View Full Version : Me, part 673 *TRIGGERS*
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Had noticed the same thing....
Should I/we be worried?
Jaquaia
06-12-18, 08:39 PM
Just having one of them days. Struggling with my anxiety, struggled to do much work, struggled being around my parents so retreated to watch Dr Who and eaten too much chocolate!
Strugglingmum
06-12-18, 08:49 PM
(panda)
Jaquaia
06-12-18, 08:55 PM
And now netflix has died in the middle of an episode of Dr Who that I haven't seen ;(
Allalone
06-12-18, 09:17 PM
Have you not got a sonic screwdriver to fix it?!(giggle)
(panda)
Jaquaia
06-12-18, 09:30 PM
(giggle)
All better now! Had to reset everything
Morning gorgeous, hope today is less anxious and brighter for you. Do you have any plans for today or the weekend?
Jaquaia
07-12-18, 09:50 AM
It's ok so far. Managed to shower and already eaten and medicated. Even managed quarter of a bottle of water! Just feeling flat and empty...
Plans are mainly studying! I have an essay due the 8th Jan and I'm about 4 weeks behind so need to catch up. J thinks Cruella is having the children Sunday and if she is we're spending the evening together:)
When is he having them?
Well done on the drinking! That's awesome.
Will you pace if you're feeling flat?
Jaquaia
07-12-18, 10:14 AM
Tonight, as she's got a show, and tomorrow night. He's training on opening the box on Monday so starts work before 6am. And we're doing something Tuesday evening too.
I will try
It's lovely that you're getting to spend more time with him.
Thank you for trying. Have you had another drink yet?
Jaquaia
07-12-18, 11:24 AM
I haven't. That's my next job
Jaquaia
07-12-18, 08:49 PM
It's going ok I suppose. Finally finished my chapter so can start with the website based stuff and done the social thing with my brother
Sounds like you're working hard, but also taking breaks... Impressive!
So, how are you this morning? Drink? Meds? Food?
Jaquaia
08-12-18, 11:49 AM
I'm tired and headachey, slightly on edge and irritable. I should really study but don't think I could focus today.
Can you do something different to distract?
Jaquaia
08-12-18, 11:56 AM
Thinking knitting but keep getting a sharp shooting pain through my wrist.
In other news, J asked me to go sofa shopping with him in the new year. He said he's hoping I'll be spending a lot of time there and he wants me to be comfortable. Of course, I was a total girl about it...
Yay for sofa shopping!
How's your day been?
Jaquaia
08-12-18, 08:29 PM
I've just binge watched Dr Who all day. Not felt up to doing anything else, can't shift this headache
I've a cracking one too. I even went for a lie down earlier and slept for an hour... Planning on going back to bed soon x
Jaquaia
08-12-18, 09:56 PM
I've even taken paracetamol and been drinking so I'm less dehydrated than normal. It's all around my left eye at the moment
Did you get any sleep? Has it lifted at all?
Jaquaia
09-12-18, 10:11 AM
I slept but Talia is a knobhead, she woke me up at 3am...
It's lifted a bit but my head still feels tight itms?
Possibly a stress headache? Is it usual for Talia to do this?
Jaquaia
09-12-18, 12:46 PM
She never used to but since it's been getting colder she's done it a few times. I think some nights when I let her out for a wee, she's being a dick and not actually going! Other nights it's because she's got out from under her blanket and is cold. I'd just started dozing off after letting her out when she was walking around the room again crying as she wanted wrapping up again.
I think I may have a sinus infection as it's all around my eyes again and my nose feels awful.
Try olbus oil and steam...
It was 4am in my house with Crash. It's the sodding foxes in the empty house and garden opposite.
Are you drinking? Eating? Taking your meds?
Jaquaia
09-12-18, 01:34 PM
All done. I was going to do some studying today but I don't think this pain behind my eye will let me do much really
Well done for listening to your body
Jaquaia
09-12-18, 03:33 PM
It had to happen at some point (giggle)
About time!
Hope it's shifted!
Jaquaia
09-12-18, 10:03 PM
Pretty much. Mood is much better too, spent the entire evening with J.
How are you today lovely?
Drink?
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 10:51 AM
Stupid dog!!!! Half 4 this morning! Ended up talking to J as he drove to work. Alarm went off at 8 but fell back to sleep so woke up at 10 with just enough time to get ready for my appointment...
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 12:33 PM
Appointment was at 10 past 11, got in at 2 minutes to 12.
What meds are you on? - told her
How long are you stiff for in a morning - actually still a bit stiff now
Make a fist, straighten it. Does that hurt? Raise your arms. -
Not painful, more of a dull, throbbing ache
Everything is fine, see you in 8 months... outside the front of the hospital by 3 minutes past 12!
