View Full Version : Loneliness *SU Trigger*
That’s really good to hear :)
If you can believe in yourself even a tiny %age of how much we believe in you then you'll be even more awesome than you are already!
Strugglingmum
01-03-19, 05:20 PM
Eekks!! As well as my Etsy shop I just opened a Facebook page as well to sell stuff to order. Only a small selection at present.
Baby steps towards hopefullly feeling useful and worthwhile again.
Trying to shrug off the label of being 'the sick one' or the 'unable to cope one.
OldMike
01-03-19, 06:19 PM
Just had a quick peek at your Esty shop, those baby clothes are brilliant, such talent.
Jaquaia
01-03-19, 06:32 PM
You're brilliant!!!
Its so sad when I read about people having a hard time believing in themselfs. Even more on this forum. Because everyone here is great one way or another but in more ways then one.
Your username is strugglingmum. And you could do with believing in yourself more. I am sure everybody here sees it differently as well as I do.
You are raising 3 kids. Thats not an easy task but you are giving it the best you got. I can read that from your posts. You opened up a shop on etsy and made your first sale. You are kind and caring to the people here.
I know struggle comes with how our issues grab us. But when i think of you its not strugglingmum that comes to mind if i needed a word to sum you up.
Your amazing. That through your struggle you still give it your all to do all this.
A very valid and well said post Mira! I completely agree...
SM, if you ever fancy changing the "struggling" to something more "super" just let me know ;)
Strugglingmum
03-03-19, 09:46 PM
Its so sad when I read about people having a hard time believing in themselfs. Even more on this forum. Because everyone here is great one way or another but in more ways then one.
Your username is strugglingmum. And you could do with believing in yourself more. I am sure everybody here sees it differently as well as I do.
You are raising 3 kids. Thats not an easy task but you are giving it the best you got. I can read that from your posts. You opened up a shop on etsy and made your first sale. You are kind and caring to the people here.
I know struggle comes with how our issues grab us. But when i think of you its not strugglingmum that comes to mind if i needed a word to sum you up.
Your amazing. That through your struggle you still give it your all to do all this.
Aw you made me smile (and tear up a bit Mira)
I'm only seeing this now as my internet has been playing up and I can't get connection in the house at all. I've been pouncing on any free wifi I can get!! (blush)
That's lovely to read. I do feel strugglingmum is a good name for me as I find parenting the hardest thing to keep working at and being a mum is the thing that has crumbled a lot since my illness. I do struggle to keep being mum. When the darkness sweeps over me I'm not a very good mum. It takes every ounce of fight to stay on my 2 feet and still be here for them.
However, it's a fight worth fighting and it's a fight I'm no longer willing to lose.!!
Jaquaia
03-03-19, 09:52 PM
However, it's a fight worth fighting and it's a fight I'm no longer willing to lose.!!
I can't love this bit enough!
I do feel strugglingmum is a good name for me as I find parenting the hardest thing to keep working at and being a mum is the thing that has crumbled a lot since my illness. I do struggle to keep being mum. When the darkness sweeps over me I'm not a very good mum. It takes every ounce of fight to stay on my 2 feet and still be here for them.
Yet this is the perfect description of being a great mum. Despite everything, you’re going through, you put your children and their well-being first. Despite struggling so much, all that matters to you is that they’re ok. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing for them, lovely
I can't agree enough with what has been said. I don't think you'll ever find a "good mum" who thinks they're a "good mum!" Every Mum I know can write a list as long as you like about their weaknesses or "failings", but ask them to write a list of the things they do well? It's a very different story and that's without the chronic illness guilt..........
magie06
04-03-19, 11:49 AM
There was a video doing the rounds recently about mum's and how they described their parenting skills. It was heartbreaking to watch it. But then they interviewed the children and the same question was asked. What's the best thing about mum? The answers were so lovely I was blubbering for ages. NONE of the kids saw the struggles, they ALL only saw the LOVE. It was a real eye opener.
We all struggle, but I think we all win in our children's eyes. Maybe we should listen to them a little bit more.
I can't agree more with Magie. Listen to your children. Sometimes it's best to ask them how they feel - there's nothing more honest than children.
I told mine that I felt guilty because I hadn't done xyz with them and they told me that they had the best thing in the world and that was hugs whenever they wanted them. Yes I proudly admit I sobbed for hours.....
