Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Jaquaia]

My local library has moved and is now much smaller and busier as the building is used for all sorts. It would have been perfect where it was as it was attached to my school and had huge tables at the back. I used to love working in there but it's been knocked down now. I'm thinking of getting SCONUL access to Hull Uni so I can use their library

[Suzi]

Sounds like a good plan....

[magie06]

I'm hoping that the studying is going okay. Keeping you in my prayers.

[Paula]

You’re quiet, lovely

[Jaquaia]

I was studying most of yesterday, was even writing notes while watching the football! And spent a couple of hours with J, he's really not good at the moment but he's not talking to me as much as he should be as he "doesn't want to worry me as I have enough on my mind to deal with" and he doesn't want to talk here "as he doesn't want to intrude on my space", which is a load of rubbish as I show him what I write here anyway. Truth is, he doesn't think his problems are valid as he's been labelled "poor little posh boy" so many times. Even offered him access to the mens section. All I can do is keep encouraging him to talk but worried a lot about him at the moment and trying to catch up with work and constant interruptions from my mother. Oh and Talia us currently sat with her back to me sulking as I won't let her on my bed as I have uni work spread everywhere!

So yeah! That's where I'm at...

[magie06]

You have such a lot going on. Thinking of you as you find your way through all of it.

[Jaquaia]

Back from my driving lesson and...

I DID IT WITHOUT TAKING MY PROPRANOLOL!!!! And minimal anxiety too!!! (party)

[OldMike]

Woo hoo brilliant (party)

[Paula]

You. Are. Truly. AWESOME!

[Jaquaia]

I don't see that but I'm happy I coped today. I even learnt angled starts today and dealt with having to break for a speeding van on a blind corner with very little panic.

[Suzi]

That's freaking AWESOME!!

[magie06]

I hope you got your assignment in on time. Thinking of you.

[Suzi]

How are you love?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Went out for lunch with J, there's a fab little Sicilian street food place in the indoor market that does homemade pizzas and paninis and pasta. They make everything themselves, the ciabattas and the pizza dough, everything. It tastes absolutely amazing!!!! So we went for pizza and I ended up trying a green mandarin drink, sooooooo nice!!! Lunch with the love of my life and being served by a yummy Sicilian with a gorgeous Italian accent? Talk about spoilt ;)

Going to do some work tonight and consider if I need to email my tutor for an extension...

[Suzi]

That place sounds lovely! I love gems of places like that!

Are you going to email for an extension?

[Jaquaia]

I think so. I can't see me getting through everything with enough time to do my assignment. Not going to bother working tonight though. Going to read and rest. J bought me the new Jojo Moyes, which I didn't realise was a sequel to Me Before You and After You

[Suzi]

Rest lovely, rest..

[Jaquaia]

Just over a hundred pages in. I'm really enjoying it! I think tomorrow will be working most of the day though.

[Paula]

Lots of pacing please!

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to try

[Suzi]

Hope you're doing OK lovely.. Lots of pacing.

[Jaquaia]

Breakfast, medicated, done my injection, had a small drink and showered. Planning on doing an hours work and then taking a break for lunch. I say lunch, the Asda shop is due and I'll get roped into helping sort that out, plus my mum has asked me to clean the garden up too...

[Paula]

Make sure there’s some actual food and drink in amongst chores ..... ;)

[Suzi]

I agree! Pace and eat and drink properly too please?

[Jaquaia]

Food and drink, ok I'm slow with the drinking but still drinking!

Starting another weeks work and have emailed my tutor for an extension.

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! Well done love!

[Jaquaia]

I can't do 2 weeks worth of work and write a decent TMA in 4 and a half days. I hate my head at times, everyone else is managing

[Paula]

It’s not a competition, love. And you are doing this while being a career for your mum, going through a really tough time with J and trying to manage several health conditions. You’re doing brilliantly

[Jaquaia]

Today has been a huge wobble too so I'm amazed I got anything done. When she picked the children up this morning she asked him if he wanted to go with them and he said no because he didn't want to upset me even though he wanted to go for the children. I feel guilty and relieved at the same time. Of course, me being me told him if still doing family stuff would help his mood then I would deal with it but I don't want to have to deal with it. I don't want to have to be an adult about this. School things and birthdays and things like that is one thing but regular days out at this stage? When I'm still a secret and the children are still adjusting? I don't think that is fair on anyone.

[Strugglingmum]

(panda)

[Suzi]

No it's not fair on you, it's not fair on the children either - how are they meant to adjust when things like this keep popping up? I really think they need to get something sorted. It's good that they can exchange the children without a huge row, but really? Special family time? Now? Definitely not..

[Jaquaia]

Oh them exchanging the children without her kicking off at him is generally the exception, not the rule. I know what it is with him, he hates having to hand them back and misses them when they aren't at home. But her? I don't trust her as far as I can throw her, I don't trust her when she's being nice to him and I can't shake the feeling that she's going to broach the subject of them trying again... He thinks she might have felt sorry for him as he looked down but I'm not convinced she has that much humanity in her and I think she's scheming...

[Paula]

^^^wss and, you know what? It’s ok for you not to be ok with it, and it’s ok if J chooses not to do this for your sake - how you feel about it all should be just as important

[Jaquaia]

That's what he said too

[Paula]

He’s a sensible lad ;)

[Suzi]

Morning love... I agree this is not down to you at all..

