View Full Version : Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*
Yes, he stopped working yesterday and I feel that he is a bit anxious. He recognized this, asked me to stay indoors so much as I can.
More skypping, more....but he has become upset after the last events and I can understand it.
I have feelings for him...he likes me too (I guess so), he is rather calm and generally avoid to show his anxiety.
It is hard on everyone. Upset? Because of the lockdowns?
Yes and I guess the crisis related to this.
Today a friend called me and told that somebody told her that there are thousands of infected people, the numbers are higher and that 3-4 people on one hospital bed. Everyday she does something to get me more into panic, not purposely, she is very much afraid herself.
Hunni, that friend is not being a friend to you ....l
Hunni, you need to ask her to stop telling you this stuff. That is not helpful to anyone and I highly suspect that esp that bit about the hospital beds is complete rubbish.
Yes, I will tell her and I do not know why she is doing this.
The police announced it is fake and the people spreading fake news and creating purposely panic alert will be charged with criminal offences or get fines.
I'm glad that the police are treating it seriously. It's so dangerous.
The number of infected people is increasing in my place too, some people refuse to obbey and get out for a barbecue, the others are in panic.
My online date has supported me with kind words so far. He told me just to stay calm -we will meet especially because we have been communicating pretty long so far and in order to stay calm, I can just imagine we are together.
Is that how he feels too? Are you just in romantic communication with each other?
Yes (actually I cannot guess). Yes and I know it is very stupid, but the idea of being even in a distant couple helps me to overcome anxiety and fears especially being alone in the house during not the best times.
Why do you think that's stupid? I know couples who have met online and are happily married with children... If it's meant to be then it will be....
Yes, simply some people tried to make me think negatively.
By the way, my dad called me and tried to blame that I didn't come earlier and now it's unknown because it will not happen soon for sure!
Oh no :( that’s not fair of him! Could you refuse to take his calls?
Yes, he anywhere has seldom called me. But it got me upset.
I'm not surprised it upset you. It's all he ever seems to do! I really don't think you going to him is a good idea at all!
Today was the day of my expected visit to Paris, so I created a video at night.
Generally, I am fine but of course should go out for shopping and other things basic things. Still in lockdown.
I'm glad you're OK. I hope that you're taking all the right precautions like washing your hands lots!
So sorry you haven't got to go to Paris....
Yes, my skin is already dry and wounded, but I take care each time...and even more...
Can you use moisturiser? I'm having to and I think lots of other people are finding the same..
Yes indeed, the one I have is going to end soon...but this way can help a bit with a dry skin.
I think that's all any of us can do...
I have received a kind of good surprise these days...
My dad sent me some money...first time ever in my life (although it was me who pointed out that I am in a bit tough situation provoked by corona economic crisis).
He said actually it wasn't only him, but a half was donated by his Latvian girlfriend. That her impact was major, as his mom advised him first not to send anything as all institutions (comprising banks) can steal it. He pointed out that they are on lockdown too and that's all for now, anyway I didn't expect anything generally.
That is a good thing! It's about the least he can do after being so horrible to you...
I am very concerned about the situation at work.
She wants us to go back to work. Yes, she got authorization, but I see no reason to work full-day and generally there have not been any translations so far.
But if I did not accept, it is a bit risky now, she can deny any further cooperation. She does not take corona seriously, making jokes on this topic, that this is a season flu and people are cowards. But the number of cases is constantly growing.
Her protections measures for each office (undetermined period):
2 masks with multiple use;
1 pair of gloves for multiple use (never heard before);
gel (1 l).
Stella180
31-03-20, 07:44 PM
Can you not work from home?
I can work from home and actually I have had a very few translations so far. And we are not paid for staying in the offices. She is a very difficult person and with the years she has got even more hard to cope with, for ex.putting her portray in each office etc.
Basically, I have 2 options:
1. To reject this order (nobody can force me), but there is a risk of breaking up any ties;
2. To risk and go there.
I have a reason, having a rather high insulin resistance score (HOMA-IR). She is not right at all.
Stella180
31-03-20, 08:38 PM
You’ve told her this?
Not yet...I am going to, but I am really anxious indeed because I know her, so not expecting much success.
Talk to her, tell her what's going on and see what she says. If you feel that you have no choice but go in then ask for protective clothing, hand sanitiser etc...
Well, on a good side, my boss has given me one more week. It is very hard time indeed for many people, for me it is hard psychologically. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed with painful memories (they might be good ones), related to my mom and grandma. I haven't overcame the tough grief period yet. My dad could behave in the future not exactly good, maybe, but moving to Latvia or at least visiting him now seems a kind of refugee of my despair and suicidal thoughts.
The guy I have been talking to...hasn't replied to me for around 10 days. No, I don't blame him, and unfortunately it is not the first time. He was unwilling maybe to have a LDR, yes, that is his choice. Maybe he is depressed too, he has confessed to me many things and of course trusted me and this will remain between us.
Maybe he hasn't lost anybody and cannot get my grief, but that was not nice of him at all to ignore my messages . He is not guilty I have lost some money, but it is unfair to be a coward.
Glad you've got more time for your boss, but under your lockdown could you go to work anyway?
Sweetheart, it's all still raw for you with grief. You lost your Grandma and your Mum very quickly together. So it's going to take time.
If you want to spend some time with your Dad then please think very carefully about moving with him without at least spending time with him while you still have your home you can return to.....
I'm sorry the guy hasn't replied, but before you judge him harshly, remember you don't know what's going on for him. He might be ill, he might be struggling, he might have friends/family who are ill etc.... What money have you lost? He might not be a coward, it seems a little harsh to judge him like that when you don't know what's going on....
Yes, I can work online from home and I have done a few translations so far. But actually a very few offers...I don't get my boss's conception that the situation is not serious, she is so weird, because nobody expected such a disaster. She received the authorization for the employees for work, if policemen ask.
Regarding my dad, I think you are right and it will be better to spend some time there before taking a final decision.
I mean the money for trip, although I have been lucky not to buy the return ticket and maybe the flight company will return something till the end of this year.
Yes, I know I can judge him harshly, it is such a hard period now and only time will tell.
I’m so sorry this man hasn’t replied, love, but Suzi’s right, you don’t know what situation he’s in. I do hope you hear from him soon
I overcame the panick attacks and partially fears. I have been in the office for 2 weeks, although not too many people around. We have protection measures. The number of translations is slowly increasing day by day. The situation has not improved too much, but people return to work and more will return in the middle of May.
My dad called me again...I don't know, I thought he might be sincere this time, but who knows...
Well done for overcoming the panic attacks lovely. Are you seeing your therapist again? What did your Dad call about?
No, they do not make appointments now.
My Dad just told me he would like to see me when it becomes possible, without loud voice, just normally talking to me.
That’s good to hear, lovely
How are you feeling about your Dad?
I have mixed feelings...
From one side, I want to move there because I liked Latvia (not sure about permanent living and working, but still...) and I have very harsh days here.
But I know him very badly, living with him...not sure.
A friend suggested to visit him again when it becomes possible, talking to him and to see what he will propose.
And even if our connection becomes stronger, I doubt I can say one day that I love him...He is a kind of stranger to me.
I agree with your friend, go and spend a couple of weeks with him and see what things are like. You don't have to move in with him permanently - you could choose to move to Latvia but not with him?
Probably yes, in case I can be financially independent; as for my registration in the capacity of permanent resident based on family reintegration - this is up to him.
But why decide to move permanently if you don't know you'll like it?
I think you’re jumping ahead several stages, lovely. Go and visit him, see if you like the country, the environment and him before even starting to think about whether it could work
I have been back to work for nearly a month soon, the number of translations is slightly increasing. The situation has slightly improved, but not the number of new cases of coronavirus. The most of patients passed it easily. The problem is that a part of the local people think the new virus is just a kind of flu, underestimating the general protection measures.
My local friend has given me a gift - a mask made for me matching with my eyes. She is a seamstress, but after the coronavirus outbreak she had started to make masks: some of them are free of charge - for hospitals, medical staff and patients and some are with a special design for a certain fee.
Generally, I have got calmer, but sometimes I cope with panic attacks.
It's good that cases etc are calming for you. A kind present from your friend, make sure you wash it every day you use it...
Yes, it is designed for multiple use.
Unfortunately, not in the best mood, because still an unpredictable situation.
No flights and travelling till July. Latvia is coping much better, they partially adopted the Swedish model, but with more restrictions. The death rate is rather low but people comply more with the rules.
Are you really that desperate to get out of the country?
Not exactly forever, but willing to get somewhere abroad, to get some relax somewhere far away from the occurred tragedies.
As for final decision, not sure yet...
When were you hoping to go? And where?
I thought of seeing my Dad. It will be better in summer time or September, it is rather cold there in late autumn and winter. But I doubt I can afford this year in this season exactly, there are no direct flghts either and it is hard to make an exact plan by now.
Regarding my lost trip to Paris, the flight company contacted me some time ago and informed that my flight has been rescheduled for November. So I can go for a few days and book direct flight back, if there is no other coronavirus outbreak this year.
I am a bit frustrated as I cannot fix any dates now.
I think everyone is in the same position all over the world. I know lots of my friends have had their holidays cancelled - my own daughter had her residential school trip to Rome cancelled and they can't reschedule.. We were told here not to expect to be going abroad this year...
Yes, there is some hope.
I don't know about Paris, but visit to my Dad with 4 different flights...I can lose more money and he can wait till next year, if I am not ready financially due to the world situation. I think he cannot put the blame on me this time.
Hunni, he shouldn't be blaming you for going anyway! It's your choice!
I haven't written for a while, thank God overcame a rather horrible month of June.
First, my cat fell ill, it is related to renal problems and I have never dealth with it before. So I changed one vet and now the things seem to be finally better.
Then, my boss got very mad again and unwilling to pay people on time. But the other local agencies' situation is even worse. So I kept silence for a while, then told her that I if the situation becomes insupportable psychologically, I will not be able to normally work in such a toxic environment. She replied that it is "shameful for young and pretty women to be depressed". In the end, she agreed that time to make the ambiance easier or maybe she was afraid I will go to my dad (of course she is unaware of the details of my relation with him).