Taken about half my tablets, the important ones anyway, and grabbed a bag of monster munch amd a bottle of oasis at the hospital. Might as well have stayed at home!
Driving lesson this afternoon...
Ah nope, no matter how short the appointment was, it shows you’re engaging with your medical team. That’s vital in itself.
Good luck with your driving lesson :)
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 02:22 PM
I'll need it. I can remember hardly anything that she said about the clutch!!!
Hope you've had fun driving!
Well done on getting through the appointment.
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 04:02 PM
I forgot to take my propranolol. Heart is racing now, shaking and just argh!!!! Right now I'm not liking it at all. It probably wasn't as bad as I think, she told me well done quite a few times, but I'm getting confused with my feet, she keeps telling me that I'm not going fast enough and she wants me doing 30 next week. Roundabouts next week too. I'm oversteering or not steering enough, I'm flapping over gear changes and not being gentle enough, she's panicking me slightly over how slow I am at junctions and I could happily sit and cry. I'm really not enjoying it at the moment
I promise you that you’re doing what every other learner does on their second lesson and it will get easier. Your brain will put it all together far sooner than you think. Have faith
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 05:59 PM
That's what J said. I think he could tell I was upset over it as he rang me. I feel a lot calmer for talking to him, I just feel a bit pressured and rushed. He's going to look at getting me on his insurance in February so he can take me out to practise. I will admit that I was about ready to quit today...
Was the instructor pressuring you or were you doing it to yourself?
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 08:13 PM
Probably a combination of both. I personally aren't convonced that I'm ready to tackle roundabouts, my road positioning is awful and my clutch control is an issue
But they’re the expert - and was recommended to you so hopefully is a decent instructor. They will have done this before
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 08:20 PM
I think a lot of it comes down to me expecting too much of myself
Do you trust her?
Editing to add:
I've just talked this over with Ben who has had 2 lessons.
For comparison he has done:
Moving away
Normal driving position
Parked position
with reference positions for both
Should be 1m away from curb
Left hand turn, which he f*cked up "tragically murdering the curb and nearly ruining the alloys"
turning in the road no faster than 2mph
Premoving checks - doors, seat, stearing, seatbelt mirrors.
Sweetheart if you think she'd pushing you too far too fast then change. I can't recommend our BSM instructor highly enough - I can get you a local recommendation of someone with them for you from Ben's instructor? I told her B had aspies and she said it didn't make any difference because she'll take things as slowly or as fast as he's ready for.
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 08:43 PM
I think so. I need a lot of patience really and I'm wondering if she'll have enough patience to stick with me before she decides I'm not progressing
Do you want me to see if Claire knows of your local team? BTW, Claire is an ex ambulance driver so perfect under stressful situations. Ben feels safe, she's lovely and I learnt to drive with BSM and Jim was an awesome instructor!
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 09:10 PM
I've pretty much done the same as Ben. Maybe I'm just not ready, maybe my anxiety isn't as under control as I thought.
Maybe you think you should be further forward than you are?
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 09:13 PM
That's probably a huge part of it
Then maybe you need to remember that it is only your second lesson! You wouldn't expect to play a piano concerto when you've only had 2 lessons would you? It's practise... and patience...
Jaquaia
10-12-18, 09:44 PM
I think I always expect too much of myself, I don't know how to change that
You need to believe that you will get there, it just might not come instantaneously..
If the gears thing is something you don't get then you can always change to an automatic like my bil did...
How are you today lovely?
Jaquaia
11-12-18, 09:11 AM
Tired. Woke up with a headache. Found a video on youtube on clutch control though!!! Kind of helping as I can see what he's doing with his feet!
How's your day been? Drinking at all?
Jaquaia
11-12-18, 05:21 PM
I've got a decent chunk of studying done. Had some pure orange this morning and a bottle of coke during the day. J is coming round tonight and we're watching a film so he will take over nagging duties ;) he even made me send him a photo of my orange this morning!!! Don't think he trusts me to drink of my own accord (think) struggling today as I think I've slept funny as my neck hurts.
Lol, the more I hear of J the more I like him ;)
Jaquaia
11-12-18, 06:15 PM
It's like he channels Suzi!!! I spoke to him as he drove to work, he asked if I'd had a drink yet and then gave me a list!!! "When we get off the phone you're going to get a shower, a drink and breakfast aren't you. That's not really a question by the way..." or words to that effect...
Jaquaia
13-12-18, 10:59 AM
Ffs!!! The doctors have done the same with my mums meds!!!! Dropped her from 100mg to 80mg...
Oh ffs! Have you sorted it?
Jaquaia
13-12-18, 05:06 PM
The receptionist is supposed to be passing it on to the doctor. If she doesn't hear back tonight I will ring back tomorrow.
