Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

Almost had a heart attack this morning!!! I was coming off a roundabout and just starting to build my speed up when a woman started to pull out of a side street ahead of me, my instructor had to break! My heart is only just settling down to normal!

[Paula]

My dad always told me that I’d have hundreds of near misses in my driving life. But that they are misses and nothing happened. It shakes me up every time but I just try to take what he said to heart.

[Mira]

Thats so true. I have had a few times where that happened. Where my heart was in my throat. With kids running into the streets and all.

But i try to think of those times i was shaken as a positive. Nothing happened. It all went ok. It might be a simple thought but a near miss is the same as missing by a mile. Nothing was hit.

Your doing a good job. And you are going to become a good driver.

[Jaquaia]

Her husband pointed out what she'd done and they both apologised but it did make my heart race. That being said though, I was doing junctions by the end of the lesson and driving on side streets and have done a lot of work on breaking and changing down :)

[magie06]

You are doing so, so well. You have come such a long way in such a short time. You must be telling yourself that you are proud by now???

[Jaquaia]

Not really but I can see what J means now when he said enjoying my lessons will make it so much easier for me. Bob, my instructor, is brilliant. If I do something wrong he will talk me through things and get me to tell him why what I did was wrong. I told him I was struggling with knowing when to change down so he did work on braking with me when there was no traffic behind me and got me driving without gas in each gear so I could see how fast the car went on its own. It's made it clearer for me. Even when I do make mistakes, I can still see the positives and that is huge for me

[Suzi]

Sounds to me like you handled it brilliantly! I'm so incredibly proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

It did rattle me and it took me a while to settle down again but I think I did ok. It was really bright too so my eyes are hurting a bit. Don't tell J he was right about taking my sunglasses....

[OldMike]

I agree with Suzi you did very well with your driving.

[Suzi]

It did rattle me and it took me a while to settle down again but I think I did ok. It was really bright too so my eyes are hurting a bit. Don't tell J he was right about taking my sunglasses....
If you didn't get a bit shocked then you'd be a terrible driver! The fact you were rattled showed you cared and you were concentrating!

[Jaquaia]

I hadn't thought of it like that.

My right knee and ankle are throbbing today. Didn't help that when I pulled my folder to me to put some work in, I whacked it into my knee, metal edge first...

[Suzi]

OOO ouch! Can you rest it? Tiger Balm?

[Paula]

Ouch .....

[Jaquaia]

I need to buy more tiger balm! Love that stuff!!! Debating having a break from studying tonight or carrying on. The next audio is on lobotomies!!!!

[Jaquaia]

Tiger balm is definitely on the list I think! My shoulder is throbbing! Trying to decide whether I should get the red or the white...

[Suzi]

I always get both!

[Jaquaia]

Ordered both, £6 off amazon for one of each! My wrists have joined in on the throbbing action now :( headache has eased a lot though. I took some ibuprofen and decided to leave lobotomies until saturday!!!

[Paula]

Ordered both, £6 off amazon for one of each! My wrists have joined in on the throbbing action now :( headache has eased a lot though. I took some ibuprofen and decided to leave lobotomies until saturday!!!

*snickers*

[Suzi]

*rofl*
How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Well that's what happens when I post while tired! (giggle)

Everything seems to have stopped aching but then I haven't got up yet!

[Suzi]

Hooray for stopping aching!

[Jaquaia]

Not gone out with Sarah tonight, flaring again so left her with the company of her friend!

[Suzi]

Did you have fun with her during the day?

[Paula]

Not gone out with Sarah tonight, flaring again so left her with the company of her friend!

Sensible. Well done for saying you’re not up to it

[Suzi]

Morning hunni, how are you?

[Jaquaia]

Achey, I was dozing off and on a lot of last night which makes me think it's still a RA flare and not bursitis like I originally thought yesterday.

Yesterday was good! And I got to spend some time with J too so bonus!

I can be sensible occasionally Paula ;)

[Suzi]

Glad you had a good day lovely!

Hope you're pacing today?

[Jaquaia]

Poor J was terrified that Sarah would hate him so had to ask her what she thought! Bless him.

I'm doing some work but not pushing myself to get loads done. I've heard back from the OT. She's been on her own, not even had admin staff, but I should be among the first lot she sees as my referral was July. It might help if I can find a decent chunky pen..

[Suzi]

Hoorah!

I've always found fountain pens much easier than biro/rollerball to write with. I still use them now for as much as possible! They also come chunkier too!

[Jaquaia]

Funnily enough, J has been saying about fountain pens. He finds them easier to use with his dyslexia as he has slight coordination issues. I will have to get one and try it. I used to love writing with fountain pens.

[Mira]

I am a huge fan of fountain pens. One I use almost daily is the Lamy Safari. Its not expensive and great quality. I find it a treat to write with a fountain pen. Even while being a lefty.

[Suzi]

Omg that's so strange! I bought Ben one and then he bought me one as a surprise! Beautiful pens!!!

[Paula]

I have the most awful handwriting and am so grateful I was born in an age where most of my writing can be digital!

[Jaquaia]

Just realised it's the 20th on Wednesday which means I can choose my new modules. Still undecided about going full time but next year all the counselling and mental health stuff comes in which I find much more interesting!

