View Full Version : Selena on the Way to Wonderland *SH TRIGGERS*
That's understandable, but sweetheart this is YOUR life and YOUR choices to make..
I am wondering. How do you feel about all these things yourself? What is your gut feeling?
When I look at you I see a smart woman. A woman that likes to think about things. A woman that is in no way selfish and cares about people. About your mother. You have a lot to give. But I also see uncertainty, shyness, and doubt. Maybe it would be a nice thing to see and look into your gut feelings. See if they can surface a bit more and help guide you?
You know, some things changed after my last trip and I think that is right.
The sessions at psychologist and the challenge I've overcome so far made a big difference.
Sometimes I'm afraid myself of what does happen to me.
I'm not so afraid of men like i used to and well, now opener to dating and even to the perspective intimate relation with someone I can trust and develop friendship. I also do not consider premarital sex as a sin, this nearly brought me to conflict with one of my local friends (and colleague). I decided to close this subject with her.
I cannot please her. Nor my mom's aspirations either for my future BF. Maybe I can make mistakes, just want to be finally me, myself.
That’s all anyone should be :)
That is definitely all you should be lovely
OldMike
07-07-19, 09:46 AM
Just be yourself that's all anyone can ask of you.
I realize that I should work, I mean attend more sessions maybe.
Because it is really hard for me to trust a man who I'm supposed to date.
Jaquaia
07-07-19, 01:52 PM
Trust comes as you get to know them better
Sweetheart Jaq is right it all comes as you date them longer...
Are you trying to date nearer home or are you doing online dating from all over the world?
Closer to home or just discussing in groups with general shared interests.
Not too active though. But trust is definitely an issue in my case.
magie06
07-07-19, 04:31 PM
Trust really doesn't had overnight. When you enter a relationship, you should just enjoy getting to know one another. Trust will come, but it's more important to get to know one another first.
The thing is not only about the distance. Maybe you can judge better as mothers of daughters.
My mom is mostly against that I get into something serious with someone not Christian. That this is a sin and can have consequences.
What kind of sin if I will always be Christian? My idea of being a Christian is different from my mother's...I cannot repair it or be different.
One of my good local friends gets married. Her husband is an Atheist, so they will not have a religious wedding ceremony. But he deeply respects her values. Even my confessor is not so strict.
Sometimes it's tough. Once I start getting closer to someone and...suddenly there are some obstacles.
I’m a Christian and Si’s not. I wish it was different but it doesn’t affect how I feel about him. It is hard sometimes, but we’ve been together over 20 years and work through any problems together.
As for sin? Well, God wants a relationship with each one of us, and we’re sinners ......
I'm a Christian and Marc's not. I do understand that some would see that as a sin, but I don't really follow the whole idea of sin when it comes to something like this. I am quite sure that God spreads love. Love from him to me, from me to him and between people. Surely love is love and being happy is what's more important?
My parents weren't happy that we didn't get married in a Church, but our vicar has no issues and says that our marriage is very blessed.
Sorry to burt in like this. I hate narrow minded thoughts. No matter who expresses them. I try to love all. Christians, muslims, different nationalities, every gender no matter what.
What does it matter if someone is religious or not? Is it not love that matters? There is evil and good in every group. There are many atheïsts that could be saints and religious people that could be called sinners.
I would only "judge" your partner on if he loves you and treat you right. For me its that simple.
Sorry to burt in like this. I hate narrow minded thoughts. No matter who expresses them. I try to love all. Christians, muslims, different nationalities, every gender no matter what.
What does it matter if someone is religious or not? Is it not love that matters? There is evil and good in every group. There are many atheïsts that could be saints and religious people that could be called sinners.
I would only "judge" your partner on if he loves you and treat you right. For me its that simple.
This post is AWESOME!
I'm really really nervous.
My mom often complains of weakness and fever. She always anyway tries do about the house in my absence.
This thought of death makes me crazy and leaves me totally worn out, without any inner peace.
I'm just left breathless.
Do you think a psychologist will help me to get the things milder, to get calmer? I mean private sessions.
But not any specialist can deal with this aspect. I told her about this.
She told me instead that I can go to church and confess there...
In these moments, I'm feeling lost and I hate myself for not being able to change anything. Absolutely.
My realtion with God (better saying prayer) is confusing and complicated. I just want to hurt my hand or fingers, this is like a nervous reaction.
Why are you wanting to hurt yourself?
Sweetheart I hate to be blunt, but I'm quite sure your Mum is talking about these things because she knows you don't like it and find it hard to deal with and also keeps you closer to her - I know you were talking of planning your next trip (to Paris?) - Could it be that she is trying to make you stay with her?
