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Strugglingmum
06-08-18, 10:00 PM
So this time last week I was in hospital following another overdose. I'm home and doing ok.
I live with my hubby and 3 teens. I just feel so so alone all the time. I have been battling depression for 3 years and I confess that I do tend to isolate a lot and hold people at arms length. I have lost a lot of friends over the past 2 years and I know its my fault. I find loneliness so overwhelming at times that I can get hopeless.
Does anyone have any tips on how to let down the defences?? How to trust people with how I feel, how my thoughts work? Basically how do I trust people who dont understand my illness to be able to cope with me

CaterpillarGirl
06-08-18, 10:04 PM
It's such a difficult thing to do, to be honest the first time I was open about my depression I was drunk and confessed to my next door neighbour, she didn't really understand but she tried to hard to and was so understanding that it made it easier for me to open up to others (not that I'm saying you should get drunk and tell people, more that even though it's hard it feels good to open up and once you've told one person it is so much easier to be open with others too)

CaterpillarGirl
06-08-18, 10:05 PM
Sorry I don't know how to edit my post but I meant to put *tried so hard to*

Suzi
06-08-18, 10:42 PM
I've added a *SU Trigger warning* just to alert other members that this thread discusses suicide. It's nothing to worry about, but other members may find it triggering for their own journey.

I'm glad you're home and your attempt wasn't completed. You can do this, you can get through this.
Are you in touch with the crisis team at all? What kind of support do you have?
As to social things, I've found being here on this forum brilliantly social. I've got to know so many wonderful people and then from here you can branch out maybe looking at your local Mind groups or a recovery college... Step by step lovely...

Sissy
07-08-18, 07:20 AM
I just want to tell you how happy I am you are home, safe and sound. Depression is abit like having a huge ugly monster following you everywhere, but only you can see it. However, everyone else can see how it affects you. It scares everyone away, and you feel so alone with the monster. Telling about it to others is scary, but the ones that really matter will listen, and try to understand, and somehow it makes the monster shrink abit. There begins to eventually be room even if it is around, and recovering can really start. Don't give up. Let us try to help you. You probably knew this already, but talking about things like this helps us as well. We are taking this worst classtrip ever together, one that none of us had signed for. Some of us are in the group, some of us accompaning the travellers. But we can get through this, together. Even it feels so, you are not alone, you are important, and you do matter. And People do care. Maybe we here can kelp you kick that monsters booty.

Paula
07-08-18, 07:39 AM
Awesome post Sissy!

Strugglingmum
07-08-18, 07:46 AM
Thank you everyone. Yes I have good medical support and am really lucky and blessed with the input I have. Most people around me know of my illness and my struggle but there are very few (none) who understand. They think I should be better by now and really I'm just being selfish and not trying hard enough and treating my husband and kids terribly....... I guess I need new friends �� ��
So shoulders Back, chin up try again another day. Xx
Thank you for the support. I really feel like people here understand. Xx

Sissy
07-08-18, 08:05 AM
No one can know exactly how you feel, but wey do understand how badly it cripples you emotionally and socially. Unless you have lived with it, you can not see how bottomless pit it feels like. But the bottom is there, and you can climb back up.

Suzi
07-08-18, 09:08 AM
Sissy, those posts are brilliant!

StrugglingMum- hunni, you will get new friends being here - I know I have. Even though things are tough right now, you can get through this and you can do it completely and utterly!

Strugglingmum
17-08-18, 10:06 PM
Have been rereading my original post and realise even though I've been trying to make life as normal as possible my mood is still in the pits. Exhaustion really takingbovr
Dr.

Suzi
17-08-18, 11:07 PM
What things can you do that lift your mood to see if that helps?

CaterpillarGirl
18-08-18, 01:13 PM
I know exactly how you feel, I thought getting out and about and doing things would make me feel better, and in a way it does, I still get home and want to curl up into a ball and cry though, I'm hoping these tablets I'm on will start helping soon. I hope you're feeling better today, you're doing amazingly well even if it doesn't always feel like it :)

Strugglingmum
18-08-18, 06:50 PM
I'm still really struggling today. I've been walking, doing laundry, doing crafty stuff and trying all the usual stuff. See the home treatment team tomorrow so aim at the moment is to try and stay safe til then.

Suzi
19-08-18, 11:05 AM
When are you seeing the HT team? (Is that like the crisis team?) How are you today?

Paula
19-08-18, 08:23 PM
How are you doing, lovely?

Strugglingmum
19-08-18, 10:23 PM
Hi Paula and Suzi. Saw the team today and talked thru a lot of stuff. They are like an intensive team who can see you at home or clinic every day if needs be and be in contact by phone up until 8pm. They are a big support when you are feeling vulnerable. I slept better last night which helped mood slightly. Still very low but feeling a bit safer. Thank you both for checking up on me. I've no one else that does that. It means so much. My hubby is taking me away for a couple of nights tomorrow to try a change of air and a more relaxing atmosphere to see if helps thru next couple of days.

Paula
20-08-18, 08:49 AM
I’m glad you got some sleep (bear). Where’s hubby taking you?

Suzi
20-08-18, 09:11 AM
OO where are you going?

CaterpillarGirl
20-08-18, 12:57 PM
I hope you have a wonderful relaxing time, enjoy :)

Strugglingmum
20-08-18, 10:30 PM
Thanks all. We are in a hotel in South Ireland. Small town. Just chilling and I'm working hard at relaxing!!

Suzi
20-08-18, 10:32 PM
Southern Ireland looks beautiful! Our own Magie is from around those parts ;)

magie06
21-08-18, 09:30 AM
Oooh, what part? When are you coming? I'll make sure to have the red carpet ready for your arrival date.

