Diary of a book addict

[Jaquaia]

I have no intention of being anything but myself with them. We've discussed my first meeting being with his mum and dad there too. I want them to see what a relationship should be like between two people who love each other, as there is no way on this earth I want them growing up thinking that was normal.

[Paula]

What I was thinking, really, is you maybe don’t want to wait very much longer as it’ll give her the opportunity to turn them against you itms

[Jaquaia]

I'll bring it up with him when he's feeling a bit better

[Suzi]

^^^wss and, actually, she will make sure they know about you - you owe it to J to see that they see how wonderful you are
You owe it to you too.

I have no intention of being anything but myself with them. We've discussed my first meeting being with his mum and dad there too. I want them to see what a relationship should be like between two people who love each other, as there is no way on this earth I want them growing up thinking that was normal.
Exactly - but you have to figure how YOU feel into all this too. Is there an idea of timeframe for you to meet them? It would make sense to me to do it before Christmas - then they can have 2 christmases - 1 with her and 1 with a loving and sensible and awesome couple who will surround them with love.....


What I was thinking, really, is you maybe don’t want to wait very much longer as it’ll give her the opportunity to turn them against you itms
^^ exactly this...

[Jaquaia]

We've not discussed it since she was told so I honestly don't know. I suppose I would like to meet them before Christmas. He did say soon but with how organised he is, soon could be when A starts secondary! We need to sit down and discuss it properly really.

[Angie]

Sitting and discussing it sounds a good idea sweetie xx

[Suzi]

And you need to help him with his organisational skills (rofl)

[Jaquaia]

Oh yes! We've briefly touched on it tonight and he said possibly before Christmas...

[Suzi]

Woohoo! I can't see any reasons for waiting! They need you in your life and you need to live your happy life.

[Jaquaia]

Well I've found out tonight that she hasn't even been seeing this guy for 3 months yet and wants to introduce him to the children when they get to 3 months...

[Suzi]

So why are you and J waiting?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Ultimately it's up to him when he tells them

[Suzi]

True.... I think he's mad keeping you from them, but that's just my pov as I know you're so perfect for them.

[Jaquaia]

I'll just have to see what happens

[Suzi]

Yup.... (bear)

[Paula]

It is his decision, but you do have a say too - this is a massive thing in your life and your future. You shouldn’t be shut out of it ....

[Jaquaia]

You're right but when have I ever bothered much about myself?

[Paula]

I think this needs to be the time ......

[Suzi]

I agree. You need to be talking to him about this. You are important and you need to put you first. What do YOU want in this?

[Jaquaia]

I would like for them to know about me before Christmas. She wants to introduce them to her new guy when they've been together 3 months... if she thinks that's acceptable then why shouldn't they know about me?

And it hurts that he feels some upset about her moving on. I understand it but it still hurts.

[Suzi]

She's been a big part of his life - and he has to grieve for the future he isn't going to have - I'm sure in his head he had seen them getting old together etc and as you know it doesn't matter how crap that relationship was, you still grieve for it..... But he's had over 2 years to deal with that....

[Jaquaia]

They only actually split up a year ago...

I need to try and stop overthinking things

[Paula]

I struggled when Katies dad remarried, even though I’d remarried and we had Jess. As Suzi says, it’s normal to feel that grief for what could have been. But of course it’s tough for you (panda). Thankfully, though, this is one of the final ‘events’ in their relationship that will affect him

Why wait til before Christmas? Particularly as kids are overly excited and emotional during December. Why can’t he tell them now?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. My worry is it will go the same way as telling her went as I know she wouldn't know about me if she hadn't told him she was seeing someone first. I have said that he can let her go first if he wants as I think they will know about her new guy by the end of next month...

[Suzi]

But you two have been together for 2 years now isn't it? Why doesn't he see how much this kind of secrecy is so hard on you?

[Jaquaia]

I think he does see, he's just so used to avoiding dealing with things

[Paula]

Then maybe you need to push him?

[Jaquaia]

I think one way to do it is to get him to talk it through with his parents and see what they think...

[Paula]

Good plan.

[Suzi]

Absolutely. His parents seem like they have their heads screwed on sensibly and actually just want the best for him... They can obviously see that is you!

[Jaquaia]

His mum and dad have gone to a couple of authors talks in Beverley and his mum has just invited me to go with them next year! :)

[Suzi]

Oh you'll love that! They obviously see you as a long term person in their lives!

[Jaquaia]

It makes me happy that they've accepted me. We've even sat and discussed getting married with them!

[Suzi]

That's awesome!

