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shadesofpurple
16-05-19, 07:57 PM
Hi sorry this is a long post, please be warned.
Sorry if this seems all over the place; my head is too!


So I’m nearly 30, and in my teenage years and young adulthood I went through some very traumatic experiences. Multiple actually.
It may not seem traumatic to anyone but it genuinely was for me so please don’t be unkind or rude, but one of these things was a mass ostracism; (I was a part of a group of friends I had known since school. We’d always been the “lovely girls”. The girls who yes, got bullied by the troublemakers/popular kids, but otherwise we got on with almost everyone.
We weren’t unkind or nasty to people. So I always assumed I was in a good, strong group.
Anyway, 2010 brought about me still trying to get justice against the guy who r*ped me a year and two months previous (police took forever to do anything!!!!), to then only be let down by police and he got away with it. My mum was then diagnosed with breast cancer...I worked full time at the time and still lived with my parents, so I ended up pretty much being the breadwinner whilst my mum had both chemotherapy and radiotherapy, she needed a few surgeries too and vice versa, so my dad was almost always at hospital with her. I took on all the housework too. I didn’t object of course.
Anyway, they knew all of this, and yet one of them out of the blue fabricated an issue with me one day and all hell broke loose.
The entire group ganged up on me, dragged even more people into it, bullied me, made a huge smear campaign against me, and everyone believed them because they were “so nice. Why would they lie?”
I soon became ostracised by my entire town pretty much as word spread. I was harassed by multiple people, verbally abused in public, humiliated in public... I’d like to point out that I’m on the autism spectrum.
This was no secret. I was also suffering from depression PTSD (yes I was diagnosed with both) due to my ordeal with r*pe and abuse at the hands of my ex (the one I had reported). They knew all of this and would purposely do things to trigger panic attacks to the point I was too afraid to leave the house anymore. I lost my job, all my friends, my dignity and everything pretty much.
I never trusted anyone since. I already had a hard time making friends due to being autistic and now I stood no chance. They ruined my life even more and to this day the memories of it all still haunt me. I can’t seem to shake them. Yes I’ve had therapy but it never worked. I moved away a few years ago and never went back.
Again I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression by another psychiatrist and have seen a number of therapists over the years, to not much avail.


Fast forward to now; this year I finally ended a 20 year toxic and, sadly it seems, one sided friendship with someone who was all round an awful friend for many reasons over the years. She sided with these “friends”/bullies for one thing, but insisted she “wasn’t taking sides” and “I was just as bad as them”. For what exactly?!
I felt some obligation to stay friends with her all this time because of how long we’d been friends, and because for some reason I thought deep down she was nice really, but enough was enough in the end, frankly.
She also recently married a much older man (she’s a year younger than me), and he is scarily, radically religious to the point that he has threatened me with an exorcism?!? Yes I am completely serious.
He said apparently he knows people where I live now, who would restrain me and “forcefully extract Satan/the demon from my body” and that I am not welcome to talk to “his woman” as he calls her, because “I am the devil incarnate” and he will see to it that I never come near her again. (I haven’t done anything to her though?) I’m a non believer and she used to be too until he brainwashed her. Now she’s even worse than before! She’s becoming a female version of him and it scares me. She repeats his crazy stuff all the time; she NEVER used to believe in all of this.

They’ve both told me I need an exorcism now more than once, and they’re deadly serious when they say it...I’m gobsmacked?!
They genuinely think I’m evil or something? Why?
Apparently he’s a social worker too! Whether that’s for children/elderly/disabled etc I don’t know? Surely he can’t make these sorts of threats and insinuations?!
He’s said some awful things to me whilst she listened and didn’t stop him;
Things like how I should “learn my place” whatever that’s supposed to mean? How he’s “a child of Jesus and I’m a hell spawned heathen and a disgrace to society and humanity” apparently. He’s said that he’s met my parents (mine and her parents are friends), and how they’re so lovely and don’t deserve “something like me”. 😞
She didn’t tell him to stop or anything. She was agreeing with him, telling me I need help and that I “can’t go on turning people away and turning my back on Jesus in doing so.” I have only ever removed people who have been toxic to me and dragging me down!

