Trials and tribulations of a Yorkshire pudding

[Jaquaia]

Noticed how long my last thread was so lets start again!!!


Well done, hunni. Do you believe you can do this yet?

I'm always going to worry. I think it's just a part of who I am. I need at least 30% on my next TMA and my EMA, and I know logically that I can get that without even trying, but I still worry.

I was told by someone the other day that I have a beautiful, caring heart and will make an excellent counsellor. Yet I'm terrified of starting that course, never mind actually passing it, because I'm not convinced I'm good enough.

[Suzi]

What an awesome thread title!

You are more than good enough. I promise. I wouldn't lie to you over something this important or serious...

[Allalone]

I love the title Jaq!

I’m with Suzi, you are definitely more than good enough. From what I know of you on here, you would make a fantastic counsellor.

[Jaquaia]

Thank you ladies. I don't think I've ever not doubted myself. I know I'm capable but I don't believe it itms?

Today is not exactly going great. J has had to leave early as he needs to help his mum take one of the cats to the vets. It's TOTM and I feel really uncomfortable because of stomach ache. It's bad enough to be bothering me but that's possibly because I haven't had one in 3 months. It's bad enough that I'm going to take some painkillers though. And I seem to have had a reaction to something. I have lots of little spots all over my arms and backs of my hands. My right arm is a lot worse then my left and my upper arm feels slightly burny.

[Allalone]

It totally makes sense, I doubt myself too.

Big hugs flying your way. Take care this afternoon.
(bear)(panda)

[OldMike]

Love the title Jaq, you're more than good enough, having seen your posts on here and on FB you'll make an excellent counsellor (bear)

[Mira]

How are you doing now? How are the spots?

I like the new title a lot too. And I agree with that person that made the comment about your caring heart. That is something we can all see. Nobody doubts if you are are capable.

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Ibuprofen has helped the cramps and my arms still has a rash but isn't itchy or burny now so it's settling down. Going to settle down and watch TV tonight I think and start, well continue with, my assignment after my driving lesson tomorrow.

[Paula]

Are you still working 7 days a week?

[Suzi]

I hope that your resting now.....

[Jaquaia]

I haven't done any work for a few days. Not really felt up to it. I need to crack on though. 80% on this last TMA and 85% on my EMA would mean I will pass this module with a distinction too and I'd like to do that. I want to push myself to do as well as I can do.

[Suzi]

Pushing yourself is fine, but not to the detriment of your well being...

[Jaquaia]

I have 2 assignments left, my EMA isn't due until the end of May so I'm not having to catch up and have loads of time to work on that so can take rest days :)

[Suzi]

Hold on.... You're actually pacing? You? Bloody hell! That's awesome!

[Allalone]

Well done on pacing Jaq! Could you pass some tips on to me!!(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Hold on.... You're actually pacing? You? Bloody hell! That's awesome!

Oi!!! Pot and kettle!!! (rofl)


Well done on pacing Jaq! Could you pass some tips on to me!!(giggle)

It's assignment time, I think I'd rather scrub the loo then work... that and lots of TV to catch up on (giggle)

Driving lesson didn't start great! I think I ballsed everything up in the first 5 minutes. But settled down, had very little instruction and dealt well with having to stop and start again, even if I did brake a little late the second time. My speed is getting better too. Overall I think I did pretty well!!!

[Paula]

Jess screwed up the first 10 minutes of her driving test. Her instructor told her afterwards that he was convinced she was going to fail but she calmed down and did so well during the rest of it that he passed as she showed him she could drive. What I’m trying to say is that we all balls up sometimes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t drive. And it sounds like you’ve got that - I’m so proud of you :)

[Jaquaia]

I surprised myself as I didn't beat myself up about it. And I'm able to pick up on things I'm doing well , not just things that need work. I think it's the first time I've ever taken more positives then negatives away from something and not let the negatives affect my mood.

[Suzi]

On my test I managed to lock the examiner out of the car, set off the wipers rather than indicate, indicate right when I wanted to go left, and all before I left the car park.... I still passed!

I'm so proud of you!!

[Jaquaia]

I managed to whack the indicator a few times and instead of indicating I put full beam on!!! But I can see a lot of improvements since I started learning with Bob.

[magie06]

Congratulations on your lesson. Just imagine how nervous you would still be if you had stayed with the other instructor. You are doing great and deserve a pat on the back.
Oh and I'm impressed that you are pacing!!! Well done. (I'm just not sure that laundry hasn't been done or beds changed while you were pacing)!!! (rofl)

[Suzi]

I can see a lot of improvements since I started learning with Bob.
I wanted to highlight this! This is AMAZING!

[Jaquaia]

He's actually very easy to talk to so I feel comfortable enough to talk about the how dark my head can be with him and how that affects me. He understands that my anxiety is almost as if my head is wired differently and affects my judgement when behind the wheel and never tries to force anything, he lets me logic things out and take it at my own pace and that helps me an enormous amount.

[Suzi]

Good!

[Allalone]

Jaq, I’m so pleased you’re enjoying your driving lessons now. I enjoy driving, just having that freedom is amazing. You will have it too one day. Keep it up, you’re doing fantastic!

[OldMike]

Sounds like you're really enjoying learning to drive since Bob became your instructor, keep up the good work you're getting there, a big pat on the back I'm proud of you.