[Jaquaia]

When the time comes his mum will advise him on where to look for engagement rings so he doesn't spend an absolute fortune! And his dad has refused to wear a "penguin suit"(giggle)

[OldMike]

When the time comes his mum will advise him on where to look for engagement rings so he doesn't spend an absolute fortune! And his dad has refused to wear a "penguin suit"(giggle)

Haha I'm not in to penguin suits either (giggle)

[Paula]

Does his mum know the sort of ring you’d like? Only I know my mil wouldn’t. If not, some training in order methinks ;)

[Jaquaia]

Yes! White gold, blue topaz and a simple setting!!! Though James knows my taste pretty well!

[Paula]

Oooo pretty!

It’s good to see James not J :)

[Jaquaia]

It's good not to have to hide :) I love being able to share photos of us too.

[Paula]

I love that you can too :)

[Suzi]

It's all so fabulous! :)
I've my eye on a frock! Oh yes, a full on frock!

[Jaquaia]

I've pretty much chosen my wedding dress already!!! And we've discussed first dance song and reception!!!

[Suzi]

Awesome! :)

ETA - you've chosen your wedding dress without us? I HAVE done this virtual bridesmaid thing before... We NEED to have a proper bridal thread going! :)

[Jaquaia]

He's not even proposed yet!!! (giggle)

Will show you in my other thread ;)

[Suzi]

He'd better get on with it....

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

F*ck sake, what's the man need? It only took Marc 5 days! :)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

[Paula]

Awesome! :)

ETA - you've chosen your wedding dress without us? I HAVE done this virtual bridesmaid thing before... We NEED to have a proper bridal thread going! :)

ABSOLUTELY we do! You ain’t doing this without me, woman.


F*ck sake, what's the man need? It only took Marc 5 days! :)

Yup!

[Jaquaia]

So after writing 15 sides of notes yesterday, I've decided to have an easy day with computer based learning and starting my TMA (giggle)

[Paula]

Are you working 7 days a week?

[Jaquaia]

No. Had a few days off. This last chapter was just so information dense as it was all on neurons and synapses, so lots of notes and diagrams. I'll be working today and tomorrow as part of my assignment is due on Tuesday, and taking my textbook with me to James' as I'm staying there Tuesday and Wednesday night but I won't be doing a lot of study whilst I'm there.

[OldMike]

15 pages of notes that is intense, I think you're entitled to an easy day today.

[Jaquaia]

Well... I said easy...

Lots of video clips on neurons, neurotransmitters and synapses!!!

[Angie]

Glad your going to get some rest days in sweetie x

[Suzi]

But most importantly, are you enjoying the course?

[Jaquaia]

I really am. It's really helped me understand how antidepressants work too. The BPS accredited bit can be a bit overwhelming but the mental health stuff is fascinating.

[Suzi]

So glad that you're loving it...

[Jaquaia]

I'm only starting my 3rd week so I may yet change my mind!!!

[Suzi]

Nah you won't - you're born to do this...

[Jaquaia]

The counselling bit I will agree with, not completely convinced about the psychology bit!

Last session tonight!!! I'm a little bit gutted but it's one step nearly completed on my journey.

[Angie]

You will be brilliant sweetie xx

[Suzi]

You are brilliant, this is what you are meant to do...

[Jaquaia]

I wish I had that kind of faith in myself but I do have to admit, this feels more like a vocation than a career. It fascinates me and I find myself wanting to know and understand more of the mental health side. The counselling side feels comfortable and natural.

[Paula]

Big grins in hampshire ;)

[Suzi]

And in Surrey...

[Jaquaia]

Even just 3 weeks in to level 2, 2 of my modules are leaning me more towards the MSc in Mental Health Science once I graduate. Obviously I will do a lot of research once the application deadlines are approaching but it's fascinating. Even tempted to try and write my Masters dissertation on the role of online peer support in recovery. I hadn't even put this much thought into my BA dissertation the week before it was due!!!

[Suzi]

It's obviously meant to be!

[Jaquaia]

Proud of myself for getting through this course. When I look back and think of how scared I was before my first session my progress is amazing. I have gained so much confidence and it's reinforced that this is what I want to do with my life. And get this...

I volunteered to have a 20 minute counselling session in front of the whole group! Me!!!

[Angie]

I have such a smile on my face reading the last few of your posts sweetie xx

[Paula]

That. Is. Awesome!