As for my dad, from one side, he understood that the current situation does not depend of me, but, at the same time, he made me feel guilty that I was not able to be there at his 65th birthday. Although he calmed down, our connection is poor and he is callng me less than before and I doubt I will be able to get to his place this year. There are many reasons for this, and no direct flights.
A local friend supported me that time too, although she is mostly with her parents in the south of country. Anyway, she is the only person who knows about my mental struggle without judging or blaming me, here many people cannot grasp the real meaning of mental illnesses.
As to the medication topic, the doctor advised me just to increase the valium dosage in critical periods.
I am also feeling happier because my online boyfriend reconnected with me. He revealed he has also been coping with strong psychological moments since the closure of everything in France, but now the things seem to have got back to normal there. I wondered because he is often smiling, he said that smiling does not mean the lack of any inner mental struggles, it is just his psychological type.
It's good to see you!
Glad that things are better with your cat.
Sorry about your boss, but this is something she does all the time. I'm glad you stood up to her. Are you looking around for alternative employment?
You couldn't get to your Dad's for his birthday because of a global pandemic. He had no right to make you feel guilty! It wasn't exactly something you could control! It shows exactly what kind of person he is....
I'm really glad you've opened up to a friend and finding them supportive and non judgemental. That's so important.
When did you last see your Dr? Are you only taking valium? What dosage are you taking a day?
So glad he was able to reconnect with you - it's difficult to understand why he completely shut off without saying anything to you....
Now nearly 0 alternative jobs or with much less wage, many different agencies generally closed or stopped their activity.
On his birthday day, after we exchanged a few words, he promised to call me back, but no signs yet...
I talked to Dr.by phone or online basis. She advised 10 mg/ 3 times per day, but at the same time asked to slow down or even not taking it at all in some days, if possible. Yes, only this medication.
I didn’t realise you were only taking Valium. I’m afraid I assumed (which I should never do) that you were on anti depressants. Is there a reason why you don’t take ADs? Hunni, having been on Valium long term, I know that in the UK our doctors really don’t like us taking them - they are extremely addictive and usually would only be used for very short term issues
I know, so I guess that is the reason the doctor is afraid of addiction too, asking me not to take it the whole week. Before New Year, the local GP considered additional tests to see, if I can "freely" take ADs.
When I was ready for tests, the pandemic began. The medical centers do not work normally work here (now) due to pandemic, so in case of urgent help, the people are headed to emergency unit or go themselves. My country is still in red zone unfortunately.
Stella180
26-07-20, 05:48 PM
So hang on....you need to be tested to see if you can take ADs but they are happy to dish out Valium like sweeties? That doesn’t make any sense to me.
I’m just surprised, given how long you’ve been struggling with depression, that the local GP is only now considering ADs. Do you know what tests they needed to do?
Not sure, I thought she was thinking of allergies, but she told me it is mainly related to kidney/liver function.
She is not considered too competent anyway, but local specialists generally avoid to prescribe ADs.
Do you know why they try to avoid anti d's?
Not sure, but they said based on my previous liver tests (ultrasound and family history).
Could you try to get back and see them and see if they would consider it rather than valium only which is so addictive.
I’m with Suzi - Valium is not the best option for anybody imho
I have never felt so frustrated in my life.
A year passed since my mom's death, life goes on. Although the pandemic situation is hard in my place, the professional activity had not stopped and even improved.
But I am feeling low and really willing to change location for a while, I cannot even take a holiday to nearby countries.
My Dad has called me these days and yes, he told me he understands my current situation and that is hardly possible to travel anywhere. He had left his part-time job in order to take care of his old mother. His girlfriend is not involved too much. However, he asked me if that is really impossible for me to take a bank loan and leave to the bank my apartment. For this, it is a big NO. Then he told me he expects me next year there and that I will live together with him.
Besides my depression, there are many questions here.
I know Latvia is better than my country in legal and medical systems. But I should start everything really from the beginning. Maybe I am lazy, I don't know, but I don't want to learn one more language and to lose my time. Dating? About the same opportunities as in my country, as most of Latvians had gone abroad in the other European countries.
When I had been unemployed in my country and asked them to remain there (around 7 years ago), they refused not to spend money on me. Each time he calls me, he insists he cares about me and I should live with him. I am not sure at all...if he lived in a country which language I could speak to a certain extent, I would consider this without any hesitations. I am not feeling good here, but my house is my safe place. My mom's friend said that is complicated and it would be nice for him to stay for a while at my place, like on visit or vacation. Because there is a risk I will not be able to live with him there. And sorry for what I am saying, I care a bit about him, but I don't love him.
Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry things are difficult. I have to say that from an outsiders point of view I think moving in with your Dad is a terrible idea....
I’m with Suzi, and I’m especially considered he’s asked you to mortgage your home for his benefit.....
Strugglingmum
26-09-20, 03:52 PM
Selena maybe you need to really think about what you want, instead of being pulled in directions by other people.
Think about where YOU would like to live, what language you would like to be speaking everyday, where would be best for you to find work and where would you have the best chance of living the life you want to live, socially, financially, scenery you want to look at every day etc.
Once you figure out what you want then you know your direction.
Hi, just wanted to say thank you to all members who have supported me so far...actually for long time. I am attached to all of you!!!You have been my rock.
Wishing the best! And sorry if I don't always read and/or reply to your threads!
Feeling guilty, useless, depressed...this often and due to this...
Hunni, it’s a difficult time right now, so it’s bound to hurt. You’re not useless, love....
Hi, I know I am feeling guilty to complaint and to come here with bad news...
Travelling brings me some relief but now it is hardly possible...
I have been working for days and nights the last month and I have achieved a good professional succes and career in my country so far, but I failed in my private life.
Without giving any details and proving myself even more miserable than I am, what had helped some of you recover after a break up?
Strugglingmum
16-10-20, 06:58 PM
Time, a good cry, friends to tell me how wonderful I am and too good for him, a new hobby.
Not being able to travel at the moment is horrible, especially for someone who gets such a buzz from it.
You work so hard and are so clever, I'm glad you have acknowledged your success, be proud of it.... you deserve to be proud of all you have achieved.
You have not failed in your personal life. You have spent the past years looking after your mum through illness, you have been grieving and adjusting to life without this important person in your life..... that is not failing.
You may not have a significant other in your life right now but that is not failing, that is a season of your life which we have all been through.i know the longing of waiting to find the love of your life but enjoy the hobbies you can, enjoy your friends, take time to see the beauty around you.
Being in a relationship does not guarantee happiness or a fairy tale ending, the important thing is to be able to fill your life with the things you enjoy. You are so much more than a relationship Xx
A relationship ending is not failure - it’s just a part of life. Very, very few people get through life without having relationships breaking down. In my case, if I hadn’t have been in my first marriage, I probably wouldn’t have kept in touch with Si all those years, and now I’m married to my soul mate.
And SM is spot on, only time heals
I have had an online boyfriend (NO MORE ONLINE DATING if he is far away).
Our communication has been very good, for nearly a year or so. Once he pointed out that the problem is distance between us. That was back in January. He supported me a lot after my mom's death, having given his warmth. He liked me as a woman too. My mom got to have known him before her death, not in real life, but she gave her blessing. He also has been very much impressed with her life that she had raised me alone...
So I told him I can relocate anywhere, no problem and I like the place he lives (apparently!). I even applied online for an assessment to be registered for Master's degree at the local university there only to be with him...and to my surprise, they replied I can follow Master or Ph.D. studies there!
So, I bought a ticket, but corona changed my plans....The flight in March had been annulled. And I accumulated more debts on lockdown, he got depressed too.
We restarted our communication in summer. It was very beautiful, I mean he is not ideal, but his attitude was not bad at all!
I did not know if I can visit him in autumn, although my flight had been apparently rescheduled.
Then our communication stopped, he hasn't replied to my messages anymore....I accidentally saw his pic with another woman, I've got everything. And I decided to cut everything between us, because he has already blocked me too on one of his accounts, not secretly following him behind other persons....It is a bit more than a week. It is hard, but I decided to leave with my head up and dignity. Although everything is bleeding with sorrow inside of me.
This evening I have broken in tears and called my Dad. Nothing special...
I just told him about my online relationship...briefly. But his reply put me down: "Yep, unpleasant...but...damn...I wanted you to relocate here by my side, staying by my side, not with that man somewhere else. If he returns to you, then I will remain without my daughter with me."
Stella180
16-10-20, 08:01 PM
Selena why would you call your Dad when you are feeling down? It’s obvious he’s only going to make things worse. As for the “relationship”, well that’s not really what it was. You were in love with the idea of being in a relationship, but for that to happen you meet the other person, spend time with them to know that you are compatible. What you had was a pen pal. You got away lightly, imagine you had travelling half way across Europe to be with this man in March? Covid did you a favour. If you want to date you have to get up and go out and meet people. People that live close enough to make spending time together regularly a possibility and get to know them.
Hunni, I know we've talked about all this. I'm glad you're talking here. You might get other opinions which would be great ;)
I don't know, I am feeling very alone now...I cannot even go to Romania for a holiday in mountains because there are many recommendations against it.
And I am feeling like being closed in a trap, my 2 best friends are in the other cities, we can communicate online but obviously less, we cannot go for a walk around.
And maybe I wanted his pity, I wanted his opinion and support of a senior man, a Dad...but I was shocked to hear that he wanted me there by his side first, not thinking about my life.
Selena, over all the years I’ve known you, all you’ve ever really talked about is escaping/moving countries. Maybe the appeal of this man was simply that he gave you the opportunity to leave?
As for your dad, IMO a parent’s role is to ensure their child has the means to make their own life, independent of parents, not to spend their life pandering to mum or dad.
For Paula - no, I liked him as a man and his attitude too. In this case, I think I would be glad just being together with him, regardless of the country.
But hunni, as I've said to you privately, your Dad only ever treats you as if you are his and you have to do as he says or he isn't interested in you, certainly doesn't take an interest in your life or your hopes and dreams.