Sometimes I wish someone would tell me what to do... adulting is hard!!!

[Suzi]

Talk through all your ideas with J, or us and see the decision that comes out...

[Jaquaia]

I would like to do full time as it means I can graduate in another 2 years rather than 4. In theory it will be about 40 hours worth of work a week, which I know I can do. I've managed 3 weeks worth of work in a week when I've needed to catch up quite easily, so I know I can do it. And I've already checked, the vast majority of work on my counselling courses are done in group and they've already said that they would be willing to give me an extension if the assessment deadline clashes with my uni deadlines. I'm just worrying, what if I'm not good enough? What if I can't cope with the workload? What if I get ill again? Catching up on one module was hard work, catching up on 3 modules will be horrendous!!! And then it will mean starting the final year of my degree alongside the first year of my level 4. Can I cope with that? Or do I do next year full time while I do my level 2 and 3 and go back to part time when I start my level 4?

And yes, I know I'm overthinking this massively...

[Paula]

You are more than good enough, and motivated enough. You will cope with the workload. However, if you get ill again and you’re temporarily not up to continuing, then you defer some until you’re up to doing more - the world won’t fall apart because you have to renegotiate some modules and you won’t be the first student who’s had to pause their studies ......

Oh, and for the record, I left home at 19 so you could say I’ve had to adult for 26 years and I still find it tough ;)

[Suzi]

I'm completely in agreeance with Paula. You are more than good enough!

[Paula]

I'm completely in agreeance with Paula. You are more than good enough!

Lol,are you trying not to say Paula’s right, again?? (giggles)

[Jaquaia]

Have been shopping with my parents and then my dad treated me to lunch. It was nice! Feel stuffed though, never normally eat so much during the day! Dessert has had to come home with me!

It might sound silly but I grabbed some toiletries for J to keep at mine and it feels like quite a big step! It gives things a sense of permanence itms? Which sounds ridiculous as I have always been able to imagine myself with him in 20/30 years time, but this is something tangible. It's ridiculous attaching so much meaning to him having his own toiletries at my house but I can be incredibly sentimental!

[Suzi]

It doesn't sound silly at all about the toiletries!
OO What did you have for lunch? Nice that you got out and had that time together as a positive!

[Jaquaia]

I had carvery gammon with chips, eggs and onion chutney. Have brought a chocolate praline tart home!!!

[Suzi]

Wow! Awesome! :) Sounds like a lovely lunch!

[Jaquaia]

It really was and I didn't get irritated having spent the whole morning with my parents. It's the first time I haven't been irritable in a while.

[Suzi]

That's awesome!
Do you know what has changed to make it so much better?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Getting out of the house probably helped. Tired now, my mood always seems to drop when I'm tired. Being peoplely is exhausting

[Paula]

It’s absolutely not ridiculous to have something of Js at yours. Like you say, it’s tangible evidence that he’s in your life, properly :)

[Suzi]

I agree people are exhausting!

[Jaquaia]

Took J for lunch today and then made him rest. He couldn't really do anything else when I was snuggled into him with his arm trapped under me! He's absolutely exhausted but struggles with resting as he's been told that makes him lazy so often! He starts counselling next Tuesday and is staying over so I've suggested going for a proper lunch so we can just grab a sandwich for tea in case he doesn't feel like socialising. That way we won't have to sit with my parents if he can't cope with socialising. Hopefully that will start to make a difference but every part of me wants to make things better for him and I can't and I hate that.

[Paula]

Hunni, you already are making things better for him by being a part of his life

[Jaquaia]

I don't agree but then you probably could have guessed I wouldn't!!!

I get to choose my modules from tomorrow too and still overthinking that. Sometimes it would be nice if my head was quiet.

[Suzi]

Paula is so right. You are making his life so much better.

[Flo]

I think you're really good for him! You're kindness and unselfishness is fantastic. He's never been used to it in the past has he? He's a lucky guy to have you.

[Jaquaia]

He hasn't. He is one of the sweetest, kindest men I have ever met. He's surprised that I'm not bothered by him having lunch with his best friend today. Her having boobs doesn't threaten me as I trust him and I know how much he loves me, I'm very secure in his love so I have no need to feel threatened. I suggested he take her for pizza and he said that wouldn't feel right as that's our thing (inlove) I thought that was really sweet! He even got a glowing report back from Sarah!! Yet doesn't understand how anyone could like him as he's been told so often that he's the problem.

[Suzi]

I trust him and I know how much he loves me, I'm very secure in his love so I have no need to feel threatened.
I needed to highlight this. This is amazing. I never thought I'd hear you saying that you were secure that someone loved you...

[Jaquaia]

I still have moments where I get incredibly insecure and worry that he'll get fed up of me and leave me, but I never doubt how much he loves me. He tells me multiple times, every single day and shows me with his gestures. Even Sarah commented that it's blatantly obvious how into each other we are.

[Jaquaia]

So I've bitten the bullet and applied for full-time study next year...

[Paula]

Woohoo! Well done hunni, I’m so proud of you!

[Flo]

Ian's best friend is a woman. That's who he stayed with in London for a weekend a couple of weeks ago. She's stayed with us too and I have no problems with it at all. It's useful because he gets feedback from a woman's perspective which helps a lot! Especially if they talk about moi!! In the nicest possible way of course!(mm) Good for you going full time.

