I don't want to live *SU Trigger*

[forgetmenot]

I'm sorry for complaining cause I know everyone has their own problems and I feel so guilty but I can't stop myself from feeling so low. I'm 18 now and I thought my problems would be over after struggling with depression and getting better only to have it again. I thought it would be easier this time but it's so much worse. I've been feeling this way for around a year and a half now and I just don't think anything good will come out of life.

I'm kind of an orphan in the definition sense of not having parents. Again I know others have it so much worse. But basically I am no longer in contact with my parents. My dad I haven't spoken to in about 15 years and my mum I haven't spoken to in around a year now. I have other family members I guess but they don't really like me. I'm living with my uncle and aunt and they don't like me at all. They like me in the sense that I'm family but they just hate me. They don't want to get to know me and each time I try so hard to start anew and now I just go along with what they want but it hurts so much cause I just feel like I'm not accepted as being myself and it's so horrible lying about who you are. Even now though there'll be something wrong. I just keep getting lectures about how I act and if I say anything they don't like they just give me this look and I feel so bad all the time. I dunno I really want a family. At the moment it feels like if I died it would make no difference at all.

I haven't accomplished anything either. I'm so terrible at everything. I can't do anything right. I have no hobbies, no job, no interest. The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I am a student but I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so lonely.

I don't want to die but I don't want to live either. The future just seems so bleak.

[Jaquaia]

Hi and welcome. This may sound like a cliche but you're only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you lovely. You have plenty of time to achieve something. Have you spoken to your GP about how you're feeling? Have you had counselling/CBT? On medication? Sorry for all the questions, just trying to get a better idea.

Do you have any support at all? It might be worth speaking to student support at your college/uni. Your local mind can also be a good resource.

[Suzi]

Hi and welcome to DWD. I completely agree with everything Jaq has said.
You don't need to feel guilty for posting at all. Sweetheart are you at college/uni? Could you move out? Do you have friends around you?

I've added a trigger warning just to make others know that they might find some of what you are talking about a trigger. It's not a problem though...

[Paula]

Hi and welcome, sweetie. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so awful (panda). Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel? Are you on any medication? Are you at school/college/uni?

Hunni, I have 2 kids, both girls, one is 21 and the other is 18. My youngest and I have seriously struggled with our relationship over the years and at one time, to my shame, she honestly believed I didn’t like her. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Shes strong and feisty and is her own person. She doesn’t let anyone stop her being the person she was born to be. We don’t always agree but I would never ask her to be or do anything she isn’t. We don’t always see eye to eye, but I love her and I am enormously proud of the young woman she’s grown into. But it’s taken time for her to see that’s how I feel about her. What I’m trying to say is, perhaps how you think your aunt and uncle feel about you isn’t how they really feel itms? Have you asked them?

[OldMike]

Hi Forgetmenot, I can't really add much to what the ladies have already said. When I was 18 (half a century ago) I struggled with life I didn't know what it was at the time but looking back it was probably my depression starting. As Jaq said you're still young and have plenty of time to get things sorted, there's no magic wand but you'll get there.