[Jaquaia]

We've just talked about it a little on the phone and I admitted that I wasn't ok with them spending time together as a family and that it wasn't fair on anyone. He agreed with me. I still feel guilty but at least I was honest

[Strugglingmum]

I think that is incredibly important Jaq. I didn't want to say too much yesterday but your needs and thoughts are as equally important. They are no longer a family and I feel behaving like one is only confusing the children more.
You deserve the best. Xx

[magie06]

It's very important to be honest. And I've discovered that there are no mind readers. You have to say what's on your mind, for people to know what's going on.

[Mira]

I can understand that. I would feel guilty too. But that does not mean you where wrong about it. I think you are spot on. So eventhough it made you feel that way I think you did super. Believe me. My disorder makes it so I go out of my way to keep everybody else happy. And I disregard my own feelings. And my own believes and value's at time. But thats not healthy and it does not help me at all. You did the right thing. And that will be healthy for the both of you.

[Suzi]

See, we all agree with you! I hope you're feeling less guilty.....
Did you get the extension?

[Jaquaia]

I did. So that's a huge relief!!! Still working now actually but it's been a struggle today, though now J knows I have the extensiom, he's making me have a rest on Sunday afternoon... might get him to do the psychology experiment first...

[Suzi]

Psychology experiment? I'll always help if you want or need.. ;)

[Jaquaia]

It's a short video but we have to do the whole briefing, informed consent forms and debrief. We all have to do 2 each, though annoyingly, they aren't using our results, they have a set of results for us to use, they just want us to do it for practice!!! Then we have to write the whole thing up as a proper research report for our last assignment. Probably why we've had to relearn standard deviation and correlation coefficient...

Thinking about it, the lack of statistical analysis may be why I didn't do so well on my dissertation...

[Paula]

Morning, hunni, how are you doing?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Been awake an hour but haven't found the energy to get up yet

[Suzi]

Morning lovely. So are you working today?

[Jaquaia]

I am. Done all the basics and showered. My body isn't cooperating though! Will just slowly plod through

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

How did the day go love?

[Jaquaia]

I've only just put my laptop away, got about 6/7 hours worth of work done today

[Angie]

Thats a huge amount of work hope your resting now hunni x

[Jaquaia]

The plan is to go and settle down in bed with my book now.

[Paula]

And you’re resting tomorrow?

[Jaquaia]

I'm going to do some work in the morning and rest with J tomorrow afternoon

[Suzi]

Make sure you get that rest in lovely. You can't work all the time...

[Jaquaia]

Well technically I could ;) but I am aware that it would do me more harm than good. J is going to do the experiment for me, then I'm going to put my work away to spend time with him

[Suzi]

Good!!

[Jaquaia]

See!!! I can be a good girl!!!

[Suzi]

So I've heard... (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

:o

I joined the fb group for my module. On the one hand, I wish I hadn't as everyone is talking about what a nightmare this assignment is! On the other hand, there are others who have extensions or have fallen behind due to ill health so I don't feel as bad now.

[Suzi]

You'll be fine... Stop doubting yourself!

[Paula]

On the other hand, there are others who have extensions or have fallen behind due to ill health so I don't feel as bad now.

Well, well what do you know?!

[Jaquaia]

You'll be fine... Stop doubting yourself!

I always doubt myself, no matter what I do


Well, well what do you know?!

:P

[Suzi]

Have you had a lovely afternoon?

[Jaquaia]

Just lots of hugging and talking and I may have pinned him down and bollocked him....

[Suzi]

OO Er Missus! Hope he survived!

[Jaquaia]

He bumped into Cruella today and A mentioned that "daddy had been to the hospital" so he told Cruella that he was back in therapy. Her response was along the lines of why bother? You jist ignore what they teach you. You expect everyone to help you and do nothing to help yourself so you're just wasting their time. Which led him to remember comments about being a drain on NHS resources. So he got a good talking to.

I pointed out that if he was a drain on NHS resources then what was I. I pointed out that he was ill, that he had gone through over a decade of abuse and he is not going to deal with that (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) overnight. I pointed out that depression doesn't have to have a reason and that he is ill at the moment. I pointed out that he is not a poor little posh boy (guess where that phrase came from :@) and that just because he comes from a middle-class background, it doesn't make his problems any less valid than someones from a working-class background. I also pointed out that he needs to start talking more, that there is no point trying to hide it so he doesn't worry me as I pick up on his low moods anyway, just as easily as he picks up on mine. Have suggested he try here again but he said he feels like a fraud...

[Suzi]

Well said!

How are you today lovely!

[Jaquaia]

Tired mainly. I struggled to settle last night, was still awake at 2am.

[Paula]

Any idea why?

[Suzi]

I feel for you, I've just been like that for the last couple of weeks.. (panda)

[Jaquaia]

No idea. I'm generally awake until midnight anyway but usually asleep not long after. I don't think it helped that I went downstairs and ended up talking to my mum after I spoke to J and she started telling me that my former best friend is thinking of adopting another child but Scarlett won't play with her and she doesn't grasp that I don't care. She told me the other week that the other one is getting married but my sister can't afford the hen do. They stabbed me in the back, their actions led to me not having my sister in my life for 2 years, led to me being blamed for her miscarriage (it was my mum who told me that too by the way), I ended up having no escape from an abusive relationship because their actions made it easy for him to isolate me further. All my mum achieves when telling me about their lives is to remind me that I am alone. I have no friends here, the only person I have other then my family is J. My brother and sister barely bother with me. Not to mention, how can my mum not realise that it's incredibly hurtful when she's talking about someone adopting, someone who stabbed me in the back, or telling me about my sister wants another baby? And yes, I've made this all clear more than once.

