View Full Version : Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*
I'm slightly better today.
I’m proud of you - you’re getting through and that’s huge
I'm glad. Are you eating? Drinking? Getting out and about?
Yes, thanks, I'm trying to keep up with my diet.
I have seen my friend today.
Good. I'm really glad lovely. It's so important right now...
(panda)(panda)(panda)(panda)(panda)
sending hugs
Yesterday I thought I cannot cope well enough, but I actually managed to do many things. Although I always think my mum would have done better.
Like Paula said in one of previous threads (and was perfectly right), my current decision might have an important impact on my further life.
It is hard, although I know I can manage it. I want to change my life (at least for a period).
This might seem horrible, but I do not love my Dad and I'm attached more to people here (and others) than to him. But he had not done anything for me so far, neither financially nor emotionally. I do not want to be his and his mom's nanny, nor living with them/him.
My friend warned me to read/translate carefully all acts he wants me to sign.
As for my mom, not a day without thinking about her...
Well, her consciousness was clear nearly till the end.
On Saturday morning (she died on Sunday morning), I asked her how she finds my hair style. She had been a bit numb and said: " Don't worry, the people from funeral agency will arrange it properly." But then her consciousness became clear and she told me: " Oh, no, do not follow what I said. I talked nonsense like pushing you to suicide. No."
She told me before that she has got my mental problems, to seek professional assistance if I needed it. And yes, not everyone, but a caring and loving man will accept me as I am and will help to overcome depression periods. She said she had been the last year more nasty probably because of her mood swings related to her illness and apologized.
That breaks me, I live because I want to leave my country asap.
I didn't know you'd ever told her how bad you were feeling - certainly not about suicidal thoughts....
Sweetheart someone will love you because of who you are. You are an amazingly intelligent, kind, interesting, funny, loving and lovely person - the right person will be honoured to be with you - depression or any other illness or not!
My feelings had been revealed recently in summer or maybe even prior to my London trip.
I agree with Suzi, love, someone will love you for who you are.
I have got an appointment with the psychologist on Saturday.
I cannot forget these last days and her voice.
Jaquaia
23-10-19, 07:58 PM
It will take time. You need to give yourself time to grieve properly lovely
Hunni you haven't even started to deal with your grief yet, you really aren't in the best place to make any huge decisions. You need to work through being kind to you and getting some medical help lovely....
You are right, I'm just too obsessed with the idea of keeping everything right.
Your support means a lot. I'm not judged here for my faux pas, being different and mental disorder, just reminded to care about myself and to apply for professional assistance.
What faux pas? Everyone is different love and everyone has their own issues/baggage and currently dealing with depression isn't anything that anyone should judge you for.
I have been to church today and talked to my confessor.
It has been the first time since...long time ago.
Jaquaia
25-10-19, 11:21 AM
Do you feel better for it?
You know, it helped to a certain extent. Maybe because I know my mom wanted it (when she was alive she always told me that I should attend at least sometimes the religious service). It was done in her memory and because it was our confessor.
I'm glad it helped lovely... That's the most important thing.
OldMike
25-10-19, 03:54 PM
I'm glad it helped, I know it is a cliche "time heals" but it is true, over time the feeling of loss of your mum will be replaced by the joy of having had her in your life.
I have been today to my psychologist and it helped me a lot.
Oh great. What things helped?
I don't know exactly, but I experinced extremely anxiety some days before it.
She admitted that it is good I want changes, and actually it's good that winter time passes before it.
Sorry, she suggests that you wait until after winter before you make big changes? What kind of changes were you talking about?
No.
I told her that I can make big changes as going to another place only after NY, just cannot move now.
She told me it is ok and no need to hurry up, it is enough by now to enjoy the small things I like.
I have to say I totally agree with her. You've the rest of your life, don't make any definite plans whilst you need to work through your grief and get yourself more stable and brighter emotionally...
Couldn't agree with Suzi more sweetie, don't rush, take things one step at a time,
Tomorrow I will head back to work.
But all my efforts went down...Today I've been falling and invaded by a lot of painful memories.
Jaquaia
03-11-19, 08:25 PM
It's still early days and you're still grieving. Be kind to yourself (panda)
That’s not failing, lovely, it’s the reality of grief. Added to any apprehension about returning to work, it’s not really very surprising that today’s been a struggle.
