Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Suzi]

Awesome Twitter!

What a complete cow! I'm so glad you're not going with her anymore.

[Jaquaia]

I've had a huge knot in my chest almost all day, even after taking propranolol. I was trying really hard to concentrate on going round a corner and getting my gears and she was asking loads of questions and today concentrating and answering questions was a step too far. She's taken that as me blanking her so I told her it would be my last lesson. She was very abrupt when we got back to mine. Told her I didn't want a refund as she made her terms and conditions very clear and there wasn't 48 hours notice so I was ok with full payment. She started going on about how she was just teaching me things I needed to know and her priority was the safety of people both in and outside the car and going on about me not answering questions was an issue and saying I was concentrating wasn't a good enough excuse to blank her. I had no praise for things I was doing right at all. So I told her that she lost my trust last week when she told me I had no choice but to do Holderness Road whether I liked it or not after telling me that she would never make me do something I'm not comfortable with. Her response was I can't keep driving around the same areas and I was doing ok doing the traffic lights near me and that's a main road too. Yes it is, except the road near me isn't a 2-lane A-road... Apparently stalling wasn't an issue yet at the time I was constantly being told I had to be faster. Anyway, told her I'd had a huge knot in my chest all day because I was dreading my lesson and I shouldn't be feeling like that. If she'd actually been watching me, she would have seen that I was adjusting to what she said, just verbalising was too much today. And that was down to her. The way she spoke to me made me feel like a naughty schoolgirl outside the headmasters office. I felt attacked by her. I told her about how nervous I was and about my anxiety before she agreed to teach me, if she couldn't adjust her teaching to that then she shouldn't have taken me on imho

[Suzi]

Well said! What a horrible person..

[Jaquaia]

Her response when I said I shouldn't be dreading my lessons was "fair enough", that was it. No apology about me feeling that way. She justified it by telling me she told me she would push me and she wouldn't make me do something she didn't think I could do and that I'm capable of a lot more than I think. Maybe so, but there are ways of interacting with people to coax the best out of them and all she's managed to do is make me feel like a failure. I understand that she's teaching me to do what I need to do but I've said a couple of times that I may need a bit longer to grasp some things, I'm academic, not practical. I'm struggling with stopping and starting, how is making me do an A-road going to help me achieve that? Even when I managed better than normal today, nothing was said, no positive reinforcement at all, just negative. I know that I sometimes need pushing but if I feel attacked or pushed too hard I shut down. She's destroyed the little bit of confidence I was starting to feel.

[Suzi]

You're so much better off without her!

[Jaquaia]

It does feel like a weight off my shoulders

[Suzi]

Then you know it was the right thing to do..

[Jaquaia]

Just spoken to the instructor J's friend recommended. He's so lovely!!!! Spent almost 20 minutes on the phone with him, he put me at ease straight away, he has no problem teaching the same thing over and over again, in fact he taught one woman for 4 years before she passed her test, and he also teaches people with autism and aspergers. He told me he doesn't really care what someones diagnosis is, if they have the ability then he will teach them as we're all human at the end of the day. He's recommended 1 and a half to 2 hour lessons as that way, if I need to practice something to death then I have plenty of time. He's hoping to get me started around mid-February :)

Oh and he also agreed that teaching so negatively is counterproductive!!!

[Angie]

Well done on telling her and you made the right decision. The thing is that teaching you to drive is her job that she gets paid for so now she has one less person paying her but also she will of lost a recommendation which is a big thing for driving instructors and it is down to her own attitude that has happened, She should of taken it slower with you and built your confidence up in not only yourself and your driving but in her, the reality is she did the opposite so personally it is down to her own self this happened dont let her worry you know she is gone xx

[Suzi]

Ahha, you have found your instructor! That's exactly what Claire was like for me and most importantly Ben!

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

I'm feeling a lot... lighter! It's the only word I can think of to describe it. Tired and lethargic but my plan is to shower and then study for a couple of hours and then I'm spending the rest of the day with J

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you are - on both counts! Feeling lighter and spending the day with J!

[Paula]

Sounds like you’ve found and dealt with the root cause of what’s been upsetting you recently, thank goodness. Enjoy your afternoon with J :)

[Jaquaia]

Yesterday was lovely! The plan was tea at the indoor market but it was cold and we hadn't had lunch so we dived into Costa, then wandered around the art gallery and the maritime museum. Wandered down to the indoor market but all the food places close early so popped into M&S to grab some food. Bumped into my old supervisor and had a nice long chat with her and also one of the girls on the shop floor. Though James has said he notices I put a front on when I see people I know. I suppose it's the old fake it to make it thing.