Talk to them.
Strugglingmum
05-03-19, 05:02 PM
Unfortunately my daughter has a very similar view to me.
I broke her world, her security, her foundation. Everything crumbled when I fell apart.
My hugs are unwanted and refused as is any physical contact. She has other people in her world she loves enough to hug, not many, but some.
Hence her journey with CAMHs.
However. I know that in her way it is a defence from being hurt again, she just doesn't realise the damage she is doing to her own life by closing it down so much, trusting no-one letting no-one in.
Although it hurts like hell I let her know I love her and want to show her I love her. Refusal hurts but I need to leave the way open to her.
I remain hopeful that some day I will prove to her that she can rely on me again.
I guess knowing your mum tried to leave you by attempting suicide is a bitter pill to swallow but I cannot change that fact. We both have to move on.
magie06
05-03-19, 06:08 PM
It's difficult to rebuild trust. That's what's missing, and it can be rebuilt, it just takes time. You will get there.
Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?
Magie’s right, you will get there. She’s not quite as extreme but my youngest regularly rejects me. I was looking through some things just now and found a thread I entitled ‘Jess, again’, which speaks volumes. She hates that I have mental and physical disabilities and blames me. It’s so, so hard to deal with, especially when she tells me that we ‘just don’t like each other’ and have nothing in common. All I can do is make sure she knows I love her and hope she will come around in time. What I don’t accept, though, and neither should you is her being rude and disrespectful. I’ve raised her, given her a nice home and a good, loving family life. I’m there for everything she needs me for, whether she likes it or not.For that, I deserve her respect. And so do you
Strugglingmum
05-03-19, 09:24 PM
Have you thought about writing her a letter and telling her how you feel and how much you love her?
I have Suzi.
I wrote her one last year.
She refuses to talk to me about it. In her head she says the right thing.... I know its not your fault you got sick mum......I know you love me..... I don't blame you but her actions say the opposite.
Just recently she made a comment which shows we might be making headway,
She said ....I just had to grow up too quickly.
It's the first time she has openly admitted my illness has affected her.
I know we will get there eventually.
If ever she wants to talk she'd be welcome to create an account here and she can use the under 18's section.
Strugglingmum
06-03-19, 09:51 AM
I'm completely in a whirl this morning.
We have a Camhs appointment. My daughter dropped a brick on me today when she commented on her way out the door to school, oh yes I better remember my food diary.
Food diary! What food diary??
I remember last time they took her to weigh her and talked about her needing to drink more. My head is spiralling. What are they not telling me?
Her weight doesn't look bad. She is a nice size and shape. she does talk about friends who have been sectioned because of anorexia but she is healthy looking. Is she bingeing and purging? is she starving herself? My mind is out of control. I honestly don't know how to do this. I'm meeting her later at the clinic for her appointment and I'm totally in turmoil. Surely they would have to tell me if there was an issue with her eating, wouldn't they?? I know she is17 but that is still legally a child. I have messed this kid up so badly maybe they dont think im a fit person to tell. Maybe they phoned her dad and he is keeping it from me too. Maybe they are all in it together and I'm just the bad parent they tell nothing to because its call my fault anyway.m
Woah! Stop. Breathe. There could be any number of reasons they’ve asked her to do this and it may just be precaution. Right now you don’t know why so please don’t borrow trouble. I will say, that children aged 16 and 17 are presumed to have capacity wrt their medical treatment so they don’t have to tell you what’s going on - if they haven’t told you something (if there’s anything to tell) it’s got nothing to do with whether you’re a ‘fit person’ and it’s because it’s her right to have confidentiality.
Paula makes excelent points. Try to breath and take it moment for moment (bear)(bear)
magie06
06-03-19, 01:22 PM
What time is the appointment? What Paula said makes perfect sense. Take a few deep breaths, it may be nothing. But I know the worry won't go away until you talk to her. It's only another few hours until school is finished. Try to be kind to yourself until then. Thinking of you.
Paula's definitely right!!! I hope you've calmed down a bit by now hunni. If you have concerns talk to them at cahms about it - tell them your fears. It only works when everyone is on the same page so to speak....