I hope tomorrow goes ok (bear)
Selena, my Dad passed away over 10 years ago and I still get days where I just feel sad and I miss him more than normal.... That's not failing at all. It's being someone dealing with grief.
Hi Selena, I know I am much to late but I do want to send my condoleance (sorry, I do not know the English way of writting it).
I hope you manage to be kind to yourself. You had a rough time and still. I have read your thread and the people here are lovely. But not more or less lovely then you are.
You are lovely too (panda)
Thanks, Mira.
This week apparently passed easily, but at the same time hard.
The colleagues told me I'm looking nice.
By the end of week, I'm feeling exhausted, and I'm partially haunted by the images of the last days of my dying mom. And that is horrible, but I will probably be haunted till the end of my days.
Thats nice to hear from colleagues. And I am sure it was sincere.
The last days with your mom will never leave you. But I am sure that with time it will get easier. And you were there for her. You did all you could. That is worth remembering as a good thing. A loving, caring daughter.
It does get faded over time and you aren't so haunted....
I think your colleagues are right going by your pictures on FB, you do look lovely.
Can you have something lovely to look forward to this weekend?
I can go to a cafe or for a walk.
I am heartbroken again...
Just found my colleague (ex as she had been ill for a couple of months) is seriously ill. She has brian tumor, she underwent surgery 3 months ago, but now the tumor grew again.
Her mother is desperately searching for help to undergo surgery abroad (maybe in Germany).
She is such an angel...cannot believe it
So sorry to hear that. Is there something you can do? Even a small thing like going to visit for a cup of coffee can give her a good time.
Yes, I can translate and ask people to make donations.
She has cancer.
Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Mira has made a lovely suggestion. I’m sure your friend would love to see you, even for a short time
I'm sorry about your friend. My friend has terminal cancer too and it's so hard, but the one thing she's asked for is for people to pop in and see her and to not be sad around her. She's still looking for the joy and the positives around her. Could you do something like that?
Yes, but she is in another city.
But all gathered around her (although virtually some of us).
Virtually is good - it's not the same, but it's much better than not being able to be in instant conversation with her. Things like skype really help in times like this.
I am better thanks, but I've been struggling with missing her all this week.
Today I have been contacted by one of her customers, she wanted to say thank you and invite her to see her house.
She was shocked when I told her. But she mentioned my mom told her she is so proud of me.
Awww bless her for letting you know what your mum said that was so lovely of her x
That must have been lovely to hear
She couldn't have been anything other than proud of you, because you are amazing!
I know it is not easy. But you are doing the best you can. I truly believe you have every reason to be proud of yourself. She was proud of you too.
How are you doing? I was wondering that. And hoping that you are not alone all the time. In times like the one you are going through it would be good to spend time with People.
No, I'm not alone all time.
I have 2 local closer friends, I developed stronger friendship with one of the girls, I had been her mentor when she passed her training in the company.
We can see each other on week-end. But we try to talk daily.
The thing is that everything is related to this place, now I'm not doing exactly well. I'm trying, but I'm permanently being haunted by the image of my dying mom, questioning some things. This can drive me crazy.
I'm so glad you're spending time with your friend lovely. It's great when you have a friend like that.
You can always talk about those things here. Its normal that those image are at the top of your thoughts. Its still all so recent. It takes time. Its important to think what you need to get through these times in a good way.
Its so nice you made a friend and that you talk so much.
It was a hard day today too.
The colleague affected by brain cancer died two days after having arrived in Italy for treatment.
Oh Selena that is so rough. I am sorry for your loss (panda). Is it possible to not be alone the next few days?
Yes, I will be at work tomorrow and will see one or two friends on the upcoming week-end.
Thats good. I think that being alone is not a good fit at the moment. So this is nice. Being around people will help.
(panda) I’m so sorry, lovely
I want to say that I am still haunted by a kind of prohibition.
This extreme religious stuff, maybe a bit of extreme.
There is also one thing: my mum did not usually like the men I like (she might have accepted it, but her "ideal" image was different).
I'm sorry lovely, can you explain your post a bit more for me? I'm not quite sure what you mean by it and I don't want to just make assumptions.... What prohibition? Who is prohibiting it? What religious extreme?
My Mum hated Marc for years, it's only more recently that she tolerates him lol.... It's been a long standing joke for the last 20 years! :)
The people who interpret religion in very strict terms like Westboro church.
My mum herself never promoted hatred against any specific groups. But there are people who try to lecture me what is right and wrong.