[Suzi]

I'm so glad you had a lovely day! You sound brighter today too....

[Jaquaia]

I'm grumpy today. TOTM, stomach ache and irritable. Currently taking a break from cleaning the bathroom. Going to give the hallway and my room a quick hoover too then study and eat lots of chocolate. Oh! Maintained weight too. Would have preferred to lose but that's probably due to TOTM.

[magie06]

Well done. STS is better than going up!

[Jaquaia]

44 pounds lost from my heaviest so far

[magie06]

Oh WOW! That's amazing!!! Well done you!(clap)(clap)

[Suzi]

Wow! That's amazing! Well done you!

[Paula]

You’re incredible! :)

[Jaquaia]

I don't see that. I'm just me xx

[Paula]

Yeah, but ‘just you’ is awesome!

[Flo]

Well done on the weight loss Jaq. When Zoe has TOTM she buys a huge bar of Galaxy, disguises it as something else in foil then hides it at the back of the fridge! Woe betide anyone that finds it and nicks any!! She's also a man hater for 2-3 days!!(giggle)

[Jaquaia]

Me and J popped into M&S to grab tea and ended up coming out with gigantic chocolate buttons and sea salt fudge bites. We killed the fudge bites while watching Kinky Boots last night, I'll be killing the buttons tonight!!!!

I just get irritable and tearful and end up with stomach ache for a few days.

[Jaquaia]

Tom is completely cancer free!!!! Woohoo!!!!! (party)(party)(party)

[Angie]

Thats brilliant news hunni x

[Suzi]

So pleased! That's a huge weight off your mind... Brilliant news! I know how close you are!

[Flo]

Afternoon Jaq...how are things today love?

[Jaquaia]

Tired and restless. Have changed both lots of bedding and trying to crack on with uni work but struggling to focus

[Suzi]

(panda) Sorry you're not feeling that great...

[Jaquaia]

It's something I'm getting used to really. At the hospital with my mum in the morning then doing a little shopping then spending the day studying. Then, weather dependent, hugs from J for an hour or so!

[Suzi]

But you shouldn't be "getting used to it!" You deserve to be happy love..

[Jaquaia]

I'm a lot happier than I was. I just hate being here

[Angie]

(bear)

[Suzi]

Not forever love, you will get out and be happy..

[Paula]

Try and hold on to the big picture, sweetie, this is only temporary (bear)

[Jaquaia]

Sometimes it's difficult, especially when I'm struggling

[Suzi]

I know love, but try to see it like you would a puzzle or a diamond painting - it takes all the little bits to slot into place and you can't see the whole picture while you are working on each individual piece...

[Jaquaia]

That's a good analogy. I hate that I overthink things

[Suzi]

Ahh, so does Marc.... It's something we're learning to unravel - him at trying to not overthink and me at not getting frustrated at times...

[Flo]

Overthinking things with me results in anxiety. Ian tries to make me think logically but he too gets frustrated! I know I'm my own worst enemy and I give myself a lot of grief at times and I try to be logical, but it doesn't always work. But hey Jaq, what lovely times you're having with J. This time last year it was a totally different story wasn't it?

[Jaquaia]

I'm brilliant at thinking logically!!! It drives J crazy when I logic things out for him! I'm just rubbish when it comes to doing it for myself...

[Flo]

I think that's the case more or less across the board!(wasntme)

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Jaquaia]

Sinus headache, my eyes hurt so my plan was to slowly plod through my uni work with lots of breaks while my parents went to my sisters. Except sister dear is coming here... surprised she can remember where we live...

So todays plan instead is Scarlett hugs and trying to stop Talia from being a knob, relearning standard deviation and reading about how results sections are constructed in psychological reports.

[Suzi]

Hope you're feeling better lovely.....

[Jaquaia]

I'm clenching my jaw which isn't helping but finished my chapter at least. Been sat drawing with Scarlett. Just tired and it's too peoplely today.

[Paula]

I'm clenching my jaw which isn't helping but finished my chapter at least. Been sat drawing with Scarlett. Just tired and it's too peoplely today.

Yep, I know exactly what you mean....

[Jaquaia]

I've just realised I've not been for a wee since about 10am... not surprising when I've only had 1 glass of coke all day...

Before I get told off, I've just installed an app that will remind me to drink every hour because this really is an issue

[Paula]

Good to hear, hunni, nice to know the ‘gentle’ hints have gone in (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

It had to happen at some point!

[Suzi]

Before I get told off, I've just installed an app that will remind me to drink every hour because this really is an issue
Good! I'm glad you're taking it seriously!

[Jaquaia]

I've had a reminder or two....

[Suzi]

Really? Are you sure? I wonder who from?