RE the man in France - hunni, I understand that you had a connection with him, but love did he ever suggest to you that he came to see you, rather than you making the journey to him? I also have to point out that you travelling to see someone in another country is REALLY risky. You do not know that he is who he says he is. It's really easy to be someone you aren't online...... You could be travelling into complete danger.
I have taken a holiday leave scheduled for beginning of November, but my first CBT appointment is scheduled for next week.
I hope it helps.
I'm really glad you're doing this.
Strugglingmum
18-10-20, 04:32 PM
A nice break from work sounds lovely. All the best for starting your cbt.
I have had my first CBT session today. I will have one more this week and then more the upcoming weeks.
I have been emotional and even cried, but she said I am actually not being weak at all, because I managed to stand up before my Dad and boss.
I'm glad she's saying the same as what we have been. Well done lovely. Be kind to you this afternoon.
Hi, just wanted to say I have taken a small holiday and therapy has been going well so far, I talked to my dad and told him what I think....and I have been finally heard, like in case with my boss before!
I was encouraged to write a diary too and I just accepted some harsh things.
Well done talking to your dad, hunni
Strugglingmum
31-10-20, 06:50 PM
Glad you got a holiday and that therapy is going well.
That's brilliant, well done. What kind of harsh things have you accepted?
I accepted the reality, that I have to wait, because I have been struggling with a lot of mood swings and panic attacks. Travelling was an option before, but not now.
Also about my onine friend, I've got that I took too seriously our communication. We have had a connection, but even he mentioned there is a distance between us. So I have got the point about LDR relationships, no more. Actually, he boosted my confidence in positive way more than my dad and other close people, having accepted me as I am and stating I am beautiful, courageous and smart. He messaged me some days ago, I did not reply first, but then I saw his message, he asked me if I am fine and told me to take care of myself, just being polite. I told him I am fine, not to worry too much about me (without mentioning my mental struggle).
Now I am not ready for any relationship, but my psychologist told me I should recover first, because I had had nearly zero counselling after my grandma's and mom's death. And after I could calmly decide anything in any aspects, not only private life, I can decide something and he emphasized that people can be happy either single, either with someone, or either in Europe, Asia etc etc.
Your psychologist sounds very wise. I’m glad they’re helping you see things differently
Strugglingmum
01-11-20, 04:06 PM
Your psychologist sounds fabulous. I'm glad it seems to be going well with him
Your psychologist sounds brilliant and speaks a lot of sense....
Such a hard week for me after a nice one week break ...As some of you know, my dear cat unexpectedly died.
I also had a conflict with my boss immediately after my return back to work on Monday. My last office where I was expected to work has no heating and no windows. I decided to stand up for myself, especially because I am the only sworn translator from English in the company. These conflicts are hard for me, but I decided to defend my rights, even in difficult crisis time. I wrote to her, no clear reply, so I left a brief message where I stated that I am not going to endure cold and I will quit office in some minutes. My condition was clear: either she provides a normal office, either I will work from home. I don't know how I managed, but I stood up for myself, although I am very anxious.
It was a big scandal after I left, she said a lot of hurtful things....but she transferred me to the normal quiet office where I am staying now. She then contacted me, but I felt she is insecure because she did not expect from me such actions. I cannot believe it myself...
As for my dear beloved kitty, I have no words, I am still expecting him to come every day I open the door after work...
(panda) I’m so sorry for your loss, hunni
Well done for standing up for yourself, I’m so proud :)
OMG I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself! That's really amazing! Well done love. I couldn't be prouder of you!
I'm so sorry about your kitty love. You gave him so much love, care and affection. (bear)
I'm sorry for your loss sweetie, but well done for sticking up for yourself.
Strugglingmum
13-11-20, 06:27 PM
So sorry to hear about your cat. Our animals are our family so of course we mourn for them. (bear)
Well done for knowing your worth and standing up for what's right. You did fantastic.
My feelings are so mixed now. I have passed, I can say rather successful CBT, but then followed my cat's death. I know that is life, but still deeply sad.
My dad has not mentioned any mortgage allusions so far, just saying they are waiting for me and that my life will be amazing there, a job et....I am for a visit, for a temporary stay, but all my entity screams NO. And I don't love him, I don't really know him, I can fulfill legal promises, but I cannot be his "good" daughter.
This might sound so easy. But if thats how you feel about it then don't. You are ok the way you are. And if your whole entity tells you no then what is there to doubt? Would you even consider doing it? And for whom? For yourself? I doubt that. Would it be for him? Or maybe the vision you have of how you want things to be?
Through the years you have shown all of us what a strong woman you can be. You have a good internal guide. But is it doubt that keeps holding you back? Are you afraid of something?
If you try to listen to your heart more and that in combination with your great intellect you could get some more clarity for yourself.
I think COVID restrictions made everything a bit difficult for me. Of course, it has had an impact more or less on everyone's mental health, not only on mine.
I think that is general fear of loneliness and death too...There is already some good news about vaccines, so maybe 2021 will be slightly better.
He has one more daughter from another marriage who he left too. I have never met my half-sister. So he has not been too much involved in her education either. He told me I am his only heir, I can get she lives very far away near China border and that is hard to travel. But the real reason is that she is married (from what I have been told, without children). So I am afraid I am a good candidate because of this.
But I am TIRED of all last devastating and heartbreaking years. When I told him by accident I had a male penpal, he was upset about it and moaned that he thought I was going to be with him. I am afraid he just wants to play on my feelings and flat tricks.A dad is supposed to be a close person, but not really in this case.
My gut feeling says no for permanent living, just for a temporary stay in the best case. I don't see myself permanently living in Latvia, maybe I am wrong, but that is my gut feeling.
Stella180
22-11-20, 02:31 PM
You don’t owe this man anything. You are a grown woman with your own life to live and if he can’t except that that’s his problem not yours.
Selena if he wasnt your dad would you even consider going?
You owe it to yourself to do what is right for you and not anyone else.
Mira and Stella and Angie are spot on. This man has never really been a father at all to you love. He's only interested purely and simply because he wants something from you..... It's time to do things FOR YOU.
No, I would consider going only for a holiday or for a relax/recovery time and I can barely imagine living with him in the same apartment.
Thank you for your opinions, it helped me a lot.
Stella180
23-11-20, 05:36 PM
Are you sure it would be a relaxing visit? Sounds like all he does is pressure you.
No, I am not sure at all.
After my mom's death, he had been stalking me for a year or less...each time asking me when I come to move in with them and why I haven't sold or mortgaged the apartment yet.
The most important was "moving with him".
Even my mom told me before her death to think carefully and decide myself after a while what to do next.
So I hadn't been in a hurry. These had been the first months of recovery. My penpal was very supportive, I idealized him of course, but he was attentive and boosted my confidence. So did my local friend, she was in the same city before COVID break.
I told him some time ago not to put pressure on me. So he was silent about mortgage, but keeps on suggesting living with him.
Yes, Latvia is a nice country (talking about capital and seaside experience there), but I cannot see many advantages of moving there even for some months. Learning new language, basically the same social life as in my place (many men in the range 25-45 work abroad and 0 people I can talk to in real life). It is true that I can idealize some places, but getting some new experience in a country which language I can speak, it will be a better opportunity.
I thought first that if I go to Latvia for relax, my Dad will try to take care of me, to the smallest extent. But I am afraid now, he just wants a caregiver.
,
Stella180
23-11-20, 06:20 PM
I’m sorry Selena but I don’t think, from what you’ve told us about him, that he is capable of putting anyone else’s needs above his own. He’s more interested in what you can give him and that’s not the kind of person you want in your life.
I agree, and I think you’re right that he just wants a caregiver
I absolutely agree with Stella and Paula. Love you need to start living your life FOR YOU. Doing the things that YOU want to do, not what other people want you to do or what you think are expected of you. You are young, you are beautiful and very intelligent. The world is your oyster! Go and travel if you want, go and eat dinner in the restaurants you want etc etc Love, life is too short to be unhappy... Go, be free, follow your CBT and see the world if it's what YOU WANT to do.
I met this New Year alone due to lockdown, because my closer local friends had been in the other cities or with family. We of course communicated over internet...
I want your opinion. I mean I regret some my feelings, but sometimes I am feeling angry with my dead mother, for example why she had not been more careful about her health on time etc. I know it is useless, just wonder if other people have such feelings too.
I'm so glad to see you lovely. How was Christmas?
It's very common to feel angry at someone who has passed on. It's a natural part of the grieving process. Be kind to you lovely....
Jaquaia
01-01-21, 04:27 PM
It's perfectly normal to have feelings like that.
Suzi, Christmas was a bit happier, because I met a friend, I guess.
I'm glad you met up with a friend. Are you able to meet up with people at the moment?
Not so much, closer friends are in the other cities, the others have to comply with restrictions and me too. So I should just have a little bit more patience.
Strugglingmum
01-01-21, 06:43 PM
Happy new year Selena. Hoping 2021 is a good year for you
Hope it's not long before you get to meet up with them soon lovely x
Happy New Year Selena....here's hoping you have a good 2021.
Thank you for wishes. Sincerely, now I'm on more pessimist wave than on positive one.
But there is some good news too, I'm feling calmer despite all storms I have recently passed through, maybe due to CBT. Also, I don't really have any expectations from anyone, in this way I'm feeling more sure about not being hurt again and again.
I'm glad the CBT is helping lovely. Are you on any antidepressant medication too?
What did you decide about your Father in the end?
I’m glad the CBT is helping :)
I talked to him yesterday. He called me to wish Happy New Year. But I had told him before if he starts his pressure, mortgage and related topics, I would switch off.
He did not bring these topics in the discussion, just said he is waiting for me there, willing to see me and willing that I will move there. I said I will visit this year when the situation improves, but cannot take now any fast and maybe inappropriate decisions. He kept on telling that he is actually my family, the only alive parent.
Family is more than biology, hunni
Stella180
02-01-21, 02:05 PM
Parent? Is he having a laugh? He may be your biological father but he’s definitely not had a role in parenting you. He’s just a glorified sperm donor and has no right to call himself your father.
Hunni, please, please, please carry on standing up to him. Yes he may biologically be your father, but when did he ever actually act like it?
