Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Suzi]

Mira is spot on!
Ash treated you appalling! He doesn't deserve your thoughts and you have nothing to feel guilty about!!

[Mira]

How are you doing today? Are you ok?

[Jaquaia]

I'm just tired but just plodding through my uni work and listening to Cabin Pressure

[Paula]

Yet again, Ash proves why should not be with him. That is bullying, controlling behaviour and typical emotional abuse. Block him, please

[Jaquaia]

I hadn't thought of it in that respect before. I thought I would have picked up on it after dickhead

[Suzi]

Have you blocked him yet?

[Jaquaia]

I have.

[Suzi]

I'm really glad. You don't need that kind of bas*ard in your life love. You deserve to be happy and treated like a Princess...

[Jaquaia]

Sometimes I have to remind myself that what I have with J is real. Earlier for example, we were talking about the Holocaust as he was reading a book about the rail network in Nazi Germany (I know! Light reading for a sunday(think)) and he was talking about how some railway workers asked to be transferred off the "resettlement" trains and he was saying the he couldn't understand why so many people let it happen so I told him about a study conducted just after the end of WW2 by Adorno et al. that looked at authoritarian personality and how those with an authoritarian personality had the potential for fascism if the political and social climates were right. I know that all sounds very academic, and I suppose it is, but it's the first time in so long where I can have a serious conversation and share my knowledge and intellect and not be shouted down as showing off or as my opinions are wrong and not important itms? With most others in my life, I tend to "dumb down" my vocabulary as it's easier than explaining what words mean or worrying that they'll think I'm a snob. He's the only person in my actual, physical, day to day life that I can fully be myself with

[Suzi]

I think that's pretty epic....

[Mira]

This is what its about. Being able to be yourself around someone. It does not even matter in what way or form. But being able to express yourself without having to adapt everything or change things is being with the one you should be with.

Its always easy to tell if someone is being a snob in how they express themselfs. And its always easy to make fun of people that use different words.

I hate that. But I know you are not like that at all.

I am losing my thoughts a little bit. Sorry about that.

Thing is nobody should treat people like they are wrong or worth less or more than anybody else.

There are times where i can learn more from the lovely lady that does the cleaning at work then from the manager.

Everybody is important. I love hearing words i dont know yet (party)

Sorry this was a bit all over the place.

[Jaquaia]

I got dragged shopping ;( on the plus side, I have new slippers and my dad bought me a pigs in blanket sandwich!

[magie06]

Well done on getting out. You need a break from the books.

[Jaquaia]

But shopping magie??? Shopping???? It's my idea of hell!!!

[Suzi]

Shopping? That doesn't sound fun, but YAY slippers!

[Jaquaia]

My last pair were falling apart but I only wear the ballerina kind and last time I was in Asda they only had fur lined ones! Can't wear them as they make my feet too hot

[Mira]

Is it weird if I say I like shopping?

[OldMike]

I'm not one for shopping, the local Co-op for food and Amazon for the rest :)

As a kid used to hate being dragged round the shops with mum and dad like you say Jaq sheer hell, the plus side you got some new slippers :)

[Jaquaia]

Mira, I love book shopping!!! The rest I do online!

[Suzi]

I agree, it totally depends on what you are buying and where you are going....

[Mira]

Thats true, there are so many nice shopping trips but a lot of bad ones as well. The necessary evils in the world :)

[Paula]

Does it surprise you that I love shopping?? (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

I'd ve more surprised if you said you didn't like shopping (giggle)

[Suzi]

So, how're you doing lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired. Finished all my reading though, only have 3 assignments left one is a multiple choice test which I've done. Just need to check the answers tomorrow and then submit it. Settled down watching Shakespeare and Hathaway now with a huge bag of orange smartie eggs!

[Suzi]

Go you!

[Jaquaia]

The dinner is 4 weeks on Friday and I'm starting to panic again about it. Why do I do this every year???

[Suzi]

You know you'll love it. So.... What are you wearing?

[Jaquaia]

https://www.dropbox.com/s/9dtvm5eq3xgnex7/Screenshot_20181027-002258_Chrome.jpg?raw=1

I bought it last year for a friends wedding but never wore it as I ended up getting an appointment with the nurse prescriber. I've lost 3 stone since then so it hangs much better. So that, with tights and black ankle boots and the earrings J bought me for our anniversary :)

[Paula]

It’s gorgeous, but is it not too big? ;)

[Jaquaia]

Technically, yes!!! But I like how it doesn't cling yet the belt gives me a waist :)

The biggest problem is soup with those sleeves....

[Mira]

I agree, i bet it will look so good. Its really nice. I can see the soup though :)

But this must be a good feeling. Knowing that this is sorted. And in a great way.

Is J going to be there too?

[Jaquaia]

He is. It will be the first time I've ever taken someone important to me with me in 15 years of going so it's a huge thing for me.