[Jaquaia]

I'm still scared that I'm not good enough, I mean I struggled with full time study the first time round, but I have to keep reminding myself that I was ill and untreated. Things are different now.

Oh he's obviously had an affair with her Flo as a man and a woman can't possibly be just friends!!!! Sometimes I wish I could do Cruella serious damage for what she's put J through...

[Paula]

She may not know it yet but, by making him happy, you are doing Cruella damage as serious as it possibly could be - she’s going to be gutted, and you’re doing it in such a nice way ;)

[Jaquaia]

It will really annoy her when she finds out his parents love me (giggle)

[Suzi]

FTR I still don't know why Marc stays with me.... I've never understood or believed it for as long as we've been together (almost 20 years)

[Jaquaia]

Woohoo!!!! Actually starting this weeks work this week!!!! Ok so the week changes on a saturday but 2 days of doing this weeks work this week is brilliant considering how far behind I was!!!! Though can see me falling behind again as this weeks chapter is on inferential statistics, specifically chi squared... help!!!

Had a good driving lesson this morning! Actually feeling positive about it

[Suzi]

How was the driving lesson?

[Jaquaia]

It was really good! I made a few mistakes but he always goes through them with me, what I did wrong and how to rectify it etc. My road positioning was better, roundabouts were better, junctions were better than last week. I did a perfect angled start, and a really good normal start, my gear changes are smoother on the whole. I'm remembering to release the clutch before I add gas, my clutch control is pretty good and I'm starting to think more about changing down. So really well I think!

[Paula]

Brilliantly well!

[Suzi]

That's all so much different than with the last one.

[Jaquaia]

I feel much more comfortable with Bob. We natter about random rubbish on the way to where I have my lesson and on the way back, he has me in stitches! I get on really well with him which really helps as I'm comfortable with him as a person too. It just felt really awkward with her.

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased you changed and you're getting a love for driving.

[Mira]

As with any kind of learning the teacher is so important. And when in a car learning how to drive you need to be at ease.

When i was learning i stood at a crossroad for ages and my instructor started snoring. He thought that was funny. I felt horrible.

So its great you changed.

[Jaquaia]

I stalled at junctions and she would start getting annoyed and telling me I had to be quicker. I came back from lessons with my first instructor in a bit of a mess and was often sneaking glances at the clock to see how much was left of my hour lesson. I do 2 hour lessons with Bob and lose track of time!

[Mira]

Thats the best. I think you found your instructor. I think thats the best way to learn. And it brings fun into it as well.

[Jaquaia]

J's best friend recommended him, he passed with him a few years ago.

[Mira]

Then he gave a great recomendation. I am happy for you. Driving is an awesome skill and good to learn.

[Jaquaia]

I started as a necessity. J lives in a small village in the country with poor public transport links and being unable to drive would mean I would be pretty much stranded

[Suzi]

I'm so pleased for you!

[OldMike]

I stalled at junctions and she would start getting annoyed and telling me I had to be quicker. I came back from lessons with my first instructor in a bit of a mess and was often sneaking glances at the clock to see how much was left of my hour lesson. I do 2 hour lessons with Bob and lose track of time!

I know when you got back from your first lessons it seemed like it had been a bit of an ordeal, now with this new instructor you seem to relish your lessons which is brilliant (eeps sounding like Arthur from Cabin Pressure there (giggle) in joke only Cabin Pressure listeners will get ;) )

[Jaquaia]

My mum commented on the difference in me after my first lesson with Bob, it's definitely made a difference. I have the odd moment where my anxiety affects everything but on the whole it's more manageable. I am wondering if it might be worth starting on the propranolol again...

Finally got my OT appointment through! June... only taken 11 months from referral to actually seeing someone...

Still not feeling right today, my anxiety is a little high and I don't know why

[Suzi]

Why did you stop the propranolol?

[Jaquaia]

Because the pregabalin was managing things and the non-medical prescriber said that if I felt the pregabalin was managing things, he was happy for me to use the propranolol as and when I needed it

[Suzi]

Fair enough. If you need it, take it love.

[Paula]

If anxiety is up today, have you taken a propranolol?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't. And having to be sociable as my sister is down. It's manageable today, just feel a bit odd.

[Suzi]

Hope you've been able to escape a bit..

[Jaquaia]

I escaped after tea

[Jaquaia]

I may have figured out why I'm not feeling right... I've missed a pregabalin dose but I can't figure out how...

[Suzi]

Ahh, that'll do it. It's great stuff until you're late for a dose....

[Paula]

Oh, yeh, no wonder you’re rough. It’ll take a day or so to recover so please just take it easy

[Jaquaia]

I really can't figure out why I missed it. I specifically went into the kitchen to take it.

[Suzi]

Got side tracked?

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

A bit restless. Already sorted the washing out and put a wash on

[Paula]

Anxiety, nervousness, restlessness are all symptoms of Pregabalin withdrawal. Take it easy today (bear)

[Suzi]

Completely agree! Take it easy and be kind to you today.

[Jaquaia]

I'm only doing the washing today. Plus it works to make me take a break from studying. If I don't do it, it won't get done.

[Suzi]

Are you resting inbetween?

