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selena
03-03-19, 10:53 AM
I cannot believe, but came to close one chapter of my sorrow, and open a new thread. I hope that this new stage of my life will be filled with more peace, although struggle sometimes seems to never end.

Paula
03-03-19, 11:00 AM
Love the title!

Mira
03-03-19, 11:13 AM
Great title indeed. And everybody here will have the same hopes for you. More peace and happyness.

OldMike
03-03-19, 11:49 AM
Love that title, onwards and upwards and you'll soon be in Wonderland :)

Suzi
03-03-19, 12:50 PM
I love the title! I also hope that this next chapter is much brighter for you lovely.

Mira
06-03-19, 03:05 PM
How are the days going? I hope less sorrow? Are you ok?

selena
07-03-19, 10:09 PM
Yes, indeed, less. And I've taken a little holiday...until March 18.

Paula
07-03-19, 10:15 PM
(party) what are your plans?

Jaquaia
07-03-19, 10:24 PM
I hope you've planned something lovely, even if it's just rest

Suzi
07-03-19, 10:48 PM
Hoorah!!!

selena
08-03-19, 06:17 PM
I will take some rest for sure.

But I will be anyway busy, should finish some things and have to translate a syllabus.

Otherwise, I'm going to switch off my phone for this period.

Suzi
08-03-19, 07:35 PM
Translating a syllabus sounds hard! Is that for work?

selena
08-03-19, 07:36 PM
Unfortunately yes, but I've taken only a part of it - 27 pages.

Suzi
08-03-19, 07:38 PM
But if it's work why are you planning on doing it whilst you are on holiday?

selena
08-03-19, 07:58 PM
I wanted to refuse, but the customer asked me a lot. So hard situation to decide...
But I will take the pages slowly per day so that I manage to present it within deadlines.

I do really hope for a holiday abroad in June where I will be totally outside my zone...

Suzi
08-03-19, 09:09 PM
Don't spend all your time working please! Maybe plan some day trips near you to places you wouldn't normally go... What about a trip to the theatre or a museum or something?

selena
08-03-19, 09:11 PM
I think it will be possible.

Suzi
08-03-19, 09:16 PM
Make it possible lovely! You can choose what you spend your days doing during the holidays. Go out, go and sit in a coffee shop and watch the people, or read a book or write a book.... The world is your oyster! You can go out there and do anything you want!

Mira
08-03-19, 09:19 PM
Yeah there are lots of great things to do that dont take all your time. You deserve you time.

selena
09-03-19, 04:13 PM
I've come across tv show "My Mad Fat Diary" on E4. Although it is basically for teenagers, but after I watched first series, I actually liked it; probably because it also shows the side of low self-esteem and mental health struggles.

Jaquaia
09-03-19, 05:59 PM
That's a brilliant series!!!!! Awesome soundtrack too. It's based on a true story, the real Rae Earl wrote a book about her mental health struggles in the late 80s and it's based on that.

Suzi
09-03-19, 06:08 PM
Fab!!!

selena
09-03-19, 06:24 PM
Yes indeed. I've accidentally bumped into it, and decided to watch it for unknown reason. Many things are familiar and really worth watching.

Suzi
09-03-19, 10:15 PM
Good! :)

selena
21-03-19, 08:24 PM
I read sometimes members' posts here, just feeling too frustrated and anxious to speak.

It is understandable from one side as I have a lot of work and not much spare time, also still not getting access to free counselling.

Yes, I'm really over tired, but I'm mainly concerned because of my mother's condition, she feels pains in lymph nodes and with cancer, everybody knows where the things can turn...

I haven't received much relax yet, just slept more than usually on holiday.

This constant fear slows me down.

I've been planning a holiday in June, but not sure what can happen in meantime.
There are no exotic vacation offers (promised previously), unclear situation with my dad (not sure of willing to see them) and if I come to UK, it will probably be just a city break.

I mean I will not be able to see someone of you.

Paula
21-03-19, 08:44 PM
Is it worth thinking about paying for counselling?

selena
21-03-19, 08:47 PM
I think I will wait a little and then maybe will pay for some sessions myself.

Paula
21-03-19, 08:55 PM
Why wait? Unless you’re expecting things to move immediately with the free counselling, waiting is only harming you ....

Mira
21-03-19, 09:52 PM
Yes, I agree. Why wait? Its already a shame your vacation is not relaxing. You might go to the UK later? I want to go there too this year if its possible.

Its a shame you feel frustrated and anxious to speak. I am sure I am not the only one here who likes to read what you post and talk.

selena
21-03-19, 09:55 PM
Thank you, Mira and Paula.

Where are you from, Mira?

Mira
21-03-19, 09:58 PM
I am from the Netherlands. So are my siblings and mum. The rest all live in Germany.

Where are you from?

selena
21-03-19, 10:04 PM
Romania and Moldova, citizen of both, currently in Moldova with my mom.

I lived in Latvia too and even planned to remain for some time (my dad is from Latvia), but our family relation is very poor and difficut.

Mira
21-03-19, 10:08 PM
That is such a shame. Even more so when those are the first people to turn to. I had a difficult time with my stepdad.

Those are some amazing countries. I love history and there is a lot there. The languages sounds awesome too. Always wanted to explore more of that part of europe.

Suzi
21-03-19, 11:04 PM
I can't agree strongly enough with the others. I think you should not wait for counselling when you need it now lovely....

selena
22-03-19, 07:46 PM
I'm also feeling so guilty just because I cannot cope with my inability to stand up to depression, feeling so weird cause I'm not like normal average person.

Paula
22-03-19, 10:00 PM
Can’t cope? You’ve gone through serious illness with your mother, suffered a bereavement, kept your home environment going despite being a carer for your mum, dealt with a horrible boss and continue to successfully hold down your job.all that while battling depression? No, you’re not a normal average person - you’re super human!

Suzi
22-03-19, 11:26 PM
I completely agree with Paula! You're amazing!

Flo
23-03-19, 11:16 AM
I'm also feeling so guilty just because I cannot cope with my inability to stand up to depression, feeling so weird cause I'm not like normal average person.

I'll be interested to know what you think a 'normal average person' is, because I haven't come across one yet! You're doing ok, so give yourself a pat on the back and a gold star!!

selena
23-03-19, 10:41 PM
You are right and thank you for support!

