Diary of a book addict

[Jaquaia]

They probably won't be available by the time we set the date though.

[magie06]

There's nothing wrong with buying them now and putting them in your bottom drawer.

[Jaquaia]

I'm travelling to Brid to meet J from work. I'm wearing jeans... DO NOT wear jeans out there people or you will end up a sticky, puddly mess!!!

[Suzi]

I am a puddle of sweaty mess! And I'm not in jeans! Can't wait for tomorrow to be cooler...

[Flo]

They're lovely boots! Agree with Magie...buy them now and keep them until you have a day organised. If you have my luck they'll be discontinued when you want them next! Sod's Law! Hasn't your life changed a lot in the past year? Think you've been through the worst....the best is yet to come!(hedgehog)

[Jaquaia]

Hopefully the money will be sorted by Christmas and we can look at going public.

[Flo]

Hopefully the money will be sorted by Christmas and we can look at going public.

Not before time eh? Jolly good!

[Jaquaia]

I've actually started my level 2 work. Struggling to focus a little but I've made a start. From what I gather, some of the assessments involve writing a false case study and suggestions ways of treating the issues... if I don't ace that I should hang my head in shame!!!

I'm irritable at the moment so can tell I'm struggling a little. Starting to get anxious about starting my level 1 too. Actually leaving the house and going to study with actual people??? Help!

[OldMike]

I'm sure you'll be okay Jaq, real people aren't as scary as you imagine them and when you get there and meet them I'm sure you'll soon settle.

[Angie]

Deep breath hunni, please remember how far you have come to get where you are right now? I know it will be hard but you can do it, can you start to go out more and do this gradually to try and get used to being around people?

[Suzi]

Always at the end of a text if you need. Which you won't because you are amazing and you have got this.

[Jaquaia]

This course is so far out of my comfort zone but I know I need to do this, for me as much as for my career.

[Suzi]

If I didn't think you could do it then I'd tell you. I know you can do it and I know you're going to be a brilliant counsellor when you've finished all your training...

[Jaquaia]

Thank you! I'm certainly going to try.

[Suzi]

You'll do it!

[Jaquaia]

I wish I had even half the faith in me that you do

[Suzi]

Pfft, you can borrow some of the faith I have in you if you like? I can have it shipped via hermes?

[magie06]

(rofl)
You can do it! You've come so far in the past year, when you get your assignments in on time, you might see that you can do it too.

[Jaquaia]

I hope so. My mood is low tonight, probably because I'm worrying about it. I can see it now, I'll be absolutely fine after my first class, it's just the build up to the unknown itms? I'll take my extra anxiety meds next Monday and maybe go into town early so I remove the worry of being late. I can always take some uni work to do in Costa

[magie06]

Is it a big campus, maybe a trip there over the weekend to see how long the journey is, where the registration room is, the canteen and of course the loo, where you can go and hide for a few minutes if you need to? Or maybe try it sometime this week with morning rush hour, schools back, etc? This might help just a little bit.

[Jaquaia]

It's where I had my last lot of counselling so I already know where it is, it's more that it's a completely new (to me) counsellor teaching the course and at least 9 completely new people that I will have to talk to.

[Suzi]

Jaq, they will love you as much as we do. You're an incredibly loveable person you know....
However, if you weren't concerned about it then you wouldn't be you and you wouldn't be the same as everyone else there - everyone has some level of anxiety/insecurity....

[Jaquaia]

I know. Logically I do know all this. The logical bit of my mind doesn't always work though and it seems to be on holiday this week.

[Suzi]

You aren't going to be looking at it logically when you are in the midst of it and the emotional panic sets in... But we've got you...

[Jaquaia]

Thank you. I need that today. I'm struggling. I feel pretty flat and low, I have a headache, I'm being awkward with J and I have no patience with my mum.

[magie06]

Can you put yourself into time out for a half an hour? It might help to practice a little bit of deep breathing and get your oxygen levels back on an even keel.

[Jaquaia]

I've been in my room nearly all afternoon. I've come down for tea and finished the shopping but brought a book down with me and J has been very bossy about my drinking too.

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear) for feeling flat and down - are you keeping note of it? Does it correlate with TOTM or anything?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know until it arrives as I'm not regular. I will keep an eye on things though.

[Suzi]

Keep an eye out love, keep tracking your moods.... And your stresses too.