[Jaquaia]

I am. I went up to do some work between washes and ended up dozing off. Last wash is in now, have a few clothes to bring in off the line, some in the dryer and I've put away what my dad has ironed. Going to do the bedding tomorrow and give the bathroom a quick going over then I'm doing very little on Tuesday and just studying the rest of the week!

[Suzi]

Well done. I'm really glad that you have been resting. You've obviously been needing the sleep...

[Jaquaia]

I generally get about 6 and a half to 7 hours a night, but not often right through as Talia has started jumping up on to my bed and I wake up because I can't move.

Have decided to rest tonight. Changed my parents bed as I couldn't focus on studying so think letting myself watch tv might be better

[Suzi]

Sounds like a plan...

[Paula]

How many days a week do you study?

[Jaquaia]

I try and do a little bit everyday but don't always manage it.

[Suzi]

Do you think that you might need to change it a bit so you get at least a day off completely?

[Flo]

Morning Jaq.....how's things? So you are on full time study now? Have you written out a timetable for study that suits you? You need 'you and J time' so you maybe can work around that. Have a good day.

[Jaquaia]

Not yet Flo but I will be in October.

I only really do a couple of hours a day Suzi, and an awful lot of procrastinating

[Paula]

Do you think that you might need to change it a bit so you get at least a day off completely?

I completely agree - if you were working/physically at a university you wouldn’t be working 7 days a week ....

[Jaquaia]

I spread it out more so I have a few hours to myself during the day and I do often have days where I end up doing nothing and nothing is going in. I'm just very conscious that I'm still behind and very conscious that doing the bare minimum the first time around meant I only just scraped a 2:2. I can do better then that

[Suzi]

You just need to make sure you're not pushing yourself too hard so hit burn out....

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to pace. I'm just having to do a lot of the housework too at the moment. My mum physically can't even do the washing because of the pain she's in and my dad is in a lot of discomfort with his stomach so it falls to me.

[Suzi]

No news regarding appointments/help for either of them then?

[Jaquaia]

My dad is supposed to go back next month, he's just waiting on an appointment. My mum is back the end of next month.

I mean in the last 3 days I've hoovered right through, I'm on the 8th load of washing, changed both beds, showered the dog, cleaned the bathroom and have just got to wash the dogs bedding!

[Suzi]

Jaq, that's an awful lot...

[Jaquaia]

It needs doing. I left the washing until I was on the verge of either wearing thongs or going commando as it was such a battle to get my mum to actually let me do it last time!!! It was a battle this time too, as apparently me banging all my clothes in the washer together because I couldn't be arsed to do more than 2 washes whilst at uni 15 years ago is enough to still ban me from doing the washing!!! I'm ok. Just tired and pushing through. Once I settle down to study it's easier.

[Suzi]

Just pace hunni x

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying. I've just made my bed and am now sitting down for a bit

[Suzi]

Good!

[Jaquaia]

I say sat down... I've just meal planned for the week and done the shopping...

[Mira]

Then are you going to take it easy for a moment now? Maybe have something to drink?

[Jaquaia]

Suzi's influence is everywhere!!!! (giggle)

I've just finished a drink but have already got another one so being good! Listening to Desert Island Discs with Matt Smith and researching postgraduate degrees. Already decided on my Masters degree but really like the look of this if it's still running in a few years... https://www.lancaster.ac.uk/study/postgraduate/postgraduate-courses/mental-health-phd/#course-related-courses-mobile

I know I'm being a nerd but I can live with that!!!!

[Jaquaia]

Done a bit of adulting and got all the stuff ready to go so the debt agency can take back my account from their solicitors, have included a copy of my discharge letter and included a note that the meds have only made things stable and not fixed things! Studying after tea!!!

[Paula]

Well done hunni :)

[Jaquaia]

Even drank nearly a litre and a half but sat wondering what else I can do...

[Mira]

Thats real good, thats what they recommend here in the Netherlands. What would you like to do?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know, just feel like I have a fair bit of energy going spare

[Mira]

Well now would be a great time for doing something for yourself.

[Paula]

Even drank nearly a litre and a half but sat wondering what else I can do...

Drink some more? :P

[Jaquaia]

I am. Restless though. Just put the covers back on Talia's bed and her towel and blanket are still in the dryer so need to go sort them soon.

[Suzi]

Did you find something to do or to spend time on you?

[Jaquaia]

Studying inferential statistics!!! And taking next weeks chapter with me tomorrow to read in the car while J has his counselling session.

[Suzi]

Hope the session goes well for J tomorrow..

[Jaquaia]

Me too. He's worried about how he'll be afterwards. I've ended up reassuring him a lot this week that if he's quiet afterwards then it doesn't matter, if he needs a nap, it doesn't matter, we will do whatever he needs to do and there is absolutely no pressure. It's taking him a lot to get used to being treated decently

[Paula]

Fingers crossed it’s the start of healing for him

[Suzi]

Hope it goes well today. x

[Jaquaia]

They're starting with CBT apparently as they think it will help more to stabilise his moods. I personally think he needs a medication review too but he's reluctant as it causes issues at work.

[Paula]

What issues? Do work need to know?

[Suzi]

I was going to ask the same as Paula - why does it cause issues at work?