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)

[Flo]

You mean the Rosa Klebb of drink, eats and meds??...blimey, she get's everywhere!

[Suzi]

How are you gorgeous?

[Jaquaia]

Tired, struggling to concentrate, irritable and I've ran out of chocolate. That's probably a good thing really but still!!!

[Suzi]

Sorry it's not a great one lovely....

[Jaquaia]

I watched Sing. Cartoons make me happy!

[Suzi]

I love Sing! :) Maybe you need a bit of Moana? Or Lilo and Stitch? or Frozen?

[Jaquaia]

Lilo and Stitch is one of my favourites!!! Love Moana and Frozen, though I wasn't keen on Frozen the first time I watched it. Hercules is my favourite disney though.

[Suzi]

OMG Hercules is Hazel's favourite! She knows all the songs (but she does to all Disney lol) and Lilo and Moana and Mulan and Frozen and all of them!

What'cha doing today?

[Jaquaia]

I love Mulan!!! My brothers girlfriend has borrowed my copy as she's never seen it!

I'm studying for now. J is popping round this afternoon but when all depends on when he wakes up, night shifts are fun!

[Paula]

Does he always do nights or do they change the rota?

[Jaquaia]

They change the rota. He's got a night shift tomorrow and then back on days on Sunday.

[Paula]

My dad did nights in the fire service - it’s a huge strain on the body ....

[Jaquaia]

On the plus side I've managed to show him that he needs to be back in counselling. They just rang at 9am to arrange his assessment...

[Paula]

Fab!!

[Jaquaia]

Tonight is me being relieved that my grandparents and aunts graves have not been vandalised. I should never, ever have to feel like that! In what world do people think it's a good idea to vandalise graves?

[Mira]

In no world what so ever. Its a horrible thing to do and so disrespectful.

[Mira]

How are you feeling today?

[Jaquaia]

A little unsettled. I had bad dreams and the cemetery being vandalised probably didn't help that. My cousin is going to check if her dads grave is one of those vandalised today. Another cousins husband went out to check my grandparents, aunts and his mums graves about half 8 last night, but my uncle died when I was still a baby so before they married, so he didn't know where his grave is. Trying to study to keep myself occupied though.

[Suzi]

So glad you've managed to get J to go back to counselling!

I will never understand why people feel that vandalising graves is ok to do. It isn't. My thoughts to those who have had to deal with that.

Hope you're doing OK lovely.

[Jaquaia]

I'm plodding. Tired but plodding. It's all I can do really.

[Allalone]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Hey you, why so plodding? How are you today? Can you get some proper rest at all?

[Paula]

Any plans today?

[Jaquaia]

Studying. Feel a bit crap today, realised this morning that I forgot to take my pregabalin last night...

I promise that I will take breaks though not too many as my aunt is coming down and she irritates me!

[Suzi]

Oh bugger!Missing pregabalin isn't much fun....(panda)
Why does she irritate you?
Have you taken a break and a drink recently?

[Paula]

Oh yuck, I did that last week - it’s really not fun ....
Just do what you need to do in your own time, lovely (bear)

[Jaquaia]

Suzi, she does nothing but complain about everything, she's just a very negative person. And even my parents is a bit too peoplely today...

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

I've messed my mums meds up. I forgot to order them and she runs out of her RA ones tomorrow. FFS!!!

[Paula]

Can you get them to do an urgent one?

[Jaquaia]

I've managed to get her an appointment tomorrow

[Paula]

Well done, hunni

[Jaquaia]

It's just something I didn't really need

[Suzi]

Could she not do her own meds love? Or could you get your pharmacist to make up dosette boxes for her so you don't have to deal with all this?

[Paula]

Could she not do her own meds love? Or could you get your pharmacist to make up dosette boxes for her so you don't have to deal with all this?

Good point. Jaq - how is she going to cope when you move in with J? Will she need carers? (And I am not trying to make you feel guilty, it’s about time you started living your own life and I’m proud of you for all the changes you’ve been making in your life over the last year :))

[Jaquaia]

She can't even remember what she's supposed to take and when. Not sure about the pharmacist, they won't even order her drugs with them being CD drugs

I assumed that I would still do them. My dad would look after her I assume.

[Paula]

The pharmacy won’t do her CD repeats? Mine do (it’s a small Boots) so is it worth trying to find somewhere that does?

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula, it might be easier to find somewhere that will!

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

They used to so I don't understand why they don't anymore

[Suzi]

Could you call them and ask? Think of it as self care?

[Jaquaia]

They have explained it to my mum and I can't remember why. It's a handy pharmacy for my mum as it's only at our local shops.