[Strugglingmum]

It's hard to see things clearly when your head is in a mush. Lots of deep breathing and avoiding people (stress) for the next week. my daughter completed her first day at college today. She came out smiling and said it was good. A year ago she couldn't have contemplated that and there would have been so much SH with anxiety before, during and after. It's amazing the difference a year can make. From what you've said you have come even further in a year. Just like my daughter.... you can do this.

[Suzi]

SM that's awesome.

Jaq - you can do this. You are awesome.

[Mira]

(panda)

[Angie]

(bear) You can do it hunni xx

[Jaquaia]

Ok... now I'm feeling a little brighter I know you're all right...

[Suzi]

You are awesome.

[OldMike]

^^^ wss

[Jaquaia]

Today has been fun. Need my filling redoing as it's fallen out. Went to B&Q with J and then town for lunch. The pizza stall in the indoor market has become our place (inlove). He pretty much held me captive until he dragged out of me that I was finding all the back to school photos hard this year as I snapped at him yesterday. He was going on about how much he didn't want A to start school and he got "well at least you get the first day at school" in return. Not my proudest moment. He ended up buying me a book and a copy of the highway code as struggling with the app. Then home, snuggling and me cocking up my injection. I rushed it as I was worried about forgetting to do it again, and now have a black bruise on my stomach! Eating enough chocolate to sink a battleship, and trying not to worry about how close Monday is coming!

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart! I'm sorry, one of those back to school photos was mine. I blocked Sarah from seeing it (at her request) but didn't think... I'm sorry...
I'm glad you got to spend time with him....

[Jaquaia]

You have no need to apologise. Yours amused me with Crash. It's just when that was all I saw for the past 2 days or posts from pregnant women complaining about being pregnant, and then he went on and on about not wanting A to go to school as he thought she was too little... it got a bit too much. I told him he needed to try and be a bit more sensitive sometimes. I've accepted that children won't happen for me but there are times when it still hurts.

[Suzi]

But I hate that I might have contributed to your pain.... For that, I'm sorry.

It's OK to be hurting...

[Jaquaia]

It's something that I will have to get used to

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (bear) (bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'll be ok.

[Suzi]

I know you will, but it doesn't stop it from hurting.

[Jaquaia]

I don't think it will ever stop hurting.

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

In other news, Bob gets me to drive independently for the first 15/20 minutes of my lesson. He said on Thursday that if I'd been on my test I would have passed :)

[Suzi]

OMG that's awesome!!!! Time to book a theory test??

[OldMike]

Woo hoo brilliant (party)

[Angie]

Yay!!!!! (party)

[Jaquaia]

OMG that's awesome!!!! Time to book a theory test??

Not yet. I need to put down my novels and start focusing on my theory more. In the meantime, I need to continue building up my confidence. It's taken me 6 months to leave the area I initially had my lessons in, I need to build on that and then learn the rest of my manoeuvres.

[Suzi]

You are doing so brilliantly!

[Jaquaia]

When I think of how I was when I first started learning with Bob, I can see how far I've come. Thursday for example, I started great but made a mistake that completely threw me. I started flapping and making mistakes; indicating wrong, forgetting to cancel my indicator and struggling to get my gear while I drove the new bit of the circuit. Bob pointed out that I was tensing up so I took a few deep breaths, started doing a commentary drive and asked to do it again as I'd managed to relax enough to get pretty much everything right. I just need to remember that gentler bends don't cancel the indicator. Even just month ago I would have had to pull over and stop.

[Suzi]

You are doing so amazingly well! I really am very, very proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I'm really enjoying driving, I'm so pleased that J talked to his friend about my lessons as I think I would have quit completely if I'd stuck with her.

2 more sleeps and my course starts. I'd be lying if I said I was completely relaxed about it but I can deal with that Monday

[Suzi]

You're going to be more than fine lovely. You can do this. I'd tell you if I didn't think you could.... In a nice way, but I'd still tell you... ;)

[Jaquaia]

Ever so slightly stressed. My sister in 30 today. Apparently when my mum rang her this morning to wish her happy birthday, she kicked off about her presents, pretty much saying that they weren't special, they never bothered asking what she wanted and the only one who got her a special present was me. That our brother gave her money and a voucher for a meal and he'd babysit. My mum pointed out that they've offered loads to babysit and always been told no. She then went on to have a go at my mum for not asking how they all were and turning everything back to her, she never asks about the baby etc. My mum came up to tell me as she was feeling low so I went downstairs and told my dad. He ordered her presents, not my mum. I'm sick of my mum always getting grief off her.