[Suzi]

Morning lovely! How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm exhausted. I was woken up at 3am by a horrible smell. Talia had an accident on her bed again and was clinging to the clean bit. So clean that up, stripped her bed and then struggled to get back to sleep

[Flo]

Ugh!!...we were woken up about the same time with next doors dog barking (he's usually quiet) which went on for about 20 minutes. I think it must have been a cat or something. It took ages to get back to sleep again. Great you're enjoying your lessons. It makes such a difference if you have an instructor you click with.

[Suzi]

Do you know why Talia is difficult at night?

[Paula]

Is it worth talking to the vet?

[Jaquaia]

Not sure really. Last night she couldn't hold her bowels. The last few nights she has stayed on her own bed.

[Paula]

Ring them, what harm can that do?

[Suzi]

If she can't hold her bowels does that mean she's eaten something she shouldn't have or it could be something worse?

[Jaquaia]

Eaten something she shouldn't have, my dad gave her some of his burger.... she's usually on grain free kibble and either a touch of natural yoghurt or dried sprats/oily fish/chicken

[Flo]

Brings back memories Jaq. Our greyhound was the same as Talia. She had bowel problems too, and ate much the same as yours did because her stomach was so sensitive. One of the grandkids gave her some toast with butter plus peanut butter which she sucked back without tasting! She was pooing through the eye of a needle within a few hours. She was 12 then. I guess it's like elderly folk when it comes to diet, just can't tolerate rich stuff. The dogs adore it, but the owner doesn't like the after effects! Hope she's better now. Arrowroot powder put in her water bowl is a stomach calming remedy. I swear by it.

[Suzi]

Poor love..

OO didn't know that about arrowroot! Thanks for the tip!

[Jaquaia]

She's 7 next month Flo. Her kibble is usually salmon and potato, she gets the odd bit of raw chicken and usually a carrot or bit of banana or apple and her stomach is fine but my parents often sneak her things. If she doesn't eat for a few days my mum will do her toast...

[Flo]

I've just asked you how Talia is on another thread...duh! guess she's coming along ok now. Bless her. You're so good with her. But they're lovely company and they make it all worth it.

[Suzi]

Goats milk settles tummies too in dogs. We've used it before and it really helps.

[Jaquaia]

I'm actually not a dog person. I'm pretty wary of dogs; but my sister was getting rid of her and my mum was attached to her and was talking about taking her on so I took her as my mum wouldn't manage. Talia actually spends most of her time asleep near my mum.

[Suzi]

Aww...

[Jaquaia]

J made me giggle. He's bought a book for Manchester on the railway in Altrincham before metrolink as he figured it would take me longer to get ready than him... (giggle)

[Paula]

Haha really?

[Jaquaia]

Yep! He sent me a screenshot of his purchase followed by "For Manchester" (giggle) He's a huge nerd but he's my nerd (inlove)

[Suzi]

That's so sweet!

[Jaquaia]

Assignment submitted! (party)

[Suzi]

Well done love!

[Mira]

Thats awesome. Congratulations you are doing great (party)

[Jaquaia]

We watched GoT...

:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o:o

I'm exhausted now!!!!

[Suzi]

I know! Amazing huh?

[Jaquaia]

I ended up squeezing J's hand quite a few times, grabbed him at one point and almost shouted "(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing hell!!! *spoiler*" and have to admit I shed a few tears. I had goosebumps watching it!

[Mira]

I watched for 2 years and then I stopped. To many I liked died and made me sad. Plus the things they did to one of the characters made me feel weird.

But it has a great following and people love it. Its great you had a good time :)

[Suzi]

I really enjoyed the episode!

What's on your agenda for today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to start my EMA. Just read the assignment booklet so I know exactly what is being asked and start gathering evidence. If I can get it written early then I can put it away for a bit and re-read and edit it nearer the deadline and it will be much more relaxed

[Suzi]

Good for you! Don't overdo it though...

[Jaquaia]

Do I ever overdo it???

Erm... maybe don't answer that...

[Suzi]

Erm, how about.... ​YES!

[Jaquaia]

Pot and kettle :P

[Suzi]

Pfft, I don't know what you mean!

[Jaquaia]

(giggle)

[Paula]

Ladies, maybe you need to learn from the pacing queen? ;)

[Jaquaia]

:o:o:o


But... but... you're just as bad!!!!!

[Paula]

Moi? Non

[Allalone]

Ladies, maybe you need to learn from the pacing queen? ;)

I take it you mean me??!!(giggle)


:o:o:o


But... but... you're just as bad!!!!!

Jaq, you’re exactly right Paula is just as bad. That’s why you need to follow my lead!! I’ve got this pacing lark sorted now!!(rofl)

[Suzi]

So, how's the pacing gone? I paced for about 1 1/2 hours sitting in the garden looking at the vague direction of the pond "to protect the fish from the heron" whilst Marc renetted it! I think I win ladies.......

[Allalone]

No I’ve definitely got this today. I sat with a cuppa and watched Trust Me and half of Line of Duty and this evening I have managed to watch the football! That’s at least 3 hours today. Even I’m impressed with myself!(angel)(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to pace but my mind is racing a little, so many lists in my head of what I need to do next week to be ready for Manchrster

[Paula]

Ermmmmm

[Suzi]

Then write a list and put it in priority order....

[Jaquaia]

Had a brilliant driving lesson! Made a few silly mistakes through having brain farts but I did 95% of the lesson independently!!! So pleased with myself.