[magie06]

Any plans for the weekend Jaq? Are you seeing J? Maybe a meal out or a movie?

[Jaquaia]

Sunday I'll have to be peoplely as it's my mums birthday and J is staying over on Sunday night (inlove) other then that, just studying

[Suzi]

No plans to do something nice for you before J coming over?

[Jaquaia]

I need to try and catch up. I have an essay due in 2 weeks. I've not been studying on a night though, watched Paranoid over the last few nights and started Bodyguard tonight

[Suzi]

I'm concerned about you. The lack of drinking, your mood seems a bit flat....

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Plodding along. Just a bit flat at the moment. Not sure why really

[Suzi]

Are you keeping a mood diary or similar?

[Jaquaia]

I haven't. My mood is pretty stable, it's just low-ish at the moment

[Paula]

It seems it’s been low-ish for a while. I’m a little concerned......

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula....

[Jaquaia]

It just feels normal to me. There are no thoughts of SH or worse so it's an improvement on how I have been.

[Suzi]

But being as low and flat as you have been still isn't right love...

[Jaquaia]

I don't know what else they can do. My GPs are out of options, they can't increase the vortioxetine as I'm on the max dose. I think it's a case of trying to be kind to myself, not pushing too hard and waiting for it to pass.

[Suzi]

You don't think that the nurse prescriber who you saw could help?

[Jaquaia]

It would mean another referral and having to be assessed again.

[Suzi]

Or a phone call? Could you call him and ask?

[Jaquaia]

Again, it would mean going through the HTT, and they would just refer me to go to my GP as I'm no longer a patient. He did say that if there are any problems then I should go to my GP and I can always be referred. It's scary though as he said if this doesn't work then the options are either an older antidepressant which I know can have nasty side effects. He was reluctant to take that option because of that. I can't take tricyclics because I'm on hydroxychloroquine and they can increase the risk of arrhythmia. And his other suggestion was antipsychotics. With it being a relatively new antidepressant too, I'm not sure about augmentation therapy. The vortioxetine is working, it's just not perfect.

[Suzi]

Fair enough, but please, don't rule it out completely?

[Jaquaia]

I promise that I won't. I know things aren't right at the moment, I'm irritable, lethargic and always feel tired. I reminded J about spoon theory last night as he's struggling at the moment. I remind my mum about spoon theory. I just never apply it to myself.

[Suzi]

But you deserve it to be applied to you too.....

[Jaquaia]

I don't see that. But at least I got all my mums meds sorted.

[Paula]

Thing is, love, you know as well as we do that treatment is not just about the meds, it’s also about making those changes in your life you need to which is mainly about self care. If you’re not looking after yourself, you’re not giving the meds the optimal chance of working to the maximum. Please, please try to put yourself first at least some of the time

[Jaquaia]

I think the biggest thing I need to change is my drinking habits. I've not even had a litre yet. Going to go get another drink in a minute though, been on the phone with J and have my orders.

[magie06]

One of the main things I was told that helped in my remission from depression was - you can't pour from an empty jug. They explained that, like on an aeroplane, you put your own oxygen mask on before you help anyone else. If you don't look after yourself, you won't be able to look after those around you. Please try to drink some more. Your body is made up of a huge amount of water, and during the day you lose a huge amount by just breathing, being in a heated room and going to the loo. If you don't replace all this water, your brain can become dehydrated and cause low moods.
Lecture over!

[Jaquaia]

I know. I've never drank a lot since I was a child, it's a hard habit to get out of.

[magie06]

Agreed. Your post from just a couple of days ago said you were going to try a litre per day. How is that going?

[Jaquaia]

Just managing it but it's taking a lot of effort

[Suzi]

The more you do it, the easier it gets? I know it has with my treadmill, so am approaching the drinking thing in the same way. It's something I've struggled with Hazel....

[Jaquaia]

I will drink more tomorrow as J will be here to bug me about drinking!

[Paula]

I will drink more tomorrow as J will be here to bug me about drinking!

Which is great, but you really need to find a system that works so J (and us) don’t have to bug you .... ;)

[Jaquaia]

I know. I've only just managed a litre today.

[Suzi]

Why don't you drink? Do you not like the taste? The sensation? Do you not get thirsty?

[Jaquaia]

I don't really think about it or I start doing something and forget about drinking. And I suppose it's what my body has gotten used to. I never really feel thirsty. If I do drink during the day, it's usually because I think I should make an effort or J has bollocked me and demanded photographic evidence or you lot have nagged, sorry, reminded me. I've had 2 drinks today, both have lasted me around 5 hours. And I know that is not good when even being on a diuretic doesn't make me need the loo any more frequently.