[Jaquaia]

I felt like an absolute tit when I volunteered. No one else wanted to do it and the woman next to me asked me to volunteer so I did then immediately kicked myself!!! I started talking about feeling overwhelmed with everything that I have on but what came out is I'm scared of my ADs stopping working and being as ill as I was, and also that I have this little voice in my head that constantly tells me I'm not good enough and that has been there since I was a child. It made me realise a few things and I even got a round of applause at the end and everyone telling me I was brilliant and really brave. I'm not used to feedback like that.

[Suzi]

But you are brilliant and brave.

To have counselling in front of others is really brave! I'm so proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I've really surprised myself over the last 7 weeks. I can't wait to start level 2!

[Suzi]

Can't believe you've finished the course already! When does level 2 start?

[Jaquaia]

March. I've already put my name down for it.

[Suzi]

Good for you! :)

[Angie]

Good xx

[Paula]

Better start believing, gorgeous!

[OldMike]

I felt like an absolute tit when I volunteered. No one else wanted to do it and the woman next to me asked me to volunteer so I did then immediately kicked myself!!! I started talking about feeling overwhelmed with everything that I have on but what came out is I'm scared of my ADs stopping working and being as ill as I was, and also that I have this little voice in my head that constantly tells me I'm not good enough and that has been there since I was a child. It made me realise a few things and I even got a round of applause at the end and everyone telling me I was brilliant and really brave. I'm not used to feedback like that.

You did brilliantly there Jaq, I'm very proud of you.

Perhaps now you'll start to believe what the rest of us have been saying for years. (panda)

[Jaquaia]

We've de-Cruella'd the bedroom. Sealed up 2 boxes of her books.

J - what shall I write on the boxes?
Me - Cruella's books

He only bloody did write that!!!!

[Paula]

(rofl) and I’m so happy he’s reclaiming the place for the two of you!

[Angie]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

Good! I'm glad he's doing that!

[Jaquaia]

J run me a bubble bath! I think I'm in heaven! Only been able to have showers for around 8 years now so feeling all boneless and relaxed now! (inlove)

[Suzi]

So glad you're having fun! :)

[Paula]

Ooooo lovely. Not jealous at all ....

[Angie]

I love hot baths, good on J xx

[Jaquaia]

Home. Don't want to be. Oh well, just have to suck it up and get on with it.

[Suzi]

Are you OK? Are you home because he's having the children?

[Jaquaia]

Yes. He's taking them away for a few days over half term. He's currently trying to decide when it will be the right time to tell them about me.

I'm ok mostly. I just hate coming back when I've had a few days with him. I feel like I'm home when I'm there. He noticed that as soon as we got back into Hull I started fiddling with my ring splint as my anxiety levels started creeping up. It's just something I have to deal with as best as I can

[Suzi]

Oh love.. (panda) I'm glad that he's working on when he's going to talk to the children. Hopefully he'll do it really soon.....

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea and it's the not knowing that gets to me most as I feel completely out of control. On top of that, it's TOTM, my mum has rang me 3 times today about her meds, they've both not stopped wittering at me since they got back from my sisters so I'm struggling a bit today.

[Paula]

Maybe he’ll find the right time while he’s away with them. Big hugs, lovely

[Suzi]

Why has she called you three times about her meds? Couldn't your sister help?

Hope that he manages to do it soon lovely....

[Jaquaia]

She got given a last minute appointment with the podiatrist (me who asked for the referral as she hadn't despite me telling her she needed it for the last year and a bit...) and she needed a list of her medication for him. I've told her before to keep a copy of her repeat slips in her bag for this very reason. I texted her a list, and bearing in mind she's on 46 tablets a day, you can imagine how long that took me... She then rang me back as she thought I'd missed things off... She then rang me this afternoon asking if I'd put her prescription in as the chemist couldn't find it. It was put in (and issued) on Friday and the chemist still didn't have it all so I've had to give her a strip of my hydroxychloroquine. I've had to sort out all her meds tonight. Had my dad going on about his fish tank, my mum asking lots of questions like did I enjoy my time away from them, did we have any trouble from her etc. My brother will take my mum to some appointments if she can't drive afterwards as I don't feel confident enough/aren't allowed to drive her car, but other then that, I get no other help from either my brother or sister.

I just want to be back in Cherry with J. I feel peaceful there and so at home there and so much happier.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni I'm sorry you have so little help from everyone.... Although I feel that my little sister gets dumped with all my Mum's cr(p too....