This bothers me.
For example, I consider living outside marriage as something normal, they do not.
Are these issues that are affecting your life right now? Is this something you need to worry yourself about now, when you’ve got so much else in your life?
I have a colleague who is extremely religious. When we see each other at weekly professional meeting, she has been always trying to lecture me.
Maybe you should try to let those things go a little. When I think about it this would be how I would like things to be. (because of my mental health sadly I can not)
I like those rings of influance. Where you are in the centre one. The next one bigger is family and close friends. Then are the other people you know and then come the strangers.
The further outwards you get the less you should let them impact you. Or fase you.
You yourself are most important. Your views and Dreams and morale. Then your close friends and family. They can give advice and you value that. And take things to heart.
Until you get to the ring with strangers. What they say is easier to dismiss.i hope I explained it ok.
Mira’s right. This person is not really in your life. Ignore her, let her be bitter and difficult - that’s her problem and she’s the one who should feel bad about what she says
You could always just "smile and nod" or you could just thank her for her opinion and continue carrying on with your life...
How are you feeling now? Hope you will have a good sunday.
Thank you, slightly better. Although I'm still struggling with a bad cold.
Good. But the cold is a shame. It does sound like a good time for some selfcare. Keeping nice and warm. Some nice tea with maybe some honey.
Thank you, the tea is already prepared.
Sounds great. Any other plans for today?
It is a little bit cold for going out...
But I should in order to buy some food and other necessary home items. No walking scheduled with friends for today...
Yes, its awesome that you can do that. I live in an old fashioned part of Holland. Everything here is shut down on a sunday.
A shame you can not go for a walk with friends. Maybe call a friend or have a chat. So you are not alone all day?
In terms of real life - I'm alone today.
In that case I am sending you a whole bunch of (panda)(panda)(panda)
Morning... Here we use a hot lemon and honey for sore throats etc and it's magical ;)
Sorry you aren't feeling fab, can you have a self care day where you do things that make you rested?
OldMike
24-11-19, 09:29 AM
Selena hope your cold soon gets better in the meantime I'll send you virtual hugs and my love (bear) (bear) (panda)
Thank you so much, of course a cup of tea in a cold day seems to be the best solution ever.
Hi, I hope the day is going to be good for you. And that your throat cleared up a bit or is healed completely.
How are you feeling today?
Thank you, I'm feeling better.
The day was hard, but I met by accident two friends on my way home.
Strugglingmum
25-11-19, 05:46 PM
Glad you're feeling better, andvits always lovely to bump into friends. X
You are doing your best. And in these times thats a great thing. I hope you enjoyed the time with your friends.
Glad you bumped into friends lovely. Maybe next time you could think about going with them for a coffee or a drink or something?
So glad you’ve had a better day
OldMike
26-11-19, 08:30 AM
Meeting friends or people you know (or even those you don't) and having a chat is always fun.
How has today been for you?
Yesterday and today I think I have been feeling better.
Busy days...
Today a very young man, my summer customer came to the office. His mother has the same cancer as mine, only diagnosed later.
He said she is a bit tired but better. I decided not to tell him the truth as this could only discourage and upset him, as he proved to be such a good son, having left his work in Germany just to be by her side, although he has elder brother.
That's always hard. What truth did you not decide to tell him?
That my mum died...he asked how my mom is. Not now at least... maybe if he comes again.
I can see why you would do that. But over the years I have seen that the same diagnosis can have a totaly different outcome or path.
In the end its best to do what you feel is right.
I agree with Mira. Different outcomes with the same diagnosis, but I can understand why you didn't want to tell them...
Hey, you have been silent. How are you doing?
Hi, yes, it is a kind of period of regrets and reflections, considering major decisions...
The winter holidays are near and it is the saddest period this year.
Why the saddest time lovely?
What are the decisions you are talking about?
I think because sometimes I remember something and want to ask my mom, either to tell her, then realize she is not here anymore.
I feel the need to live somehwere abroad, at least for some time in the upcoming year and maybe to give my dad a chance...
Give your Dad a chance? Really? I thought that he didn't treat you very well at all....
What would you do, for work?
I think thats normal. To have those thoughts and reactions as if your mother is still there.
Is seeking out your father a way of coping or replacing your mother? You are a smart woman. And if you think about your situation and what you would like to do I am sure you will find your way. But don't make rash decisions please.