[Mira]

You should be. Thats a great lesson. And if you can do that much solo already your are making good progress. Thats great :)

[Jaquaia]

I remembered to change down into first gear when I stopped, I stopped and held the car still on a roundabout while waiting for a safe gap before moving out, I was tentative the first time but better the second time. I stopped to let a bus through and gave them enough space to come through safely, I did a hill start without realising it... I can see massive improvements from my first lesson!

[Allalone]

I’m so proud of you!!!
Apart from all the fantastic drinking that you’ve done, you can see your own progress and be proud of it!! Wow!! Well done Jaq!!(party)

[Jaquaia]

Thank you!!! It makes a huge difference that I can have a laugh and be myself with him too.

Bob - so what are you wanting to do next week?

Me - not wreck my liver...

[Suzi]

(rofl)(rofl)
Blimey love. At some point read back from when you had your other instructor and see the difference.

[Jaquaia]

Even from my first lesson with Bob I can see a huge difference. I feel comfortable and almost confident behind the wheel. Have a huge headache now though, feel sick and my eyes hurt

[Paula]

Are you going to put your feet up for a little while?

[Jaquaia]

Actually having a lie down

[Suzi]

Migraine?

[Jaquaia]

Yep. I very rarely get them yet have had 2 in the last month.
Because I get them so rarely I don't recognise them until I start feeling sick and my eyes are hurting, by which point it feels like someone is trying to dig their way out of my head via my eyeballs!!! Ended up falling asleep with my head under the pillow and my mum made me take some paracetamol

[Suzi]

Do you know what the trigger is? Are you keeping a note of them?

[Jaquaia]

Not a clue! Don't bother keeping a track of them as they don't happen often. I've had maybe 7 in the last 10 years. My mum has frequent migraines and my brother and sister both have them so it could be a genetic thing.

[Paula]

Even if it is genetic, there can still be triggers. Has there been anything unusual or different over the last 24 hours?

[Jaquaia]

Not that I've noticed.

[Suzi]

More stress? A certain fragrance? Something you've eaten or drunk?

How are you feeling this morning?

[Jaquaia]

More stress as I've had my assignment due in but it's never caused a migraine in the past and I've got miles more stressed about previous assignments. Never noticed food or drink as a trigger, I know food triggers my mums though. Not noticed different fragrances triggering me either.

I'm ok, a bit meh and wooly headed but I can plod.

[Suzi]

Plodding is fine. Try keeping a diary? Totm?

[Jaquaia]

That was last week. A possibility I suppose but not the cause of the last one as that was my first TOTM since January...

[Paula]

Has the wool left yet?

[Jaquaia]

No, neither has the nausea. I've taken some painkillers though and have rested all day.

[Suzi]

Have you been able to rest?

[Jaquaia]

I've rested most of the day. Actually not worn my glasses most of the day either and kept my room dark

[Suzi]

Have you taken anything for it?

[Jaquaia]

I took painkillers earlier. A good nights sleep should help

[Mira]

I hope today will be so much better for you (bear)

[Flo]

Yes, I hope you feel better today. It's something I've never experienced, but one of our helpers at the OAP club has them. Her triggers are anything cheese or chocolate related. They must be horrible. Feel for you.(bear)

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

Better, only slightly headachey today but I will take some paracetamol when I take my meds. Got a wash on and will probably just be doing that today.

[Suzi]

Did you take the paracetamol?

[Jaquaia]

I did. I want rid of the headache.

[Suzi]

Has it shifted at all? Are you drinking enough?

[Jaquaia]

It's shifted a little. A shower has helped too

[Suzi]

Good. Does that mean you are going to listen to your body and pace?

[Paula]

Are you drinking enough?

[Jaquaia]

I thought I'd got away with answering that...

[Allalone]

So, are you drinking enough?!(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Possibly not...

[Allalone]

I don’t want to sound like Suzi but I probably will! That won’t help your headache Jaq, you need fluids. Please try and have some more.
(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I promise I will try

[Allalone]

That’s good to hear.xx

[Jaquaia]

My auntie (well, not really my auntie, she was my nana's best friend since my dad was 13 and we just got brought up calling her that) has died. We only found out today as my dads cousin saw it in the paper yet she died 3 weeks ago. My mum often rang her, always sent cards at Christmas and her birthday, she went to Scarlett's first birthday, so they were still in touch yet no one bothered letting them know. That's made me angry for my parents.

[Mira]

my condolences to you and your family. I can understand why that would make you angry. I know that its not easy letting everybody know. But this is close enough in the circle that they should have been told.

[Suzi]

Oh I'm sorry love... I can understand the anger. Do you know why they weren't told?

[Jaquaia]

No idea. All they had to do was look in her address book or check her phone and they could have let them know.

She's been in my life since I was born, her daughter used to look after me, she was killed when she was 16 and I still have the lion she bought me. Her and my nana were always in and out of each others houses for as long as I can remember, she was always there. My dad has known her since he was 13 and he's now 64, a lot of the time she signed his birthday cards "Auntie Jean". It's rubbish. The funeral is on Wednesday and I don't know if I want to go...

[selena]

My condolences and do as your heart tells you, if you feel that you'll have later regrets, go to her funeral.

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry for your loss. As for the funeral, I understand you’re angry and it would make it difficult to be there but this is your last chance to say goodbye to her - you might regret not going later on

[Allalone]

I’m sorry for your loss Jaq. Give yourself a little time before you decide about the funeral.
(panda)

[Suzi]

I agree, don't make any decisions now. I know it's bad, but at least you have found out before the funeral..