[Jaquaia]

It's what I'm used to

[Suzi]

Doesn't make it right though

[Jaquaia]

All I get told when I say they could actually help every now and again is they have their own life, he works full time, she works part time and has Scarlett, so they can't really expect it of them. Pretty much feels like I'm the unemployed and childless one so it all falls to me

[Paula]

You’re not unemployed, you’re too ill to work at the moment (though you’re working on that). There’s a big difference

[Suzi]

Erm, you're a student, ill and a carer all rolled into one - any one of those alone is enough.....

[Jaquaia]

Just been asked by my mum about her new meds which I've explained 4 times now in 4 days. Got called an arsey c*** by by dad and how he's sick of me treating her like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). I do pretty much everything for her with no consideration for my own health. I have them going on at me when I can't cope with people talking to me and have to just accept it. I get interrupted all the time when I am trying to study. Yet I get told I'm treating her like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) because I'm a bit snappy at the moment. My sister can have a go at her all the time, is arsey with her all the time, but I forgot that the favourite child is allowed to do that. Nothing is ever said to her, or my brother. I forgot I don't really count and never really have. My dad talks to her as if she's something he's just stood in half the time and that's ok. Me being a little snappy because I'm struggling and fed up of having to explain things repeatedly isn't allowed.

I hate it here. I don't want to be here anymore. I hate having to come back here. I hate having to live here. I hate being taken for granted. I hate seeing how little I matter. I hate being treated like a child. But I have to accept it as I have nowhere else to go

[Suzi]

That's horrible! How dare he call you something like that!

Sweetheart I'm so sorry.... You don't deserve to be spoken to like that at all. You are far more than they are treating you. If I had anywhere you could stay you could come to me....

[Angie]

I wish I had room for you here babe as am only an hour by car from you x

[Jaquaia]

Thank you both.

Suzi, it's not the first time he's called me that. This time I walked out of the room after telling him I must have learnt it from him then. I have no idea when I get to escape either as all J says about telling the children is to trust him and it has to be the right time for them. I understand that but it doesn't make things any easier, especially knowing what he's like.

[OldMike]

My mum and dad never spoke to me like that in all the years I lived with them. I'm not surprised you would rather live somewhere else. Unfortunately I've no advice to offer and the sooner J tells the children about you the better.

[Paula]

Sweetheart, I know there’s all sorts of factors but maybe you need to be pushing J more. You need to put yourself high on that list of priorities, you deserve better from everyone involved .....

[Jaquaia]

I don't see it because I've never really had it. Part of me is wondering if my dad is part of the reason why I jumped into things with dickhead so quickly. It was all pretty normalised to be spoken to like dirt on a shoe as that's how my dad was talking to ky mum half the time.

[Paula]

Maybe, I don’t know, but it’s time to take control and say that you are important and you deserve to be cherished

[Angie]

Sweetie it might be why you jumped so quick and its something I have done, but you deserve better and they also need to realise that you have a life aswell, they no your going to move out at some point and you cannot always just drop everything.

[Jaquaia]

It's always been the case. It's not the first time he's called me it and it probably won't be the last

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

There is no way that anyone should talk to you like that. You are a wonderful person who I am blessed to know... If he thinks that describes you then he's the one with a f*ing big problem and the sooner you are out the better - but I agree with Paula. J needs to see how much you need this too and needs to get his head out of the sand and make you the top of his priority list. Yes it's important that the kids know, and only right that he should tell them, BUT he needs a rocket up his arse to do anything!

[Jaquaia]

I've told him that I would like them to at least know about me by Christmas but I don't know if it will happen. I wouldn't put it past her to tell them about me out of spite. I feel guilty pushing it but he keeps telling me to trust him where the children are concerned.

[Paula]

Christmas? Just to know? By Christmas I’d want to have met them a few times and have started talking to them about the future. At the very least

[Jaquaia]

I can't see it happening. He keeps saying about wanting to do things carefully where the children are concerned...

My mum has just been up to speak to me. She hadn't realised my dad called me a c*** and she's angry at him. She also thinks that I upset him pointing out just how poorly he speaks to her at times as he's been really quiet since.

[Suzi]

I don't understand why he is dragging his heels so much with this. Their lives will only be for the better with you in it. I can't imagine how you are feeling....

I'm glad your Mum came and spoke to you lovely..

[Jaquaia]

He says because it needs doing right, that if I'm introduced to them gently it will be a lot better for everyone, and it needs to be the right time and to trust him. I told him that the longer he leaves telling them, the more chance there is of someone else mentioning me or her telling them out of spite.

[Paula]

Thing is, he’s not introducing you gently, he’s not introducing you at all ......