Yes counselling can help with fear of death etc..
I don't really know about her reasons, but there are days when she feels worse.
As for counselling, waiting is definitely too long ...so I should maybe consider renewing private sessions.
I think that sounds like a very good idea! Make them regular - every week if you can and you'll be able to really work through things.
I definitely think you should get counselling urgently - if that means paying for it, you should. Sweetie, things are not getting any better for you, and won’t until you do something proactive to help yourself.....
OldMike
13-07-19, 01:41 PM
Providing they're not too expensive Selena you should consider having some private sessions (panda)
Jaquaia
21-07-19, 12:55 PM
You're quiet...
I was wondering how things were too...
The things are better and worse at the same time. It depends, maybe a reflection/waiting time.
I certainly consider doctor's assistance. Now it's a big holiday time here, so many specialists will return by the end of summer.
My mom's general condition got more fragile. She gets tired faster and her general condition is rather low. I accompany her to church just because she wants me to be there.
Have you lost your faith, sweetie?
Not absolutely, but I have hard moments of frustration and questioning everything.
That’s not surprising, given everything you’ve gone through
All this situation makes me desperate and developing suicidal thoughts...
I have to go to work and well, knowing that her condition got worse, this drives me in some moments crazy.
I'm afraid that one day I return home and find her dead. I don't say that there are only bad people around, but in fact I'm absolutely alone.
My mental condition is on the edge. I'm trying to draw up a list of what to do after, but it's not easy at all to keep my mind cold. I don't want to show my tears before other people, before hypocrites...
All legal stuff was done, but it doesn't make the things easier. She talked yesterday with my Dad. He promised that I'm welcome there anytime. even if I want to move there after her death. He asked her to keep strong.
Then she told me:" Maybe I made a mistake when I divorced him. Now it's certainly he is worried about me even after many years. I was just thinking at that time his feelings had not been enough strong".
Last year we buried grandma. I cannot imagine live this again, although I should be prepared.
Sweetheart you will NEVER be prepared for losing your parent - no matter how long you knew they were ill. You have to stop beating yourself up and allow yourself to feel....
OldMike
22-07-19, 02:27 PM
Selena you can never be prepared to lose a loved one, I've lost both my parents and it takes time to get over that, it isn't easy but you get there in the end, looking back at my parents it really brings a smile to my lips like the time mum and dad went out under the cover of darkness with a wheelbarrow to *cough* steal some rocks from round a wooded area where I used to live so they could make a rock garden (giggle)
Selena you'll have many memories of your mum hang on to those precious memories your loved ones may have left this earth but they're still with you if that makes sense.
It is true, but it is hard for me to see her suffer, generally to see anyone in pain...
I saw my brother in law and my Dad get progressively ill and then pass away... It was horrible, but nothing I could do could prepare me for how I felt after... It is hard seeing anyone in pain or upset, but you can get through it.
Hi, hope everyone is fine.
Please keep me in your prayers, I've had a very tough week....
Allalone
09-08-19, 06:14 PM
(panda)
Finally this week came to an end.
My mom was admitted again to hospital. Everything was scheduled and she is feeling better.
However, her doctor mentioned anyway illness progression.
She is in rather good mood, but I'm upset.
Oh sweetheart (panda) What did they say?
They started to give her Tramadol (although not often) and put her on some drips.
Actually she went for a walk in the hospital yard.
Her main doctor pointed out that they cannot heal her, but maybe can make symptoms or life generally a bit easier.
Is it cancer that she has lovely?
Has it spread or do you know what stage it is?
It's MT stage, it was 3rd before, but now it's more spread...
Spread to where? What have the doctors said? Are you getting any support from your friends/anyone else?
Liver and it's probably lung Mt.
The doctors said she is in the stage to receive stronger drugs.
There are good people around. But no really close persons.
So is she back at home? Do you have any charities which can help support you through this? It's hideous watching someone you love get iller and iller.... We have Macmillan who provide nurses, therapists etc etc Might be worth looking around? You can't be the only person in this position....
She will probably be back on Monday.
We have one hospice (charity financed by foreign organization).
I called them around 2 weeks ago. They seemed nice and trained. She said it will be better not to leave till the end when the person is dying on the last stage.
They will examine her at home. We can agree so that they come and put her on the drip, but usually people go to hospice where all conditions are fulfilled.
My mom refused by that time.
We talked about it because she wanted me to keep full-time work as it provides normal financial support. We cannot let it no matter who and see her on pain that's horrible. Dying home or there...it is a tough choice. But there are no other persons who can take care of her than those from hospice.
We'll talk following her return back.