It shouldn't be this hard surely?
Jaquaia
13-12-18, 06:12 PM
It shouldn't be. And now my dad is (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed as he's been drinking all day, has had a right go at my mum over a pair of slippers, slammed round the kitchen like a toddler in a strop over god only knows what, and is constantly repeating himself. I'm struggling to deal with him today!
Isn't his scan coming up?
Jaquaia
13-12-18, 10:13 PM
He ended up seeing the consultant who is sending him for a scan. He's put him on some tablets which he's starting tomorrow. Feeling calmer now as spent the evening with J
Glad that they have given him something to hopefully help.
How are you this morning?
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 08:12 AM
Tired. It's been a difficult week.
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 09:17 AM
Studying today. I'm 5 weeks behind. But I will try and take regular breaks
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 10:43 AM
Same fiasco with my mums meds today too, except this time the GP has said it's right. How can they insist she drops an opioid medication by 40mg a day when she's said how hard she's finding it reducing by 20mg???
Edit: the doctor rang me, turns out he had looked at the day the 2 tablets were issued, and hadn't seen the second prescription issued for the 10mg. He admitted straightaway that I was right and apologised and is sorting her out another prescription. He's also adding a note that only 1 or 2 people are too look after her withdrawal
That goodness that’s sorted....please try to relax a bit now
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 11:45 AM
I can try but I'm very conscious of how far behind I am.
You will get caught up, you just need to take it page by page...
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 02:48 PM
I think I'm going to give it up as a bad job today. Dad has asked me to cook tea, he must be in pain to ask me! So going to go get that started, grab another drink, and then just do some wrapping and finish my book.
Hmmm, almost pacing but can you focus more on finishing the book rather than wrapping?
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 06:32 PM
No wrapping, not even opened my book yet! Sister wants me to find her some photos of our grandparents before Christmas but my parents have no idea where the photos are! Getting irritated that she can't ask herself or come and look herself but can't really say anything with how she is...
Hope you've managed at least some pacing lovely...
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 07:25 PM
Tonight will be me and the Doctor and the tree chocolates that my mum bought to go on a 3ft tree thats near both the fire and the dogs bed.... don't think her head was working properly that day but I benefit so yay! (giggle)
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 07:42 PM
Oh!!!! And realised today that I'm 1lb off a total 3st loss from my heaviest!!!!
(party) awesome! You’re amazing and an inspiration to me :)
Jaquaia
14-12-18, 09:54 PM
I certainly don't see myself as an inspiration
Well you are. So there :P
Jaquaia
15-12-18, 09:31 AM
I think that is me told! (giggle)
Hey, lovely, you’ve gone quiet on us ....
Jaquaia
16-12-18, 08:06 PM
It's been a tough week and I've done my usual trick of retreating...
I’d noticed ...... are you taking it easy tomorrow?
Jaquaia
16-12-18, 08:33 PM
Popping out for a bit of shopping then studying. Need to start catching up, and a driving lesson in the afternoon. Then Tuesday I'm going up to Bridlington to meet J from work as we're seeing Travis Tuesday night and he's taking me to the Railway Museum on Wednesday. Then Sarah is on about coming up on Thursday. Then more studying.... I can rest at Christmas though I'm worried about J
Jaquaia
16-12-18, 08:41 PM
I'll put it all in my other thread when I get a moment.
How are you this morning lovely?
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 10:31 AM
Ok. Tired and a bit irritable.... want a dog???
Erm I have 2 already... Not sure I fancy another....
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 11:46 AM
She loves cuddles? Sleeps all day? Cries when she misses you?
Oh go on then, you deliver and we'll take her ;)
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 12:30 PM
Did I mention the early morning wake up calls because she's got out from under her blanket and wants wrapping up again? Half past 6 this morning...
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 03:42 PM
I drove home!!!!! And my gear changes were much better!!! And I only stalled a handful of times!!!! And misjudged stopping on one roundabout!!!! But I asked her if we could pull over after the roundabout and go through stopping again! So yay!!!!! Not come home feeling like quitting!!! (party)(party)(party)
Trust me Jaq, after a few more weeks everything will become second nature and stalling will become a thing of the past. Don't even think of quitting. Driving is everyone's ticket to freedom!
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 07:06 PM
Oh and I only swore once!!!!
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 07:43 PM
Oh and it's Travis tomorrow!!!!!! (party)
Allalone
17-12-18, 08:40 PM
Well done Jaq!
