dalexander
04-07-19, 10:53 AM
Hi,
I'm new here, never been on anything like this before so sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
I am really struggling with my thoughts at the moment, and even posting this makes me feel guilty as I know there are so many people in worse positions than me. I have a decent job, an amazing supportive girlfriend, great parents. I've just bought a lovely new house with my girlfriend and yet I can't shake the feelings that I don't deserve it. I'm sitting at work just now and fighting off tears, but no real idea why.
I feel like I make a mess of everything I touch, and I am lazy. I have a small house and make no effort to tidy it, so it's now horrible, but I feel like it's only me there and as though it doesn't really matter because I'm not worth it. I now feel like I'm going to mess up my new place too.
My parents are great, but somehow I feel like I'm letting them down with everything I do. I dropped out of uni, coasted my way through a crappy job for 12 years, now have a bit better job, but we all know if I wasn't so damn lazy I could have done better, I had the grades and intelligence, but never knew what I wanted to do and never applied myself. I am obese too. Despite all this they never get on my back, but deep down I feel sure I'm just a big disappointment to them.
I get upset at work when there's a meeting I'm not involved in, even if I know it's nothing to do with me. I manage to convince myself that not being in the room is because I'm not good enough to contribute anything. Then when I do get involved in a meeting, I just sit there not saying anything, thinking nobody wants to hear from someone like me anyway. When anyone talks to me, or calls for me, I automatically assume it's because I've made a mess of something.
My girlfriend is amazing and I talk to her about how I'm feeling then feel stupid, weak and guilty. She never judges, she always supports me, but now I feel like I need to try to stop burdening her or she's going to realise I'm not worth being with, but she's the only one I've ever told about how I feel when I'm like this.
I read all this back and feel like a spoilt brat for feeling like this when I'm so lucky and have so much going for me, but I don't know how to get on top of the negative thoughts that I'm useless, can't do anything right.
I'm new here, never been on anything like this before so sorry if this is a bit of a ramble.
I am really struggling with my thoughts at the moment, and even posting this makes me feel guilty as I know there are so many people in worse positions than me. I have a decent job, an amazing supportive girlfriend, great parents. I've just bought a lovely new house with my girlfriend and yet I can't shake the feelings that I don't deserve it. I'm sitting at work just now and fighting off tears, but no real idea why.
I feel like I make a mess of everything I touch, and I am lazy. I have a small house and make no effort to tidy it, so it's now horrible, but I feel like it's only me there and as though it doesn't really matter because I'm not worth it. I now feel like I'm going to mess up my new place too.
My parents are great, but somehow I feel like I'm letting them down with everything I do. I dropped out of uni, coasted my way through a crappy job for 12 years, now have a bit better job, but we all know if I wasn't so damn lazy I could have done better, I had the grades and intelligence, but never knew what I wanted to do and never applied myself. I am obese too. Despite all this they never get on my back, but deep down I feel sure I'm just a big disappointment to them.
I get upset at work when there's a meeting I'm not involved in, even if I know it's nothing to do with me. I manage to convince myself that not being in the room is because I'm not good enough to contribute anything. Then when I do get involved in a meeting, I just sit there not saying anything, thinking nobody wants to hear from someone like me anyway. When anyone talks to me, or calls for me, I automatically assume it's because I've made a mess of something.
My girlfriend is amazing and I talk to her about how I'm feeling then feel stupid, weak and guilty. She never judges, she always supports me, but now I feel like I need to try to stop burdening her or she's going to realise I'm not worth being with, but she's the only one I've ever told about how I feel when I'm like this.
I read all this back and feel like a spoilt brat for feeling like this when I'm so lucky and have so much going for me, but I don't know how to get on top of the negative thoughts that I'm useless, can't do anything right.