I don't know why I have become so weak with him...Maybe because it had been too much in my life: struggle with my boss which in a way I gained, because I stood up in front of her, my dear cat's death, the general crisis around and my inner struggles...
I can get some things, my Dad can have his interests...but tell me please, how a dad must have behaved in such a situation?
I wanted to hear from him something simple and warm, like: " My daughter, come here, you should have some relax and you will get it here. You and/or we will have a walk around, I will take care of you". Maybe I am not right, but I have never heard these words, all around general and practical things from him.
That is why I am missing the man from France, he gave me warmth I had never had...
You've answered your own question... His thoughts should be FOR YOU. He should have travelled to you if possible because love, you needed him as a father - not someone telling you to sell your home.
I can’t really answer that, hunni, as every family is different, every dad/daughter relationship is different. However, every child should be made to feel safe, loved, cared for and respected by their parents.
But, Selena, you cannot look to other men to give you what your father didn’t. It’s not fair on them and it’s not healthy for you
I want to share a bit of my experience with CBT specialist.
Yes, I am still low, still depressed...But every day I'm feeling calmer and calmer, more and more confident, just going on and moving forward.
Meditation practice helps too. My specialist did help a lot, but I have reached myself the conclusion: just living and doing what makes me happy, so that I won't have regrets later that I haven't done this or that.
I asked him: " And if this will not take place? If I never reach ideal happiness, peace of heart and mind?"
He replied: " You lost a lot, but you are a winner too. So most of people rarely have everything. But there is always a choice, the most important is doing the things making you happy. Maybe you will have regrets, but the final conclusion is that you have done everything you considered right. Following your life path, not of the others."
I will try to keep on ...
Strugglingmum
10-01-21, 06:51 PM
I'm so glad you feel calmer and more confident in yourself. That is so positive Selena.
I'm so proud of you. Are you going to continue to see him?
Yes, a few more sessions.
Are you having 1 session a week?
Were you having more? How many sessions have you had now?
Strugglingmum
12-01-21, 08:19 AM
I'm so glad it's been so positive for you. You're doing so well.
Its so good to read how you are doing your best. Yes its a struggle but you are a good person and you deserve good things to happen to you. And that you might find the strength and peace from within. Where the true power lies.
Unfortunately, not exactly so well as I or you would wish...but there are very positive steps despite my fears and waves of despair.
P.S. About my "unfinished online romance". I decided to cut all ties with my romantic penpal, although we have communicated for a year (with little breaks). I learned the sad lesson and although it has been hard and unfulfilled, him having a major meaning in my life, despite everything. I trusted him and he did the same, having revealed his struggles too. Actually, I had never imagined before that a smiling and rather good-looking man would struggle with depression and insecurities. But actually yes, once he told me " Yes, I am smiling, but sometimes there is a dark inside me." He would never recognize the truth and maybe being ashamed that a depressed man would be considered weak. I know I had been naive and romanticized my online relationship with him, or friendship, but he gave me a lot of warmth after my mom's death. No man boosted my confidence so much as him, in fact no other man treated me as him...This was online and it could have been different in real life, I know.
Maybe loneliness, maybe because Covid has its rules and in his big city there are more opportunities for dating. He often looked at my pics online etc. Before New Year, he recognized the truth that he has someone else in his life, although we barely communicated for about 2 months, him only once stating how pretty and amazing I am.
I wanted to say a lot, to blame him for being a coward or something else, but I said just that he is still in my heart now. He said he knows, but he got very tired and anxious willing to have something in real life and that I know he has been passing through a hard period...but he did not bury nobody close alone, like me. I know he had a bit of problems with cannabis, happy he is fine now. He lost his job during Covid first lockdown...then found something else, after finally finding more or less good work place.
I said I lost more even financially with this visit, he said he is not against to see me one day.He recognized I am in his heart too and that he started dating because he was depressed...but he cannot do anything now, because he would appear as an idiot before the whole world and he is frustrated. I wished him good luck and strength, to see what he wants himself, because it is not about me, it is just not normally dating someone just because of being depressed. I said there is no point in all this, I am stuck in my small town alone and I don't want to be triggered by this situation or keep on dreaming. So after reciprocal New Year wishes, I decided to remove him from all connection and media means, because it is a bit hard now and it has been too much, along with such events as my cat's death and suicidal thoughts...
My psychologist told me he cannot decide for myself, but agreed my current decision is right. Then I asked if I would want to see this man in real life. He said that even so, my feelings would be different and I will see him differently, even if one day I decide to meet him and to look into the eyes of the man who once saved me in a very dark moment following my mom's death. He praised me too for not interfering, not invading or begging him, he said he did not even expect me to be so wise in my thirties and no contact is the best decision ever.
I also decided to be less on social threads, because there is much content triggering me too. My doctor told me this can be a good decision too, because I can focus more on myself, meditations and maybe travelling will become something real in upcoming summer.
Sweetheart you deserve so much more than what he was love. You're amazing and lovely, and genuine and sweet - you deserve to be someone's Princess... I think you've made the right decision too lovely.
Be less on social threads? What here? What's triggering you?
What you are telling us, its not easy. I agree with Suzi. You do deserve someone that will treat you right. I remember when I might someone in another country. We both tried to see each other as fast as we could. To see if there was something between us that you can only know in person.
When I read your thread I get the idea that you are hoping o find mr right. And that with his validation you will feel better? That his love will pick you up and will carry you. It will. But only the first times. After that things will get harder again and struggles will return. Even if the relationship is perfect.
All that Suzi is saying is true. And when you do meet someone I hope you will still go on with seeing help. So everything can keep growing like a tree. As strong and good roots. For yourself and for a future relationship
I’m glad you had someone who helped you through the first stages of your grief. And I’m glad you’ve got the strength now to not accept second best. There is someone out there who will celebrate who you are and want to make you the centre of his universe, and I know you will find him
Thank you so much for your encouragement and for your kind words. This means a lot to me.
For Suzi, the last world events, uncertainty, crisis and good memories do trigger too...because this crisis seems sometimes infinite.
For Mira, now I have given myself a break. But yes, his presence in my life kept me strong and lifted me higher. I remember our first skype communication,I mean I had communicated with the other guys too thorugh this way. This face-to-face, but when I saw him, my naive and childish thought was that he is the one lol! And the most ironical thing is that I generally have a rather strong intuition, but probably not that time...His smile lit up both my soul and my room. We talked nearly until the first hours of morning...I had never been so happy and calm before. His dark eyes sparkled too ....Even now, I smile when I remember this moment. He treated me respectfully, although he seemed so flirty. I told him we have a bit different temperaments, but he replied feeling so comfortable together, him being very dynamic and sociable but willing to have a calm girlfriend.
I think he cannot really grasp the true meaning of depression and he should have gone to pyschologist himself after.
But after lockdown, something happened and broke inside him. Although he had never been mean to me, he became anxious, telling me that sometimes he switches off everything and does not read any messages. He changed too, there had not been the same sparkle that had been before...We had less communication. And he became desperate, maybe a coward or maybe that occurred because of the whole crisis, I don't know.
I realize that I have got attached too much to him, maybe I was alone after my mom's death, that had an impact too.
But you cannot imagine where my heart was when I saw him with the other woman...the woman he does not really like (maybe to an extent of course), that it must have been me, my story...because I deserved it so much after all my sufferings. He had also a good impact because I was not afraid of him, I forget about my stepfather's harassment by his side....
But then I realize he might have started drinking or going down, or cannabis, if not this interaction...so bad that he did not go to a psychologist.
Maybe I idealized him to an extent, but anyway such words before/after my mom's death " My heart is with your mommy", "Kiss her on my behalf" - these words would melt down anyone's heart! I started smiling and blossoming after a while...people mentioned it too.
He is missing me too, I know, although he got tired with online interaction. But I think this is the best variant, leaving him in peace.
As for my Dad, he revealed himself too, never asking me about my private life, just having a business approach. And yes, I have decided to visit him, but I don't want to start in my dad's place a new life and I am unwilling to learn a new language, just feeling tired.
Sweetheart I'm glad that you're just going to visit your Dad and not start a new life with him. I think you need to carry on with the counselling and work at finding you some happiness. You had a really tough year last year, so maybe take some time and think about what you really want... Then go out and get it!
I think I want that winter lockdown comes to an end and yes, there is some time for reflections indeed.
My psychologist emphasized that this won't last forever and maybe I will be able to have a city break...like I did in summer 2019 during my visit to London, which was successful one and I also met a special person...
He's right, you have lots of options when the pandemic is over.
Today I have attended the other session. I started practicing meditation too. The idea is that there are core problems originating from my childhood and younger years, fears related to my mother's religious practice.
I am missing my deceased family members, but that is life...Many times I have been tortured by certain thoughts, experiences, memories...I asked them to forgive me, if I have done something wrong, but I am willing to be myself.
Although my mom realized the wrong direction of reminding me about being deformed and accepting my wishes in the end, although the last months before her death, she herself tried to repair everything and to restore the things like they used to be in my childhood, certain past things, some hurtful moments and words remain in my memory. I know she had a difficult childhood, was very talented, at the same time helped a lot of other people, but certain things and my stepdad (incuding not only harassment towards me, but his inhuman attitude towards her). I cannot be her, I am not praying like her, I am a simple sinner, I like the men that she usually did not, I have some different opinions and I cannot tolerate some humiliating things like her. She regretted so much before her death and told me that I am a good and beautiful girl, she said I can be with whoever I want to, she will not interefere, just willing to live more if God gives her another chance. This period was a blessing, although it had been hard, the period followed by imminent death. But I think the point is not in being ideal, but sincere with others and with oneself - being and doing what I want.
I remember one of my visits to the hospital where she underwent treatment back in 2017. There were some neighbours in the room, some other women too.
I suddenly talked about a guy I communicated with, he was expected to visit, but it never happened due to certain circumstances...Well, that woman sit near her and whispered pointing at me: "Please let this girl live her life. She can succeed or fail, but it's hers. I have a daughter who married a muslim, never converting herself....they are happy.My other daughter revealed to be a lesbian and I was not delighted at all. But I thought the most important is seeing them happy, seeing smile on their lips. Your daughter deserves to be happy too."