I mean in my country depressed and anxious people are still perceived as weak....
Some of the people I know noticed something, but I abstained from explanations as it's hard to describe my feelings to them.

Suzi
23-03-19, 11:24 PM
Selena, you are definitely not weak! You are a very, very strong lady.

OldMike
24-03-19, 01:23 PM
Agreed Selena you're very strong lady coping with depression on a day to day basis requires a great inner strength which goes unseen.

You should be proud with how you cope with life. (panda)

selena
24-03-19, 06:19 PM
I think I survived in great part due to your support too. Because there were many hard moments filled with sorrow.

Mira
24-03-19, 06:21 PM
True, but try not to downplay your own strenght. If that would not be present then the support alone would not be enough. You are strong and the support makes you even stronger.

Mira
26-03-19, 08:02 PM
How are you doing?

selena
26-03-19, 08:28 PM
Thanks, slowly, but it's good that the last week high anxiety slowed down a little.

Mira
26-03-19, 08:39 PM
That is good. And are you doing nice things for yourself to relax a little?

selena
26-03-19, 09:05 PM
Not too much, but I have been today to a nice cosy cafee and had some good time.

Mira
26-03-19, 09:07 PM
Thats nice. Its so important to do things like that. Even more so for people that have depression or mental health issues.

selena
26-03-19, 09:26 PM
I want your opinion on something.

You know, I always appreciate your opinions on no matter what...

Should I feel guilty because I'm unwilling to visit a certain place or someone I share blood ties with?

Mira
26-03-19, 09:39 PM
Do you mean my opinion or from the others?

selena
26-03-19, 09:49 PM
Yours too.

Paula
26-03-19, 09:50 PM
I want your opinion on something.

You know, I always appreciate your opinions on no matter what...

Should I feel guilty because I'm unwilling to visit a certain place or someone I share blood ties with?

Not in the slightest, particularly when that person has not been willing to compromise

Mira
26-03-19, 09:52 PM
Sorry. Double post. Its all in the other one.

Mira
26-03-19, 09:54 PM
Well from reading your posts in the past I see that we both have depression and low self esteem. This sadly males it easier to feel guilty about situations and questions people ask.

But i dont think you should feel guilty at all about those two things. Whatever reasons you may have they are reasons. And they are true to you. I dont think it would be good doing things out of guilt. That will only make things worse.

People like us need to look out for ourselfs a bit more. And there is defenitly no guilt in that.

Suzi
26-03-19, 10:35 PM
Definitely not feel guilty... We've had similar conversations in my house about Marc's Dad and that none of my children want to see him. He doesn't bother with them and is an alcoholic so why should they have to have contact if they aren't going to get anything positive from him? If they change their minds we will always make it happen, but sometimes the kindest thing for you is to not see them and to focus more on your own self care.

Mira
27-03-19, 10:33 PM
How are you feeling? Did the advice people gave here help a little?

selena
29-03-19, 06:12 PM
Of course, it helped a lot (as usually!)!

Suzi
30-03-19, 11:41 AM
How are you lovely?

selena
30-03-19, 07:33 PM
Definitely better, because had a quiter week and a nice week-end with more rest and no extra translations to be done.

Suzi
30-03-19, 10:11 PM
Good, I'm glad!

Mira
02-04-19, 10:35 AM
How are you doing?

selena
02-04-19, 07:31 PM
I'm fine, thanks, or let's say, I'm coping now.

My mother instead has had fever today. Tomorrow she will have an appointment with her doctor at hospital and will pass ultra sound exam.
Still hope nothing serious occurred, 6 months nearly passed since her last surgery.

Mira
02-04-19, 07:35 PM
Thats good to hear, coping is sometimes the best we can do.

I do hope that things for your mum will be good. I know how it feels to worry about a parent feeling unwell.

Suzi
02-04-19, 07:37 PM
(bear) I hope your Mum is OK lovely....

selena
03-04-19, 05:57 PM
I'm very sad about the last news we've got.

When I returned home, I read the medical conclusion (ultra sound scan). It states: "Multiple liver Mts.".
It means this nightmare came back anyway. Although it's logically understandable, as it's continuation of her disease, but it still hurts a lot. I talked to her doctor over phone and he suggested that maybe she can consider chemo therapy.
When he saw her, he mentioned she does not look bad for her condition anyway. But he suggested to take prescription for painkillers, because they might be needed sooner or later.
However, she is in a very good mood and happy, although rejects chemo (as she considers she will slow down fast after this, maybe she is right, as there are people who had harsh side effects and died soon after it). She believes in God and church.

I'm feeling very discouraged, maybe I should consider in a short time working free lance.

Paula
03-04-19, 06:21 PM
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry (panda)

What impact does the doctor think chemo will have? Is he hoping it will get rid of the mets or just slow down their progress?

selena
03-04-19, 06:27 PM
He said all cancer patients are recommended chemo. But, of course, her case is very particular.

She is against, she said she had gone so far through too much pain and it will kill her fast.

Mira
03-04-19, 06:31 PM
I can only imagine how it must hit hard this kind of news. Is there enough support for your mum and for you?

selena
03-04-19, 06:39 PM
Well, here there are no specific programs. However, there is one hospice for last stage cancer patients, financed by foreign organization. But I have hoped not to get on this stage soon.

Jaquaia
03-04-19, 07:03 PM
(panda)

Suzi
03-04-19, 08:22 PM
I'm sorry lovely. If she won't consider chemo what is she prepared to do?
I am concerned that she will only believe in God and the church, reject all scientific help and that she will start saying horrible and unkind things to you again. You don't deserve that...

Flo
04-04-19, 08:52 AM
I hope your mum makes the decision to have more treatment if it's offered. She has nothing to lose. But you make sure to look after yourself too. You're such a supportive daughter and she's so lucky to have you. (panda)

Suzi
04-04-19, 10:46 AM
I But you make sure to look after yourself too. You're such a supportive daughter and she's so lucky to have you. (panda)

I can't agree with this strongly enough.

OldMike
04-04-19, 06:05 PM
(bear) (panda)

selena
04-04-19, 07:55 PM
Thank you everybody for support.

She talked to the oncologist, he is reserved for chemo treatment in her case, as she had three surgeries and her organs underwent resection.

