Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*

[Suzi]

It's an awesome post! I'd love to share it please lovely - named or anon?

[Jaquaia]

I really don't mind.

I have to admit that I'm a little overwhelmed by the reaction it's received already!

[Suzi]

(panda) You shouldn't be. You are amazing.

[Suzi]

I've scheduled it for 10 am on NY Day!

[Paula]

Ncredible post!

[Jaquaia]

I'm overwhelmed. I never expected it to receive the reaction it has. I've even had an old school friend message me! Wow! Just...wow!

[Suzi]

Why shouldn't it have had the response it has? It's an incredible post!

[Jaquaia]

Because I don't see myself as an inspiration and I don't see what I've done to warrant people being proud of me.

Oooh! I've lost about 4 and a half lbs!!! Total weight loss of 3st 2lbs from my heaviest

[Flo]

Oooh! Well done Jaq!..that's quite a hefty amount! Onwards and upwards for 2019!

[Jaquaia]

I'm still trying to figure out how I've lost weight over Christmas with all the crap I've eaten!

[Suzi]

Wow you've lost loads! Well done!!! Make sure you have the best NYE ever tonight X

[Jaquaia]

I'm noticing that my back hurts less now so I'm starting to see the benefit.

It will just be quiet. Leaving soon to meet J from work then I think we're just watching a film

[magie06]

Enjoy your night. Well done on your weight loss. I know how hard it is to loose anything at all.

[Paula]

That’s an amazing weight loss! Well done, hunni

[Angie]

Well done hunni and have a lovely night tonight xx

[Suzi]

Hope you're having a lovely time!

[Jaquaia]

If I'm honest, we were both fast asleep by 5 past 12! (giggle)

[Suzi]

Hope it was a lovely night for you though!

[Jaquaia]

It was peaceful. I feel like I'm home when I'm with him so it's always lovely. He did have to deal with tears this morning though, TOTM and I'm a bit emotional...

[Suzi]

Emotional is understandable....

[Jaquaia]

J made a point of pointing out just how far I've come last night. I went to Bridlington on my own in the dark on New Years Eve. I coped with being stuck on the train for half an hour with a load of drunks singing football songs. And then I found my way to the signal box in an area I've never been before, in the dark on my own. A few months ago I would have never been able to do that!

[Angie]

J is completely right hunni

[magie06]

You are amazing!!!

[Jaquaia]

I really don't see that. I haven't done anything that lots of other people haven't done.

[Paula]

And those people are amazing too. Just because others have had similar fights does not detract from all you have done

[Suzi]

You're awesome!

[OldMike]

J made a point of pointing out just how far I've come last night. I went to Bridlington on my own in the dark on New Years Eve. I coped with being stuck on the train for half an hour with a load of drunks singing football songs. And then I found my way to the signal box in an area I've never been before, in the dark on my own. A few months ago I would have never been able to do that!

Must admit being stuck on train with a load of football drunks would be a bit of a nightmare for me but you got through it which shows how awesome you are.

[Suzi]

How are you doing love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm doing ok

[Suzi]

You don't sound it......

[Jaquaia]

Just me being me!

[Suzi]

(panda)(panda)(panda)

[magie06]

How are things this evening?

[Paula]

Hi Hunni, you’re quiet again ....

[Jaquaia]

Trying to catch up with uni work except I'm starting to get a little overwhelmed at times. I'm probably pushing myself too hard but don't really have another choice right now.

[Suzi]

There's always a choice lovely. Can you not pace a bit more?

[Jaquaia]

Not really. I have another weeks worth of work to finish and a 1000 word essay to do by Tuesday. The chapter alone will take me a full day, maybe more. I'm already leaving the collaborative work until after the essay and I have a driving lesson on Monday. J is coming to see me tomorrow so he will make me rest for a few hours though.

It works out that I've gone through approximately half of a 160 sheet writing pad since the 27th...

[Paula]

You can still pace - even if it’s resting for 5 minutes every half hour

[Jaquaia]

I actually took a few breaks yesterday to go and get drinks!

[Suzi]

Paula's right, pacing is still important...

[Paula]

Paula's right...

Never gets old (giggle)

[Jaquaia]

(rofl)

J is coming to see me today so I will have to have a break!

[Suzi]

Good!

[magie06]

I hope you enjoyed your time with J. I'm so looking forward to your engagement announcement!!