(panda)(bear)
I know how hard it is lovely.... (panda)
OldMike
11-08-19, 08:37 AM
(bear) (panda)
Thank you.
The good news she is feeling better today! She ate something.
Maybe she will be tomorrow at home.
But I need psychological assistance anyway, as her doctor told me there are no guarantees and her condition might go down at any moment.
You really do need to get some support for you lovely. What about grief counselling?
I am afraid the local psychologists do not have such a separate sector, but the ones I asked - replied they can work on this tough matter either.
Could any of these groups help? http://www.cancer-support.eu/cancer-resources/national-resources/romania
Thank yu for the link, I'll check it. Although only I am a citizen of Romania, but she is not.
I was looking at getting you some help and support lovely...
You do need support, hunni, you can’t manage this alone. Do you want your mum to go into the hospice?
I don't want, really happy to see her at home.
We agreed that if she feels worse, she will decide to go there.
I think that's a good idea. I know that the hospice that my Dad was in was so lovely. It was a really positive and wonderful place.
The people here care about you. Thats why they want to help.
If you have support and someone there for you it will give you more strenght to support and care for your mum.
Yes, indeed, the support here and from the people who care really does matter.
Cancer is so harsh, it destroys everything.
It is harsh... But you can get through this and you can be happy....
I have a question.
Do you think it is fine for me to go to Paris or other part for a few days this autumn?
Not egoist?
Jaquaia
13-08-19, 09:45 PM
You still need time to yourself, to do something nice for you
Sweetheart none of us can make that decision - it depends on how you feel and how ill your Mum is etc?
Jaquaia
13-08-19, 10:07 PM
Do the travel agents near you offer cheap last minute deals? We have a lot that do that in the UK. Maybe you can books a last minute deal if you're happy with how your mum is at the timr
I have a question.
Do you think it is fine for me to go to Paris or other part for a few days this autumn?
Not egoist?
Only you and your mum can answer that question although you have to consider the financial cost if you have to cancel last minute. Jaq’s idea is a good one
Thank you for suggestion, I should check it.
The situation became so hard, my OCD and anxiety got worse either.
The doctors told me the situation is bad and me being at work within the week, I cannot cope with everything, I'm feeling so low. Every day my mom struggles with severe pains, but she refuses to take morphine or apply to hospice services.
Jaquaia
01-09-19, 01:19 PM
Why aren't you talking to us lovely? You don't need to leave it until you feel like you're at breaking point to come and talk to us.
Have you got any support? Are there maybe support groups for family members of cancer sufferers?
I really wanted to, just had been stuck, maybe not expecting these harsh moments would develop so suddenly.
I am a member of international Cholangocarcinoma group on FB, they are very helpful.
Jaquaia
01-09-19, 01:45 PM
She will have her good days along with the bad, but it's important that you look after yourself too lovely. Keep talking. Cancer is a cruel disease but it can help to know you're not alone (panda)
Sweetheart you don't have to deal alone, we're here and we really care about you.
The doctors are suggesting you don't work? Then what happens about money?
OldMike
01-09-19, 02:52 PM
(bear) (panda)
They suggested taking her to hospice after a while, if the situation becomes harder.
She agreed to apply for Morphine, at least some good news.
Strugglingmum
01-09-19, 03:42 PM
(panda)(panda)
I'm sorry things have got worse so quickly. I'm glad your mum has agreed to pain relief. Hopefully it will help, although she may be a bit more sleepy with it. Can you get any practical help at home?
Not too much, but I'm trying to do my best.
Will she not think about going to the hospice for a while? I know that the hospice my Dad went to was so valuable for him, but also for those caring for him....
I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.
I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease.
But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.
In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...
Jaquaia
04-09-19, 09:27 PM
I've added a trigger warning lovely.
Stop and take a deep breath. You know what we say here, if it affects you then it matters. Your mum being ill doesn't mean that your suffering suddenly becomes irrelevant. It doesn't mean that you can't resent her when she makes those vile comments. You're human lovely, not a robot, and it's ok to find all this incredibly difficult. And you've not failed in your private life, it just hasn't happened yet.
Take a deep breath.
Can you try and do something nice for you every evening?
I'm feeling so bad, so depressed, I'm fed up with my work, with my boaa, with my current place, with my f...g life, with my mom's disease, with the fact that I've failed in my private life.
You haven't "failed" in your private life at all! You've been spending so much time and energy taking care of all those around you and trying to be the perfect daughter etc that you haven't had enough space to meet anyone properly!
I know that is nothing in comparison with my mom's sufferings, but this is just the way I'm feeling, that I'm useless and cannot stop the process of disease.