[Suzi]

Oh sweetheart no wonder you didn't sleep after all that! I have no idea why people insist on rubbing noses in things.... I have the same from my mum too....

[Jaquaia]

I kept telling her that I wasn't interested but she kept saying she wasn't telling me about them, she was telling me about Scarlett...

[Suzi]

But..... Oooo *headdesk* Oh Jaq, I'm sorry...

[Jaquaia]

I should be used to it, she just doesn't think half the time. I know it's not done maliciously but she really doesn't help.

[Suzi]

No, I can't see how it could ever be helpful. I assume you've tried the direct "Mum, stop now. I don't want to hear it"... each time she starts?

[Jaquaia]

I've tried the even more direct "I don't care. Why do I want to know about their lives going swimmingly? They stabbed me in the back. All you're achieving is to make me realise that I have no friends at all here"...

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest, biggest hug in the whole wide world.

[Jaquaia]

And as if my life isn't fun enough at the moment, I've now started and I have no chocolate! :@

[Paula]

Very, very, very huge ((hugs)), gorgeous lady

[Suzi]

(panda) lovely...

[Jaquaia]

I feel like someone is slowly twisting my insides, but spending the day with J and he's taking me out for lunch. He doesn't know it yet but he's buying me a chocolate brownie!!! Or ice cream... not decided yet... so many choices!! Oh and we're going to pick up my new glasses too. 5 times I rang yesterday to check if they were ready and it kept ringing off! My mum tries and gets straight through!!!

[magie06]

You could always have a warm chocolate brownie with some chocolate ice cream! Now that would be worth going out for.
I know where you are coming from because while I was out yesterday, I left my phone at home. Of course I had a missed call when I got home. The hospital were trying to get in contact. I tried about 5 times in the morning and no luck. Gerry tries once in the afternoon, gets through straight away. Sods law.

[Jaquaia]

I think what annoyed me most is she tried straight after my 5th attempt. What changed in those 30 seconds???

[Paula]

‘Sod’ decided to get in on the action .....

[Suzi]

Hope you're having a lovely time with J..

[Jaquaia]

I've had a lovely day. We went for lunch at the Sicilian place in the indoor market again. Then we went for a stroll across town to pick my glasses up. Went back to mine and he was lovely, he brought some books with him so I could still get some work done and we could spend time together. He only left about 20 minutes ago, he stayed for tea.

My mum annoyed me, I thought she was really rude. She came into my room while I was working and started telling me to put it away as I was being ignorant and she never brought me up that way, then started telling J that he was here to see me and started taking his book off him. I told her that she was being really rude as he offered to let me work and we'd talked about doing it like this so we could still spend time together. He was happy as he doesn't get much time to just read and focus on reading. I was able to get a chunk of work done and still be with him yet she came in and started carrying on like that!

[Paula]

Annoyed? I’d be absolutely furious! Somehow, hunni,and I’m not sure how, your family need to learn boundaries .....

[Jaquaia]

It annoyed him to the extent he took his book downstairs with him when we went down for tea and sat reading. He doesn't like people touching his books as some of them aren't cheap and can be very difficult to replace.

I've told her again how rude she was but I don't think it will make a difference.

[Suzi]

I cannot understand why she thinks it's OK to speak to you both like that?
My kids don't have partners over and I knock to go into their rooms when it's just them in there... However, my Mum was the same as yours....

[Jaquaia]

She claims she was just joking with him. Don't think she'll do that again as I pointed out that the book he was reading last night is currently £52 on Amazon and that's second hand. Plus he had a magazine insert from the 50's with him on modelling. That would be nigh on impossible to replace. I just give up half the time as it never makes a difference. I've said a few times about just walking in, she took offence, behaved like a dick and went back to how it was in time. It's usually a quick knock and walk in.

[magie06]

I always knock on Aisling's door before I go in. It's only fair.

[Mira]

I must say that is rude. I believe that its up to you and J how you want to spend time. As its different and personal for everybody in a different way. I believe firmly in being respectful of people and propperty. So this would get me upset.

[Jaquaia]

I've even pointed out that my room is the only space I have that's mine.

[Paula]

It sounds extreme, but have you considered putting a lock on it?

[Jaquaia]

My parents would never allow it and it's still their house.

[Paula]

But it’s also your home ...

[OldMike]

Your room is your only personal space and if your mum insists on just waltzing in when she feels like it a lock may be the only answer.

[Jaquaia]

It hasn't felt like my home for a while now. They say that home is where the heart is and my heart is with J. I just have to cope with being stuck here for another year or so.

[Suzi]

I was thinking of suggesting a lock too... Not sure how you'd bring that up in conversation though...

[Jaquaia]

They won't agree to a lock

[Suzi]

Door under the door handle? ;)

or a subtle

"(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) off it's my room" sign?

[Paula]

It hasn't felt like my home for a while now. They say that home is where the heart is and my heart is with J. I just have to cope with being stuck here for another year or so.

Whether you feel like it or not, it is your home and will be so for some time yet. Therefore, you need to make it as comfortable for yourself as possible. Or, quite frankly, you need to push J for you two to move in together sooner. Leaving things as they are is detrimental to your mental health.