[Jaquaia]

It will be a long time before that happens! I've only just started staying over!! (giggle) His parents seem to really like me though :)

[Strugglingmum]

Never gets old (giggle)

(rofl)(giggle)

[magie06]

It will be a long time before that happens! I've only just started staying over!! (giggle) His parents seem to really like me though :)

That's half the battle won so!! I'll hold my breath until it happens. (My funeral will be held in Tuam) (rofl)

[Suzi]

I love that you are now able to stay over and actually be a "proper couple..."

[Jaquaia]

That's half the battle won so!! I'll hold my breath until it happens. (My funeral will be held in Tuam) (rofl)

(rofl)(rofl)(rofl)


I love that you are now able to stay over and actually be a "proper couple..."

I think I'm driving him crazy at the moment as I keep checking he actually wants me to stay. I worry that when it's my suggestion, he's saying yes as he doesn't want to risk upsetting me by saying no.

Well anyway! I'm meeting him from work on Tuesday, we're ordering pizza for tea and going to the Railway Museum on Wednesday:)

[Suzi]

Sounds lovely if you like trains! :) Seriously, I'm pleased for you x

[Jaquaia]

I love museums! And J is partly responsible for the model railway exhibition there so it will be nice to see his work in action :)

[Suzi]

That's really cool! :)

[Paula]

That really is cool! Btw, you silly moo, he loves you, of course he wants you with him ! ;)

[Jaquaia]

Subtle! (giggle)

Only got a couple of hours worth of work to finish the week so you'll be pleased to know I'm taking a break and have settled down with a book for the rest of the night!

[magie06]

It's late! You should be resting now. I agree with the others - yes he really loves you! (inlove)

[Suzi]

How're you doin' Jaq?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Studying again. Should be able to start my assignment today though, only have a little bit of reading to finish week 10. Having a break for lunch and a drink though.

[Paula]

Good. Please take a few more breaks this afternoon ....

[Suzi]

How much have you had to drink?

[Jaquaia]

I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?

[OldMike]

I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?

Nope unless the book is titled "Drink are you getting enough" ;)

[Paula]

I keep interrupting studying with a chapter of my book. Does that count?

Ermmmm nope.

PACE

DRINK

[Jaquaia]

I like reading!!!! Reading is relaxing for me!!! So it is going to be how I break up my studying, no matter what anyone says.

And I am drinking

[Flo]

What a good girl!!!;)

[Suzi]

Glad you are drinking.
I say rock on with the reading. It'll take you somewhere away from where you are and allow you to have completely different experiences and adventures!
My concern isn't you reading to break up study, it's you not taking enough breaks and not allowing yourself time outside of study and that's about it...

[Jaquaia]

I took a break for lunch, an hour or so for tea and J surprised me and showed up after work as he needed hugs as he's had a tough day so another 3/4 of an hour there, plus 3/4 of an hour on the phone with him as he drove here, plus reading the odd chapter of my book so plenty of breaks.

[Paula]

I like reading!!!! Reading is relaxing for me!!! So it is going to be how I break up my studying, no matter what anyone says.

And I am drinking

Ah right, sorry I thought you meant more reading for study. Reading for leisure is definitely good :)

[Jaquaia]

Funnily enough, it is a book about a vampire psychologist but definitely not work ;)

[Suzi]

Morning love, how are you?

[Jaquaia]

Tired and headachey. Need to start my essay and got a driving lesson this afternoon. Have done most of the referencing task though so that's a decent chunk out of the way.

[Suzi]

If you are tired and headachy, maybe some more water?

[Jaquaia]

I have a bottle with me. Just about to start essay planning! 1000 words on the similarities and differences between 2 studies on the effect of media violence on children... wish me luck!!!

[Mira]

Good luck, and have fun. Take a few small breaks if you feel like it though.

[Jaquaia]

I've just stopped for lunch and have to stop for a driving lesson in just over an hour so plenty of breaks today!

[Paula]

Just a little note, having a drink with you is not the same as drinking it...... just saying ;)

[Jaquaia]

Anyone would think none of you trust me to actually drink!!! :o

[Paula]

As if???

[Jaquaia]

My head is pounding and I still need to start my essay and only have til 5 tomorrow as that's when I need to leave to go and meet J. Not confident!!!

[Mira]

Maybe break it into little pieces. And work away one piece at a time. Then its not so overwhelming?