[Suzi]

Introducing you gently would suggest that they knew about you and then he was going to introduce you, spend a couple of hours together, then a few more the next week, then a few more.... Until you move in and spend the whole weekend/time itms?

[Jaquaia]

I know you're both right but I don't feel like I can complain too much as they're his children and he knows them best

[Paula]

Is his hesitance about them or about him, though? And, yes, you can comment - this is about your life too

[Jaquaia]

I don't actually know. He just says about doing it right for the kids

[Suzi]

Maybe you need to say to him that this is something that you feel needs to happen sooner - before cruella has had her chance to be spiteful about you?

[Jaquaia]

I have said that

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart (bear) You're stuck between a rock and a hard place.... I really feel for you x

[Jaquaia]

I feel that all I can do is wait and see

[Suzi]

It sounds as if you are doubting that things are going to change for a while.... You actually sound sad and flat...

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

It sounds as if you are doubting that things are going to change for a while.... You actually sound sad and flat...

I think part of me is. It's taken so long for him to just tell her, there isn't much that makes me think this will be any different. I understand that it needs to be done gently, but I want it to be him that tells them, not her in a moment of spite.

[Suzi]

I can totally understand that - it also struck me as odd that he didn't pack her stuff away before you went to stay.... There's telling them gently and then there's just not doing anything to push forward...

[Mira]

Just catching up on your thread. And I agree with what others have mentioned. Doing it slowly is different from bot at all. And one thing I learn in therapy is that things can exist together. Like understanding he wants to do things in one way because he feels its right for the children. But also be a bit angry about it because it leaves you waiting and on the side line.

Going to send you one big (panda)

[Suzi]

Actually I think Mira has hit it spot on.Epically good post Mira. I think you are completely right to be a complete jumble of emotions...

[Jaquaia]

My hands and wrists are aching, they're not reacting well to the colder weather at all. Never actually get asked if I'm okay though before my mum volunteers me for jobs involving my hands...

Funnily enough, my mood is much better now my TOTM has finished. I think I may have to give in and speak to my GP about it...

[Angie]

Aww sweetie please pace if not rest, can you ask your mum to ask you before volunteering you for things

[Jaquaia]

There wouldn't be much point as she'll just keep doing it.

[Angie]

Sweetie can you start refusing and saying to her that you will do that until she asks you first xx

[Suzi]

What's she volunteering you for?
Please go and see your Dr love..... TOTM is having a massive effect on your mood love...

[Jaquaia]

Reorganising the kitchen cupboard as my dad started sorting out and was finding it uncomfortable kneeling on the floor

It's not just a one off is it? I keep thinking it will be better the next time but then I'm so irregular that I find it difficult to keep track. 11, 5, 4, 6... number of weeks between my last few. No wonder I find it hard to realise this could be why when my mood starts dropping. I don't know what they could do though. I'm not changing my meds, this is the first time I have been anywhere near stable.

[Paula]

What meds are you thinking they’ll change?

As to clearing out the cupboards, hunni you really need to learn how to say no ....

[Jaquaia]

My dad did it on his own but I don't know if that was because he didn't want my mum fussing or he saw me massaging my wrist. I don't feel like I can say no since I don't pay board...

I'm only on the pregabalin and vortioxetine for my MH. I don't want them to take the vortioxetine off me if I tell them I'm still struggling with my mood at times. It's made such a huge difference to me. But there aren't really any studies on it with other ADs. I guess I'm content to bury my head about this as I can function most of the time now.

[Paula]

It’s hormonal, hunni, so they’ll look at hormonal treatment first, I’d think. Have you not considered that?

[Suzi]

It's obviously hormonal, it happens just as totm hits and lifts as soon as it's over....

[Jaquaia]

I feel stupid that I hadn't considered that...

[Angie]

Not stupid at all sweetie

[Suzi]

Not stupid! You are very, very far from stupid!

[Paula]

Not at all, it’s easier to see these things from the outside sometimes

[Jaquaia]

I will try and get in to see my GP. At least I'm getting my flu jab out of the way tomorrow...

[Suzi]

How you doing gorgeous? Have you had your flu jab? Got an appointment?

[Jaquaia]

No appointments available, arms suitably stabbed, apparently my CRP levels are up and down so I still have active disease.

Oh and I have hit 4st weight loss!!!! Not too bad with the amount of crisps and chocolate I've been eating!!!

I'm pretty chuffed as I was expecting a significant increase. My mood is fairly level today, my eyes are gritty so that is annoying me but my eye drops should sort that out... mostly anyway.

[Suzi]

Go you! That's amazing!

