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Mira
06-01-19, 09:58 PM
Hello all,

I used to post under the name Welf. But that feels like ages ago. So now I have asked Suzi if it was possible to change the name to make a fresh start. And mere minutes later here I am :)

The last few years have seen me in a downward spiral. I am becoming more and more isolated. But I am seeking professional help. And thats coming but with long waiting lists. The next round of interviews along is 20 weeks away. But its a wonderful organization and for the first time I feel I am in the right place for help.

Before i write a wall of texts I should keep it a bit short haha.

Currently I have a diagnosis for Avoident personality disorder. Perfectionist traits that haunt me. And the clinic wants to look deeper because they feel there might be more under the surface. Because i still punish myself in various ways. So the self harm is also still there sometimes.

But for now its nice to write another post here. And it will be good to see you all again and meet the new members.

Mira
06-01-19, 09:59 PM
Oh just for a introduction. I am Mira, 39 and single. A male and from the Netherlands with strong German roots.

Jaquaia
06-01-19, 10:02 PM
It's good to see you lovely! You've been missed. So glad to hear you're seeking help (panda)

Mira
06-01-19, 10:05 PM
Thanks, i thought i would not be remembered. But thats also my disorders speaking. Sadly they got worse too. So i am always scared now that people dont like me and don't accept me. But that is classic AvPD.

Paula
06-01-19, 10:36 PM
Itís so truly wonderful seeing you here again! Youíve been missed :). Iím so glad youíre getting help and hoping itíll soon bear fruit

Mira
06-01-19, 10:45 PM
Thanks, its good to be back here. I have missed you all too.

Suzi
07-01-19, 11:48 AM
You really have been missed. It really, truly is wonderful to see you posting and for you to be back here!

Mira
07-01-19, 02:17 PM
Thanks Suzi. Its great to be back.

Today was my day off and with using an alarm I have planned doing chores and relaxing real well. I got way more done then I would normally get done. So i hope that for me this method will work.

Jaquaia
07-01-19, 02:21 PM
That sounds really positive!

Mira
07-01-19, 02:22 PM
It is, after days of sitting alone with my own misery its great to get something done. I might even do my hobbies today. But I am not going to be to hopeful.

Paula
07-01-19, 02:38 PM
Mixing chores up with something you enjoy isnít a bad idea

OldMike
07-01-19, 04:51 PM
Glad to hear from you again Welf aka Mira mixing chores with something enjoyable is the way to go, must admit I tend to forget chores and do what I enjoy :)

Mira
07-01-19, 05:48 PM
Hi Mike. It will be good to chat with you. I always enjoyed your posts.

I have that too. Only do the fun stuff. So thats what the alarm comes in. Thats a great tool for me to keep me focused. I hope to start using it for my course as well. Last year i finished one for work and I am doing the second one right now. But my mental health is preventing me from doing well.

The first course I passed but I am worried about this one. Its about electronics. On how to get engines and other components to work.

Jarre
07-01-19, 07:55 PM
My efforts usually involve a hammer. Welcome back mate glad that you are on way to getting help, hope to hear whats happened since you were last here.

Suzi
07-01-19, 08:11 PM
What hobbies are you planning on working into your day?

Mira
07-01-19, 08:29 PM
Hey Jarre. How have you been doing? Well a full update will be pages and pages long haha.

I am doing the same as before. But I am getting more and more lonely. Most of my friends have had enough of me avoiding them so they are almost all gone. So its me being alone most of the time. Being avoident. I did find that it does suit me well that diagnosis. It fits.

I do try to get into hobbies. But thats always hard with the perfection problems I have. But I try to do calligraphy. Did a workshop last year and i do like doing that. And I want tocget into floral drawing. So thats on the to do list.

I did a course last year for work. In electronics. And passed. Now doing another one but that might be to much with all my other issues. The sad part is I need to pass both to get a raise. Wich i already deserve because i do the same work as the others that are making more then me.

Thats a brief update :)

Paula
07-01-19, 08:41 PM
Why would the next course be too much? I know youíre an intelligent man and you obviously coped (as shown by passing) with the extra work any training will cause - or so it seems to me

Mira
07-01-19, 09:15 PM
Yes. The other one i managed. But barely. And this one is next level. When I last talked to a therapist she told me that getting a 6 was good for me. (grades go 1 to 10 and a 5.5 is the first grade thats not fail).

She said that because at the moment my brain can only give 20% because the rest is busy with other stuff like my disorders. If that makes sense. Feel like i am writing jibberish haha

Angie
07-01-19, 09:52 PM
It is so good to see you lovely xx

Mira
08-01-19, 07:46 PM
Thanks Angie, it does feel good to be back.

Today was a struggle. The car ride to school was pretty intense. Lots of bad thoughts and emotions. And the whole day I felt numb. I was so happy I could go over to my mum for tea (tea is still weird to me when talking about food haha).

She makes everything with love and I would not know where I would be today without her.

Now that I am home I can not seem to get things done. In bed now even though I wanted to play fifa all day. I want to be more easy on myself. If only I could show myself compassion.

Suzi
08-01-19, 08:48 PM
Sorry that today was a struggle lovely. Glad you were able to go to your Mum's.

Can you try to do little things and break it up with Fifa?

Mira
08-01-19, 09:04 PM
Well its almost bedtine now. So a few games i managed ro play. But mostly just staring at the walls.

Suzi
08-01-19, 09:05 PM
(panda)(panda)

Paula
08-01-19, 09:13 PM
(panda)

Suzi
09-01-19, 09:26 AM
How are you today lovely?

OldMike
09-01-19, 12:14 PM
I was interested in electronics and did it as a hobby and also worked as a tv repairman though tv's have changed a lot since then they had massive and heavy colour tricolor shadow mask CRT's which needed 25,000 volts to operate them and yes you could get a nasty shock off them if you didn't discharge them.

Mira
09-01-19, 03:54 PM
How are you today lovely?

I called in sick today. I was feeling real down. But my mum and ex came over for lunch and that helped a bit. Now I am just sitting around. I do have a headache. But that might be from overthinking every single thing all the time haha

Mira
09-01-19, 03:58 PM
I was interested in electronics and did it as a hobby and also worked as a tv repairman though tv's have changed a lot since then they had massive and heavy colour tricolor shadow mask CRT's which needed 25,000 volts to operate them and yes you could get a nasty shock off them if you didn't discharge them.

That does sound like its fun to get into. But nowadays its almost always cheaper to throw things out then repair them. A shame if you ask me. I like the days where you could do repairs yourself way beter.

Right now the course I am doing is (no idea how this is all called in English haha) Switching electronicly. So I am learing how to start and look for faults in the electronic operating systems for engines and fuse boxes. Its just hard to focus for me right now. I do think that otherwise I would be able to do it.

Suzi
09-01-19, 04:13 PM
Sorry you aren't feeling well lovely. Hope that you are being kind to yourself x

Paula
09-01-19, 04:57 PM
((big hugs))

Mira
09-01-19, 05:07 PM
I am trying to. Thanks. Just made tea and putting on some Netflix.

Suzi
09-01-19, 09:45 PM
So you've eaten properly? Resting?

Mira
10-01-19, 06:25 AM
Yes, yesterday was a better day for all those things. I ate normal and that went well. I even read in my book I got for Christmas. So now I am getting ready for work. But today will be a struggle. I am tired ��

Suzi
10-01-19, 08:29 AM
What book?
I know you are tired, but are you able to take things bit by bit today and build in some breaks and do something nice for you tonight?

Paula
10-01-19, 09:38 AM
Are you staying home from work today? To me, it sounds like you need the est to spend time looking after you

Mira
10-01-19, 12:49 PM
I am reading Ken Follett. Fall of titans. And its awesome. Its been so long that I have been into reading. But this book is pulling me back into reading.

I went into work today but could not cope. So i took thr day off and tomorrow as well. I am trying to be nice to myself and rest. But i am struggling with it.

Jaquaia
10-01-19, 01:13 PM
Well for what it's worth, I think you're doing the right thing (panda)

Paula
10-01-19, 02:04 PM
Well done, lovely :)

Suzi
10-01-19, 02:18 PM
Well done! I know it's hard to put self care first, but I'm glad you have.