[Suzi]

Have you had a drink recently?

[Jaquaia]

I have. Working through the studies first to make a list, then will try and crack on

[Suzi]

Morning gorgeous, how you doing? How much more of your assignment have you got to do?

[Jaquaia]

About 750 words. It all needs to be done amd handed in by 4 as I'm at J's tonight, though he's said that he really doesn't mind me working there if I need to. Completed parts 1 and 3 so I should be ok...

[Suzi]

How's it going love?

[Jaquaia]

Almost there!!!

[Suzi]

YAY! Hooray!!!

[Jaquaia]

SUBMITTED!!! (party)(party)(party)

[Suzi]

Woohoo!!!! That's brilliant!!!! Congratulations love!

[Jaquaia]

I have backache now from being sat hunched over my laptop all day but at least I don't have to lug it to J's with me. Just going to sort my stuff out and then rest until I need to leave.

[Paula]

(party)

[Jaquaia]

So I thought I would show you how lovely Paragon Station is (in Hull)

https://www.dropbox.com/s/mz9q5j5qlqkpt3z/20190108_174115.jpg?raw=1

[Mira]

How awesome that you finished it. And before going to J. Great job. Something to be proud of. Great picture. I love seeing these kinds of things.

[Suzi]

That station looks like Woking!
Hope you're having a wonderful time!!

[Paula]

Morning, lovely

[Jaquaia]

Morning. Sat waiting to see a doctor... apparently I have to have a yearly review because of the RA

[Suzi]

Makes sense... Hope it goes well love.

[Jaquaia]

She just asked questions, it could have been done over the phone really, but she is chasing up the OT for me. And I need to ring and check when my last eye test was as I have to have yearly tests on one of my meds

[Suzi]

How are you doing now? Got anything nice planned for the rest of the day/week?

[Jaquaia]

I'm back at the books. I've done some of the collaborative work this morning and starting this weeks chapter this afternoon. Trying to stay on top of things should relieve some of the stress.

[Suzi]

You don't think you're pushing it by not taking a day or two off?

[Jaquaia]

Probably but my head isn't in an amazing place at the moment so it helps to distract.

[Paula]

Is it not possible that not giving yourself time off could be contributing to your head not being in a good place? Can you not distract by reading your book?

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula, you can only concentrate heavily for a certain amount of time and I really don't want you to burn out lovely..

[Jaquaia]

I'm pacing more now. I only looked at the first section of the chapter, admittedly because I fell asleep... which is another sign that I'm starting to struggle.

I did some cross stitch yesterday, have done some reading today. I've even made an appointment with the optician next month. It's good that I rang and checked while I remembered as they still had me down for 2 yearly sight tests

[Suzi]

I'm glad you are pacing a bit more....

[Jaquaia]

I'm sensing a but...

[Suzi]

but, I wonder if you are pacing enough and being kind enough to yourself...

[Jaquaia]

Ha! I was right!!! (giggle)

Probably not. I just feel lazy when I do nothing though.

[Paula]

You are very far from lazy, I promise you.

[Suzi]

You are very far from lazy!!!

[Jaquaia]

Give me strength!!! Mentioned that I've booked my eye test for next month to my mum and that they still had me down for 2 yearly eye tests. She wanted to know how come I got an appointment then and said that the doctor had told her that she needed yearly eye tests. Had to explain again that the GP was wrong and she should go with what her consultant told her. I explained that a GP has some training in all areas whereas a consultant focuses on one area. I even pulled up the NRAS website and went through the list which clearly says that only the DMARD I'm on needs yearly eye tests, "I'm only going on what the doctor said" FFS mother!!! It's not a competition!!! I pointed out that the first thing the registrar told me when starring me on hydroxychloroquine is that I would need yearly eye tests as it has the potential to affect my eyesight, and if her drug did the same they would have told her when they started her on it as they're the experts and know these things. I also pointed out that the list on the NRAS website was created by a Professor of Rheumatology and a specialist rheumatology nurse but still don't think she's convinced...

[Suzi]

I hate that, when other people try to make it into a competition about how much they hurt, or what their diagnoses are, or what/dose medication they are on.... Hope that you've managed to calm down - I'd have been so peed off!!

[Jaquaia]

I'm struggling a bit anyway so that didn't help, especially as I explained this weeks ago. Even the nurse who did our bloodtests has said a few times that I know what I'm talking about as it's me who explained CRP to my mum in front of her.