Been sat downstairs about 10 minutes and my dad is doing my head in already, my anxiety is through the roof. Moaning about how oven chips don't taste right, fish cakes etc etc and how they should be deep fried. I've said that half the problem is that he leaves them in the oven too long but no, it tastes (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear), needs to be deep fried etc etc, I've even said that I can't eat greasy food, don't like greasy food as it sets my stomach off but he insists he is right. I've just said fine, you have yours deep fried and I'll oven bake mine and ended the conversation but he really can be an obnoxious arse. I'm really starting to detest living here but moving out means stopping driving lessons and I need to learn how to drive.

[Mira]

(panda)

When something like that happens it can make me anxious as well. Part of my problem is that I change completly to accomodate the other person. So while reading what you wrote I am rooting for you. I know it can not be easy. But you are right. If he wants them deep fried then go for it. And you can eat them out of the oven. I remember when they first came in the oven they where not great. But now they are. So then its fine. But I get anxious when people go on and on about it.

I can see how it is a big thing of taking him with you. But from what I can tell there would be no one better to bring :)

[Jaquaia]

A lot of it is his manner. Don't get me wrong, I love him to bits but I don't always like him.

[Suzi]

I can understand that..

I think it's great you are taking J!

[Jaquaia]

I've just bought a weekend bag off ebay. A suitcase will be too big and my backpack is getting tatty and it's an excuse but I don't care as it's pretty!!!

https://rover.ebay.com/rover/0/0/0?mpre=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebay.co.uk%2Fulk%2Fitm%2F 323640148712

I might have a slight problem with this pattern. I have it in pencil cases in navy and blue, my parents bought me a satchel bag in the dark blue at Christmas and I just ordered this in the grey...

[Paula]

That’s not a problem, that’s just building your capsule wardrobe ;)

[Suzi]

Definitely not a problem ;)

[Jaquaia]

It's such a pretty pattern!!! And now I'm dithering about going on the Thursday or waiting to travel over with J on the Friday...

[Suzi]

When is everyone else getting there?

[Jaquaia]

They'll start arriving the Wednesday/Thursday

[Paula]

What, in your heart of hearts, do you want to do?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I want to go with J but he will have the children the Thursday night. But then just the Friday will make it difficult to catch up with everyone and Tom and Cheryl are getting older and I don't know how much longer they'll keep doing this, plus Tom will be running around like a blue-arsed fly on the Friday. And then there's the money situation too...

And then I'm also nervous about facing Graham now he knows and that whole thing still makes me nervous...

[Suzi]

Don't be scared of Graham. This is your other family. He will want to hug you and protect you....
Then go on the Thursday night!
This is something that is such an important time for you each year - it's only once a year and when you don't get much time together! Go and spend every second you can with them - you and J have the rest of your lives...

[Jaquaia]

I know you're right. I might have to talk to my dad nicely...

[Mira]

I think so too. You should enjoy every minute of it as best you can. You deserve the time you have with them. I am sure J would agree.

[Jaquaia]

I think I'm worried that if I go up on the Thursday, J will find a reason to back out. He's promised he won't but I know he would rather have the children when he's able.

[Mira]

I can understand that you would feel that way. Having the kids is important. But this is only once a year. And important to you. And if he promised I am sure he will be there.

[Paula]

Do you really think he would hurt you like that? He loves you and knows how important this is to you

[Jaquaia]

I don't but then I'm not exactly known for logical thinking when it comes to me am I?

[Suzi]

Have you told him this is how you are feeling?

[Jaquaia]

Yes and he's promised me he won't back out. Still debating Thursday/Friday. Leaning towards the Friday due to cost, don't really want to lend off my dad.

And not convinced I've done the right thing, even though he's said he's not angry with me, but I messaged J's friend to let her know just how much he's struggling as I think he needs as much support as he can get right now...

[Suzi]

Borrow the money. Go on the Thursday....
And yes, fwiw I think you've done the right thing.

[Jaquaia]

Graham has offered to pick me up from the station if I go on the Thursday so don't have to worry about that

[Suzi]

Are you accepting and going on Thursday?

[Mira]

From how I can see it if you balance everything out a bit. The best thing would be yo go thursday. Especialy since you dont know how many times you might see them after this one.

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I'm still worrying about cost. If I lend money then I still need to pay my dad back and that will worry me, especially as I still owe him money from before Christmas. It's his birthday next weekend and I'm not liking that I can't get him as much as normal, and I know it's not what I get but the thought, I just like being able to spoil him a bit. He may be an arse at times but he has always made sure we had whatever we needed when we were growing up and still does now as much as he can. And it's J's mums 70th 2 days before my dads birthday so I need to find her something too...

