
OldMike
25-10-19, 03:29 PM
You must've needed the sleep, I'm glad the logical side is winning.
Sometimes, it’s the best thing you can do. Well done for listening to your body
Strugglingmum
25-10-19, 08:29 PM
Had a lovely swim this afternoon. Managed to fit everything in even with sleeping in this morning. Back to the crochet this evening. Son is working to midnight so a late night for me to pick him up but at least I'm not tired(giggle)
Sounds like its been a good day sweetie xx
I'm glad you've had a good day love. Well done for doing the things you needed to and for putting what you need as important.
Strugglingmum
28-10-19, 04:31 PM
Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. To be honest I feel all over the place following it. In fact I disgraced myself by breaking down sobbing in the consulting room.
Anyway long story short, I am to start on new meds. Just need to wait on prescription from my GP. I'll get it tomorrow and start them on Wednesday. It's going to take me a while to process today. I feel quite devastated but I know I need to think things through a bit. I have an appointment with my psychologist either tomorrow or Wednesday (i need to check) so I'll get a chance to talk it through.
Anyway hope you are all doing ok.
You have so not disgraced yourself! I don’t think I ever had even one psych appt when I didn’t cry. Crying is just normal in those circumstances and is often helpful
What are the new meds?
Jaquaia
28-10-19, 05:30 PM
Definitely not disgraced yourself. In fact, the only reason I got tye help I needed was because I broke down and snotty cried in the assessment with the CPN
Strugglingmum
28-10-19, 05:54 PM
It's a newish AD I think. Vortioxetine. It's not used as a first off, its for people not responding to others. They changed my diagnosis today , or added to it, I don't know. I'm a bit distraught about it and not loving what I read on Google.
Jaquaia
28-10-19, 06:15 PM
That's what I'm on. It's only been licensed about 4 years. I had some nausea and dizziness when I first started it and with each dosage change but it wore off after about a week. It's similar to an SSRI but works slightly differently on the neurotransmitters in the brain. It's not perfect but it's given me my life back.
(bear) I agree sweetie you have not disgraced yourself what so ever xx
Oh hunni, crying is not disgracing yourself at all - I vividly remember when Marc was really ill at home, Fern was 8 weeks old, Hazel was 15 months older and Ben was at nursery and I'd gone to my GP for our 8 week check and I'd timed it within feed and nursery.. I sat outside my GP, I watched patient after patient go through and I wasn't called. It wasn't until the receptionist came through with his cup of tea and said that she'd forgotten to check me in and then to make it worse I wouldn't be able to see him at all! I followed her back to the reception area and just collapsed with snot, tears, rocking on the floor the whole shebang! Hunni, I promise you that your consultant will not have thought anything bad about you at all!
Sweetheart hopefully this will help. I'm so proud that you were able to talk honestly about how you are feeling. You should be rewarding yourself massively!
What did they change of your diagnosis? Sweetie, you know googling things is never helpful .....
Oh I didn't see that they had changed it - what did they add? Know that it won't change anything about how much we care about you...
OldMike
29-10-19, 03:06 PM
Had an appointment with my psychiatrist today. To be honest I feel all over the place following it. In fact I disgraced myself by breaking down sobbing in the consulting room.
Anyway long story short, I am to start on new meds. Just need to wait on prescription from my GP. I'll get it tomorrow and start them on Wednesday. It's going to take me a while to process today. I feel quite devastated but I know I need to think things through a bit. I have an appointment with my psychologist either tomorrow or Wednesday (i need to check) so I'll get a chance to talk it through.
Anyway hope you are all doing ok.
You certainly didn't disgrace yourself you're going through a rough time. As far as your new diagnosis goes it is best not to Google, there is a lot of good info out there also a lot of misinformation.
Strugglingmum
29-10-19, 05:46 PM
So I needed a pick me up today but also a focus and a need to plan something for the future.
Hubby turns 50 next year so I only went and booked us a break to Portugal for his birthday. I've been thinking it for a long time so it's not impulsive but I thought it was time to turn thinking into doing. It's in Albufeira near the beach so plenty for me to do while hubby gets to play a few rounds of golf. It's a surprise for him but I'm going to give it to him at Christmas so he has time to plan leave from work and ask his friends which courses are best to play. Also thought it would be good for him to know there is something nice for the future.
I've been a bit tearful today but have kept busy and built in a swim to help clear my head a bit.
Picked up my new prescription so start new med regime tomorrow.