OldMike
07-03-19, 05:42 PM
Paula is right she has the right to her own space, at 16/17 it is up to her whether she tells you or not. You may be worrying about nothing, have asked her about her food diary and why she is keeping one?
Strugglingmum
07-03-19, 07:13 PM
Its all a mess.
I had a psychology appointment today so talked a lot of it through.
Apparently I have to allow my daughter to self destruct if that is her choice to do so. Apparently at 17 she has it all worked out and has the right to choose harmful coping mechanisms.
Well I'm sorry but that's a pile of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear).
I see a hurt damaged young girl who is frightened, feels let down and abandoned by the one person she thought she could rely on and is lashing out in her pain against herself and the world.
Apparently that's not helpful for me to think that way.
Yep, that is a pile of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). Yes, at 17 it’s time for parents to start to step back and it’s right that she has the right to confidentiality, even from mum. But to allow her to self destruct with no input from you? No, no, no. She’s your daughter and needs you now more than ever.
What a load of crap! Ben's 18 and struggling, I'm by no way going to sit back and let him self destruct! Oh hunni, that's horrible...
Strugglingmum
07-03-19, 10:53 PM
I'm done. I'm tired I have nothing useful to contribute.
I simply said that I had concerns that I was not fully aware of all the issues that my daughter had and felt we could not be of any help if we didn't know all the facts. Ok i teared up as i was saying it.It was suggested that if attending sessions with my daughter was going to upset me then I was detrimental to her healing process as I was only piling guilt on her on top of everything else.
Feeling really (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) about it all.
I've really had enough. But yet I'm her mum. I love her. I guess letting go is all that's left for our relationship.
Fighting for her is apparently wrong and damaging.
No, it’s not wrong or damaging and I’m furious they made you feel this way. Is there anyone else you can talk to about it? That’s disgusting!
Strugglingmum
08-03-19, 08:05 AM
Talking to my psychologist helped calm me a bit.
She is going to see about family therapy. CAMHS are rightly all for my daughter but I feel they are weakening our family unit so she is looking for an impartial service that can help us find a way forward.
How dare they? That's the most unhelpful and total load of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)( swear).
I'm so glad you have your psychologist because to be fair comments like those could be enough to push any mother who is feeling bad anyway over the edge... What they have said is wrong. Fighting for your children can never be wrong.
Strugglingmum
10-03-19, 09:50 AM
Not sure if this is allowed so if necessary admin can remove.
Just wanted to share about a fantastic resource I have found to help with my anxiety.
It's an app called Mindshift.(it's free)
You create an account and log mood etc but there are fantastic helps for coping in the midst of anxiety. If I'm feeling anxious I can open the app and I can choose some coping strategies and do them right there with the app. It could be cyclic breathing or positive statements or grounding techniques. It is a really useful tool for me and if like me anxiety is a huge issue this could be helpful.
Jaquaia
10-03-19, 11:33 AM
Totally allowed! Might be worth sticking it in the self care section too lovely!
magie06
10-03-19, 01:56 PM
That sounds like a good resource to have at your fingertips.
Please do add it to the self care area! :)
Sounds good to me!....anything that can help with anxiety is a bonus.
Strugglingmum
12-03-19, 08:15 AM
We seem to have finally got our internet issues sorted.
Hopefully we have full service again.....I wait to be Impressed.
Anyway I have really missed being able to log on here whenever I wanted. I have been lonely without you guys.....and very struggling. :P
I've missed seeing you around! It's good to hear your internet should be fixed!
So glad you’ve got that sorted!
magie06
12-03-19, 10:20 AM
So glad that you will be able to post more frequently. You've been missed.
Strugglingmum
12-03-19, 06:30 PM
Went to the training centre today. I enjoyed being out and I was able to have the car so was nice to be a bit independent . Tomorrow i have my daughter's parent teacher interviews so I get the car for that too:)
The weather is getting really windy and stormy as we wait for Storm Gareth to hit. Last night our garden she'd blew down .... though to be honest I could have pushed it down with my pinkie , but it is where our cats spend a lot of time so they are spending more time in the house today..... which is annoying the dog!! (giggle)
Any way. Lovely to be back. I'm doing ok. I'm getting better at recognising when I need a recharge day and actually allowing myself to take it. I am so much better than I was but I also realise I still have a way to go. Progress indeed
Jaquaia
12-03-19, 06:43 PM
That sounds really positive!