[Suzi]

Sweetheart you are overthinking all of this.
Basically you only see this group 1ce a year. It's been a rough year for you all - spend the time with them. You don't want something to happen and then "if only I'd spent that extra time....."
Your Dad is still your Dad and he always will be, he won't care about the amounts and probably doesn't want you scrimping to buy him something. You always find such awesome and thoughtful gifts - he will treasure anything you do get him.
J's mum will not be expecting anything huge as you don't really know her. I'd go with something bath related or a pretty scarf if she wears them?

At some point you are going to have to put you first. Not money, not J, not your Dad, but YOU. You don't do it often. It's important. Do it.

[Paula]

^^^wss 100%

[Mira]

Yes i concur 100% with the above message :)

[Jaquaia]

I'm ordering her an orchid. She's turning 70 and hasn't had a great year herself so I think it should be something special.

I know I'm overthinking it and I'm driving myself crazy with it!

[Suzi]

An orchid sounds perfect.

Decide on going on Thursday.

[Jaquaia]

I've ordered her this one; https://www.bakker.com/en-gb/p/phalaenopsis-cadiz-M70620

I'm thinking that going on the Friday will stress me less as I shouldn't have to borrow anything and if I do, it won't be a lot. My dad ended up giving me the money I borrowed last year as he'd said about buying my laptop for uni but until he said that I was really stressed about not being able to pay him back. Plus if we go straight away from him dropping A off at nursery, we can be there by lunchtime.

[Suzi]

That's a beautiful orchid!

[Paula]

I bought my ex in laws an orchid for their silver wedding anniversary and they absolutely loved it. I think it’s perfect, lovely, and I’m sure she’ll love it.

[Mira]

I like it a lot. Orchids are some of the plants I love the most. My mum bought me my first one a week ago :)

Good choice.

[Jaquaia]

I'm already worrying that she won't like it...

I know I'm overthinking everything at the moment but I can't switch it off. On the plus side, I had another good driving lesson. We did our usual circuit and I did it on my own with minimal input from Bob, then did it in reverse which meant I had to make more use of lanes on the big roundabout, and ended with some junctions. He took me home the way he would direct me if I were to drive home myself that would enable me to miss a busy roundabout on a major road until I'm better at judging gaps, so yes! We're talking about me driving home in the next few weeks!

Amusingly, as we were heading back, we passed my old instructor. Huge smile and a big wave as we drove past (giggle)

[Paula]

(rofl) that’s awesome!

She will like it ....

[Strugglingmum]

I would love it if someone sent me that orchid. Lovely choice. X

[Suzi]

That's awesome!

We're in the process of changing Ben's instructor too... He's had 20 hours and hasn't turned right yet................................

Stop overthinking the orchid. It's beautiful. If she doesn't like it then she has no taste and you can send it to any one of us! :)

[Mira]

You and I share the overthinking. Its something I can not stop. I bet thats hard for you too.
One thing I notice after the thing I am worries about has passed. That it was fine, ok. And things I worry about are things that other people dont think about at all.

Like your gift.

I wanted to write down what I would worry about. But that might not be helpful at all :)

But the thing is. Its thoughtful, a nice thing to give. I never saw people get mad at getting flowers. And you are remembering her birthday.

Thats a win win win.

[Jaquaia]

I'm overthinking the orchid, my dads birthday presents, the dinner, money, uni, driving, what people think about me, everything! It drives me crazy but I don't know how to stop it so I try and ignore it. Even overthinking the fact that I've put Stereophonics tickets on my credit card! But I absolutely love them, they rarely come to Hull, I'm allowed to treat myself and it will be easily paid off, which will help my credit rating.

My bag has arrived too and it's so pretty!!!

[Suzi]

What if she doesn't like it? The worst would be that you would feel bad, but honestly love everyone here sees that it's a beautiful orchid, she can't be that different to us all surely?

[Jaquaia]

I think she's lovely. I really like them both. And I must have checked with J about 20 times before I actually ordered it. I'm irritable as well and struggling to be around people so I think that maybe my anxiety is higher than I realised...

[OldMike]

Just catching up on your thread, that's a beautiful orchid, is it for J's mum? I'm sure she'll like it.

Basically it depends on what J's mum is like, hope she's not like my brother in laws mum (who died last year at the age of 94) whatever you did was never right, if you didn't go to see here it was "no one ever visits me" and if you went to see her it was "what are you doing here, I'm going out", same with presents nothing was ever right it wasn't a case of getting old she was like that all her life, her hubby used to turn his hearing aid off so he couldn't hear her constant moaning, no wonder he spent most of his time on his allotment.

One week she had a neighbour's key so she could water the plants in their kitchen, first thing she said on return was "You should see the rubbish under their bed", beggars belief doesn't it (giggle)

Good for you treating yourself to see the Stereophonics.

[Jaquaia]

She's lovely. Both of his parents seem to have really taken to me. It's just me being me.