Wow! Well done you :). I love the Algarve, absolutely my favourite place on this earth
OO that's so exciting! Marc's parents used to love Albufeira! I'm glad you are planning for the future...
How are you feeling about changing meds? Are you adding this in or swapping something out?
Strugglingmum
29-10-19, 07:44 PM
I'm coming off the Sertraline (weaning down first for a week) and stopping the Mirtazipine immediately. Commencing the vortioxetine. I've also reduced my daytime doses of quetiapine to just once a day but keeping my night time dose as is.
I'm relieved to be off the Mirtazipine due to all the side effects I had and it wasn't helping me any.
The Sertraline also wasn't doing a lot either.
This new drug is supposed to be helpful for people who haven't responded to other ADs so hopefully it will help. The quetiapine helps slow my brain down enough so it doesn't race all night. I also used to use it a lot during the day but I've reduced over past month or 2 and tried to physically manage my agitation with exercise. I'm willing to give anything a go if it helps. A big part of my treatment is psychology so I'll be continuing with that. They want to have a slightly different therapy once I've finished with the trauma work. I'm hoping my psychologist that I'm used to will be able to offer this treatment but will ask tomorrow when I see her.
Jaquaia
29-10-19, 07:56 PM
Vortioxetine has really helped me, I'm not sure I'd still be here without it. I hadn't responded to 8 other ADs so my options were this, an older AD but those came with potentially nasty side effects, or quetiapine. I hope it works as well for you
Strugglingmum
29-10-19, 08:09 PM
Thank you Jaq. I hope so too.
Paula and Suzi, I have never been to Portugal but hubby's friends have all been regularly to play golf and he has always said he would like to go. My SIL loves Albufeira and said I would love the old town, apparently it's my kind of place. I've splashed on a slightly better hotel than we would normally stay in (as its his birthday) but only went B&B as I like to go out for dinner. I hope he likes the surprise and I haven't messed up by booking without asking him.
Jaquaia
29-10-19, 08:12 PM
I'm sure he'll love it!
I'm sure he'll love it and you'll both have a great time!
I’ve never been to Portugal but it sounds great to me x
I think that is an amazing present for your other half sweetie x
How you doing gorgeous? Have you been able to speak to hubby at all?
Strugglingmum
30-10-19, 03:04 PM
How you doing gorgeous? Have you been able to speak to hubby at all?
I've been to psychology today and talked through a lot of stuff. It was good to help me gather my thoughts. Suzi I haven't had a chance and tbh after talking to my psychologist I've decided I need time to get my own head around things first before dealing with anyone else's response. I feel a bit better about things after talking to her and she feels that at the moment the EUPD diagnosis may fit but that does not mean it will always fit. She feels that as I deal with my trauma, the traits may fade, especially as they were not apparent before but even if they don't it is definitely something that I will deal with better as my trauma is treated.
Is it possible hubby will help you process it all?
Well done for talking it through, I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better about it all
I can understand what you are saying, but surely even just saying to Hubby that you are trying to process what has been said might help - I know for me it was always the not knowing with Marc that made things really hard. My head went to so many different ideas as to what was wrong.... It was so much easier when I knew what it was that he was dealing with and so we could at least work through it together...
Strugglingmum
30-10-19, 10:16 PM
I totally get that. Hubby isn't even aware that there is anything different. He has totally forgotten I was at the hospital so it's not like I'm blanking him. He doesn't cope well with hearing upsetting stuff so I need to process it first to help him get there. However today's session was really helpful in lots of ways and I'm more settled in my head about a lot of things. I feel in a much better place tonight.
I'm really glad that you are in a better place lovely...
Does he ever go to, or want to go to, your medical appointments?
Strugglingmum
31-10-19, 11:33 AM
Does he ever go to, or want to go to, your medical appointments?
No but he would probably go with a bit of puffing if I asked him to but I guess I'm kind of used to looking after myself.
Have you always kept your health away from him? I went to nearly every appointment with Marc right up to his last therapist who specifically asked me to leave him to get himself there and do the appointment on his own....
Strugglingmum
31-10-19, 02:14 PM
Until I took ill with my mental health i never had any health appointments for him to go to with me. Even when I was pregnant I did the antenatal mostly alone, he came to the big scan but that was it..... in fact he missed my daughters. I have always been very self sufficient but I understand now that that is because I have major trust issues with everyone. He doesn't expect me to need him and doesn't cope very well if I do. I guess we have different roles in the family.
He doesn't like to be nagged so I express something once, if its not acted on I just drop it and sort myself out.