OldMike
10-01-19, 05:42 PM
It's good you've got back in to reading, must admit it's been a while since I read a book.

Mira
12-01-19, 02:14 PM
Thanks, yes reading is great. I don't seem to get to many triggers from it either.

My mum came round and talked about a show that just came to netflix. It was vexed. A British show. And we watched the first episode together. It was a funny show. But sadly it gave me triggers. Just like everything else lately :(

Suzi
12-01-19, 04:36 PM
What kind of triggers love?

Mira
12-01-19, 08:55 PM
Well it might be weird to talk about them here. A lot of things revolve around myself and I feel so selfish when I think about it.

The woman in the show is real attractive. That makes me feel I will always be alone. Like I have almost always been. There are a lot of jokes. I know its not showing here but i used to crack people up with funny whitey remarks. And jokes. I miss that guy.

And when I see all the people interacting. It puts a magnifying glass on me being alone all the time just sitting at home.

And since I have been overeating all day I can not watch tv untill I promise myself to not eat for a while.

Paula
12-01-19, 08:59 PM
You are the least selfish person I know and I know that you wonít always be alone - I know the right person is out there for you, you just havenít met her yet.

Mira
12-01-19, 09:05 PM
Thats true, but with me being inside all the time its reasonable to assume I will be alone. Its ok. I just need to avoid those triggers.

Jaquaia
12-01-19, 09:34 PM
But with the right help and support you can be more of the person you want to be (panda)

Suzi
13-01-19, 11:33 AM
You do not need to punish yourself or stop yourself from eating. This self destructive and self harming behaviour is really concerning me lovely. My heart aches for the sadness in you. All I want to do is hug you and show you that you are wanted, loved and respected.
Will you please get a Drs appointment asap? If you wont do it for you, would you do it for us? Go and tell them everything - esp the self harm, the binging and purging?

Mira
13-01-19, 07:55 PM
Today was going better. I did not eat enough but it all stayed in and i did not harm myself.

I don't think I can make another appointment as I already know what the doctor will say. I will have to wait. I am already pretty high on the waiting lists as it is.

Tomorrow i have my yearly review at work thats got me stressed at the moment.

Paula
13-01-19, 08:19 PM
What do you think the doctor will say?

Mira
13-01-19, 08:44 PM
That i already have appointments made and that i will have to wait for them. I know there is nothing else he can do.

Suzi
13-01-19, 09:36 PM
Are you on medication atm? Why can't the doctor do anymore? Is it a system thing?

Mira
14-01-19, 04:33 PM
No i am not on any meds at the moment. Its been a few years since i was on meds. And there is bot much he can do. Maybe its a system thing. But i do know that with regards to mental health they just refer you and not much else.

Paula
14-01-19, 05:12 PM
Does that mean youíre not getting any treatment right now? That doesnít seem right .....

Mira
14-01-19, 05:14 PM
Yes at the moment there is no treatment at all. Just waiting.

Suzi
14-01-19, 05:16 PM
That seems really strange that you can't even start on meds until you see someone?

Mira
14-01-19, 05:21 PM
For me to even get meds I would first have to meet a psychiatrist. Or in a rare rare case the gp but they never do that. So that will be more then a year of waiting i guess.

Suzi
14-01-19, 08:40 PM
That seems absolutely ridiculous!

Paula
14-01-19, 08:52 PM
Why were you taken off them in the first place?

Mira
15-01-19, 07:43 PM
I was not on them for long. I took citolapram. And they made me worse. Started sh after taking them

Jaquaia
15-01-19, 07:44 PM
(panda)

Suzi
15-01-19, 07:56 PM
Then why didn't you go back to try something different? Who prescribed the citalopram?

Paula
15-01-19, 09:26 PM
There are so many different ADs and they all react differently. Please talk to your doctor about your options

Mira
15-01-19, 09:53 PM
That was prescribed by the psychiatrist. The doctor does not prescribe them as far as I know. And with how i am i am happy to make appointments at all. Standing up for myself is another issue.....

Suzi
15-01-19, 10:00 PM
Could you or would you take your Mum with you or print out what you've said in this thread?

Mira
17-01-19, 06:43 AM
I don't want to bother my mum with this. She knows how I am doing but no details. That would be to hard on her. And serve no purpose. I have decided that i am not going to the doctors sooner. I will wait till i have my appointments.

Tomorrow i am going to the hospital where they will look at my sleep and if that does anything to me.

Suzi
17-01-19, 09:33 AM
Hope that they can help with your sleeping...

When are your appointments?
Sweetheart I'm sure your Mum would only want to support you. I know I would if you were my child.

Paula
17-01-19, 10:28 AM
Iím with Suzi. Iíd be horrified if I thought my children couldnít talk to me about something as important as this, lovely

Mira
17-01-19, 08:27 PM
Yes I know what you both mean. But then i think why put a woman who is already struggling with her own issues through the ordeal of my stuff while that can not be fixed at this time?

I am starting to feel like an old member that used to come here. One i had a little run in with. Makes me feel bad.

Today i binged again. I just came out of the bathroom where I was in the tub just crying and feeling horrible. Atleast I am clean now.

Jaquaia
17-01-19, 08:41 PM
(panda)

Suzi
17-01-19, 08:59 PM
Yes I know what you both mean. But then i think why put a woman who is already struggling with her own issues through the ordeal of my stuff while that can not be fixed at this time?
Because she's your Mum and she will always want to know.


I am starting to feel like an old member that used to come here. One i had a little run in with. Makes me feel bad.
I don't know who you mean, but you only remind me of you!


Today i binged again. I just came out of the bathroom where I was in the tub just crying and feeling horrible. Atleast I am clean now.
You have to see someone about this. You could be doing so much damage to yourself...

Paula
17-01-19, 09:34 PM
Because she's your Mum and she will always want to know. ..

^^^wss. What is never explained when you have a child is that you will worry about them every single moment - whether thereís reason or not. Itís a given, love, that your mum is already worried about you and will also know youíre keeping things from her. If you open up to her, you may find it helps her to know rather than imagining itms

Mira
20-01-19, 04:30 PM
I don't know what to say anymore. Things are still the same...

Suzi
20-01-19, 06:14 PM
Talk to your Mum love... Tell her even a little....

Mira
21-01-19, 07:20 PM
She does know a little. She knows i have AvPD. So its not like she doesnt know any of it.

I am just in a bad spell with my AvPD. Feeling i bother everyone and i don't belong anywhere.

Suzi
21-01-19, 07:42 PM
You never "bother" us and you definitely are welcome and wanted here.....

Mira
21-01-19, 08:09 PM
This might sound weird. But i know i am. On the other hand i don't know. Thats always the problem with me :(

Suzi
21-01-19, 09:06 PM
But you know that you are a bother? Not welcome or wanted?

I have never lied to you. I haven't lied to anyone here ever. It's something I pride myself on. Sweetheart I promise you that you are always welcome and wanted and that you are never a bother. I really enjoy talking to you!

Mira
21-01-19, 09:42 PM
I think i do. I know you never lied to me. You are all amazing. I do know it's me. But i think i am not easy to talk with. Most places i go people dont talk to me. At least not that many. Something must be off with me.

Sorry. I'm just not doing that well.

Suzi
21-01-19, 09:51 PM
i enjoy talking to you. I enjoy "listening" to you when you talk about things you like...

Paula
22-01-19, 10:50 AM
Hunni, your mum might know your diagnosis but does she know how badly itís affecting you at the moment?

Mira
22-01-19, 12:11 PM
No she doesnt. And thats ok. Its part of my disorder. Avoiding all and everything. I am just feeling so out of place. Like I am to fragile.

At least i have the eating in check again. Being more healthy about it.

But bottom line is i just dont fit in anywhere.

Suzi
22-01-19, 01:03 PM
But you do fit in.

Are you eating properly again?

Mira
22-01-19, 10:31 PM
Yes I am. I am hoping to keep doing that :)

Suzi
23-01-19, 09:43 AM
Good. I'm really glad. Remind me, when was your Drs appointment?

Paula
23-01-19, 09:46 AM
No she doesnt. And thats ok. Its part of my disorder.

Why do you think its ok?