Of course it's important how you are feeling! You cannot give every waking moment to work and caring for your Mum, no one can. Sweetheart if all of medical science can't stop the disease progressing then you have to see that it isn't anything to do with you being "useless" at all! You are far from useless.
But that's ME. I just want to cut my fingers, my veins, to take something, and also fear that one day a customer will find me in tears.
That I'm not worth of being loved, and hearing at home my mom's good and a bit vile comments at once, although generally we get along well now. I'm feeling that she's more or less happy each time I fail in my real or online attempt to build up a relationship with a man. I know that is a sin to think so, but that's my feeling, her ideal of man is hers and the image of religion too. I'm feeling bad in my relation with prayer and church too, I'm feeling punished, trapped, breathless.
In fact, too much accent on me, I'm maybe egoist but responsible for everything, just feeling I cannot cope with this chaos anymore...
You are NOT responsible for everything. It is not a sin to have a relationship with a man at all. You can build up a relationship without having sexual experiences if that's what worries you....
Your Mum has always said hideous things to you. Please try to remember that that's just her being horrible and is very far from the truth. You are a wonderful young lady, you are smart and kind and thoughtful... She isn't always and surely that's a bigger sin than talking to a man?
Thanks for supportive words. Although it's a daily struggle, but some days are very dark.
As for relationship, my mom might be concerned, but the main thing bothering me is extreme opinions of some religious people, I cannot perceive the extreme things as normal. I cannot accept the harsh style dictated by some priests.
The relation with my mom has improved so far, like it had been before, or let's say from adult perspective. The disease of course makes everything harder.
What kind of opinions are you struggling with?
Are you having treatment and therapy?
OldMike
06-09-19, 12:35 PM
I've been through it with both my mum and dad, dad with liver cancer and mum with dementia, both are cruel diseases and you make feel helpless, but being feeling helpless isn't the same as being useless you are supporting your mum to the best of your ability and that's all you can do. As for your job find another employer or set out on your own.
I think I need to wait just a little and take private CBT sessions (or psychologist), otherwise I can get mad with all last events, especially see my mom dying.
OK, I just wonder if you having that space to talk through everything with someone might be a good thing - especially whilst you are dealing with your Mum's illness...
You didn't answer...
What kind of opinions are you struggling with?
It's related to religion dogmas.
I don't agree with all strict teachings of my church.
Which teachings in particular? - That is, if you don't mind talking about it?
The opinion about sexuality and women's role mostly, some see a woman either as a saint or a w...e. The idea of having intimate relationships and children only in marriage. And what if I have a different opinion...
I think they should have focus more on other sins, like money laundering, inhuman attitude towards other people etc.
Do you have different opinions?
I know that our friend who is from Romania has very traditional views about a woman's role - I think it's something that he finds difficult to accept about living here. He struggles with things being so very different from home traditions. His brother and sister have both settled down here and their attitudes are much more modern and more in line with more choice for women - that their place isn't all about being in the home cooking, cleaning and looking after children with the man as the one to go to work and earn the money etc..
I agree. I think that actually religion should be about love, tolerance, acceptance and exactly as you say - kindness and helping those around you.
It is hard. My parents were very religious when I was growing up and I had my place in the Church and was there every service etc and actually thought of following a career..... but then things happened and my life changed. I completely lost my faith for a long time and have only refound it in the last 10 years or so..
I'm simply devastated, the situation turned worse and worse.
She is nearly always in bed on painkillers, the general progress is very low.
I was allowed to work from home.
Oh hunni I'm sorry. Are you getting any support in looking after her?
A neighbour helps with injections, that's all.
I'll try to ask for some assistance from the only hospital we have.
Do ask for help hunni. You can't do this alone.
Strugglingmum
15-09-19, 08:31 PM
I'm so sorry Selena. I wish we could do more to help you. Please ask for all the practical help you can get but also take all the emotional support you can get to move through this awful time. Xx its a hard hard road you are travelling, you will need support.
Sweetheart, what’s happening?
Hunni I've seen your posts on FB.... Talk love...
She is passing through a horrible pain. I cannot stop anything, the medical system has not helped at all.
My mommy peacefully died this morning.
Jaquaia
22-09-19, 09:59 AM
I'm so sorry lovely!!!
Have you got any support? (panda)(panda)(panda)
Oh hunni, I am so sorry.... (bear)(bear)(bear)
Not much, I lost everybody ...my grandma last year and then my mommy.
Jaquaia
22-09-19, 11:14 AM
What about your dad? You need support lovely, grieving is hard enough with support. Keep talking here (panda)
What about friends? You really shouldn't deal with all this alone lovely...