Really great progress (party)
Sounds like massive progress lovely.
Strugglingmum
13-03-19, 05:08 PM
Parent teacher interviews today for and with my daughter. They went ok, her teachers are now aware how much her mental health is affecting her work but Have given her lots of encouragement that she can do really well if she can work at settling her anxiety.
Have cancelled plans for tonight. No spoons left and have my assertiveness class tomorrow at the recovery college so need to recharge to brave the return bus journey to the town. Thankfully I had left a chilli cooking in the slow cooker so dinner sorted.
Hope everyone is doing ok. (panda)
Well done lovely! Rest this evening!
So glad that they are aware of how bad things have been for her and are helping her x
I’m so proud of you for reserving spoons :)
Strugglingmum
13-03-19, 06:18 PM
I’m so proud of you for reserving spoons :)
Thanks Paula. I'm starting to work out the difference between
I can't do that (but actually can if I just give myself the push I need...the low motivation cant) and
I can't do that. (I seriously cant and will set myself back if I do and I and my family will suffer).
People don't get it, I no longer care. Xx
Jaquaia
13-03-19, 06:19 PM
You're absolutely awesome!
It’s a hard thing to learn - I’m not sure any of us have quite mastered it yet ;)
Pacing is so hard, and the hardest thing is to not to beat yourself up when you have to say "no".... I'm still learning along with everyone else. I don't know anyone who has it mastered....
Its true. I am as far away from an expert as possible. But a lot of people are. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. Your doing your best.
Hope today is going well lovely...
Strugglingmum
14-03-19, 10:41 AM
I got up as usual just after 6am but my bp must have been low. I ended up having to lie down on the kitchen floor as I was going to faint. anyway got them all sorted and went back to bed and slept. I have my course today. I want to go but I'm struggling with the idea of the bus. I'll see how I feel in a while as I'll have to go get the bus in under an hour. I know if I don't go I'll be disappointed
Have you seen the Dr about your BP? If you're feeling that ropey then maybe bussing and course may not be best?
I’m with Suzi, maybe rest and fluids is the priority today?
magie06
14-03-19, 12:18 PM
Fluids, fluids and more fluids. I know you will be running to the loo all day, but it's worth it not to be lying on the kitchen floor. The bathroom floor might be more comfortable!! (rofl)
Strugglingmum
14-03-19, 06:16 PM
Thanks guys. I actually bussed it and went but I am feeling awful.
Think I might be coming down with something.
I got off the bus, walked home , in the door and straight up to bed.
I'm coughing, aching, busting head and just feeling ropey.
Thankfully A is seeing to dinner for him and the kids. It smells good but I have no appetite....and that's saying something for me.
Ibuprofen taken, fluids beside me and electric blanket on. Have a feeling tonight will be unproductive.
Aww poor you hunni! I hope some tlc and rest will help you feel much better in the morning..
(panda) just what you don’t need right now. Big hugs, hunni
Strugglingmum
14-03-19, 07:31 PM
The brufen has kicked in so feeling a bit better and have eaten a little dinner.going to keep the fluids going and maybe prep for the morning so everything is done and I can lie in and they can get themselves out.
Sounds like a brilliant idea. Hope you're resting.
How are you today lovely? Feeling better I hope...
Strugglingmum
15-03-19, 11:17 AM
Morning all. Coughing and sore chest this morning.
Have obviously caught some old viral thing. Not feeling just so washed out today. Had a lie in. Got up had breakfast and sorted some washing. I haven't really done a lot since then. Dog is driving me mad as she is full of bounce and I'm Not!!
Definitely an easy day ahead. Little bits of necessary chores and feet up in between.
magie06
15-03-19, 01:54 PM
Take it easy. That's an order! The household chores can wait till you're feeling better.
Nothing is more nexessary than your health! Rest!
Strugglingmum
15-03-19, 03:35 PM
While I say chores, these involve machinery doing the hard work.
Putting on the dishwasher, loading the washing machine, ok I hovered but the dog hair was annoying me. (giggle)
I have lifted my crochet hook and done happy things so self care right there.
I hope you're resting and feeling even a little bit brighter.