I invite myself to any of his appointments I can possibly manage, maybe I should ask first(giggle)
Have you ever asked him to come with you? Maybe he thinks you don't want him to come or that you are so strong you don't need him... I hate going to appointments on my own!
Strugglingmum
31-10-19, 05:17 PM
I honestly don't mind being on my own. Sometimes it's just easier. He hates waiting rooms, hospitals etc . One time I had to go to a different hospital in a different town for a scan of my kidneys. He drove me there and waited in the car. I guess I've learnt over the years that I am the only person I can trust with me...... and even that's not great at times. Maybe that's why I struggle to ask for help at times.
I’ve found, over the years, that Si would be able to offer a different perspective for the doctors to consider. Just a thought
Oh hunni, that sounds so sad...
Strugglingmum
01-11-19, 12:54 PM
Suzi..... be ready to award a chufty badge...drumroll...... I went for my smear today... all up to date!! 3 years til the next one.
I can't believe it but my 17yr old daughter has just allowed me to do her formal make-up. She has never asked before and its such a silly thing but it made me feel like she is learning to accept me again. It made me smile and feel at peace with where we are together. Right this moment I feel bonded to her and that is so special. .. it's been so long.
That’s a massive post! Absolutely wonderful news :)
Jaquaia
01-11-19, 01:02 PM
That's brilliant!!! So pleased for you!
And well done you!
Suzi..... be ready to award a chufty badge...drumroll...... I went for my smear today... all up to date!! 3 years til the next one.
I can't believe it but my 17yr old daughter has just allowed me to do her formal make-up. She has never asked before and its such a silly thing but it made me feel like she is learning to accept me again. It made me smile and feel at peace with where we are together. Right this moment I feel bonded to her and that is so special. .. it's been so long.
OMFG! That's AMAZING! Definite chufty badge awarded! I'm so proud of you!
That's had me in tears (that and the song I'm currently listening to) I'm so pleased for you!!!
Your post has made me smile :)
Strugglingmum
01-11-19, 05:46 PM
Feeling tearful.... my daughter was at a formal a month ago and we paid to get her hair and make-up done for the night.
Today I did her hair and make-up and she prefers today's look to the one we paid for. She loves her eyes etc and says she feels more comfortable going out knowing she looks really good.
I dropped her off at her date's house and he had a lovely wrist corsage for her but then he only went and gave me a bunch of flowers and a huge box of chocolates. Such a lovely surprise. My daughter was well impressed and even more pleased for me than for her own corsage.
Jaquaia
01-11-19, 06:24 PM
Awww that's so lovely!!!
OldMike
01-11-19, 09:01 PM
That's so nice :)
How lovely!!!...now that's what I call a lovely lad! Good on him. I bet you're pleased your daughter is going out with someone so thoughtful!
Strugglingmum
03-11-19, 05:08 PM
Hey all. I have had such a busy weekend I am shattered. I'm sitting with my feet up watching back to back Christmas movies. Every part of my body aches but my mood is ok so I'll go with it. I have been sleeping a bit better and I know its really too early for the new meds to be making a difference but I feel as if I'm feeling a bit ..... well I'm not sure but hopeful maybe.
Hopeful is going to help on its own :). And yay! for Christmas movies (party)
Strugglingmum
03-11-19, 07:31 PM
Hopeful is going to help on its own :). And yay! for Christmas movies (party)
You are so right huni. Sorry I've been such a negative Nancy, I am going to really try and capture a bit of hope and try to hold on to It. I am burying my head in the sand a bit at the moment with regard to how I am going to manage family contact around Christmas. I guess I'm hoping my new meds will make a difference before then and maybe help me cope better.
Erm... most important question - which Christmas movies? Which is your favourite?
magie06
04-11-19, 07:59 AM
I sat watching Christmas movies on the Sony movie channel yesterday too!!
Strugglingmum
04-11-19, 06:23 PM
Erm... most important question - which Christmas movies? Which is your favourite?
Oh Suzi sooooooo many to choose from really depends on my mood. Love the old movies like White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, it's a wonderful life bit I also love cheesy Christmas romances and of course the all-time must watches... Elf and The Grinch, Polar Express. Stick a Christmas Tree in it and I'm hooked. I have a thing for Christmas Trees.
I love Miracle on 34th Street! So..... how are you feeling atm? When do you put your decs up?
Jaquaia
04-11-19, 06:52 PM
It's a Wonderful Life is my favourite!!!