Oh sweetheart, I’m so,so sorry. I hope you’ll be able to let us be there for you but I also hope you’ll be able to turn to those close to you (panda)
I’m really sorry Selena. I know that no-one can replace our Mums. Rest in peace Selena's Mum xx
magie06
22-09-19, 02:40 PM
I am so sorry for your loss. I will offer my prayers this evening for her. You need to understand that she is now out of pain and her suffering on this earth is over. She is in a better place.
Strugglingmum
22-09-19, 03:17 PM
My deepest sympathy Selena. Im so so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Xx(bear)
I am so sorry Selena, am thinking of you xx
How are things lovely? Do you have any help and support?
Thank you everybody for your support and kind words.
Tomorrow is her funeral at 3 pm.
I try to eat something and take care of myself, tomorrow I'll need it for sure.
Well done, lovely, you do need to take care of yourself but I can’t imagine how hard that is - so you’re doing amazingly well. Do you have someone to be with you all day tomorrow? (panda)
Jaquaia
23-09-19, 02:43 PM
^^wss
Take one day at a time lovely (panda)
OldMike
23-09-19, 02:55 PM
I'm so terribly sorry Selena (bear) (panda)
Sweetheart do you have friends or family coming who can help you through the day? It's so unbelievably hard when you lose a parent, and you've had such a rubbish year..... (panda)(bear) We will all be with you in thoughts and spirit tomorrow lovely x
There are many gossip people there who want all details and are getting on my nerves.
But my local friend offered to come and support me at the funeral.
Jaquaia
23-09-19, 08:42 PM
It's good that you'll have someone there for you (panda)
I'm glad you are going to have support x
People are always going to gossip love. Neither you or your Mother did anything wrong, ignore them as best you can x
Today is her funeral. The Orthodox church admits generally funeral on 3rd day....but the face of the deceased (except face crashed in accident) is not covered.
God, give me strength when I see her.
Jaquaia
24-09-19, 08:02 AM
Thinking of you today lovely. Sending you so much love (panda)
Thinking of you today Selena. Love and prayers xx
Sending love, hugs and prayers, lovely (panda)
magie06
24-09-19, 10:55 AM
Thinking of you today and sending hugs and all my prayers.
Remember she will always be in your heart and the funeral is a celebration of her life she will always be with you in spirit.
Thank you everybody for kind words.
I passed through this and survived. My local friend helped me a lot and made me smile.
Jaquaia
24-09-19, 07:06 PM
Be kind to yourself now lovely (panda)
Strugglingmum
24-09-19, 08:05 PM
Glad you are through today. Thinking of you for the days ahead. Xx
Well done for getting through today lovely. So glad you had your friend there to support and help you through it.
You’ve done so well, gorgeous (panda)
I've been today at the cemetery. It was a weird feeling - that this now is the mommy's house.
My boss cannot get that I want to work online, if something wrong I will need to have the consultation of lawyer.
What kind of thing do you think could go wrong that you might need a lawyer for?
I don't know, if she will try to make me stay forever by her side.
Your boss? Sweetheart you are free to leave her and work elsewhere if you want...
She quickly sent me a message this morning that she agrees to cooperate with me on online basis, as a freelance translator.
That is good news. How are you doing, hunni?
I'm slightly better, thanks.
That's great news! Are you arranging to work freelance?
I will return to the office on November 04.
That gives you time to sort things out a bit and time to work freelance.
Tomorrow I have an appointment with a psychologist and I'm willing to fight, not to leave despair overwhelm me.
Jaquaia
27-09-19, 04:58 PM
Good!
That's so brilliant! I'm so proud of you for that!
I’m really, really proud of you!
There is one more thing. What would you do if you don't know how to plan something? Not to hurry up and to get the things right.
Sorry, I’m not quite sure what you mean. Can you give us more details?
What is it you want to plan?
About living alone or invite a friend for a while.
I had been to a psychologist. I'm feeling such a relief, today prepared after some soup - first time since my mother's death.
Today is the first day you've eaten since your Mum passed away?
Why don't you just take a little while to see how you are? There is no hurry?
Thee first day I've prepared more normal and consistent food.
No hurry, especially it would be better to wait until the end of the year.
I'm glad you're eating properly.
Why not wait then and see how things settle. You've been through quite a lot recently and I really think working on your own mental health might be a good idea...
Your life has changed so much, hunni, it’s probably be sensible to take some time to figure out what your next steps are
Strugglingmum
29-09-19, 08:20 AM
They always say that you shouldn't make any big life choices in the months following a bereavement. I honestly think like Suzi and Paula that you should give yourself time to adjust to life without your mum. I know when my own mother dies I rushed a few decisions that probably should have had a bit more thought. Take time to concentrate on you and discover what it is exactly that you want out of life.