Enjoy Travis tomorrow!xx
So far, then, a more positive week than last? I’m so proud of you pushing through (Kiss)
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 08:53 PM
So far! Already packed my bag for J's tomorrow, just need to sling in my deodorant and shampoo tomorrow! (Spare shower gel and toothbrush before anyone says anything ;)) Even put in my textbook as I have 45 minutes on the train to Bridlington and an hour and a bit until he finishes work so chance to get some work done. I have the tickets in my purse. I shall grab my meds when I go downstairs... I'm actually organised!!!! And still really proud that I drove home!!!!
So proud of you! Can you make sure you drink too please!
Have a flipping brilliant time!
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 10:12 PM
I can't wait! They're touring "The Man Who", it's one of the first albums I ever owned!
Allalone
17-12-18, 10:12 PM
And we are all proud of you too!(y)
Sounds like someone is a little excited about tomorrow?!
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 10:15 PM
I am! I get to see a band I really like and I don't have to say goodbye to J as I'll be going home with him! (inlove)
Couldn't be happier for you!
Now... Please take the adequate precautions to be safe, no leaving drinks unattended, carry a loud whistle wherever you go and make sure you always have a "get out" if you need one... Also if you can't be good be careful ;)
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 10:34 PM
I took precautions! Knowing how both of us are with anxiety in crowded places, end of row balcony seats!!! (party)
I am always good (angel)
Allalone
17-12-18, 10:36 PM
Suzi you forgot to say umbrella....just in case it rains!!(rofl)
Strugglingmum
17-12-18, 10:42 PM
Have an amazing time huni. So excited for you. Now do be careful.
Stay together at all times. Xx
Jaquaia
17-12-18, 10:53 PM
When I say yes mum, I mean all of you! (giggle)
When I say yes mum, I mean all of you! (giggle)
What?? I don’t know what you’re talking about! (rofl)
You will have an amazing time :)
Have you remembered your meds? Drinks? Food?
Jumper in case you're cold and sensible footwear? What about a hi vis armband so you can be easily spotted in a crowd? Arranged a place to meet if you get separated?
Jaquaia
18-12-18, 09:47 AM
(rofl)(rofl)(rofl) I love you lot!!!! I don't love my dog right now though. Awake at 4, then again at half 5 cleaning poo up off my bedroom floor!!!
Oh no! That's a horrible thing to wake up to!
Jaquaia
18-12-18, 10:09 AM
What I absolutely hate though is she looked absolutely terrified, as if she expected to be in trouble. I know my sister used to hit her when she had an accident and I think my cousins husband may have when she was with them, and I know with them, she was blamed for any mess, even if it was their other dog.
Jaquaia
18-12-18, 11:58 AM
Just got on the train to Bridlington... I'm all excited now and actually nervous!!!
Random fact for you all. Paragon Station in Hull is where John Cleese filmed thw station bit at the start of Clockwise, and the main part of the railway station hasn't changed since then!
Love that film!
Be safe please! But have fun and always keep a set of handcuff keys easily to hand! :)
I think that says more about you, Suzi ;)
Jaquaia
18-12-18, 12:15 PM
I have no idea what on earth you're implying Suzi! (angel)
OldMike
18-12-18, 02:48 PM
Love that film!
Be safe please! But have fun and always keep a set of handcuff keys easily to hand! :)
Jaq make sure they're pink fluffy handcuffs (giggle)
I think that says more about you, Suzi ;) (rofl)(rofl)(rofl)
I have no idea what on earth you're implying Suzi! (angel) lol....
Jaquaia
18-12-18, 08:53 PM
Turin Brakes were fab!!! Just waiting for Travis but having a lovely evening:)
Allalone
18-12-18, 09:18 PM
I’m pleased you’re enjoying your evening.
Strugglingmum
18-12-18, 10:02 PM
Whoop whoop. X
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 11:59 AM
Travis were absolutely amazing!!!!! Took me right back to my teens!!!! And it was hilarious when Fran forgot the words to one song. It was such a good night!
Glad that you had a good time hunni x
So glad you had a wonderful time!
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 03:55 PM
It was lovely being able to fall asleep and wake up next to him, it's the best I've slept in a long time. His cat has surprised him too, apparently it takes him ages to get used to people and he expected him to shoot upstairs and not be seen much while I was there, except he took to me straight away and I was able to stroke him within an hour and he was climbing all over me by the time we left for town and ignored J's hand to come to me for a stroke this morning (giggle)
Cats are notoriously unfaithful (rofl). What do you think Thalia would make of the cat? ;)
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 05:24 PM
She'll attack him, I won't be able to take her when I move in. I'll have to leave her here and just carry on paying for vets etc. To be honest, I'm not a dog person. I only took her on as I felt cornered. My mum was going to take her and with my dad working she would never have managed. I feel like I'll be letting everyone down though :(
It's lovely that you had such a good sleep... You couldn't let anyone down.