[Jaquaia]

I jumped off the scales and jumped back on a few times as I thought it must be a mistake!

EDIT:
Just worked it out... I've lost 55lbs!!!! :o

[Paula]

WOWOWOWOWOWOW THATS INCREDIBLE (party)

[Suzi]

Wow! That's awesome! :) Well done lovely!

[magie06]

(party)(party)(party)That is AMAZING!! Well done.(party)(party)(party)

[OldMike]

Wow that's brilliant (party)

[Angie]

Way to go you, thats amazing sweetie xx

[Jaquaia]

Thank you all. I'm still amazed! It's a huge amount!!! I've lost 1st 4lbs in the last year alone and I've done it all naturally, without dieting, just walking more and making better choices. I can tell the difference as it's not often my back hurts when I'm walking now. I know it's slow going and I didn't expect it to be anything else because of the PCOS, but to have lost almost 4st in just under 2 years is much quicker than I thought it would take! (party)

Need to crack on with my essay for my level 1 now!

[Angie]

Remember the story of the tortoise and the hare ;)

[Suzi]

You're amazing! So proud of you!

[OldMike]

Slow and steady is better, well done.

[Paula]

Thing is, you’ve lost it in the only way to stop yo-yo dieting - slowly and making lifestyle changes. I’m so proud of you :)

[Suzi]

If you'd like to kick me I'd be grateful ;)

[Jaquaia]

I think the metformin has helped a lot. I started shifting a lot once the doctor increased the dosage.

Celebrating with a kitkat and a snickers wannabe (giggle)

[Suzi]

Good for you! :)

[Jaquaia]

Just got an amazon echo dot for 99p! Early birthday present for me! (rofl)

99p with a months subscription to amazon music unlimited, so £8.98 in total. Just need to cancel the music subscription next month! Bargain!

[Suzi]

That is totally bargainous!

[Jaquaia]

My arm has reacted to the flu jab exactly the same as last year! Hopefully it won't get much bigger than it currently is!

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

OO ouch! Can you take an antihistamine?

[Paula]

Oh no .....

[Jaquaia]

She said to just take paracetamol so I'll do that if it starts bugging me

[Jaquaia]

Yet again, come downstairs and get asked if I'll cook tea by my mum as my dads back is hurting. No please. I refused to answer until she used her manners then reminded her that manners don't hurt. She does absolutely nothing in the house now and it gets frustrating. If I'm downstairs she doesn't even make a cup of tea, she gets me to do it! Half the time she doesn't make herself a sandwich, me or my dad does it. I've started running a sink with tea so pots are washed straight away and it's only the last week or so that she's started washing her own plate! Before that she'd put it in the sink and leave it for me or my dad to wash up. I've washed and changed both beds today and spent the rest of the afternoon with my head in my textbooks getting material together for my essay, so it's not like I've done nothing today.

I just don't get how someone can be happy to sit and do absolutely nothing. I get that she's in pain, but there are small things she could pace and do, sit on her stool and sort the washing for example.

[Suzi]

Thing is, if you keep allowing her to do so when you do move out she won't be able to do anything - it's exactly the same with my sister (who my mother clicks her fingers and calls "oh slave"... I can't tell you how angry I am about that) ... I always say "you have to use it before you lose it"....

You must be furious!

[Jaquaia]

I'm more resigned. The lack of manners thing I'm always tackling her about and all I get is "well if you let me finish talking I was going to say please". The giant pause kind of implies that she had finished speaking but hey ho. I don't feel like I can say no as I'm staying here for nothing

[Paula]

You’re not staying there for nothing. Payment comes in all sorts of ways. But there’s a difference between helping your mum and your parents treating you like a servant ....

[Angie]

Paula has said what I was going to sweetie, what do they do when you are at J's for a couple of days?

[Suzi]

Hate to say it, but I agree too.

You appear to be doing all the domestic chores, cooking a lot, acting like a carer sorting meds and hospital appointments etc... Sweetheart that's too much...

[OldMike]

I'm goin' to jump on the band wagon too, you're doing a hell of a lot looking after your parents, I know when I was looking after mum in her later years it takes its toll on you.

You need time to yourself to do things for you.

[Jaquaia]

The first things she said to me when I got in from my driving lesson was "I thought you were going to the shops"...

[Suzi]

And you said....

[Jaquaia]

I never said I was going straight away. Just got back though. I took some ibuprofen when I showered as my left arm is aching and I have quite a large hot, red patch where I had my jab.