My mother told her no, because a Christian girl should never date pagans. Some time before her death, she asked me to forgive her and asked God to forgive her, that she would have acted differently and must not have judged people according to their religion. And there were certainly some other things too...I cannot really blame myself, now I am simply shocked while thinking about the whole crisis over years. She admitted euthanasia is a normal choice and it is hard one and it had been so differently before her death, when she said a true Christian should never accept this, also admitting that a depressed person like me should ask for help and a man really loving me will accept this weakness of mine...disease otherwise.
To be honest I'm not sure that I recognise someone as being a devout follower of God and the teachings of kindness and Christianity in someone who can then say such harsh things to you as she had done in the past. This nonsense about you being deformed is just nonsense. You are a very beautiful young lady and you deserve to be treated like a Princess by someone. I identify as a Christian and I haven't ever followed the straight path and married someone who is a Christian. I've dated women and I'm married to a man who had no faith at all. We've been together for nearly 22 years! Sweetheart you deserve to be happy and if that's with a person of whatever faith, no faith, a man or a woman as long as it makes you happy then that's all that's important. Anyone who doesn't want to accept you as you are isn't worth your time at all. Sweetheart you're a lovely, kind and very intelligent person. You deserve to be happy, but finding a partner isn't going to be a magic wand to make you happy...
Stella180
16-01-21, 05:26 PM
I’m just imagining if your mum had Suzi as a daughter. We all know how totally epic Suzi is, how caring, thoughtful, and supportive she is and a genuine nice person but your mum would’ve lost her mind raising a free spirit like her.
You don’t need approval to live your life in a was that you see fit. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, just be yourself.
I am just feeling very sorry...deeply sorry that it a was a very short period into which we finally had a normal relationship....a connection that seemed lost since childhood. She provided a lot to me and had herself a rather troubled personality and life, blaming herself or insisting on her principles related to my life. So weird, she gave her blessing to my communication with a man I have been in touch with for a year so far. One of my close friends told me that this had been that way probably because she was dying and she tried not to make me upset...she said that if she had lived, she would probably have found something wrong in him too.
The only good thing that she had never judged someone's sexuality, never judged if someone lived in or without marriage etc...The other principles had been dominant, regarding difference of religions for example or some other issues. But she said before her death I am amazing and can do whatever I want and live with who I want, regardless any differences, just to be attentive that my feelings would not be hurt.
But generally some religious people, some too harsh principles can trigger me, so I am trying to avoid such discussions.
I can imagine how painful it is that you had all those years when your mum struggled to allow you to live your life, only to see a glimpse at the end of how it could have been if she’d been able to see things differently, earlier. She probably thought she was protecting you when actually she was lucky she didn’t push you away - and that’s down to your love and devotion for her.
Sweetie, I’m a Christian, I was raised in a Christian family. My husband is not, nor has any desire to even consider it. My daughter is gay. I love them both very, very much and nothing and no one will ever change that and I will never turn my back on them. What I’m trying to say is that there is a huge difference between true Christianity and religion and those ‘religious people’ you’ve come across are not Christian in my eyes
All of you are so supportive that I cannot express my feelings well enough and hide my tears.
Even her confessor told me that maybe that was "good" for her to die at that period. I remember my boss's cleaner (which left the company a few years ago) came once to clean my office and told me I would marry after my mom's death! I was so shocked....
Maybe my mom achieved a higher spiritual level and had a vocation, I believe, but I am a simple woman just willing to be happy in my own way.
I just want that she hears me where she is now and fully understands my feelings, my struggle, my willingness and my weakness that I am not ideal in the matter of mental health. Because I was with her until the end and although she was not in direct putrefaction process like the other cancer patients, but anyway. I know she loved me, but all this is a trauma to me, comprising some of her words, still sounding in my head!!!
I know that in the end, everything had been different.
First, that I am "deformed". Ok, I had been touched by insulin rezistance, but I am not guilty and although I lost some weight, but I am not in a slim team. My psychologist considers this caused by mostly psychological issues.
I have a question to all of you. Is it ok listening to mantra or motivational meditation videos (this brings me relief), although I am a Christian?
You are NOT deformed! You are beautiful! You just need to smile more ;)
Of course you can listen to things that you find soothing!
That is hard to smile. Now it is a bit hard. When that man was present in my life, he made me smile, now generally it is more difficult in lockdown.
As for my mom, I know she was searching for perfection, but in the end she admitted she is wrong. She revealed that was caused by her harsh childhood and poor self-esteem. I would want her back, because she was my mom and we shared nice memories too, but I realize the reality of course. There are things that deeply hurt.
In the end of spring 2019, some weird things happened. According to one of the scans, she had multiple MT, according to the other - it was unclear. And on her summer pics when she accompanied me to the airport in my way to London, she looked fine.
But there is a thing she did, although there is no way of making me feel guilty. I didn't communicate with anyone at that time and it was a general discussion and I thought she changed her mind in many aspects, mainly because of remission. It was nothing at all, but she suddenly exploded and said: " If my daughter will marry a Muslim, then I ask God to take away all my recovery so far and die, so that I will never see them or any grandchildren!" I was so shocked and scared at once, because it was me who fought for her nearly alone. But really I did not search for a special category of religion etc, it was some fun at beginning in internet communication with the men from abroad. Later, some stronger connections appeared, everything was mostly online and pretty much without even skyping!!! Maybe because they were not too insistent in intimate discussions or respect my privacy, not sure.
She even complained to the confessor about it, without taking into consideration that I am a different kind of Christian and I will never change my religion. I was so ashamed of everything, because it sounded weird. The confessor told her not to judge people of the other faith.
You really are not deformed. If you are, love, then me and my multiple health issues would make me a complete wreck - and I’m not. I’m also married with 2 amazing kids, and my contribution to my family has never been less than it should, even if I’m not well. None of us are perfect, the important thing is to accept ourselves for who we are, not who others want us to be.
As for that explosion of your mum’s, hunni I’m not a perfect mum but I would be horrified if I was to say anything like that to or about either of my children.
Oh, and I meditate most days.... actually I use a meditation based on bible verses
Stella180
16-01-21, 09:53 PM
What has being Christian got to do with it? If those videos are of benefit to you then absolutely stick with it and no shame in it at all.
I don’t know your definition of “deformed” but it’s definitely not a word that I would use to describe you at all. You have health conditions, that does not make you deformed.
Your mother. I am glad that you and her were able to resolve some of your differences before her passing and the fact that she was able to be more compassionate with you towards the end. However, the years of her saying some horrendous things about you and being incredibly controlling and that kind of trauma does not disappear all of a sudden.
If deformed means that you are a smart woman, open minded and in interested in other people and cultures. Trying to better better yourself and build a future for yourself without looking down on anyone or anything. Then yes. You should even be proud of being deformed.
But if you think the "regular" definition applies to you then I have to say (and this is something I hardly ever say), you are wrong!
I am a man of many believes. But not a religious one. But if I were to believe in a higher power. Or god. Restrictive thinking would not fit that lifestyle. When my grandmother died we were in church. And I kept hearing god is love. God is love. God loves all his children. Then there we are. All his children. That tells me the gay children, the sick children, the muslim children, the transgender children. I could go on and on. And if that is how we look at someone and say thats a religious person. Then I think everyone of us here on this forum is deeply religious.
To me its that simple.
I live in the Dutch bible belt. A small village with 12.000 people next to me and 14 churches. They all separate over (in my view stupid) rules. They go to church in a car. They dress differently. They watch tv. etc etc. To me that's not religion. There are so many religious people that are doing out of the box things to feel a deeper connection to god. And if that helps them. Then by all means go for it. Who cares what other people think of it? I think its a personal thing to begin with. Your own connection to god. What does other people give the power to determine how you should express your love or your feelings?
Selena. Through your posts we have gotten to know the person you are. And the person you have become even through the difficult times. You are a woman with mental health problems yes. But these do not define you. Its a part of you. But its not all that you are. And its not how you or anyone else should look at you. And the way you are has nothing to do with being deformed. I myself have never ever seen a person I would call deformed. Sadly there are a lot of people with problems and issues. But thats not being deformed.
As a Mum to 3 children who all have additional health needs I am disgusted by what hurtful, hideous things that your Mother said to you. Being ill is no excuse for being so unkind. 2 of my children are autistic, one has chronic health illnesses... Do any of those things make them "deformed"? NO! They may be different, but we are all different from each other and aren't we all made in the image of God, as one of God's children? The others are right, I'm sorry lovely, I know you're grieving but the horrible things she said to you are inexcusable and are even more so as she was your Mother and meant to be the one person who loves you unconditionally and without judgement. The first person to support you and to be there for you - not to fill your head with horrible rubbish as this stuff.
OldMike
17-01-21, 11:06 AM
Selena how can you possibly be described as deformed (it was cruel beyond belief for your mother to say that), you're a highly intelligent pretty young woman it's a pity you don't see yourself as others see you.
When I look back, I understand that she herself, my poor mom, had issues with self-esteem and once told me she considers herself deformed too!!! I asked why, because when she did not eat sweets, she was rather slim. She was an artist first as her vocation and she started telling me about ideal proportions or closer standards. Then she started reminding me the words my stepfather told her, a horrible man. I said ok, but anyway why she allowed him to say these horrible words, how she did come that in the end he even tried to kill her, 10 years of tolerating him! We would have been so happy without him. She admitted then that everything is related to her poor self-esteem since childhood. A month or two before her death, she told me: " I and grandma got to get along recently. But my childhood was harsh, she never gave me a kiss, just telling me how horrible I am and refusing to buy even the cheapest nice dress. I had never felt my mother's love, I had always been a worthless loser, being told again and again that I am nearly nothing. I wanted us to be different, so I told you since childhood how amazing you are." Yes, this was true. My early childhood was very happy. But then this horrible man came into our life. Later, I started to gain weight due to stress.