Mira
23-01-19, 11:02 PM
I am in a very bad way again. And the less other people know the better i feel. Being a burden is what i worry about the most and in my mind and my feelings i am a burden. Sadly that does not go away :(

Suzi
24-01-19, 10:59 AM
What's caused you to feel so bad?

Mira
05-02-19, 09:49 PM
Today is not ending in a good way. At the course we had a practice exam. And i already told myself weeks ago i was not going to study. I can not deal with the stress.

But i failed it. And everybody kept telling me how it surprised everyone because i am smart and an easy learner. That made me spiral.

So the drawing class was more of myself going into hiding and withdrawing myself. And feeling i was a bother for everyone. I am feeling so low and unwanted again.

Jaquaia
05-02-19, 10:30 PM
(panda)

Paula
05-02-19, 11:05 PM
Oh sweetheart, Iím sorry :(. You say it was a practice exam - do you mean it was practicing for the actual exam or was it a practical exam? Why did you not want to study? Can you retake it?

Hunni, weíve all failed exams - thats part of life and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. My daughter took 3 attempts to pass her theory driving exam. But she got there eventually.

Strugglingmum
05-02-19, 11:32 PM
You are not a bother.
You are very much wanted.
I am truly very glad you are here.
You are worth so much more than any exam.
Not passing an exam does not make you a failure.
It does not define your worth or value.
You are valued because you are You.
We are all an amalgamation of our successes and loss.
It's what makes us human, and that's what makes us valuable.
We celebrate you because you are here. You are one of our own and that makes you valuable to us.

Mira
06-02-19, 07:52 AM
It was a practice exam for the real one next week saterday. Logically I know its not that big a deal. But the negative feelings are so strong. It strengthens the feelings of inability and of me being a stupid idiot. Thats something I can not turn of at the moment.

I need to be careful to not do harmful things again.

Paula
06-02-19, 11:40 AM
SMis absolutely right - you are worthwhile and valued. I canít tell you how incredibly happy I am that youíve decided to come back to DWD.

OldMike
06-02-19, 11:50 AM
SMum and Paula are correct you are worthwhile and it is really good to see you back on DWD.

Mira
06-02-19, 01:46 PM
Thanks all, that does give me a good feeling on a bad day. I am glad to be back here as well. And I am going to try and be more active here and at least post on other peoples threads more.

Suzi
06-02-19, 04:34 PM
Hey you! I'm sorry you felt bad after failing the exam - why didn't you want to revise for it?
Sweetheart the others are right, you really are far more than any exam result.
You are very wanted here.

Mira
07-02-19, 01:21 PM
Hey, because i am going through a rough period right now i made the decision to not put even more stress on myself. I always feel stupid and worthless so if i try to give my best now i would only get worse. So I gave myself a break.

Jaquaia
07-02-19, 01:42 PM
Well done! It's not often at all that you put your needs first. I'm proud of you (panda)

Suzi
07-02-19, 02:23 PM
That's brilliant! I am so thrilled that you put self care first!

Allalone
07-02-19, 09:21 PM
Well done for putting yourself first Mira.x

Paula
07-02-19, 10:29 PM
I think thatís the first time Iíve heard you showing yourself some respect. Itís so lovely to see that and shows how hard youíve been working on getting better. Youíre a wonderful man and always so kind and respectful to other people, itís great to see some of that kindness directed towards you :)

Suzi
08-02-19, 10:46 AM
How are you today gorgeous Man?

Mira
09-02-19, 02:16 PM
I'm coping....

Jaquaia
09-02-19, 02:23 PM
What are your plans for the day?

Suzi
09-02-19, 03:52 PM
Are you coping really? In a healthy way?

Paula
09-02-19, 08:18 PM
Youíre quiet, lovely, you ok?

Mira
10-02-19, 08:30 AM
Lately i have not done any harm. Apart from mental abuse. But that i can not turn off. I am quiet i know. Its because i have those strong feelings of not deserving anything. Like people to talk with, hobbies. Good things. So i just sit at my dinner table waiting for it to be time to go to bed.

I hate having this disorder :(

Jaquaia
10-02-19, 08:32 AM
You always have us lovely (panda)

Mira
10-02-19, 08:40 AM
Thanks, i am just intimidated lately. Everybody else seems so creative, smart and compassion. And i just sit and stare.

Thats why i distance myself. I dont think i deserve to be around people that are so much better then me.

Allalone
10-02-19, 08:41 AM
We are here Mira. (panda)

Jaquaia
10-02-19, 09:15 AM
No one is better than you, you are our equal in every way, your head is just telling you that you're not. And for the record, I think you are one of the smartest and most compassionate people I know.

Angie
10-02-19, 12:02 PM
I agree totally with Jaq hunni

Paula
10-02-19, 03:26 PM
You are such a warm, kind, funny, caring person and Iím personally honoured that you spend time with us :)

Suzi
10-02-19, 04:07 PM
Thanks, i am just intimidated lately. Everybody else seems so creative, smart and compassion. And i just sit and stare.

Thats why i distance myself. I dont think i deserve to be around people that are so much better then me.

Hold on! I think you're measuring yourself against the wrong things! I think you're amazingly smart! How many languages do you speak and write in? I can just about ask how to get to the train station in German but couldn't understand the answers.. I can hold my own in a basic conversation in French but couldn't write it much anymore and I can only remember a few bits in Latin - you use this site which is in a language not native to you and you converse so perfectly not only on your own thread, but you contribute in others too! That's really intelligent!!


No one is better than you, you are our equal in every way, your head is just telling you that you're not. And for the record, I think you are one of the smartest and most compassionate people I know.

So true!!!

Mira
10-02-19, 05:29 PM
Thanks all, you are all to kind. I am part of a discord group and today people told me that i seek validation and reassurances all the time. I think they are right in thinking that. I see myself as a nice person. But somehow people blocked me there and don't even want to speak to me again. One of them even told me that through instagram.

So now i deleted discord from my phone. And instagram. Maybe i am to fragile for any contact online?

Suzi
10-02-19, 05:32 PM
I've never used discord. I have instagram but I'm rubbish about keeping it up - the same with twitter! I don't think you're too fragile for online contact at all, I think maybe you need to be a bit more careful about the ones you choose. I know our school and local police keep sending out alerts suggesting people don't use discord or snapchat etc....

Mira
10-02-19, 05:36 PM
This is actually a nice support group i was on with a lot of people that have AvPD. But now I feel like I am the one they warn about. Like i am the weirdo and the freak. I deleted all apps and social things i followed. Its for the best i think. I should stop trying..

Jaquaia
10-02-19, 05:39 PM
Well they're wrong as you're lovely. You're missed when you're not around (panda)

Suzi
10-02-19, 09:11 PM
You're very definitely not a freak to us! We love you!

Allalone
10-02-19, 09:17 PM
(panda)

Mira
10-02-19, 09:26 PM
Thanks, you all make me smile. I need to gdt out of feeling this way though.

Suzi
10-02-19, 09:43 PM
Maybe you could start by trying to train your brain that we think you're a good person and we want you around?

Mira
11-02-19, 10:16 AM
That would be awesome. I can not wait for therapy to start. But that might still be a year.

The sad part is that if you look for things that are not going well. Or signals that you are a bad person. They can be seen. And that makes everything real in my mind.

I do think that tuning online things down. But i need to be careful not to go into hiding again.

And i need to get rid of the SH thoughts.

Paula
11-02-19, 11:28 AM
Trouble is, online, you can find a site like DWD where we all work hard to ensure this is a positive, welcoming environment for everybody but you can also find trolls - and itís hard to deal with trolls when youíre feeling well, itís impossible when youíre not well.

Mira, love, you are not a bad person ....

Jaquaia
11-02-19, 11:40 AM
Totally agree with Paula. You are so kind and compassionate (panda)

Suzi
11-02-19, 03:02 PM
I think you really are so kind, caring and very much loved and wanted here. We all miss you when you aren't around....

Mira
11-02-19, 09:25 PM
Well i am trying my best not to leave.

Today in the mail I received a letter from the organization that handles my intake and possible a treatment. The letter was about the findings so far. I wanted to share them here.

According to the dsm-5 (no idea if thats a dutch thing or international one) i have an avoiding personality disorder with compulsive characteristics.
And a persistent depresive disorder. And a history of self harm.