[Angie]

Jay's dad used to do this to Caitlin just walk in start reading her messages, it stopped when I told Jay that he puts a lock on the door or she doesn't go at all, he put a lock on the door his dad massively kicked off about it and was told he stops or he moves out, if she doesn't lock her door he will still just walk in so its perm locked when shes there.
I always knock or shout the kids and never go in their rooms unless they respond

[Suzi]

I can't agree with Paula strongly enough.

[Jaquaia]

Whether you feel like it or not, it is your home and will be so for some time yet. Therefore, you need to make it as comfortable for yourself as possible. Or, quite frankly, you need to push J for you two to move in together sooner. Leaving things as they are is detrimental to your mental health.

No. It's a house I live in. A home is very different to me. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents but I'm often on edge here. My mum still has a habit of treating me like a child at times, I can't always cope with my dads drinking, and I often wish I was anywhere but here. To me, a home is where you can relax and shut out the world for a bit. I can't do that here and haven't been able to for a long time. I won't be moving in with J until the children are ok with that so I just need to make the best of things. Starting to get out of the house more should help with that.

[Suzi]

I totally know what you mean. This is the first place which I have called home and meant it. I promise it will happen for you love... It took me a long time, but I wouldn't appreciate it nearly as much as I do... I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it happen for you today....

[Jaquaia]

I really think he's worth it so I will find a way to make this work. I have my levels 1 and 2 in counselling this year which will get me out of the house and meeting new people one night a week. That will keep me busy and will distract me. Contemplating going full time with uni next year and I'll be doing my level 3. Plus if I sign up to the SCONUL scheme, I can spend a couple of days working in Hull Uni's library. Though wondering at the wisdom of doing my final project year full time and my level 4... Maybe it will distract me from the fact that I'll never be a mum too if I keep busy. I want to do a MSc in Mental Health Science and I've seen a fab PhD course in Mental Health at Lancaster Uni. Distance learning with a few weekend/week long academies. I've seen courses in psychotherapy and gestalt therapy. My future is something I can start planning for. My living situation I just have to do my best with.

[Suzi]

You are awesome love... I'm so proud to call you a friend.

[Jaquaia]

I don't think I do anything particularly special.

I've just googled my glasses prescription. I'm officially severely myopic. I knew it was bad when they pointed out they'd moved me up a voucher band...

[magie06]

I think you are amazing. You have so many plans for the future with your course work and your driving. Go you!!

[Jaquaia]

I did hill starts!!! Ok, I wasn't meant to do a hill start but had to stop on a slight hill to let oncoming traffic pass so he taught me hill starts! Also, for the first time EVER, I didn't stall after having to stop at a roundabout!!! I always stalled with her but today I got it right! I'm so chuffed!!!


Oh!!! And I drove in fog!!!!

[Suzi]

There is so much positivity in that post! I'm so glad you changed instructors!

[Jaquaia]

So am I! He lets me lead. He's got me to change my hanď position on the wheel as I was gripping it too tight and it was affecting my steering. I did things wrong and he told me why they were wrong and then asked me how to correct it. He taught me braking in detail today so that feels clearer, and he's asked me if there's anything I want to change or if I feel ready to start doing more. I've actually volunteered to start doing junctions next week!! And no propranolol again!!!!

And my gear changes were so much smoother!!!!

[magie06]

WELL DONE YOU!!! That's amazing. You must be so proud of yourself. I hope you've told yourself that a million times.

[Suzi]

It's fantastic!

[Jaquaia]

I don't think I'm doing anything amazing, I'm just not letting my anxiety control me

[Suzi]

If only it was that easy..... You're doing brilliantly.

[Paula]

Believe me, that’s pretty amazing and not something I manage very often ....

[Jaquaia]

I still have moments of panic, but the way Bob responds to my mistakes makes it so much easier to manage. The only reason I'm learning is because not being able to drive will pretty much strand me in the village.

[Suzi]

It doesn't matter why to be honest, it's just flipping awesome that you're doing it!

[Jaquaia]

I tackled my mum last night as I asked her if J could stay over on Tuesday and she said that she hopes I wasn't going to be working as it's rude an ignorant and she didn't bring me up like that. As it happens, J had offered to bring some books with him so I could work if I needed to. I told her again that we'd talked about it beforehand it was actually his suggestion but she was adamant that it's rude and ignorant so I pointed out that she was rude and ignorant the way she barged in and immediately started kicking off. She started going on about how her parents always told her off if she was doing something when she had someone round so I pointed out that they were much more traditional and strict and she'd said she never bring us up the way her parents raised her. I pointed out that we have been together almost 8 months now (well, as far as she knows, it's actually a year and a half but shhhh! :x) and we're comfortable enough and perfectly happy to do our own thing while we're spending time together. I also pointed out that it was actually none of her business, that I am 35 years old and my room is the only space I have to call my own and she invaded that space...

[Paula]

And how did she respond?

[Jaquaia]

The usual "I know" followed by "I don't think you'll be here much longer anyway". I pointed out that I haven't met the children yet and if she knows, then why do I have to keep having the conversation about my room being my only space with her...

[Mira]

I can not say anything other then you are right. I love that people now can just talk to eachother on how to spend time together. Instead of having rigid rules to follow.

Even J in a book and you working in the same room is spending time together. If its with the person you love its way better.

Your mum does sound traditional that way. Mine is the opposite. I am even more traditional then my mum. Well then most people haha but i like to think in a good way.

From what i read about J he seems super understanding and caring. So at least thats one thing thats great. Just a shame your mum doest respect your space.