[Mira]

How are you doing? I am sure I am not alone in this. We miss you. And hope you are ok (panda)

[Allalone]

Hey Jaq.

You’re quiet, just going to leave these here for you.(panda)(panda)

[Paula]

Hey sweetie, how are you coping? Let us know you’re ok?

[Suzi]

I'm worried about you too....

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Just quietly plodding

[Suzi]

Talk about what's in your head? When is Manchester?

[Jaquaia]

Friday. I'm getting obsessive about planning and probably driving J crazy as I'm getting nervous, what happened 2 years ago makes me nervous, people knowing makes me nervous, even though I know I'll have J with me and that both J and Graham will look out for me.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni I can totally see how you would be feeling anxious.... But you do have personal minders to help and who know you and love you and will keep you safe.

[Jaquaia]

I just can't switch my head off

[Suzi]

OK I get that. Can you try some mindfulness? Or what about switching off and watching something to distract?

[Jaquaia]

I've done most of my packing and attempted to get my eyebrows looking a bit less like Oscar the grouch, bloody hard when you're blind as a bat without your glasses on... Got as far as getting my textbook out. Glad I didn't go to the funeral as my dad's brother showed up.

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

(panda) I'm sorry love xx

[Jaquaia]

He can't help being an arsehole. I refuse to call him my uncle anymore though. He's nothing to me after how he's treated my dad over the last 20 years.

[Mira]

How bad to have people like that in a family (panda)

[Suzi]

How are you this morning love?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Need to get up. Have blood tests in an hour and then my driving lesson. Surprisingly less stressed since I've mostly packed already but I'll unpack and repack at least twice today as that's what I do!

[Paula]

Hope the bloods and lesson go ok. You will be fine this weekend, as Suzi said, you have your minders! (panda)

[Suzi]

Hope you have fun on the driving lesson!

[Jaquaia]

That was really good! I did two 2 and a half mile circuits completely independently with the only comment being to start changing down a bit later when approaching the first roundabout. He said the last one was the best one I've ever done. We did some more junction work too and that was better than last time. I actually got up into 3rd this time. Really pleased with myself!

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Mira]

Thats awesome. And a great win. You got this!

[Suzi]

When are you leaving tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure yet. All I know is after he's taken A to nursery but I need to know where I'm meeting him yet...

[Suzi]

Oh! I was expecting you to have all that sorted and be all excitedly anticipating it!

[Jaquaia]

I've asked and not got a definite answer. He's the one driving so I want him to tell me what would be easier for him.

[SA89]

Hey Jacquaia, your opening post struck a chord with me how you say worrying is a part of who you are. I've been an serial worrier ever since nursery. I worry & over think everything under the sun. People often tell me "lifes too short to worry" but that sentiment doesn't mean anything to people like you or me. If we could simply shut off our minds because "life is too short" or "africa has it worse" I'm sure we would have done it by now. It's like people think we choose to suffer. It's especially typical of those who are relaxed about life to condescend like this. This is exactly why stigma exists because people expect us to be as care free as they are when it's not that simple because mental health is very complex. I don't know if you've ever experienced this reaction?. Hope this resonates, sorry if I'm rambling a bit (blush).

[Suzi]

I've asked and not got a definite answer. He's the one driving so I want him to tell me what would be easier for him.
I can understand that ..

[Jaquaia]

I've been told a few times that there's no point in worrying but I'm very lucky in that I have awesome friends who understand, many of who understand as they've suffered themselves, or because I'm so open about my mental health that it allows them a glimpse inside my head. My partner is very similar to me so he understands too. I find it helps when I try and logically think things through.

[Mira]

I read that you will unpack and pack a few times. Hey thats ok. You should do whatever helps you feel the best you can for the days ahead. There are no mistakes or things that can go wrong. You will be surrounded by friends and people that want to be with you. So you just be you. Thats more then enough so that people want to be around you.

[Jaquaia]

I can understand that ..

He's told me he's coming to collect me. He's a star


I read that you will unpack and pack a few times. Hey thats ok. You should do whatever helps you feel the best you can for the days ahead. There are no mistakes or things that can go wrong. You will be surrounded by friends and people that want to be with you. So you just be you. Thats more then enough so that people want to be around you.

I always worry that I will forget something so I have to check or I can't settle. Only repacked twice so I'm doing well!

[Mira]

I know. I am the same way, thats why I am saying its all ok

[Jaquaia]

Even if I repacked another 6 times before bed I would still worry about forgetting something!

[Mira]

I know, do you make a list? I do that now. 2 trouwsers. 2shirts etc. And i do that for everything that i pack. Works well for me.

[Jaquaia]

No list asI would be worried I've missed something off. I just run through my routine in my head so I know what I need to do that somewhere else

[Suzi]

I'm glad he's coming to get you! You deserve that!

[Jaquaia]

He's a gent. He always treats me well, he even told my mum he loves me on Tuesday (inlove)

I've just spent the afternoon doing my nails. I've not been adventurous, just gone for this; https://www.superdrug.com/Maybelline/Maybelline-Color-Show-46-Sugar-Crystals-Nail-Polish-7ml/p/586150?gclid=Cj0KCQjwn8_mBRCLARIsAKxi0GLyU-LoFz8fThMcJ3Isrv_X7HIzHMMIxgakoTuDuEGpzDuG4X1mmLUa ArKIEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

My dress sleeves are long so my nails won't really be noticed but it makes me feel better knowing that they're tidy

[Paula]

That’s pretty

[Jaquaia]

I don't tend to do bright colours and that is very subtle. Plus it gave me something to distract with this afternoon and a bit of pampering never hurt

[Suzi]

It does look really pretty!