They want to run further tests and interviews. To see if there are more vulnerabilities and/or if there might be a developmental disorder.

These may still take a while. And then eventual treatment even longer.

I do think they got me spot on. But this is feeding all my insecurities and bad thoughts. Especially after what happened yesterday online.

I am just glad it's almost bedtime.

I do want to apologize for not being more active on other peoples threads. Sorry for that.

Jaquaia
11-02-19, 09:29 PM
You never need to apologise for not contributing to other threads lovely. You know how it works here, if you are able to contribute then great, if you need to focus on you and contributing to others is too much, then you focus on you (panda)

I think the DSM5 is an international thing

Mira
11-02-19, 09:42 PM
Thanks, because of the development disorder that might be there its hard to not link it to myself feeling stupid and worthless.

Paula
11-02-19, 09:55 PM
You are neither stupid nor worthless, regardless of any further diagnosis

OldMike
11-02-19, 09:57 PM
No need to worry about posting on others threads you can post as much or as little as you want the main thing is you keep talking, it's nice to have you around Mira.

Suzi
11-02-19, 10:10 PM
I completely agree with the others! You are far from stupid or worthless and you are definitely wanted. It's a good thing that they are going to look carefully to get you the right treatment and help.

Mira
03-03-19, 06:33 AM
The lonelyness on the weekends is terrible. Since most of my friends dont talk to me anymore nobody comes around for a visit. And because of how I am I had to stop being online as much. I have given it a lot of thought and I am not capable of doing online things in a chat inviroment. I do get weird and i alienate people.
At least during the week I talk with people at work and then its way more easy to act normal. But online its harder. I had to stop online gaming. And I stopped with the chatgroup. One man from America is coming to the Netherlands this month. And we had been talking for more then a year. He asked to meet. But we don't even talk anymore. So I messed that up as well.

So what to do? If the best thing for everybody else is to stay home and be alone but its horrible for myself? I hate this. And the thoughts that come with it.

Paula
03-03-19, 08:36 AM
Can I ask why you donít talk anymore? What happened to change that friendship?

Mira
03-03-19, 08:44 AM
Well this wont sound logical. I can even see that myself. But I guess thats what the disorder does to me.

It will go great for a while. But online it seems much easier to talk about whats going on with yourself. Even more so with people that have the same issues. But then I feel like a bother to people. And I can get whingy. So then I stop talking to people so they dont have to deal with somebody difficult. I am just so worried that people wont like me that i break it off before that time. But thats hurting me. And leaves me alone.

Even when people are reasuring me that things are fine. I cant believe it. It leaves me spiraling.....

When i am doing ok and look at what i do i go oh boy. Why? And i can see it clearly. But i get into a state pretty easy and then its all out the window.

When i am at work or in public its a bit more easy because then i know people dont like me so i can be silent and calm.

Sorry for going on and on.

Jaquaia
03-03-19, 09:29 AM
Stop and take a deep breath lovely. You never have to apologise for talking here (panda)

Paula
03-03-19, 11:13 AM
Hunni, do you actually know as a fact that people donít like you or is it what you believe? Youíre not a bother and you donít whinge and I cant see any reason why anybody would dislike you. I hate that youíre lonely, especially as I believe you donít need to be, that you have people around you who would want a friendship with you. I know I would love to spend time with you, if I could, irl

Suzi
03-03-19, 12:19 PM
Do you know what? I'd love to reach into my computer screen, give you a massive hug. I don't think it's ever going to matter how much reassurance we give you that actually we love having you around, that we don't find you a bother or whinging or anything else negative.. Until you find a way to even slightly believe that we believe that we love you then you're always going to struggle. To be honest though love, we all have those insecurities - there have been times when I haven't posted how I feel or what's going on for me because I don't think that I should burden anyone else with that... Then I get caught out by the brilliant team members and told that I should post, so I do and I start to feel better almost immediately because feeling that other people genuinely want to know how you are and genuinely care and love you is about the best feeling in the world. Start believing it lovely, because we do genuinely love you and we do genuinely care.

Mira
03-03-19, 12:40 PM
Thanks all.

Most of the time I do know its not true Paula. But there have been times where people just told me that I was.

I feel there are two different versions of me. The one that does believe all, the kind things you all say to me. And that has a good feeling about it.

And there is the version that feels so insecure and thinks he is horrible. And does not deserve anything.

That version is around more. And sadly i can not change it on my own. They already told me that will require therapy.

So until then i guess it will stay this way.

Suzi
03-03-19, 12:53 PM
Thing is hunni, we are never going to be liked by everyone all of the time. There are many, many times that people who use here have not liked me or how I am but that's OK because I know that for others they do like me or how I am or at least tolerate me! lol

Mira
03-03-19, 01:00 PM
I know. When I am ok I do see things in a logical way. But thinking one thing while my feelings drag me into another direction is the problem.

Even now I feel the need to apologize. I get so scared that I offended somebody or said the wrong thing.

I did see I had an email adres of the American. So I sent him an email.

I did read it a few times before sending it. I tend to over explain things...

Maybe I am just no good at social things untill i get therapy.

Jaquaia
03-03-19, 01:18 PM
If it's any consolation, I hate social things. I feel awkward and out of place and am convinced that I'm being judged. I find it incredibly difficult to talk to strangers, it takes a huge effort for me to do that! It takes me a while to settle when I see my friends in Manchester too.

You will get there lovely (panda)

magie06
03-03-19, 03:38 PM
I think you will need a rest after telling us your true feelings, but it really helps us to get to know you better. You are doing great, you get up and you get on with things. It's THE hardest thing to do when you are fighting with your own mind.
When you are not around here our family seems incomplete. We love having you around and I for one look forward to seeing a post from you.

OldMike
03-03-19, 04:01 PM
We all say the wrong things in a social situation at times, it's all part of being human and the majority of times an apology isn't necessary, you can speak three languages and from your posts you come across as an extremely nice person. Magie has said it in her post much better than I could.

Mira
03-03-19, 07:46 PM
Thanks Magie and Mike. I do feel part of the group here. Otherwise I would have run a long time ago. So I am always grateful to be here and enjoy all your compagny.

I went on a few websites to see a discription of the disorder. And I found one thats almost spot on to what i go through when talking to people and trying to be social. I will copy and past it in my next post. So thats from a website. Not my own words but it does sum it up well.

Mira
03-03-19, 07:46 PM
Cluster C

is comprised of avoidant, dependent, and anankastic personality disorders. People with avoidant PD believe that they are socially inept, unappealing, or inferior, and constantly fear being embarrassed, criticized, or rejected. They avoid meeting others unless they are certain of being liked and are restrained even in their intimate relationships. Avoidant PD is strongly associated with anxiety disorders, and may also be associated with actual or felt rejection by parents or peers in childhood. Research suggests that people with avoidant PD excessively monitor internal reactions, both their own and those of others, which prevents them from engaging naturally or fluently in social situations. A vicious circle takes hold in which the more they monitor their internal reactions, the more inept they feel; and the more inept they feel, the more they monitor their internal reactions.

Mira
03-03-19, 07:52 PM
One thing when i read something like this is that i feel relief. That I am not alone or a freak. But it does make life so hard. And then my depression amplifies it at times.

Today i went for a meal at my brothers. My mum was there as well. I felt out of place the whole time. And then my brother said that next friday he wants to eat at mums with his new girlfriend. And if i liked to come.

I said no. I am already fragile and i would ruin the evening for everybody. I am happy they know about my troubles so they were cool about it. Plus they are eating something that makes me sick (really). So i said that and that i dont want to eat something different.

So i am not going. I will meet her eventualy. But hopefully when i am a bit better. I dont want the first impression to be the mentaly ill brother.

Suzi
03-03-19, 09:32 PM
You are definitely not a freak! I promise you that...

Paula
04-03-19, 09:30 AM
(panda)

magie06
04-03-19, 12:50 PM
You are loved and wanted. Definitely not a freak.

Mira
04-03-19, 08:15 PM
Thanks Magie.

Today at work i felt out of it. Could not focus and made stupid mistakes. So i went home early. And i had a good day with regards to eating. So that is a win. But other then that I am sitting on the couch just staring at the walls.