[Jaquaia]

Yes. Because of his position, any medication has to be run past a company pharmacist. Same with any dose change as it could affect his work. When he first started them, he ended up doing office duties for 8 months, though admittedly, the length of time was due to a failing on his then-managers part. When he went back into the box, he had to be supervised for a few weeks. He is honest with work, they're giving him Tuesdays off when he has therapy as their policy is staff don't work after a session, just medication makes it slightly more complicated.

[Suzi]

That's brilliant that they are being so supportive and that he isn't expected to go back to work after a session - about time employers realised how much counselling takes out of you.

[Paula]

It’s great they’re giving him support

[Paula]

How did J get on? Is he being kind to himself?

[Jaquaia]

I'm making him be kind to himself. We're just snuggling watching Shakespeare and Hathaway, and I'm not smug in the slightest that his counsellor told him pretty much everything I have (giggle)

[Suzi]

Lol, I had that with one of Marc's CPNs.. Love Shakespeare and Hathaway! I can't wait for more!

[Jaquaia]

Apparently I misunderstood. It's not company policy that they don't work after a session, he just had an absolutely awesome manager. He emailed his new manager yesterday about needing his shift covered and got "why do you need it covered when you don't start while 7pm?" Hoping it's just because he's naive and has no experience of mental illness as he'll come unstuck if J gets the union involved as they'll just threaten to have him signed off on sick until after his sessions are finished...

[Jaquaia]

So I may be struggling a bit today...

[Paula]

With something in particular or just general MH crap? (panda)

[Jaquaia]

My head doesn't seem to want to function today. I'm irritable, anxious to the extent I've taken a propranolol, my jaw is aching as I was clenching it so hard while sat downstairs for tea, I couldn't cope with my parents talking to me, I'm overthinking everything, I feel overly needy and I don't like it

[Mira]

Those are days we all have at times. And better days are sure to follow. You have been busy lately. Please take care of the most important person. You.....

(panda)

[Suzi]

Hope that you've been resting lovely....

[Jaquaia]

I studied until about 9 and then watched an episode of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Tomorrow is more studying.

[Suzi]

Building in some pacing too I hope ;)

[Jaquaia]

Definitely going to try!

[Paula]

The master says it best......

https://i.ibb.co/7kbB6zz/E31597-AD-1-ADC-4-E5-C-80-AC-B4-CF53843-F26.jpg (https://ibb.co/mNSdMBB)

[Jaquaia]

That may be me told!!!! (giggle)

Still feeling really flat, tearful and fed up. I know I'm better than I was but when my mood drops like this I start worrying that I'm going to end up like I was before...

Anyway, saw this on fb; https://www.thepoke.co.uk/2019/03/27/comparison-people-see-without-astigmatism-real-eye-opener/

I though how I saw things was completely normal!!!

[Paula]

Me too until a couple of years ago my optician said something and I gaped at her!

You are not going to end up like before, you know why? Cos the nagging we do to make sure you take care of you is now backed up by J nagging. We’ve got you, hunni

[Jaquaia]

I know and I don't think I would have gotten this far without your support and encouragement. And I do know that recovery isn't a straight line. I just get fed up of being in my head some days. The pregabalin is great but there always seems to be low-level anxiety there in the background and I've noticed that for the past 4/5 months, my mood has dropped when it's been TOTM. I've never picked up on it before because I've never been anwhere near approaching stable...

[Suzi]

I was going to ask if it could be totm time as your mood seems to drop hugely about that time...
Mention it to your Dr lovely. Stupid question and one you don't have to answer but you and J are being careful aren't you?

[Jaquaia]

It's not necessary. Even if the doctor hadn't told me that I'd need a lot of help to become pregnant, he's had a vasectomy.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Fair enough, I thought I'd check... (panda)(bear)

How are you doing today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding. I'm tense, didn't sleep well, restless, and fully embracing schadenfreude today!!!!

[Suzi]

Sorry it's not a better day love.

[Jaquaia]

Kind of used to it now. It will pass in a few days. In the meantime I have inferential statistics to distract me

[Jaquaia]

Stomach isn't great, dad sounds like he's been drinking all afternoon, I can feel my anxiety rising and I really hate being here at times!!!

[Mira]

(panda)

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed to pace and stay away from the drinking....

[Jaquaia]

I come upstairs, did some studying and watched an episode of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Mood really hasn't been great tonight

[Suzi]

(panda) I'm glad you got away and had some escapism, but I wish your mood was brighter.

[Mira]

(panda) But you did some studying and watched an episode of your show. Thats 2 good things. So you did great. Eventhough your mood was not good. You did things for you. Well done.

[Jaquaia]

Been to pick up my prescription and feel exhausted now.

[Mira]

I think its time to have a few you moments. Taking care of yourself. Doing something you enjoy. If that is resting or something else that does not matter. But lets put Jaq first.

[Jaquaia]

I'm actually studying and listening to Radio 4. My brother is here for tea so have to be sociable this evening, and J is popping after work to see me so hugs at least.

[Mira]

Those hugs will make a world of difference. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

[Suzi]

Hope you've managed some rest and enjoy those hugs...

[Jaquaia]

Erm... had lunch but pretty much studied since...

[Suzi]

Drinking?