[Jaquaia]

I got my grade back for my last assignment and I'm actually a little disappointed. 79. I know it's still a good grade and my tutor commented in my feedback that my work is at a consistently high standard but still think I could have done better.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, don't be disappointed as that's awesome!

Have fun this weekend love... .

[Flo]

79% is fantastic Jaq. I bet if it had been 80% - one percent more - that you'd have been more pleased. You're doing amazingly well considering what you've got on your plate at the moment! (clap)

[Mira]

I can only tip my hat. I agree its a good result. And you are giving a solid performance. I wanted to stop by just now and wish you a great weekend. I hope you have fun.

[Paula]

When are you leaving?

[Allalone]

Have a fab weekend Jaq!xxx

[Jaquaia]

We're in Altrincham!!! Well, at the railway station. Someone helped plan the resignalling and wanted a look

[Suzi]

Hope you have the best weekend!

[Paula]

Have a wonderful time (party)

[Angie]

Have a great weekend hunni and please say hi to my home town for me as I miss it alot

[EJ]

Home to the vegetarian society. I hope you enjoy your holiday x

[Suzi]

Hope you've had a wonderful time!

[OldMike]

Jaq have a great time.

[Jaquaia]

Talk about back to earth with a bump. My sister, brother-in-law and niece came for dinner yesterday and had to sit and listen to a conversation between my mum and sister about pregnancy, she barely said a word to me, and today I've done all the washing.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni....

[Jaquaia]

It was funny when Scarlett decided she was going to feed me my dinner...

[Suzi]

Lol! Sounds like fun!

[Jaquaia]

It was. I just felt uncomfortable as my sister has a knack of making me feel unwelcome

[Paula]

It was funny when Scarlett decided she was going to feed me my dinner...

Oh bless her, I love that age :)

[Jaquaia]

I caught her pulling Talia's fur so told her off. She then spent the next 5 minutes chasing her around to give her kisses to say sorry (giggle)

[Suzi]

Aww! Magical age!

[Paula]

Hey, you’re quiet, what’s up?

[Jaquaia]

I was with J all day yesterday. We went out for lunch, had a look at a second hand bookshop in the market place and watched GoT after his counselling session. Today I'm going for lunch with my best friend. Haven't seen him in person since we were both 21 so looking forward to that!

Other then that, I'm tired and it gets harder and harder to say goodbye to J. Needs must at the moment but it's hard.

[Suzi]

Glad you spent the whole day. I wish you didn't have to say goodbye each time.

Hope you're having fun!

[Jaquaia]

I'd forgotten just how loud he could be in person! Still, he brought books so I'll forgive him (giggle)

I'm all peopled out now so resting. Trying to decide between Mr Darcy on a page and Mr Darcy on screen...

[Suzi]

Depends... How much do you want to shut out the rest of the world?

[Jaquaia]

I've gone for the book as it was still in my bag from yesterday and finding the dvd feels like too much effort

[Suzi]

I can understand that! :)

[magie06]

You've been quiet. How are you?

[Jaquaia]

Honestly? I'm struggling. I've tried to ignore it as I'm not suicidal and I haven't felt like self-harming, but I'm struggling. I feel so numb and empty a lot of the time lately, incredibly lethargic. It's rare I'm asleep much past 7 and I'm often awake during the night, I'm struggling to focus on anything, and for the last few days I've been back on the propranolol as I'm highly agitated and anxious. I'm really irritable, hating being around the vast majority of people, and even being spoken to is a struggle most days. And to top that off, I had a bit of a moment today. Apart from being very insecure, we went for lunch in town and J pulled someone up who pushed in front of me at the cash machine. The guy reacted pretty aggressively and it triggered me massively as it reminded me of dickhead. I was almost in tears in the street, struggled to speak, and it took me an age to make eye contact with J again. He said my reaction surprised him.

So it's been fun...

[Suzi]

Oh hunni! (panda)(bear)(panda)
Do you know where it's come from? Is the propranolol helping?

[Jaquaia]

I don't. The propranolol is helping a bit but still agitated. It took ages to get to sleep last night as my mind was racing.

[Suzi]

Oh I'm sorry love... Do you need to be keeping a mood diary? Getting an appointment to seeing someone?

[Jaquaia]

It might be worth keeping a mood diary. Not looking forward to seeing someone as it will be a re-referral and I'll probably be blocked by the CPN's who do the assessments. I'm on the max dose of vortioxetine so it's not like my GP can just increase it.

[SA89]

Honestly? I'm struggling. I've tried to ignore it as I'm not suicidal and I haven't felt like self-harming, but I'm struggling. I feel so numb and empty a lot of the time lately, incredibly lethargic. It's rare I'm asleep much past 7 and I'm often awake during the night, I'm struggling to focus on anything, and for the last few days I've been back on the propranolol as I'm highly agitated and anxious. I'm really irritable, hating being around the vast majority of people, and even being spoken to is a struggle most days. And to top that off, I had a bit of a moment today. Apart from being very insecure, we went for lunch in town and J pulled someone up who pushed in front of me at the cash machine. The guy reacted pretty aggressively and it triggered me massively as it reminded me of dickhead. I was almost in tears in the street, struggled to speak, and it took me an age to make eye contact with J again. He said my reaction surprised him.