Strugglingmum
15-03-19, 10:02 PM
Have been watching Comic Relief but I'm going to have to switch off. I'm starting to get triggered and down. It's late anyway so I'm going to bed. I enjoyed the four weddings and a funeral skit so I'm quite happy. See you all tomorrow
I can understand that - can you do something to help lift your mood a bit before bed?
Morning lovely, how are you?
Strugglingmum
16-03-19, 01:17 PM
Had a lie in. slept well until woke coughing this morning.
Have been just doing the necessary, bit of washing, tidying etc. A is away to his Alpha course today and is doing the shopping on his way home.
Got one of the boys to take the dog out for a couple of miles so I don't feel guilty that she hasn't been out. ive been taking it easy and trying to delegate. It's quite stormy here so I'm movie watching and going to get the crochet hook going soon.
Well done for pacing, hunni. Hope the cough is easing ...
It's really stormy here too! Horrible! Much better to stay in and keep warm!
Its even stormy over here. Has been for 2 weeks now. Hope you enjoy the movie.
Strugglingmum
16-03-19, 08:56 PM
A and I made the family homemade Chinese food. Takeaway not on the budget this week. I'm feeling a bit low in mood but I'm hoping its because I've been a bit rough physically and not my mood dropping.
I find now that my mood is improved a bit, I worry more if it lowers a bit. I start worrying about going back to where I was before. Is that normal?
Other than that I'm chilling. Enjoying hearing about all the cakes etc although I feel I'm putting weight on just reading them(giggle)
magie06
16-03-19, 09:10 PM
Those thoughts are perfectly normal. Each time I have a crisis, I expect a long stay in hospital against my will and experimental ECT being carried out on me. I know it's irrational, but it doesn't stop me having those thoughts.
My mood drops when I’m physically ill, too. I’m sure it’s that that’s affecting you. I hope you’ve got a quiet day planned tomorrow, you need to recharge ...... Worrying over going back to the worst is normal, hunni, but you’ve got coping mechanisms and support you didn’t have before - you’ll be ok
Huge hugs to all of you (bear)
Morning, lovely, how are you?
Strugglingmum
17-03-19, 11:06 AM
Still feeling rough. Not sure how much is physical and how much mental.
Didn't go to church but our service is live stream on Facebook so I can join in and listen and sing along.
A says he will give me a wave(giggle)
Live streamed? What a flipping awesome idea! Enjoy!
Be kind to you today, lots of rest and recuperation.
Thats nice, that its possible to follow through facebook.
Its always difficult to say how much is mental and physical. But one of the best things to do is being kind to yourself (bear)
I love that idea! I think I’ll have to pass that idea on to my church :)
Strugglingmum
18-03-19, 02:53 PM
I obeyed my husband and didnt set an alarm for this morning. He said he would get the family up and out. I slept until 12:30pm. :o
I'm not sure I'll tell him he was right...I needed sleep. anyway. I still dont feel great. Have done very little and im ready for back to bed. I just want everyone to leave me alone.
Glad you rested lovely. It's so important.
If sleep is what you need then sleep. But let hubby and the kids love you and look after you, even if you secretly prefer to be left alone. (panda)
One of my biggest problems when I’m ill is admitting my husband is right (normally Suzi too ;)) and the family can survive without me directing the troops. I hope today has helped you recup but, if you’re still not 100%, there is nothing wrong with doing the same thing again tomorrow ....
Strugglingmum
19-03-19, 01:50 PM
Hi all. Yesterday was a non-day. I think I slept 20 out of the 24hrs. However today I feel slightly better. I'm up and have dinner in the slow cooker and done some washing and ironing. I even went out and threw the ball around for the dog because I feel so guilty at not getting her out for her usual walks.
I have eaten and drinking loads as I feel very dehydrated. I'm still battling my mood a bit. Yesterday was really hard with my mood so sleep was welcome. Today I can see a bit of light.
All much more positive! Well done lovely!
Strugglingmum
20-03-19, 03:08 PM
What a day!!!
Started at 5:40am when my phone rang beside me on my nightstand. It was my eldest to say he had crashed his car on his way to work.
The car is a write off but thankfully he is not.
The front end was crumpled into a tree but he was not.
He has hurt his legs but he will heal.
I am so thankful that its the metal that is wrecked and not his flesh.