[Mira]

You being you is you being awesome. The overthinking is not doing you any favors. I know that all to well. But try to not stop it from you doing things.

[Suzi]

I'm not surprised that they have taken to you! You are lovely! But they will also have seen how much you love their son.....

[Jaquaia]

I always try and be myself

[Mira]

And it turns out that thats a wonderful person that people like and want to be friends with (nod)

[Paula]

But they will also have seen how much you love their son.....

I adore Katies boyfriend - he’s charming, kind, funny but the reason I adore him is because he patently adores my little girl and he looks after her. It’s pretty straight forward, really ;)

[Suzi]

I always try and be myself
So you should... You are amazing.

[Jaquaia]

I don't think I will ever see that but I'm slowly starting to like who I am...

[Suzi]

And that's f*cking amazing! I never thought you'd even say that!

[Paula]

That’s fricking awesome to hear!

[OldMike]

Wooohooo and so you should, you're a lovely person and we all love you (panda)

[Jaquaia]

It's not something that I thought I'd ever say, even a few months ago but it's something I've talked about a few times with Bob, about liking ourselves; I said that it's taken a long time to learn how to start liking myself but I'm getting there slowly, and I realised it's true. I don't always make the right decisions or choices, but I'm an inherently good and kind person, I always try and put others first, I'm empathetic and I' intelligent. Saying it feels like bragging but I know they're qualities I have.

[Mira]

I think those qualities are there for everybody to see. So thats in no way bragging. I think its awesome that you are starting to see a little for yourself what other people can see in abundance.

[Paula]

None of us always make the right decisions, we’ve all screwed up at one point or another. But mistakes are how we learn in life - my huge mistake marrying my first husband gave me Katie and actually gave me Si too. It’s the best mistake I ever made ;)

[Suzi]

Hey I can't tell you the amount of mistakes I've made, but without them I wouldn't necessarily be where I am today....

[Jaquaia]

They're taking the kids to the circus together and I'm really struggling with that and feeling like a horrible person because I'm struggling

[Suzi]

I'd be struggling too... It seems odd to me that they keep doing these grand days together..... Massive hugs love, you're definitely not horrible for feeling the way you are.

[Jaquaia]

Apparently she messaged him this morning suggesting it and he was thinking about taking them anyway. His reasoning seems to be that if they take them together there won't be any arguments like there was when he took them to the lego exhibition...

Still feel like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) though...

[Allalone]

You’re not a horrible person Jaq. It’s a natural response to the situation. I’d find it hard and I’m thinking the same as Suzi, why do they think it’s good for the kids to do these days together?! Big hugs flying your way now(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I suggested that they carry on doing the panto with the children as it's something the children are used to, and obviously birthdays. But I think days out together will confuse the children. A has already told her to "stop shouting at daddy" even though for once, she hasn't shouted at him, so her behaviour is obviously having an effect on them.

[Allalone]

Take care today hun. Keep posting on here and we’ll all help you get through it.xx

[Jaquaia]

I'll be ok. Just feeling sorry for myself

[Allalone]

(panda)

[Mira]

I just read what happened. I would be struggling too. A lot to be honoust. But you are not a horrible person for feeling that way. As the others have said its a more then normal response. And I agree with you that this is confusing for the children. From age 9 my mum left my stepdad. And thinking back on it I would be confused about what was going on if they did things like this together. Are they still in love? Are they getting back with eachother? Etc etc.

Even if for the adults its all clear it is sending mixed signals to the children.

So to me feeling the way you feel is completly logical and makes sense. But try to be kind to yourself about this situation. This is not on you (bear)

[Suzi]

Panto this year past fair enough, but the circus? What else are they throwing in? No. I'm sorry love, but I don't see this as being healthy for the children or for him!
I'm with you totally and think this is pushing it... but that's just my opinion...

[Jaquaia]

Panto this year too. They went to T's parents evening together, his school play too. I can understand that to some extent. It's good for him to see they're there for him. He keeps saying that he wants the deed of separation through as it will tie her hands a bit more legally, I just can't see much changing at the moment.

[Strugglingmum]

Jaq I would be really struggling with it all and I don't think you are horrible for struggling. I'm not very good at sharing the people I love so I totally get it..... and you're much nicer than me for not blowing a fuse at it.

[Suzi]

Panto this year too. They went to T's parents evening together, his school play too. I can understand that to some extent. It's good for him to see they're there for him. He keeps saying that he wants the deed of separation through as it will tie her hands a bit more legally, I just can't see much changing at the moment.

I understand that they went to the parents evening together. Play? I s'pose I can get that too - although I wouldn't sit next to her - but why do the panto this year too? I thought that he went with the children with his parents and she went along too? Why can't they drop her out of it? Why does she or should she want to go?