I made a few silly mistakes this morning, got the accelerator when I wanted the brake! But since I had the clutch down too it didn't do anything but rev the engine! Did some more new roads, was a bit over-cautious at times, but overall it was a really good lesson! Missing last week hasn't affected me, which is good as I'm missing my lesson in 3 weeks as J is taking me out for the day for my birthday

[Suzi]

Woohoo, are you going anywhere nice?

Hunni, we all make silly mistakes - You worked out what you had done wrongly and fixed it -that's important.

[Jaquaia]

No idea yet. I just told him not Whitby or Robin Hood's Bay

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

He's also been told that if he proposes in either of those places, Grosmont too, then I will tell him no.

[Angie]

(giggle)

[Suzi]

Good for you! Make him work for it!

[Jaquaia]

Ffs!!! Just told my mum that I'm staying with James next Thursday and Friday and staying most of the week in a couple of weeks time. Said I'm likely to be at his from Sunday night and be back the Thursday teatime (my birthday).

She actually turned round and told me no and that my dad wouldn't be happy as I know he likes spending our birthdays with us!!!

Excuse me??? Who does she think she is telling me I can't be out the house on my birthday??? There are years I never saw my dad as he worked away. There are years I never saw him as he got home from work after I'd gone out or I was only here an hour or so as I didn't live here, or I'd gone away. I will be 36 years old, she doesn't get to tell me what I can and can't do anymore. They don't get to treat me differently from my brother and sister. She would never dream of telling my brother and sister that they have to spend part of their birthdays here and she isn't doing it to me! Especially as I'd already said I'll be back late afternoon!!!

[Suzi]

How did you respond to her? I'd be hopping mad!

[Jaquaia]

I was fuming!

Told her no. She doesn't tell the other 2 that they have to spend their birthday here, to which she replied she can't really do that with them. Told her she doesn't get to do that with me either. That I'm nearly 36 years old and if I want to be out on my birthday I will be. That I'd already said I'll be here on the night and she doesn't get to pull the guilt trip bull(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) with me.

[Paula]

*stands up and applauds*

[Jaquaia]

*curtseys*

[Suzi]

*stands applauds, cheers and stamps feet* Go Jaq, Go Jaq, Go Jaq!

Are you learning to stand up for yourself? I'm so proud!

[Jaquaia]

Slowly. It just made me so angry that she thinks I'll accept her dictating to me

[Suzi]

You, my love get a chufty badge too! :)

[Angie]

Am so glad that you stood up for yourself sweetie you definately deserve a chufty badge x

[Jaquaia]

My dad is such an obnoxious arsehole when he's had a drink. Fed up of him going on about needing to get money sorted as he's starting to run out. £20 of the shopping bill every single week is beer. We have 2 freezers full of food but he constantly complains there is nothing in and buys more. My mum has a huge choice of food in and he always says to get her more or she asks for something different yet he moans we need to cut the shopping bill down. He's lent my sister several hundred pounds. He has spent over a hundred pounds on Scarlett for both birthdays and christmases. He cooks too much and complains about wastage.

I hate living here.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I'm sorry it's so cr*p.. Can you try to suggest meal planning using what's in the freezer for a while? I know it's not your problem and all that...

[Jaquaia]

Tried that and he moaned. I was doing that for a few months and he just complained that he might not want whatever we decided on on this day. He's complaining about his back too. Piling on 5st in a year after retiring won't be helping that as his body isn't used to it! I've also been volunteered to sort out an issue with the sofa. My brother suggested using online chat with DFS so save them money on the phone call and my dads taken it as a given that I'll do it.

I've come upstairs and I'm so tense and anxious I'm contemplating taking my propranolol. Trying listening to Andrea and Matteo to relax

[Suzi]

Wow.... have you thought of asking your brother to do it if he's suggesting it!
You really do get the raw end of it all....

[Jaquaia]

All tonight has achieved is to make me feel guilty for not contributing financially. Even given up on my essay today and I'm settled down with The Beautiful South and Terry Pratchett/Neil Gaiman

[Paula]

WRT the finances, you have two choices if you want to move forward, as I see it.

1. You accept that you do contribute a huge amount to the household - just because it’s not in money does not take away from all you do.

2. You start paying something, and stop beating yourself up with this

[Jaquaia]

I was starting to accept that but it can be hafd when he goes on about how much they're going to struggle money wise

[Suzi]

But hunni, that's not of your making. If they were employing someone to do even some of what you do then they'd really struggle! - cooking, cleaning, sorting meds, going to appointments, being a pa etc etc etc They all count as contributing to the household and have a value.