Strugglingmum
22-08-18, 09:00 PM
Lol. Been there didn't buy a t shirt but did relax for a couple of days. We were just over the border in Co. Monaghan. We live Co. Down so not too far from home but far enough to try and distress. Back home today.

Suzi
22-08-18, 09:22 PM
Glad you managed to relax even a little...

CaterpillarGirl
23-08-18, 10:29 AM
How is everything going? Do you feel better after your trip?

Strugglingmum
23-08-18, 09:26 PM
It was nice while it lasted but as we drove home I could feel my anxiety and agitation just soaring again. Really down today even with my daughter's fab results but trying to tell myself it's just post holiday blues.

CaterpillarGirl
24-08-18, 10:28 AM
Yeah I always suffer with post holiday blues, last time I went away I was back in work the same day I came back! Hope you feel better soon :)

Suzi
24-08-18, 10:34 AM
Have you told those around you how you are feeling?

Strugglingmum
24-08-18, 03:47 PM
I was with my team yesterday so they have seen for themselves where I am. Nobody tells you how tiring it is fighting to just exist. Could just go hide in my bed for a week.

Paula
24-08-18, 07:32 PM
(panda) are you landing on resting this weekend?

*planning

Strugglingmum
24-08-18, 08:40 PM
I have absolutely no plans. Well none of the good kind. Feeling so low. May need to contact my team again tomorrow.

Paula
24-08-18, 08:47 PM
Can you not contact them tonight, lovely?

Strugglingmum
24-08-18, 09:10 PM
I'm just going to go to bed. Safe there. Thanks

Paula
24-08-18, 09:28 PM
Ok hunni, is there anyone with you atm?

Strugglingmum
24-08-18, 10:00 PM
Yeah. I'm home with my hubby and boys. Taken a sleeping tablet and hopefully going to sleep. X

Paula
24-08-18, 10:09 PM
I hope you get some shuteye. Take care, sweetie, you’re important

Paula
25-08-18, 07:42 AM
How are you this monrning, sweetie, how was your night?

CaterpillarGirl
25-08-18, 10:32 AM
Hope you're feeling better today, I'm sorry you're going through this, it will get better :)

Suzi
25-08-18, 12:04 PM
Just wanted to leave you this (panda). Hope today is even a little brighter for you...

Strugglingmum
25-08-18, 02:13 PM
Thanks. I slept not bad. Low today but not having just as hard a battle in my head to stay safe.

Paula
25-08-18, 06:44 PM
You’re doing brilliantly (panda)

Suzi
25-08-18, 10:13 PM
Glad things are not as hard today... Remind me when was the last time you saw your Dr? Are you taking any meds?

Strugglingmum
25-08-18, 10:19 PM
Yes i'm currently titrating up my venlafaxine after a disastrous trial on citalopram. Currently on 75mg but was on 300mg before trial of citalopram. Up to 150mg on Monday. Saw psychiatric nurse on Thursday. Appt on Tuesday again.

Suzi
25-08-18, 10:25 PM
I'm glad you've got regular appointments. Don't be afraid to use things like the Samaritans if you need to....

Paula
25-08-18, 10:26 PM
Changing over meds is so hard so please be kind to yourself (bear)

Strugglingmum
30-08-18, 09:13 PM
Just out of hospital this afternoon following another overdose.
Only a month since my last one. I think I'm getting worse not better. Someone please tell me it's going to get better

Suzi
30-08-18, 09:36 PM
Oh sweetheart, why didn't you come and talk to us?
How long have you been in hospital? Are you going to be seen by the crisis team?

Paula
31-08-18, 09:22 AM
(panda)

OldMike
31-08-18, 10:10 AM
Oh love as Suzi said if things get tough post on here it really helps. (bear) (panda)

Strugglingmum
31-08-18, 06:04 PM
I was in 3 days until I was medically fit. Then seen by crisis team and discharged home with appointment for next week. I just feel so alone and unsafe which I know is stupid cos I'm home with my husband and kids but inside is so empty

Paula
31-08-18, 07:06 PM
Oh lovely, you are so important, I wish you could see that (bear)

Suzi
31-08-18, 10:07 PM
Hey lovely, can you use things like the Samaritans to help stop you from doing anything? Does your husband and your medical team know that you are feeling unsafe?
Sweetheart you need to remember that you're still transitioning from one med to another, it's going to be hard for a while, but IT WILL PASS..

Strugglingmum
31-08-18, 10:40 PM
I feel like I'm in freefall. It's scary yet part of me just wants to crash land because then the fear of falling will be over. They took all my stockpile of tablets and I live in the middle of nowhere so I can't get out to buy more. Running out in front of a bus is looking very attractive. My husband is aware of how low I feel. My medical team just keep telling me I'm strong ill get through this but I feel anything but strong. I just want to curl up in a ball and it call be over

Paula
01-09-18, 08:45 AM
(panda) how are you doing? Did you get any sleep?

Suzi
01-09-18, 09:58 AM
Keeping fighting this is something you can do.... I'm really glad you've been talking this through with your husband hunni. Do you have any chance to rest and be kind to yourself today?