[Jaquaia]

They've always taken the children on their own before Christmas and with his parents after Christmas.

[Suzi]

Things change. I just don't see why they are continuing like this....

[Jaquaia]

I originally suggested them carrying on with the panto as I thought it would be good for the children to have a tradition that doesn't change. I can't shift the thought that she's going to suggest they try again though...

[Mira]

Ok I do not know what a panto is. But to be honoust. I think doing things together should be at a minimum. Like Suzi said. Be at the same event sure. But not sit together or go there together. To me thats just weird.

[Jaquaia]

It's a pantomime, it's a traditional play put on over the Christmas period here. I've never been to one

[Mira]

Ok thanks for explaining it to me. Do you know if this is something that will get less and less or if they think its a good idea to keep doing these things?

[Jaquaia]

I have no idea.

[Mira]

Sorry for asking those things. Did not mean to be rude or overstep.

[Jaquaia]

It's ok lovely. I don't think you were rude at all :)

[Suzi]

The panto? Why do they need to go twice? Surely she could take them to one and he and his parents and you when sorted can go at another time? I just don't get it....

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. I don't know if she's going with his parents next year. Everyone except her is trying to do their best and make things as easy as they can for the children. I can't fault them for that

[Suzi]

I can see that, but surely sending mixed messages to them isn't helpful?

Anyway, right now I'm more concerned about you.... (bear)(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Plodding mainly.

Anyway, J's friend messaged me tonight. She's got some time off and wants to meet me the Monday after we get back from Manchester

[Paula]

WTF??? No, love, the circus and panto are several steps too far in my book. The kids know they’re not together anymore and seem to have made their peace with that. They probably know a lot of kids whose parents have split up so will almost certainly know that the norm is not to do things ‘as a family’ anymore. She’s relying on J being the person he is and not wanting to rock the boat when actually, it’s time for him to draw lines in the sand.

[Jaquaia]

I do know someone who does loads with his son and ex wife, but they're still best friends, they just realised they didn't work together as husband and wife. I know it can be done, I think this is playing with fire though with how toxic she can be but then if it will benefit the children in the long run, I don't want to be the one to say no. Am I being too nice?

[Suzi]

Yes. I don't think this will benefit the children at all. I think he's completely out of order.

[Jaquaia]

I wouldn't go that far. I know from personal experience how much easier it is to go along with things to avoid arguments when your mental health isn't great. I definitely think he's misguided. Plus T has asked a few times if she can go with them on days out so maybe he genuinely believes it's best for the children. I don't know.

[Paula]

While I get what you’re saying, protecting your own mental health while potentially confusing and upsetting your children is something I’d struggle justifying

[Mira]

My disorder makes me go along with everything somebody says. I find it ow so hard to voice my own opinion and do what I want. And you are right. It is much easier to go along with things when you are not at your best mentaly. But there is a downside to it. And that is that at first its easier. But then when it keeps going on it makes things harder and harder. And I don't think there is anything wrong with voicing your opinion about it. Thats what being in a relationship is about.

If things are easy thats one thing. But yesterday you were not ok with it. And thats not good for your mental health either.

[Suzi]

But what about you? What about your mental health? What about the messages his actions are showing you?

[Mira]

How are you doing today?

[Paula]

Did you have a good evening?

[Suzi]

You're quiet - is that because I've upset you? I really hope I haven't...

[Jaquaia]

It was lovely. Talia woke me up about 3am though and I struggled to get back to sleep so tired today.

We went out for lunch Suzi so I've not really had chance to look at the forum

[Suzi]

Glad you had a lovely evening and you you've spent time together today! It's good you haven't been looking at the forum!

[Flo]

Just been looking over people's posts. I haven't been as active as I should be, so sorry for no input peeps. Jaq...have the divorce wheels been put in motion yet? Or is she dragging her heels? From what I have read, it all sounds a bit unhealthy to me. To some extent I can understand the 'anything for a quiet life' bit, but at some stage, for your well being - and the kids etc - they've got to call it quits and make a sensible split. This could drag on for years! But I hope it doesn't for your sake.

[Jaquaia]

Currently waiting for her to sign the deed of separation. As soon as that is done the mortgage can be sorted and the house signed over to him. He's having to ask for an extension of his mortgage offer though as she's being difficult about the deed of separation

[Suzi]

Why is she not signing? Is there no other way to make her hurry up and do it?

[Jaquaia]

She originally said that she didn't want everything she was legally allowed but only wanted about 10k yet has done nothing but complain about some things. Apparently him offering to pay for the kids dance class/judo is him trying to be the big man. He ran through it with her before it went to the solicitors and she said ok. The solicitor sent J a draft to check and she saw it and complained about some things so he had them changed. She got sent a copy to sign and kicked off about the car value he gave. He used values that similar spec and mileage cars are going for now but she's objected and accused him of trying to con her as his car is worth a lot less than hers, not really surprising considering his is 15 years old and has done almost 200,000 miles but who am I to use logic?! That was changed and she got sent another copy to sign and kicked off that the money her dad lent her to buy her last car wasn't accounted for. The money that HER insurance company paid out yet SHE lied to her dad and said it wasn't through and then spent it...