I'm just irritable and have the energy levels of a dead battery today. I've done nothing but may try and cross stitch for a bit. Even J has told me that I need to rest and I don't have the energy levels to argue with you all today so I'm doing as I'm told

[Suzi]

Good! I'm glad you're doing as you are told and resting....

[Mira]

Well doing what your being told is not always a bad idea. Especially if its the wonderful people here and ofcourse J. All people who put your welbeing at number 1.

I hope you can rest and enjoy it a little bit.

[Jaquaia]

I've been drawing, my sister bought me a how to draw fairies book at Christmas and J bought me art stuff for my birthday and Christmas so I've started putting them to use.

[Allalone]

Sounds like you’ve had a lovely afternoon.

[Paula]

Sounds exactly what you need today :)

[Suzi]

That's really good!

[Jaquaia]

It was relaxing. I'll post a photo if I finish it

[Suzi]

I'd love to see!

How are you doing lovely?

[Flo]

How are you feeling today love? The cross stitch sounds good. I love fairies. My best friend always sends fairy cards, presents, ornaments and book marks etc., my bedroom is a regular fairyland! Re the eyes. When I last went to the hospital for my glaucoma check, I was called into three separate clinicians within about ten minutes of each other. Why I don't know! But I was out of the hospital within about three quarters of an hour! It almost started a riot in the waiting area! "Why is it that the woman over there is being seen so quickly? I've been here an hour!!!"...."Yes", said another woman, "So have I!!" ....They must have thought I was deaf!! Anyway, I just grinned and said a polite goodbye!

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok I think, just really tired.

Flo, I have loads of fairy stuff!!! Figurines mainly and pictures, books too. Always loved fairies

[Suzi]

Are you going to be kind to yourself this weekend? Resting and pacing?

[Jaquaia]

I do need to try and do some studying but going to break it up a lot more and do other things too

[Suzi]

Ok... How's it going?

[Jaquaia]

I can't settle to anything today but charging my wii remote so I can play lego Harry Potter later. Or something. Just really restless.

[Suzi]

Many hugs gorgeous... Hope you're able to settle now...

[Paula]

It may be that you’ll actually get more studying done by resting first, than you will by pushing through the exhaustion itms

[Jaquaia]

Played a little wii, Dad did French toast for tea, not had it in years! He used to make it all the time for us when we were little and he was home from work. Done the shopping. Now settled down watching the dvd J bought me for Christmas, The Bluetones, Live at Shepherds Bush. I think he knows me better than anyone (inlove)

[Suzi]

How are you this morning love?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Tired. Going to get a shower and then do a little studying.

[Suzi]

Well done lovely!

[Suzi]

Should I be worried? You aren't chatty and you said you can't be bothered to drink.....

[Allalone]

Just thought I’d leave you this.(panda)xx

[Suzi]

Jaq? Talk to us?

[Allalone]

Morning Jaq.

How are you this morning?

[Paula]

Hey, lovely. What’s up?

[Jaquaia]

I think it was just one of those days yesterday. My mood has been a bit flat for a few days. I can tell as I'm struggling to focus enough to read. I just settled down and started watching Sherlock.

[Paula]

Anything particularly that’s affecting you that you want to talk over?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Anything and everything at the moment I think.

[Paula]

You’re dealing with a lot at the moment, it’s not surprising it’s having an impact on your mood

[Suzi]

I think that you're very much expected to deal with everything that's going on. I think you're awesome to be able to deal with it all....

[Jaquaia]

I don't see that I am dealing with a lot really.

[Suzi]

Really? Maybe if I listed just some of the stuff as I see it you might see it differently?

~ Several Chronic illnesses
~ Dealing with your dad's drinking
~ Dealing with your Mum's hospital appointments
~ Dealing with your Mum's medication
~ Weight loss
~ Degree
~ Issues from the past with your ex
~ You can't be with the man you love as you want
~ Issues with your sister
~ Not having any space which is yours and private and away from everything

Just as a starting point and without thinking much....

[Jaquaia]

When you put it like that...

[Suzi]

See? Maybe you aren't giving yourself enough credit?