You are so kind and dedicated a lot to looking after your mum, you need to rediscover you. Xx
Thank you, that is true too.
I developed anyway a kind of eating disorder: i can eat, than the next I cannot either in the evening. Lack of appetite and nausea.
I’d say that was normal when going through such a difficult time - you do need to try to eat, but lack of appetite is usual. Don’t worry that you’re developing an eating disorder
Strugglingmum
29-09-19, 02:48 PM
We grieve emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. Decreased appetite etc is not uncommon during bereavement. Try and eat just a little meal at a time and keep drinking fluids. Sometimes dehydration can cause nausea.
If you don't eat properly you'll get nauseous... It's something that my son does so I know this bit. It's not an eating disorder. It just means you aren't eating properly or regularly enough.
A lot of things to do...
But for the first time since mum's final days, I got some proper sleep.
Glad you got some sleep sweetie x
Glad you got some sleep lovely. It's so important.
Thank you.
Sincerely, rather bad. Of course I'll return to work, I'm going to follow treatment.
I'm missing so much my mum.
I've recovered to a certain extent. Alhough there are certain things making me feel without confidence and suicidal.
That is about my relationship with a man.
Jaquaia
04-10-19, 02:04 PM
What about it?
Some time before the death of my mom, I met a man. Well, maybe not one, but this became closer.
The thing I'm struggling with now (maybe due to the fact we still don't get well enough each other and I need a break too)....I guess it's a bit suicidal.
It is also related to my mom, my childhood with an abusive stepfather. Although it was many years ago. I pity her so much. It is not about me being harassed, it's about how he treated her.My mom was a beautiful woman, he was an abuser.
This makes me suicidal that nobody will ever be able to truly love me...no man...these memories are hunting me and putting me down. In these moments, I feel the need to hurt myself, my veins.
Everything I had experienced before focused on his attempts to harm me, now it took a different road.
I am extremely needy emotionally. This guy was by my side and tried to make me smile in the saddest moments of my life.
However, we know just a little about each other.
Sometimes he did not reply back in time. I did not insist either in fact. Maybe he likes me just because he had never had such a girl like me before.
He split with his girlfriend 2 years ago, he mentioned she broke his heart, but he recovered. He mentioned "the job" he had and the other things in the past, "beautiful" girlfriend. I found her profile and sorry - no beauty there, but that's subjective. And now I'm the beautful, calm and stupid! He does not know anything about me. He never lied or promised something, I cannot blame him for being crazy and jealous.
Normally, everyone has a past and now I will see in every man a cheater and a liar, this means impossibility to build up my private life. If I see exes and prostitutes around, the reflection of the unhappy marriage of my stepdad and my mother, I will compare myself again and again to someone's exes. This can really lead to suicide attempts.
It doesn't matter if I'm more or less beautiful. I'm feeling useless that I cannot trust anyone.
That is sad because actually I've had some admirers recently.
Jaquaia
04-10-19, 02:38 PM
You need to seek therapy to try and work through all of this. Bad experiences doesn't mean all men are like that but you need to work through what caused these feelings in a safe space
At psychologist?
This image of my mother is haunting me down, on the last day before her death. The words of the doctor from emergency team, she said to her partner pointing at my mum:
" Look how beautiful this woman is. Her eyes are so nice."
This is haunting me down.
Maybe to tell him the truth and to ask just to be left in peace?
OldMike
04-10-19, 02:58 PM
Selena it's a good image to have of your mum beautiful with nice eyes on the last days of her life.
Jaquaia
04-10-19, 03:36 PM
Psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist... it doesn't matter where the help comes from as long as they are qualified to give it.
You're grieving lovely. In time, you will learn how to deal with it but right now it is still really raw.
Hunni, now is possibly not the right time to be thinking about a relationship. I do think you need professional support to work through your grief but also, when it’s time, your past and the way you think about men. But all this is going to take time and your priority today has to be looking after yourself. Are you eating and drinking?
I'm trying to do it properly and in time.
I'm feeling so disappointed about myself that I have fallen in deep grief again. And that I haven't managed so far to do all necessary things about the house.
Tomorrow I'll have my next appointment at psychologist.
You shouldn’t be disappointed. It’s very early days and it’s a bumpy road - today is tough, tomorrow may be better - but you are doing really well.
Sweetheart your grieving, you need to give yourself the time to do that x
Should I think bad about that guy?
Or maybe I shoulld tell him to just leave me now in peace?
What do you mean that he didn't reply to you in time? How much time? Have you met him in person? Where is he from?
Have you located a psychiatrist/psychologist?