So much for trying to stay calm today, my anxiety is sky high now.

[Suzi]

Well done for getting her something special! It sounds incredibly rude of her to kick off like that. Your poor Mum and poor you!

[Suzi]

Hey gorgeous, how'd it go today?

[Jaquaia]

I really enjoyed it. I ended up taking both anxiety meds before I went and it took an hour for my stomach to stop churning but I thought it was brilliant. Starting next week, we spend the second half of the session role-playing counsellor/client in small groups. Everyone seems really nice too.

[Suzi]

WOOHOO!!!! Can I just add in an "I-told-you-so?" I knew you'd be awesome and I'm so glad you've done it! Day 1 is always the hardest! I've got the biggest grin!

[Jaquaia]

If you must! (giggle)

[Suzi]

La la le la la! Told you so!!!

[Jaquaia]

Can tell I've started flaring when I'm willingly wearing my compression gloves to sleep in...

[Suzi]

(panda)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I've started my uni work, I know, super-organised! Done a weeks work for one module and just starting another one! Getting nervous as meeting J's friend on saturday, we're going to her husbands surprise 40th so expect me to be flapping on saturday!!!

Oh and TOTM so that would explain the low mood recently!

[Strugglingmum]

Well impresssed. Sorry i missed that you had started. Glad it went well.
When I did my level 2 counselling skills I must say I found the role plays a bit awkward to start with but soon got into the swing of them. Enjoy. Hope your weekend goes well. Party with J. That's a huge thing when you think how unthinkable it would have been just a few months ago.

[Mira]

Thats a great thing to look forward to and I am sure it will be great. With J there as well what can go wrong? Nothing.

[Jaquaia]

Well impresssed. Sorry i missed that you had started. Glad it went well.
When I did my level 2 counselling skills I must say I found the role plays a bit awkward to start with but soon got into the swing of them. Enjoy. Hope your weekend goes well. Party with J. That's a huge thing when you think how unthinkable it would have been just a few months ago.

I'm scared stiff as K is like a sister to him but apparently she's really looking forward to meeting me.

We start role playing next week, apparently we'll be working in groups and there'll be 1 client, 1 therapist and 1 or 2 observers and we'll swap round.


Thats a great thing to look forward to and I am sure it will be great. With J there as well what can go wrong? Nothing.

I always feel awkward at parties but it's a big thing meeting one of his best friends!

[Strugglingmum]

Yes that's how we did it. The observers take notes and feedback how the role play went. It is a great learning exercise and does get easier as you relax with people. I was so self conscious to start with but then realised everyone was in the same boat and we just were able to laugh if things went tits up.

Of course she wants to meet you. J loves you and she will too. X

[Jaquaia]

I messaged her today and told her I was scared (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)less but we get on quite well via text so there's no reason we won't get on in person.

And she's promised she won't bite ;)

[Suzi]

Text me whenever you need me on Saturday as I'll be dropping child A to uni!
I know you'll have a great time. You're amazing and you make J happy - what else would a best friend want?

[Jaquaia]

I just need to work out how much cleavage is too much ;)

[Suzi]

Darling, if you've got it flaunt it! :)

[Jaquaia]

It's not always possible to avoid flaunting it! (giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

From someone like an ironing board...... make me jealous is the level of cleavage you are aiming for!! (rofl) its a party!!

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

Yup, get the cleavage out, and have some fun! :)

[Jaquaia]

Sat at the dentist now, can't check in as reception is closed but at least the aircon is on!

[Suzi]

Ewww!

[Jaquaia]

My dentist is quite dishy so I don't mind! My issue is I now have pins and needles in my lips as the injection is wearing off, but at least it means I soon won't feel like I'm dribbling when I'm drinking (giggle)

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

I left early as I needed to go to the chemist and buy a drink too. For the first time in memory, the pharmacist was quick so ended up catching the same bus and ended up in town even earlier!!! Still, the weather is good and there is this pretty little square right outside

https://www.dropbox.com/s/vcg0yqxifbqembq/20190916_165037.jpg?raw=1

[Suzi]

You now have your antib's? How was the course today?
That park is lovely!

[Jaquaia]

I have and taken my first one. My lower back is aching on the right side too so not liking that. I'm going to see how I feel on the antibiotics and consider cancelling my driving lesson this week.