shadesofpurple
16-05-19, 07:58 PM
(Cont...) I’m so hurt and betrayed, it’s brought all the previous pain and trauma back.
I don’t know how to handle things like this. I did nothing to provoke them? I’m confused.
I merely ended a toxic friendship and once again it blew up into just this disgusting tirade.
I was left shaking and crying after that happened.
I’m in such a dark place all over again, and have been crying on and off ever since and have had several panic attacks.
Hate is a strong word but I truly hate her and him after this.

Sorry this is so long.
I needed to get this off my chest.
No matter where I go, there are nasty people it seems. Most people I meet end up being unpleasant.
Maybe it is me? Maybe I am bad but can’t see it? I don’t know.
I don’t want to be here anymore but I have children. I can’t leave them, I couldn’t do that to them. But I’m so miserable and feel so alone. I feel like I’m falling back down to rock bottom all over again ��
It’s taken me years to get over the last one, and I’m still not over that. I’ve cut contact of course, but the pain remains.
Sorry if this is all muddled. My head is all over the place.
I’ve been so hurt, so angry to the point I just want to punch them all one or hurt myself, but I’m not a violent person so this terrifies me. All therapists have given up on me and there aren’t many where I live who can offer me what I need.
I tried to even write her a letter about it all with literal information and evidence, but she just took no responsibility for her actions and said “sorry you FELT that I’ve...blah blah.” That isn’t an apology.
She proceeded to tell me that it was half my fault those people hurt me and I was “equally to blame” because apparently “I went looking for it”?!?!? It happened out of the blue! It took me by complete shock! And then proceeded to refer to my information as “just quotes” and proceeded to chuck bible quotes at me shoving her new religion down my throat again! I replied and asked how dare she say that, I corrected her and then told her our friendship is over for good, and blocked her. I’m stunned and so hurt; I thought she’d at least try to listen and understand - the old her probably would have! How dare she blame me for my own bullying and ostracism?!
It’s really really hurt me as I find it hard to make friends anyway due to my high social anxiety (to do with autism).
I’m hurt and angry. I want to hurt them like they have me. I can’t see people the same way anymore; it’s ruined my life in so many ways. I’m scared and so alone, I don’t want to be here.
Sorry for rambling...
Please don’t leave rude or nasty replies. :(
Thank you for reading.
X

Jaquaia
16-05-19, 08:36 PM
Hi and welcome. I've added a trigger warning. It's nothing to worry about, it's just so people can avoid your thread if it would trigger them. You never have to worry about rude or nasty replies here, we won't stand for it and everyone is lovely and supportive here anyway.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, there's no wonder you're struggling. Have you ever had any specialist counselling?

Paula
16-05-19, 08:57 PM
Hi, sweetheart, and welcome (hi). As Jaq says, rude, nasty, toxic comments and behaviour are not accepted here, ever. You will only find warmth, friendship and support here.

I’m so sorry for the way you’ve been treated - there is never any excuse for treating anyone like that. Also, as a Christian, I am appalled and disgusted by the way your ex friend and husband have behaved. I promise you that someone who truly believes in, and follows, Jesus would never be so hideously awful to anyone. Matthew ch 22 tells us that Jesus said that the greatest commandments are that we love God with all our heart and love our neighbour (ie everyone) as ourselves. Hunni, I’m not for shoving my faith down someone’s throat but I just wanted you to understand what being a Christian really means.....

Suzi
16-05-19, 09:49 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD. As my lovely team members have said this is a safe place to talk. You shouldn't have been through any of that.
Are you currently on medication? Having talking therapy?