[Jaquaia]

Ok, so going from your list... I always get paranoid about my hair when I have it cut. I dread being told that it's thinned even more. It really affects my self-esteem. Not to mention that being unable to have children is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I'm fed up of never knowing what my mood is going to be like. As daft as it sounds, I'm disappointed in myself when my mood dips as I'm on new meds that have made a huge difference, I have coping strategies, I have J, what is wrong with me? And then I get annoyed with myself because I know that recovery isn't a straight line and I know because I've been ill for such a long time it's likely to be more a case of making things manageable but as usual, I'm my own worst critic. And the thought that I may end up not being able to use my hands properly is scary. And my gp has chased up the rheumatology OT so will have those appointments coming up.

He has days where he hardly touches drink but then days where he can go through a full 12 bottles.

I have pain management with her next week, I get out of going to her infusions with her as she doesn't want me sat in the hospital for 6 hours.

Her meds have been a nightmare, plus had to talk to her today about skipping meds and what the implications are. She tried to deny it but I do her meds, I know how long they last!

Not much to deal with there, I'm not doing a huge deal really.

A week behind again. Hoping I can get the online stuff done tomorrow, or most of it anyway.

Oh! Had another bill. I'm now paying around £135 a month because of him, plus stoppages on my income support because I got landed with the rest of the council tax bill.

I'm worrying that he's going to be too scared of her reaction to go public about us. He promises me that we'll get there, he's adamant that he's going to Manchester with me, so all I can do it try not to overthink things and see how it goes. That been said, they're all at the panto on Friday as his parents always pay for them to go together and she asked if she was still invited. He told her not if she was going to start arguments like last time, so that's progress! His parents don't really want her to go but they're doing it for the children. And he's popping tonight when he finishes work and taking me out on Friday, probably museums and lunch. And Tuesday we're either doing the Railway Museum or Whitby, I'm staying over then we're doing museums or the art gallery on Wednesday. It's nice to be able to do proper coupley things together. (inlove)

Even my mum and dad are getting fed up of her so it's not just me!

Still have my mum coming up a lot. Had her interrupt Dherlock twice last night. And lets just say, she's almost interrupted things a few times...


Edit: ok, that's a lot considering I keep saying I'm ok....

[Suzi]

It is a lot - and each of those has it's own subheadings too... Maybe you're being too hard on yourself?
As to the hair loss - you know Marc has Alopecia Universalis? There's a really, really lovely group on FB where suggestions can be made as to how to cover lost bits or so forth, if you wanted to join let me know and I'll add you. Really, I've never seen anything horrible posted in there!

[Jaquaia]

I'll think about it. Thank you.

[Allalone]

Jaq you do have a lot going on and how you're managing that is bloody amazing! You will have days when you are down and it’s going to be tough to deal with but we are all here to help you out. Take care.xx

[magie06]

Jaq, you are amazing. January is a long, cold, dark and arduous month. Lack of sunlight can affect the levels of vit D in your system. Vit D is also know as the happy vit. Maybe see about taking a supplement from your chemist, just for the winter months.

[Suzi]

How are you this morning?

[Jaquaia]

Tired. Talia has woken me up a few times.

[Paula]

Is she ok? Are you going to rest?

[Jaquaia]

She does it a lot, settles straight back down when she's wrapped back up, so think she's cold.

[Suzi]

Aww! That's so cute - but annoying!

Are you resting today?

[Jaquaia]

I was going to do some uni work but none of the audio or video files that I need will play! Which is irritating me so have stopped for lunch.

[Suzi]

Have you got them to work now?

[Jaquaia]

Nope. It's doing my head in

[Paula]

Then leave it, you can’t fix it today. There’s probably something wrong that they’ve got to fix their end anyway

[Jaquaia]

I've just left it to do updates that needed doing. Will put it away when I go back up. Ended up cooking mine and my mums tea, sweet chilli basa, new potatoes and veg. I can't remember the last time I ate so much greenery!!!!

[Suzi]

Hope you're pacing tonight love...

[Jaquaia]

I'm watching Sherlock and eating kendal mint cake. My laptop is working again but sod it. I'll either do it over the weekend or tomorrow depending on what time I get back from town with J

[Suzi]

I'm just introducing Ben to Sherlock! lol

[Jaquaia]

My brothers been telling me to watch it for years

[Allalone]

Sherlock is brilliant! My middle one loves it, we’ve watched them together.