Strugglingmum
19-12-18, 05:30 PM
What a lovely time you've had. Xxx
How is putting the dogs needs first letting anyone down?
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 05:36 PM
It's lovely that you had such a good sleep... You couldn't let anyone down.
I reckon I probably could. I'm struggling with the fact that he is taking T to the panto with Cruella tomorrow. I'm struggling with the fact that they're taking him again with A and his oldies in January. The tickets were booked in March, I suggested them still doing that with the kids as I thought it might be good for them and now it's that time, I'm finding it really difficult. I feel like I'm letting him down by resenting them doing this for the children...
How is putting the dogs needs first letting anyone down?
When am I ever not hard on myself?
No. Feeling this way is not letting him down. Feeling this way and throwing a hissy fit, demanding he cancel would be letting him down. But you were never going to do that ....
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 06:01 PM
He always tells me that I'm entitled to feel however I want to feel, I just need to talk to him about it. It frustrates the hell out of him when I shut down but I get it into my head that he'll feel bad if I tell him what's upsetting me and I want to protect him.
If it was the other way round how would you feel if he kept it from you?
You ARE entitled to feel however you want to feel, but you don't have to share everything with him! If you don't want him to feel bad then don't tell him! Accept what is and what they're doing. Don't forget that one day it'll be you and him. He has a past that you already accept. Don't feel bad about how you feel it's perfectly natural. Hold your head up high and smile and be the woman he fell in love with. Resentment and anger eat away at us if we let it. They're a dangerous commodity and you don't need them. You already have all of him, the rest is an irritation that's all.;)
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 08:23 PM
If it was the other way round how would you feel if he kept it from you?
I would want him to tell me but I think he's more important than me
He's not. I promise you x
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 09:07 PM
He says that too
Then he is right. You are BOTH important.
Jaquaia
19-12-18, 10:16 PM
I'm not sure if I will ever see it
You will.... even a little bit. But for now can you believe that we believe it?
How are you today?
Jaquaia
20-12-18, 10:59 AM
I can try.
I'm struggling today but Sarah is coming for a visit so that should he good.
Hope you've had a lovely time!
Jaquaia
20-12-18, 09:49 PM
She's just left. It was nice to be able to catch up
Jaquaia
20-12-18, 09:52 PM
A bit flat. I'll survive
How are you today lovely?
Jaquaia
21-12-18, 10:54 AM
Still a bit flat but making peppermint coconut ice today and just showered Talia so getting things done at least. She smells of cherry and vanilla now. Even put a wash in. The plan is make the coconut ice and then do some studying.
Jaquaia
21-12-18, 03:56 PM
That wash I put in... yeah only just gone in the dryer! The washer wasn't draining properly, think because the sink was a little blocked, so the soap had nowhere to go, the sensors were registering the soap and so extending the cycle. Dad has been rabbiting on at me about it even after I read him the troubleshooting section and I'm a little on edge now!!!! I had intended to do a good bit of uni work and hardly managed any... I give up! But I have managed to sort out a payment plan for yet another payment plan dickhead landed me with...
You're awesome!
Can your Dad sort the plumbing issues?
Are you resting now?
Jaquaia
21-12-18, 05:23 PM
I'm having a break from studying now. My dad has been drinking again...
Oh hunni :(. Are you planning on doing anything nice for yourself tonight?
Jaquaia
21-12-18, 07:25 PM
I'm studying for a bit then going to watch Dr Who
Good.
What plans have you got for the weekend?
Jaquaia
21-12-18, 09:55 PM
Baking highlander biscuits and gingerbread reindeer tomorrow, finishing the coconut ice, changing the beds, wrapping the last couple of pressies and studying. Sunday is decorating the gingerbread reindeer, studying and snuggles with J
Allalone
21-12-18, 10:12 PM
Sounds like a lovely weekend but get some rest too.xx
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 10:29 AM
Slight change of plans! Spending sunday evening at J's now. We're going to order in a pizza and snuggle up with a film once I've wrapped his presents for the kids. Can't wait. I feel like I'm home when I'm with him (inlove)
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 01:40 PM
Someones cutting onions... my mums watching Hachi...;(;(;(;(
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 03:55 PM
Peppermint coconut ice
https://www.dropbox.com/s/13r8mzbdz1yrro5/USER_SCOPED_TEMP_DATA_MSGR_PHOTO_FOR_UPLOAD_154548 0540164.jpg_1545480546175.jpeg?raw=1
Gingerbread men and reindeer
https://www.dropbox.com/s/ocwrb5rd3el93ix/6bc6ada9-25bb-4e9a-b6be-7287eab7b23b.jpg?raw=1
And cinnamon and plain highlander biscuits!
https://www.dropbox.com/s/2t5gk676lyj5wu2/20181222_155838.jpg?raw=1
And veg on the sofa!!! Only got my bed to make now....