I loved it tonight! There was so much information and I found it all so interesting and we even had a go at counselling skills. It was brilliant and just increased my certainty that this is what I want to do. Even contemplating volunteering with the Samaritans

[Suzi]

Wow! Go you! Don't decide to volunteer until you are settled into your new routines - something about not running too fast? ;)

[Jaquaia]

It's something I want to do anyway but I wouldn't consider it until after Christmas at least. I want time to settle down into a routine with uni work and finish my level 1 and try and get my theory test out of the way first.

[Suzi]

Very sensible!

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

Feeling a little rough, which I suppose is to be expected.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear) Can you take it easy today?

[Jaquaia]

I was just going to write my notes up for my folder and do my development diary, then J is popping before work.

[Suzi]

Good for you! Then I hope you are resting after that?

[Jaquaia]

I will try

[Suzi]

Good!

[Jaquaia]

Found out this morning that Tom's cancer has metastasized into his upper chest, stomach and lungs. He's having a week over here with his wife and starting aggressive treatment when he gets back

[Suzi]

Oh no! Hunni I'm so sorry....

[Jaquaia]

I think part of me was expecting it if I'm honest

[Suzi]

Are you talking to J and your group of friends about it?

[Jaquaia]

I've talked to J. He's offered to pay for me to go to a dinner for Tom in November but I can't justify the cost. Owing J so much money so close to Christmas would just cause me so much stress and anxiety.

[Suzi]

Why? How much would it be? Why not let him help you out with this. I hate to be brutal but you don't know how many of these he's going to be able to make..... Don't let pride get in the way of missing him and spending the rest of your life regretting it....

[Jaquaia]

£100 just for the ticket. Then train fare and hotel. It's a formal dinner so will need shoes and a posh frock too. Then travel between the hotel and where the dinner is being held. It could end up being £300+ for 1 night and barely any time with Tom as so many others will be there. Plus J can't really afford that kind of money himself at the moment and I have no idea when I can pay him back. I still owe my dad £200 from the May dinner.

[Suzi]

Is there any way that you can meet up with Tom without going?

[Jaquaia]

I doubt it. He spends a lot of time with family and army friends when he's over.

[Suzi]

Ask him!!!!

[Jaquaia]

Couple of things. I (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed up a few times in my lesson. One was a big (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) up. My mind went blank and I was coming out of a junction and forgot to move my foot from break to accelerator and stalled across the road. No idea how I managed it, other than I was maybe focusing too much on the junction being very near a bend. But it didn't affect me as much as it would and I pulled it back. Even just 2 weeks ago that would have snowballed massively and totally derailed my lesson!!! And I chose to leave my comfort zone right at the beginning of the lesson.

I've also decided to stop shaving my arms. My sister, and then dickhead, made me feel very self-conscious about my arm hair. It's taken me a while but I've finally realised that their bullying and bodyshaming says more about them and that I don't have to conform to their beauty standards. I'm still self-conscious, so much so that I checked with J if he'd be ok with it, but I just thought that if I strive to conform to what everyone else thinks then I would never be happy with myself.

[Suzi]

I'm so F*cking proud of you!!!! Those are both phenomenal!

[Jaquaia]

They don't feel that amazing, just being an adult.

[Suzi]

Absolutely not!!!

It takes huge amounts of strength to pull it back from something like what happened to you in your driving lesson, and to tackle something which you are so self conscious about is just brilliant. If I had said the same you'd have been cheering me on.... Try cheering you on!

[Jaquaia]

I suppose so.

[magie06]

Suppose away all those doubts. You are awesome!! (party)

[Jaquaia]

I don't see it and I'm not sure I ever will

[Suzi]

Ahh, but you are at least accepting that we see the good things in you...

[Jaquaia]

You all can't be wrong

[Suzi]

Ahha!!! We have made progress!!!!! Woohoo!!!! (party) (party) (party) (party)

[Jaquaia]

:P

Headachey today but got some of my notes written up and settling to read Mansfield Park while I try and decide what to get J for his birthday

[Suzi]

hope the headache goes lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I've taken some paracetamol so fingers crossed

[Jaquaia]

Dad's been drinking all afternoon, so as you can imagine, this evening is fun...

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed to hide away from it all...

[Jaquaia]

I come upstairs as soon as my brother left

[Suzi]

Don't blame you... (panda)(bear)

[Paula]

Wow, hunni, you’ve done so much over the past month! I’m really proud of you.

I’m so sorry about Tom, love (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I've just done what I needed to do.