[Jaquaia]

I love Benedict Cumberbatch. He's brilliant in Cabin Pressure

[Allalone]

He is called Benedict Cucumberpatch in my house!(rofl)
I haven’t seen Cabin Pressure.

[Jaquaia]

It's a Radio 4 comedy written by John Finnemore. It's brilliant!

[Jaquaia]

Starting to struggle a bit now. My dad has been drinking again, no idea how much, but he's being a bit of an arse. My mum is irritating the hell out of me and J is at the theatre tonight with his parents, the children and Cruella for the panto. I know I have nothing to worrt about and I know he loves me and I also know that his parents didn't really want her to go, but my head isn't being logical. It's still a family night out. Right now it feels like I'll never be a part of that.

[Suzi]

Oh hunni, I'm not surprised you are finding it tough, but know that this is only a temporary situation....

[Jaquaia]

I know you're right. I hope so anyway.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart I know that it'll happen. Sounds like he's beginning to stand up to her a bit more too - which can only be a good thing... It also sounds like his parents are against her too. Again a positive change.
Have faith lovely....

[Jaquaia]

His dad didn't even want her in his car when J was borrowing it before Christmas. His mum told me that herself.

I just worry that he's going to be too scared to tell her about me. Though he is pushing for a deed of separation now as he doesn't trust her...

[Suzi]

Hunni, right now you need to focus on the good things....

[Jaquaia]

I know. Today was lovely. It's not often I get to just wander around enjoying what Hull has to offer. Tuesday I'm meeting him early in Beverley and we're spending the day in either Whitby or York depending on the weather, then pizza and a film. I know that I should focus on the fact that we're now able to spend proper quality time together. I just struggle not to overthink things and them doing things as a family makes it so much harder.

[Flo]

Sounds like he's just trying to keep an even keel. He's just not a nasty person is he? And that's one of the reasons you love him. He's trying to do right by everyone which is difficult. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful day on Tuesday so enjoy every minute of it. You'll have him all to yourself one day. But it was only a little while ago that both of you had to be content with the odd hour at yours and a few phone calls. You've come a long way since then and it can only get better.

[Jaquaia]

I could do with learning how to turn my head off. I'm always overthinking things

[Paula]

That’s what we’re here for ;)

[Jaquaia]

I always worry I'm going to annoy you by going over the same things all the time. And yes, I know what I would tell someone else, I embrace hypocrisy!

[Paula]

(rofl)

[Suzi]

You could never annoy us ;)

[Jaquaia]

Moriarty is bat(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) crazy!!!

[Suzi]

Why yes, he is....

[Paula]

Yep, did you not know that?? ;)

[Jaquaia]

Not a clue!!!! Only got to his episode today!

[Suzi]

Have you not read Holmes?

[Jaquaia]

I read one when I was about 9 or 10. That's it. And it didn't involve Moriarty.

[Suzi]

Ahh! Moriarty is awesome!

[Jaquaia]

Sometimes I surprise myself with just how accepting I am. I've just found out that my cousins oldest child is trans and I haven't even blinked. I even corrected myself on the proper pronoun.

[Suzi]

You're awesome.

My Hazel identifies as "arrow ace" so she thinks she is an asexual aromantic. For Christmas we got her a grey tshirt with a rainbow and "so over it" on it, yesterday we were in Poundland and they had a similar bag and a "Choose Love" rainbow bag. So I bought them - the choose love bag for me and her the rainbow bag. This year is the first ever Surrey Pride and I'm taking her, Fern, and a couple of their friends! :)
I love that you don't bat an eyelid!

[Jaquaia]

I didn't even blink when my cousin came out. She was still Sarah, it didn't matter who she loved as long as they were good for her.

I think it surprises me as my parents have very different views and they're views I heard a lot. My mum told me when she got off the phone to my cousin that R had changed her name and told me what to and it took me a second before it clicked and I asked if they were having the op. My mum keeps calling him R and seemed surprised when I automatically changed to using their chosen name and calling them he/him.

[Suzi]

I think it's awesome you are being so supportive!

[Jaquaia]

Ooops. Got so angry about my sister getting away with talking to my mum like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear), went on a right rant and ended up blurting out that everything that went on before with the argument and her miscarriage and how she treated me in general that I've just blurted out to my mum that it got me to the stage where I was suicidal to the stage I'd planned how to do it...

[Suzi]

How did she react? You OK?