In my mother's definition, "deformed" is somebody's body (woman's variant) affected by illness, especially weight gain. Then she tried to interpret and explain everything that all this is due to sins and curse. When she had her religious vocation revealed, she attended religious services, allowing to be told rather bad things by some so called religious servants. She raised her voice when I missed those services. I tried to explain that I am a bad Christian, because I have my view, something alike.
I cannot deny that some small or big miracles, good things happened, but I think that occurred due to my inner prayer or hers. The worst came after she started self-blaming herself, stating that is such a big sinner, and no real reasons provided. She started to fast very harshly, one year not eating and/or drinking for 9 days! I know she made her best that I have everything possible and to fulfill some spiritual goals, but the others took advantage of this too.
When she realized her faux pas, it was too late. And I knew deeply inside, since the first hospital admission, that this is the beginning of the end.
When we had talked about euthanasia before, she told me that a true Christian would never accept something alike. Then she recognized her fault when she got diagnosed with cancer. But the worst occurred when I had been completely alone with her before her death. She died on Sunday, but this happened on Saturday - the start of infinite circle in attendance of death. No, there had not been any physically horrible issues, but cancer remains a beast. I was alone. Just the connection on internet and Cholangocarcinoma support group, they helped a lot indeed. So when I asked if she maybe wants me to read the Bible, she said no, not in this condition. She was not searching or asking for anyone's help, just asking me to help her into her native language. I was feeling completely lost, but had no choice. Then she probably imagined we are in Euthanasia unit waiting for doctor and asked me: " When will the doctor come? To finally inject me to die. Please tell him to do this as fast as it is possible. " I was perplexed, but just murmured he is on his way there. And thought deeply inside that I had been right, we should never judge. The next day, she died peacefully and I know I should be grateful for this, thus avoiding additional mental struggles, but this is a trauma too.
The same happened with her opinion about my mental problems, she said I should search for help and she was not right about her previous statements that a true Christian should not search for doctor's help and does not need psychological assitance or other help, she criticized my preference for meditation and yoga practice. But in the end she changed, asking forgiveness before God and me for having judged so harsh, affirming that she was so wrong and if God gave her another chance, she would have acted differently. Maybe that is the reason she accepted that man despite everything too.
Her childhood friend confirmed she had a harsh childhood. I have also found out that my mother had acquired school program very early, being strong in all fields, even in maths. She was ready to enter the university at 13-14 years old. It was USSR and they had a Council and decided to allow her for final exams a bit later, so she left school at 15 years old. Her Dad was talented too, but not acquiring everything so early. And she was not happy.
I am different and unwilling to follow her exact spiritual path, I am not a regular, but a moderate church goer and with liberal views. Meditations have a positive impact on me too. I would be happy to see her alive, but now I decided to follow my path.
You are kind and lovely - definitely NOT a "bad" Christian at all!
Sweetheart it's good that you are talking about all of this, but please remember your life is not the same as hers and you deserve to follow your own path and be happy x
From reading Suzi's comment about you not being a "bad" christian. Can some one tell me what a good christian is?
I was thinking about you meditating and your beliefs. And a google search showed me this.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/should-christians-meditat_b_9170716
And I think this shows something that we all know already here. It fits into your believe. And another thing I wanted to say about meditation. You are doing the meditation to help yourself. To get yourself to a place you want to be. Why would anyone have a problem with that?
I believe that being a "good" Christian is being kind, understanding, not sitting in judgement of others, being charitable - of yourself, not financially. Being honest, kind, respectful and following the ways that Jesus taught us - basically being kind....
I think you are right Suzi. That means every religious person here is a good christian. And Selena is a good christian too.
The thing is that your mothers opinions outweigh the ones I have for you. Or others on the internet. But I do think its good you are starting to look for others that share your believes and views. And I think yours are way more compatible with the ones Suzi and Paula and others express.
So, yes, but the meditation or mantra I have been listening to relates to ayurvedic, related to krishna and buddhist philosophy. The thing is that I started feeling calmer and took 2 important decisions, without any inner hysterics.
However, my independent meditation and prayer is mainly Christian.
Yes I see your point. But did Christianity never "borrowed" pagan traditions and practices? They did ages ago and that to me could be the same as this.
But I am not trying to prove a point or push any thought I have. The only thing I have is hope that you can do something you enjoy and something that helps without having a negative feeling or thought attached to it.
Although last year was very tough for me, especially sad because I lost my dearest cat, but I suddenly realized it made me only stronger in spite of being depressed.
I became more decisive in communication with my crazy difficult boss and my dad.
As for my Dad, this connection is weird, along with calling him dad over phone. No, I cannot say I love him, but tended to hope for something. Neither does he, I remind him a part of my mom and that he was "dumped", forgetting about his own errors. A family friend told me, yes, he had never hit a woman, but was a kind of gambling addict. Once he lost a game and broke the window with an object. Thus, my mum considered this impossible, along with cohabitation with a very difficult mother-in-law. If he took a woman in a house, the mother-in -law should first approve. During my last and first visit there, she considered me dangerous (surely, because I would have fought for my rights in court in place of my mom or his second wife). Then, the old one knew very well how to create conflict, raising in his son (my dad) doubts about his paternity in both cases! In my case, she stated my nose is far from family nose (although my maternal grandma has a similar nose!) ! My mom was taken to hospital while living with them due to the very low hemoglobin level! The old one asked me cynically why my mum married so unwisely second time, I provided no reply.
When I returned home, I asked my mom directly how she could have married him. She told me it was not for love, but because it was time to marry and he seemed nice.
Due to say, he made my first visit horrible by constantly bullying me for not being slender. I replied that he is not either and I would have never dated such a man either. He did not even try to hear about my medical condition. When we sat at the table, in the end his girlfriend told him I look good and to shut up. Then he started talking that people of the other race are not equal...his girlfriend once again told him that it is non -sense and God created everybody for a purpose, that every should be accepted and respected, regardless of race or sexuality. When I was home there, he often laughed on tv and calling names while seeing an overweight woman or men of another race. His mom tried to create additional conflicts between us. I asked to remain there for work, as they promised, but they lied before, the old one hoping my mom would come there leaving her mom and taking care of her! The only person with a human attitude was his silent Latvian girlfriend.
Before my mom's death, my mom praised me for dignity and for choosing to go to London (where I want) and understood I did not want to come to a place where I was humiliated. Coming back from London and meeting my mom again after visit to London was one of the happiest moments of my life. She felt not so well, but even prepared something for me!
After my mom's death, he started insisting that I immediately move there as you know. But I hesitated due to some other plans. Then lockdown came.
He often tells me about our wonderful life together and a bright future. But I am only for visit or temporary living there, not for a new life there.
I was also shocked when he once said, after I told him about my break up: "I expected you to come here living with me".
So, he fears even asking about a man in my life, the only persons being "I", "My mom", "Family".
I was disappointed, but now I make no more illusions regarding him.
Hunni, I hate to be harsh but you've not had the greatest of parenting experiences... Your Dad is nothing more than a genetic donor... You deserve so much more than you've had.
I am feeling better, CBT has its effects surely, but it is still very hard.
The main problem is related to nightmares with my deceased mom and grandmother. When I wake up, it seems like it had been so real, that they are still alive and nothing happened. Or all sort of patients, hospices, other a bit bloody details...This brings harsh panic attacks feeling unreal like somebody killed them and coming after me too. It is so horrible, that my breathing nearly stops and I live in fear in the upcoming days.
I think, these problems along with my loneliness made me at a certain point nearly fall into my dad's trap and lies.
I’m glad CBT is helping. Not everything will be fixed straight away, lovely (panda)
It is hard, but the most amazing news that I am becoming myself, getting to my initial entity. Although everything is not easy at all.
My dad called me again and asked, if I can tell my boss that I should take care of my "remaining ill close family members" and to come before June to be there with him and his mother! I told him to send money first and to book me a room at the hotel, as I cannot stay there with his mother, my health is shattered too and I am much younger.
If there is opportunity to have a little holiday in late spring or summer, I want to go where I want. He makes me extremely anxious with his pressure.
I know I am not mentally stable, but he will certainly not make me feel happier or more relaxed.
It is hard. But I know you will make it.
Reading your posts I seem to get the idea that your father is not healthy for you at the moment. He should be in your corner with support and kindness. Trying to help in what ever way possible.
But instead he keeps putting pressure on you. And thats not good for anyone. Let alone someone with mental health issues.
I know its easier said then done. But you would be better off finding your own happyness. I remember how well the trip to Londen was for you.
Thats one of the things that will help you.
I'm so glad you're standing up to him lovely.
CBT is fantastic and I'm glad that it's helping, but lovely remember you didn't get this poorly overnight so it's going to take a long time to undo and relearn everything. You have to keep on working on it and giving yourself time to do so...
Strugglingmum
24-01-21, 06:58 PM
You are doing so well Selena. I know you probably dont think so but honestly, how you are thinking is so much healthier.
Hi, everybody.
I decided to go somehwere in summertime on holiday.
My psychologist suggested coming back on dating sites. He said I don't make any illusions already and this will help forgetting that guy.
At first, I thought it would be impossible, but it seems nice, although I don't make any hopes and expectations.
Where are you planning on going?
Do you feel ready to go back on the dating sites?
Not sure, Paris probably.
I thought no. But I was relieved because I told them the truth, planning just communication in lockdown period and nothing more for a moment.
Its awesome that you told them the truth. I think its the only way that anything can even help. Being open about things will make sure that you are getting the replies and the help you need. I have so many hopes for you. And that they all happen.
Paris sounds lovely.
I am feeling at ease because I am feeling myself.
That is so nice to hear. I hope it is giving you a bit of confidence and energy as well (panda)
You know, the weirdest thing on this world is that I when I stopped to dream about a prince charming ....the men became opener too, I don't expect anything from anyone, not being my knight for sure.
Strugglingmum
29-01-21, 09:59 PM
That is great to hear. Paris is beautiful. I would love to go back.
I have a good intution and I start not feeling so frightened by men. I know I am not a gift, a depressed woman and who passed through harassment, but I am sincere with them.
I blamed myself when that guy told me he got tired of all this online relationship, but then I thought maybe it is better this way.