So it's been fun...
Hey Jacquaia, I can relate to feelin highly irritable as I live with a controlling obnoxious brother who disrespects everyone. Everyday I feel very agitated which I think is very common with us depression sufferers. I've felt empty for so long now that I've forgotten how to "feel" anymore. The only emotions I seem to have access to is sadness & crying. People take their wellbeing for granted, if only they could spend a week in our shoes who are on this forum. People who don't deal with depression get sad from break ups or whatever which is trivial by comparison.

Even any grief they suffer is nothing compared to this mental imbalance we have. It may not feel like it, but we're all fighters on here. The strength to keep goin despite our distorted minds is more than anyone gives us credit for. Society will always have a stigma because people are (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)in ignorant yet we're stronger than they'll ever be because we're living under a form of torture. That guy is a scumbag for pushing in front of u btw, he doesn't deserve ur breath :x.

[Jaquaia]

Having depression does not make us that different from anyone else, it just makes us ill. Just because we suffer from a mental illness doesn't make anyone elses suffering "trivial", having a mental illness doesn't make our suffering any greater than anyone elses. Suzi for example, has often said on here that she doesn't have depression, yet she has many physical illnesses that she battles. She deals with chronic pain every single day and I have so much admiration and respect for how she just gets on with things. She is one of the strongest women I know and I'm honoured to call her my friend. Having depression DOES make us strong, but it doesn't mean that others can't be as strong as us. I have some amazingly supportive friends who haven't suffered with depression and frequently tell me how proud they are of me for how I fight. Actually engaging in treatment can give you coping strategies that can help you manage your illness.

Most of what you've just said comes across as quite judgemental.

[SA89]

I probably should have worded that better. My point was regarding the stigma which is prevelent in society. I was only tryin to give u some encouragement because I can empathise from my own experience. but you've not even acknowledged that so I don't why I bothered (think).

[Jaquaia]

I didn't find anything that you said encouraging. I found it judgemental. The only bit I found empathetic was the bit were you said you can relate to feeling highly irritable and anxious. Empathy literally means the ability to understand and share the feelings of others yet the rest of your post was just judgements on those who don't have a mental illness. That's not empathetic. Empathy isn't judging people because they haven't faced the same challenges as you. So please explain why I would thank you for a post that several times said that people without depression don't suffer anywhere near as much as those with depression? Suffering is a very individual thing, people experience things in different ways and you don't get to decide whose experiences are trivial/greater based on whether they have a mental illness or not.

It's been pointed out to you before that you maybe need to think about what you've written before you press post.

[SA89]

Well you'll be glad to know I won't bother anymore as ur reaction has really put me off. I thought of commenting because I felt it was only fair after u posted on my thread. I'm aware that people also have issues, my point was how some people trivialise stuff like a break up & broadcast it on facebook for instance as if that's comparable to actual depression sufferers.

You're response was just as rude tbh but that'll probably get overlooked & I'll recieve a warning for simply tryin to offer words of encouragement. Tired of being misunderstood, get enough of it at home from people who don't understand why I'm such a worrier :x..

[SA89]

I sent u this apology in a private message but ur messages have exceeded so I'll copy it here instead:

"Hey, I apologise for soundin judgemental to non depression sufferers, I shouldn't have generalised like that. My intention was not that at all but unfortunately typing doesn't convey body language. I hope we can draw a line under it as I appreciate ur comments on my thread. I was just tryin to reciprocate ur sentiments & offer a constructive comment but obviously it went down as well as a bag of cold sick! (blush).

Ur response hurt caus anyone who knows me know I've always been very respectful which is is contrast to a controlling brother I live with. I speak my mind maybe too much at times but my heart is always in the right place I guess I just wish there was more support for mental heakth & less stigma. Anyway hope u read this & we can draw a line under it :)".

[Jaquaia]

Suffering is personal and individual. Even depression is personal and individual. The end of a relationship can cause feelings of grief which are just as valid as those depression sufferers feel. Also, I never said you were rude, I said parts of your post came across as judgemental and lacking in empathy. We have people on here who sign up because they're struggling to deal with loved ones who are struggling to deal with their mental health. How will they feel seeing your comments stating that their suffering is trivial in comparison? That they aren't suffering anywhere near as much? So yes, I'm going to remind you of one of the forum rules;


Be nice to all DWDers.(swear)The prime aim is to help provide a safe place to talk and gain peer to peer support. If you don’t like someone, their situation, their question or feel they’re intruding on ‘your thread’ then please talk to a moderator (names in green or blue) or admin (names in red). Please be polite to each other. DWD Mods and Admin do not tolerate anything which can be offensive to them or to anyone else.

You don't offer encouragement by denigrating others. There's enough of that in the world already, we don't want that here. We don't accept people saying they have it worse because as I've said, suffering is individual, subjective and very personal. If something affects someone, it's just as relevant as the demons we often battle. Encouragement is reminding someone that they've got this, that they're strong because they fight every day, that getting up and showering that day is huge and they've done brilliantly.

[SA89]

Understood, please read my message above that I initially sent to you in a private message. Lets just draw a line under it (think)

[Jaquaia]

We cross posted.