Yes, I have thought about it today and maybe it will be better to take it easier.
Yes, I have thought about it today and maybe it will be better to take it easier.
That sounds sensible
I think it sounds sensible too lovely....
OldMike
03-12-19, 11:08 PM
Hi, yes, it is a kind of period of regrets and reflections, considering major decisions...
The winter holidays are near and it is the saddest period this year.
Christmas can often highlight the loss of friends a family, it will get easier over time.
Avoid making decisions with undue haste and decide what you really want to do.
It is so weird but I'm feeling an orphan although I have a dad who is alive.
Well with how your father has been to you in the past I do not find it weird at all. I think it reflects your feelings in a correct way. My situation with my father is different. I never met him. But he lives less then an hour away. But still we never talked or met. So to me its like he is not there. It is different but I can understand how and why you feel this way. And your feelings are ok.
Oh sweetheart (panda)(bear)(panda)(bear)
Jaquaia
04-12-19, 10:14 PM
(panda)
Thank you, everybody.
Mira, sorry to learn about the situation with your dad. Maybe it will be worth meeting him one day. Sorry for interfering, I don't really know your situation.
My boss asked me today if I'm not going somewhere abroad.
No need to say sorry. I was thinking a lot about going to see him but so far it has not come of it. He is getting on in age so if I wanted to do it I should do it sooner then later.
What did you anwser your boss?
Have you been talking to her saying that you might be?
I just said "Not yet". She is afraid of losing me because I'm the only sworn translator from English into her company.
I'm not surprised she's worried about losing you - you are awesome!
What she says or think is irrelevant, what matters is what you want. However, you already know I think you’d be wise to wait before making any decisions .....
Hi, any plans for the weekend? How are you doing?
I am fine, thanks.
I am feeling slightly better, although I spent it alone. Nobody in the city. Of course, I have talked to the local friends over phone, have been to cafe and having done some other things about the house.
I have talked to my dad over phone. My first feeling was joy...because he is my dad, don't know...He was worried and told that his mother is often ill.
He asked me general questions, also when I come...and about the apartment and its sale price. I don't really know myself and I'm unwilling to do something in a hurry now.
Good to hear you are doing slightly better. And its ok you spend it alone. As long as you are ok with it. You have been busy at least.
You said your first feeling was joy while talking to your father. Did it change at any time?
And I think you do know yourself but maybe you are still shaken up by what happened. It is a major event and you deserve time to grief and find yourself again. So I do think its good you are not doing something in a hurry right now.
Do you feel that he's rushing you into this?
Yes, maybe. He and my boss are like two opposites trying to push me where they want.
Would you judge me as not kind, willing to see my Dad later and maybe to get vacation somewhere else?
Not at all! You deserve to be happy and you've been under so much pressure with your Grandmother and your Mother that I think a holiday would be a positive step...
Absolutely not. You deserve some space.
Erm, I have to ask, but is there even the tiniest chance your dad is looking for a career for his mum?
Paula,maybe not exactly, but this idea came to my mind too.
He has told me during our conversation that he has to go fast home...as his mom did not reply on phone. Everything was ok in the end.
I asked him why his girlfriend cannot help, it is so simple just to find out what happened to the old lady...He said that this is so.
Sweetheart nothing good has come of you spending time with your dad love... I really think you need to put what YOU want first for a change...
Thank you. I'm slowly and sometimes with difficulties passing through the end of this horrible year (except London trip).
My dad has not got in touch with me so far. Unfortunately, you and some other even unknown people got more interest about my life/my day than him.
That's really sad. He's missing out on the most lovely, intelligent, kind woman who he should be proud to call a daughter. Please tell me that you're not planning on going to live with him? You deserve better, you know that!
No, not going to do anything yet, it is a very serious decision.
Good idea, give yourself some time to find your own way. That would be a better starting point to see what you want to do.
It is, and you are worth so much more!
How are you doing? And I was wondering if you have plans for christmas and new year?
Slowly, but fine, thanks.
No plans besides attendance of maybe a concert. Everybody with the family here.
Do you have friends who are on their own too?
Most (from a few) are single, but they have parents and/or siblings, so not completely single.
But could you join one of them if you wanted?
Or do something completely different? When I was at uni I volunteered at a homeless center and actually I had a brilliant Christmas....
The thing is that most of people here celebrate Christmas on another date (Russian Christmas like a way to define it), but December 25 is an official holiday.