[Jaquaia]

Erm... I'll go get one very soon

[Suzi]

Now? ;)

[Jaquaia]

Have gone and got a drink. Already struggling to cope being around the parents and have to be sociable as my brother is here tonight...

[Suzi]

Could you not make some excuse and leave them to it?

[Jaquaia]

Not really as then I get my mum bugging me. So I've brought Pride and Prejudice downstairs to read as I can switch off then. And J will be here just before 8 so I'll have him to hold my hand

[Paula]

Drinking?

[Jaquaia]

I have got another drink. Taken a propranolol too, took the precaution of ordering more as I'm needing them more recently

[Paula]

You’ve had a lot on soits not a surprise. You’re doing brilliantly :)

[Jaquaia]

I really don't feel like I am. I've spent the evening feeling really anxious and wanting to be anywhere but here. I felt like a weight had been lifted when J arrived but then spent a lot of the time he was here either pretending to be ok, fighting tears or in tears. I'm not dealing well with him doing potential family stuff. It is really hitting me this year that I will only ever get to mark Mother's Day as a daughter and never as a mum and as ridiculous as it sounds, it feels like grieving. I'm tired of fighting today. It's absolutely exhausting and I don't want to have to keep doing it.

[Paula]

It doesn’t sound ridiculous at all, you’ve been give a life changing diagnosis and my heart would be broken too. However....... I was going to say that it’s not the same as you will be (are, actually, but just waiting to meet them and for them to fall in love with you) a stepmum. But actually, I’m not saying that as I know that Katie views Si as her dad in everything but name - he raised her, he held her hair when she was sick, he stayed up all night covering her in calamine lotion when she had horrendous chicken pox, he was there when she failed her driving test, he lent her £500 deposit to get her first car. Even her father knows that, remember the comments he made at her party? You may not give birth, but you will be a parent to those kids. I know that because you will offer them the love, empathy and support that is lacking elsewhere. You already consider their feelings in everything you do. You will take them into your heart just as surely as if you’d been in that delivery room. Being a mum isn’t about labour, it’s about everything that happens after. And you are made for that

[Jaquaia]

That made me cry, though that's not really difficult tonight...

[Paula]

(panda) I didn’t mean to make you cry

[Jaquaia]

I'm absolutely terrified that they will hate me for breaking up their family, I'm terrified that he'll decide that having his children all the time is worth ending things with me. I'm scared that I will be absolutely rubbish at it... and I do know I'm overthinking it but it's always at the back of my mind. And I feel like an absolute failure as a woman, I can't even manage what nature intended...

[Paula]

Nature intended for mother’s to love their children. And that’s it. Nothing else is important compared to that

As for whether they’ll blame you? I very much doubt that. kids aren’t stupid and they’ll know that things were wrong for a long time - and not because of you. They’ll also see how happy you make their dad, and they’ll love you for that.

[Mira]

I agree with Paula.

I dont know my father at all. Never met him. I did have a stepdad early on. From when i was about one. And he was a horrible man. And for that i will remember him.

What i am trying to say is that all I ever wanted was my mum to be happy. If thats her on her own or with a nice man does not matter.

The one thing I wish I could have growing up was a loving caring family around me. No matter if it were step fathers, mothers or any combo.

I am sure thats true for a lot of children. And you Jaquaia tick off those boxes. I am 100% sure you have the loving caring supporting side in you. You show that all the time. (panda)

[Suzi]

I'm in tears. This is so full of grief - it really is. You are allowed to grieve because you ARE grieving the loss of the babies you thought you might have. It's also so full of love - for each other and the love that Paula has explained with Si and Katie and that you ARE a mother too. It's also full of love and respect for J's two little people who so desperately NEED you in their lives - no one else, but you and J. You will teach them love, tolerance, love for each other, love and respect for other people and to show them exactly how they should have been loved all their little lives. Jaq, honestly I can't think of anyone more perfect to take on children who have been f*cked around with by someone as bad as cruella. Jaq, you are putting J back together bit by bit, touch by touch, word by word and kiss by kiss. You will do the same for the little people. You may not have given birth to them, but you are the mother they need.....

Oh and I totally understand what you mean about not being able to do what nature meant you for - I've felt like that since I was 16 and told I'd never have children, then when I had my first miscarriage I was told I'd be able to get pregnant, but not hold on to it. Then my second miscarriage... Then miraculously I had Ben and he stuck in place but I couldn't deliver him - so all 3 of mine were c sections, all under general anaesthetic as I couldn't have an epidural due to my spine being wrong and then I couldn't breastfeed... And then I had pnd with each of them. I know our circumstances are different, but I wanted you to know that I do understand at least a little of what you are feeling. My niece and her husband haven't been able to conceive, neither have my cousin and his wife. My best friends daughter has had IVF to help them... You aren't alone - and yes I also know that doesn't make it any easier...

[Jaquaia]

I didn't mean to make anyone else cry. Your reply has set me off again!

I always assumed that it would happen one day. Making the decision that I would rather be happy and loved, relatively pain-free and mentally stable, with J, than being miserable, in pain and suicidal, while chasing a dream that may never happen... I could live with that. I made the choice to put my health and happiness first. I was sad about it, I've always wanted children, but it was my choice, and even knowing that PCOS would make things difficult, it was still my choice. But since hearing the doctor say I would never get pregnant without a lot of help, knowing that I would never get that help because I'm overweight, it suddenly becomes not my choice anymore itms? Something inside me broke when I heard the doctor say that and something I already found difficult has been made so much harder.