OldMike
01-09-18, 11:44 AM
Keep fighting you WILL get through this and remember the Samaritans are at the end of the phone if you need someone to talk to. I'm glad you've talked things over with your husband. (bear)

CaterpillarGirl
01-09-18, 01:13 PM
I hope you're doing OK today, I know exactly how you're feeling and how scary it can be, it does feel like it will never end but believe me it does end and you will get better (panda)

Strugglingmum
01-09-18, 01:44 PM
Thank you all. I got a bit of sleep. I was so tired from the hospital. I've 2 loads of washing done, tea on the go and the dog taken to the beach for a walk. I'm functioning on autopilot. So so emotionless and detached and numb. Is this how life feels from now on

Paula
01-09-18, 03:13 PM
No, sweetheart, this may be how life is now, but not from now on. There is ALWAYS a way through (panda)

Suzi
01-09-18, 04:37 PM
I'm with Paula. Love being in hospital is exhausting, coming home from hospital is even more exhausting. Sweetheart you are doing an awful lot for someone who is needing to focus on themselves and getting through the day safely, rather than being responsible for the cooking, cleaning, washing etc Someone else can pick up those tasks. If right now all you can do is binge watch tv series snuggled in a duvet, then that's what you need to do. You need to just "be" right now. Maybe getting up and having a shower and putting on clean pj's is enough... Don't try to be superwoman love or you won't be giving yourself the space and kindness to get through this....

Strugglingmum
01-09-18, 05:05 PM
I just don't know how to do that Suzi. When my body stops moving my brain hits hyperspeed and fires everything at me quicker than I can process anything. When I keep busy physically it dulls the blue in my head

Suzi
01-09-18, 05:42 PM
Can you try focussing on something different? Reading a book or watching a series...

Strugglingmum
01-09-18, 10:04 PM
I'm trying I promise.

Suzi
01-09-18, 10:27 PM
I'm sure you are hunni.... (panda)

Fighting with your own thoughts is horrifically hard. You need to allow you time to just be kind to you - have a long bath, read a book, have a lie in, go for a walk etc....

Paula
02-09-18, 11:40 AM
Morning sweetie, how are you? Are you going to take it easy today?

Suzi
02-09-18, 12:49 PM
Hey hunni, how was last night? Did you get any sleep?

Strugglingmum
02-09-18, 06:54 PM
I slept a bit better. Phoned my health care team today as I was really struggling with my thoughts. They helped me divert for a while. Finding it hard on my own but I'm trying. I've overdosed so many times and it doesn't work. I seem to be indestructible. My brain is firing lots of different directions trying to think of other ways I could be successful. It's exhausting trying to stop it or get drawn down that direction

Suzi
02-09-18, 09:17 PM
It's tough to fight against your own thoughts lovely, try to be kind to you. Have you got any hobbies you can use to help distract you? I'm so glad you called the health care team... Don't be afraid to do it again...

Paula
02-09-18, 09:31 PM
(panda) I know it’s exhausting, love, but you are getting through - it may be minute by minute but if that’s what it takes ...... are you talking to your family?

Strugglingmum
02-09-18, 10:11 PM
I can talk to my husband although I hate to worry him. I've made it through another day and have not actively self harmed in any way. Thank you for your support. X

Paula
03-09-18, 08:21 AM
If your husband is anything like mine, he’d much rather you ‘worry’ him than bottled it all up. He knows your thoughts, lovely, so talking it through and being comforted by him is not going to change that.

Did you sleep?

Suzi
03-09-18, 09:57 AM
Well done for not harming yesterday! That's great! Definitely talk to your husband. It's not "worry" is "support" and how can he be there for you if he doesn't know that you are struggling?

Strugglingmum
03-09-18, 11:45 AM
Thanks. I slept a bit better last night and was able to be up and kids out to school. Tea in the slow cooker washing on the line been to the shop. I seem to cope better when I keep very busy, only problem is I get tired so easily. Going to see if I can manage to pick up my crochet today and try to do a bit. My hands seem to freeze as if I don't know what to do or I'm scared of it or something. Same with knitting.

Suzi
03-09-18, 11:52 AM
Wow you've done loads today! How old are your children? Did they get off to school OK?
I always find with crochet that when things are tough, sticking to a simple granny square idea is often best. Means I achieve something, but it's simple enough that I don't have to concentrate too much itms?

Strugglingmum
03-09-18, 02:08 PM
Good idea. I had started a top for myself and have the front and back done but do need to concentrate on the pattern for the sleeves. A simple granny square baby blanket might be the way to go. Same with my knitting. I have a beautiful Aran sweater waiting 2 years to be finished since I got sick. Can't concentrate on the pattern.

Paula
03-09-18, 03:00 PM
You’re doing awesomely today :)

Suzi
03-09-18, 05:44 PM
How'd it go this afternoon love? I love Granny square blankets! You can make them as big as you want or as complicated or with as many squares as you want/need!

Strugglingmum
03-09-18, 06:03 PM
Awk I haven't settled to the crochet yet. I did attempt Mike's quiz mind you. Not a threat to princess sparkles in any way but it did entertain my mind for a while. I also phoned my team when I was really struggling for a while. Motivation way down the list. I'm hiding in bed at the moment.

OldMike
03-09-18, 06:59 PM
Awk I haven't settled to the crochet yet. I did attempt Mike's quiz mind you. Not a threat to princess sparkles in any way but it did entertain my mind for a while. I also phoned my team when I was really struggling for a while. Motivation way down the list. I'm hiding in bed at the moment.

The main thing is you had fun doing the quiz, Princess Sparkles has 2 wins but with five entrants anything can happen.

Suzi
03-09-18, 09:59 PM
Definitely good that you enjoyed the quiz! And you involved your team too! That's also an added positive!
So proud of you!

Strugglingmum
04-09-18, 09:41 PM
Went to my training centre today and completed my basic computer training. I'm starting the more advanced course next lesson. Also taught another student how to make pastry in the training kitchen. Was a good day. Came home cooked tea for the family and then snuggled with the hubby in front of the telly. Been a much better day. Today I'm glad I'm still here.