[Angie]

Can you have high water content foods aswell just add to the drinks your drinking no it doesnt replace having a drink but it helps

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to make sure I eat fruit

[Paula]

What about soup, things like that?

[Jaquaia]

I often have cuppa soup for dinner. Didn't today as Scarlett was down, everyone was as it's my mums birthday. Almost finished my first drink though

[Suzi]

How you doing now love?

[Jaquaia]

It's been very peoplely. She's very bossy, she made me sit on the floor drawing with her. Feel exhausted and on edge now but going to go and try and do a little work. I probably shouldn't as I've had 5 hours sleep but I need to do something, even if it is just writing up my notes from the section of my chapter

[Suzi]

Who made you sit on the floor and draw? Hope you're resting too.... Sounds like a trying day.. .

[Jaquaia]

Sorry, Scarlett. Either drawing or blowing bubbles.

[Suzi]

Sounds like the better option to me!

[Jaquaia]

I can deal with Scarlett, the adults are the issue

[Suzi]

Yup! It normally is!

[Jaquaia]

I've come up to do uni work. I clearly said that was what I was doing before I came upstairs. Yet my mother has just come up to ask if J enjoyed himself last night, even though she asked him before he left!!! :@

[Paula]

Sorry, hun, that made me giggle. Though, without wanting to upset you, and I know you do understandably struggle with your personal space being violated, there are many times when I wish my mum could follow me around the house .....

[Jaquaia]

You haven't upser me. It's very different for you, they've lived so far away for a long time so you've not been able to see them often so I completely understand that. My room is the only space I have to call my own and at the moment, it feels like I haven't even got that

[Suzi]

I assume you've talked to her about it?

[Jaquaia]

I've tried but she just immediately takes offence so I give up. I need to face that I either need to try and deal with it until J is ready for me to move in, and god knows when that will happen; or try and get my own place.

[Paula]

Have you thought about a house share until J is ready?

[Jaquaia]

I don't think that would be good for my mental health. I think it would end in me isolating myself even more then I do now. I struggle to get to know people in person. I've looked at prices in Hull anyway and I would have to top up the payment, even on HB, the house shares I've seen are £80+ a week. Add in the bills I have and food and I wouldn't be able to afford it and driving lessons would have to be cancelled completely until I could find work and I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.
I just need to deal with it, just like I need to deal with a lot of things

[Suzi]

Oh hunni (panda)(panda)

[Jaquaia]

In other news, had to deal with Cruella going out for tea with J and the children. It's A's birthday and T asked if she could go and I've always said that I won't object to them doing things together for the children with things like their birthdays but it's bloody hard.

Oh and I have a driving lesson tomorrow.

[Paula]

You’ll be great tomorrow, even booking these lessons after what happened is awesome!

[Jaquaia]

I'm not convinced. I'm already nervous.

[Suzi]

I agree, you'll be fabulous!

[Allalone]

I’m sure it’ll be fine Jaq. (panda)

[Jaquaia]

I hope so. He does seem to be really nice and one of J's best friends recommended him and said he was lovely. Tomorrow will tell.

[Suzi]

What are you doing today to try to pace and stay as calm as you can? What time is your lesson?

[Jaquaia]

My lesson is 1-3. All I've done so far is eat and take my meds. Going to take a shower and maybe read. I don't know yet

[Suzi]

How you doing love?

[OldMike]

Good luck with your lesson Jaq (bear)

[Jaquaia]

Ok mostly. Struggling a little

[magie06]

When I was learning to drive, I'd bring a hand towel with me to put on my knees. My hands would sweat so much, the steering wheel would be slipping. It also helped with my nerves because I knew there was something I could control.

[Suzi]

Leaving this here for when you get back (panda) I'm really proud of you for going!

[Jaquaia]

He is absolutely brilliant!!!! I feel so comfortable and I would say I felt normal level anxiety today. I felt comfortable behind the wheel, he explained everything really clearly and was happy to repeat things for me. He made sure I understood things and was ok if things appeared to go over my head. I felt I did really well today and he told me I did really well. He's disagreed with pretty much everything she's told me though, he actually said it sounds like everything she said is a load of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)( swear). I really enjoyed it! Scary but I enjoyed it!!!

[Paula]

(party)(party) well done, lovely, that’s AWESOME

[Jaquaia]

My mums already commented on the difference in me. He asked me to mark myself out of 10 for how well I'd done. I said 7 and he thought I was being harsh on my self. I did 2 roundabouts, stopping and setting off, didn't stall once, he said my road positioning was good the last time I parked up was spot on. I can't believe I felt comfortable behind the wheel but I really did!!!