So many things I wish I could do but nothing I can do. I am my own worst enemy.

This all sounds way to dark. And i wanted to delete it. But i will post it.

Paula
04-03-19, 08:38 PM
Thank you for posting it, thank you for trusting us enough to post it. Having a good day with eating is a huge win, lovely, well done :)

magie06
04-03-19, 08:49 PM
You can't win at everything. Your win of the day was eating right. Celebrate that win. The others will come too.

Jaquaia
04-03-19, 09:29 PM
Baby steps lovely. It's going to take time.

Suzi
04-03-19, 11:26 PM
Thank you so much for posting! I know how hard that can be. That's a huge step.

Can you get together things that you can do when you can't face anything else - to stop you from staring at the walls... What about things like sketchbooks? Crochet? Knitting? Colouring? Jigsaw puzzles? Ingredients to bake with?

Mira
05-03-19, 08:43 AM
I have this dread that today will be another bad day. I still feel guilty of not joining my brother and his new girlfriend for dinner next friday. I have not met her yet. But its way to stressful for me to do right now. And I have this image in my mind that then she will see me in a bad moment and I will be branded the weirdo mental health problem boy.

So I want to do that when I am feeling a bit better.

Seeing other people succeed in things that I find difficult makes me feel so bad. Its a list that goes round and round in my mind. A list of things I want to learn and do. And then the list of things I say that suck the fun out of them in an instant.

I want to write down some of the things on those lists. But thats not easy for me. I can already feel my nerves coming because then I talk about what I would like and people might judge because of it.
Well here goes anyway. At least here its a safe inviroment.

I love to be old fashioned (in the good way, not a racist way or thinking of class difference). Be humble and caring. Friendly and have a house that looks like its been build and decorated in the '30.
The list of hobbies is so long but I dont do any of them. I like to read, write poetry ( I loved reading Lord Byron in English). To draw and to do Caligraphy. My dream is to learn. Study. I even thought of doing an Open University study in the UK. Be better at my current job. I want to exercise. I always wanted to run a marathon. Be social and volunteer at the local museum.

What do I do at the moment? Not one single thing. Thats partly because of the depression. And its to do with the list that goes round and round in my head since I was a little boy.

You are not smart. Look at others around you. So many people get things done. Even with mental health issues. You are pathetic. You are no where near good enough at writing and caligraphy. You practice and not even have a routine. Just stop. You are a big dissapointment. Just stick to the shadows. Where people do not see you. That way nobody can think badly about you.

One thing I have got going for me is that I have rules for myself. I was born German. So I need to be on time. I need to work and I need to do my best. This helped me to have my own home. Have a job and be punctual.

But other then that I feel like an empty shell. An empty shell of the person I could be.

Even writing this has left me sad. I might take a small break. And rest a little bit. Sadly that does not help but i have no idea what else to do.

I apologize for being so down in my post.

Mira
05-03-19, 08:49 AM
And the bad part is that its not just thoughts that go round in my mind. But I feel this to be true in my core. Even on good days where I dont have bad thoughts. A feeling comes over me and I spiral.

Suzi
05-03-19, 08:49 AM
NEVER apologise for saying how things really are for you.

Sweetheart I know it's in your head, but you are far from "not smart!" You speak so many languages - I always forget that English isn't your first language when I see your posts here. I couldn't write anything nearly that complicated in any other language.

You can do all of those things, but I'll be honest that each one just takes 1 step forward. You can download things like the couch to 5k app to help you work towards running 5k, it just takes 1 step forward...
You could study anything you wanted to. You really are an intelligent person - as to being kind, caring and humble - you've already achieved those things. You are a gentle soul and a caring friend.

magie06
05-03-19, 09:12 AM
All of what Suzi said. I speak English and a little of my own native language which is Irish. When Aisling was little I thought of the dread I had in learning my own language, and I wanted it to be easier for her. She's a fluent Irish speaker now aged 12, but doesn't want to continue with it. I've brought her along as much as I could. It's her decision. But hopefully she will find it easier to learn more languages now.
You are doing so well. Don't forget that. Love you and wishing you a better day.

Jaquaia
05-03-19, 09:31 AM
You never have to apologise for how you feel here!

You are an incredibly smart person. I'm doing my degree with the Open University and they are absolutely brilliant, the tutors are really supportive and I much prefer studying on my own so it works for me. Suzi and Paula can probably tell you how much I struggled with my first module as my head wasn't good. I've even struggled with this assignment as my head hasn't been great, this was actually an extension. But my tutor has been brilliant. So maybe look into that.

You are an amazing person and we will all keep telling you that

Mira
05-03-19, 10:48 AM
Thanks all, you are all to kind.

Even with the language I struggle a lot. When I speak English and German there is a dutch accent. That is enough for so many occiasions to not speak at all. And I have gotten over the fact that I write so many mistakes into my sentences. Not to mention the spelling mistakes. If i would focus on it I would not write or speak another language ever again.

Magie I think its awesome that eventhough your Irish is not so good you did bring it over to Aisling. When I was young my step dad did not allow us to speak German. So I had to learn while I was older. That does make a difference. And she might embrace it later on. I know I have.

Jaquaia, I would love that. But at the moment I think I am to fragile for it. Seeing how I did on that course for work. I still did not get any results on how I did. I worry constantly. I did always tell myself that I would have to have done these things before 40. But thats almost here. I know age does not matter anymore. But for me it does somehow.

I just went to the shops and almost got hit by a car. Not my fault but still scary. So when I got to the shops all my ideas for healthy eating went out the door. I got cookies and crisps and ice cream. I ate all of it and the rest is known :(

If things like that are already going this way its time to go on the couch and hide....

Paula
05-03-19, 11:17 AM
Just because the day has started out less than ideal (and please believe me when I say that Iíd also have gone for the cookies and ice creams if Iíd had a scare like that!) does not mean that the day has to continue that way. You do not have to head for the couch and hide. You donít have to push yourself too far - perhaps you could read a book that you particularly love? That soothes your soul?

Now, your languages. So you speak english and German with a Dutch accent? Thatís not a surprise as thatís where youíve lived all your life. Almost everybody who speaks another language speaks that language with the accent from where theyíve been brought up, thatís normal. And you rarely make written mistakes here - tbh I probably make more mistakes than you do.

Youíve listed so many things here you do or would love to do. Actually, thereís so many things on that list that itís no wonder your brain is whirring. Could you just focus on one or two of those hobbies to do a little of? I know you say youíre too fragile right now but it may be that focussing on that one thing, and doing it well, may help you deal with that fragility.

Oh, and ftr, I tried to learn calligraphy - itís really hard and I couldnít do it. Iím in awe of anyone who can do it.

Jaquaia
05-03-19, 11:23 AM
I started my Creative Writing degree with a woman in her 70's!

Oh and my brother in law is Portuguese. He's lived in England a little over 10 years and still speaks with a heavy portuguese accent. It's still understandable. I can barely speak French and I studied that up to A-level, so 18.

Oh and for the record, spelling and grammar mistakes are something that can really irritate me, and you make fewer mistakes than a lot of native speakers!!!

I hope you manage to be even a little kind to yourself (panda)

Mira
05-03-19, 12:05 PM
Now you all are trying to get me to cry.

I am feeling sick at the moment from eating way to much. 2 whole Ben and Jerry tubs and way more. So I think I need to take it easy for a while. I am trying to be kind to myself and at least try to not sh any more today. Thanks for being so kind to me.

For the moment I think its not a good idea to try any of them Paula. Since most of the time it gets used in my mind to point out how bad I am. Bad at the thing I am doing and bad as a person. So for a while I am going to watch a movie. But later on I am going to read. That did not cross my mind but I am half way through the first Ken Follett book Fall of Giants. So far that is a wonderful book.

Is that really true Jaqauia? I am sure that I make a whole lot of mistakes. Maybe I should pay more attention to it. Its making me a bit anxious now.

Ever since I was a young boy I loved how English sounds. We only heard the BBC English over here. But it had a great sound to me. So as long as I can remember I wanted to learn it. When talking about cars I don't say trunk but boot. Sadly though now its a huge mix that I speak. I did even think of taking lessons just to get the accent right. But which accent to pick? So many great ones. And because I am always worried what people think maybe learning the BBC English is not a good one at all.