[Flo]

What a bloody nuisance! She's beyond belief isn't she?

[Jaquaia]

She's absolutely vile

Well his best friend wants to meet me when we get back from Manchester and she's already told me she's planning on removing all traces of her from the house...

[Paula]

Good on the best friend :)

[Suzi]

She really doesn't sound like a nice woman at all! I feel for the children being stuck with her!

[Jaquaia]

She isn't. Her biggest issue with him choosing me is "I can't believe you want that! It's like a slap in the face after all the weight I've lost"... yes... she did say that about me...

Talia woke me up again, tried to turn over around 4am and she was stopping me. So I'm tired today, but I have got the second part of my assignment done and got all the copy and paste stuff formatted and it's not due for another 2 weeks.

[Paula]

Sounds like the green eyed monster to me ....

[Suzi]

To be fair though I don't think it matters what size you are if you're a horrible person then it doesn't matter how slim you are no one will want to be around you....

Ignore her Jaq - you're a lovely person!

[Jaquaia]

Her ego got hurt. She told him that he's just gone for her 3 years ago. Well she can (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) off as I'm nothing like her. I'm not shallow, mean or a bully. I'm not vindictive or malicious. I may be a big girl but that's not all I am.

[Suzi]

You are intelligent, funny, reliable, caring and most of all kind. She appears to have none of those qualities...

[Mira]

Well all I can see is that J's improved 100% when it comes to the girls he wants to be with.

She sounds like a horrible not worth anybodys time woman. It might be nice that she lost some weight. But the things she needs to change are never going to happen. I am just grateful not everybody is as shallow as she is. She does not deserve half as much happyness as you do.

[Jaquaia]

It probably sounds stupid but I've always worried about how I look. I don't understand how J can be attracted to me. All I see is the imperfections; my size, my hair, the excess hair, the double chin. All I see is what I think is wrong with me and I have mastered showering without catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror because when I do see myself I feel nothing but hatred. I've been told all my life that I'm not good enough and it's stuck.

[Mira]

I cant sleep and I did not plan on going on dwd. But I read your post and I kept thinking about it. Because it makes me sad.

I am sure that when J sees you he sees it all. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I think of myself as ugly. But people tell me otherwise. I guess to make me feel better.

But try to believe that eventhough you feel that way there are people that see something different.

And i do believe that when a person can laugh and feel joy. No one is ugly.

I am having trouble finding words again. But the people who have told you that all your life. They are the ugly ones. Because ugly does exits on the inside.

If more people over the world were like you and lots of others here on this forum there would be no ugly in the world at all.

Maybe do look into the mirror. And think I matter. I am a good person. J loves me for me. I am good looking. And smile (panda)

[Allalone]

Jaq, J sees you. The you that we see on here. You are a kind, honest, intelligent, lovely and supportive person. I wish I had all of your qualities. You deserve J and J deserves you.
(panda)

[Suzi]

I cant sleep and I did not plan on going on dwd. But I read your post and I kept thinking about it. Because it makes me sad.

I am sure that when J sees you he sees it all. Beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder. I think of myself as ugly. But people tell me otherwise. I guess to make me feel better.

But try to believe that eventhough you feel that way there are people that see something different.

And i do believe that when a person can laugh and feel joy. No one is ugly.

I am having trouble finding words again. But the people who have told you that all your life. They are the ugly ones. Because ugly does exits on the inside.

If more people over the world were like you and lots of others here on this forum there would be no ugly in the world at all.

Maybe do look into the mirror. And think I matter. I am a good person. J loves me for me. I am good looking. And smile (panda)

I want to highlight this post. It's f*cking awesome and is completely spot on.

I honestly believe though that if you asked most people they would answer similarly to you - we can all see our own faults and I am totally the same as you. I can't understand why Marc is with me either - he could have had his pick of beautiful, slim, non illnessed people and yet he chose me. That's the bit I am trying to hold on to - he chose me. J chose you.

[OldMike]

Mira got it dead right with his post and as usual the Boss Lady was spot on.

[Paula]

From the very beginning Si took on an absolute nightmare situation with a relationship with me. He could have lost one of his best friends, his mother did not want us to be together and, though we didn’t know it at the time, he had to deal with my depression. Since then, my health has gone from bad to worse and yet he still tells me, and shows me, that he loves me every day. We don’t choose who we fall in love with but when we do, unless we’re really stupid, we hold on tight to that person. J has fallen in love with you and it doesn’t matter what you think of you, he loves you and doesn’t see any of that. Trust him to know his own feelings, and ignore yours in this respect

[Jaquaia]

You guys are all amazing and I love you all lots. Thank you (panda)

[Suzi]

Thing is, we all love you. You've allowed us to get to know the real you and we all love you because of it - not in spite of how you feel about yourself.... We can't all be wrong......

