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Misanthrope
02-09-18, 08:57 PM
Hi I am new , I found this forum while browsing the internet, i don't want to talk to anyone on Facebook but am so lonely. I have had bouts of depression since I was a teenager that have got worse. I've had counselling, CBT and anti depressants. I had a bad bereaved nearly 3 years ago and not been the same since. In Feb I overdosed on sleeping tablets but it only knocked me out (obviously .) I have been fired from more jobs than I can remember, recently was last week, I can't concentrate any more , I feel like I don't know what people are talking about. People take the mickey out of me as I am anorexic . I go out of my way to avoid everyone most of the time. I was working very long hours . I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow to find out if I am exhausted or the over dose has damaged my brain in some way. Meanwhile I have to decide wether to bother finding another job or just let go and starve to death cos I really don't think there is any point trying any more, I'm in loads of debt and lived on my own for 25 years.

Suzi
02-09-18, 09:21 PM
Hi there and welcome to DWD. I'm really glad you've found us and hope that we can at least support you if you want us to.
Can I ask how old you are? Are you having any support with your anorexia? I promise you, no one here will ever take the mickey out of you for any of your medical conditions..
I'm really glad you're going to see your GP tomorrow - will you tell them everything and be honest about how you are feeling?
Can you apply for benefits if you are now out of work?

Paula
02-09-18, 09:26 PM
Hi and welcome (hi). I’m so sorry things are so tough, particularly at the moment. Well done for making the appointment with your GP, could you print out your post here to show to the doctor?

Sweetheart, there is always a way through. I know finding that way is so difficult but one of the key aspects is the support you have around you - and you will get that support here (bear)

Misanthrope
02-09-18, 09:52 PM
Thank you both for the replies. I am 45 . I don't have any support. From what I have read the support is key to getting better. But right now I don't want to. Anorexia is stronger than I am. I lost 2 stone in 3 months at the job but I kept messing up. I really can't be bothered any more when I know it always ends in disaster. Not received my p45 yet, they said I owe 2000 pound for training I had . I literally give up.

Paula
03-09-18, 08:31 AM
Well, you have support now. We’re here for you, lovely.

Have you spoken to anyone for advice re the £2000? Citizens Advice maybe?

Misanthrope
03-09-18, 09:50 AM
Tbh I made a Dr appointment and have lounged about crying for nearly a week. I sleep a lot too. Will see what the Dr says, he is very blunt normally. Thanks for the support this really is an all time low.

Suzi
03-09-18, 10:01 AM
Oh hunni... When's your appointment?

OldMike
03-09-18, 01:45 PM
Hi Misanthrope, I'm glad you've made a docs appointment, please follow what Paula posted and print out what you posted here and take it to the docs.

Suzi
03-09-18, 05:43 PM
How did your appointment go?

Misanthrope
03-09-18, 07:10 PM
Thank you all for your concern. It was a new doctor and she was nice. My bmi is low but not hospitalization as long as I attend a health check next week so try not to loose any weight this week. I've still not received my p45 tho so can't sign on . I am not feeling too bad but once the boredom of not having a job kicks in I am going to go through hell. I will be in the library all day tomorrow applying for jobs but I find it mind numbing. I believe my depression stems from boredom and the anorexia is my coping mechanism.
Thanks again for the support and hope I will be in a position to help other sufferers very soon .

Jaquaia
03-09-18, 07:48 PM
Hi and welcome. If you think boredom is an issue have you considered taking up a new hobby or trying some courses?

Paula
03-09-18, 09:08 PM
Do you have any input/help from a specialist eating disorder team?

Misanthrope
03-09-18, 09:17 PM
I have started meditation recently but my main concern is getting a job again and filling out job applications all day is mind numbing . I have not had specialist help recently as I was eating every day and up to a decent weight until I started the job I just lost. I was working 12 hours a day, 6 days a week, plus 2 or 3 hours drive each way and it has drained me. Will see what happens at blood tests and check up next week. Thank you .

Suzi
03-09-18, 10:07 PM
Those are ridiculous hours! What do you do? There has to be something closer or with less hours!

Misanthrope
04-09-18, 05:49 AM
I was driving a bus. I have to do long hours as I have all the bills on my own plus a load of debts from some previous misfortunes.

Paula
04-09-18, 07:56 AM
Have you had any help/Advice in dealing with your debts and budgeting?

Misanthrope
04-09-18, 09:30 AM
No I am hoping my p45 will come today but tbh I don't want to go out of the house. I'm fed up with people shouting at me and judging me like that is going to help an illness that I never chose to have ��

Suzi
04-09-18, 10:45 AM
You can get free help via organisations such as the CAB - you should be able to call them too..

Misanthrope
04-09-18, 11:01 AM
Thank you Suzi . I need to stop burying my head in the sand and pull myself together or at least stop crying and sleeping all day.

Jaquaia
04-09-18, 11:09 AM
Burying your head in the sand...yes. Pull yourself together... if only it were that easy! Take each day as it comes and make time for you to do something nice for you

Misanthrope
04-09-18, 01:02 PM
Well I have phoned about rent and council tax, they were ok, I have to go tomorrow and register as unemployed again. Dread to think what's gonna happen to me next.

Paula
04-09-18, 02:31 PM
Well done, that’s a start :)

Suzi
04-09-18, 02:38 PM
That's a brilliant start! Well done!