Headachey again. I am resting, watched the Great Model Railway Challenge and the first episode of Life On Mars. I've done the washing today, a bit of ironing, cleaned the garden and finished sorting out J's birthday presents. Really tired so maybe flaring a little, I haven't taken my injection this week because of being on antibiotics.

[Mira]

That is a lot to do. I hope you are feeling rested now and have a great sunday.

[Jaquaia]

I'm planning on doing some work today but I will take lots of breaks.

[Suzi]

How are you doing with pacing lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Ok I think. Could probably do a lot better if I'm honest. My parents go away for a week first thing tomorrow so I have a peaceful week coming up.

[Suzi]

Woohoo!!!!
Can you work on being kind to you right now?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to start reading one of my uni books but I will read chapters of Mansfield Park in between to break it up. Need to finish writing up my notes from last Monday too. Going to try and remember to take my left splint tomorrow. We don't have tables to rest on and holding my notepad while I write can get uncomfortable

[Suzi]

That's a good idea - can you put it in your bag now so you don't forget or do you need it now?

[Jaquaia]

Possibly going to need it today as my wrist is achey. I haven't taken my methotrexate this week as I was told not to if I had an infection/needed antibiotics. Makes sense, surpressing the immune system won't really help the body fight off an infection

[Suzi]

(panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

Managed to get a couple of hours with J. His parents have said about him having the children when he's off on a Tuesday, they've pretty much always been with grandparents up to now. I feel selfish that one of my first thoughts was we'd get even less time together then we do now.

[Suzi]

Do they want a break?
It's after school isn't it? Can you find ways to get other time together?

[Jaquaia]

They stay over. As things are, he's either working or has the children and only 2 nights to himself a month. He volunteers at the museum so that takes up the Fridays he's off. He has commissions to do and work for the museum, which he can only really do while the children are at school so we'll have lunch some days. If he's off on a Thursday it doesn't work with my driving lesson, it would be a couple of hours before he has to go collect the children. If he's off at the weekend he has the children. He needs to fit in shopping and jobs in the house. Day shifts means the odd hour or so afterwards. Nights means the odd hour or so before. So the Tuesdays he's off have been the only time we've had a decent amount of time together and actually able to go do something. Losing that means we pretty much go back to snatching the odd hour here and there and I don't want that. I feel guilty and selfish for feeling that way but I want more time with him, not less.

[Suzi]

I can understand the way that you are feeling.
Did he get to see his solicitor to push things forward a bit?

[Jaquaia]

Everything is being rewritten to give her all the money. He's emailed twice for an update and had no reply so is trying again today. He can't ring as his signalbox is broken so has even less time free at work.

[Paula]

All the money?

[Jaquaia]

Long story! But still less then she's legally entitled to so he's lucky she wants so little.

[Suzi]

Why would she take less than she's entitled to when she appears to be someone out for all she can get?

[Jaquaia]

Maybe waiting for him to "come to his senses" and take her back? I don't know. None of what she does makes sense to me. She claims she's trying to be amicable so the children can keep their home but she doesn't know the meaning of the word.

[Suzi]

It doesn't make sense to me either!

[Jaquaia]

Tonight was brilliant! I actually contributed to the group discussion!!! And I had my first go at being the counsellor and got really good feedback from my group. I'm enjoying it so much.

[Suzi]

That's fantastic! So pleased for you!

[Paula]

That’s incredible! You’re awesome :)

[Jaquaia]

One thing that came up during my turn as the client is that I seem to punish myself. I suppose that's true, I'm always quite dismissive about my achievements and sometimes downright negative. I've never thought of it in terms of punishing myself before but I suppose it's pretty accurate.

[Suzi]

That fits....

[Paula]

This course is going to be good for you, methinks

[Jaquaia]

I think it already is. I expected to fail miserably with my counselling skills but settled so quickly. When I got over feeling nervous and self-conscious it felt completely natural. I'm starting to think I was made for this.

[Suzi]

Good!

[Jaquaia]

I got to deal with the shopping on my own since the parental units are away. Went to put Talia's dry food away and didn't realise until the bag was empty that the scoop was at the bottom... (swear) just need to make my bed and then I'm studying until tea then J is here later. This is pacing for me as my textbook is fascinating! I ended up wearing my splint all evening yesterday and my wrist feels a lot better today.

[Suzi]

Glad the splint helped. So, you're loving your textbook? Which one?

[Jaquaia]

Understanding counselling and psychotherapy. It's fascinating and will help with my counselling course too I think

[Suzi]

Sounds awesome.