[magie06]

I hope today has been a little better for you. We've had lovely sunshine, I hope you had too.

[Jaquaia]

Thing is, we all love you. You've allowed us to get to know the real you and we all love you because of it - not in spite of how you feel about yourself.... We can't all be wrong......

Annoyingly, I tell J that. It's not fair when it's used against me!!!



I hope today has been a little better for you. We've had lovely sunshine, I hope you had too.

It's been good! Had a brilliant driving lesson this morning, he's talking about us doing new roads next week as he was impressed with me today. Helped my dad redo his small fish tank and I have Bluetones tickets! Seeing them twice and the Stereophonics in the space of 2 weeks!

[Mira]

Thats awesome. A lot for you to enjoy. You deserve it too!

[OldMike]

You guys are all amazing and I love you all lots. Thank you (panda)

Right back at ya you're amazing too, you make DWD and the world a far better place (panda)

[Suzi]

So glad you had a lovely day!

[Jaquaia]

My family really annoys me at times. J popped round to see me before work and when he walked in, the only person to acknowledge him was my mum. We talked in the kitchen a little bit then went upstairs, as my brother and dad were just talking about work and as my brother and his gf were leaving, he specifically shouted "see you later Jaq". It's so rude!!!

[Jaquaia]

Thesun is shining through my dads fish tank and it's pretty! :)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/dei9fh9fp5lkyma/20190419_190235.jpg?raw=1

[Suzi]

That is pretty!

That is so rude of them! Any reason why they act like that?

[Paula]

That is pretty!

That is so rude of them! Any reason why they act like that?

I was going to ask that....

[Jaquaia]

My dad is generally pretty quiet and J is too. He's very much like me, quiet, shy and introverted. My dad finds that difficult to deal with as he doesn't know what to say to him. My brother can be a bit of an arrogant arse

[Suzi]

Did J make a point of saying hi to them when he came in?

[Jaquaia]

He didn't, Talia pounced on him and my mum started talking to him. My brother does this all the time and he's got fed up of it, but I told him yesterday that if he makes a point of saying hi, my brotherr is the one who ends up looking like a rude arse.

[Suzi]

Yup, that's what I was going to suggest lol

How's you today gorgeous?

[Paula]

Has he spent time with your family? Perhaps you could all go out for a meal to get to know each other?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Tired and on edge. My sister is coming down as it's my dads birthday but I have no idea when and it has me on edge


Has he spent time with your family? Perhaps you could all go out for a meal to get to know each other?

He's spent time with my parents. He's met my brother a couple of times and instead of talking to him, my brother just went moaning to my sister as J just walked in the house... you know, just like my mum told him to ages ago... He's not met my sister, apparently she's not interested in anyone I'm seeing as it just ends up in an argument and this way she can't get in trouble. No love, acting like an adult actually helps, rather than a spoilt brat! Being civil costs nothing!

As it is, my brother and sister see each other lots as they work together too, they go out for food together yet never think of asking me if I want to go. And I'm fed up of reaching out to them and being rejected.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I'm sorry about that...

(panda)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I'm used to it. If I'm honest, I felt unwelcome today and it's my home. It just seemed to take her all her time to talk to me.

[Mira]

Ok one weird thing the Dutch do is congratulate everybody with someones birthday. So congratulations Jaq on your fathers birthday.

Sorry you are feeling that way. But I can understand real well. They are not being nice at all. Its not that hard to make an effort.

[Suzi]

I'm used to it. If I'm honest, I felt unwelcome today and it's my home. It just seemed to take her all her time to talk to me.
You shouldn't be used to it, you deserve better. Won't be forever though lovely x

[Jaquaia]

It's always been the same. If they have someone in their lives they have no time for me. My sister put a picture collage together on her fb last year and tagged her family and closest friends. Except me. I wasn't included at all. How was I supposed to interpret that?

[Suzi]

I do sympathise, I had the same and I still find things out via facebook... I know how much it hurts.. (panda)

[Mira]

Well I could only interpret that in one way. I always think its a shame when things go like this. If people were just a little considerate things would go way smoother. We don't need to be best friends with everybody. But kindness and considerate don't cost any money. And even more when its family people should make more effort.

It seems all the caring and kindness ended up with you Jaq.

[Jaquaia]

When I say I have no one here but J, I really do mean that. My parents have never tackled them about how they treat me as they don't want the conflict.

[Mira]

I know what you mean, I have a brother and sister and eventhough we get along my sister can be selfish and rude. And nobody says something about it just to keep the peace.