[Jaquaia]

It's been the same pretty much since I moved back in. We've clashed a few times about her just walking in. She at least knocks now but half the time walks in as soon as she's knocked.

Just walked across to the shops to collect my prescription and my anxiety is through the roof. I haven't walked across to the shops in over 2 years.

[Paula]

But you did it ....

Edit: just read my post and realised that sounded exactly like my dad. Sorry ..... ;)

[Suzi]

I'm so impressed that you took her to one side and told her how it is! Are you sure you're really Jaq?

[magie06]

I've said it once and I'll say it again, YOU ARE AMAZING!! Start telling yourself that please!!

[Jaquaia]

I'm so impressed that you took her to one side and told her how it is! Are you sure you're really Jaq?

Yep! Just me. I'm just finally learning how to be an adult!

Currently dithering over going full time next year alongside my level 2 and 3. Starting my level 1 in May, my level 2 starts in September and my level 2 modules start the beginning of October. My level 3 counselling will be next year. If I go full time, I have 3 modules to do and all the work associated with that, 8 textbooks to get through plus extra reading, an exam to do plus assessments for my counselling courses. It would mean attempting to start my level 4, which involves a counselling placement, alongside the final year of my degree too. I'm wondering if I would be biting off more than I can chew...

[Mira]

That does sound like a lot. But i am positive that you are more then capable to do it. No doubt about it.

[OldMike]

I've said it once and I'll say it again, YOU ARE AMAZING!! Start telling yourself that please!!

Exactly right there Magie, Jaq start telling yourself what you've achieved, you've done a shed load of course work and got excellent results, onwards and upwards.

[Suzi]

Yep! Just me. I'm just finally learning how to be an adult!

Currently dithering over going full time next year alongside my level 2 and 3. Starting my level 1 in May, my level 2 starts in September and my level 2 modules start the beginning of October. My level 3 counselling will be next year. If I go full time, I have 3 modules to do and all the work associated with that, 8 textbooks to get through plus extra reading, an exam to do plus assessments for my counselling courses. It would mean attempting to start my level 4, which involves a counselling placement, alongside the final year of my degree too. I'm wondering if I would be biting off more than I can chew...

Are you going to be able to keep up with everything whilst also dealing with the other things such as the situation with J, the kids, cruella? Caring for your Mum too etc?

[Jaquaia]

That's what I'm trying to figure out. When my head is in a good place, I can do the basic workload in 2 days. But if I start struggling, I'm screwed.

[Jaquaia]

Never ever thought I would say this but...

I'm actually feeling ok about my assignment! Part 2 and 3 are done, I have lots of stuff scribbled down for my essay. I should be able to get an essay plan drawn up tonight and then I have 2 and a half/3 days to write it up!!! I'm not feeling any panic right now. That might change as I start writing it up but right now I'm feeling ok!

[Mira]

Thats great. And well deserved. You did the work and in a great way. It gives me a smile this post :)

[Paula]

Good :)

[Suzi]

Well done love!

[Jaquaia]

Starting studying again has made me really good at procrastinating...

[Suzi]

Is that a good thing?

[Jaquaia]

Not particularly but this question is a nightmare!!! I think 3/4 of the course have found it a huge struggle. I keep taking breaks too. My back is aching from being hunched over the laptop all day but I am halfway through so there has been progress!!!!

[Suzi]

Could you get a desk or an over bed table so you aren't hunching over everything?

[Jaquaia]

I'm generally ok as I'm sprawled out writing by hand or the online activities don't take all that long, it's just assignment time! Though on 600 words so yay!!! And I need to edit my introduction as it's far too long...

By the time I get round to my final report, I should have sorted SCONUL access and have a key to/be living with J so I can use the library or J's dining table. I couldn't imagine writing my Masters/Doctoral thesis like this.

[Suzi]

You'll get there love.

[Jaquaia]

I know. I have a very supportive partner and very supportive friends. I just worry about letting you all down, you all have so much faith in me.

J is currently laughing at me because I got excited about double decker chocolate spread *sulks*

[Paula]

You never let anyone down. But you do need to stop worrying about what we think, and focus on what’s right for you .....

[Suzi]

Letting us down? How on earth could you ever let us down? You are lovely, kind, intelligent, smart and a lovely loyal friend - what else can anyone ask for?

[Jaquaia]

I always worry, even if I know it's not logical.

Just got back from the dentist, it was hilarious!!!! The dental nurse didn't know how to use the computer, or what to do with my xray slides, and I nearly threw up all over the dentist as he kept triggering my gag reflex when he tried putting the xray plates in my mouth!!!

[Paula]

What? That’s ridiculous!

[Jaquaia]

And then she had to ask another dental nurse to help her with my xray plates who then knocked a filing system over.

I couldn't help but laugh!!! Bonus is my dentist is dishy ;) though wouldn't be going back if I had thrown up on him!!!!

[magie06]

That's a really, really nice and funny post. 6 months ago, you would have been so anxious about going, and again you have amazed me by being able to laugh while you were there. Well done.

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Jaquaia]

That's a really, really nice and funny post. 6 months ago, you would have been so anxious about going, and again you have amazed me by being able to laugh while you were there. Well done.

It's funny you said that. I've got a copy of my discharge letter from secondary services and I'd almost forgotten how bad I was then. It mentions me self-harming and having suicidal thoughts. I've come an enormous way since April when I first saw the non-medical prescriber

[Suzi]

You're amazing!