As for volunteering, I am afraid no places for 'concrete' volunteering, although every year I leave some food for old people at the Catholic local center.
That's really kind of you x
Hi Selena, I have been thinking of you and hope you are doing ok. You are such a special person (bear)
I hope you’re able to have a peaceful day today, lovely
Thank you.
Yes, a quite peaceful day anyway.
I have been today to church and saw a friend in the morning.
So glad that you're having a lovely day hunni x Happy Christmas!
Hope you've had a good day Selena...is it snowy where you are??
Not really...a very warm winter this year indeed.
But I am glad because I am feeling like I hate winter this year.
(bear) Your photos on FB look lovely hunni. Looks like you've been having a really peaceful day...
Happy New Year to everybody!
I must admit the period of Christmas- New Year holiday has been very tough for me.
I am very low again and cried all my tears, missing my mom and having regrets. I think I should see the doctor as soon as she returns from holiday and I get my wage.
I’m sorry that you have been feeling bad. I do empathise with you Selena x
I am not really practicing Christian (attending the service once per month just in the memory of my mom).
Now feeling confused about all this religious stuff, if I can imagine a prayer, I would pray just no more losses for me, as anyway I do not want to be the third after my grandma and mom (too soon in a row). I can get that everybody is going to die one day, but everything seems to me chaotic now.
Why do you think you’ll be the third?
My mental condition and superstitions...it seems like a fear, a fear of being cursed...
Sweetheart you have depression and you have anxiety - none of that is going to end your life lovely..... What superstitions? Why on earth would you think you are cursed?
I think certain things are caused by some people meeting me and wondering a lot about losing both my mum and grandma one after each other (but they acually know nothing about my family).
And it is also due to that I had to deal alone with all grief and my mother's anxiety prior to her death.
These images are hunting me again and again. I am feeling low and useless because I cannot overcome this by myself and I'm all in tears again and again ...
Dear Selena you are grieving and some of what you are feeling is natural. I have recently had feelings about death too as three people that I have known have died recently and I have to go to two funerals in January. I am a Christian and God would not want us to suffer and worry about our own mortality. He loves us Christian or not and wants us to be with him in his kingdom but not yet. You are young and healthy and you will not die yet x
Hi Selena, I am sorry you are going through this. You did go through a lot. And it is coming out. The time your mum was not well was long and that will leave a mark.
Losing loved ones so close together is not easy for anyone. But do not beat yourself up for not being able to overcome this alone. First thing that comes to mind is that this will take time. So please give that to yourself. And you have depression and anxiety. So going to ask for help is not only 100% ok. It is a great idea. And I would support that.
Hunni, are you have counselling?
Hunni, you're being way too harsh on yourself. My brother in law and my Dad passed away within 3 months of each other. That's nothing on my Sister or on me or on anyone else. It is what happens sometimes and it's totally shi(, but it is nothing like a curse. It's the first Christmas and New Year without them standing by your side.... It's totally part of grief to be upset and emotional....
Can you get grief counselling love? You've been through so much and you need to understand that what you are feeling is totally expected....
Thank you everybody for supportive and kind words.
I think I will get an appointment with the specialist who helped me in the first days after her death.
That's a really good idea lovely x
Hey, lovely, it’s been a while. How are you?
I too was wondering how you are doing too...
Thank you. I am active at work, but sincerely I am still very depressed and anxious because of my mom's loss.
Jaquaia
22-01-20, 06:20 PM
That's understandable lovely. Are you having counselling?
It hasn't been long love. Give yourself time. You've had 2 serious losses in a short space of time. Grief takes time.
You are perfectly right, but it is still very hard.
I am still waiting for my wage to go to the private specialists.
I know it's hard lovely... I hope it all goes through to the private specialist soon.
Any idea when that’ll happen?
It will be the next week. My boss has been rather nasty again, saying that the employees have no right to drink coffee at work, this they can do home! It seems she will never grasp the lesson of losing while treating badly the people who actually contributed to her gain of money...
My ex colleague, with which I have a rather good relation, confessed that her new job is worse than this one. Not so much choice...
Well, I do my job and that is all...I feel better in the office, because it helps me a little to get away from the bad thoughts and dark melancholy.
But I am feeling I need anyway to try going somewhere abroad for a while, because it will probably never get easier again...
What do you think will never get easier?
You were thinking of doing something on your own rather than working for someone - is that still an option?