I am rambling. My head still hurts from earlier.

The important thing to say is thanks all. I love all of you.

Jaquaia
05-03-19, 12:28 PM
Definitely true. You make far fewer mistakes than a lot of native speakers so your grasp of the English language is not something that needs to concern you. My sister used the wrong their/there/they're twice in the same sentence this morning and it actually made me cringe! English is her first language yet I've never seen you do that. English is an incredibly difficult language to learn as there are so many grammar rules, words that look similar are pronounced completely differently and so on. I think the fact that you can converse so clearly in a language that is not your own is amazing! If I am talking to someone who speaks English as a second language, I often have to simplify how I speak so they understand. I have never felt the need to do that with you. And as for you having a dutch accent, so what? You're dutch! Accents are different all over the UK anyway!

magie06
05-03-19, 01:22 PM
Ireland is only a very small country and the range of accents is huge. I love the sound and musical sounds of different accents.
Today has started not very well, but that was an hour at most. There are 23 more hours today, try to be kind to yourself for at least one of them. Take a soak in a bath for a while, maybe try a walk up and down your street, read all the nice things that the people here think of you. You're doing great. Try to believe us.

Suzi
05-03-19, 03:19 PM
I completely agree! You make far fewer mistakes than I do and I'm a qualified teacher...

Accents are so interesting. Where I grew up I had a strong Hampshirian accent, then I went to a private school so developed Queens English accent, then moved to London and had a boyfriend who was from Manchester so got a bit of his accent too! My accent changes as to who I'm talking to!

Jaquaia
05-03-19, 03:27 PM
I have a really broad Hull accent and can't always order coke outside of Hull as I'm not understood! I enunciate clearer when I talk to J. He sounds completely different to me and only lives around 12 miles outside of Hull. I always remember my 2nd year fieldtrip to Italy with Uni. They split us into groups and we had to give a presentation on a topic while in Italy. One girl talked so quickly and in such a broad Hull accent that the only people who understood her were those of us from Hull (giggle)

Mira
05-03-19, 03:54 PM
I can not think of an accent that I don't like. I remember while working on a ship when I was 18 I was in Cork once. And then to Liverpool. Hahaha here I was with the English I was being taught in school. Everybody understood me and I did not understand anything. I think that started my facination with accents. Now that I have been to the UK a number of times now it sounds so good and I tend to blend in real fast.

I remember the first time I was invited for tea and it was food, not to drink tea.

Where I live is an Island too. A small one that used to do a lot of trading with the Britisch centuries ago. But we still have a few words in our dialect that sound more English then Dutch. And I do not have to travel far to have people not know what I am saying. The only shame is that its not encouraged anymore to speak our dialect. The children are not allowed to speak it in school. So its fading fast.

I just saw a youtube video on the Hull accent. I like how they don't say the H in Hull :)

magie06
05-03-19, 04:35 PM
How has the rest of the day been so far? Any improvement?

Mira
05-03-19, 04:44 PM
No it seems to be to hard to get anything going today. I still feel sick and the couch is making my body ache but I have not found the power to get up.

magie06
05-03-19, 05:19 PM
Maybe try a change of position? A move to an armchair instead of the sofa might be just what you need.
By the way you are amazing.

Mira
05-03-19, 05:47 PM
Eventhough I am not feeling well from eating I did eat something normal. That made me feel a bit better. And I am sitting up. So thats a difference. Listening to some music. And trying not to get angry at myself for not doing anything.

You are awesome too :)

Flo
05-03-19, 05:51 PM
You mustn't get angry. There's nothing wrong with doing nothing when you're aren't 100%..just be kind to yourself!(bear)

Strugglingmum
05-03-19, 06:04 PM
Hi Mira. Sorry to read you haven't been feeling the best.
Please be as kind to you as you always are to me. You're worth it.

magie06
05-03-19, 07:06 PM
There are so many pluses in your post. I think today has been a little better than you thought!! Well done.

Mira
05-03-19, 07:24 PM
There are some good things in there. They do seem to be overshadowed by the bad. Thats to bad.

magie06
05-03-19, 08:12 PM
Some day soon you will be able to concentrate on the good things and the bad will become less and less. Good luck for this evening.

Paula
05-03-19, 09:23 PM
There are some good things in there. They do seem to be overshadowed by the bad. Thats to bad.

Hereís a good thing


Ok I am going to give it my best :)

Hereís a ĎI can see the benefit in thisí good thing


I am not on facebook. So seeing these here is a real treat for me. I love them.

Hereís another, being encouraging to someone, good thing


That sounds like a good plan. That might wipe you out even more and make it harder to stay awake. It must be good to be home though?

Mira
05-03-19, 09:25 PM
Thanks Paula, that gives me a smile from ear to ear :)

Suzi
05-03-19, 09:36 PM
You really are amazing lovely.

Mira
05-03-19, 10:57 PM
Thanks, I hope I will feel that way tomorrow.

Just now I saw my team lose to the Spurs again. And its bedtime now. I hope that tomorrow I can pick things up like I want to.

Mira
06-03-19, 08:17 AM
Today started good. I woke up with a bit of energy. And I logged and prepared the food for today. So if my cravings stay in check I will do good on that front too. I had a shower and a shave for the first time in ages. What a difference that can make to ones mood. I know it does but still I don't do it.

I am just hoping today won't be stressful at work. The last few workdays have been more stress then usual. And I still don't have the results in from my exam 3 weeks ago.

One language question. I tend to write things like this. I will not instead of I won't. I can not instead of I can't. Since we talked about language a little yesterday is the way I write it considered being a snob? When I speak i do say it as I can't etc.

Suzi
06-03-19, 09:58 AM
No, your writing does not seem like a snob at all!

Well done for doing the shower and shave! I'm glad today has started well hunni..

magie06
06-03-19, 10:26 AM
That's a great start to the day!! Well done.

Suzi
06-03-19, 02:48 PM
How's the rest of the day going love?

Mira
06-03-19, 03:04 PM
I managed to get some work done at work so that was ok. But I noticed my mood dropping again. So when I got home I got my clothes out of the machine and put them to dry. I did take the bedding off this morning so I had to do that. And that was a good thing. Because clean bed tonight yeahhh.

Now I feel I am falling apart. So before I do anything stupid I am going to watch some Netflix and try to rest.

Jaquaia
06-03-19, 03:37 PM
One language question. I tend to write things like this. I will not instead of I won't. I can not instead of I can't. Since we talked about language a little yesterday is the way I write it considered being a snob? When I speak i do say it as I can't etc.

Not at all! You have a lovely way of writing.

It sounds like you've had a much better day today. Now you need to be kind to yourself and rest (panda)

Suzi
06-03-19, 04:44 PM
I managed to get some work done at work so that was ok. But I noticed my mood dropping again. So when I got home I got my clothes out of the machine and put them to dry. I did take the bedding off this morning so I had to do that. And that was a good thing. Because clean bed tonight yeahhh.

Now I feel I am falling apart. So before I do anything stupid I am going to watch some Netflix and try to rest.
You've done amazingly today. It's going to feel overwhelming at times. Hope you're watching something good on Netflix!

Flo
07-03-19, 10:33 AM
Well on the plus side.....you know what you need to do when you feel yourself dropping a bit. Well done.

Suzi
07-03-19, 02:42 PM
How are you lovely?

OldMike
07-03-19, 05:46 PM
Just stopping by to wave (hi)

Mira
07-03-19, 06:11 PM
Hi Mike, waving back ��

I got scared today. Scared about what going on with me. I think its not good to say it all here but I think i am slipping deeper.

Mental health issues and eating disorder :(

Paula
07-03-19, 07:30 PM
Oh sweetheart (panda). Does it help to know I get scared too, more than I admit ......? Youíre not alone in this

Jaquaia
07-03-19, 07:42 PM
If you don't feel comfortable talking here, what about in one of the private sections you have access to? We will never judge you lovely (panda)

I get scared too, I think we all do

Suzi
07-03-19, 10:38 PM
Oh hunni (panda)(panda)(panda)

Mira
08-03-19, 06:38 AM
Thanks (bear)

Flo
08-03-19, 07:47 AM
Morning love.....someone else up early(yawn). I get very anxious and scared too! Sometimes I feel like I'm a hopeless case. I can go weeks feeling ok and 'normal' then something will happen that will trigger my 'scared' button and I implode. And whatever it is isn't at all rational. But Jaq's right I think we all do. It seems to be part and parcel of anxiety and depression, but you can join a private section as she says. We all understand what it's like. What are you up to today?