[Jaquaia]

I'm just me. I've also got rid of another worry. I know you guys tell me to take one day at a time but I tend to like to know where I'm heading itms? I've been worrying about affording my level 4 in counselling so I contacted Student Finance and I can take out tuition loans for both FE and HE at the same time! That's a huge weight off my shoulders :)

[Suzi]

Well done for being proactive!

[Jaquaia]

Finished my essay!!!! (party)

It's nearly 400 words over the limit.... oops!!!!

[Mira]

Thats awesome. (party)

I am sorry to ask. But what is the subject? I am curious to what you are learning. Its been a dream of mine to get a degree in history someday.

[Suzi]

Congratulations!!!

[Paula]

Well done!!

[Jaquaia]

Don't congratulate me yet! I have some serious editing to do or I'll be penalised for being over the word count! If I can get it below 1100, I can take advantage of the 10% allowance but as it stands now, just being over will drop me marks.

Mira, I'm doing a BSc in Psychology with Counselling

[Mira]

I just googled it. All i can say is wow.

[magie06]

A - MAZ - ING. And don't forget it. Is it written all over your room yet?

[Jaquaia]

It's actually the 3rd degree I've started. I already have a BA (Hons) in Geography and started a BA in Creative Writing that I had to give up because of finances.


Maybe when I've edited it down magie ;)

[Mira]

That just gets a bigger wow. Such a shame that finances stop dreams in that manner.

But i have so much respect for what you are doing.

[Jaquaia]

And relax!!!

All submitted now!!! (party)


That just gets a bigger wow. Such a shame that finances stop dreams in that manner.

But i have so much respect for what you are doing.

I just really enjoy studying. I've always been fairly academic and love learning new things.

[Suzi]

Well done love!

[Jaquaia]

Started studying again this afternoon, don't want to get too far behind again, want to get into good habits as my level 1 starts in May and I want to go full time next year now I know I can get full funding.

Really didn't want J to go home today, so much so I could have cried. Feel a little pathetic for feeling like that and I know I always get him back but the letting go bit sucks. Plus I sleep better when he's next to me. I fell asleep wrapped in a huge hug, vaguely remember rolling over and snuggling into his back and didn't move again until he had to move me as he needed the loo. I never sleep like that on my own, I toss and turn most of the night and wake up feeling just as tired. I'm tired today but I've been awake since 6 so not really surprising.

And I'm waffling but I know I've been quiet over the last couple of days and I don't want anyone to worry.

[Suzi]

You have been quiet, but I assumed things were going on....
Sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I think it's a good thing that you miss him when he's gone...

[Jaquaia]

We went out for lunch yesterday to our Sicilian place, then just relaxed at mine. He left at dinner today and I've studied this afternoon and listened to the 2nd half of the football... bloody hell!!!!!!

Mood is up and down but I can live with it

[Paula]

Your determination and sheer guts is inspirational. I’m honoured to be your friend :)

[Suzi]

I too think you're doing amazingly.

[Jaquaia]

You'll make me cry! I don't think I'm doing anything amazing, I feel like I'm swimming through treacle most of the time.

No driving lesson today as his car is poorly.

[Flo]

Well done on your studies Jaq...clever old thing you! Has J left home yet? Are you any closer to getting a place of your own? Re your counselling.... will you have to go to any weekends away for practical stuff at a later date? Or is the course all home study?

[Jaquaia]

The uni work is all home based learning, the practical stuff is courses run locally. Level 1, 2 and 3 are actually run by the place I had my last lot of counselling at. Level 4 is at the East Riding College in Beverley. I can convert that into a foundation degree in counselling, the only issue is that 2 of the modules that you study to covert it are actually modules towards my degree now! If I want to do my level 5 then the closest place that runs it is in York, which is cool as by that time I should be living with J and York is less than an hour away from where he lives

[Flo]

Well that makes sense! It couldn't be better could it if you're both living less than an hour away? It should all turn out really well.

[Jaquaia]

I now have a driving lesson! His car is all better and he rang me to let me know I could have 1pm if I wanted

[Paula]

I’m chuffed at how excited you are to have a driving lesson! What a difference to a few weeks ago :)

[Suzi]

It's lovely that you are so excited about driving!

[Jaquaia]

I'm loving it!!! I made mistakes, which he always talks through with me, dealt with loads of absolute (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing idiots, overtaking me on blind bends etc, starting from stopped is getting easier, my road positioning is better, roundabouts are better, and overall it was a positive lesson and my instructor agrees! And I was driving in the rain today. And I've not taken propranolol since my first lesson!

[magie06]

That sounds brilliant. Well done, especially as it was off and then back on in the one day. That would have put you in a spin not so long ago. Well done again.

[OldMike]

Looks like your getting there with your driving Jaq, sounds as though your more relaxed which is a good thing.

[Paula]

(party)

[Jaquaia]

Give me strength!

My mum asked me about half 4 what 2 of her meds were and when I looked they were oxycodone. She held her hand out for them and I asked when she took them this morning... 7am. What time did you take them last night? 9pm. Ffs mother!! They are extended release tablets!!! They're designed to be taken 12 hours apart! She knows this as she always used to take them 12 hours apart! Her biggest problem is she doesn't listen to the bloody doctors! She's retaining water and has been getting infected legs because her skin dries and cracks. She skipped her water tablet 4 days out of 7 last week and doesn't use the creams and lotions that the doctor gives her, and then lies about it when asked!!!