[Suzi]

I'd hate any of my children to feel as you do. I'd move heaven and earth to make it OK for any of them.... I fail to comprehend why yours haven't..

[Jaquaia]

I'm probably being cynical but access to their granddaughter seems to be more important.

Just like when I told them my last result, I know my dad was joking but "what happened to the other 7%?" kind of took the shine off my achievement, it made me feel like I didn't do well enough.

[Mira]

I love making jokes. I love seeing people smile. But I always try to do it in a way that everybody can laugh. And what your dad said is not funny. There is a time for a joke but this was the best time ever to be suportive and proud of what you did. It should have lifted you up. And not put you down.

How are you today?

[Suzi]

Aww, I'm guilty of saying that to Hazel before when she got 78/80 on her maths test - but I followed it by reminding her how amazingly proud of her I am every day no matter whether she gets 1 or 100.... It's not the same, but each time you've said your mark I've been amazingly proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

I love making jokes. I love seeing people smile. But I always try to do it in a way that everybody can laugh. And what your dad said is not funny. There is a time for a joke but this was the best time ever to be suportive and proud of what you did. It should have lifted you up. And not put you down.

How are you today?

I'm ok, but tired. The weather is lovely so I'm doing the washing and getting it out on the line.


Aww, I'm guilty of saying that to Hazel before when she got 78/80 on her maths test - but I followed it by reminding her how amazingly proud of her I am every day no matter whether she gets 1 or 100.... It's not the same, but each time you've said your mark I've been amazingly proud of you!

Thank you! :)

One thing that has stuck in my head is the day I got my A-level results. I rang my mum and told her, A, B, C, D...

"And?"
"Mam, I got an A!"
"Yeah. And what else?"

She has always denied saying that but I have a memory for remembering things like that, it drives J crazy!

I think I only got a half-hearted well done when I got my GCSE results, and that's with going to a crap school and still coming out with 3 C's, 5 B's, 2 A's and an A*. And when I graduated, my dad seemed more bothered about getting back to the pub then getting some nice photos to remember the day...


Oh and the D got upgraded to a C.:)

[Suzi]

My Mum was the same.....

Hope you've had an ok day lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I've done all the washing. Feeling a bit meh but I'll live

[Suzi]

(bear)(panda)

[Mira]

How are you today? Did it go better then feeling meh?

[Suzi]

I hope today has been better....

[Jaquaia]

I've been restless. Couldn't settle to uni work, not done anything at all really. Finished season 3 of Vikings and watched an episode of No Angels but struggled to concentrate enough to follow what was going on.

[Suzi]

What's on the agenda for this week?

[Jaquaia]

Out for lunch with J tomorrow and he's staying over so watching this weeks GoT and Line of Duty. We'll probably go for lunch on Wednesday then it's studying for the rest of the week. I have an assignment due in a week tomorrow.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you two are getting some time together....

[Mira]

Being restless is not the best. But you are doing so good overall. And there have been some stressful moments. So its ok to have a few days like that. Like Suzi said its good that you are spending time with J together. Thats what matters.

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you?

[Allalone]

Enjoy your day out with J!

[Jaquaia]

I'm tired. I need to get up as we're possibly going up to Hornsea this morning.

[Suzi]

Hope you have a wonderful day!

[Paula]

Have fun today :)

[Jaquaia]

Change of plan! A refused to go to nursery this morning so J got to me late so we went to Fort Paull instead.

http://www.fortpaull.com/

Some of it dates back about 500 years and it's a strange but fascinating place. It was very tranquil and peaceful. Lots of underground exhibits and they could do amazing things with proper funding. Weird that I've never been when I grew up only a 15 minute drive away!

Then we went for lunch and ended up sat with my parents, sister and niece. My sister barely said a word to either of us, just hiya when I introduced J. He did get a hug off Scarlett though :)

Currently sat reading Pride and Prejudice while he has his counselling session and then home to watch GoT, Line of Duty and eat cake!

[Mira]

That seems like a lovely trip. Fort Paull looks good. And what a huge airplane!

The good part for J is that its all about you. So even if your sister is silent. She is not around as much as the 2 of you are. Hope you enjoy the rest of your time together.

[Jaquaia]

It's been a lovely day. GoT was amazing!!!! I had goosebumps!

Oh and I got my iCMA result back... 19/20, so 95% :)

[Mira]

Thats awesome. Congratulations. The work you are doing for it is great! Another reason to celebrate :)

[Suzi]

That looks like a lovely place to spend some time!
GoT was AMAZING!

Congratulations love! That's awesome!

[Strugglingmum]

Congratulations Jaq. All the hard work is paying off.

[Allalone]

Well done Jaq!!

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous!

[Paula]

Well done, hunni. Do you believe you can do this yet?