I sent u this apology in a private message but ur messages have exceeded so I'll copy it here instead:

"Hey, I apologise for soundin judgemental to non depression sufferers, I shouldn't have generalised like that. My intention was not that at all but unfortunately typing doesn't convey body language. I hope we can draw a line under it as I appreciate ur comments on my thread. I was just tryin to reciprocate ur sentiments & offer a constructive comment but obviously it went down as well as a bag of cold sick! (blush).

Ur response hurt caus anyone who knows me know I've always been very respectful which is is contrast to a controlling brother I live with. I speak my mind maybe too much at times but my heart is always in the right place I guess I just wish there was more support for mental heakth & less stigma. Anyway hope u read this & we can draw a line under it :)".

Take a step back. Can you see how your initial response was not respectful to those who are lucky enough to nit suffer from poor mental health? How this was rude and not respectful?

but you've not even acknowledged that so I don't why I bothered(swear).

The negative with communicating via text is, as you said, we can't see body language, that's why we need to put so much more thought into what we post. Believe me, there have been times that I have wanted to have a massive rant at things that have been posted on here, I've often typed rants out, but I've learned to take a deep breath, take a step back, and give myself chance to calm down and think rationally before I hit the post button. Often, re-reading things before we send it can help us pick up on things that may not come across how we intend. It's advice we've often given to members.

It takes courage to apologise publicly and it's very much appreciated:)

Line drawn!

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you today?
Could you get re-referred to the same nurse prescriber?

[Jaquaia]

I'm exhausted. I was still awake at 3...

How I understand it is it would be a normal referral and would go through an assessment with the CPN first and in my experience, they're awful.

It's possible I'm just feeling overwhelmed at the moment, what with uni, worry about my dad and my mum not listening to her meds routine. And now they want her to start reducing her shortec before they even attempt a nerve block, they've suggested no alternative and the gps have given the reduction to the pharmacist who cocked up her decrease last time.

[Suzi]

Can you not call the nurse prescriber direct to see if they can help?

[Jaquaia]

I've been discharged so no longer on their books. I promise I will keep a record and go and see my gp if things don't improve.

[Paula]

Jaq, you’re an incredible woman and I’m honoured to know you and be your friend :)

[Jaquaia]

That brought tears to my eyes. I think exactly the same about you.

[magie06]

Oh Jaq, you go through so much and offer such kind words whenever you can. You are a powerful woman and I really admire you for who you are. Thanks for being you! (inlove)

[Jaquaia]

That's such a lovely thing to say!!!

[Mira]

Yes it is lovely and all so true. I agree with the others wholehearted.

[Jaquaia]

Finally managed a shower... is it bedtime yet???

[Mira]

Ofcourse. Its where I am at the moment.

[Jaquaia]

I have a date with Kelly Jones tonight (in my head anyway (inlove)) so it will be another late night but so worth it! Staying at J's too so I know I'll sleep better as I always do with him

[Mira]

That sounds like a great evening. Enjoy :)

[Suzi]

I also feel really honoured to know you and privileged to call you a friend. I think you are far stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for and you are an intelligent, kind, funny and powerful woman. I agree with the others, I'm so glad that I've had the chance to get to know you.

[Jaquaia]

You're all going to make me cry! I've never thought that I'm anything special, I just try and be the best person I can be.

[magie06]

And you are winning at that by miles and miles! You are so special just by being you.

[Jaquaia]

My anxiety levels are steadily climbing. I'm hot, the Stereophonics have sold out so there will be a good 3000 people there tonight, and I've resorted to taking propranolol again. You never know, maybe when I complete my training I will be able to reprogram my own head!

[Paula]

Hunni, I’d be just as anxious in that situation. But once you get there I know you’re going to have an incredible time!

[Suzi]

You're all going to make me cry! I've never thought that I'm anything special, I just try and be the best person I can be.
And that's all anyone can ask of you! And yes, you are very special!

Hope you're having a brilliant time!

[Paula]

How are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

Brilliant gig last night! Stereophonics are always awesome. Had a huge wobble today and frustrated the hell out of J because I wouldn't talk about it and kept insisting I was ok. The Bluetones were absolutely immense tonight and there were only a couple of hundred there so it was quite an intimate gig. Can't wait to see them in York in 2 weeks

[Mira]

So glad you enjoyed the gig :)
On to the next one.

[OldMike]

I could tell from Facebook you had a brilliant time (party)

[Suzi]

Brilliant gig last night! Stereophonics are always awesome. Had a huge wobble today and frustrated the hell out of J because I wouldn't talk about it and kept insisting I was ok. The Bluetones were absolutely immense tonight and there were only a couple of hundred there so it was quite an intimate gig. Can't wait to see them in York in 2 weeks

So glad you've had a couple of good gigs!
Want to talk about the wobble?

[Jaquaia]

I was feeling very insecure and then I saw a family photo pinned to the fridge which made me feel a bit.... meh... I know he has a history and I would never dream of asking him to ignore that history so I thought it was my issue to deal with, I just didn't deal with it very well. It turns out that he had taken it down but A had put it back up. It's just something I need to learn how to deal with. Maybe it will be easier when we can go public, though meeting his friend Sam has made me feel better.

[Mira]

I am almost certain that it will get better when you go public. But it can be stinging a bit if they still do all those family things together as you said some time ago.