Elf. It’s massive in my house :)
Strugglingmum
04-11-19, 09:33 PM
I love Miracle on 34th Street! So..... how are you feeling atm? When do you put your decs up?
Tbh I'm not quite sure how I am. I feel like I'm being a bit of an ostrich.... ignoring things that are too difficult to work out. I'm keeping excessively busy to distract and feel exhausted most of the time. I'm still battling su thoughts every day but I'm battling them. As i said to my psychiatrist, if I can just get to the point where I want to be safe. At the moment when people say, can you keep yourself safe, my problem is always that a lot of the time I don't want to be safe. Anyway, I'm ticking off the days. I'm going to bed shortly as I'm knackered. I'll take a tablet so I get sleep and tick off another day.
My husband is The Grinch! ! His rule is no tree til December...... however, that doesn't mean other little ornaments won't make their way out of the boxes.........
I'm so proud of you for being open and honest about that. I know it's really hard to do so.
Have you spoken to hubby about everything yet?
Strugglingmum
04-11-19, 09:43 PM
We have talked through some stuff but I'm still thinking through the new diagnosis (or ignoring it). At the moment for me it would not be helpful to have to go there with him. My focus is on battling my mood and thoughts at the moment and just trying to be mum and trying to find a glimpse of enjoying something. Having to deal with that as well is just too much for me right now.
Hunni, do you and A normally not talk about things which are difficult?
Strugglingmum
05-11-19, 05:51 PM
Oh yes. We discuss any difficult topic about the kids, money, him etc, its just me. I clam up about me. But I guess that's because I learnt early on to keep everything about me secret.... especially my feelings and emotions and thoughts. I work things out in my head first and then talk. i guess i dont fully trust anybody.... even the person closest to me. But i understand why that is.
So do I, but maybe you could start by breaking things down into bits - So maybe tell him you're changing meds.... Then tell him you have a diff diagnosis - you aren't able to explain it, but you wanted him to know that you are working through it etc?
Strugglingmum
05-11-19, 06:05 PM
He knows ive changed meds, i told him about that as he too had been concerned about the side effects I was having from the last ones. He's glad I've new ones to try and he knows that they are for people who haven't had improvement with the normal choice of drugs. I'm doing what my psychologist suggested for now and laying aside the diagnosis and all the turmoil associated with it and just concentrating on what I need to do to get through each day. I can pick it up when my mood is in a better place. She still maintains that when i have worked through my trauma that a lot of other thingscwill improve also and i can then pick up and work with what i need to do to stay well.
I hope that will happen too. And I think that will happen. That more will improve. Things are connected.
Reading about you watching christmas movies gives me a smile. I love them too :)
You are amazing. You are working so hard. I'm so proud of you!
OldMike
06-11-19, 09:55 AM
A very positive post SMum just take it day by day and you'll get there.
Strugglingmum
06-11-19, 05:47 PM
Had an appointment with my CPN today. She said that she felt I looked better than the last time she saw me. My sleeping is a bit better so I think its helping me overall. I'm desperately trying to keep positive and keep a bit of hope that these new meds will help me.
Attended my floristry course today. Did a nice table arrangement for one of my assessment pieces. It worked out fairly well and i think its good enough for a pass. went for a swim this afternoon too.
Getting my hair done tomorrow which will be nice but means I won't swim. Hopefully I'll get a swim on Friday.
Jaquaia
06-11-19, 05:54 PM
I didn't really feel the benefit until I was on the top dose. Hopefully it will start kicking in soon for you
You're doing amazingly well hunni... Keep talking to those around you.
I am keeping my fingers crossed with regards to the meds. I hope they will help and do good work. So nice to get your hair done. That will be a nice treat.
And what a great course. Is it a long one?
Morning lovely, how are you today?
Hi, lovely, what are you up to today?
Strugglingmum
07-11-19, 06:33 PM
I met up with a friend this morning that I haven't seen in years. We were very close when our kids were small and did lots together but we have grown apart just due to life over past lot of years but whenever we meet its as if we were together just yesterday, we just pick up. We talked for 3 hours solid and caught up on life. I shared my illness with her and she caught me up on her life. It was lovely. Then I went and got my hair done so no grey. Came home, cooked dinner and ready to lift my hook. The fire is lit and I'm warm. Today is the first day I can remember in a long time that I haven't had a strong su urge to fight. It's been more peaceful than in a long long time.