[magie06]

That is so WONDERFUL!!!! I'm so happy you didn't just throw in the towel and say that driving wasn't for you. You're such an inspiration. Well done. (party) (y)

[Jaquaia]

I'm just doing what I need to do magie. J lives in a small village about 10 miles out of town so I need to be able to drive before I move in with him really, or at least close to driving as there is only 2 buses a day and his parents are nearly 70 and 75 so I can't rely on them. Plus my training courses are in Hull and Beverley, so again, need to be able to drive to get there.

[Angie]

It makes such a difference the attitude of your driving instructor and that shows today hunni well done

[Suzi]

I'm so thrilled for you! Well done!

[Allalone]

That’s fantastic Jaq! Well done!xx

[Jaquaia]

J has the children on Thursday so he brought my Valentine's gift today. Now Valentine's is only something I've ever really bothered with since I met J, he wants to do the whole dating things properly as I've never really had it before. Well... he made me cry again!!! He said such beautiful things in the card and has bought me this "A Rough Outline: The Singles & B-Sides 1995-2003" https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000ECXCKE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_7m0yCbHYQESBH

I only briefly showed him it and then complained because someone had bought the only copy that wasn't £30 not realising that someone was him!!!! He's such a sneaky twat but I do love him. And he's the only one who ever manages to make me cry in happiness (inlove)

[Allalone]

That’s lovely Jaq. I’m so happy for you.xx

[Suzi]

Awww! He' an old romantic isn't he? So pleased for you!

[magie06]

Did you get one of those big huge cards with lots of romantic verses written on it?
'I wish I was a big blue duck egg,
A big huge whopper,
And you beside me on the pan,
A long and thin streaky rasher.'
Just one I can remember off the top of my head.

[Jaquaia]

No it just said "One I love. Saw you. Like you. Keeping you." (inlove)

[Paula]

Did you get one of those big huge cards with lots of romantic verses written on it?
'I wish I was a big blue duck egg,
A big huge whopper,
And you beside me on the pan,
A long and thin streaky rasher.'
Just one I can remember off the top of my head.

(rofl)

[OldMike]

Well done on the driving front Jaq (party)

[Jaquaia]

I did adulting!!!! I rang my debt company as driving lessons were going to make all my bills a struggle to keep up with. They've more than halved my payments and then put me through to their solicitor to discuss my plan with them (dickhead really is a (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)!). Well, based on my new plans, the payment with them would be classed as manageable but the guy I spoke to started asking who I cared for and how it impacted on me. I freely admitted I had mental health problems anyway and had for 13 years now. He asked about treatment so I explained that I was medicated and had been discharged back to my GP. Because I have mental health problems, apparently that means they are no longer able to pursue any legal action if I missed payments so they are referring it back to their client! I have to wait for a letter from the client and then contact them when I get it. It's not even a case of paying them if a payment becomes due before I get the letter! He said don't worry about the debt, just focus of me and my health! Just wow!!!

Seriously guys, if you have debt issues, don't avoid it, speak to the company. The agents I have dealt with from 2 companies and a solicitors have been brilliant and really understanding.

[magie06]

OMG! You are a proper grown-up. Well done. Seriously, your 5 on Friday is going to be brilliant.

[Paula]

That’s fantastic news!

[Suzi]

That's fantastic!

[Jaquaia]

It's such a huge relief!

[Suzi]

How's the drinking going?

[Jaquaia]

Erm...

[Suzi]

Have you had a drink recently?

[Jaquaia]

I've had about half a glass. Getting stressed now though as my mum is cracking me up and my dad is drinking which isn't helping and Talia knows how to bring me back to earth with a bang! I didn't check what she was doing when she disappeared out of my room while I was working... (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ting on the back door mat :x my own fault for not checking as she had gone to the door

[Paula]

Niiiice :/ Please drink, hunni, you’re going to make yourself poorly :(

[Jaquaia]

I've managed about a glass and have a bottle of water with me too. Will keep trying

[Suzi]

How big is the bottle and how much of it have you drunk?

Sweetheart does your GP know how little you are drinking if they are prescribing diuretics?

[Jaquaia]

It's 800ml. Still drinking the one I got with tea, not actually started my water yet. I don't know why I struggle with it so much.

The weightwise team were aware of how little I drink, not sure if I've ever mentioned it to my GP

[Paula]

I’m with Suzi, I think it’s important they know about it.

[Jaquaia]

I will try and increase what I drink as I don't want to come off it again. The last time I was taken off it, my hair started falling out quicker.