Mira
08-03-19, 07:55 AM
Good morning Flo, how are you doing today? I am always up early. But its also an hour later here. So i get up at 7 your time.

I am getting ready to start the day. Making lunch and about to head out for work. I dont work full hours now. Because of me being unwell.

I am having a hard time getting started. Still feeling the same as yesterday. And trying not to SH.

I am on the private parts as well. But I dont want to make people worry. Its almost the weekend. But somehow i dread those now too.

I do hope you will have a great day. Thanks for asking about mine (bear)

Paula
08-03-19, 08:45 AM
Of course weíll worry, we care about you. But that doesnít mean we donít want to know - part of friendship is being there in the tough times as well as the good. Talk to us, hunni, please ......

Flo
08-03-19, 09:13 AM
Getting ready to start the day and getting lunch? You're functioning and that in itself is fantastic! What do you work at (if that isn't too personal a question). As for weekends, I don't like them either, especially Sunday. Can you do something out of your normal weekend routine like meeting a friend for lunch, and spending the day together? Paula's right, we're all here for each other so talking is 'good', besides, it's good for us too! Nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. Look forward to hearing about your day.xxx

Jaquaia
08-03-19, 09:23 AM
Paula's right you know.

Suzi
08-03-19, 10:02 AM
Can't agree with the others strongly enough. We're not going to stop talking to you because you are struggling. We worry about you because we care about you. You are a bright and kind hearted soul who we're come to love over the years we've known you!

OldMike
08-03-19, 04:34 PM
We all care Mira, we like to hear how your day went, I think those of us with depression do get scared at times, especially when things are going badly but you'll get past it (bear)

Mira
08-03-19, 04:59 PM
You are all to kind. Thanks for all the warm caring replys.

I am in a bad place. Lots of Self loathing. Bad Thoughts, SH and everything else that is not good. But I will be ok.

Suzi
08-03-19, 05:42 PM
OK you've acknowledged that you're having a difficult day. You can stop the SH now and you can try to build in a more positive end to the week.

Can you think of any positives for this week? Try really hard - join in the FAb 5's. Thoughts are "just" thoughts. You don't have to act on the bad ones at all. You can fight this.

Mira
08-03-19, 06:34 PM
I am doing my best. Right now i just want the pain to go away.

Suzi
08-03-19, 07:36 PM
I totally understand that love.... (bear) It will.... Just fight it one second at a time if you need to. Each second you can fight is a total win....

Mira
11-03-19, 12:27 PM
At the moment I am without a hobby. Everything is kind of triggering me. Even things I like.

But that leaves me alone and bored. So i was wondering. My dream is to do a uni degree. But thats for the future. Although i was wondering if anybody here knows how to do it for fun at home. I am looking into writing essays etc. But have zero idea how.

Jarre
11-03-19, 02:02 PM
There's some good videos on youtube on essay writing and a quick google gives you some ideas and guides etc. Just hang in there mate please, its hard yes, but you are worth something to alot of people. You say your hobbies are triggering, what is forcing that trigger onto you?

Jaquaia
11-03-19, 02:43 PM
Oh! Have a look at this http://www.open.ac.uk/about/open-educational-resources/openlearn

The Open University does loads of free courses, you might find something to interest you among them. Also, before you start a degree, many universities offer access to higher education courses.

Mira
11-03-19, 03:51 PM
@Jarre, Thanks. I did google it and had a look myself. But when I do that doubt sets in. And I get confussed. Am I looking at the right thing? When I did the course for work I bought 5 books on how to learn and use a memory palace. That time should have been spend on doing some actual work haha.

With hobbies I have the same problem. Am I doing it the right way. I am not getting any better. Instead of enjoying the yourney I dread it and its never good enough. Doubt is my enemy number one.

@Jaquaia, thats great, I am going to dive into it after dinner. I am a little beat after some stress at work. But with some food in me I am eager to look. Thanks.

Suzi
11-03-19, 09:41 PM
What's up at work lovely?

Mira
11-03-19, 10:05 PM
They went on and on about me not going to dinner with my coworkers in 2 weeks. And then I did not manage to fix certain things.

I don't want to complain all the time. So I think I am going to bed. I hate this. Me just complaining and feeling horrible. I keep thinking its best to disappear.

Paula
11-03-19, 10:45 PM
Please donít disappear, hunni, we miss you when youíre not around (panda)

magie06
11-03-19, 11:10 PM
Please don't go anywhere. You have been an inspiration to me since I returned here. If you go, where will you talk about what's on your mind?

Suzi
12-03-19, 09:42 AM
Why are you not going to eat with your colleagues? Do you have people you are OK to sit with when you are there?

Please don't disappear.
Can you try to find 1 positive thing each day? It doesn't have to be something huge, but something little like the smell of a cup of tea or flowers coming into bloom or someone smiling at you? That way you start to search for the positives. It's hard, even harder when you are really struggling, but it is important...

Jarre
12-03-19, 01:33 PM
Having hobbies you don't have to be ace at them as its doing the hobby that is the main thing, My friend in Aus fishes, he doesn't catch many if any sometimes but it gives him quiet time and do something he enjoys. The essay thing is just a little guidance of how to set them up but so just a little guidance rather than anything else to help. The problem is you keep setting the bar high on everything you do, you are very hard on yourself when you do something, there is no such thing as failure, just learning and experience so it doesn't matter if you not the top at something, its the journey and time doing the activity and it gets boring to do it perfect and the same each time, try looking at things differently and keep that negative side locked in a box, basically give yourself a break there is no such thing as perfect so you don't have to try and aim for something that doesn't exist. Just something to think about and challenge your comfort zone on.

OldMike
12-03-19, 02:58 PM
With hobbies you don't have to be an expert, you just need something that keeps you occupied and you enjoy doing.

Suzi
12-03-19, 04:21 PM
How are you Mira? You're quiet....

Mira
12-03-19, 05:00 PM
I am not doing well. Took the day off and have been on the couch all day feeling bad. Everybody is right with what they say about hobbies. There just is not a single one that I can enjoy just for doing it. I know its about trying to relax and doing it for the experience. But I can not do that. I have been trying all my life.

So I am trying to come to terms with that. So I am trying to enjoy just watching tv and netflix. I do think I am not capable of doing anything else.

Thanks for asking.

Jarre
12-03-19, 06:19 PM
What is it that is stopping you? is there something we can help you target to deal with?

Mira
12-03-19, 06:31 PM
That would be awesome. I have had a lot of hobbies through the years. And I have stopped all of them because of the same reasons. I was pretty good at bowling. I used to write poetry. I wanted to make a blog about german U boats in the second world war. I wanted to learn. I did caligraphy. And I wanted to draw. I tried knitting. And a lot of sports. Baking etc etc.

At first I can get into it. And enjoy myself. I like figuring things out and going for them. But then I get caught up in details. And I lose myself trying to get it right. And then I can only focus on whats going wrong instead of what I am doing. I even get triggered by instagram and reddit because I am either not doing enough or its not good enough. And then I start feeling sick just thinking of it. So for me relaxing and enjoying the proces is something I can not do. And sadly you can see almost everything paired with a progressbar.

I do not know if I am explaining it in a good way.

Mira
12-03-19, 06:36 PM
The sad thing is that now I can not even enjoy things that should be relaxing by default. Like netflix or gaming. Because I should be productive. Clean the house. Learn something. Perfecting something. My own search for perfectionism is keeping me down.

Jarre
12-03-19, 07:39 PM
Then the biggest question is why do you have to be perfect? Is it for yourself or are you afraid of others judging if your not? Was their something in the past that has made you think this way? And if you know that then that is a good starting point to go through and challenge. In small steps of course but it is a starting point.