This conclusion of "Multiple Mts" really stands in my mind. Now I think about whether to consider home work for my office. My mind is really troubled now.

Suzi
04-04-19, 09:13 PM
What exactly did the oncologist say? Are there any treatment options or is he saying palliative care only?

selena
04-04-19, 09:22 PM
He did not specify anything concretely, maybe because he is of older generation and we have a few specialists of this profile.

Her surgeon thinks instead she should and can require chemo treatment in connection with Mts.

She found out about possible side effects and does not want any pain because she had already undergone three surgeries and knows that chemo might slow down her health fast.

Suzi
05-04-19, 08:41 AM
But chemo could give her a longer life too?
Obviously she can only be guided by her medical team as to what is the right path for her... Please though, take care of you.

selena
06-04-19, 08:58 PM
Yesterday she had fever, a high temperature, in fact 39.2 C. She took medications and antibiotics prescribed by her doctor. Her condition got better. But tomorrow she wants to go to church and doesn't want to get some more rest home.

She doesn't want to obey and have some rest.

Suzi
06-04-19, 09:05 PM
Thing is, she is an adult and she has to make her own choices. It's hard, but you can't lock her in...

selena
06-04-19, 09:06 PM
Yes, that is true, although hard.

Suzi
07-04-19, 07:45 AM
It IS really hard. I wish there was an easy answer for you....

Paula
07-04-19, 05:02 PM
What did she decide to do?

Sometimes, though, we need to do the things our doctors would like us not to do- the mental encouragement we get from things like going to church and seeing friends can make us feel a lot better than lying in bed can do

selena
07-04-19, 05:49 PM
She thinks if there is not much choice left, Church is her healing anyway.

Well, we have gone to church today together.

I have panic attacks in crowded places (currently the local churches are rather crowded because of Lent period). So I remained closer to the exit, so that I can breathe in some fresh air, but she stayed in a rather crowded place. Although we had some misunderstandings these days, she felt better today.

Suzi
07-04-19, 06:24 PM
Make sure you look after you too please lovely

OldMike
07-04-19, 06:38 PM
(bear) (panda)

Mira
07-04-19, 07:17 PM
These do sound like troubling times. The best thing to do is support your mum as best you can. And I think you are doing that already. One of the best ways to do that though is look after yourself as well.

Mira
10-04-19, 10:02 AM
How are things going for you?

selena
10-04-19, 05:06 PM
I'm not in the best mood now. I have to pretend that everything is ok before others.

My boss has again her crisis. But my mom feels better.

Jaquaia
10-04-19, 05:08 PM
You don't have to pretend here

Mira
10-04-19, 06:04 PM
Good that your mom is feeling better. And Jaquaia is so right. Here you can be yourself. Good mood, thats great. Glad you are ok. Not a good mood, talk about it here (panda)

Suzi
10-04-19, 06:25 PM
What's up with your boss?

selena
12-04-19, 06:33 PM
Like usually, she sucks out everything from the people around.

She calmed down.

I have a question. If my mom is ill, do you think she is right trying not to let me go somewhere?

Mira
12-04-19, 07:05 PM
Hi Selena, I do not know the whole situation. If its going for a night out or going some days?

But I think you do your best to care for your mother. And even with all the care someone can give its important to have moments for yourself. To recharge and give yourself a breather.

Suzi
13-04-19, 07:29 AM
I have to agree with Mira. If you feel that you need a break and she's well enough then there's no reason for you not to go.
Are you planning on going away for a week or a weekend?

OldMike
13-04-19, 09:16 AM
... I have a question. If my mom is ill, do you think she is right trying not to let me go somewhere?

A very difficult question Selena, I can see no reason why you can't have a few days away if your mum seems to be settled, it's your decision in the end. (panda)

Paula
13-04-19, 10:35 AM
Your mum is ill, we all know that and you are her carer - but every carer has the right to have a break, and actually its super important that they have those breaks. Continuous caring with no respite takes its toll and, tbh, will eventually mean the carer can’t continue to carry out that care.

Hunni, you need to ask for help, maybe from the congregation at the church?. The lack of support you have is going to break you

Mira
16-04-19, 12:35 PM
Hi, how are things going for you at the moment?

selena
20-04-19, 06:02 PM
My Mom calmed down and there are not so many disagreements between us.

This week has been tough for me, because I've been feeling very tired and a little bit ill, maybe due to weather, my blood pressure got around 147/87.

I did a translation in the last holiday I had. A colleague told me that I need a vacation without any work, that all illnesses came back and appear due to this.

Jaquaia
20-04-19, 06:23 PM
Your colleague is right. You need time to just rest

Mira
20-04-19, 06:25 PM
Yes I think so too. A little time for yourself where you do something you want to do. But be away from work for a while and just focus on yourself. You more then deserve it Selena.

Suzi
20-04-19, 06:31 PM
Your colleague is completely spot on. You need to rest and be away from all work.

Paula
20-04-19, 06:51 PM
I agree too, when have you had time just for you?

selena
20-04-19, 06:59 PM
In June, the beginning of June, hope everything will be all right by then

Mira
20-04-19, 07:00 PM
Ok thats not to long from now. But please remember to do something just for you. And try not to work then :)

Suzi
20-04-19, 10:07 PM
Are you working at weekends and in the evenings too?

selena
21-04-19, 11:22 AM
This weekend not, but it happens sometimes.

Suzi
21-04-19, 11:47 AM
When was the last time you had a proper break where you weren't working too?

selena
21-04-19, 12:08 PM
Last November, I had a week vacation, but it was after my mom's return from hospital and grandmother's death.

Paula
21-04-19, 07:19 PM
Which wasn’t a break, lovely. Do you think that, if you actually book a holiday now for June, you’d actually go? Because my concern about ‘hoping things will be ok in June’, by the time you get to June something will come up that will stop you going

Mira
21-04-19, 07:24 PM
I agree with Paula. You need to look out for the most inportant person in the world to you. Yourself. Being kind to yourself. Having a vacation and relax. So you are recharged to care for others.

You do deserve it.

selena
21-04-19, 07:30 PM
Today I've been to church with my mom. It's Palm Sunday in the Eastern Orthodox Church.

I've had a break, but still feeling rather low, with vertigo, headaches and numbness.

And thanks, I agree that I should finally have a normal holiday.