Also no one has the right to ever talk to you like that and certainly no one who ever refers to themselves as someone with any form of religious background should ever say such hideous and hate filled rubbish like that...

shadesofpurple
16-05-19, 10:12 PM
Thank you all for replying xx

I have had multiple therapies over the years including CBT and DBT.
I have also tried multiple medications (Citalopram, Mirtazipine, Sertraline) but they all made me so poorly I had to stop taking them :(

Oh I know; a true Christian would never behave that way. I was raised by Christian grandparents and went to their church with them.
I may not believe anymore but every Christian I know has been lovely and accepting of anyone, understanding and kind.
He is ‘born again’ and my grandmother says a lot of them do become extreme.
I wouldn’t know but he scares me with the way he speaks.

Thank you for being so welcoming
I feel so bad ranting and especially saying that I’m angry and want to hurt them, that’s not like me at all xx

shadesofpurple
16-05-19, 10:18 PM
I’m addition I have a father who doesn’t care about me whatsoever.
He says he doesn’t care how I feel and doesn’t want to hear it.
He invalidates my feelings and experiences and downplays them, tells me to shut up...
He’s also been abusive in other ways (not sexually though) but he’s beaten me up before when I was a teenager, threatened me, calls me a loser and waste of space, has told me to die/wishes I had never been born/no one wants or cares about me...
And he’s right. They don’t

Paula
16-05-19, 10:39 PM
Hunni, there’s lots more anti-depressants than those three, all of which act differently on different people. I’m sorry those three have made you so poorly but there may be alternatives. Please talk to your doctor again .....

And your father’s wrong. We care, else we wouldn’t be talking to you :)

Mira
16-05-19, 11:04 PM
Hello, just wanted to say hi. And no need to worry about people being rude or nasty here. I only find kind caring people here.

Suzi
17-05-19, 08:34 AM
Sweetheart please don't think that you've tried every medication which might help you. As Paula says there are loads of different ones - it's a bit of trial and error which can be really frustrating. You say that the ones you've tried have made you really poorly - in which way?
Have you ever had psychotherapy or counselling? It sounds to me that actually something like that might really help you.

Flo
17-05-19, 09:03 AM
Hi(hi) Don't feel discouraged. Paula and Suzi are right. There are loads of different anti depressants and anxiety medications. It's a case of working with your doctor and finding the right one. One thing I would say is that there are some that make you feel nauseous for the first few weeks, and then they settle down. I expect it's a case of your body getting used to them. Therapy and 1:1 counselling can be a God send. And one more thing..it takes a lot of guts and courage to offload on a forum. But you'll only get encouragement love and positivity here. So 'just for today' try and be positive and give it your best shot because there's light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better. Ignore nastiness and bad feeling from those around you at home. They may never understand. Just concentrate on you, because you're worth the effort.(bear)

shadesofpurple
17-05-19, 02:05 PM
I honestly don’t want to take any more medication.
It made me very sick outside of normal side effects.
Also I have issues with my heart, due to an issue when I was born so I’d rather not risk it anyway.
As mentioned I have had multiple attempts in therapy and counselling but nothing ever worked. My brain doesn’t work in the same way as most able people.
I’ve given up after years of them giving up on me

Suzi
17-05-19, 05:01 PM
It's your body and your mind and your choice as to whether you opt for meds or therapy or not. I think we were just trying to suggest that there are more options available then the standard 3 or 4 meds which are picked out by a GP as a starting place.
WRT therapy - I totally understand, it took my husband to have 2 different attempts at CBT, 4 different CPN's and then a psychotherapist to actually work with him and make leaps and bounds in his recovery. Never say never lovely. That's all...

