Struggling to cope *SU trigger*

[CaterpillarGirl]

Hi guys, I hope everyone is doing ok, I know it's been a really long time since I was here, i guess I just got caught up in life and I had been doing so much better. Emphasis on the had been. Past tense. Now I'm not and I don't know why but I've really just had enough and I have nowhere to turn. I feel so alone and I'm struggling with all these thoughts of not wanting to be here, I don't think I'm going to act on it but I feel like I'm running out of options, I've been to the doctors and I'm changing over meds, I just feel like nobody understands and so I can't talk to anyone about it. I've been talking to my friend but I don't think she realises just how bad it is and she's dealing with her own stuff too so I don't want to keep bothering her. I know you guys all have your own stuff too I just really needed to get this all off my chest. I'm having a really hard time just getting through each day, I'm exhausted from wearing my mask constantly and I don't want to leave my house. I'm having a really hard time with Lena and her attitude towards me and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to be here, I want to die but I don't want to hurt all the people around me and it's so difficult because I just don't know what to do. I don't have the strength to go on any more but I have to and the more I carry on and pretend I'm ok the worse I get.
I'm sorry for disappearing for so long and then coming back with a long rant but I didn't know where else to turn. Everything online says ring these numbers but I can't, I just can't do it, or go to a&e but I don't feel like I'm bad enough and I don't want to waste their time. I just needed to talk, because I know I have to get through this, I have to, I just don't know how

[Paula]

Oh hunni, I’m sorry you’re feeling so bad (panda). What meds are you changing from and to? Remember, changing over is really tough and you’re likely to feel worse before you feel better ...... but we’re here and will support you every step of the way.

You will not be wasting anyone’s time if you ring those numbers or go to a&e. Their job is to look after people who are in crisis - physically or mentally - which is where you are right now. You need every bit of support that is available, so please, please ask for it

[OldMike]

Changing meds can be really difficult, you've just give it time (easier said and done). I was thinking about you the other day as it seemed ages since you last posted here. We are here to listen. (panda)

[Suzi]

Hey lovely, so good to see you - sorry you're feeling rubbish.
You won't be wasting anyone's time by calling or texting etc. You are important and you matter and your feelings matter.
What's up with Lena?

[Strugglingmum]

Hey there. Sorry things are rubbish for you. It's horrible how when you think things are getting better then you just sink again.
What's happening with Lena?
Could that be bringing you down?
Hun can I really suggest Samaritans just to talk. Keep on here but if you need a voice to talk to I have used them.... a lot.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Thank you guys for all your kind words, I ended up going for lunch with my friend today and she's putting me in touch with a friend of hers that's been through the same thing so I can have someone to talk to about it. I'm currently coming off sertraline but I can't remember the name of the new one. Lena's attitude is just getting worse and worse and it really feels like she doesn't care about anything, although I ended up breaking down in front of her earlier because I just my finger and shouted in pain and she ignored me, when I asked her about it she said she hadn't heard me but she still didn't seem bothered (I had bent my nail right back and it REALLY hurt) and then she got in a mood for no reason and I just got really upset. After I broke down we had a really good chat (she ended up crying too) and she says she is going to try harder, I just hope she sticks to it.
I'm going to try and get some sleep now, I just feel so exhausted, low and miserable at least when in asleep I don't feel anything
Thanks you again for being so supportive, I forgot how much I love you guys, I've missed it here xx

[Paula]

How old is she? I had a pretty rough time with my youngest for the last years but just recently things have got a lot better (she’s 18). I know how awful it can be, lovely, so I’m sending love and hugs (panda)

[Suzi]

Massive hugs hunni... Mine can be just as difficult... (panda)(bear)
Ouch for the finger love!

Sleep well.
I've missed you too!

[Strugglingmum]

They can seem very selfish at times.... mine are the same. The hope is they come out of it and turn into well adjusted adults;)
Hope the finger heals. Sounds very painful.
I'm glad you're talking. Xx

[CaterpillarGirl]

she's 11 going on 16! I've taken a mental health day from the school where I volunteer, they are very understanding so that's good. I'm meeting my friend for a walk with our dogs, she's been such a rock a big help to me lately and we've only really known each other around a year. Although I can talk to Greg he doesn't understand what I'm going through, he does try his best, but I usually end up feeling worse! So it's nice to have someone that understands :) I hope everyone has a lovely day

[Paula]

What are you doing today to be kind to you?

[OldMike]

Pre-teens and teens can be an absolute pain at times (I probably was at that age). I often chat to many nice people walking dogs when I'm out and about it's so nice you've got a friend to chat to. (panda)

[Suzi]

I hope you've been being kind to you....