[Paula]

Is there any chance she’s just not remembering?

[Jaquaia]

If she's not remembering then she lied when I asked. She said it's because she woke up in pain. I know how horrible I felt when I tore my intercostals so I may not understand, but I can empathise, but she knows. She's taken them for years and made a point of telling me that she used to take them every 12 hours but thought it would be ok. I offered to put them all in an app for her but she said she'd remember but I put the opiods in anyway. This is what I'm always up against with her. She doesn't listen to the doctors as she relies on me to remember it all. She has a TENS machine but rarely uses it and then complains it's not working as well or comes out with a rubbish excuse as to why she hasn't asked me to put it on for her. She was given exercises from the physio for her back, I've never seen her do them once but she claims she does them before we get up. Not buying that one. The OT gave her specially made splints for on a night, she's never used them, she just comes up with excuses. She has a hearing aid, very really wears it. She's started to use it as she scares Scarlett when she shouts, but complains it irritates her ear. I've been reminding her for the last year and a half to ring and make an appointment to get it adjusted but yet more excuses. She complains about gaining weight but eats (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) and is constantly snacking on mints or bread and doesn't move much. She's been told not to drink tea with her meals as it affects the absorption of B12 and iron from her meals but still does at every meal and bull(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)s about it when I remind her. There's probably loads more I've forgotten too. How can I care for her properly when she won't do stuff to help herself? And then I get stressed with her and it starts affecting my own mental health.

[Suzi]

Most of what you've written there I could have (and probably have) written about my own mum....

[Jaquaia]

I can tell I was getting a little too stressed last night as I started flaring. Ibuprofen before bed seems to have stopped it before it got too bad though.

[Suzi]

*sends sympathy* Flaring too right now...

How are you today lovely? What plans do you have for the weekend?

[Jaquaia]

I've just been studying, well... I say just. I've also done all the washing and cooked tea. Brother is down so can't escape, which sucks as my dad has been drinking a lot again... Pain in my wrists has dulled to an ache today, though cooking tea hasn't really helped matters...

Only plan for the weekend is studying. Oh and J is popping after work on Sunday. Sarah is popping up next Friday and wants to meet him properly so we're going across to the Railway Museum to meet him for lunch. Not scared at all!!!! :x

[Suzi]

That sounds like you've been doing too much again!

Next weekend sounds like fun!

[Jaquaia]

Had no choice really. My mums back and legs have been bad today and I was nearly out of underwear! Had to argue with her to let me do the washing as it was! Apparently washing colours with whites to save doing more than one wash at uni has been held against me.... And dad was more interested in talking to my brother about work than cooking so I took over so we could actually eat before 7!

I'm nervous but have uni work and a driving lesson before then so one thing at a time.

[Mira]

Well try to make time for yourself as well. Doing to much so you might run out of energy is no good. You will need it for the fun good moments.

[Jaquaia]

I'm reading some more of my chapter until 9, then it's Celebrity Apprentice. It was hilarious last night!!!! And my chapter is absolutely fascinating! It's about brain damage and it's affect on language.

[Suzi]

We laughed lots at Celeb Apprentice too! Balloon men!!!

[Jaquaia]

Claude retweeted me!!!!! The look on everyone's faces when the balloon men came out had me in stitches!!!! Omid had some balls to do that, thank god we didn't see them!! (rofl)

Ended up taking ibuprofen before bed. Clicked my fingers to get Talia's attention and it really didn't feel right. Hopefully it will help. It would explain why I feel so tired. Always seem to be hit by fatigue when I'm flaring

[Suzi]

Yup, flare = more fatigue than normal. It's because it takes more energy to do anything when you're trying to move through treacle....

Hope you slept well lovely...

[Jaquaia]

Not particularly. Have changed both beds though and swapped the washing over in the dryer. Settling down to study now. I know you'll say it sounds like I've done a lot but if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done.

[Suzi]

Then maybe you could space it out over a couple of days rather than all on one?

[Jaquaia]

I probably should but I'm stubborn and wanted it out of the way. I took a couple of hours break anyway as I told J to come see me for hugs. He's really low today, doesn't have a clue why I see him as a strong person

[Suzi]

Sorry he's feeling low.. Hope the hugs have helped both of you. xx

[Jaquaia]

He said he felt a lot better when he left. Hopefully his CBT will start soon

[Suzi]

Are you resting tonight?

[Jaquaia]

Erm... I am now. Just put my work away, wanted to finish this chapter. Computer based learning tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Taking some time to pace?

[Jaquaia]

I want to catch up. If I can catch up and stay on track it will make my level 1 easier

[Suzi]

But pushing yourself too hard may also not be productive.....

[Jaquaia]

No, true. Today I can take breaks that don't involve doing the washing!!! And it's a fascinating subject so it's been no hardship.

[Suzi]

How's it going?
Drink break?

[Jaquaia]

It's going ok, taking breaks and slowly sipping a drink.

[Suzi]

Can you drink a bit more?

[Jaquaia]

I can try

[Suzi]

How'd it go?

[Jaquaia]

Just over a litre. And I've finished a weeks work.

[Flo]

Morning Jaq.....what are you up to today?...seeing J? Good for you finishing a weeks work, that takes some doing I'm sure.

[Jaquaia]

Studying again Flo. I have last weeks work to start now! And probably obsessively check my email to see if my results are back! J is popping after work tomorrow.

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous!