EJ
17-05-19, 05:24 PM
I agree with Suzi in terms of treatment never say never. I was regarded as being in the treatment resistant group. For me it took an inpatient stay in a private hospital and a combination of drug therapy to finally turn my illness around. I thought that I would never become well or stable and I have achieved that. My psychiatrist put me on a combination of lithium and mirtazapine. This was after many anti depressants including a long spell on dothiepin. I didn’t believe that it would be drugs that would make me well including two stays in therapeutic communities and two stays in psychiatric hospitals. I had CBT but that did not eventually work for me. I have also found hypnotherapy helpful.

shadesofpurple
19-05-19, 03:05 AM
Things have got worse...
They’re denying everything and have gone to my mother! (I’m a grown married woman with my own family now!?) and protested their “innocence”!
They “swear on their lives, hand on heart” etc claim they haven’t said anything like that to me!?
I?????
The former friend claimed she cared about me and [my mum] ‘knows’ she does, apparently, according to this woman.. She’s claimed she “just wants to help”!
They’re denying everything and going to my family, making me out to be crazy or a liar!
People have done this to me before and no one will believe me!
Maybe I am crazy or getting it wrong? Maybe I am a bad person? I don’t know anymore.
I must be if this keeps happening. Like everyone says, “I’m the common denominator” here :( I’m so confused
Those things WERE said! In a phone call which I can’t prove - BECAUSE it was a phonecall
Am I insane?!

Suzi
19-05-19, 10:38 AM
I'm sorry I'm a little confused! Who has gone to your Mum?

shadesofpurple
19-05-19, 04:38 PM
I'm sorry I'm a little confused! Who has gone to your Mum?


The former friend I mentioned in my first two posts on this thread; the one whose husband said I “need an exorcism” etc and sided with my tormentors

Suzi
19-05-19, 06:08 PM
Do you have much contact with any of them or your mother?

shadesofpurple
19-05-19, 06:20 PM
Do you have much contact with any of them or your mother?

No. I blocked them after those things were said and threats were made...I speak to my Mum sometimes though.
She called me and told me what had been said by this girl, and told me she told her to leave me alone, but that she’s worried about “how I’m coping” since she believed some of what she said.
I’m just disgusted that my family are now involved in this! I’m sickened that I’m being made out to be some crazy liar AGAIN over these disturbing things that were said!
People keep doing this...It’s gaslighting surely?
Everyone thinks I’m a liar and “psycho” as it is because it’s happened so much.
Now I even doubt myself.
But all of this facade, pretending to my Mum that she’s “concerned about me and trying to help” is so manipulative and just wrong. People who care would not act like that!
I’m worried my parents will intervene more and try to have my children removed or get social services involved because clearly I’m “too crazy” to be a good mother. I can’t trust anyone anymore

Suzi
19-05-19, 07:28 PM
You don't sound crazy to me. You sound like someone who is caught up in rubbish..
Children aren't removed easily lovely, so try not to panic...

shadesofpurple
19-05-19, 07:36 PM
I feel like I’m crazy :(
Honestly this is so exhausting and my head is everywhere.
I was doing fine until all of this transpired; now it has triggered everything again. I'm constantly depressed and feel miserable but numb at the same time, if that makes sense?
Well...If a parent’s mental health comes into it then I’m not entirely sure. I have personally seen two friends in my area who are wonderful mothers, lose their children because they had depression and/or PTSD. They were so afraid to go and ask for help ever again after that. They said they felt targeted and scrutinised the whole time, even though they did everything they were supposed to do. Their children were removed from their custody and place with either family, or put into the care system which is so disgusting and incredibly unfair for mother and child. I know these Mums did not once neglect their children! They were the centre of their world; they didn’t drink, barely went out (unless it was work or with the kids), and they were still targeted. That’s in my area.
I’m scared it will happen to me too. She’s manipulating my family...If my family speak against me to SS then the chance is very high that SS will intervene. They’re so horrible around here :( I don’t know why

Suzi
19-05-19, 07:38 PM
Where abouts are you? Is there a support group you could join?

shadesofpurple
19-05-19, 08:13 PM
South of England. I’m pretty much “in the sticks” as people say.
No I have looked but there’s nothing in my area and I can’t travel far :(

Paula
19-05-19, 08:16 PM
Would it help if you let your mum help you? I just thinking of two things - 1. Family support is invaluable when you’re bringing up kids alone and 2. If at any point SS do get involved, seeing you have a support structure around you will make a huge difference.