OldMike
22-12-18, 04:52 PM
Brilliant Jaq the gingerbread men are so cute :)
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 05:03 PM
I've not baked in over a year so pretty proud of myself right now, though knackered!
Ooo yum! You are so talented :)
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 08:17 PM
I'm shattered now. Made both beds too and done the last bit of wrapping so vegging now with chocolate and Dr Who
Those look amazing - but what are highlander biscuits?
Jaquaia
22-12-18, 09:35 PM
A bit like shortbread except it's caster sugar, butter, plain flour and ground rice. I left one lot plain and added a teaspoon of cinnamon to the other. My mum loves them, I usually add lemon essence but never bought any ghis year.
oo those sound lovely....
Jaquaia
23-12-18, 03:08 PM
Woohoo!!! Made it to Beverley and to the shopping centre on my own with minimal anxiety!!! Even treated myself to lunch in Starbucks so I'm currently relaxing with a candy cane hot chocolate and Jane Austen. I even managed to get the comfy seats!!!!
Candy Cane hot chocolate?
Well done love on all those counts!
Jaquaia
23-12-18, 03:32 PM
It's lush!!! Annoyingly being on your own means you can't really go to the loo or grab another drink without taking all your bags with you!!! Though it is fairly quiet now.
How's the rest of your day been lovely?
Jaquaia
24-12-18, 04:58 PM
It was really lovely. I wrapped his Christmas presents for him and we ordered pizza and just watched some tv then went to his parents as I had a gift for them. Turns out they had a gift for me too but not opened it yet!!! Ended up spending 3 hours there and I felt really comfortable with them. He's only just left as I had a bit of a wobble, knowing I have to say goodbye, even though I know that I always get him back, is hard.
Jaquaia
24-12-18, 07:23 PM
So I bought my mum this...
Tiger Head Complete Counted Cross Stitch Kit 10" x 9.5" A2162 https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0033777O4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apap_1Uw4S9sPXuUXW
Guess who's going to be a busy girl!!!
That’s beautiful (inlove)
So glad you've spent some time with J. That tiger is amazing!
Jaquaia
24-12-18, 09:12 PM
It's going to take me a long time.
Got to admit that I'm struggling tonight. I just want to sleep through the next few days
They bought it for you? Awesome!
I'm sorry you're struggling lovely....
Jaquaia
24-12-18, 10:17 PM
Oh! No, that's my mums Christmas present. She can't do it herself because of her hands so she's going to end up with a lot of my time too. Not sure what his parents have got me yet as I haven't opened it, but J got me a Dr Who novel which was impossible to get a few years ago, a Bluetones dvd and some art stuff; sketch pad, charcoal and watercolour pencils.
I have to go play happy families tomorrow at my sisters and I know that J has to go play happy families with Cruella, despite the massive amount of abuse she's given him tonight. It just reminds me that I'm never going to be a mum. I don't get to experience the excitement in my childs eyes because my stupid body doesn't work properly. I never get to be woken up with "mummy, he's been" because I'm broken yet women like her get to be mums. It's absolutely heartbreaking tonight. It hurts more than I can put into words right now
Allalone
25-12-18, 12:30 AM
(panda)
My niece and my cousins wife are feeling the same. They are heartbroken too... I wish I could wave a magic wand - I know my god daughter has had ivf and it's worked for them... Could that be an option in the future?
Jaquaia
25-12-18, 05:34 PM
J doesn't want any more children, he had a vasectomy a few years ago. Besides, I wouldn't be considered for any fertility treatment anyway until I lost a lot more weight. There's no telling how long that will take and then I need to be off my rheumatoid arthritis meds for a clear 6 months, which will leave me in a lot of pain, plus with the vortioxetine being so new they don't really know if it's safe in pregnancy so I would need to come off that too... I don't think my mental health would be up to trying if it didn't work, though J has said he loves me enough to let me go if I really wanted to try. I've accepted that it won't happen but I get 2 beautiful step-children. J knows that sometimes I will be even more fragile and need a lot more love and support and is always there for me. It's hard but I will manage.
Anyway, I get the impression that people think I like reading... 10 books off my oldies, 3 of my brother and his girlfriend, 1 off my sister and her boyfriend and a book on how to draw fairies, and a book off J! The oldies also got me a gorgeous oilcloth satchel bag, and series 6 and 7 of Not Going Out, my sister also got me the obligatory orange smarties and a framed GoT quote, Scarlett has made me a handprint picture (inlove) and J also bought me a Bluetones dvd, a sketchpad and some charcoal and watercolour pencils... have I mentioned how amazing that man is??? (inlove) Not forgetting a gorgeous photo album from Sarah and a lovely pair of silver studs from the future in-laws
I feel completely spoilt!