Suzi
21-04-19, 07:58 PM
Have you seen the Dr about how you are feeling?

selena
21-04-19, 08:11 PM
Not yet.

I had some problems around 2 months ago, the tests did not show anything suspect, but blood pressure and vertigo still remains a harsh issue...

Suzi
21-04-19, 10:04 PM
Then sweetheart you HAVE to go and get checked out...

Paula
21-04-19, 10:17 PM
^^^wss blood pressure is not something you can ignore (and can cause vertigo)

OldMike
22-04-19, 06:35 PM
Yep Selena high blood pressure and for that matter low blood pressure needs checking out by your doctor (panda)

Mira
22-04-19, 07:16 PM
Ofcourse I agree with the others on this.

selena
25-04-19, 09:16 PM
I'm feeling better, will try to put down more details tomorrow.

Thank you everybody for support.

Suzi
25-04-19, 10:48 PM
Did you go and see your Dr?

Mira
25-04-19, 11:38 PM
Great to hear you are feeling better (bear)

selena
28-04-19, 03:42 PM
Today the Eastern Orthodox Church celebrates Easter, tomorrow we will have a bank holiday too, and later May 1.

Yesterday I stayed at the office up to 5 pm as it's my time to be the service manager. Nearly no people, just translated and then went shopping.

The syllabus I translated in March was appreciated by the customer, she had given it to the native speaker for checkn and he approved.

I'm feeling often on the edge, probably my inner struggle, family circumstances and pressure at work (being the only sworn translator) had had a major impact so far.

Now it's a holiday period, but of course I'm expected to see my doctor again.

Paula
28-04-19, 07:47 PM
Happy Easter, love

Expected why?

selena
28-04-19, 08:50 PM
I want to make the things clear with blood pressure, although I'm fine now.

But it's a holiday period up to May 9 (private health centers have a normal work schedule).

Suzi
28-04-19, 09:50 PM
You really should get things checked over with your blood pressure.

Happy Easter...

selena
29-04-19, 01:33 PM
I'm overwhelmed by a lot of mixed feelings. Now my private plans depend on my mom's condition, because I know that she will omit some things etc in case she feels worse.
On a good note, she is not against the idea of my holiday or city break somewhere in Europe. However, I haven't even booked my flight so far, everything was postponed nearly up to the end because of her fragile condition.

I hope she will be ok and then I can finally head to London for a city break.
Sometimes I'm just generally feeling lost and willing to stay close indoors as I'm far from ideal etc. Also there is a risk of small panic attacks.

But I've always enjoyed the idea of travelling and being naturally curious about seeing new places.

The idea of megapolis scares me to a certain extent. But I'm mostly scared about some technologies. When I was abroad several years ago, I got used to it. Back home, everything became the same: cash instead of contactless, old transport paying system. Because only 20 % use it. No problem for me, just not my ordinary way of life, so afraid of getting lost into the world of technologies and innovations.

Suzi
29-04-19, 01:42 PM
Everyone is so helpful though if you needed help. People are used to being stopped and asked directions or help all the time!

Paula
29-04-19, 05:27 PM
Is there someone who could look after your mum when you go away?

Mira
29-04-19, 06:16 PM
I know the feeling Selena, I love exploring but don't always like to leave my own surroundings. But one thing I have learned on my travels to the UK is that everybody is always helpful and friendly. Even to a point that I don't mind asking for directions or help. And thats something I do not even do around here.

selena
29-04-19, 07:46 PM
Yes, Paula, I could personally ask one of our neigbours. I mean 3-4 days it will probably be fine.

Thanks, Mira, you are right, because our experctations and reality is rather different.

I'm feeling maybe depressed and a little bit trapped, because too many events happened since last year.

Paula
29-04-19, 08:22 PM
Yes, hunni, you’ve had a lot to deal with, and have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. But you’re only trapped if you do nothing to free yourself. A few days away could be the stepping stone to a more exciting and joyful life

Strugglingmum
29-04-19, 08:53 PM
You've had such a hard year. I really hope you take courage and book your flights. You deserve a break and something exciting just for you. Xx

selena
29-04-19, 09:12 PM
Me too, thanks, even for a city break.

Mira
01-05-19, 01:21 PM
Have you looked into it? A city break can be enough to recharge the battery.

selena
01-05-19, 07:33 PM
Yes.

By the way, I liked your way of saying it "recharge the battery".

And my mother will not remain alone for much time, just a few days.

Although, I'm a little bit anxious definitely. Not too bad at planning, but still there are many new things to discover.

Suzi
01-05-19, 09:59 PM
Have you looked at things like tripadvisor? Travel agents? Trivago etc?

selena
02-05-19, 07:16 PM
Yes, I did. It was helpful too.

Paula
02-05-19, 10:01 PM
So. Have you made a decision yet?

selena
03-05-19, 07:28 PM
I can say yes, just should fix some organizational moments.

Paula
03-05-19, 08:56 PM
Good :)

Suzi
03-05-19, 10:34 PM
Well done!

Flo
04-05-19, 09:45 AM
A little holiday will do you the world of good. You might even make new friends. Looking forward to knowing where you're going!

selena
04-05-19, 07:41 PM
Well, not sure about making new friends...But it's a good opportunity and a big challenge to me taking into consideration panic attacks and my anxiety.

But I've always liked the idea of travelling.

It will be a citybreak...and London.

Then some time spent in Transylvania.

I will be happy to see new places viewed from a different angle, with my eyes...and if possible to meet someone from DWD.

Suzi
04-05-19, 09:40 PM
Sounds like a great plan!

Mira
05-05-19, 04:18 PM
Great that you are going. i am sure there is so much to see and experience there. Around what time will you be going? If I may ask?

selena
05-05-19, 04:20 PM
I will book next week.

The beginning of June, around June 4-June 8, I'll write exactly the next week.

I only hope no Force Majeure's , especially my mom's situation.

Suzi
05-05-19, 05:13 PM
How is your Mum?

selena
05-05-19, 05:44 PM
She is now stable for her condition, no fever and no serious pains.

Paula
05-05-19, 06:07 PM
That’s good to hear :)

selena
09-05-19, 02:33 PM
I have found a nice place to stay near Hyde Park. It should be fine, as it is a recommendation of someone who stayed there.