No...it will be hard to cope in current economic situation in my country.
OK... Are you thinking about going for a holiday or to live? Where?
I am not sure, but near my dad..at least this. I have to admit that I have failed to an extent, being overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts.
Near your Dad? Why? You've never had anything positive from him love?
You haven't failed at all! You are poorly and you are grieving....
I am not feeling here in complete security.
I do not know...maybe because have no other ideas yet.
You don't feel safe? At risk of hurting yourself or something else?
You have definitely not failed. You’ve suffered two massive losses and anybody would struggle in your shoes.
The risk of suffering a massive nervous breakdown and I am afraid of the people like my stepdad trying to call or bother me.
Why do you think they would?
No. thank God.
My mum had been very anxious about it, but the notary assured me all legal papers are in order, so there are no concerns.
Sorry, which legal papers? Divorce papers?
No, the donation agreement of my mother into which I was mentioned as her only legal heir.
Now I have panic attacks, because I want to sell the apartment and I should do everything alone.
Is it worth keeping the apartment? At least until you are settled elsewhere?
I think no...the cost of renting is too low.
Sweetheart, breathe. You don’t know yet what you’re going to do so one step at a time. You’re not alone in this, we are here for you. But we need to know, clearly, what you’re thinking, lovely
I have been passing through a hard time, when I often see my mum in a dream...like she were alive.
But I decided to take a city break this spring and visit Paris for a few days.
I think that seeing your Mum is all part of the grieving process. I would often see my Mum ( deceased) in a dream talking and moving about. Unfortunately she had died.
OldMike
15-02-20, 02:17 PM
I too see mum and dad in my dreams even though many of years have passed.
I agree, I think it's part of the grieving process too...
I also think the idea of a short city break sounds brilliant.
My boss made some reforms in the way of payment and everybody is in minus anyway. I am less affected than the others because I am a sworn translator, but still affected...
After these reforms, I have got one thing: that I can afford only one trip for sure. Yes, I am willing to relocate, but there are some things to do and think carefully.
A trip to my dad seems to be too expensive as there are no direct flights and it will be hard for me to stay in the same flat with his mum.
So if he can send me the money, it is good, then he will have to wait.
I decided to choose Paris because I wanted to visit it for a long time and also there is a man who I want to see there.
A man? Where did you meet him?
I wrote about him (just a little!) last autumn.
I met him in internet (although not on a dating site). There is a distance between us.
We started communicating around two months before my mom's death. He found kind and supportive words. No promises (related to love) from his side. There is some chemistry between us, but the distance made it hard. The communication has not been so regular.
He told me he can show me the city, accompany me. That is all for now...
Do you only know that one man?
Would you expect promises of love when you aren't in regular contact? Will be be careful?
There are no other connections in Paris.
No, but I confess that after my mom's death I had been over emotional and told his some stupid things. He said he likes me too, but stopped me, saying that he is unwilling to profit of my condition.
He promised he will meet me at the airport and will be by my side if I come.
Just please be careful because he could be anyone....
I have mixed feelings about it...
Of course, I will be careful...
There is nothing to complain really about...but I wish he were more attentive.
He was delighted first, but a little sceptical about the distance between us.
There is also a kind of my "inner conflict".
In my country, there is more traditional principle "the man should pay nearly for everything". And my local friends probably will be upset, if it is not the case.
I was raised only by my mom and rather independent myself regardless of the difficulties. That is true that internet relationship and/or friendship can turn to be different in reality.
I think that the woman should pay herself for accomodation and feeling comfortable about it.
I do not know however about the local city transport fees, food expenses or charges for visiting a certain place (like museum).
I do not feel comfortable to ask anyone. If it was a female friend, I would say I return if I don't have this sum or on my card.
But I cannot stay silent, if he suggests something and I cannot pay or it will be for me too expensive.
I think it depends. If you are going at his invitation then I'd expect him to at least pay some, if not all. But if you are going on a holiday and meeting up with him for a day or so then no, I would expect you to pay. If you don't have the money for something then you should be able to say that you can't pay for it. Anyone who cares about you should understand and not be difficult about it. You don't have to spend money to spend time with someone and get to know each other.
It is just a short city break and of course I will tell the truth if something.
The thing is that I had planned a trip to Paris even before starting communicating with him. But it became impossible last year.
Spring time is fine for me.
This evening I have been really upset of the words told by one of my local friends, or better saying "so called friend".
