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View Full Version : This is me and I where I am today *SU TRIGGER*



psw69
13-06-19, 02:21 PM
Here are my random thoughts and ramblings as I try to explain how I feel. They arenít cohesive and probably donít even make sense. Maybe someone somewhere understands how I feel. Others may feel I need to be more assertive and snap out of it and push on. But this is who I am. It is what I have become over many many years.

I am suffocating here, trapped behind bricks, mortar and anxiety, unable to break free while the whole world it seems moves forward. Thereís no future for me except perhaps suicide should all of it get too much for me and the overwhelming sadness inside becomes unbearable. As hard as I try I see no other outlook for myself or anyone close to me, just more of the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. Itís hard to explain truly how miserable I feel most of the time. It is as if something has hold of me, some poison in my system and in my brain that I canít shake off. Something that clouds my thoughts and represses anything better inside me. I wake up feeling desolate and sad and my dreams make me sadder still. There seems no escape from this road for me. It will just keep on going as I wander aimlessly from day to day in a vain attempt to try to be as normal as possible as my existence seems to be merging into one long dream like state. My thoughts in my head keep talking at the same as if several radio stations are trying to grab my attention and I canít silence them. I feel like I am completely crazy at times when all I want is to switch of the constant buzz of random thoughts I have whizzing around for some peace and quiet.

The mountain of tablets that I have consumed over the years have made no improvements as here I am feeling even worse than I felt on the day I swallowed my first. Go to the doctor. Take these and come back next month. Give them a bit longer and come back next month. We will up your dosage next month. Leave it for another month or so. We will take you off these tablets and put you on some different ones next month. And on it goes till I have come full circle and the only option is to try tablets that did not work before. And on it will go, month after month, year after year, decade after decade.

My guts are in knots and my nerves are on edge most of the time. I want to enjoy the small things, the pleasure of trying new food, reading a book or a pleasant walk. But I canít, even those simple things have seemingly been robbed from me. I do try but it is hard, very hard, and tiring and ultimately pointless. I feel like the whole world has become louder, more selfish and wrapped up in the pointless and the mundane. I feel invisible. I do not understand people and they do not understand me. Everything moves too fast for me and I will at some point to get trampled underfoot. And knowing that my hyperhidrosis is getting worse year after year and that nothing can be done makes everything seem harder. All I can look forward to more horrible comments when I go out, or to go out even less than I already do.

I attended an anxiety group recently after I was put on a waiting list for counselling. I was talked over several times as I tried to speak. Not once though was I asked what it was that I wanted to say. And when people were told how long I hadnít worked I could feel their derisory looks. Afterwards it all came to me again, that feeling of I donít belong, that I donít matter, and that I am at times invisible. I almost felt beaten, what little esteem I had knocked out of me and I was left unable to face going back the following week. The letter several weeks later certainly reinforced my belief that people do not want to help me and I do not deserve to be helped. Just type me a letter and file me under loser and tell me to get lost without even asking why someone who has social anxiety issues couldnít stomach going back. Help it seems is for people who shout the loudest. However it appears my only chance of help has now come to an end. My problem is I hide deeper in myself and cut off the outside world when I am at my lowest. Which is often.

[CONT BELOW]

psw69
13-06-19, 02:21 PM
To be given hope of having kids and seeing a scan of them then to be kicked to the kerb and have it all taken away, knowing that there is nothing I can do to make things better is painful. You don’t miss what you have never had is untrue. I miss not having children every day and it hurts and it is my fault that this is so.

I wish I could get to sleep but I can’t. I’m scared to go to sleep, and this may sound like some lame horror film, but it feels that there is something or someone waiting in the shadows of my dreams, just beyond my field of vision. When I go to sleep I can sense something, sometimes I have seen something watching but I can’t quite make it out. Or there’s a sudden movement, a patch of darkness that has flitted out of sight. I have sensed it outside the windows and it really scares me. A few times I have felt myself been pulled away by an invisible force and I have had to fight to break free and I wake up screaming. I just know that wherever it takes me is a bad place and if I go there then it feels like there is no coming back. And if I did die, I do not want it to be here. I do not want to be driven in a hearse along this street past all the litter while everyone says ‘there goes that loser' 'he was good at nothing' 'always has been a loser' 'didn’t even work' 'glad he’s gone because it’s unfair when people like him live when better people die too young' 'he’s done nothing with his life’. Or god forbid stay here in limbo for all eternity.

I don't know if getting this off my chest and out of my head will help. Time will tell.

Jaquaia
13-06-19, 04:14 PM
Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning as you mention suicide. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them.

Can I ask what meds you have tried? Have you had any counselling or are you still waiting? Did you try talking to those running the anxiety group or did you just stop attending? Even if you did it via email? The problem is mental health services are severely understaffed and under funded so they don't really have the capacity to chase after people who don't attend. You have to shout to get the help you need. It's taken me 10 years to get the help I needed.

There is always a reason to carry on, it just sometimes takes a while to see it, but we're a friendly group and will support you as much as we can.

Mira
13-06-19, 04:21 PM
Hello psw, welcome here. I can relate a little to where you are coming from. I too have fears and I am anxious most of the day. Scared of what people will think of me eventhough I am my own worst enemy. Talking down on myself to the point where there is no more love for myself. No more kindness. Only selfloathing and hate.

But thats not me. Not the whole me. And from what I read its not the whole you either. If we would have given up we would be talking in a different way. We want to try and get the most out of life and ourselfs but its hard doing it ourselfs because we are buried underneath all that mess.

The things you wrote towards the end made me sad. Sad because thats how I see myself too. But try to be honoust and tell me if the people you have near to you feel the same way? For the life of me I can not understand why the few friends I have like me. But they do. I am sure people feel that way about you too.

I am glad you joined here. Because here we are all together in trying to feel better and get well. No specialists here but lots of people that will keep rooting for you no matter how you feel. And we can all use people in our lives that care about us. Not if we work or not or what we are good in or bad. We all have our qualities.

Suzi
13-06-19, 07:13 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD. Let me reassure you that you will never be told to "snap out of it" or "push on through it"... What I will say is that I've never met you, but all I want to do is reach in and give you the biggest hug. I know that right now things are seeming really bad, but it doesn't always have to be like this. I promise you that you won't be invisible here. We care about our members and I've made such close friends that it becomes closer than family.
For what it's worth, you don't come across as a loser at all to me.
Do you have any friends/family as support?