That is one of the best posts I've read! That's amazing! I'm so thrilled for you! :)
Strugglingmum
07-11-19, 08:39 PM
Some of you will know how special this is.....this evening my daughter asked, mum how about we do a jigsaw and watch a movie? My heart exploded!! For us.... it's always Pitch Perfect... singalong it's ridiculous that we could act in that movie.
Added to that, today she was officially discharged from CAMHS. That's how well she has been doing. I'm super proud of her.
Awww that is brilliant sweetie x
Thanks for sharing this with us. I am in bed right now and this makes me happy. Its great to spend the evening this way and have a good time with a friend :).
How are you today lovely?
Strugglingmum
08-11-19, 01:10 PM
this morning I woke up a bit grumpy. I'm tired and I didn't sleep great with nightmares. I was whinging to myself because my day was taken up with having to run my teens around to work, college, bus stops etc and I found myself saying, I wish I Could have a day just for me to do exactly what I want without having to think of being mum or housewife or wife. then it struck me.... today I actually thought enough of myself to think I need a day to me. Today I believed that I'm important enough to have a day to enjoy, not sort everyone else out. That may sound silly but for so long I have felt so unworthy of consideration undeserving of anything nice. I may not get that day, but at least today I thought enough of myself to think I deserved one.
Sorry if this sounds rambly and selfish. I really do love my family and don't mind looking after them.
That doesn’t sound silly, ramble or selfish. That sounds wonderful! :)
Definitely not silly to me - in fact I had a similar conversation with my pain psychologist today.... I'm proud of you!
magie06
08-11-19, 04:01 PM
That's not silly at all. The best annology I've ever heard, when you are on an airplane, you are told to put your own mask on first, before helping babies and children. This is because if you don't, you won't be able to help anyone.
The same applies to family. You can't pour from an empty jug. If you are burnt out, you are no good to anyone.
I agree with Magie's analogy! You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have thoughts like that. You have a lot of people depending on you - dare I say hubby included? - mums and wives are the mental and emotional mainstay of most families. Can you farm the kids out on sleepovers? Can hubby go away for the night with his mates? OR...can you go with a friend for the night to a Spa and let hubby look after the kids?
Strugglingmum
12-11-19, 10:06 PM
Back to psychology today.
Was a tough session and I'm feeling a bit flat, in fact have been for a couple of days.
Keeping busy and distracting.
What are you doing to keep busy? And what do you do ro distract?
Eventhough it was tough I hope it helped.
Jaquaia
12-11-19, 10:13 PM
(panda)
A tough session, but do you think it’s helping you deal with things?
You're quiet - I'm worried about you. What's going on in your head?
Strugglingmum
13-11-19, 05:43 PM
I'm sorry I don't mean to worry you. I'm just plodding along trying to keep afloat.
I'm going to my centre, swimming, crochet just doing what I need to do. my mood is a bit low and my psychologist is thinking we might need to stop work for a while and that's stressing me a bit.
A pause in any treatment isn’t always a bad thing, lovely. Why is it stressing you?
I'm glad that you are OK lovely. Bit flat? Remember you're stopping one load of meds and starting a new - it's all going to take time.
Strugglingmum
14-11-19, 08:16 PM
I didn't make it out of my pjs today. I took my daughter to her bus this morning (yes in my pjs) and came home and got back into bed. I finally slept again and didn't awaken til 11:30. I did get up and do some housework and laundry but saw no need to get dressed. I've been crocheting most of the evening to keep me busy. It's been dry here today..... first in days.
I was meant to meet friends for coffee this morning but I couldn't face it, I just felt so tired. One of them did message me to say they missed me, it was thoughtful of her.
Was it a "I need a pj day" day or an "I can't face anything and want to hide from the world before it swallows me whole" kind of day?
Strugglingmum
14-11-19, 09:14 PM
Probably a bit of both. I do feel really tired but I also just couldn't face the world today. Tomorrow I'll have to go out so maybe that will give me the kick I need. I very rarely don't get dressed but today just didn't seem any point. It feels like it would be very easy to crawl in to bed and not leave it, but I dont want to start that as its never something ive done even on my worst days. Ive no idea whats wrong with me
We all have days like that. And they are not the best. But try not to dwell on it to much. I try to see going to bed as a reset and go from there. Thats easier said then done. And it does not work every time. But I hope it will for you today (panda)
I agree with Mira - sometimes we all have days like that..
Hopefully today is a bit brighter....
Morning, sweetie, how are you today?