[Strugglingmum]

I'm glad you have your friend too. It makes a big difference.(bear)

[CaterpillarGirl]

I'm feeling a bit brighter today, Greg is taking me to the cinema later so that should be fun. Lena is trying to be better (although trying and actually doing don't always go hand in hand!)

[Paula]

Still, trying is something at least ;). Enjoy the cinema, lovely

[Suzi]

Hope you have fun at the cinema lovely! Reward trying. It's a step in the right direction!

[OldMike]

Trying is good, hope you have a good time at the cinema.

[Paula]

How’s things?

[CaterpillarGirl]

I'm not feeling as good today as I was yesterday but also not as bad as I have been. I've been out for a walk to the grocers which made me feel better as it's such a beautiful day, I'm just attempting to tackle some tidying as I have let my house get on top of me and I want to get it back into some kind of order. I've treated myself to a new environmentally friendly razor and some shaving soap which arrived today so I'm going to try those out later (the soaps smell amazing I can't decide which one to use!) Hope every one else is doing well

[Jaquaia]

Sorry you're not feeling too good (panda)

Make sure you take plenty of breaks lovely and try and fit in some time for being kind to you

[Suzi]

Absolutely agree with Jaq. Make sure you pace lovely xx

[CaterpillarGirl]

Yesterday I was up and down, I did manage to get some tidying done which made me feel much better and I went out for a little walk in the sunshine, unfortunately I also got very stressed out trying to delete an expired card from eBay so I could order some bags for the kitchen caddy (took me a good half an hour to figure it out) and then Lena just really wasn't understanding at all and I ended up on the verge of an anxiety attack. Today I'm taking Mia to for a haircut, her fur's getting so long I can barely see her face! Then I'm meeting my friend for a coffee, today is a day for doing nothing stressful as I need to wind down after yesterday!

[Suzi]

Oh hunni! Sorry about yesterday. Pacing today please?

[CaterpillarGirl]

I'm in quite a good mood today so fingers crossed it will go well (also I accidentally posted that same post again please could you delete it?)

[Paula]

Post deleted, hunni. I’m glad you’re being kind to you today :)

[Suzi]

Glad you're happier today!

[SA89]

Hey it's good u had a better day, stress really does ruin our mood then it snowballs into other stresses. It's not easy to avoid these potential triggers as life is full of triggers, we have some control though to manage it (nod)

[Suzi]

How you doing lovely?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Hey guys, I keep meaning to post here and then life keeps getting in the way! I've still been up and down, today I'm not feeling too good. Lena has been pushing and pushing me all morning even though she knows what I'm going through. She's just gone to my dad's and not even said sorry or goodbye or anything just basically left me in tears on the sofa. I don't know how to cope with this teenage thing, it just feels like she doesn't care about anything, it's like that break down I had and the chat we had is from a completely different life. I'm at the doctors on Thursday though so hopefully that will help (I'll be discussing with him the possibility of me having autism which would explain so much about me and I think make me feel a lot better about some things). Me and Greg are going out for lunch later so that will hopefully cheer me up! I hope everybody is having a fab weekend :)

[OldMike]

I'm afraid I can't give you any advice on dealing with teenage daughters, hope all goes well at the docs, hope you and Greg have a nice lunch out (panda)

[Suzi]

Is she happy at school? Is she sociable? Working OK?
(panda)(bear) I know how crappy it can be..

[Paula]

Oh hunni, I get it. The things Jess has said to me over the years have been awful. But she’s 18 now and it is getting easier - and I’m sure it will with Lena too. One thing my mum said, and I think it’s true, is that it showed that Jess trusted me

[CaterpillarGirl]

She's doing fine at school, she had some counselling for her anxiety which really helped. I'm feeling a lot worse today because after a lovely day with Greg he made a fly away comment about topping himself if he didn't have money in the bank, he didn't mean anything by it but it really upset me and he just couldn't understand where I was coming from. I had had a few drinks and I know I shouldn't have, I ended up going to stay at my friends because I felt so worthless and just wanted to die and didn't trust myself on my own. I've tried talking to him with us both sober but he still didn't get it so I've just sent him a really long message explaining my feelings about it all and I'm just waiting for him to read it and reply, I can't settle down until it's sorted because I'm hurting so much right now after the way he has reacted and I feel like he's not even trying to understand things from my perspective

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart.. You know that alcohol is a depressant.... You're trying to deal with so much right now.