[Suzi]

Sorry, didn't mean to make you cry.
That's the position my niece is in - she was told that they "could try" ivf, but "at your current weight we'd be throwing money away. If you want to try then you need to lose half of your body weight"...

[Jaquaia]

I'm just a little more teary than normal at the moment.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear) Hope the rest of the day has been ok lovely...

[Jaquaia]

It's been very wobbly. My head has been most stable when I' working so still studying now. J has raised the idea of me maybe going back to counselling as he could tell how much I'm still struggling. I don't know if I want to do that really, what can they do to help? Talking isn't going to make this ok...


children who have been f*cked around with by someone as bad as cruella.

Oh... in the last week or so, A has told J that "mummy is always cross and always shouting" and that "she tells T all the time that she's sick of him". On Thursday, Cruella texted J to tell him that A was "(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing vile" as she was misbehaving while at the doctors and hhen rang him. J managed to calm A down but Thomas has told him that "mummy put all A's toys in black bags and told her she was binning them and that if she kept behaving like that then she can't stay here any more" She's 4 years old...

[Suzi]

OMG! Surely at some point this has to be reported for the sakes of the children?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not even sure what can be done just yet. He is logging everything to build up a picture but he needs proof. We all know that courts tend to favour the mother. She's already threatened that she'll claim he was abusing her, which tells me she knew exactly what she was doing to him... the only positive is the the children spend a lot more time with J or with grandparents then they do with her

[Paula]

Questions could be asked, that’s what could be done now, which might lead to her realising she can’t do this and maybe might protect those kids from further harm.

[Suzi]

I agree.. Has he told his solicitor? Showed them the log?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure. They know he's logging everything though

[Suzi]

Good.

[Flo]

Those poor kids!.....she's a cruel bitch isn't she? Her days are numbered Jaq., and I can see J getting custody of both of the children. When I started the Happy Mothers day thread it wasn't meant to offend anyone, least of all you Jaq. or anyone else that may find having children of their own difficult. But there's more to being a mum than physically having them....if I was in your shoes I'd start to groom myself for being a full time mum, because I can envisage you being in that role in the not too distant future. Your time will come when your love as a mum will be badly needed for those innocent little kids of J's. I honestly believe that the road your life is taking will lead you to that privilege. Sadly there are things in life we have no control over, it doesn't mean we've failed in any way. You've made a new life for J, and you'll make a new and wonderful life for his children. This is something that IS possible. Focus on that.(nod)

[Jaquaia]

You didn't offend me Flo. The world doesn't stop just because I can't have children. I've actually been thinking more about my friend, she lost her only son just over a year ago so I know she would have found today pretty much unbearable.

[Flo]

I can't begin to imagine how your friend feels. The thought of losing a child doesn't bear thinking about! Bless her.

[Suzi]

(bear)(bear)

[Jaquaia]

I've actually been kind to myself this evening, I've watched a couple of episodes of Shakespeare and Hathaway. Even though I've done nothing I feel absolutely exhausted and drained.

[Suzi]

I'm glad you've been kind to you. It's so important.

Maybe you're realising you need much more sleep and rest than you are having?

[Jaquaia]

I think this is more I've found today pretty difficult. I've had to be social with my brother and his girlfriend, and I've tried to keep busy to keep my mind occupied. I feel like a fraud struggling with it when I know what my friend is going through so I've just tried to get on with it. I didn't want to drag anyone else down either

[Suzi]

Definitely not a fraud. How many times do I have to remind you that you are important, the way you are feeling is important and that actually what is affecting you is important and just as valid as whatever anyone else is going through...... Come 'ere and be hugged (bear)(bear)(bear)

[magie06]

Hi, how are you doing?

[Suzi]

I was wondering the same thing, I always worry when you're quiet....

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok, just not got much to say really

[OldMike]

Definitely not a fraud. How many times do I have to remind you that you are important, the way you are feeling is important and that actually what is affecting you is important and just as valid as whatever anyone else is going through...... Come 'ere and be hugged (bear)(bear)(bear)

I gotta agree whole heartedly with Suzi, and I'll send you a virtual (((hug))) too (bear)

[Suzi]

I'm ok, just not got much to say really
Really? Not sure I totally buy that...

[Mira]

Me neither. So i am sending the berenknuffels over (bear)(bear)

[Paula]

What is up?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not sure

[Mira]

Is it a feeling you have? Did something happen? I keep thinking that i hope you are ok and doing well.

[Paula]

I'm not sure

Perhaps talk it out and we could help you figure it out?

[Jaquaia]

All I know for definite is that I don't feel 100%. I think I'm just having one of those days

[Mira]

(panda) Do you have a daily positive for today?

[Suzi]

Something to do with J? Your parents? Friends?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. My parents haven't been too bad this week, I never like it when J has to leave but it's nice to wake up with him. Don't really have friends to have issues with. Anyway, watching Santa Clarita Diet

[Mira]

You can call me a friend. But I dont want to have issues with you.

Seems like its one of those days. Thats ok. Be nice to yourself and tomorrow is a new day (bear)

[Flo]

Morning Jaq..how are you feeling today love?