[Paula]

I’m so proud of you :)

[Jaquaia]

It feels absolutely ridiculous that I can travel home from town at night on my own and completely take it in my stride yet going across to the local shop in the daylight to withdraw my driving lesson money sets my heart racing

[Paula]

And yet you did it, that’s what’s important. you wouldn’t have not so long ago ....l

[Jaquaia]

True. I couldn't even pull both bins out ready for emptying tomorrow as there was a worm in the way. It makes me feel pathetic. It's disheartening when I think I've finally got it under control, but I know it's that thing of a couple of steps back doesn't mean I'm going backwards.

The OU have put quite an extensive disability profile together for me based on the form I filled in about my mental health issues and my RA. I wouldn't have one if there wasn't a need so I guess I need to remember that though I am a lot better than I was a year ago, I am still ill and there will be days where that makes itself known.

[Flo]

It feels absolutely ridiculous that I can travel home from town at night on my own and completely take it in my stride yet going across to the local shop in the daylight to withdraw my driving lesson money sets my heart racing Who knows the logic behind it Jaq? Sometimes I wake up in the morning and freeze rigid with anxiety about what's going to happen during the day.......but then I can get into my car and want to drive for miles - even on M roads - as relaxed as can be. But maybe my car is my safe haven. I feel enclosed and safe. I even talk to my car when I'm in it!!...haha! Are you any closer to taking your test?

[Suzi]

You are amazing. All these things that last year you couldn't have done you can - they may still be hard, but you can do it. That makes you amazing.

[Jaquaia]

No Flo, need to work on my theory now, J is going to help me with that. I've started leaving my comfort zone pretty much straight away in my lesson though. So getting there, just slowly


You are amazing. All these things that last year you couldn't have done you can - they may still be hard, but you can do it. That makes you amazing.

Am I being too hard on myself again?

[Paula]

Yes, well done for recognising it :)

[Jaquaia]

Progress right? ;)

[Flo]

Very much progress! Getting behind the wheel of a car and being in charge of it is a giant leap from your comfort zone. Doing that is quite something! And having J to help with your theory is a bonus. He strikes me as such a patient bloke!

[Jaquaia]

I often feel that he had more patience with me then I deserve

[Suzi]

You deserve nothing more than patience and love and respect and to be totally adored....

[Jaquaia]

I finally have that, I just wish it didn't have to be hidden...

[Suzi]

How much longer are you secret for?

[Jaquaia]

He says until all the paperwork is official

[Paula]

I still don’t get why - it has no legal bearing on what happens with the kids ..... still, it is what it is, any idea how long til the paperwork is sorted?

[Jaquaia]

Apparently the solicitor is waiting for her to sign a form to say she's happy to go ahead with the new agreement and then the papers can be drawn up and signed. Going to hazard a guess at a month minimum.

[Suzi]

So why is it taking so long?

[Jaquaia]

Her being awkward. She's had another go at him tonight when he went to drop T's coat off for tomorrow.

[Suzi]

But you guys have been together for a couple of years, can he not go down the route of irreconcilable differences?

[Jaquaia]

That doesn't actually exist in English law. It's unreasonable behaviour, adultery, separation of 2 years with spousal consent, separation of 5 years without spousal consent and desertion.

[Suzi]

But what about "unreasonable behaviour"?

[Jaquaia]

He has enough but he didn't want her to turn it into a war so he's going for separation but getting a deed of separation to agree things legally before going for divorce. It's this that's taking so long as she keeps finding something to argue about

[Suzi]

She's never going to agree, this way she is still controlling him....

How are you lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired and my wrist is really aching. Gear work is going to be fun this morning...

[Suzi]

Hope the driving has gone ok and that your wrist pain has eased love xx

[Jaquaia]

Driving went really well, once we swapped over I didn't stop and didn't have any instruction, just the odd prompting towards the end. Stayed more in my comfort zone today as it was raining and I've done hardly any driving in rain, plus learnt how to drive with glare on the road. I made a few mistakes but they didn't affect me that much, I dealt with them straight away. Wrist is feeling ok at the moment, I have my splint if it starts aching again.

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! Well done!

[Jaquaia]

Done a bit of adulting and set up another payment plan (online of course, don't like talking on the phone). On the one hand, it's pretty depressing that I owe just under £4400. On the other hand, I've paid over £2500 back with the council tax issue. It's taking a long time but I would rather do it on my own then let dickhead use helping me pay it as a manipulation tactic to get me back in his life. He doesn't get that control anymore. Though J is insisting that we'll sort it together as we're a partnership. I don't know what I ever did to deserve him (inlove)

[Paula]

I’m so proud of you :)

[Suzi]

Well done love!