WRT Greg, have you managed to get him to see what you mean?

[CaterpillarGirl]

Yes we had a really good talk after he read my message and he understands where I was coming from now. I'm not going to drink for now, at least until my meds are sorted (I'm not a big drinker anyway, usually only special occasions or when we go away) thank you as always for your support, I also got a big cuddle off Lena when she came home because I asked me dad to have a word with her while she was there to let her know how she'd made me feel, today is a much better day and the sunshine definitely helps! I'm off to Manchester to check out the universities zero waste shop

[Paula]

Well done on having that talk, that’s always tough to do so you should be proud :) and that was a good idea getting your dad to have a word with Lena

[Angepange01]

Hi Hope you dont mind me replying to your thread. ive just joined and am slowly reading about peoples experience with depression as I have been living with someone who suffers for many years. Please dont ever say you dont want to be here!! Everybody has a worth as a human being and you just need to find a small tiny glimmer of a happy place for yourself. What meds are you taking? My husband has been on Fluoxitine for years but really I dont think its doing that much good. He of course has self medicated over the years with Alcohol cocaine etc but its all a short term fix that makes him feea bit but then the come down is horrid and he also has to deal with the guilt he feels for having no willpower. its an endless cycle of good and bad days but NEVER would it be better without him!! I take the good days with the bad as he is a fab human being just dealing with a lot of crap not to say I dont want to throttle him some days when Im having to deal with work the children and just general everyday stuff while hes sleeping or feeling like he doesnt want to leave the house. I want him to try a more natural and maybe herbal route if I can but not really sure where to start. Gonna do some research into it and see if anyone on here maybe has any advice. Have you tried any alternatives to help with how your feeling? I know a lot of people say meditation can help alot.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely! Great strategies and results...

[OldMike]

Well done CGirl on having a good talk with Greg. Not quite sure what a zero waste shop is, whatever it is hope you find what you want.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Thank you Angepange for your thoughtful message, I'm currently coming off sertraline to try fluoxetine, still got a couple of weeks left of sertraline at the moment. I've never tried any natural or herbal but I would be very interested to hear what you find as I'd love to not have to take medication, I've not tried meditation but I find going out walking helps a lot. Oldmike, a zero waste shop is where you can buy dried good like pasta and herbs and things without the nasty plastic packaging (I'm becoming very eco friendly at the moment and trying to eliminate plastic from my life as much as possible) I managed to get everything I needed which was good but unfortunately because it's run by volunteer students they're closing for the summer now. There is another similar shop in the town centre that I went in though and they're very friendly and helpful. I've had a very good day today, just a wee bit stressed as Lena has had a massive clear out and all her stuff is currently clogging my living room while i try and sort out what to do with it all!

[Suzi]

Charity shop? Selling on FB? Ebay?

Glad it's been a good day lovely...

[CaterpillarGirl]

That's the plan, it was more the sorting of everything and figuring the best place for each thing that was stressing me, I've got it pretty much sorted now though. Had a bad couple of days, just feeling really low, not wanting to do anything. I saw my doctor yesterday and he has referred me for being tested for autism which is a positive step. Still not feeling the best today but I'm going to try and get some stuff done

[Paula]

(panda) just take today one step at a time, and rest when you need to

[OldMike]

^^^ What Paula says, can't really add anything else (panda)

[Suzi]

Paula is right. One step at a time, you've got this. Keep talking to all those around you.... and us ;)

[EJ]

Just read your post. Sending positive thoughts xx

[CaterpillarGirl]

Hey everyone, thought I would just check in. I'm on my new meds now, it's been about 2 weeks so they're still getting in my system, I've been up and down but I haven't been as low as I was when I first started this thread. I had an interview on Monday for a job in the nursery at the school where I volunteer, unfortunately I didn't get it but I got really positive feedback which has boosted my confidence but the whole interview process took it out of me and floored me for 2 days! I've applied for my job back in the school kitchen as they have an opening and I'd really like to stay at that school so fingers crossed! Greg and I have found a house that we like (his brother's selling his house and is letting us have it cheaper than he would have sold it) so we hopefully be in our own place by the end of the year. Lena is doing much better and hasn't been pushing me as much so that's definitely a positive. I hope everyone here is doing well *sending out positive thoughts to all if you*

[Suzi]

Wow that's such a post full of positives! Well done love! Thanks for letting us know!

[OldMike]

A really positive post CGirl, hope you get the job in the school kitchen *fingers crossed* (panda)

[Paula]

That’s awesome! I’m so happy you’re doing better :)