Strugglingmum
15-11-19, 02:56 PM
I've been up and moving all day. more a case of had to rather than wanted to. I had to drive my daughter to college as I slept in and she missed the bus(by 30 mins) :( It takes an hour for the return journey. I got home, got dinner ready and into the slow cooker. Drove my son to work in the next town, did a couple of errands, went for a swim, grabbed a salad out of Asda for my lunch and now I'm waiting on my daughter to come out of college to head home. I have my crochet in the car but I can't really be bothered with it, although I have orders waiting. I'll settle down to it this evening. plodding.
You sound flat... Are you OK?
Strugglingmum
15-11-19, 04:07 PM
I am feeling a bit low. my head is just all over the place trying to work things out and understand myself. I actually just want to crawl into bed and stay there.
I can understand that love... Can you be kind to you?
Strugglingmum
15-11-19, 06:48 PM
Picked up my hook. It helps
I can relate to that. I guess a lot of us have that too. Trying to understand things about ourselfs. Trying to learn and be kind to ourselfs. And through understanding hopefully learn how to cope better (panda)
I do know that I am happy when I see you post. Even if its to say you feel low or that things are difficult. You are such a beautiful part of this place that I miss you when its silent. (no pressure) just me saying how much I like you.
Strugglingmum
16-11-19, 10:56 PM
Busy morning cleaning and shopping. Have been crocheting most of the rest of the day. I've my last order done, just need to sew on buttons and sew in ends.
Have also eaten really badly today, just junk junk junk. Need to wise up and get healthy. Heading to bed as just need to end today and start new tomorrow.
magie06
16-11-19, 11:01 PM
While I was at the knitting and stitching show last week, we shared a table with about 6 others who were all belonging to a group called "The happy hookers". Maybe we should call you lot that!! You could start a new thread! (whew)
Maybe you need to be kinder to you? Stop beating yourself up about it - you're eating. That's good. You can work on what you eat later....
I agree with Suzi.
There are certain days were we need to be extra kind to ourselfs. And on those days its not a good idea to beat yourself up over what you have eaten.
You are such a wonderful woman. And you are coping with a lot. Try not to dwell on the good. You finished the orders and I hope you enjoyed it. And I wish you are having a great sunday (panda)
How are you doing, lovely?
Hey love, how's things today?
Strugglingmum
17-11-19, 02:18 PM
Up and out to church this morning. It always helps me to get to church.
I made French toast for lunch with some bacon. Feeling tired and a bit flat.
Feeling tired and a bit flat.
It’s not the first time you’ve said that. When’s your next appointment?
Strugglingmum
17-11-19, 04:47 PM
It’s not the first time you’ve said that. When’s your next appointment?
I don't know. I was so upset last time leaving my psychiatrist that I forgo vto ask. I'll just wait on one being sent out. i see my CPN start of December.
Is it ok to wait till then or maybe call and ask for an appointment?
Is there no way you can call to find out about your psych appointment and maybe bring your CPN appointment forward?
I really think you need to see someone before then, if you can. Would you be able to call tomorrow?
Strugglingmum
17-11-19, 09:04 PM
Do you think I need to?
I feel like I'm plodding on although it is feeling tough. I'm finding it hard to judge
I think it might be sensible, You’ve been low and flat for a while and everything seems to be a struggle
I have to completely agree with Paula. No harm in checking in with someone - being totally honest about how you are feeling and touching base.... Will you make that call tomorrow morning? Tell them that it's important?
(panda) How are you doing today?
Hey, love, have you managed to call yet?
Strugglingmum
18-11-19, 07:45 PM
I've had a really busy day. I really haven't had time to think but I'm guessing I need to give the new medication time to kick in. it's not quite 3 weeks so it's still early on.
Thats true. How are you feeling now?
Strugglingmum
18-11-19, 09:08 PM
Tired, always tired. X
I've had a really busy day. I really haven't had time to think but I'm guessing I need to give the new medication time to kick in. it's not quite 3 weeks so it's still early on.
That’s true, but I’m sure your CPN would want to know that you’re struggling this badly ...
I agree with Paula, please let them know you are struggling - be honest and open.
Strugglingmum
19-11-19, 06:14 PM
I spoke to my CPN. I need to give the new medication time. As i thought, she said its still early days. I have an appointment through for my psychiatrist for 23rd Dec. My CPN says she will speak to him before that if I'm still struggling in a couple of weeks.
How do you feel about that? Is that ok or would you like to talk sooner? And how has your day been otherwise?
Well done for speaking to your CPN. I think you're awesome.
How are you doing SM? I have missed you.
I was thinking about you earlier and wondering how things were?
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