[Jaquaia]

She was shocked, surprised and a little upset. I'm ok, just didn't sleep amazingly well

[Suzi]

not surprised. How do you feel about telling her?

[Jaquaia]

I don't know. Part of me feels guilty for dropping that on her.

[Suzi]

She's your mum. No matter how hard it is to hear, she'll be glad that you told her and weren't trying to hide secrets...

[Flo]

I've got to agree with suzi there Jaq. Sometimes it's necessary for mums to hear these things, as hard as it may be. Don't feel guilty, it needed to be said, and it's good that she knows.

[Jaquaia]

Driving lesson was horrendous and I spent a large part of it either holding back tears or with tears streaming down my face. I keep getting told that I need to enjoy my lessons but I'm really not, I dread them and I'm already thinking of when I need to cancel next weeks by so it doesn't cost me. .

[Strugglingmum]

ok. I'm going to tell you something that I say to my daughter

I never want you to have to stick at something that is really making you miserable and causing you so much stress that you are feeling ill.

However, I want you to know that you CAN do it.

I don't want your life to be limited by your fears and anxieties because your fears and anxiety about it are 100times worse than the reality.
You were so excited at the thought of learning and the independence it would bring you.
I know driving is stressful and I would hate to be learning again but unless you can relax a little so that your head can process what you are learning it is going to be difficult to get to the stage of enjoying it.
I'm sure you have tried different ways of relaxing or meditating before your lessons and I probably have no new suggestions but try to keep the end goal in sight.

Believe in yourself. Easier said than done but you need to to give you the confidence to enjoy and seek that independence.
Tell yourself...… its only pedals and a wheel. I can do this.

[Suzi]

Can I be blunt? Your teacher isn't right for you.

At no point should you ever be dreading the lesson. Cancel and find another one. I am so sad that doing something that I love is bringing you so much pain, fear and upset. It should never, ever be like that...

[Jaquaia]

I'm struggling with stopping and starting. I've talked it through with J and he's pointed out that my instructor is actually quite negative. I've been getting told for weeks that if I do A then I will fail my test and if I do B then I will fail my test and if I do C I will fail my test... you get the idea! I've only had 6 lessons!!! I try so hard to not do what she's told me will be a fail then I forget about other things. There is a main road, it's actually the main A road into the east of the city, that she wanted me to try today and after a few cock ups with stalling when setting off, I told her that I really didn't feel comfortable with doing that road. When I pulled up at home at the end of my lesson I got told that next lesson I have no choice, I'm doing that road whether I like it or not. I was in tears half way through my lesson, I was in tears at the end of my lesson. She knows a lot of my anxiety with stopping and starting is because I've had years of being sat in the back of my mums car listening to my dad getting aggressive and abusive towards other drivers who are slow or stalled, I'm convinced everyone is like that and knowing there are people behind me panics me more as I'm imagining them doing that, and she knows all this as I've explained it all to her. I spent almost an hour on the phone with J, mostly in tears, and I can feel myself getting upset about it now.

[Suzi]

I wish I could hug you!!!!!!!

Please, please, please think about changing instructors she sounds like a bi*ch. You deserve better. I highly recommend BSM - I learnt with them and the instructor Ben has now is absolutely lovely. Do you want me to try to see if she knows anyone up near you? Or you could call them and tell them that you're nervous and they will give you someone who is kind, patient and lovely.

[Allalone]

(panda)

[Paula]

((Hugs)) hunni, you ok?

[Suzi]

Jaq, I'm worried about you....

[Jaquaia]

Sorry. No need to be worried. I left the house before 8 this morning to go and meet J. We're spending the day at thr Railway Museum then just snuggling up with pizza and Luther tonight. I'll be ok, I always am with him :)

[Allalone]

Hope you enjoy your day.xx

[OldMike]

Jaq 'njoy your day out.

[Suzi]

Hope you've been having a great day!

[magie06]

You are quite. Are you okay?

[Allalone]

Hope all is ok with you.(panda)

[Suzi]

Jaq????

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Was out all day with J yesterday, then cooked tea, went to the doctors with my mum and ended up just settling down to watch an episode of Sherlock and Miranda.

[Suzi]

Fair enough, just checking....

Meds? Drink? Food?

[Jaquaia]

All done but need to go get another drink really

[magie06]

Hi lovely, how are things?

[Suzi]

How are you Jaq?