It is sad when people try to make us live the life they want us to or according to their principles.
It is good to be worried about a friend, especially in connection with a man I've got emotionally attached to.
But in this case there are some borders.
She said that "this man cannot be your destiny/other half because his academic background is lower than yours. Think better about your dad".
I regret revealing to her some things. Ok, he did not attend university, but he has (despite the distance I can assume this) good hands with fixing things and cars, he graduated from a technical college. He cooks well, better than me. He admires my linguistics skills and literary style, I am impressed by his other skills.
That is true I can be wrong or we can just remain friends.
"Think about your dad" - this deeply hurt me. My dad is not hers...and I am not going to be his servant, even if I live in the same house.
I agree that education has nothing to do with whether 2 people are suited and to say that someone is somehow ‘less’ because have different skills and life experiences is wrong. (Ftr, I was a straight A student but never went to university because my life went in a different direction.)
However, it’s ok to disagree with a friend’s views on a subject without damaging that friendship - especially as, in this case, she’s probably just concerned for your wellbeing
Marc and I have very different academic backgrounds I have good GCSE's, A Levels, A degree, Qualified Teacher Status, further qualifications etc Marc? He has none of those things, but he's one of the smartest guys I know!
I agree with Paula though I don't think it's worth hurting a friendship over. She obviously cares about you.
Yes, indeed, she is a very good friend and has been very supportive all time after my mom's death. She is a bit idealist about a parental relationship. However, she told me I am like a sister to her. She is really upset if I am saddened bout something.
She called me this evening and apologized telling that is not so much about education level and she has nothing against him either, just always a bit concerned about me.
As for the man, he had been by my side (although at distance) after my mom's death, but of course it is more about a kind of romantic connection between us.
Both of them, in fact, do matter to me.
That's a really positive post! :)
in fact, I am very emotional but also anxious due to the upcoming trip.
Have you booked it? When are you going?
Do you know why you are emotional? Are you still seeing your therapist?
I am going to do this in the following days (this week). But everything has been planned.
Either by end of March or beginning of April.
I had a few sessions, but this is again up to my next salary.
I think generally, post-grief, but mostly...about first seeing him in real life...
You’ve been through a lot, hunni. I think seeing your therapist is wise
About meeting him.... I cannot fake, I am emotional, anxious etc etc....but I am spontaneous, so he will see me as I am.
On the last Friday of March.
That sounds great, how long are you away for?
It will be around 4-5 days, just a short city break.
I am struggling with my anxiety and think that he might be upset about me, if finds out about my depression.
First, why would he be upset? Second, he doesn’t have to know, hunni, you’ll only just have met
If you do tell him that you have been dealing with depression and he has a problem with it then he isn't the right person for you lovely. It is that simple...
I have talked to my dad this morning. He so deeply offended and hurt me that I have no words to describe how devastated I am...
I was recommended to undergo additional treatment after some complications caused by flu.
Yes, I can borrow from my friend, but I decided to try calling my dad and ask him to borrow some money. I fact, he had never paid anything to me.
But...he started shouting that I have been postponing the sale of my appartment and moving to his place...
Then he told me to sell the flat and thus I can pay anything. That is rather rude. His mother's voice could have been heard too.
I am ashamed to be his daughter.
I'm sorry love...
What complications and treatments do you have/need?
I hope you're not planning on moving in with him?
Fortunately not something quite serious, some respiration problems after flu. I hoped he will suggest one of the medical centers near him, by Baltic Sea side.
But I have never expected such a sense of egoism anyway.
Not now for sure...
I hope you decide not to move in with him, lovely, he appears to have only ever caused you pain?
No. This time I have been deeply hurt. I do not get why he should rush me to sell the apartment, it is not his property in fact.
The apartment is your security, nobody has the right to force you to give that up
I got very desperate after this discussion, I even thought that the only people loving me are in Heaven. But, logically thinking, my father showed his true face, he left even his second daughter who was ill in childhood...
You've never had anything to say about him having a positive influence on your life.... I really think it sounds like you're better off without him - certainly not living with him...
After this discussion with my dad, I am feeling very low not sure even if I want to see Paris, if I want to see my online man...
I want of course, but I have mental problems, I am affected by Cushings and I am not the smiling flirty girl. He is the opposite - very stable and strong emotionally, fit and very smiling/flirty. I remember the first time skyping with him- his smile seemed to brighten up my whole room and filling my heart with positivism (he is very optimist).
