Hi

[Luuky]

Hello, I would like to apologise in advance, english is my secondary language so there could be some mistakes or misunderstandings.
I waited a bit before posting here. Don't know why. I was reading other posts and people have real problems, me, all this seems irrelevant or just not important. It's difficult for me to present what or how I feel or just how my life looks like. I'm rather shy, not really great with people. I have few friends, one in particular I talk about all of this but I don't want to bother her anymore. I generally hate myself and my life. I'm unable to do something with it. I rarely have a feeling of pleasure or happiness. Mostly I feel depressed, sad or just big void inside me. All of my thoughts overwhelm me. Thoughts of why do I live? What's my purpose? How much everyones live would be better without me in it? Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts but I never decided to go for it. Every day seems the same, earlier I had these pauses from this feelings. It was normal, didn't really feel all happy or anything but it was just normal, stable. Lately only thing that's stable is how I feel. I occasionally have panic attacks but I'm starting to get used to it. I'm sorry to throw all of this at once but I think I needed to throw all of this before I explode.

[Jaquaia]

Hi and welcome. Your english is very good! If something causes you problems then it's not irrelevant. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you're feeling?

[Mira]

Hi there. Nice to meet you. English is not my first language either. But you are doing great. It is very good. One think I would like to share is never downplay whats going on with you. We all have things that cause us troubles and we all have our issues. But not a single one of them is meaningless. And its not a competition. See it more as you being part of a group that knows what you are going through and it is a safe place to be.

[Paula]

Hi Luuky and welcome. Jaq and Mira are absolutely right - we all have our own journeys and those journeys - and us - are all important. Can I ask, that friend you talk to you about your feelings, does she know you think you’re burdening her? Could you ask her as I think maybe she would prefer for you to talk to her than not talk at all. Hunni, have you seen your doctor? Are you on any medication? Have you had any talking therapies?

Btw, your English is brilliant! Can I ask where you live?

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome to the group! Everything is important because it's happening to YOU. YOU are important...

[Luuky]

I'm from Poland. I'm not visiting a doctor at the moment. I think I'm stalling because I'm afraid what I can hear. That I find out that there's no help for me. No solution. I've never even had a therapy session or anything. About a friend. I don't want her to know that. She's going to get upset and start worrying even more. I can't do that to her.

[Paula]

Sweetheart, I know all about not wanting to hear something like that from your doctor - we all do. But you’re struggling anyway so it makes sense to ask your doctor for help - you’ve tried getting better on your own and it’s not working. There is help - lots of it - but you’re not going to get that help without asking for it. You’ve been so brave joining us here, you just need to stretch that courage a bit more to talk to your doctor

[Suzi]

Talking to your Dr is the next step lovely, actually getting some help and actually knowing exactly what you are dealing with.
Can I just say that your friend will know that there is something wrong, and will be trying to work out what it is.... She will guess and start thinking it's far worse and that you are hiding something terrible from her.
Mental health illness isn't something to be ashamed of....

[Luuky]

It's difficult for me to not feel ashamed because of it. I generally feel that way about myself. I am going to research some psychologists. But really how do I choose one? Should I pay attention to something in particular? Or do I choose randomly? I asked my friend if she still want to talk about all this stuff. I think I know the answer. I don't know how to repay her for all that help.

[Suzi]

She's your friend, there's nothing to repay...

Can you ask for reviews/recommendations from people?

[Paula]

Hunni, you would do the same for her if roles were reversed. That’s what friendship is about

[Luuky]

I talked with my friend about that. She still want to support me, even when I complicate everything. I got my appointment scheduled. 9th August... I'm really scared/stressed. I've never been to a psychologist. Don't know how everything will happen. In the meantime I would like to thank you all for a warm welcome and kind words. I should have do it way earlier.

[Paula]

Well done, hunni, you’ve taken 2 big, important steps :)

[Jaquaia]

It's not important that you think you should have done it earlier, what is important is that you've done it. Well done, taking that step is huge!

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! Well done! I'm so very proud of you! I know both of those things were really tough!

[magie06]

Well done. That conversation is a difficult one to start but you've done it. And you've made a very important appointment too. Try not to be too anxious about your appointment. The psychologist will lead your session and will take leads from the answers you give to their questions.
Well done! You have two big positives for today.

[Luuky]

Thank you, that's good to know. I'm afraid that my first session would be super awkward and uncomfortable. That the psychologist will expect of me to be I don't know... Someone else then I already am. I like questions so it shouldn't be that bad I think. I still have two weeks until the visit with I hope that this feeling of being anxious will pass.

[Paula]

The psychologist will want to be just exactly who you are :). One thing you need to be aware of - the appointment will be tiring for you so it’s vital you give yourself time, afterwards, to rest and be kind to you

[Suzi]

Paula's right. The first session will be a "who are you?" and what do you feel are your issues and where would you like to be wh them? Kind of session. It is exhausting so definitely schedule some time after.

[Luuky]

Well... That's not an easy question to answer. At least for me. I'm afraid that I won't know the answers for most of her question. I'll try not to give up on that what will be also difficult because it started to become a really nasty habit for me.

[Suzi]

Hun, no one expects you to know the answers - if you did then you wouldn't need to be there... Be kind to yourself.