Paula
05-09-18, 09:03 AM
That’s a fab post :)

Suzi
05-09-18, 09:04 AM
That is an amazing post! Maybe you could print it out - highlighting the last 6 words....

Hope you slept well.

CaterpillarGirl
05-09-18, 02:48 PM
So glad you had a good day yesterday, I hope things continue that way for you :)

CaterpillarGirl
06-09-18, 09:18 AM
How are you feeling today? Hope you are still doing well

Strugglingmum
13-09-18, 06:48 PM
Home from hospital 2 weeks today after last overdose. Doing better. Absolutely no misuse of medication at all. Keeping on keeping on. X
Thanks for the support on here.

Paula
13-09-18, 06:59 PM
You’re doing brilliantly! You should be so proud of yourself :)

Strugglingmum
13-09-18, 08:59 PM
Thank you Paula. X

Suzi
13-09-18, 09:58 PM
That really is something worth celebrating! Well done lovely!

CaterpillarGirl
14-09-18, 09:06 AM
Sounds really positive, keep up the good work :) you're doing great

Suzi
14-09-18, 10:11 AM
Hi lovely, how are you?

Strugglingmum
14-09-18, 07:24 PM
Antidepressants increased today. Hoping the improvement continues with the increased dose. Continuing to keep winning the battle against suicidal thoughts. Over 2 weeks now since last overdose. I actually don't feel as certain about wanting to die. I'm feeling a glimmer of hope. 22 years married last week. Thinking about wanting to be around for the next 22. My hubby deserves to have me fight for our future like he has fought for us since I have been ill.

Jaquaia
14-09-18, 07:28 PM
That sounds really positive!

Suzi
14-09-18, 08:00 PM
That's an amazing post!!

Paula
14-09-18, 08:15 PM
I can’t say it enough - you’re awesome!

Arty
15-09-18, 04:47 PM
Well done, you are doing brilliantly. It sounds like your husband is a great support to you too :)

CaterpillarGirl
16-09-18, 09:51 AM
I'm so glad things are getting better for you, you're doing so amazingly you should be really proud of yourself :)

Strugglingmum
30-09-18, 07:47 PM
Been struggling so much over past week or so. Wish my upwards journey could keep going the one direction for just a little while. This roller coaster is exhausting with its ups and downs

Jaquaia
30-09-18, 07:52 PM
It is. And it's irritating as hell and disheartening when you feel like you've taken a couple of steps back, but it doesn't last lovely. It's never a straight journey, I wish it was, but you've seen you can have good days and achieve a lot. You can always come here and talk to us when you're not doing so good (panda)

Paula
30-09-18, 08:23 PM
Hey, just leaving this here (panda)

Suzi
30-09-18, 09:06 PM
If you were struggling, why didn't you come and talk to us? Maybe we could have helped - at least by being there and understanding...

Strugglingmum
30-09-18, 09:46 PM
I know. I'm sorry. I'm so guilty of isolating when things are tough.

Jaquaia
30-09-18, 09:47 PM
I think we all do that at times, I'm guilty of it myself.

Suzi
01-10-18, 08:39 AM
No need to be sorry at all lovely! As Jaq says, we all do that... Even when I'm here and if things are hard then the team know as I don't talk about it and then post explaining what's happening and they always say "so why didn't you talk about it?" They're right and what I preach is right - talking DOES help... It's hard to do though at times.

Paula
01-10-18, 08:39 AM
Me too (bear)

OldMike
01-10-18, 09:43 AM
I'm the same I isolate myself when I'm not feeling good, it seems to come with the territory, as the others say talking does help.

Strugglingmum
01-10-18, 06:35 PM
I have a family wedding on Saturday and what should be a wonderful day is stressing me so much. Yesterday was the anniversary of my mums death and last Thursday would have been her birthday. Its just all overwhelming.
Due to him adversely affecting my mental health I haven't seen or spoken to my father since June. he will of course be at the wedding and I'm dreading it plus carrying guilt because I haven't been in touch with him. I feel like a big ball of anxiety and dread.

Jaquaia
01-10-18, 06:41 PM
I'm not surprised you're struggling (panda)

Suzi
01-10-18, 07:24 PM
I'm not surprised you're struggling! Family gatherings are so full of stress.
Do you have any coping strategies? Any support?

Strugglingmum
01-10-18, 07:47 PM
My husband. He is basically to be a buffer all day at the wedding between me and my father.

Suzi
01-10-18, 07:58 PM
As it happens I use my husband between me and my eldest sibling.... I also use the "Oh no, I have to deal with this" text too......

Paula
02-10-18, 08:52 AM
Can you plan to limit how long you’re at the wedding? Is it local?

Suzi
02-10-18, 09:25 AM
How are you feeling today lovely?

Strugglingmum
02-10-18, 10:05 PM
Today has been ok. I spoke to my CPN about medication for the day and just basically coping techniques. my father is 89 so will probably not stay long at the wedding...... im hoping. that sounds awful. my hubby has said we can stay as long or as short as i want/need. My siblings dont understand why my father is such a trigger for me so they think im being over dramatic. Im just trying to focus on my niece and her special day. 22 just a baby to be getting married. Lol

Suzi
02-10-18, 10:42 PM
It doesn't sound awful at all.
Just so you know it's not just you and you aren't being irrational - I've just found out that my eldest sibling who I detest and who has a massive negative impact on me actually has been invited to my little brothers wedding on Friday. I can't not go, I have to be there but my mind's already gone into overdrive and trying to sort coping strategies and exit plans.....