Yes, but once. He is currently working abroad. Being onine, talking to me than leaving without reading my message. It might be nearly a day. Not willing to say bad things, I'm just feeling worse in the process of communication, maybe just not the time.
Yes.
When are you starting your sessions?
I'm wondering if maybe you should wait a little before jumping in with any relationship. You need to work through your history first and make you in a better place...
I have been today.
It helped for sure.
But well, I just didn't want to be rude when he messaged me this morning. I had written before that it would be better for him to leave me in peace. I'm deeply depressed and he deserves bettter woman in his life. Not to mention of course all my anxieties and insecurities. I've got simply mad...My imagination and head is troubled.
He replied in the morning that no, he does not want to leave me for anything. But he got the message that I'm not ready for flirt. He wrote that I'm beautiful, intelligent and courageous and worth much more than I think. He sent his pic, he looked really tired, saying that he had a hard day before and works on Saturday too. He asked me about my schedule for today and said everything worse because I'm alone in the week-end.
I know he is ready for a new relationship, but not sure and also because I'm in grief.
I'm very confused and just don't want to imagine/blame him as a liar, I have no evidence.
There's no harm talking to him as a friend....
Better woman? Sorry, love, but that’s not the case. Yes, right now you’re possibly in the wrong place for a relationship but that doesn’t mean that you’re not worthy of having a man who treats you like a princess (pref a tough one like Moana ;)). It’s not whether you’re good enough for him, it’s whether he’s good enough for you
Thank you everybody. Your support does mean a lot to me.
The psychologist said that the upcoming days (nearly a month) will be the hardest and if I need to take antidepressants not to wait and be refferred to the psychiatrist.
That's true that these days are really hard.
Sorry lovely, when did you see the psychologist? Who will be prescribing the medication?
Yesterday.
The medication just in case of necessity can be prescribed here only by psychiatrist.
Then I'd say get a referral to the psychiatrist... However, I'm really, really glad you're seeing a psychologist!
I had a major breakdown yesterday evening. My hidden emotions burst.
It's strange...but today I'm feeling better.
Have you arranged the psychiatrist appointment?
Not yet. The GP should write a referral.
Any emotion, especially grief, that’s held inside too long is toxic. I’m glad you cried, lovely, you needed to (bear)
Can you get to your GP asap and ask them to do the referral?
Crying is healthy love with grief...
When I'm out (now having long walks although being introverted generally) and yes, interracting with people, I'm more or less fine, stable at least.
When I get home and stay, I'm simply devastated by sad memories and literally on the edge, juste tears falling down again and again.
The main question is mental survival, the daily struggle I'm facing.
Once I read that in order to survive an individual needs a goal. I have this goal, but I still need a lot of patience.
At least to my dad's place.
Is going to your Dad's something that is going to be a healthy choice? I thought you had a difficult relationship with him?
Hunni, is this a knee jerk reaction to losing your mum or is it something you really want?
This is what I really want. However, I should be wise and to take decisions in a hurry, especially taking into consideration my dad.
You've never talked fondly of your Dad lovely - only of him letting you down or putting other people before you - are you really sure?
Maybe I'll try to find a job offer in another country, if I fail to reach an agreement with him.
Can I ask why you are so determined to leave your country?
Many bad memories and actually I've been thinking about it for many years due to lack of normal medical service (mental health service is very poor) and rather corrupt legal system.
Is there somewhere specific that you want to move to?
I thought about an English or French speaking country, like UK (but Brexit time, I really don't know) or France.
As for Latvia, my doubts are not only about my dad, but also about language policy, that in this way I can run out of money without his support. Reason? Latvians require a normal knowledge of the state language, otherwise it is impossible to be normally employed.
I also sometimes think that my dad wants me to be literally by his side as a caregiver.
I own a good flat in a good district. But I should make many adjustments and everything to be done not in a hurry and very carefully.
The thing is, you have been your Mum's carer and your Grandmothers for so long - please don't get trapped into being your dad's or anyone elses! It's more than time for you to do the things that YOU want to do and live the life you want!
You are perfectly right and he has an appaling attitude, especially taking into consideration mu mom's recent death.
My confessor actually encouraged me to think carefully but to try new challenges I really want.
I really think that it's important for you to stop and think really carefully - maybe get your mental health a bit more stable and certainly not so soon whilst you are grieving. You've been through an awful lot love. Give yourself time.
There’s absolutely no harm in waiting, thinking about what you really want/need before you do anything. Taking a huge step like this can only be done once and, if it’s the wrong step, it’s going to have a huge impact possibly for the rest of your life. If it’s the right thing for you, then it’ll still be the right thing in a few months/years. You’re grieving and trying to find a way out of that grief. Please make 100% sure this is right.