[Jaquaia]

I'm ok. Just watching Sherlock

[magie06]

I hope you're enjoying you mini series.

[Suzi]

You sound distant...

[Jaquaia]

I know. Sorry. Just feeling a bit... meh... Struggling to read, struggling to study, struggling to stay focused on much really.

[Suzi]

You don't need to apologise, I genuinely care and want to make sure you're OK... As a friend, nothing more....

[Suzi]

You're still not talking. I'm really worried. Please tell me what's going on....

[Jaquaia]

I'm not even sure. Just feel really flat and struggling to focus much on anything. The only time I feel anything like myself is when I'm with J as I can drop all pretence.

[Paula]

Why do you feel you need to pretend with us?

[Jaquaia]

I think here it's more that I don't know what to say so I don't say anything

[Suzi]

OK.... When do you see J next?
What did you decide about your driving?

[Jaquaia]

I've talked it through with J and my brother. They both think it's a very negative way of teaching, especially considering that I've explained about my anxiety. J's friend has recommended an instructor and I've seen another that has good reviews too so going to look into it further

[Suzi]

I'm really, really pleased that you're making that decision.

[Allalone]

That’s great, Jaq. You definitely need to look at another instructor.

[Jaquaia]

I'm hating lessons. And despite saying that she won't force me to do anything I'm not comfortable with, she's making me do something I'm not comfortable with. Yet I feel bad for looking at other instructors

[Paula]

No need to feel bad, you’re paying for this so it has to be what’s right for you. Katie had 3 instructors in the end

[Jaquaia]

I've got a message typed up but struggling to send it...

[Paula]

Do you want to put it up here first? Has J seen it?

[Jaquaia]

He thinks I should send it

"Hi, I'm looking for another instructor and have been recommended Bob by a friend. I started lessons with another instructor at the beginning of December, tomorrow will be my 7th, and to be honest, I'm dreading it and haven't looked forward to lessons for weeks. I'm a very nervous person and have severe depression and anxiety. My current instructor is aware of this but I don't think they're taking this into account. It's taking me a while to pick things up and I'm frequently being told that I'll fail my test for certain things yet I'm struggling to fully get to grips with the basics, stopping and starting is an issue for me at the moment and their teaching style has my confidence at zero and it's causing my anxiety, which has been managed since summer, to become an issue again. I'm wondering if it would be possible to start lessons with you?"

[Suzi]

Send it.

Are you going on the lesson tomorrow?

[Paula]

Definitely send it

[Jaquaia]

I am doing my lesson today but going to tell her I'm going to stop lessons as my head isn't good at the moment. Something I realised while I was in the shower is the trust is gone. She told me that she would never make me do something I'm not comfortable with yet she's making me take a major road when I'm not comfortable with basic stopping and starting in traffic...

[Suzi]

Completely agree that's the right decision. I don't think she's right for you at all. I'm pleased you are doing the right thing FOR YOU. I don't think you've done that before....

[Jaquaia]

It's having a detrimental effect on my memtal health. I have come too far over the last year to let her undo all my hard work.

Also, fangirling a bit today. Jacqui Abbott of Beautiful South fame (yes, THE Jacqui Abbott!!!!) has replied to me on twitter!!!(party)

[Suzi]

OMG No way!!!!! I adore Beautiful South!!!
Hey, I didn't know you were on twitter.............

You're right. You have come far too far!

[Jaquaia]

I've been on twitter for ages just only started using it though. Couldn't remember my log in, I mean I use jaquaia for everything so what else could it be? So tried to change my password thinking that was the issue...

My log in is not jaquaia... sorry mysterious person! I wasn't trying to hack you! Honest!!! (giggle)

I'm starting to believe it maybe isn't me overreacting about this. J made a point of telling me that I'm not the issue here and the guy I've messaged has apologised for me having such a rubbish start to my driving career.

[Suzi]

See, it isn't you - none of us thought it was either....

[Jaquaia]

You know what I'm like, I've been told often enough that things are my fault that I automatically assume that must be true.

Suzi, check this out! It's so awesome!!!
Check out @jamajestical’s Tweet: https://twitter.com/jamajestical/status/1088551745100435456?s=09

[Jaquaia]

Back from my lesson already and I've quit. She's got her head up her arse and pretty much sped off after dropping me off.

[Paula]

Don’t let her attitude ruin your evening, lovely, it just emphasises you’ve made the right decision ....