(panda) (panda)

Paula
03-10-18, 10:37 AM
(panda) hugs for both of you. You’re both awesome people btw

OldMike
03-10-18, 11:02 AM
I agree with Paula you're both awesome.

Flo
03-10-18, 11:46 AM
Good for you both! Suzi, I take it your younger brother knows about the effect that your not very nice brother has on you? To be honest, I've been in a similar situation many years ago. Just be the lovely person that you are. There's no come back then. It'll be his problem if there's bad feeling. You're there for little bro not him. If it means leaving after the ceremony then do! If you feel strong enough to spend some time at the reception, even better. Try not to think about what might happen and just play it by ear. If you feel uncomfortable just slip away. The people who love you will understand, and if not then that's their problem! I'm sure you'll be fine.(panda)

Suzi
03-10-18, 01:36 PM
Thank you...

Lovely lady, how are you today?

Flo
03-10-18, 04:46 PM
Thank you...

Lovely lady, how are you today?I'm chilling now. We had lunch out - a nice little courtyard garden with fig trees and easy chairs. Like a little oasis! We went and got the chicken food, popped into Tesco and then came home. Doing nothing else 'til tomorrow morning! Have a restful evening love....xx

Strugglingmum
03-10-18, 05:30 PM
Thanks everyone. I will remember all you have said. Suzi I'll be thinking about you on Friday. Xx

Suzi
03-10-18, 08:12 PM
And whilst I'm looking round the university of South Wales on Saturday with our eldest I'll be thinking of you too... I know you can do it. You're amazing.

Suzi
06-10-18, 07:04 PM
I just wanted to let you know I've been thinking of you today, I hope you're OK and it's gone better than you were dreading.

Strugglingmum
07-10-18, 01:41 PM
So I went to see my gorgeous niece marry her handsome groom. They were beautiful and the love they had for each other shone out of them. The service was lovely.
Unfortunately the person I was trying to avoid insisted on stalking me all day trying to involve me in a conversation and throw accusations. It did dull the day for me as I was stressed and couldn't relax as I was constantly watching my back. My hubby eventually helped me slip away quietly and without saying goodbye to anyone. Today I am in bed in hiding from the world and pretty exhausted. But I got to go to the wedding and my kids enjoyed time with their cousins. That's positive. X

Paula
07-10-18, 03:10 PM
Well done hubby and well done you!

Jaquaia
07-10-18, 03:42 PM
You've done brilliantly (panda)

OldMike
07-10-18, 05:38 PM
Well done you did really well there (bear)

Suzi
07-10-18, 08:28 PM
You are AMAZING!!! I know how much it takes out of you - as do most of those who are here. You aren't hiding away, you are recharging. You have done something phenomenally hard. I am so seriously proud of you and hubby for helping you out! You really are fantastic!

Strugglingmum
18-10-18, 10:20 PM
Thankfully today when my dog was x-rayed her broken leg is healing well. We can start walks on the lead again. Still no mad tearing about on the beach but she will be so glad to get out for a walk again...... so will I!! She has cabin fever from being in for 3 weeks resting. Praying for a lovely morning to kick thru the leaves .

Suzi
18-10-18, 10:31 PM
Glad her leg is healing! Hope you get to go out and about for a slow and gentle wander!

Strugglingmum
18-10-18, 10:35 PM
Glad her leg is healing! Hope you get to go out and about for a slow and gentle wander!

She is a year old German Shepherd tornado. I dontbthink our first outingbwill in any way be slow and gentle(rofl)

Suzi
18-10-18, 10:39 PM
Ahh, we have a 18 month old Belgian Malinois called Crash! Hold on, will find a picture! Meet Moiya our 9/10 year old ex Romanian Street Dog and our bouncing bundle of chaos Crash - 18 months from Spain where he'd spent all 11 months of his life in what was essentially a concrete box with his brother Tango (They were Tango and Cash, but within 5 minutes we'd changed it to Crash which is the most adpt name for a dog in the whole world) who used to bully him! He's amazing - well they both are!

https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40653596_10155660897901179_325514020880646144_n.jp g?_nc_cat=109&oh=62b23b8446e38dc0305d1084d9b045cf&oe=5C415684

Paula
18-10-18, 10:53 PM
What a relief her leg is healing, they really are a worry, aren’t they?

Strugglingmum
19-10-18, 02:20 PM
2 miles this morning in the sun. Lovely wee break in for her.

OldMike
19-10-18, 05:24 PM
I'm glad her leg is healing and you managed to get out for a walk in the sun.

Suzi
19-10-18, 10:23 PM
That's great that you got out for a walk!

Paula
23-10-18, 07:51 AM
Hi Hunni, how are you and the dog doing?

Strugglingmum
24-10-18, 09:39 PM
Depression exhaustion has hit in. I'm struggling with energy levels but Katie(my gorgeous doggy girl) is good. Trouble is trying to keep her from cunning mad :P
How is the back??

Paula
24-10-18, 09:55 PM
Ermmmm, and that’s all I’ve got to say about that ;)

Suzi
25-10-18, 09:17 AM
How are you today lovely?

Strugglingmum
25-10-18, 10:54 PM
My CPN is off long term sick. I phoned mental health today to ask about seeing someone else as my anxiety is high and I'm back using some of my more unhealthy coping mechanisms. I was told that my CPN's caseload had been shared out and that I hadn't been allocated as I saw a psychologist and surely I don't need both.
Am I being too dependant and selfish? I actually broke down and sobbed for about an hour. I feel guilty for asking, weak for needing help and quite abandoned and not understood. Someone tell me to man up please and get my act together.