Wizzair Company also seems to be nice, as I was explained many options of changing days and flights in case of my personal circumstances

I'm also anxious because of my mom's anxiety. She is fine about the idea of me visiting any European state. But she started to have nightmares - something with her and me. I know that's stupid and I cannot define myself as superstitious, but this really gets on my nerves.

Suzi
09-05-19, 04:50 PM
Sounds lovely!
Is she really having nightmares or is she trying to make you not go?

Mira
09-05-19, 05:01 PM
My mother told me a while back that she had dreams about stuff happening to me. Not good things either. I think its more about the worries your and my mum have then them being premenisions or anything like that. So i see it as our mums loving us.

I think you are going to a great place and I know you will enjoy it.

selena
09-05-19, 05:26 PM
She had a nightmare. I don't think she is against my European city break.

Maybe this is due to her anxiety like Mira said.

selena
10-05-19, 08:17 PM
I'm petrified of the public transit image. How do you board the bus? What about the metro?


And this little "monster"....Oyster card

Suzi
10-05-19, 09:40 PM
This will help explain the Oyster card: https://visitorshop.tfl.gov.uk/tfl/london-visitor-oyster-card/

The tubes seem scary, but honestly there are always staff around who are always willing to help!
Your main journey will be from the airport to your hotel. Apart from that you are staying in a lovely and central location so please try not to worry!

Mira
10-05-19, 11:39 PM
It is awesome that you are going. And keep posting questions here. Like Suzi there are many that can help you with your questions. And whenever I am in the UK everybody is so so helpful.

selena
11-05-19, 10:07 AM
Thank you, Suzi, for link. It is helpful indeed.

If I've got it right, I can order it now and receive before my arrival to London. 5 pounds is to be returned as it is like a deposit and it I'll get it already charged.

Suzi
11-05-19, 10:23 AM
Yup that's right! :)

Mira
11-05-19, 05:18 PM
You see. You will have a great time and things will be clear long before you go to the UK.

selena
11-05-19, 05:28 PM
Yes.

The Oyster card unfortunately cannot be delivered to my country.

But I found a great information about the payment for transfer from Luton to London and return.

Suzi
11-05-19, 10:01 PM
You can buy one when you get here...

selena
18-05-19, 07:30 PM
Hi to everybody, hoping that anyone enjoys a great holiday.

I have finally booked the main things: flight and hotel. I've certainly thought about a trip to London, but not exactly the way I have done. Everything done in the last moment due to some private circumstances. Now I'm a bit frustrated because it seems to me everything has not been planned well enough, although the other circumstances really stopped it.

I'm also feeling frustrated because in the end I decided to visit London and not to visit my dad. The last visit was rather negative and I just did want to keep my nerves strong this time. I don't know if I should feel guilty.

Suzi
18-05-19, 09:16 PM
No, you shouldn't feel guilty! Have some fun!

Paula
18-05-19, 10:41 PM
Not in the slightest!

Strugglingmum
19-05-19, 01:55 AM
Relax, enjoy your visit and have fun.x

Mira
19-05-19, 08:14 AM
This is what you wanted. You talked about it a lot. And I dont think your father has anything to fo with it. Its a shame yes. But its you time and you are spending it in London.

I am constantly thinking of reasons why I should not go to cambridge. Why I dont deserve it or what I am doing wrong. But its my mind trying to trick me to stay sad and alone. You deserve this trip.

selena
19-05-19, 11:57 AM
Thank you for support everybody. This means a lot to me.
Even my spiritual confessor encouraged my decision.

We have been today to church with my Mom. However, there is sometimes a false unpleasant woman there.
Firstly, she asked my mom my name so that she will pray for me and she is still to discuss me!!!

If she approaches ever my private area, I'll just tell her to leave me in peace.

On our way home, she approached, being behind. There was a young woman in a short (but normally short) skirt. I told my mom that this is what I would like. But this woman from church suddenly interfered and told that wearing shorter skirts is that for those without any belly and until a X age! So if I want to wear it, it means it's incompatible.
I don't see anything wrong, there is nothing vulgar about this piece...Maybe I'm wrong. Is there a certain code in London?

Paula
19-05-19, 01:44 PM
No! In London, anyone can be themselves! Wear whatever makes you feel good about yourself :)

OldMike
19-05-19, 02:35 PM
Wear whatever you feel like Selena, you'll look beautiful no matter what you wear.

Suzi
19-05-19, 05:59 PM
In London you can be you. There are so many different people from different backgrounds and who wear different things - the burka through to just underpants! Wear what you want, be who you want to be!

Mira
21-05-19, 05:43 PM
Are you feeling a bit better about things now? This trip is something to look forward to. And the big advantage of going to a big city like London is that there is a place for everybody and every flavour. So no matter how you go you will fit in (y)

selena
21-05-19, 07:01 PM
It is a little bit easier although I'm still trying to build up a kind of scheme or a map in my mind.

Suzi
21-05-19, 09:41 PM
There are maps and friendly people to ask all over the place!

Paula
22-05-19, 10:56 AM
Just list what you want to see/do and go from there :)

magie06
22-05-19, 11:33 AM
Just a suggestion, have you considered going on one of the London tour bus trips. They tour the tourist sites and it may help you to get your bearings. You can get a few different types of tickets, and can get on and off as you please.

selena
22-05-19, 08:57 PM
Thank you for suggestions and I've already started to draw up my list.

Suzi
22-05-19, 09:02 PM
Hooray! What things are on your list?

selena
22-05-19, 09:06 PM
Westminister Abbey, Tower, Hyde Park, Little Venice...Buckingam Palace.
Maybe some other churches and bookstores.

In fact, a plenty of places but a short time.

Mira
22-05-19, 09:48 PM
Well at least London is known for those places so getting there will be easy. And having plenty places on your list will keep you going and thats great too. I know you will have a great time.

magie06
22-05-19, 10:41 PM
Have you your tickets booked? Hotel room?

Suzi
23-05-19, 07:57 AM
Lots of those are walkable to ;)

selena
23-05-19, 07:31 PM
Yes, magie, everything already booked and I'm delighted of course.

Everything was done in the last minute and I'm really thrilled.

I was searching for a hotel with a private room and bathroom (or shower). Regardless how small it can be. An ex-colleague also recommended something.
I cannot imagine myself in a hostel ...But there are some not so nice reviews, although I'll bring my towels and private staff and all this just for a few days.