You don't deserve anything less.
Jaq you're going to be the best step mum that any child could be lucky enough to have...
Jaquaia
25-12-18, 08:12 PM
I hope so. Those children desperately need some security and happy memories.
Which you will provide in abundance...
Jaquaia
25-12-18, 09:43 PM
I keep massively overthinking it... will she follow through and try to stop him from seeing ghe children because of me? Will she try and turn them against me? Will they hate me? Constantly going round and round my head
This might help re rights.
https://childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/contact/
She might try to turn them against you but it won’t happen - they’ll only have to meet you once to know how wonderful a person you are. And kids aren’t stupid, they can see how things really are
Jaquaia
25-12-18, 10:04 PM
Thanks Paula. She's been absolutely vile today, pushed him, threw a knife in his direction, trapped his arm in a door, had a go at him for not buying her a gift among other things... he's said he's not doing it like this next year.
I keep massively overthinking it... will she follow through and try to stop him from seeing ghe children because of me? Will she try and turn them against me? Will they hate me? Constantly going round and round my head
Jaq....keep this in your head. Cruella CANNOT stop you seeing the children if they're with J. For example: 'The Horse'...Zoe's boyfriend's ex, said exactly the same thing. "You're not seeing the boys if 'she's' there!!!.....dream on Horse! Zoe spent last Sunday at Hec's house not only with the 2 little boys, but with his girls too!! They spent the day making chocs. by pouring melted choc into moulds. The boys - 6 and 3 - wrapped theirs up in festive bags and gave them to their mother!!! Haha! they also baked fairy cakes. They had a wonderful time, and they love Z to bits! So much for that idea! there were no repercussions, why? because she hasn't got a leg to stand on!......you've got to stop thinking negative about Cruella's kids. If you're living with Jay, you're going to see them whether she likes it or not! They'll love you. There is nothing that C can do about it! Besides, she'll probably have another bloke in tow soon so you'll probably have them a lot. She'll soon forget about them. You're new year's resolution (it has to be mine too) is to kick the negative stuff into touch and be safe in the knowledge that every time that bitch says or does something evil, she's just digging a bloody great hole for herself. Happy Boxing day.xx
Jaquaia
26-12-18, 09:13 AM
I'm so pleased that Z is now seeing his kids!!! J thinks they'll love me, I do knownyou're right though.
I'm so pleased that Z is now seeing his kids!!! J thinks they'll love me, I do knownyou're right though.
Course I am! And J is right! They'll love you to bits! How could they not? You have a loving and stable relationship with J. You both have all the ingredients necessary for two little kids to have a lovely life! I wouldn't be at all surprised if C fouls things up so much that J gets full custody of both! Now that's a thought. My Jay got full custody of my granddaughter because her mother is as mad as a box of frogs!(giggle)
Jaquaia
26-12-18, 10:37 AM
The kids had an utterly miserable day yesterday. T was tearful last night because he didn't like how she was talking to J, and A kept saying "mummy was shouting at you and pushing you wasn't she daddy". It's so wrong. They would be much better off with him really.
Paula and Flo are totally spot on. They really will be so much better off when the split is definite, permanent and totally in force.
Jaquaia
26-12-18, 02:02 PM
Sometimes I wish I could turn my head off, I tend to overthink everything.
Ended up spending my morning cooking buffet food for tea and have burnt both hands, so settled down watching Passport to Pimlico.
Have you dressed your hands? Do you need to see a doctor?
Jaquaia
26-12-18, 06:37 PM
They're just small burns but they sting a fair bit
Oh no! How did you burn them? Are they clean and being looked after?
Want to talk about what's going on in your head?
Jaquaia
26-12-18, 10:48 PM
I caught them on the heating elements in the cooker.
I constantly worry that he'll decide having his children every day will be worth going back to her. I constantly worry that he'll realise that being with me is a mistake and I'm too much hard work. I worry that I'm not good enough, that he can do so much better, that she will make things nearly impossible for him when she finds out about me... so many worries constantly going round my head
I understand those worries, but can I share something with you?
You've opened him up to the reality of life without abuse. That's huge. That isn't something he'll be able to go back on lovely. He adores you. Of course you're good enough. You're more than good enough for him or for anyone you ever choose to be with because you are amazing. Honestly. You are intelligent, funny, caring, sensible, silly, beautiful, kind and so many other adjectives...
She will try to make things difficult, but sweetheart she'll be shooting herself in the foot too. The more she is abusive and the more the children are aware of how bad things are the more she'll be hanging herself and could lose all custody of those children.....