I passed a very hard year, but now I have understood that although he liked me, I fed his ego too.
I think its better this way too. This happening was a way of showing you he was not right for you. And I am glad that you are not that frightended by men. There are some true gems out there. I have met some.
But why say you are no gift? It made me sad to read that. By showing us who you are and what you believe and value you are one of the biggest gifts. That what does not make us perfect makes us unique. We all have bagage. And everyone has had trouble in life. The strenght you have shown by still going for what you want and trying your best makes you so much more. And thats why you deserve so much more too.
You are a gift!
My psychologist asked me what I want.
I said I am not dreaming about a marriage, just a relationship based not only on attraction, but deep friendship and respect. He said that is perfect not expecting anything from anyone.
You know, the weirdest thing on this world is that I when I stopped to dream about a prince charming ....the men became opener too, I don't expect anything from anyone, not being my knight for sure.
You don't need a knight. You are a strong, independent and perfectly capable person in your own right..
I have a good intution and I start not feeling so frightened by men. I know I am not a gift, a depressed woman and who passed through harassment, but I am sincere with them.
I blamed myself when that guy told me he got tired of all this online relationship, but then I thought maybe it is better this way.
I passed a very hard year, but now I have understood that although he liked me, I fed his ego too.
But you aren't an object, you are a person. Every person I've ever met comes with their own baggage - we all have it. Some of us more than most - me especially. Sweetheart you need to stop seeing yourself as damaged goods and more of a wonderful, intelligent, kind, lovely person...
You know what I am afraid of, that the man X or Y will turn his back once discovering I am affected by depression.
Stella180
30-01-21, 02:07 PM
If that happens then he’s not the right person for you.
Stella is right. If someone can't love ALL of you - flaws and all, then they are NOT right for you!
You know, now I realize that everything that has happened so far was probably for the best of my mental and physical safety. Stella said that COVID did me a favour back in March and the others would have thought the same. But now I think it was for the best despite some losses.
I tried to defend the man when he vanished online. But I remember another psychologist telling me some time ago that " if a man wants to make steps towards a woman, there will certainly not be any borders" (not applying probably too much in the new Covid reality!)
I realized later, he probably used ghosting and mosting maybe. He explained he was not in proper mood and disconnected with the world...
I don't judge him, but he enjoyed my naive admiration for him and I guess he thinks I will be forever there waiting for him. Why then stating finally he is in relationship and that many things changed, having two accounts with and without me (blocked there an dprivate), but welcoming the idea of seeing me one day?
Too much egoism.
Thank God, no gaslighting. My dad used it with his mom against his second wife. When I asked him why he married her, if she was so bad, his reply was: " I did not know she was crazy. Nobody told me or mom. " Or my stepdad used permanent gaslighting and other kinds of abuse against my mom, denying even hiting her, but the medical expertise reaveled different things. He mostly applied physical abuse, when there were no witnesses and this was in the last years of their marriage.
Too sad when someone uses manipulation techniques.
But I decided to return on dating site just being there for killing boredom and communication with normal people. If I feel uncomfortable, I stop any kinds of communication. I am still planning a visit to Paris, but this can become reality I guess only in summer.
Strugglingmum
31-01-21, 09:34 AM
You sound in a much better place mentally. Its lovely to hear.
I'm glad you're moving things forward, but hunni you're so better off putting yourself first...
But I must unfortunately recognize that I am still a bit scared of getting closer to someone. I decided just saying I need some more time without giving any details. I mean either on distance or real life.
Sorry, are you saying you've already met someone you think you'd like to get closer to?
No, only online.
The thing is that the 2 men impressed me with their attitude. I told them the truth that I'm going only in summer. Both of them told me, it is not a problem, that we will see how it is going and if I cannot, they can visit me either in my country or Latvia.
I was surprised.
They told me that while being on lockdown started to think more about some values or building stronger relationship and family.
Is that fine?
The idea was if a man likes a woman, he can come to visit first.
Hunni, why aren't you looking closer to home?
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't go to meet anyone unless you have a friend with you... You have to be safe.
No, I will not go anywhere soon.
And already fed up with dating site. It gave me some strength, but I need a break, I mean anywhere.
But if someone wants to visit me, then it seems to be a different thing.
Sweetheart you have to be kind to you.... Why not try local dating sites instead?
I tried, but there is a very poor choice, many of locals are working abroad either. I mean those of my age.
Sweetheart, don't dismiss those around you...
So weird feeling ...so for now I have ended private CBT course, maybe I will come back to attend after a while.
But it helped, mainly in the terms of self-respect. I think I need some time, but I am feeling happy communicating with other people, especially with one man.
Now I understand my mistakes and that some things should not be tolerated since the beginning and that communication (even romantic) is just a step towards a relationship.
I am being ashamed of myself that after my mom's death I probably had become too emotional and did not realize ghosting...
And that skyping 4 times in a year was not enough! Exchanging pics (everybody can like) or words are not enough. That if someone is interested, he can find some time during a day. And that I exaggerated his good role, of the person I have never met.
Also - that now I find more attractive first man's intelligence and attitude towards me. And it's nice when someone finds some time for me and asks if I have properly eaten or got some relax.
I am still not very ready for dating, but I am delighted to feel loved (in a minimal meaning of this word) and cared about and share these feelings.
It's interesting that the men told me I should smile more, I have a beatiful smile, but it is a bit hard for me.
Strugglingmum
07-02-21, 04:10 PM
Sounds like a good friendship. Respectful friendship can lead to a beautiful romance but if it doesn't, you still have a good friend.
Yes, he is a very good friend and I am being myself with him.
Why have you ended your CBT? How many sessions did you have in the end?
You weren't "too emotional" after your Mum's death. That's a ridiculous thing to think.. What do you mean about ghosting?
Hunni, you seem to fall quite hard and fast for men you talk to online. Please, please, please, please, please be careful.
I will wait for my salary, it is not unfortunately free of charge here. 12.
That man who I had communicated with after my mom's death. He used ghosting: disappearing and not replying to my messages, then reappearing. The CBT specialist helped me to see the situation with this "online relationship" better.
I know you care about me and I am trying to be careful too. Now I just communicate, understanding that this is not a relationship, so I think it is not dangerous.
You've referred to it as falling in love again on FB, I am concerned about you.
I'm glad that your therapist could help you see what we had been trying to tell you too.
Yes, a kind of, he has been very attentive so far and we have a lot of similar interests.
But, yes, my therapist told me he cannot judge this person, encouraging communication from one side, if it's respectful. However, he warned me to avoid falling for someone, even if he seems to be a good person.
Your therapist seems to talk sense - well he says the same as we do, so he must be right! (rofl) (rofl)
He said this type of communication with an intelligent man (person) could improve my linguistic skills or enlarge my knowledge, but I should bear in mind that only 5 % of long distance relationship/communication end up in something deeper.
I'd be surprised if it was that high for anything over countries....
I have been doing like my CBT advised because I am still not ready for real life dating - communication online with different guys, either local or distant. I communicate only with respectful people and trying not to make illusions, although someone always tends to become closer.
I am suprised that these men consider me attractive too, this is caused by my own low self-esteem, I know that there is a lot of work to do about it. Some of them maybe felt this insecurity, but mostly repeated they liked everything about me. I am not ready yet to see someone in real life, maybe in summer.
Well, I think there is another problem making me feel guilty. Especially now as my birthday is approaching and without my mom the second year... The thing is that despite her last good comments about me, I am still being hunted by the "deformed" meaning, "belly" etc. And then it makes me sad and depressed and on those days I can barely communicate with even my close friend. And after I blame myself that I should not judge my mom for these memories, feeling low and depressed. These moments are the hardest.
But you are a wonderful lady and very beautiful!
Hunni, your mother was talking absolute rubbish about you being "deformed." I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but love it was absolutely harsh and horrible comments for her to make to you stay with her. Those were hideous comments for anyone to make about anyone - but unthinkable for a mother to say that about their child....
Yes, actually in the last months she apologized so much and told me that now God opened her eyes to see how beautiful and kind her daughter is. But when she was sorry about, it was already too late...or it was probably destiny or something alike but with no return for her.
Sweetheart you deserved never to have been told so much rubbish. You are amazing, kind, sweet, intelligent and beautiful - that is what she should have told you.
Unfortunately, her being sorry could never take away the pain of her saying those things in the first place. Which must be all mixed up with your grief...... CBT will help, love, but it won’t be an overnight we will keep telling you the truth of your beauty, kindness and general amazingness - eventually it’ll stick :)
After nearly a month, I have come unfortunately to emotional collapse again.
We are not on lockdown, but the health and economic crisis is obvious. Struggling with my mental conditional is still a tough battle, suicidal thoughts not totally vanishing.
The last surprise is my dad who has called me and told that I must come this year! I have told him there is no direct flight to his place and I must pay a lot for a very small distance, it is risky due to Covid too. He stays closed home together with his mom, while I am struggling every day and work in the office. Then he told me he can disinherit me! I told him that I need to stay safe, but I can come if he sends some money, he just ignored it.
Not forgetting that I have to pay my Covid test before getting somewhere prior to flight and with no direct flights, I can be stuck everywhere and put myself at double risk.
I want to take a holiday somewhere. But looking really, I realize that I can visit only one place and I will not prefer his place.
I'm not surprised you're struggling with your Dad behaving like that! I'm sorry lovely, but he's completely out of order and totally disrespectful of you! You deserve so much better. How dare he speak to you like that?!
It upset me at a certain extent, but it was actually expected from him. I told him to do what he wants.
The bad thing is that I started to have again nightmares with my dying mother, grandmother and cat and the thing is that all the events are hundred times more horrible than in real life.
Has CBT been pushing at really difficult issues?
I just mean that, if it is, that may be what’s causing the nightmares
Or have you had any anniversaries etc come up?
Are you still having therapy?
No. But a year since my lost flight to Paris on Friday.
No, I will return to sessions in May.
Can I ask why you are waiting until May to restart your sessions?
Maybe the fact you lost not only your flight, but the hope you had of being with that guy too.... It's understandable that you are feeling really sad about it.