Mira, thanks for being so sure. Do you also live in megapolis area?

selena
25-05-19, 09:28 PM
There is some good and not so good news either.

So negative first...
As you know, I have a rather stressful job with a lot of duties and translations.

My mother today has been very anxious and nervous, blaming me for some minor things. It seems to me she even lost some weight. Then she told me she will anyway die soon and everybody will be happy. She has refused to receive professional psychological assistance. I understand her condition, but blaming me for not telling her some minor details. Sometimes I cannot even recognize the woman she had been once.

She is very obtsinate and it is really hard to cope with her current condition. I don't know how talking to her in these moments, I confessed this even to her.
Maybe I am really not so exactly good and caring daughter. And she raised me by herself and was the one and only who insured my financial support. But I'm struggling myself with hard suicidal thoughts, I don't know how to behave so that she understands.

I bought today two nice skirts, for me and for her. She told me the one does not suit me (meant for her) and this is not for her (although it suits her) due to age, and that I should have bought to her something different.

Maybe she is afraid of losing me. She told me this evening that what if I find a man to start my life with and this man will hate her because I will spend my money to feed her and insure appropriate assistance. I told her she is my Mom and no man can dictate to me how I should spend my money, especially the money spent on my mom, cat etc.

selena
25-05-19, 09:43 PM
Yes, she is definitely my mentor, I love her and I'm really grateful to her for many things.

I cannot believe myself the reality I'm living in...I pray that she lives more and that there is a miracle from God. Sometimes I really have episodes of coughing & suffocating. I guess all this comes from inner anxiety.

At the end of the day, she recognized that it is difficult for her to accept this reality too.

Suzi
25-05-19, 10:44 PM
Is she getting worse as your holiday gets closer?

Sweetheart if you are having "hard suicidal thoughts" then are you speaking to a counsellor or doctor? If not, why not?

Paula
26-05-19, 12:26 AM
Is your mum seeing her doctor regularly? Have they given her any prognosis? It sounds to me she is afraid and tbh I’m not surprised - I would be too given how ill she’s been and is. But that doesn’t give her the right to take it out on you. And you are wrong. You are a very good and caring daughter and you’ve given up so much to look after her.

Mira
26-05-19, 02:35 AM
Its easy to be sure Selena. Because I know for a fact you are going to love the trip. I dont know what you mean by megapolis area. But I live in a small village in the south west of the Netherlands.

It seems to me these are uncertain times for your mother. And like Paula said it seems she is afraid. I would be too. But is she being fair towards you? Or is she lashing out at times?

From what I have read you are trying your best all the time. Even while you yourself are not feeling that well. So please dont doubt how you are doing as a daughter. You can be proud of how you are dealing with all of this.

And the relationship part. I can not speak for all men but I believe that when you find mister right there is no worry about taking anything away from your mother. When I look at my mum who means the world to me. Nobody can change that. So when you meet him your mother will have another person that cares about her.

Please take care of yourself too. If you are feeling that way then caring for yourself is even more important.

selena
26-05-19, 11:15 AM
Yes, she is a bit worse (more emotionally, but it can have mmediate physical impact).

I'm coping less with these thoughts....and mental care here is really poor, I will probably have to think about an appointment with a private specialist.

There is some simple treatment prescribed. But no real oncology specialists here, I mean not trained enough for prescribing the appropriate treatment. Although I'm a member of different groups related to this cancer patients and their family members and I'm trying to keep up to date with the most recent information. She has Mts, but generally feels fine for her condition.

She apologized to me today and told me that is probably her reaction to possible worse changes, pointing out that she is happy for me to have a holiday.

Suzi
26-05-19, 12:33 PM
I thought you were already seeing a counsellor?
What kind of treatment do you think they aren't able to prescribe for her?

selena
26-05-19, 12:51 PM
Yes, but more sessions have a tax, so I'll either wait a little more or start private sessions.

There is only one very old specialist in this field and he told my Mom he doesn't know what to prescribe to her. If she wants some advice, we can ask abroad or whenever we want.
Her surgeon (not chemo therapist) had done a lot for her, saved her life three times, gave some general treatment prescriptions and that's all.

Suzi
26-05-19, 07:44 PM
Sorry things are all so complicated....

selena
26-05-19, 08:31 PM
She is fine today and I hope this lasts.

Suzi
26-05-19, 09:51 PM
I hope so too!

Paula
27-05-19, 09:25 AM
One day at a time (bear)

selena
01-06-19, 07:55 PM
I have enjoyed today some nice time in the park.

It was a sunny day after the rain. Finally in vacation!!!

selena
01-06-19, 07:59 PM
My only concern is my mother. She is more or less fine now and my journey will be short.

Suzi
01-06-19, 08:37 PM
Hooray for holiday!

Mira
02-06-19, 11:49 AM
I know your mother is on your mind a lot. But its almost time for your visit to London. When you are there and your mum is ok then make it all about you. Because thats what its about. Try not to stress about having to see a lot of places or doing everything.

Just breath in the air. Enjoy the days and have fun :)

Paula
02-06-19, 11:49 AM
My only concern is my mother. She is more or less fine now and my journey will be short.

She’ll be fine, hunni, and you’re only a short plane hop away if you need to get home (which you won’t). Have fun!

Mira
04-06-19, 11:33 AM
How is everything going for your trip? And when are you leaving? So exited :)

selena
04-06-19, 01:18 PM
It remains a day and a half or something around.
I managed to terminate all my translations on Sunday. So I'm finally free! I have been in my local park too.
https://www.instagram.com/anastasia.iacovleva/

But of course there are still a plenty of things to do, to properly pack and not to forget something I might need.
I'm trying to play in my mind the map of my route again and again.

My mom had some fever yesterday. Today she is fine. And I prohibited her to do some extra activities now that I'm home, cause I don't want any problems before my departure.

My flight is on 6th.

Mira
04-06-19, 09:19 PM
So thats not to far away anymore. Its so good to see you go on a vacation just for you. You derserve it.

That park looks awesome. Wish we had a park like that around here.

Paula
04-06-19, 09:58 PM
I’m so excited for you :)

selena
05-06-19, 12:11 AM
Thank you everybody for your support.

I'm a bit anxious, but willing to discover a new city too.