Suzi
19-05-19, 10:02 PM
I'm in the South too, there are things around, but it can be difficult to find them. Do you go to Church or anything? What about work? New friends?

shadesofpurple
22-05-19, 08:51 AM
I’m not religious so no church for me. I don’t have many friends due to what I mentioned in my main post...
I do work, yes.

My Mum doesn’t live near me; there are 26 miles between us :(
I had to move away after everything that happened, I just couldn’t deal with being there. I’m not bringing up my kids alone; I do have their father. We are together (again, after recently taking some time apart. Nothing happened exactly, we just weren’t communicating very well but we are working on it now), so I am not alone in that sense.

Suzi
22-05-19, 09:47 AM
Have you talked everything over with him? What does he say about it all?

Paula
22-05-19, 10:45 AM
I’m not religious so no church for me. I don’t have many friends due to what I mentioned in my main post...
I do work, yes.

My Mum doesn’t live near me; there are 26 miles between us :(
I had to move away after everything that happened, I just couldn’t deal with being there. I’m not bringing up my kids alone; I do have their father. We are together (again, after recently taking some time apart. Nothing happened exactly, we just weren’t communicating very well but we are working on it now), so I am not alone in that sense.

I’ve been ill enough in the past to need hospitalising in a psychiatric hospital. My kids at the time were 7 and 3. But there was never any suggestion of SS being involved and my psychiatrist made it very clear to me that she never thought my kids were at risk, especially as I had a very supportive husband. Just because you have depression, lovely, does not mean your children are at risk or that SS will get involved.

shadesofpurple
27-05-19, 06:36 AM
Yes I have talked to him and he supports me.
Sorry but we’re veering off topic here...My original post was about the people who have hurt me.
I don’t know how we got on to me “needing” medication which I don’t want to take ever again because it made me very unwell and didn’t work, or having more therapy. I don’t want more therapy.
I’ve tried so many over the years and I’m always given up on. I’m tired of having therapy that doesn’t help either; the problem is these people who have hurt me. They should be in therapy, not me!
The way they behave is abnormal.
Of course I have talked to people around me! But I don’t like to do it too much because I don’t like to feel like a burden which people in my past made me feel like I am.

Can we please stick to the original topic in my main post?
I have stated where I stand on meds and therapy and talking to people already. Nothing is working. I’m just repeating myself at this point.
The problem is how people have made me feel all over again!

shadesofpurple
27-05-19, 07:23 AM
Also in regards to SS, as I mentioned before, where I live, they do and have taken children away from their mothers due to mental illness and they weren’t at risk at all; I know these women well and I know they loved and looked after their children so well; not neglected, clean and healthy etc, always loved and played with. Children were polite etc, but just because their Mummy had ptsd from an incident years before they were born I one case, they were removed from her care and it has destroyed them.
These Mums have been told if they have any more children either, they’ll be taken away too which is absolutely vile.
And one of these also had a supportive partner. I think it depends on the SS in your area.
I don’t know. But around here they are notorious for going after any woman with a mental illness even if she’s a fantastic mother, or targeting women just because they grew up in care - like that’s their fault!?
So I don’t believe for a second that SS won’t target me too. I do not trust them around here.
I will steer as far away as possible from them.

Suzi
27-05-19, 09:07 AM
I'm sorry you are feeling that we're moving away from what you want to talk about but we're just trying to get a fuller picture and trying to help by talking through your options...
Back on topic...
Why do you think they are targeting you?