However, although our connection involves romantic feelings, he seems not to be sure about a very serious relationship and engagements. But he has never lied or promised something unreal about future together etc.
Hunni, you are putting so much pressure on yourself and on him for this to be a perfect meeting and all romantic. Hunni, you need to be kind and gentle and go with an open mind for friendship - you may get there and hate the way he eats or blows his nose or something....
Your words are so wise, Suzi...
Meanwhile, I was told by a friend to wear mask at the airport and even in the plane.
I think that might be an over reaction! I've friends who live in France and they are travelling around quite normally!
I've been already disappointed by everything and ill.
Not so much good news...
My dad called me and told me not to go now to his place (I did not even intend!) in order not to kill him and his mom with coronovirus.
Here the people are in panic and a nurse told me if the situation does not change, it will be better for me to remain there where I intend to go.
That's ridiculous of him! Sweetheart you deserve so much better than him! I'm so angry that he thinks it's OK to say things like that to you!
Do you have many cases of coronavirus near you?
Not a case officially registered, but people fear it could be, because some many local people work in Italy.
Sweetheart I'm sorry, but really this isn't something that you have to put your life on hold for....
Sorrry, I’m going to be blunt. This outbreak is an important world event, yes, but flu kills (according to WHO) up to 650,000 a year. So, imho, as you wouldn’t put your life on hold for a flu outbreak, why should you for this Coronavirus, which has killed a tiny fraction of these numbers?
I feel the need to relocate...somewhere...for some time after losing my mom and grandma one after each other. Too fast and I cannot be strong anymore.
Sometimes I regret of not having booked this trip to the UK, at least I have friendly people there.
This man, he offered me some support, kindness, tenderness. But maybe I am wrong...it is not enough...but what to expect from him, since he is a Tunisian and Muslim....
I am feeling so guilty because I criticized him, but only now I read his message and he saved me a couple of times from suicidal thoughts after my mom's death.
He is hard-working and caring and I like this. Of course, that he was by my side after my mom's death. The day of her funeral- I will never forget, I returned broken and he did everything to make me feel better, his mom's birthday was on that day.
We started communicating some time before. And my mom approved him despite his religion.
Breathe, calm down. You are overthinking this. Paris is beautiful, you’ll have a wonderful time. And we all take risks when it comes to relationships, you won’t know if anything is to come of this unless you meet him - so go, and find out!
Paula's totally right! :)
I am very anxious...we have here mass hysterics, fights, thefts and more contamination cases...
I can understand the anxiety.... All you can do is take reasonable precautions and be sensible I think. You don't have things like severe heart disease or respiratory disease?
No.
We will stay here closed (no work) till April 1.
You shouldn't be in one of the "high risk" categories - well not the ones we've been listed... As long as you are sensible then you should be OK from what I understand...
As you know, my mom died in September 2019.
After this, I have been talking to a man who I had got to know some time before and actually mommy blessed this choice before her death.
His presence, even at distance, encouraged me to go further. Yes, we have passed through some moments of uncertainty too.
By the end of January, I paid for a city break in Paris, just a few days. Several days at the hotel (I wanted to be independent and paid for myself) and flight to Paris. The return flight has not been luckily paid due to some other reasons.
Meanwhile, some weeks ago I started to have bad nightmares with my mommy very concerned and crying at me: "I died so that you can go on and live!" I cried again and again, because this started hunting me nearly every night. Then I saw myself getting out of the dirt and not even touching dirty surfaces of land.
I wanted to book the trip on March 7, closer to my birthday, but thought it to be a bit cold, so changed my mind and booked on March 27.
The nightmares stopped when the flights were prohibited. Yes, many told me I've been lucky not to get stuck there.
Now in self-isolation in my native city till May 15. The number of cases is increasing, but there are recovery cases too. He is in Paris, has stopped working today, I am worried for him either, but now we can meet only by late autumn. I question myself about the future of our relationship. I am afraid that he can break it, although no signs. While I am in a financial loss. My mistake, and not trying to be egoist, just feeling lack of his attention....sometimes I am angry with him.
I am not depressed or suicidal now, but pretty anxious, have not been admitted even to the cemetery, everything closed.
Hunni, are you still talking to him?
What relationship do you want to have with him?
Is it because you have feelings for him or just because he's someone you are talking to?
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