[Jaquaia]

I needed to get it sorted, necessity more than anything.

Maybe not my best idea but I've done all the ironing. I couldn't get the thought out of my head that it needed doing

[Suzi]

But did you have to do it ALL in one sitting?

[Jaquaia]

No but my head wouldn't let me stop.

[Angie]

I hope that you are resting now xx

[Jaquaia]

I'm just doing something to eat then the plan is finish Life on Mars

[magie06]

Okay, so today you had your driving lesson, (major stress just a few weeks ago), made lunch and cleaned up, done laundry and ironing, made dinner and cleaned up, and you have the cheek to call me the duracell bunny!! (think)

[Jaquaia]

Just the ironing, I'm planning on washing the bit upstairs tomorrow. I don't tend to iron as I wash. And I cleaned up from lunch and tea at the same time since it was just me. Most of it falls to me so I can't keep leaving it to.build up.

[Suzi]

But it shouldn't just all fall to you....

[Jaquaia]

It shouldn't but it does. My dad does bits when he's not in pain but my mum does next to nothing now.

[Suzi]

Hmm, maybe that needs to change?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure how. She washes the pots occasionally but most of that and most of the cooking my dad does. I'm generally the one who does all the washing, and if it wasn't for them going away, the ironing pile would have been a lot bigger but my dad did what they were taking. It's generally me that changes the beds, hoovers and cleans the bathroom too.

[Paula]

What happens when you leave?

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea. J doesn't want me to carry on being my mums carer as he wants me to focus on my studies. He doesn't want me working either unless it fits around my studies. When I say about needing to pay my debts his answer is that we'll deal with it. I could maybe manage one day a week down here to do jobs but I think they need to downsize

[Paula]

Ok, but what do you want to do?

[Jaquaia]

I want to live my life. I want to build the career I want and have a home with the man I love. I want to be debt free. I don't want to have to rely on my mum and dad to keep me. I don't want the responsibility for everything to fall on my shoulders. I don't want to have to keep fighting with my mum to get her to take her medication properly. I don't want to have to put up with my dads drinking. And I don't want the constant assumption that I will be free to go to all my mums appointments

[Paula]

One of the things we talked about in Bath was looking at the values in our life - the things that are most important (family, relationships etc) and what we can do to achieve goals that contribute to those values. I’ve found that really helpful in prioritising what I do now to work towards what is most important to me. So, if you could only have one of the items on your list, what would it be?

[Jaquaia]

Then as selfish as it sounds, I want to be able to live my life. I spend so much time doing things for others, I have for most of my life. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I want to live rather than exist

[Suzi]

Then what do you need to change to make that happen?

[Paula]

Then as selfish as it sounds, I want to be able to live my life. I spend so much time doing things for others, I have for most of my life. I feel like I have missed out on so much. I want to live rather than exist

That’s not selfish at all.
Then, how do you get to that?

[Jaquaia]

By doing what I am doing, getting qualified, learning to drive and paying off my debts.

[Suzi]

But can you work out a fairer distribution of chores around the house?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure how. I don't know how much of it is pain with my mum and how much of it is apathy. Just like with my dad, I don't know how much of it is pain and discomfort and how much is apathy. I don't pay board so I expect to do a fair bit, it's just exhausting some days.

[Suzi]

Surely they could do something every other day or something?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I tend to hoover right through when I do it as I don't need to unplug to reach everywhere. They tend to spend most of the day watching rubbish TV or playing games on their phones.

And why does Talia insist on wanting to play when I'm trying to watch something??? If I'm reading she rarely bothers!

[Suzi]

I think that them doing something would be much better each day or every other day as it'll not be such a shock to them when you leave....

[Paula]

I don’t want to sound mean and upset you but you’re not helping them by doing everything for them. As Suzi says, it’s going to be a huge shock to them if they don’t adjust before you leave .....

[Jaquaia]

We can work on building it in. I'll be here another year at least

[Suzi]

Another year?