[Suzi]

What? The diuretic? I've not heard about using that for hair loss before... You have to increase what you are drinking. The harm you can be doing to your kidneys is huge love. You are asking them to push out more water when you aren't taking in what you would lose every day just by being alive... They can only cope under that kind of strain for so long. I'm sorry to sound harsh, but I know how horrible kidney disease is and how bad it can get when they hit kidney failure....

[Jaquaia]

It's off licence. The dermatology consultant prescribed it for me. I never need to go any more often than normal so I'm guessing that is not a great sign... I will normally have 2 or 3 drinks on a night, it's during the day that's a problem.

[Paula]

Have you managed to drink anything today? What’s your ‘normal’ for going to the loo?

[Jaquaia]

4 or 5 times a day, usually when I get up and then mainly mid-afternoon onwards. I've had about quarter of a glass. Still not been for a wee yet. I have a bottle of water with me so will start sipping it.

[Paula]

You haven’t had a wee since you woke up? That’s not good, love, you should be desperate to go after a night’s sleep ....

[Jaquaia]

I'm very rarely desperate to go when I wake up. I have drank just under half a bottle of water though so trying to make a bigger effort today.

[Suzi]

Keep going with it, you have to crack this one love.

[Jaquaia]

Trying, I just don't really feel thirsty

[Paula]

I'm very rarely desperate to go when I wake up. I have drank just under half a bottle of water though so trying to make a bigger effort today.

Flippin ‘eck, I can barely make it to the en-suite :0

Then set your alarm for every 10 min, at least if you miss every other one you’re still drinking more than you were

[Jaquaia]

I've reset the reminder for every half an hour. I'll see how I go with that for now

[Suzi]

Trying, I just don't really feel thirsty
But you need to reprogramme yourself so you do....

[Jaquaia]

Trying! Almost hit a litre

[Suzi]

A whole litre? That's awesome!

[Jaquaia]

Even passed a litre now!

So it turns out that T knows of me...

[Suzi]

T? IS that the ex?

Well done for passing a litre!!

[Paula]

T? IS that the ex?

If it is, that really a bad thing, in the long term?

[Jaquaia]

T would be his little boy. Turns out she asked him in December if he had heard my name mentioned. He had an attitude today and turned round to J and said "You know mum's been asking me about Jaq?"

[Suzi]

What did he say?

[Jaquaia]

I'm not actually sure, I can't remember if he said now. He's angry at her but he's not going to say anything in case T was told not to say anything as he doesn't want to drop him in it. He's just going to give her the rope to hang herself. She's out of order dragging the children in to things like that.

[magie06]

How's your day going?

[Jaquaia]

Just on my way home from town after my eye test. Oh and I went on the bus on my own!!! £74 lighter as I needed new glasses AGAIN!!!! So got prescription sunglasses too as the lovely man in the opticians gave me a discount!

[Suzi]

Hooray for new glasses?! Definitely hoorah for discounts!

[Jaquaia]

I only got new glasses a year ago but my left eye is weaker then my right eye so needed a stronger prescription. I'm even at the stage where I get a bigger NHS voucher because of my prescription! I asked how much it would cost to get a pair done as sunglasses and he said about 2 for 1 which you're not meant to get with an NHS voucher, so 2 pair of glasses and paying for ultra thin lenses for my normal glasses for £74. Had to pay for ultra thin lenses, without them the outside of my lense has hit 1cm thick....

[Paula]

But you went on the bus alone! (party)

[Jaquaia]

There and back!!!! And walked through town to the bus station! And didn't get any back pain at all so really feeling the benefit of the weight loss so far!!! And dealt with the bus going a different way through town as they're knocking a building down by the usual bus stop with minimal anxiety!

[magie06]

You really are amazing!! That's wonderful progress.

[Jaquaia]

If I'm so awesome then why do people treat me like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)?
My brother asked about my driving lesson and what my instructor said about her so I told him and all I got was I wouldn't do it like this, I wouldn't do it like that, I guarantee you'll pick up bad habits with how you hold the steering wheel/speeding etc. Wouldn't accept that how you're supposed to hold the wheel is how I find it comfortable, wouldn't accept that he's picked up bad habits like speeding as apparently it's completely different if it's on 2 wheels so told him to wind his neck in as he was getting arrogant with the way he was being with me, rolling his eyes at everything I said. He response was "me getting arrogant???". No brother dear, I was trying to defend what I've been taught, what my mum also agreed with as she was taught the same way and as usual, you think you know better. So told him he didn't have to worry about taking me out in his car as he obviously didn't want to anyway with the excuses he come out with. Apparently he wasn't making excuses but told him everyone has said his reason was a load of rubbish so forget about it. Apparently he couldn't take me out in his car as he drives a diesel and they're very different to petrol. My dad, J and my instructor have all said it's a load of rubbish as all clutches are slightly different and it being diesel or petrol isn't that important, it's what you get used to. J is car mad, my dad was a mechanic for years, my instructor has been teaching for nearly 30 years yet my brother still insists he's right.