Couldn’t have said it better myself. Hunni, when she found out about you, he chose you. Don’t ever forget that
Jaquaia
27-12-18, 10:38 AM
This is probably more to do with my view of myself if I really think about it. I don't think I'm worth very much
Maybe you should start listening to the positive voices more? We are right you know....
Especially me. I'm seriously always right......
Jaquaia
27-12-18, 05:58 PM
J usually rings me as he drives to work and he did today but had to go to the petrol station on the way so he chose one 2 minutes from work. Despite only being 2 minutes from work, he decided to ring me back just to tell me as much as he could about what he loved about me. (inlove)
That's how it should be! :)
Jaquaia
28-12-18, 08:00 PM
Fed up!!! Dads been drinking since about dinner time. Gone through nearly a case and I can hear him slurring. Mums making excuses for him telling me "well he is in pain today". My brother seems to think it's ok as "it's not a lot for dad". My mums left the Take That thing on that's on BBC1 and my dad started slagging off the ticket prices. "They should be set at £20". Tried explaining that it's the venues that set the prices as they have to pay for stewards etc but he just sees it as they earn enough and they can get those prices as idiots will pay those prices. I pointed out that I paid £60 for Stereophonics and that I thought they were worth every penny and he got clever asking if that included a 3 course meal and beer...
"No because I don't need to go out and get (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed to enjoy myself. I went to see something I really enjoy and have memories that will last a lifetime "
Don't think that went down too well...
Oh........ I really, really feel for you lovely...
Jaquaia
28-12-18, 08:27 PM
I think it's just a case of living with it until I can move out, which probably explains why I've managed to do just over a weeks worth of uni work, watch 2 hours of Dr Who, watch a film and read 2 full novels since Boxing Day afternoon!!!
(panda) you’re on the home straight til getting out, lovely. Big hugs
Morning love, how you doing?
magie06
29-12-18, 09:50 AM
I have to agree with you Jaq. Some of my family like to drink and no day out is complete unless they end up being sick all over the place from drinking too much. One of my brothers ran out of drink and was waiting outside Tesco on boxing day to get more. They normally start drinking at lunch time on Christmas day and don't stop until either the drink runs out or they pass out. I don't like it and I really think it's such a waste of money. Plus it doesn't give a very good example to their grandchildren who are still very young. My brothers grandson got hand, foot and mouth disease just before Christmas and the blisters broke out on his feet and in his mouth on Christmas day. His mum and dad were both drinking on Christmas day and I really don't know how they coped with a sick baby and hangovers the following day.
How are you doing today?
Jaquaia
29-12-18, 05:53 PM
I've been studying all day again. J popped to see me this morning and then I've just got on with it. Taking a break now though. I want to finish week 7 before I pack it all away and start week 8 tomorrow. I still think that I'll need to email my tutor and ask for an extension but I'm seeing some real progress now.
I'm now spending New Years Eve with J! I'm meeting him from work and spending the night there and he's dropping me off New Years Day before work. Much better than sitting at home on my own in my room or avoiding my dad knocking the beer back. What better way to start the New Year than with the man I love? (inlove)
That's brilliant!!!!!!! I'm so thrilled for you!!
magie06
29-12-18, 09:29 PM
Oh that's just like a love story. You seem really happy. I'm so glad for you.
Hey gorgeous, how you doing?
Jaquaia
30-12-18, 11:04 AM
I'm ok mostly, a bit flat. Had a telling off from J about trying to pretend I'm ok. Also frustrating the hell out of him because I won't let him help pay for my counselling level 1
Glad you got told to stop pretending!
Hope that today is a good one lovely x
Jaquaia
30-12-18, 11:39 AM
I'm studying again all day
Jaquaia
30-12-18, 07:57 PM
Still studying! Taken 9 pages of notes so far. Have another 5 pages to read and make notes on then I've done a full chapter today and only have the computer based learning to do for week 8! Break for wine gums me thinks then final push.
Even written a fairly epic reflective post for fb but worrying about posting it as I've been even more open than normal
Well done for writing it! What worries you? People’s reactions or just letting people see a part of you that’s normally hidden?
Jaquaia
30-12-18, 09:08 PM
Probably both. I've admitted to self-harming and other then here, I've never admitted it before. I can count on 1 hand with fingers to spare who knows outside of the forum.
Can I post it on the DWD FB page? I'm happy to do it anon if you'd rather?
Are you pushing yourself too hard?
Jaquaia
30-12-18, 09:12 PM
I have no choice, I have an assignment due in a week on Tuesday and I still have 2 and a half weeks worth of work to catch up on. I can slow down once that's handed in.
Going to take a deep breath and post it!
Edited to say I've done it! If it's something you would like to share Suzi I would be ok with that.
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