Suzi
25-10-18, 11:20 PM
I'm never going to tell you to "man up and get your act together!" I think you are well in your rights to ask for more. If you need the support then you need the support. Can someone help you to appeal their decision?

Paula
25-10-18, 11:24 PM
I’m not going to tell you to man up - because you are perfectly entitled to ask for the help that, up to now, the health services have accepted that you need. You’re not being dependent or selfish - in the same way a diabetic could need a diabetes nurse and to see a diabetes doctor, you need a CPN to support you in your recovery as well as a psychologist. They do different jobs ....... Please, lovely, call them tomorrow and insist

Strugglingmum
26-10-18, 10:19 AM
Waiting on the team leader phoning me.

Suzi
26-10-18, 10:53 AM
I'm really proud of you for calling. I know it's really hard to do that.

Paula
26-10-18, 07:17 PM
Did they call?

Suzi
26-10-18, 08:11 PM
I hope you've heard back from them and have the help sorted.

Strugglingmum
26-10-18, 09:12 PM
Of course no one phoned me back. I give up. I haven't the energy to do battle. I'll just have to do it myself. I've cut 3 times today. I'm devastated

Jaquaia
26-10-18, 09:16 PM
Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?

Strugglingmum
26-10-18, 09:17 PM
Yeah I've took care of them thanks

Jaquaia
26-10-18, 09:27 PM
Good. It's not good that you felt bad enough to do that but don't beat yourself up. You can get through this (panda)

Paula
26-10-18, 10:17 PM
(panda) oh, lovely, I’m so sorry today’s been such an awful day.

Suzi
26-10-18, 10:27 PM
Sweetheart if you need to get emergency medical help then please do get some from A+E lovely. I'm so sorry. Have you access to the crisis line?

Strugglingmum
26-10-18, 10:56 PM
Yes but I'm ok at the moment. Going to bed. Thanks all.

OldMike
26-10-18, 11:41 PM
(bear) (panda)

Suzi
27-10-18, 09:59 AM
How are you this morning lovely lady?

Paula
27-10-18, 11:12 AM
Did you get any sleep?

OldMike
27-10-18, 11:50 AM
Just popping in to see how you're doing (panda)

Strugglingmum
27-10-18, 07:01 PM
It's been a day. I have been driving myself all day so I can't think. It's been tough but no SH so far. I'm now exhausted so going to feet up with the hubby. Absolutely no appetite which causes friction as he wants to feed me but he's trying not to fuss and I'm trying to stay focussed on my family to keep me safe. Thank you all for your care and thoughts. It means a lot. X

Suzi
27-10-18, 07:57 PM
Well done for not harming lovely, that's really a huge achievement. (panda)

Paula
27-10-18, 09:08 PM
(bear)

Strugglingmum
28-10-18, 10:11 AM
Up and moving........with a lot of effort and encouragement from hubby. Etermined to make it to church this morning.

Jaquaia
28-10-18, 11:20 AM
You're doing brilliantly (panda)

Suzi
28-10-18, 12:43 PM
You are doing fabulously lovely! One step at a time.

Paula
28-10-18, 05:04 PM
How’s the day going?

OldMike
28-10-18, 08:09 PM
Just take it day by day (bear)

Suzi
28-10-18, 10:17 PM
Hope today's been a brighter one for you...

Strugglingmum
28-10-18, 11:50 PM
Today I won. No SH . Still here. Xx thanks for the encouragement. X

Jaquaia
28-10-18, 11:52 PM
Well done lovely. I know how hard that is (panda)

Suzi
29-10-18, 09:35 AM
So, so, so proud of you!

Paula
29-10-18, 10:03 AM
You’re amazing!

Suzi
29-10-18, 03:05 PM
How are you today?

Strugglingmum
29-10-18, 07:33 PM
How are you today?

I'm keeping as busy as possible. My kids are all home this week on holidays and my hubby is off too so plenty of people to keep me focussed. Had a little SH but not too much. Xx

Paula
29-10-18, 07:42 PM
Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?

Suzi
29-10-18, 10:13 PM
(panda) Have you seen our distraction threads here? Something different might help fight those urges...

Strugglingmum
29-10-18, 10:53 PM
(panda) Have you seen our distraction threads here? Something different might help fight those urges...

Yeah I've had a look. I've tried lots of things to try. I guess in my head it's better than OD which is what I really want to do

Strugglingmum
29-10-18, 10:54 PM
Are the wounds cleaned and dressed?

Yes Paula. I have to to hide them from everyone. X

Suzi
29-10-18, 10:59 PM
It is better than ODing, but lovely there has to be a better way lovely... Have you called the crisis team?

Strugglingmum
30-10-18, 12:37 AM
It is better than ODing, but lovely there has to be a better way lovely... Have you called the crisis team?

No. They are not interested unless you are actively SU. I never got a call back about my CPN so I'm not holding my breath for help

OldMike
30-10-18, 09:59 AM
(bear) (panda)

Suzi
30-10-18, 10:48 AM
Call them again lovely. You deserve the help.

Sweetheart if you are currently using sh as a coping strategy, then you are actively shing and so should call the crisis team....

OldMike
30-10-18, 10:53 AM
I agree with Suzi, you need help so please give the crisis team another call. (panda)

Strugglingmum
31-10-18, 02:12 PM
Appointment with an unhappy psychologist this morning. She is fighting my corner for a CPN to fill in while mine is off.

Suzi
31-10-18, 02:33 PM
It's brilliant that she is going to help you fight.

Paula
31-10-18, 07:42 PM
Good to hear. How did the appointment go?