Because they are not free of charge. Unfortunately, the mental health is still omitted in my place, especially now in Covid crisis.
Yes, but I have actually found another penpal not so long time ago. However, this time I was wiser and he probably too. He told me soon there is no online love and he doesn't want to shatter my fragile mental health with promises.
Well, I have realized I am not ready for real life dating yet. Now I am still very emotional and fragile.
As far as it concerns Paris itself - the city, I still want to visit it.
That makes sense about it being a private system...
Sweetheart you are so intelligent, kind, thoughtful, beautiful and interesting that I believe you deserve so much more than the men in your life have been/treated.... Your Dad treats you like rubbish, seeming to only contact when he wants something from you, that last man seemed lovely, but actually was rubbish to you and now this one who is talking about your "fragile mental health".... You deserve to be loved, put first and treated like a princess. I really think you need to start seeing yourself as deserving of this.
The very last man (from this year) was very nice and active since the beginning....chemistry for sure, but a lot of shared interests and discussions.
He was attentive indeed and I think his attitude seemed like everything I have ever dreamt of. Actually, he was rather insistent, but respectful. We have even the same birthmark! His words deeply touched me, I have never pushed the things. I did not want to hurry the things up, knowing the previous experience.
He is a French-Moroccan and I think the obstacle between us was...religion or maybe his clan's general opinion about such unions. No, he was nice and tolerant, he listened to what I have talked about Christianity and me about Islam.
He seemed secular in his looks first, but then he revealed he is a practicing Muslim. I know a part of him was genuine for sure. He actually proved to be a good friend, listening to the events from my life and his advice was fine. He often repeated I have a pure soul. I could read admiration in his eyes.
That until one day...
I was waiting for my best friend in a cafe. He messaged me and was nervous. I felt something wrong happened even in the previous days.I did not know that a clan means so much even in Europe. Then I asked him if he needs me in his life. He told me that does not want to hurt me and the current situation in France is harsh and his family is his rock, so we cannot be together and he decided it will be better to marry a distant cousin from his family and move to Belgium. Knowing that I should come to Paris anyway, because I generally wanted to visit the city and university considering my desire to maybe pursue post-graduate studies there, he revealed that we can meet, but that is all. I could not believe myself, my tears were falling down cause he has treated me so nice. He asked me to forgive him and that I cannot take my life as I am a good Christian. His parents are deceased too, I thought he is independent, but actually since the first video call I realized I am stronger than him (but depressed), although he is a bit depressed too.
He told me he did not want to act this way, his first desire was being with me, but he cannot currently financially support a family/woman independently. I told him to think, to stop, that is not normal, we have been talking nearly daily, I am still missing his voice, his face! I wondered, if he lies or tells the truth. He said I don't really know him and I am a special woman, but should not really trust any man on internet. He told me then sorry to shock me, that I should try to sleep and that from now on we are good friends. I told him I know, it is online, but still it could not be just friendship. He said yes, he understands this. I told him that he is heartless, he replied that I am hurting his feelings, that I should calm down and search for someone else. But I have got attached to him so much, although I noticed he became a bit anxious, when we talked about clan relationships and religion.
He is indecisive and I think one of his sisters had an impact on him too. His attitude touched me so much and he is so intelligent that I was ready to move there with him as soon as possible. I started blaming myself for everything, because he encouraged me and was so nice to me too. But in certain aspects we disagreed, he said it will be better to move with my dad, because a woman must not live alone.
Well that last statement from him was rubbish. You’ve been living on your own for some time now, and are managing very well!
Hunni, my hubby is atheist and I’m a Christian. It’s extremely hard at times to be with someone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you do. I’m fortunate in that Si has never tried to stop me from practising my faith, and actually encourages it. But I know many, many Christian women whose non believing partners make it very difficult for them. Your Frenchman wasn’t wrong in saying that a relationship would be very difficult between you. However, he was wrong in letting things get as far as they did without talking to you properly about it. He should have known this was the likely outcome and stopped things before he hurt you.
Yes, I have got so emotional that I talked even to my confessor about it.
He told that well, in Christian and general view, a man should be a man, but from other side, to let the things go as they are, because he seems depressed. Just to focus on my general goals. As for my dad, he said he cannot express his despise in words.
I'm going to share something here. Marc is an atheist, I follow the Church of England faith. This is fine, it's been a little awkward for me to go to Church in the first place as I had moved area and didn't know a church around here - a few I went to were really cliquey and I didn't feel welcomed at all. Then we went to a local Church to go and take some photos and I've not been welcomed as much ever... Slowly Marc has changed from a definite "there's nothing" to a "maybe there is something" which is fab and we go together (when we're not in a pandemic) to the Wednesday morning service which is quiet and lovely.
However I do know of someone who fell in love with a guy from a different background and she moved into his flat, but any time his family were coming they had to move all her stuff out of the flat and make it look like she wasn't there...... In the end, he too chose his family and she was dumped on my doorstep in a horrific state. Later he died and she wasn't even able to go to the funeral or know where he is buried...
Hunni you get decent people and not great people in every religion, every race and every background... You deserve so much better.
I have got really attached to him, I feared losing him. But maybe it is better so.
When I went to church some days ago, my confessor was happy to see me there and asked about my travelling plans. He smiled and said that all of us should just wait a little until life gets to more normal standards. He firmly told me not to get trapped into my dad's offers, reminding me that my priorities should be put first.
Absolutely agree with him!
So, I have received my first Covid jab and I am fine now.
CBT helped me, but still struggling with very bad mood swings and that feeling of being trapped.
My communication with my Dad hardly improved, he does not seem to grasp the reality at all. And honestly, after all this, I would rather visit London again than him after all our misunderstandings.
As for dating, now I can say I am not so afraid of men (more precisely of concrete men who I have communicated a little and can trust just a little).
But sometimes, "deformed" bumps into my head and I wonder if X or Y will accept me despite not being exactly slender and still having a belly. If he will not laugh at me.
I also wonder who should pay at the date. In my culture, men used to pay for everything. But if he invites....feeling uncomfortable in those moments.
I'm glad that you are doing well after your vaccination. I'm glad you had it.
I don't think that your Dad is ever going to be what you want, need and deserve... I'm sorry that he thinks it's OK to treat you so badly. Next time you come to London we'll have to arrange to meet ;)
Hunni, get rid of that word "deformed." You are not. You are lovely, kind, intelligent, beautiful and wonderful lady who I'm really proud to know and be able to call a friend.
Don't worry about dating yet love... Just get to know someone... If he offers to pay, let him ;)
I think I am doing well now, but I have been struggling the last weeks. My CBT session will restart in June.
Looking back at all bad events so far, I mean 2020 plans, now I think it is good the trip to Paris failed (except the never returned money!). Because I was too weak and I saw in a man who had the abilities of clown (but who has never even talked to me enough) my soulmate! I obviously exaggerated....And it is not about him being a bad person, but he simply does not have an appropriate emotional approach to me. Maybe that was the reason his ex broke everything with him, I have never seen him in real life, but I guess that is the key. And he was not right suggesting certain level of intimacy and knowing that I was still in deep grief. My best local friend always tried to tell me he is not for me and was so happy when everything failed, because she did not want to see me destroyed.
Why have I realized it now?
Probably because much time already passed and I can perceive the whole situation differently, one day I just opened my eyes and...
And also because I have got that the other men can make me happier, maybe not forever, but their approach is closer to me and they could listen better.
At a certain moment, I thought the men who appear in my life get better and better, my CBT thinks that is not coincidence, but the result of better self-esteem.
But I am not in a hurry because I put my mental condition and safety first. Anyway, besides some insecurities, now my main fear regarding the first real life date is fear of breaking in tears before the man X or Y.
You weren't "weak" at all. You trusted someone who you thought you had got to know. Most of us have done similar.... What intimacy did he suggest? I'm glad that you're not having anything to do with him too....
What men are in your life now?
Absolutely don't be in a hurry - you're young, you have loads of time on your side. Do not settle for anyone who isn't going to treat you like a princess.
Yes, especialy because I started talking to him a little bit before my mom's death, I think this was the main reason.
So my trip was planned in a rather quick way, but I did some mistakes, in comparison the previous trip that had been planned so good, although in a short time too. I paid for going, but doubted about the date of return. And that is good because I have never paid for return, Covid spread fast and thus I have not lost all money.
The first mistake is that I booked my flight with a private flight company with already bad reputation of money return. Just because to make the things easier for him to come, because the other airport was too far and he said it is difficult to go there. My friend told me it is ridiculous for a man to tell this, especially when fast train can get you there in a short time and I could have done everything by myself, but I was feeling broken by time. Then I even booked my stay at a hotel in his district and rather far from central Paris! Another mistake...
However, he seemed glad. One day I messaged him and told that I am not sure about the date of return as I might not have enough money. It was supposed to be a very short visit, not exceeding 4 days. He told me it is not a problem, because he will either pay for the last night or I can spend it at his place. He rented with some guys, although having his own room. From one side he said he cannot leave me alone because he should have gone to work during the day.
But he fast came with a suggestion " Let's do this way: I will pay for 2 nights so that we can spend time just we two, nicely and quiet."
I thought it is not good, just not good because I would stay for a very brief period and had other plans. He had never suggested taking me to a cafe or somewhere, just stating we would go where I want.
One of my good friends was very much against it, for which I am grateful to her. She told it is clearly a hint for sexual intercourse and he is not right. Also because I had never met him and I might not have liked him and we cannot be sure of his reaction in case of my refuse there. And I would have refused because I have my own issues and cannot imagine such intimacy in such a short period with the man I don't really know. She told me she would pay for the night, but only not him. Fortunately, nobody paid and I did not have any additional debts because Covid spread fast and the upcoming end was clear.
At that time I was feeling in loss (due to money loss), a kind of cursed person generally...but later he proved to be so wrong in many ways, not really bad, but not right for me, too selfish and I think even narcissist (this he tried to hide of course).
Only online, either local or distance, but I am not ready yet for real life meeting with someone.
Yes, that guy did not ask for any pics or something of me, like 90 % of men did, but this gesture was not nice, and some others too.
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