[Jaquaia]

My tutor must have seen what I said! (giggle)

93%!!!!!!!! (party)

[Paula]

You are AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mira]

Wow thats awesome. Congratulations. All that work had a grand finish. So deserved (party)

[Jaquaia]

I'm actually pretty proud of myself! Yes, you read that right, and no, this isn't an imposter! I worked really hard for that and I'm really chuffed!

[magie06]

OMG!!! That is amazing!!! Congratulations and well done! (party)

[Jaquaia]

Couldn't wait until the next time I put my laptop on to collects my feedback... I've got some wonderful feedback from my tutor! So pleased!!!

[Suzi]

So proud of you! Well done lovely!

[Jaquaia]

Really angry this morning. Just been to the doctors with my mum. She wanted help with the pain but because she's under pain management, he can't really do anything as she can't have anti-inflammatories because of her asthma and that was the only option open to him. She cried because of the pain she's in but apparently now the consultant isn't going to give her the injections because they won't help. So reduced her opiods by two-thirds saying the injections might work and now saying she can't have them. She's just rang pain management on the GPs advice to be told they don't have an acute service and to try the pain management nurses.

[magie06]

I don't blame you. That is so frustrating. Where can you channel your anger now? Is there anything proactive that you can do? Get back to the Gp or maybe get onto those pain management nurses?

[Jaquaia]

The nurse she spoke to is going to go speak to her consultant and ring her back

[magie06]

Any news?

[Suzi]

That's disgusting! I hope you've heard something.

[Jaquaia]

Nothing. I've made her try her TENS machine as even a little relief is better than nothing.

[Suzi]

Magnesium spray is meant to help too - it's on my list of things to try next. I struggle to see how they can leave her with no pain relief. That's terrible!

[Jaquaia]

She has pain relief, she's on 40mg longtec twice a day, 20mg shortec 4 times a day and paracetamol, plus 60mg duloxetine twice a day and 30mg ami, I know they both offer pain relief too. She said she could cope at 80mg longtec but what she's on now doesn't even touch it. My mum has been in pain for over a decade and the only time I've seen her cry was when she had a massive flare up with her RA before it was diagnosed.

[Paula]

But she doesn’t have effective pain relief, that’s a huge difference. Have you heard anything?

[Jaquaia]

What worries me is she's still taking 3 times the British Pain Society's recommended morphine equivalent dose. Surely they can't try and reduce the shortec with the pain she is in.

Nothing yet, and she's got her TENS machine turned up to nearly full power...

[Paula]

Maybe they’ll need to rethink the meds. She needs to see the consultant (but I don’t need to tell you that) and have a frank chat about options .....

[Jaquaia]

She's supposed to be seeing him next month so I'll make sure I'll go with her.

J has just left. He has strict orders to go home, take some paracetamol and go to bed and has been packed off with silver cream, tissues and strepsils. He's done nothing but apologise for coughing and being snotty, he's worried about giving me his cold and has apologised for that, and his counselling starts in 2 weeks and he's apologised about it being on a Tuesday... it makes me so sad that he feels the need to apologise but I know with a lot of love and reassurance he will slowly learn that it's not needed with me.

[Suzi]

I definitely think that she needs to be seen by a consultant. It's ridiculous.

Hope J feels better really soon and he hasn't passed it on to you!

[Jaquaia]

I told him that him staying away wouldn't stop me catching a cold so he might as well come and get hugs. I've had sinus issues for ages anyway.

Will see if the pain management nurse calls her back tomorrow. If not she'll have to ring again. I need to ring the rheumatology OT tomorrow too, I was referred in August and still haven't been given an appointment. In fact, when my doctor chased it up, they told her that if I hadn't heard from them in 2 weeks then I should contact them, that was 8 weeks ago....

[magie06]

It's so impossible to be seen by anyone, when you need them. It's the same here. My sister-in-law is having terrible trouble at the moment. She was sent into the the public system and saw a consultant once while she was in hospital for 5 days. She now has been sent private and within 6 hours of starting a new medication, her shakes have stopped, her eye has opened and she's able to get around again. The public consultant will see her again in July. No care given at all.

[Jaquaia]

I'm not seeing my rheumatologist for another 6 months, and I don't think that's too bad for me. The medication I am on manages my arthritis pretty well, I have the odd flare up but I can usually manage that with anti-inflammatories. Now my mum isn't back for 8 months either, her condition isn't under control... how can they make her wait that long?

I did ring the RA OT this morning but the OT isn't in today. The receptionist seemed really confused as to why I haven't had an appointment as she could clearly see my referral letter. It's only been 6 months since the specialist referred me....

[Flo]

Did you ask if you can get on the cancellation list?....sadly you sometimes have to push and push a bit more!

[Jaquaia]

I'm not in a big rush so can wait, there may be people like my mum who need their help much more then me (though actually use the help they provide!!!). At least they've been reminded that I'm still waiting.

[Suzi]

Has your Mum heard anything yet?

[Jaquaia]

Not that I know of and apparently they never actually said they would ring her back...

[Suzi]

Really? FFS!

[Jaquaia]

Tom is cancer free!!!! 22 months ago he was given a life expectancy of 6 months, stage 4 stomach cancer which had metastasized; now they're stopping treatment as his scans show no sign of cancer!!!!! That is THE BEST news to start the day!!!!

[Paula]

That’s absolutely incredible! Wonderful!

[Suzi]

Wow that's incredible! Hooray!