Strugglingmum
01-11-18, 12:21 AM
Psychology is always tough. I'm exhausted when I come out but its good to get out the things in my head. I also have PTSD so we work a lot on helping me deal with my trauma and not let it control me. As I said.....exhausting (snooze)

Suzi
01-11-18, 11:10 AM
I hope you're giving yourself a recharging or pacing day today and being kind to you?

Strugglingmum
01-11-18, 07:55 PM
Out at the training centre all day today but now feet up, fire lit and a cosy evening. Xx

Suzi
01-11-18, 09:29 PM
What was the training on? How are you feeling?

Strugglingmum
01-11-18, 09:34 PM
It's a training centre ran by Action Mental Health. They run a variety of courses to aid recovery and help people to be able to work again. It is fantastic as all clients have mental health issues and the tutors are adept at understanding thst some days are more difficult for us than others. They also run personal development courses like stress management, confidence building etc. I feel very lucky to have been referred there. I'm doing a computer qualification, gaining experience working in an industrial kitchen and doing some personal development.

Suzi
02-11-18, 08:57 AM
That's brilliant! What a valuable resource!

Strugglingmum
06-11-18, 10:00 PM
Oh for a good night's sleep. I've tried all the usual. Anybody any ideas? I dream quite a lot and kick, punch, wriggle and basically do a work out all night. I wake myself up 6 -8 times a night and am often awake from 4:30 am. I know it's a common problem but anyone any suggestions.

Suzi
06-11-18, 11:18 PM
Meditation?
Good sleep hygiene?

Paula
07-11-18, 09:06 AM
(panda)

Suzi
07-11-18, 10:03 AM
How are you today? Did you sleep last night?

Strugglingmum
07-11-18, 10:32 AM
Yup I've tried meditation. I don't drink a lot of caffeine, try to wind down with bath, music, warmth etc etc as soon as I get I to bed although I'm exhausted my brain is still tumbling about. When I sleep I dream all night things connected to my PTSD.
Awake since 4:30. Psychology today so hopefully talking will help. Also see if any update on getting a CPN to cover while mine is off sick.

Suzi
07-11-18, 02:58 PM
Have you tried keeping a dream and mood diary? Does something like a particular piece of music make you feel calm, rested and safe? Could you put that going quietly on repeat?
Have you spoken to the care team about it?

Strugglingmum
08-11-18, 11:47 PM
Finally movement on getting a replacement CPN. (party) I got a phone call from team leader at 5:30pm to say someone would phone me tomorrow or Monday. ok so more days of waiting for a phonecall (really stresses me out) but something is finally moving. SH has been bad this week and getting motivated has been naff but made it to my training centre today.

Suzi
08-11-18, 11:58 PM
That's brilliant news! - OK not so much about the waiting, but the moving forward!

Paula
09-11-18, 09:02 AM
(panda)

Allalone
09-11-18, 09:32 AM
It’s good that you got out yesterday. Well done.

Strugglingmum
09-11-18, 07:28 PM
Waiting still waiting. It's going to be Monday now. My aggitation is off the scale at the minute. Desperately trying to stop my mood plummet. Didn't SH yesterday but twice today. I can do this I can do this I can do this.

Jaquaia
09-11-18, 07:52 PM
Yes you can (panda)

Paula
09-11-18, 07:53 PM
Absolutely yes you can!

Allalone
09-11-18, 08:26 PM
You can do it!

Suzi
09-11-18, 10:11 PM
Another one cheering you on!

Allalone
09-11-18, 11:18 PM
How have you got on this evening? Have you managed to keep yourself busy?

Paula
10-11-18, 12:22 PM
Hi, sweetie, how are you?

Suzi
10-11-18, 12:34 PM
Morning! :)

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 12:39 PM
Morning everyone. Been up since 4:30 and have been and got the shoppingvwithvthe hubby. All put away and feet up for now. More baking this afternoon. Safe so far today. Xx

Jaquaia
10-11-18, 01:11 PM
I popped to asda this morning and got ridiculously excited as they're selling tubes of red smarties!!! So I obviously bought a tube ready for making gingerbread reindeer at Christmas!

OldMike
10-11-18, 01:32 PM
I popped to asda this morning and got ridiculously excited as they're selling tubes of red smarties!!! So I obviously bought a tube ready for making gingerbread reindeer at Christmas!

They actually sell tubes of only red smarties! well you live and learn I must've been living under a rock for the past 50 years (giggle)

Jaquaia
10-11-18, 01:39 PM
This year is the first time I've seen them Mike! They'll make fabulous Rudolph noses!

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 02:07 PM
This year is the first time I've seen them Mike! They'll make fabulous Rudolph noses!

Ooooo I'll have to look out for them....not to bake , just to eat! I think me and baking are going to go our separate ways. Im only frustrating myself

Jaquaia
10-11-18, 02:17 PM
They were down the seasonal aisle in my local asda!

Suzi
10-11-18, 03:36 PM
OO haven't seen those either!

Allalone
10-11-18, 04:13 PM
What have you been baking? I love baking when I’m in a better frame of mind. I’m going to look for the red smarties too!

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 04:16 PM
I've been making a mess mostly!! Messed up my scones. Messed up my pastry last night..... now making a new batch. Think I should stick to rice Crispie buns..... mind you the way my brain is cat the minute I'd probably burn the chocolate. :P

Allalone
10-11-18, 04:22 PM
So you’re not up to doing Bake Off next year then?!:P

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 05:05 PM
Flip only as the one who hasn't a clue. Im choosing not to remember how well I used to bake before my brain turned to putty!
On the positive, my wind batch of pastry turned out properly.

Allalone
10-11-18, 05:18 PM
Well at least you’re baking! Are you baking for something in particular or just to keep busy?