Paula
27-05-19, 09:16 AM
I live in the south of England too, and I’ve never heard of those policies from SS in our area. And there has never been any suggestion of my children being taken away over the years (and my children were 3 and 3 months when I was first referred to a psychiatrist, and 7 and 3 when I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital) so I truly don’t understand why, in the same area, you’ve heard about cases that are so different from my own experiences.

As for where you stand on meds and therapy, I’m sorry lovely but, if you refuse meds and believe more therapy isn’t going to help you, I’m concerned that you’re closing the door on all options for treatment that could help you. Your experiences have been dreadful and you’re asking for support, which is really positive, but peer support like you’d get here will have limited results without also receiving support from medical professionals

Suzi
27-05-19, 10:10 AM
I'd also like to add that when my husband was at his worst and I wasn't coping with him and 3 children under 5 my health visitor saw me when I had literally collapsed in tears rocking in my doctors surgery and at no point was there a suggestion of SS taking my children even though the house was a mess... In fact what she did was help. She came out to see me, she referred me to homestart who literally saved me. Bear in mind at the time I had PND too.
I've also not heard about SS taking children away lightly as I said to you earlier. Oh and I live near London so again in the South East..

Allalone
27-05-19, 11:48 AM
I hope you don’t mind me joining in.
I’m sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through. You are depressed and unfortunately we can support you a little on here but realistically you will only get better with some professional help whether it be medication or therapy or both.

Over the years I’ve tried more than 7 different AD, I’ve had horrible side effects from a couple of them and stopped taking them and the others I’ve had some mild side effects which stop after a few weeks. I’ve found one that works for me and initially I wasn’t keen but I persevered and I’m ok with it now.
I too have PTSD. I had counselling when I was about 19 and a little when I was in my early 30’s. When this current episode of depression/PTSD started I too thought what is the point of more therapy, why do I need to talk about all of this again but I know now that I need to talk to someone about it or I won’t get any better.
I’ve been in the depths of despair, I’ve worried about SS as I’ve had a couple of referrals to them but all I’ve had from them or other services is support and help. I’m shocked to hear that’s what has happened in the area you live.

shadesofpurple
05-06-19, 12:12 PM
Just because you haven’t heard of it happening in your area or had it happen to you, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
I haven’t specified where in the South East I’m from, because I don’t want to give away my location. But I am not in or around London...

I’m not closing the door on options! I’ve tried everything available in my area! I can’t travel very far either... As for medication I have explained over and over and over again I have bad reactions to certain medication. I have heart problems so I need to take extra care.
As for therapy, I have said repeatedly I have tried MULTIPLE! CBT, DBT, regular counselling, Emotional Freedom Technique...Most of these I have done more than once or twice. I even tried hypnotherapy which I don’t really believe in anyway. I also tried Reiki, I’ve gone to art therapy which I ended up having to stop because it was so far away and the rail prices went through the roof so I simply couldn’t afford to go. Besides which, I wasn’t really finding it helpful. It was just something to do, not really therapeutic.
I don’t have the money for the remaining private therapists that I haven’t tried in my area and they will not budge on price either.
They’re extortionate!

Sorry but I don’t appreciate being accused of “closing the door” on options when you don’t know what options I have already exhausted, and what I have left to choose from.
Nothing, is the answer.
But again, that wasn’t the topic of this post????
I’ve explained countless times but nobody is listening and keeps picking fault in anything I say?
Thanks but I just give up. I don’t know why I bother talking to anyone.

Mira
05-06-19, 01:53 PM
Hi,

Sadly the thing is that we can not change other people. Only ourselves. And thats not easy too. So with people being that manipulative and being that way there is sadly not much that can be done about it. And if people tend to believe those people thats even worse. But like you said its all stuff that has been made up and not true then you should be able to convey that to the people around you? I think that the best way to prove them wrong is to just be there for the people in your life. And do that in the best way possible. If they then close you out its on them. I know it is painful but we can not force people.

Suzi
05-06-19, 04:26 PM
Admin note.
This member has asked for their account to be deleted as they are not finding it useful. Suzi