[Paula]

You can accept he has a history at the same time as it hurts - the two aren’t mutually exclusive. But you’re wrong, it’s not just your issue to deal with. As a couple, it’s for both of you to deal with and it’s important he knows when you’re hurting so you can work through it together, as a partnership

[Jaquaia]

I am almost certain that it will get better when you go public. But it can be stinging a bit if they still do all those family things together as you said some time ago.

The photo was an old one


You can accept he has a history at the same time as it hurts - the two aren’t mutually exclusive. But you’re wrong, it’s not just your issue to deal with. As a couple, it’s for both of you to deal with and it’s important he knows when you’re hurting so you can work through it together, as a partnership

He said pretty much the same, he'll be even more smug when I show him your reply...

I sometimes forget just how well he can read me.

He took me to meet his friend Sam yesterday and I thought he was lovely. I felt pretty comfortable around him

[Suzi]

If he didn't value your relationship then you wouldn't have been introduced to his best friend. It's going to hurt with things like that right in your face, but he and Paula are right. It's not "your problem" to deal with. If you are both serious about each other then you have to talk about these things and deal with them head on together. If you hide this away, he'll feel he has to hide other things away and you'll end up in a mess. Seriously, you love him so talk to him!

[Jaquaia]

I know! I know you're all right.

One thing I noticed last night... last year when we saw The Bluetones, I struggled to walk any great distance without a lot of pain in my lower back and I struggled to stand up all night as it hurt so much. This year, I only had some pain in my hip, my back was pretty much ok, I sat down for 1 song and the rest of the time I was stood up, and even bopping away! I'm even walking further with very little pain in my back when I'm out with J. He's been very good for my physical health too :)

[magie06]

That's such good news. I'm not sure of the statics on back pain, but for every pound weight you lose, it's four pounds of pressure off your knees.
From what you've said the weight loss has helped your back too.

[Jaquaia]

Wow!! I never knew that! I've lost just short of 42lbs so far.

[Paula]

And you should be so proud of yourself!

[Suzi]

Wow go you! :)

[Jaquaia]

I am a little, but as usual for me, I think I can do better

[Flo]

Wow Jaq 42lbs is some going!! Fantastic. I know I go on a bit sometimes but I have probs with my knees if I gain too much weight and it flipping hurts! Even a few pounds helps...so you've lost 21 bags of sugar!!! Look at it like that and it's amazing! I've been a bit anti-social lately and not been on here as much as I should. Do I take it that J has his own place now? (save me going through pages of posts) That's great! Oh, and while I'm here. Think of this: If J hadn't had a family and a history then you wouldn't be with him. It's all of the events in both your lives that have led up to what you have today. I found it very difficult when Ian and I were first together. I've realised I'm a jealous bitch! He has a few lady 'friends' and they'd call occasionally on the phone. Photos too of him and them. It took ages for me to get used to and it dragged me down a lot. But one day he said after an argument. "I'm with YOU not them!! Doesn't that tell you something?" They're my friends too now. But I know where you're coming from. Instinct tells you to rip photos off fridges and tear them up and stamp on them. But remember, pieces of paper with faces on are absolutely NO threat to you. It's the pictures of you and him that matter and I bet there's more of those than there is under fridge magnets!

[Jaquaia]

The mortgage offer has been confirmed so it will just be his soon. I think a lot of my problem is we're not public yet, he wants everything sorted legally first so she can't use me as an excuse to be awkward, that and I don't think very much of myself so I'm scared he'll find someone better. Him having female friends doesn't bother me, it's her.

[Paula]

Soooo at what point will you be confident enough to not get upset about the ‘family’ photos? ......

[Jaquaia]

I honestly don't know. But I think not feeling like a secret will be a good start.

[Suzi]

I'm sorry, why aren't you public? Does it really matter if she knows?

[Jaquaia]

I think it's because he doesn't trust her not to be difficult if she finds out he's with me. She's refused to come off the joint account until the money is sorted, she's told him previously that he won't see the children if he's with me, so he wants to get everything legally binding first so she can't throw anymore spanners in the works out of spite. He's telling people about me, apparently he talks about me a lot to his friends, it's just more being discreet. And you know how much I overthink things...

[Suzi]

But how long is that going to take to be legally binding? Surely she can't stop him from seeing the children etc?

[Jaquaia]

Legally no. As soon as the courts have dealt with the deed of separation it's legally binding, then it's just getting the transfer of deeds sorted. It should be a couple of months maximum now, maybe less.

[Suzi]

No way of hurrying the process along?

[Jaquaia]

It's all in the hands of the solicitors now.

[Suzi]

Good! May they hurry the f*** up!

[Jaquaia]

I was so tempted to shock my dad tonight. He's been drinking most of the day again as he's in pain with his stomach (but it's ok as it's only 3 or 4 pints a day :(:) and my mum reminded him that he's at the doctors next week. There was a comment something like if they sent him a text reminder, if he forgot then (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) them and I blurted out that it was a crap attitude to have when he has a granddaughter to watch grow up and another grandchild on the way. His response was he's getting sick of doctors...

Maybe I should have told him that if I'd taken that attitude, he would have only had 2 children to worry about as he would have buried me months ago...

I'm fed up of that attitude, I'm fed up of my mum not listening to her doctors orders and then having to listen to her moaning because her legs are infected again. I'm fed up of being the one everything falls to. I'm fed up that they choose to do the shopping online and then make it a nightmare for me to order. And I'm fed up of being guilt tripped for not baking when I'm prioritising my uni work.

[Paula]

Then tell them, love.