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 06:03 PM
I have a supper to serve at a church meeting tonight. All sorted now. Just to shower and get ready and find my mono and happy face.(party)

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 06:04 PM
I have a supper to serve at a church meeting tonight. All sorted now. Just to shower and get ready and find my mono and happy face.(party)

That should have said mojo not mono. Good old predictive text

Allalone
10-11-18, 06:35 PM
Good luck. Hope all goes well. Take care.x

Paula
10-11-18, 07:55 PM
Be fun, lovely. Can I just say that I’m in awe of you for doing the supper. I haven’t been able to go to church in years (to busyand loud), and can only attend a Housegroup.

Suzi
10-11-18, 09:54 PM
Hope you have a lovely evening!

Strugglingmum
10-11-18, 11:46 PM
Thank you all. Home, tired but enjoyed getting out.

Strugglingmum
11-11-18, 08:46 AM
Always good when you sleep to 7am!!

Paula
11-11-18, 10:13 AM
(party)

Suzi
11-11-18, 10:53 AM
Woohoo! That's brilliant!

Allalone
11-11-18, 01:20 PM
That’s fantastic!
An enjoyable evening out followed by a good nights sleep, amazing.
Have you got much planned for today?

Strugglingmum
11-11-18, 04:28 PM
Having a lazy day today. Raging headache from tension. Trying to relax but not great at it today. X

Suzi
11-11-18, 06:23 PM
It's not "lazy!" It's "recharging"

Strugglingmum
11-11-18, 06:30 PM
It's not "lazy!" It's "recharging"

Sorry boss lady:P

Paula
11-11-18, 06:55 PM
(giggle)

Suzi
11-11-18, 07:35 PM
Sorry boss lady:P
Exactly. I will NOT have you put yourself down with "lazy!" It's very hard dealing with chronic illness of any kind....

Strugglingmum
17-11-18, 10:13 PM
One of those nights when loneliness seems to blanket you. Sitting with my husband but feeling so overwhelmingly alone.
So much going around in my head and dragging me down.

Allalone
17-11-18, 10:29 PM
Please remember that you are not alone. We are all here for you. Could you get rid of some of the stuff in your head? Posting on here? Writing it down? Or do you need a distraction? Or possibly a sleeping tablet and bed?!
Take care.xx

Suzi
17-11-18, 10:43 PM
Absolutely agree, post stuff to get it out of your head, check out the distraction threads, write poetry, stories or anything else... You are amazing and you aren't alone..

Strugglingmum
19-11-18, 01:11 PM
So with a list of things that need done....ie...washing , ironing, cleaning etc etc I decided that a walk with Katie (dippy canine child) was more preferable(giggle). 4 miles later she is still bouncing, I'm having a cuppa and studiously ignoring the mess around me. The call of the ironing pile is being drowned out by a bit of def leopard blasting. ...Feeling like a naughty teen.

Suzi
19-11-18, 02:26 PM
It's quite freeing not doing what you are meant to!

Strugglingmum
19-11-18, 02:30 PM
Yup but I've now put my mummy head on and am heading for the ironing pile.... unless of course I get distracted on the way there.

Suzi
19-11-18, 04:57 PM
I really hope you got distracted....

Strugglingmum
19-11-18, 05:40 PM
So today I walked the dog, stuck a load of washing in and then hung it up. Did the ironing and lit the fire.
I am finding it hard to get motivated. There are so many jobs around the house that I could be doing but I don't seem to be able to gather the motivation to do them. I'm sitting here, I'm not tired just no mojo. It's 2 -3 years since I first took ill. Prior to that I worked full time, did all around the house and still had energy to be mum, wife friend etc.
Do you think I've just got used to being lazy and use the fact that I've been ill as a reason to achieve very little. I haven't washed my face, brushed my hair or brushed my teeth.
Why can't I just do the damn jobs?

Jaquaia
19-11-18, 05:56 PM
You are not lazy, you're ill! Mental illness is bloody exhausting! Instead of looking at what you haven't done, look at what you have done. It's all about pacing. You're not superwoman, no matter how often you wear your knickers on the outside, so don't try to be! Go and get washed and brush your teeth and it may make you feel a little better (panda)

Suzi
19-11-18, 08:42 PM
Listen to Jaq, she knows what she's talking about!
Sometimes just breathing is enough.... Anything else is a bonus ;)

Paula
19-11-18, 09:46 PM
You are not lazy, you're ill! Mental illness is bloody exhausting! Instead of looking at what you haven't done, look at what you have done. It's all about pacing. You're not superwoman, no matter how often you wear your knickers on the outside, so don't try to be! Go and get washed and brush your teeth and it may make you feel a little better (panda)

This, absolutely this!

Strugglingmum
19-11-18, 11:59 PM
I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc.
He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast. He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better

Allalone
20-11-18, 12:55 AM
I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc.
He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast. He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better

Well done for telling him! It’s better that he knows how you’re feeling. He isn’t lumbered with you. He clearly cares and loves you. Don’t be down on yourself for not being able to do things around the house. You are ill, you need looked after too. Take care. Keep fighting.xx

Paula
20-11-18, 07:07 AM
Oh, I must have had that same conversation with my husband hundreds of times. He always tells me that, if he didn’t love me so much he would have left a long time ago. It sounds like your husband feels the same. Marriage is a partnership and part of that is taking the slack for your partner when needed. There will be times (if there hasn’t already) when you’ll need to take the slack for your husband. This is just his moment. And you’re not in the least bit inadequte - you spent yesterday walking the dog, doing the ironing, putting washing on. All necessary tasks and ones your husband didn’t have to do because of your work.