[Paula]

You have friends, lots of them, just cos not all of them you meet face to face does not make them any less important. Just because I haven’t met you face to face does not make you any less important to me

[Mira]

I do agree with Paula. Just from how I have gotten to know you and lots of people here tells me there are good people in the world.

Friendly and kind. Always trying to help. In my book those people are friends. So i would be honoured to be yours.

[Suzi]

Have to agree with the others - I consider you a friend too

How's you today gorgeous lady?

[Jaquaia]

Today is much better. I love you guys! I think yesterday I was feeling sorry for myself. I hope I didn't offend anyone. It would just be nice to spend some time with people face to face and I don't have that. It gets very lonely sometimes. I can't start my level 1 in counselling in May either as the course is full so everything has to be put back.

Had an awesome driving lesson, Bob said he would give me 9/10 for today it was that good!!! Then come home and adulted. Had a letter saying my account was going back to collection as they hadn't received the details they asked for. Turns out they sent the letter the same day they received everything and I've just spoken to a lovely lady who has helped me set up a direct debit for a much smaller amount. This afternoon I am going to study, just the internet based work to do and read the two conclusions in my textbooks and I'm completely up to date and just have assignments left to do!

[Mira]

I know how that feels. I have the same. And I guess a lot more of us do. Its great that we can go oline and talk with people. I mean we are in different countries and are talking. Thats awesome. Not alone that but with like minded people that know how we struggle at times.

But I also know how nice it would be to just sit with somebody. Have a cup of tea and talk. We are not made to be alone this much. I sometimes skype but even thats not the same.

How awesome is that. I knew you would get the hang of it. Driving around everywhere :)

Its good that you had help from that person. I can imagine that will take a lot of the stress away. Have fun with the assignments. Your doing great.

[magie06]

You sound so much brighter. Did you sleep well? I'm going to jump in here and ask, how's the drinking going?

[Jaquaia]

I feel brighter but didn't sleep well really. Talia woke me up at 6 as I couldn't turn over in bed because she'd sneaked up during the night. Having a really good driving lesson was a good start to the day.

Drinking is slow but I am drinking.

[magie06]

Well done. I'm peeing for Ireland here because I've had so much to drink!

[Mira]

Thats good, and you as well Magie, i dont think I could make it to Ireland but I am drinking a lot as well.

[Suzi]

I'm glad today is brighter and that the driving went well!

I agree about being lonely. It's so hard to not have people to hang out with in person... I think we all have that.

[Jaquaia]

Dad sounds (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed so god only knows how much he's put away this afternoon. Only been sat downstairs about half an hour and already cleanching my jaw massively.

[OldMike]

Jaq glad your driving lesson went well, as for your dad just keep out of is way there's nothing worse than having too much to drink, must admit I don't like being around drunk people. (panda)

[Suzi]

(panda) How are you today love?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Annoyed that I didn't get my work finished last week. Though that's not really my fault when my head put a stop to that. Figured out with my mum last night that it was actually a migraine, the light sensitivity, pain in my eyes and nausea should have given it away but I get them so rarely that I don't always realise until afterwards. Annoyed that I've ran out of data on my phone!!! Gone through 30gb in about 2 weeks through tethering as the internet is rubbish on a night and a weekend. Damn you Netflix/BBC iPlayer/Radio 4!!! *shakes fist*

Plan today is finish off last weeks work and tonight will be either Shakespeare and Hathaway or No Angels, probably Shakespeare and Hathaway...

[Suzi]

I have to say I'm really grateful for our super fast broadband... With 3 teens in the house who are generally all streaming/playing games and Marc and I + phones etc it's almost a necessity - without it we'd have to talk to each other!

[Jaquaia]

Well the internet has started getting rubbish so I've increased my plan... unlimited data for £20 a month. Building my credit rating at the same time so win win!!!

[Suzi]

Well done! That's awesome adulting!

[Jaquaia]

I've managed to increase my credit rating by 100 points in the last 6 months so adulting is working for me. And my loan application has been cancelled so I don't have to worry about that anymore and just reapply when next years open!

[Suzi]

That's all so brilliant!

[Jaquaia]

It feels like I finally have some control over my life

[Suzi]

That's f*ing amazing!

[Jaquaia]

Feeling a bit guilty tonight. Ash messaged me today, asking how things were going and it wasn't long before he started saying about how if I was single he would drive down to meet me and about how gutted he was that he lost me and then said that he hoped we could rekindle things one day. I didn't know how to say no without hurting him further so told him that you never know what the future holds but he shouldn't wait for me. In hindsight that was probably the wrong thing to say as I got this response "I can't do this anymore. Life is hard enough with out the women you love barely knowing you exsist. I can't be here anymore. Love you. Goodbye xx"

J has already said that his behaviour massively contributed to how things ended but it doesn't make me feel any less guilty

[Mira]

J is right. The last msg you got ended with I can't be here anymore. Love you. Goodbye.

If thats not emotional blackmailing then what is? You are so happy with J. And if Ash would respect you and your relationship he would not say any of those things. To me it comes across as selfish of him.

I do know how it could make you feel guilty. But there is nothing. Truly nothing to be guilty about. This is just more proof that at this time you are together with the best man there is. Thats J.