Mira
05-06-19, 01:54 PM
And willing to discover a new city wil get stronger and stronger. It will happen on the plane and then the fun begins :)

Suzi
05-06-19, 04:33 PM
You're going to have a great time!

selena
09-06-19, 05:00 PM
Hi, just wanted to write I'm fine and my trip to London was more than a success, a lot of positive impressions in fac

Jaquaia
09-06-19, 05:05 PM
Seen some of your photos. So glad you've had a wonderful time!

OldMike
09-06-19, 05:14 PM
Saw your pics on Facebook, I'm glad you had a great time.

Paula
09-06-19, 05:47 PM
Hi Hunni, your photos look great! Glad you had fun :)

Suzi
09-06-19, 07:28 PM
Your photos are amazing!

Mira
11-06-19, 02:27 PM
I am not on facebook. But I am so curious how your trip was. Your thread is called on your way to wonderland. Was it wonderland?

Want to share with us how it was?

selena
11-06-19, 02:33 PM
Mira, it was a safe and successful trip. Actually more amazing experience than I expected it to be in such a short period.

Sure, I'm going to put down here my impressions in a more concise way, a kind of report.

For pics, I posted some on my instagram link too (above).

Mira
11-06-19, 02:40 PM
That does sound lovely Selena. And it gives me a smile. In all honousty I do not know anybody who deserved this more.

Mira
11-06-19, 02:43 PM
Just saw the pictures. Lovely typical English weather :)

But awesome. And I remember you talking about clothing before your trip. But from those pictures I can, say you dressed great.

selena
11-06-19, 06:55 PM
My Impressions on London Visit

Arrival.
So I’ve got in time to the airport and was perfectly on time to my flight. The only inconvenience was passing through a zone of turbulence, because I got a bad headache until the end of that day. Otherwise, it was nice to see the images from the plane height of crossing the ocean and getting to the island.
The plane took off a bit late. It was not too difficult to pass through the Luton Airport. I headed to the bus station, but there was a little bit messy there – many people expecting to take the bus. But it was anyway quickly sorted out and I got on the bus and got off at the Marble Arch (as I remembered being the closest to my hotel).
It was a perfectly nice sunny day (although colder than in my location). I got to the station and bought the oyster card, having been accurately explained everything. I asked for directions as no Wi Fi nearby to have access to google maps, people told me that I have to walk a lot. But I enjoyed this experience. I finally reached St.Mary’s Hospital in Paddington area and then my hotel. Sincerely, the hotel’s room proved to be better in comparison with the reviews I had read prior to my visit. For me, it was very important to have my private space, I could not have imagined being in a shared room, even with a shared bathroom, it would have been really hard for me.
A dwd member from London came in the evening to meet me and having prepared an adapter for my phone, it was unexpected but nice. It was a very nice and emotional meeting. I had scheduled some activities for that day, but unfortunately my head was exploding and I had to take some painkillers. More remarks: the salads from Tesco are healthier than those in my country’s big food stores and strawberries especially delicious.
I was so excited and happy that barely closed an eye that night. The only minus was the tube sounds even at night, but I adjusted to it.
The Day Two.
I got up rather early, still adjusted to my local time. It was colder and started to rain. I had just one full day before me so I knew that I should get to as many places as I could. Firstly, I headed to the Tower Bridge on the bus and managed to took some photos. I got back on the bus and took a cup of coffee, then headed again to the center – this time into the direction of Hyde Park Corner. In this way, reached Buckingham Palace. There had been enough tourists in spite of the rain. I had some nice time around, having walked a little in the park. I asked for Westminster Abbey direction to a local girl, she walked with me nearly up to the location. She asked me where I am from and my visit details, being very nice. Even more tourists gathered at the Westminster Abbey, it was a long queue, and I managed only to have a look from the outside. On my way back, I wanted to visit Westminster Cathedral too, but bumped only into tourists who confused the Abbey and the Cathedral. Then I noticed from my bus’s window the Cathedral and got off. They allow to take pictures. A nice French woman took some photos of mine.
In the evening, I and Rose went to an Italian restaurant not far from my place, her invitation knowing my preference for Italian food. My feet hurt because I have flat feet and should have won both flat shoes and high heels, but no way to combine them.
Each London coin seems to be a piece of History, needed to be separately explored, but for this time was not possible to explore all scheduled places, as A Little Venice which was definitely on my list, without mentioning the museums etc. So that was a big minus of planning nearly in the last minute, not enough time.
The last day
The next day I headed to Victoria Coach Station to get in time to the airport.
A local old man explained me the direction, he had an interesting accent, “bus” being pronounced just like it’s written “bus”.

selena
11-06-19, 06:56 PM
It was Saturday and only later I found out that it was the Queen’s birthday that very day, I noticed Royal Guards on horses from a small window. On the way to the airport, a man got off having realized that he had forgotten his passport at home…
General Remarks
- I really liked the UK weather!!! In my place the Sun burns my skin at once (even my mom noticed I returned paler) and in Latvia it’s too cold.
- The tube – some Londoners suggested it, but I hesitated. Well, going sightseeing is better from the bus anyway. Maybe I will find courage the next time.
- The architecture and city buildings are really original, a combination of modernism and old style.
- The ambiance is free and warm. People are free, it is a melting pot and at the same time sharing similar values. Rather interesting interactions otherwise. The society I think is free of many prejudices and less conservative (generalizing maybe, but in comparison with my country and Latvia).
- I felt as a human being and a woman at the same time. The men have more respect towards the women than in my country, not crossing the personal space, less harassment I guess. I felt free me being me and not psychologically trapped.

Suzi
11-06-19, 07:21 PM
That's so positive! So glad you loved London as much as I do!

Paula
12-06-19, 09:03 AM
I felt free me being me

I LOVE that you felt that way!

selena
14-06-19, 09:36 AM
At the end of my holiday, having analyzed all the aspects of my visit and maybe some of cultural differences, I must admit (although I hate it) that the society I'm living in is still guided by certain stigmas and prejudices.
There are different barriers even on the religious level (although people are not mostly very practicing). For example, living in a partnership without official marriage stamp gives the priest the right to refuse giving Eucharist to that person.

Suzi
14-06-19, 12:22 PM
I think you get things like that all over though. I know some who weren't even allowed in their church because they got married in a registry office.... They were even denied a blessing....