Mira
12-03-19, 07:43 PM
That is a good question. I don't know the right anwser. But I do know that if you and me would do the same thing. Doesnt matter what it is. I would like yours and mine would be horrible. That feeling I have all the time with everything I do. So I don't know how to take small steps and get better at dealing with it.

I should just go to bed and forget it all. Sorry my mood is not to great. Thanks for your reply's Jarre. I always like and appreciate your opinion.

Paula
12-03-19, 09:38 PM
This appears to be something youíve battled all your life so theres never going to be a quick answer to it. But I believe that answer is going to come through therapy/counselling. I know youíre waiting for that support so maybe itíd be better for your mental health if you try to accept that, until that support comes through, trying to force your brain to switch from something itís always done is going to be close to impossible. What Iím trying to say is that you need to give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up and look forward to getting the help that may just help you deal with this

Suzi
12-03-19, 10:25 PM
Can I ask you something? You never have to answer... but...

What if you did something and you weren't perfect? What would be the worst thing about that?
Or what if I came to your house and caught you watching netflix and not cleaning? What's the worst scenario? I bet I can guess... but do you know what love? None of us are perfect and if I came to your house and it was a mess I'd sit with you and watch a show and then help if you wanted to, or suggest we went out for a coffee, because the state of your house isn't something that is important to me, it would be seeing you and spending time with you that would always be more important....
But I see it - Marc's always striving to be perfect too.... His psychotherapist thinks it comes from his f*cked up childhood. He'll always struggle, but he is seeing that true perfection actually isn't real..
Also did you know that when the Mormons make something they deliberately add in a mistake as they believe that the only thing that is perfect and can create perfection is God...

Mira
13-03-19, 08:18 AM
For the outside world I don't think that would matter that much. But for me it would say I am not good enough. If you would come round with the house looking like it is now I would not open the door and pretend to be out, or asleep. I know that most people do not care about things like that. But I do.

And people do say they don't care. But I have been around people enough to hear them complain and talk behind peoples backs. Oh have you seen how he was dressed lately? Wow he did not say good morning. What an attitude. Did you see his garden?

So its not that its all in my mind. People can be brutal. I try to never be that way and I am happy I am not.

Jaquaia
13-03-19, 10:03 AM
One thing one of my counsellors taught me was try not to look at tasks as a whole, break them down. So with regards to cleaning, don't look at the full room, do it one bit at a time then take a break. So the bathroom for example, clean the bath and take a break. Clean the toilet and then take a break. Clean the sink and tidy round then take a break. Clean windows/mirrors then take a break. Empty bins and clean the floor. By breaking it up into small tasks rather than looking at it as the whole room, it is less intimidating.

Mira
13-03-19, 12:13 PM
This is a great way of tackeling those problems. Thanks for sharing this. Your awesome.

Jaquaia
13-03-19, 12:59 PM
I'm just me. I just know it really helped me and hope it can help you.

Another thing she got me to do was keep a mood diary and write 3 positives a day. It didn't have to be huge positives, if I was having a bad day, something as simple as getting up and getting dressed was enough, but it did help me see that things weren't as bad as I initially thought. They were still bad, I mean I was self-harming, neglecting my health because of how rubbish I felt and sleeping a lot, but it helped me a lot to see that there were still positives. Some days my positives were got up, got dressed, made sure I ate and drank. Could you try that?

magie06
13-03-19, 01:47 PM
Jac's idea has helped me too. I got into the habit of writing 3 positives and it's something I still do. Even last week when I wasn't very well, I still managed to write up my 3 positives. On Sunday, I wrote that I managed to go to the room next door without blacking out.
I also do the task of breaking down jobs into small parts. I know anyone looking on would think, oh well there's that person, doing nothing. But I see an improvement. And at the end of the day, it's me that matters.

Please remember that YOU are the most important YOU in your life. We love to see you here, and would like to keep sharing what has worked for us and crying over what hasn't.

Suzi
13-03-19, 04:16 PM
I break things down too - It's the only way I can do anything, so I don't even see it as a coping strategy!

Mira
14-03-19, 06:39 AM
Thanks all i will give this a try. It would be great if it can help me to get things done.

Paula
14-03-19, 08:54 AM
Morning, hunni,you ok?

Suzi
14-03-19, 11:25 AM
How are you lovely?

Mira
14-03-19, 11:53 AM
In a pretty dark place. But i will be ok. Dont want to turn into the doom and gloom guy. That person always get avoided.

Suzi
14-03-19, 11:59 AM
I don't ever see you as a "doom and gloom" guy... I just want to give you a huge big knuffel knuffelen! (bear)(bear)

Mira
14-03-19, 12:02 PM
A nice good knuffel is always welcome (bear)

Jaquaia
14-03-19, 12:29 PM
This is your thread on a depression forum. Talking about how bad your day is and why is not being doom and gloom, it's talking about how your illness is affecting you that day. Sometimes sharing those thoughts can help. People talk here in their darkest hours, we expect that and no one will ever judge you for it, so please, feel free to share your dark days as much as the brighter ones (panda)

magie06
14-03-19, 01:11 PM
Exactly. It's nearly more important to share the harder days than the easier ones. Please talk to us. We really want to know you better and help if we can.

Mira
14-03-19, 03:15 PM
Ok, I will try.

I have been thinking of overeating again. I can not get it out of my mind. The thing is that i am so worried I might develop bulimia. So now I am on the couch thinking I need food, I need food. But thats not all. Then I think I am a bad person because of it. So I do not deserve to watch netflix. Or do anything fun. Thats only for good people. This makes it worse and worse. Then somebody laught at my spelling earlier on. It was English and I made a mistake. So I feel horrible about that. I can not get things right today. Maybe I need more lessons. I can do better. So this leaves me spinning and spinning until I hurt myself. Or overeat and purge. Or wait till bedtime and sleep. The last thing is almost the worst one because there is no release that way.

Sorry all, i did try to keep it light and easy.

Jaquaia
14-03-19, 03:24 PM
You have no need to apologise lovely.

Shall I tell you what I take from all that? That you are suffering and need help to deal with your pain, and that the person who laughed at you for spelling a word wrong in a foreign tongue is an absolute cockwomble!!!!! I would say that you're a fluent english-speaker. And even native speakers make spelling mistakes. So you have absolutely no need to feel badly about that, it says more about them then it does about you.

I wish I could help with the eating thing. One thing I had suggested was drinking water makes you feel fuller? I don't know if that might help?

Paula
14-03-19, 04:24 PM
^^^wss couldnít have said it better

OldMike
14-03-19, 05:34 PM
I totally agree with what Jaq said.

English is my native language yet I often make spelling mistakes so try not to worry about it.

Suzi
14-03-19, 07:18 PM
I don't think the overeating has anything to do with feeling hungry/full does it?

Sweetheart I constantly make mistakes and English is my first language and I have many qualifications in it too! Anyone who laughs when someone makes a genuine mistake isn't worth bothering with - unless it was Marc's psychotherapist ... Let me explain.
Marc's Psychotherapist I will call R and she is Greek (and amazing).
Marc was struggling to leave the house when he met her and they had been building up to him going to the sessions alone and then on going out alone etc... One of his sessions (about 9 months into it) he came home laughing so much. Apparently his homework that week had made him laugh. It took a lot for him to explain without laughing. She had said that she wanted him to go to Kingston (a big town near here) and expose himself... In English that means something different for what she meant! She meant for him to go into Kingston, stay a while and come home, then go back and go further and stay longer and come home - exposure therapy. What it meant in the way she said it was for him to go to Kingston and expose himself (show off his body/bits)!! We still laugh about that. It's so funny! She thought it was really funny too!

Everyone makes mistakes. You are HUMAN... you do what you can.....

Mira
14-03-19, 11:11 PM
I find it real difficult to say what the eating is about. I am hungry a lot even after meals. And during the day. But i had a year of things going good because i did lose a lot of weight. So this is all a bit new to me sadly.

I would crack up about things like that too. My friend is married to a girl from Hungary. And she made slip ups like that. It used to crack us up. But never in a mean horrible way.

Feeling low now so back to bed. Good night all.

Jaquaia
14-03-19, 11:31 PM
Hope you feel better in the morning lovely (panda)

Suzi
14-03-19, 11:38 PM
Hope tomorrow is brighter for you!