Also, hunni, don’t take this the wrong way, but remember you need to be so careful in completely changing your life, and safety, for someone you’ve never met, particularly when you’re emotionally vulnerable ....
OldMike
12-10-19, 10:02 AM
The thing is, you have been your Mum's carer and your Grandmothers for so long - please don't get trapped into being your dad's or anyone elses! It's more than time for you to do the things that YOU want to do and live the life you want!
Selena what Suzi said (quoted above) has got it absolutely right, you mustn't make any decisions quickly while you're grieving and do what is best for YOU and what YOU want to do. (panda)
You are perfectly right.
Yesterday I felt 100 % what means to be alone (my local friends live in other cities and go home on week-end). I was ill and was literally crawling.
Thank God, now I'm fine.
Paula, you are just perfectly right about the right choice.
But I'm open to new challenges. Some days ago a woman who had been friendly with my grandma told me that I must be very attentive from now on, as there are many jealous people in my local place and I'm considered to be "wealthy" due to my apartment.
All this scares me.
As for the man, I think it's early to make any judgements, actually he did not try to rush me in any relationship.
Future will tell.
This friend of your grandma’s, is this someone whose advice you trust?
I don't really know her well enough. But in this aspect I think she is right taking into consideratin the reality.
In what way were you ill lovely? Are you feeling better?
Hunni, why don't you just wait and see how things are in a little while. You have been through so much. Focus on getting you better....
A kind of flu, also pancreas pains.
But I am definitely feeling better now.
Are you taking your medication properly? Are you eating and drinking properly?
Yes, because I want to minimize these unhealthy incidents.
Good. What about rest? Are you getting any?
Yes, definitely. Although just a little improvement, but I get anyway better sleep.
I had some terribel years, that is why I need to be abroad even for a few months.
I want a little piece of advice.
Ask sweetie if we can help we will x
What advice are you looking for lovely?
Like all of you know, I decided to postpone any love stories for later period, when I feel more stable emotionally.
The guy sometimes messaging me - I decided to consider him as a friend for a moment, taking this as politeness, although I am pretty sure he likes me.
My local friend instead told me that I must give him a lesson for reading my messages late/replying later....
But I'm not in the mood for this. And I think I have a plenty of things to do, and also no actions can turn fake feelings into true ones.
Sorry, what does she mean that you should give him a lesson for taking time to reply to you?
She meant that this is the way he will understand better how to reply on time and take better into consideration someone's feelings.
Jaquaia
14-10-19, 09:24 PM
But you don't know why he doesn't reply quickly
That is my idea too.
And generally I would prefer just a friendly connection now, for my emotional safety. He seems to have got it.
Think of it like it is here - we don’t expect everybody to reply to our posts immediately because we understand that they will be doing other things and not just glued to their phone/laptop waiting for someone to post so they can answer them. I’m assuming this man works, has a home, has responsibilities and can’t be waiting for you to message him so he can answer immediately .....
And, sweetie, I am never a fan of playing games like ‘punishing’ someone so they ‘behave better’. That, hunni, is no way to build a Relationship
I completely agree with Paula. Playing games is never a good way of forming a proper relationship...
Jaquaia
15-10-19, 09:17 AM
How are you doing today?
I'm feeling sometimes so confused and lost, from moods filled with joy to a lot of tears.
I managed to do some things about the house, but I always blame myself for not having done enough, or enough well.
Jaquaia
15-10-19, 06:06 PM
Sweetheart you are grieving. You need to cut yourself some slack
Oh wow, hunni, Jaq's right, you’ve only just lost your mum. In your situation, I’d be feeling exactly the same (panda)
Give yourself time to grieve.... The fact that you are up and dressed and eating and drinking is more than enough right now....
Just keep me in your prayers and positive thoughts.
The GP referred me (next week) for chest X-ray. She said it is either general health weakness due to stress or beginning of pneumonia.
Strugglingmum
19-10-19, 05:17 PM
(panda) (panda) thinking of you. X
(panda) I’ll hope that the reason she’s not sending you for an urgent X-ray is because it’s not pneumonia. Big hugs, lovely lady
Jaquaia
19-10-19, 07:01 PM
You need to try and look after yourself (panda)
(bear) Are you taking care of you? Eating OK? Drinking properly?
So are you eating and drinking enough? Keeping warm enough?
I'm trying to keep it properly, but I do recognize it is hard.
Today I have been to church (briefly), the one church we went with mom long time ago, because there is some distance and the ambiance is warmer.
Every angle, every street, every tree reminds me of mum.
It will do. You've only just lost her... Give yourself some kindness and time.
OldMike
20-10-19, 10:40 PM
(bear) (panda)
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