Mira
15-06-19, 05:21 PM
I was born in holland, but since both parents were German I had the German nationality (till I was 11 then became Dutch). In my childhood I was bullied pretty intense about a few things. But mostly for being German. I was called a nazi when I was 4 and people painted swastikas on our shed etc.

This shaped a great deal on how I became me. I feel German and in a lot of ways I resent dutch people. They are known all over the world for there open minded attitute towards others. But thats not true.

So in my own world everything about Germany was great and the dutch way was bad while growing up.

But after going to Germany more and more. I noticed they have there own issues and problems. So sadly every place and country has its strong points and weaker ones.

I remember my ex told me that in Birmingham she loved how everybody interacted with everyone. All flavours of society. But I read papers where they said certain etnicities were struggling because there were not enough of people in there own group to make sure they could all marry within the group.

Sadly every country has its problems. Thats why its good to try and be better. Every time and everywhere.

I hope this is written ok. Feels like I lost my thoughts a few times haha.

Suzi
15-06-19, 05:24 PM
OMG Mira, that's horrible! How could anyone accuse you - one of the most gentle, kind and loving people I've ever met of being something so vile as a nazi????

I think you're right though, every place has it's positives and it's negatives...

selena
15-06-19, 06:43 PM
Yes, Mira, that's kind of bullying is the worst ever. I would have never imagined this to happen in Netherlands. I read about bullying people of different than European races.

As for the UK, actually when people heard I'm from Romania (dual citizenship, although more exactly Moldova, many years ago we were one state), they cannot believe it. They took it as a fact, but someone said not by my looks.

It's good that you identify yourself with a German. Actually, I'm of very different background (although mostly Romanian anyway), so I can sincerely reply that I'm an European as a general concept.

Paula
18-06-19, 10:30 AM
Hi Hunni, how are you doing?

selena
18-06-19, 05:43 PM
I'm more or less fine. A lot of work, but again my boss behaving like a pig, this gets on my nerves.

Paula
18-06-19, 06:01 PM
(panda)

Suzi
18-06-19, 07:53 PM
I thought you were going self employed and not working for her anymore...

Mira
18-06-19, 08:45 PM
You work as a translator? I am sorry I have missed it if you told us already. But I would like to know.

selena
18-06-19, 08:48 PM
Yes, Mira, that's long and a little bit difficult story.

Jaquaia
28-06-19, 10:09 PM
You've been quiet lovely. Are you ok?

selena
29-06-19, 10:20 AM
Thank you for asking. I've been watching some threads, but these 2 weeks after holiday had been rather tough.

My boss was a little bit harsh, but this time at least stopped and did not create a mess.

Suzi
29-06-19, 11:08 AM
Why have they been tough? In what way was your boss harsh?

Jaquaia
29-06-19, 11:10 AM
You can always talk here

selena
29-06-19, 11:29 AM
Working extra hours without being paid for these hours. I refused, she shouted like usually. Now she calmed down.

Paula
29-06-19, 12:24 PM
I thought you were going self employed?

selena
29-06-19, 01:09 PM
I've tried on one of my past holidays, but unfortunately it was not the same amount.

OldMike
29-06-19, 01:53 PM
Selena working for that boss must be terrible you need to get employment elsewhere or set up on your own.

selena
30-06-19, 11:48 AM
Definitely.


But you, a little miracle happened after this trip. I'm not so afraid of men as I'd been.

Suzi
30-06-19, 03:58 PM
That's great, but why were you afraid of men?
It's been great seeing your photos on FB, but maybe you could try not looking so serious all the time? You have such beautiful eyes which sparkle when you smile! :)

selena
30-06-19, 04:08 PM
Well, I've written about harassment from my stepdad and the other cases.

Thank you, yes, not easy, but I'm trying.

Suzi
30-06-19, 04:57 PM
I didn't realise you were afraid of all men though.... I'm sorry.... I promise you that not all men are like those ones.

selena
30-06-19, 05:04 PM
I was afraid of physical harm (either possibility of being beaten or hurt otherwise).

Logically I realized that I'm wrong, but my inner signals stopped all logic thinking.

Paula
30-06-19, 06:43 PM
I’m glad you’ve been able to challenge those thoughts, lovely.

Suzi
30-06-19, 08:37 PM
Well done for working through those thoughts.

selena
02-07-19, 08:22 PM
Question to everybody: what have you done (overcoming experience, conflict solution) if your mother is unwilling to accept your choice of boyfriend/friend?


My mom (although I respect her views) tries to make me closer or to like someone I'm unwilling to be with: "Message him! Phone him!"

If I like somebody, her reaction: "Your choice, personally you know what I think", "Keep in mind he won't be with you, he is searching for another girl", "Why have you chosen him"?

Not big no, but really upsetting. Maybe if I just take someone and he comes at the door like a guest, she will accept him lol. Although she will be polite for sure.

Suzi
02-07-19, 09:03 PM
I'm probably not the best person to ask. My Mum loved one of my ex's, but he wasn't great. She hated the person I was with before Marc - mostly because she wasn't a he and that was against everything my Mum believed in. Then there is Marc. My Mum hated him, she now tolerates him and we've been together for over 20 years!
It's YOUR life lovely. You are the one who has to be happy with the person YOU choose to spend your time with....

Paula
02-07-19, 10:04 PM
Hunni, my mum adored my first husband (and still does) and actually was responsible for us getting together but ultimately we just weren’t right for each other. Your mum obviously loves you and wants you to be happy but, like my mum, she knows you well but she doesn’t know everything about you - so it’s not up to her to choose your life partner.

What to do? Selena, you need to be straight with her. I know you don’t want to upset her but you need to tell her that it’s your choice and she’s hurting you by making those judgements.

Mira
03-07-19, 01:47 PM
I am in no way an expert. My mum so far liked the women in my life. But that was because she wants me to be happy. I do think thats the key in all of this. I remember a sheryl crow lyric. Simply it was just.... If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.

I know a little about how your relationship is with your mum. But maybe its possible to talk to her and tell her that this your journey but having her love and support is valuable?

In the end when you are together with the right man, you have to live with him. Your mum doesnt.

selena
03-07-19, 05:11 PM
All of you have really encouraged me.

In the end, I guess she will accept anyone I'll decide to be with in case of serious turn. Some things simply upset me.