[Paula]

It actually sounds to me that he’s not treating you like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) in particular, but that he’s so convinced he’s always right, it wouldn’t matter if it was you or anyone else who’s learning, he’d still argue the toss. Try not to take it personally, lovely

[Jaquaia]

I already have taken it personally as it's almost had me in tears. I'm fed up of the negativity directed at me. Why do I always have to be the one in the wrong?

[Suzi]

I had similar with my parents eldest. I couldn't believe it when I was told he was going to teach me.....

Breathe hunni, breathe and distract all the way...

[Jaquaia]

I just can't be doing with it. My mum insists on telling me things about my former best friends and doesn't take "I don't care" as a hint that I don't want to know. I really hate being here at times

[Jaquaia]

Pride and Prejudice and a bag of mini creme eggs. Much better :)

[Paula]

I was watching the series version today (where Colin Firth was outed as a hottie ;)). Great minds!

[Jaquaia]

I spotted it on BBC iPlayer so I didn't even have to get up to change discs! ;)

It's a comfort thing for me, it never fails to cheer me up

[magie06]

I did the novel for my leaving cert and loved it. When it came out with Colin Firth I was in heaven!
And I still think you are amazing. I have a brother who's the same way. We got on great when he was living in San Francisco, but when he moved home we started clashing again. It's his way or no way. He sees everything as white or black and there's no grey area. It's his way, and I mostly ignore everything he has to say. We get on better that way.

[Jaquaia]

I take things too much to heart and if I'm honest, my head hasn't been the greatest just lately so I really didn't need him being an arse, especially after pushing myself to go into town on my own. I didn't have the spoons for that and him and studying. It doesn't help that when talking to my mum or she starts asking questions, everything has to be repeated as she's more interested in playing games on her phone or DS. Ffs mother, if you want to know things thenactually listen!

Magie, it's my favourite novel! I have 3 copies of it!!! I have the copy I bought a few years ago, the copy J bought me as part of the Jane Austen boxset for my birthday and he also bought me a hardback copy from the early 70s which has the wonderful smell books start getting after a few decades. I absolutely adore it.

[Suzi]

How are you today?

[Jaquaia]

Tired, irritable and hibernating in my room with my textbooks today!

[Suzi]

(panda) Hope you get some rest too lovely...

[magie06]

Try and build up some spoons for yourself. Thinking of you honey. I dreamt of my brother last night! Some of the really nasty rows we had as children and even as young adults. I woke Gerry with my shouting.

[Jaquaia]

I'm trying to catch up but also trying to make time to just do nothing.It will be Mr Darcy again tonight!

[Paula]

I’m way ahead of you! Wykeham has just gone chasing after the heiress ;)

[Jaquaia]

He is a cad and a bounder!

[Suzi]

Lol, I haven't seen it in years!

[Jaquaia]

I love it! Mr Darcy is currently going for a dip ;)

[Suzi]

(rofl)

[Paula]

I’ve finished, and am already bereft. May have to once again read direct from the genius behind Mr Darcy :)

[Jaquaia]

I've been contemplating the exact same thing all day

[Suzi]

Lol..

How are you today Jaq?

[Jaquaia]

Tired, headachey, my house is too peoplely...

[Paula]

Any chance of you being up to sitting down in a local coffee shop with a book? I know there’ll be more people, but they won’t expect anything from you itms

[Jaquaia]

I often do that when I'm meeting J. It gets dangerous if I choose the Costa in Waterstones though...

Made myself get a shower which has helped the headache so maybe it was a tension headache...

[OldMike]

Tired, headachey, my house is too peoplely...

Not at all peoply here except for some old dude (giggle) I know what you mean it's nice to have people around but not too much.

[Suzi]

(panda) Hope you get to do something that is less peopley, but also not just shut away in your room too....

[Jaquaia]

Head is banging again. Have grabbed a drink and dinner, have put tea in to cook, homemade goulash today, and am going to plod steadily through some work.

[magie06]

Try not to do too much and try to rest. Your headache won't get any better if you study too much.

[Jaquaia]

It's a case of it's a necessity. 3 weeks worth of work to do and an assignment due in a week on Tuesday.

[Suzi]

Have you thought of taking your work to your local library one day? You might find it easier without the interruptions? Then you wouldn't be under so much pressure each time an assignment is due in? I know I'd struggle to get things done with people to deal with, etc....