Misanthrope
04-09-18, 06:01 PM
Thank you. It probably doesn't sound like a big effort but I tend to avoid talking to anyone if I can. Someone has been talking about me as I got a letter from my mum telling me I was wasting away and to sort myself out. Feel like writing back and saying "good idea, why didn't I think of that. A cure for anorexia at last."��

Jaquaia
04-09-18, 06:05 PM
It's a huge effort. It's taken me 3 years to sort out repayment plans for my own debts as I couldn't face talking to them

Suzi
04-09-18, 09:16 PM
It IS a huge thing! I know how much my husband struggles with things like that....

Are you not in regular contact with your Mum? Does she often write such horrible things to you?

Strugglingmum
04-09-18, 10:09 PM
I have used an organisation called CAP to help me with debt management. Just a suggestion. They were very understanding of my mental health issues and stay in contact to see how we are coping etc

Misanthrope
05-09-18, 06:11 AM
I was being sorted out with a debt management company but losing my job has put a spanner in the works as I can't make the £90 a month repayments now. The thought of having to start again at another job and meet new people and get up every day pretending everything is fine is making me feel ill. It never lasts more than a few months and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I don't speak to my parents very often, sad to say I stopped bothering years ago, it made me too upset.

Paula
05-09-18, 08:56 AM
Debt management agreements can be very helpful but I think it would help you if you had impartial advice and support from an organisation (if you’re in the U.K.) like Citizens Advice who could help you with next steps as things are right now. Hunni, have you considered you need to focus on getting well before you look for a new job?

Suzi
05-09-18, 09:13 AM
I agree with Paula. You sound to me like you really need to focus on getting you better....

Misanthrope
05-09-18, 11:46 AM
Thank you, yes I do need to get myself back on track, it has been going on for far too long. I'm still wondering if it is from the over dose back in Feb as my memory and concentration are terrible. Will know more after the health check next week.

Suzi
05-09-18, 05:39 PM
Do you have a good support network of friends/family living nearby?

Misanthrope
05-09-18, 08:09 PM
No I haven't got anyone nearby. I don't want anyone around me anyway tbh I prefer to talk online to people I don't know, probably sounds strange , I don't know if it's depression in general or the eating disorder but I push everyone away. I become quite nasty and bad tempered and hurt people and I can't stop myself. It always makes me feel much worse.

Suzi
05-09-18, 08:25 PM
That sounds so horrible though.... You don't have to be alone, talk to us. We're good at listening ;)

Misanthrope
05-09-18, 09:40 PM
I really appreciate it. The hunger makes me very stroppy and argumentative, I have never had any close friends or got on with my family, they have shut the door on me many times. I don't like myself at all when I get like this.

Suzi
06-09-18, 08:52 AM
How is your eating at the moment? Have you spoken to someone to get support with it?

Paula
06-09-18, 09:53 AM
No I haven't got anyone nearby. I don't want anyone around me anyway tbh I prefer to talk online to people I don't know, probably sounds strange , I don't know if it's depression in general or the eating disorder but I push everyone away. I become quite nasty and bad tempered and hurt people and I can't stop myself. It always makes me feel much worse.

I don’t know if this makes sense but joining here and talking to strangers online eventually meant I learnt how to talk to those around me too

Misanthrope
06-09-18, 11:50 AM
I'm barely eating at all anymore tbh , I'm really sorry but 99 % of me just don't want to live anymore, I hope this is not triggering anyone else.

Suzi
06-09-18, 12:26 PM
Are you drinking? Can you try things like drinking soups? Smoothies?
Sweetheart things won't be like this forever, this is a temporary blip. You can get through this...

Misanthrope
06-09-18, 12:54 PM
I'm having hot water and skimmed milk. Problem is every time I am close to getting on my feet I get knocked back down 10 times worse. It has got to the point where I know if I get up again something even worse will happen and I can't take any more.

Misanthrope
06-09-18, 12:55 PM
Sorry to be dumping this all on you.

Paula
06-09-18, 01:36 PM
I'm having hot water and skimmed milk. Problem is every time I am close to getting on my feet I get knocked back down 10 times worse. It has got to the point where I know if I get up again something even worse will happen and I can't take any more.

At some point, you will get up again with something good happening. I know it doesn’t feel it at the moment but it will. Gradually, bit by bit, the minutes, hours, days will seem brighter. Please keep fighting, lovely (bear)

Suzi
06-09-18, 03:49 PM
I completely agree with Paula lovely, it isn't always going to be this way... I promise it gets better..

Misanthrope
07-09-18, 06:43 PM
Thank you all for your kind words but I just can't see things better. We all know nothing lasts forever.

Paula
07-09-18, 06:57 PM
What I can tell you is that there are many, many members here who have felt the way you do at some point or the other. I’m included in that list. And we all came through. Talking to us, being part of a family of people who completely understand what you’re going through, that helps massively - I promise

Misanthrope
07-09-18, 08:00 PM
Thanks Paula, I understand that but also aware that many people don't come through it, I think I'm losing my mind.

Misanthrope
07-09-18, 08:01 PM
Sorry again to dump all this on you, I am going to sleep as much as I can until I can get back to the Dr.

Suzi
07-09-18, 08:34 PM
You aren't losing your mind at all lovely, you need to get back to your Dr and you need to get some help to get through this.

Misanthrope
07-09-18, 09:11 PM
Strange things keep happening tho

Suzi
07-09-18, 09:19 PM
I'm sure there are other explanations lovely...