[Flo]

Jaq have they any idea how much it would cost to pay someone to do what you're doing?? Cleaners around here are making upwards of £12 an hour! They don't cook, do the washing, get scripts or groceries either....or accompany people to appointments. You're a precious commodity! Hmmmm.....

[Jaquaia]

Well they can bugger off today. I'm shut in my bedroom working on my essay with Alexa playing the Connells. Tomorrow I will be shut in my bedroom working too. The essay and the collaborative bit for another assignment is my priority this weekend.

[Jaquaia]

All done!!!! Essay is 52 words under the word limit and the process journal is 48 words over, so both within the 10%. Collaborative bit submitted!!!! Didn't think I would finish today!!! (party)

Tomorrow will be trying to make room for a desk, printing out my essay to hand in and emailing a copy too, and doing some chapter reading while I try and catch up!

Bloody hard typing with both wrists splinted though...

[Suzi]

Well done love!!!!! Yes, typing splinted really is hard!

[Jaquaia]

My brother has give me a small desk which should really help

[Angie]

Fingers crossed it helps sweetie xx

[Paula]

You’ve done sooo good :) hope you’re proud of yourself

[Jaquaia]

More exhausted! I have a nice, new thick quilt to snuggle under as I've started feeling the cold a lot more so just going to put my compression gloves on and go to sleep.

[Suzi]

Morning lovely, did you stay warm and snuggled and sleep well? How's your wrists?

[Jaquaia]

Wrists are achey and I've woken up with a headache. Currently got white tiger balm on my temples and back of my neck as that often helps. My elbows are joining in today too. I should be due to see my rheumatologist before Christmas so will mention it then.

[Paula]

Are you going to take it a bit easier today?

[Jaquaia]

Erm... I'm doing the washing...

And I will need to do some uni work as I'm behind. I definitely need to print my essay out so while I have my laptop and printer out I'm planning on printing my next 2 assignment notes out

[magie06]

You're feeling the cold more because you've lost all that weight. It's a fact that fat is insulation from the cold, that's why polar bears eat so much coming up to winter. It makes sense.

[Suzi]

Could someone else not help with the washing?

[Jaquaia]

My mums not bothered since I started doing it. I asked her to swap a wash over when I stayed at Js one night, got back at tea time the next day to find it still in the washer... "I forgot"
She didn't even wash her plate up last night, just put it in the sink and sat down again. And my dad doesn't even put his socks the right way when he takes them off. That took me 20 minutes to sort out!!!

Well I've emailed my essay across and printed out the hard copy. Printed out the rest of my assignment guidelines for uni and put the last wash in! Currently sitting down doing nothing. My sister is on her way down with Scarlett and James is popping before work so I will rest for a bit

[Suzi]

Then maybe you are going to have to be cruel to be kind and maybe just do your own washing rather than doing hers too....

[Jaquaia]

That's not in my nature.

My sister actually voluntarily spoke to James!!! And Scarlett gave him hugs when they left :)

[Paula]

do you need to sort your dad’s socks out?

[Jaquaia]

They need putting in right way to wash properly

[Paula]

See, Si should sack me - he’s never complained about that ....

[Jaquaia]

Probably just how I've been taught to do it

[Paula]

I’m not sure it matters what way they’re put in, love

[Jaquaia]

Probably not. It probably won't surprise you to know that it's me who ends up having to pair the socks too... it makes that easier too.

I think I'm going to go and do half an hours reading and then watch His Dark Materials. Love Phillip Pullman!

[Jaquaia]

His Dark Materials is absolutely brilliant!!!!

[Suzi]

OMG wasn't it AWESOME?!!!!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Excited for next week!

[Jaquaia]

I hadn't realised Pullman was producing it too!!!!

Just getting sorted then heading into town to hand my essay in! Debating going and grabbing Christmas cards before the hordes get the same idea but everything aches today!

[Suzi]

Are you able to pace and to reward yourself for your essay?

[Jaquaia]

I've bought chocolate, does that count? (giggle)

Well... bus into town, actually rang the office and spoke to an actual person to find out which building I needed to hand my essay in at (they employ more than 80 counsellors!). Walked across town, did some shopping, walked to the station and zero back pain!!!! 2 years ago, I would sometimes meet James for lunch after counselling and would have to stop several times because of back pain before I even got to where the shop is, nevermind to the station!!!! (party)

The plan is just reading my textbook today. And sorting out some photos into the album Sarah got me last Christmas!

[Paula]

That’s amazingly awesome!

[Suzi]

So brilliant! :)