[Jaquaia]

He had an email today giving a potential completion date of 4th October. Then he needs to find the courage to tell her he's seeing me. Then he will need to deal with her abuse and threats of not seeing the children, then telling them about me and introducing me to them. Then we're likely to have to battle her trying to poison the children against me while I build a relationship with them. They've had enough grief to deal with without rushing them getting used to me

[Paula]

I suspect you underestimate them, children are actually really good at dealing with change. Maybe you’ll get what you want sooner than that ......

[Jaquaia]

With her as his ex, I seriously doubt that

[Suzi]

He seems to be allowing her to set the time frame... Thing is, I think that the kids are going to love you hunni. You will do no more than love them and show them what they should have - support, stability, love, respect - all the things they have been missing.

[Jaquaia]

I know a lot of it is he wants the legal stuff done first so she can't use any of that as a way to be awkward. But the huge problem is he's scared of her. It's going to take a long time to deal with over a decade of abuse.

[Suzi]

I do understand that, but hunni at some point he has to put you and your feelings to the top of the list....

[Jaquaia]

I don't even do that myself

[Suzi]

But that's one of the prime reasons that he should be!

[Jaquaia]

I was going to study today but went to see Scarlett instead. Little toad nicked my bottle of water and then copied me when I called her annoying! "No, your noying" (giggle)

[Angie]

(rofl) Bless her

[Suzi]

That's really cute!

[Jaquaia]

Bloody uni! I have to use statistics software (kill me now, please!!!) for the next 2 levels and they sent us a copy with our textbooks. Installed from the disc on Saturday and it wouldn't work, something about side-by-side configuration. Uninstalled it and downloaded from the module website. Same issue on installation. Turned my laptop on again, intending to uninstall and try again before I rang the computer helpdesk and thought I'd see if I still got the same issue...

It works! Twatting thing works!!! The weekend stressing over not being able to install it and having to ring and talk to actual people to try and get it sorted and I clicked to see if I had the same issue and it's like "just kidding!"

Twatting thing

[Suzi]

(rofl) I can't tell you the amount of times my car does things like that to me... Certain things don't work for me, then Marc gets in the car and it's suddenly fixed!
Glad it's sorted though x

[Jaquaia]

Currently working through the week one stuff. A week ahead already for 1 module and nearly there for a second module, plus done all the intro stuff for the 3rd.

[Jaquaia]

Tom's care is now just palliative. Gutted but he's a fighter.

[Angie]

(bear) hunni x

[Suzi]

I'm sorry lovely....

[Paula]

(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to share this here as I don't think you've ever heard (seen) me say this but...

I actually believe I can do this! I'm loving my course and can't wait for next week already! I feel silly when practising counselling skills but everything I do during my turn as a counsellor feels natural and the feedback I got today was that I had a very calm and soothing voice and they could tell that I was putting thought into my responses and they think I'm going to be very good at this.

I actually think I've got this!

[magie06]

That is so wonderful to hear. No matter how old we get, a bit of a compliment does our hearts the world of good.
Congratulations Jaq, I never doubted it for a minute.

[Paula]

(party)

[Suzi]

I'm so thrilled for you! Well done lovely!

[Angie]

Awww that's brilliant but not surprising either as I think you will be very very good x

[Mira]

Thats awesome. You can do it!

[Jaquaia]

Had a lovely day today. Went to the doctors with J and raised that I think he could benefit from a dosage increase. That option is being left open for him, he just needs to check with the company pharmacist but he's thinking of trying counselling first. Then we headed to the Railway Museum, lunch therr, I met his supervisor there who was lovely, then we had a look round the Rocket exhibition. It was brilliant! So much history!!! Then to finish a romantic day, he took me to McDonalds (giggle) I can't wait to have more days like this (inlove)

[Suzi]

That's great lovely! So glad you had such a lovely day!

[Angie]

Glad you have had a good time hunni x

[Jaquaia]

Been a busy bunny. I've joined a RA support group on fb, joined a couple of fb groups for my modules and from them joined a few whatsapp groups and in a local whatsapp group we're discussing meeting up to study together... It's all very scary!!!

[Angie]

Sounds busy but positive and productive hunni and well done xx

[Suzi]

So social! Well done!

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure anything will come of it but it's a start

[Angie]

It is a start and a good start hunni x

[Suzi]

How are you today love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired. I didn't fall asleep until gone midnight and was up early for my driving lesson. It was really good, I ventured into an area I'd driven in briefly once before and an area I've never driven. I made a few mistakes but didn't let them affect me and rectified them as soon as I could, and stalled once as I forgot my clutch!

[Angie]

Glad the lesson went well hunni, please rest though or at least pace xx