Newbie alert! *SU TRIGGERS*

[Hippomite]

Hello!
I'm Lucy, I found DWD through Google after trying and failing to find in-person support groups close to me.

I'm 39, have struggled with depressive episodes on and off for 25 years, and feel myself slipping into the 'darkness' again.

Right now I have a loving fiancé, a well-paid job (literally just been given a pay rise!), finally managed to buy our own home... and yet still I feel so miserable. My self-worth is at rock bottom, I feel like a fraud and a failure. Objectively I know how lucky I am and what a privileged life I have... I guess I'm just hoping for inspiration from others on how they managed to believe in themselves and beat the depression.

It feels stupid even to write this when people have genuine struggles and my only struggle is with my own mind. But I have no-one I can talk to (I don't have close friends) and my fiancé just doesn't understand. He is such a positive person, when I try to tell him how I feel he tells me I just need a holiday!

My father was clinically depressed and committed suicide when I was 19. I came home and found him dead. Obviously this was incredibly traumatic and I feel it has had a really lasting impact on my life, but after 20 years much of the pain is gone and what's left is the fear that I am predisposed to suffer with my mental health the way he did. The older he got the worse it was. (Of course I've told my fiancé all this too but to no avail!)

I have suicidal thoughts, but because I know the pain it causes I am also very certain that I wouldn't carry anything through. I can't tell my fiancé or my family this because I know it would hurt them so much. That just leaves me with a weird sense of being 'trapped', and wishing I would die by some random means instead.

So, after that rambling and gloomy introduction (!!) I guess I'm hoping to find some understanding, advice and - hopefully - a will to live that I can then feed back into the community!

Thanks for reading,
Lucy

[Jaquaia]

Hi and welcome Lucy! I've added a trigger warning as you discuss suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

I'm so sorry about what you went through. It doesn't matter how lucky you you think your life makes you, that must have been horrendous and is bound to leave scars.

One thing we say here is that if something affects you then it is important. Depression doesn't always have a reason, sometimes it just is, but having lost your dad like that... it's one huge reason. Have you ever had any counselling for it? Have you spoken to your doctor about how you're feeling? If not then that would be a very good place to start (panda)

[Hippomite]

Hi Jaquaia,
Yes I have had some stints of counselling, but not til I was in my 30s, definitely wish I'd sought bereavement counselling at the time.

I do need to speak to my doctor, was on ADs again last year but stopped when they asked me to go in for a follow-up - appointments are like gold dust and when finding the motivation to brush my teeth is a struggle the rigmarole of getting an appointment feels too much!! I've also self-referred to IAPT a couple of times but the first time I didn't get anything through after my assessment, and the second time I lost my letter :-S
I guess I'm hoping that getting involved in a community might help keep me more accountable for doing these important little things that feel hard to do when you don't have your own back, if that makes sense?!

Thanks for the warm welcome, it really means a lot :-)

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome! Are you eating and drinking OK? Apart from your fiance what other support network do you have?

[Jaquaia]

I know exactly what you mean. On my bad days, it's these guys encouragement (gentle nagging) that gets me looking after myself.

Counselling may really help you so it may be worth self-referring again, definitely go and speak to your gp about how you're feeling, it may be worth explaining how hard to found trying to get a follow up appointment too.

You will always find a friendly ear here

[Hippomite]

Thanks Sue and Jaq!
Gentle nagging sounds great :-D
I always get one good meal a day because we do a meal plan! I've kinda lost my joy in cooking (and eating!) but my fiancé likes to do both so he had things covered :-)

Thanks both for the friendly ear, I will explore the forum and aim to start making some little steps.

[Paula]

Pah, it’s not nagging, it’s gentle, loving, encouragement! ;)

Hi Lucy, and welcome to DWD. This really is a warm, friendly, welcoming community where you will never be judged. I’m so, so sorry about what happened with your dad. My family have a strong history with mental health issues, including my dad, and, while I know that is why I have a predisposition to struggle with this illness, it doesn’t mean I have to live a substandard life. I also know that treatment and support in this area has improved dramatically since our dads became ill.

Please go back to your GP. I know it’s hard but there really is effective treatment and support, much of which you can’t access without talking to your doctor. WRT medication - if you’re prescribed ADs, they take between 4-8 weeks to really start having an impact and stopping suddenly can make things a lot worse, so it’s really important that you commit to taking them as prescribed and continuously.

So, gentle, loving , encouragement over ;)

[Suzi]

We don't nag.... I just gently remind you repeatedly until you give in to whatever it is that you need to do ;)

[Hippomite]

Thanks Paula (and everyone) for the encouragement (Kiss) - I've managed to make a doctor's appointment... first available was 13th August so that feels a long way off, I guess it could be October before I could potentially be benefitting from meds, eek.

[Suzi]

That's awesome! Nothing stopping you calling to see if there is a cancellation each day?
Write a bullet point list and it might be worth seeing if you can get someone to go with you?

[OldMike]

Hi Lucy (hi) fighting your own mind is a genuine struggle and takes a lot of strength as it is a hidden battle which those who don't suffer don't understand. Your father committing suicide when you were 19 must've been very traumatic, have you had any counseling to get over that?

[magie06]

Hi and welcome to DWD. The others are right, it's gentle encouragement, until it becomes nagging and an ear worm every day. Everything that happens to you is important and relevant to you and your life. Never underestimate the effect that anything can have on you. For me it's always little things. These build up and up until I go into complete meltdown. It's never anything big.
Again you are very welcome to our community and we look forward to getting to know you.

[Paula]

Thank you, lovely, for making that appointment :)

[Hippomite]

Yes! Suzi, I indulged in buying a new journal so that's a great suggestion. I also reached out to an old friend today just to say I lived her and was proud of her. She told me she was looking after a friend with depression and that helped open up a conversation.
It was a really tough day at work, but just having these little prompts from you guys - just wonderful, understanding strangers, has given me a kick up the butt to start helping myself and I appreciate it immensely.

[Suzi]

That's so positive! Well done! :)

[Paula]

Hey! We’re not strangers anymore ;)

[Jaquaia]

That's brilliant! Well done you!