My heart hasn't calmed yet and I'm very emotional but he is sitting beside me on the sofa and he is breathing and his heart is still beating. I'm a blessed mummy. this one will take a while.
Jaquaia
20-03-19, 03:12 PM
So pleased he's ok! Huge hugs lovely (panda)
Pleased he's ok!....(bear)
(panda) I’m so glad he’s ok and safe with his mum. Big hugs to you, too, lovely, having recently had that call, I know how tough it is. I also know how amazing you are being to focus on what is, rather than what could have been!
Massive, massive hugs love. That's terrifying for me to read and he's not my baby!
You are totally right, as Marc (who worked in crash repairs) always says it's a hunk of metal and the soft and squidgy bit in the middle was OK.
OldMike
20-03-19, 10:35 PM
Cars can be fixed or replaced but those inside can't, the main thing is he's okay (bear) (panda)
How’s your boy this morning? How are you?
I hope today was a lot better for all of you.
Strugglingmum
21-03-19, 09:28 PM
Hi all.
Today has been so tiring. I had psychology this morning and then the last session in my assertiveness course. I'm feeling a bit flat to be honest but after yesterday I'm sure its related. My boy is ok. Aches and pains and starting to worry about a car but otherwise bored..... I'm thankful for Xbox today!!! Keep him amused.
I'm trying so hard to find the energy and positivity of a few weeks ago. I hate been so easily flattened.
I was just thinking today. Of all I have done in my 47yrs on this planet, fighting for recovery from this mental illness is definitely the hardest and most exhausting..... and I have done some tough stuff. Trauma psychology is the single most hateful worthwhile thing. I swear its love/hate relationship. I know it does me good in the long run and when I actually manage to spew out some hateful memory its a fearful relief but it takes every ounce of everything I've got.
Sorry that all sounds ungrateful. I'm truly not. It's just difficult.
That does not sound ungrateful at all. I think most here, if not all understand a lot about what you are going through. Its a journey, and not an easy one at that. But reading your thread and seeing how your last few weeks have been I can only say I am amazed at how you are going through with everything.
I know you are exhausted. And there where a lot of moments that where real stressfull. But I also feel you can be proud of how you are doing it.
Erm, "Easily flattened?" Sweetheart you've been through a parents nightmare! You're allowed to be struggling with it..
You don't sound ungrateful at all!
Difficult is understating it a bit, lovely. You’re getting things thrown at you from all angles yet you’re still standing. I think you’re awesome :)
Strugglingmum
22-03-19, 11:24 AM
Morning all!
I know. I know it's almost afternoon but I had a lie-in til 10:30.
It's stormy here today but I feel I really need to get the dog out even for a bit so going to hop up and head out and try blow some cobwebs away. Hopefully I'll not do a Dorothy from Wizard of Oz!! Although..... life with munchkins might not he too bad.
Though mine would say I'm more likely to play the role of wicked witch (giggle). See you all later.
The fight is on for another day. Chin up, power stance, summoning my inner Wonder Woman.
Strugglingmum
22-03-19, 06:01 PM
Yup. Wonder Woman disappeared and the wicked witch appeared.
Had a blazing row with my hubby and of course the kids take his side. I'm so totally over all this. Tried clicking my heels but it won't take me to Oz.
Ditto, hunni, there must be something in the air ....
Oh no! What about? Do you want to talk about it?
How are things this morning?......has everything blown over now?
Hope things are more positive for you today...
Strugglingmum
23-03-19, 12:28 PM
All vision no sound here. I feel like everything within me has shut down again. My brain can't compute and my emotions are completely gone again. I feel completely dead inside and disconnected. I can't stay here and keep making them miserable. I'm no longer fit to be part of a family. I went with A and did the weekly shop so they have food.
He is calling me by my first name....He never does that. I've broken everything. He has gone to play golf. My daughter is heading to her friends house and the boys will be fine.
I can't go with the numb feeling again but there is nothing there. It's like it has all curled up and died inside me.
Are you safe?
Sweetheart they need you.
What happened between you and your husband?
Strugglingmum
23-03-19, 12:38 PM
I don't even know anymore. I was making plans to get things done that were getting me down, next thing he stormed out.
When he came back he said I make him feel useless because I was asking other people to do the jobs. I asked him if he had the time, energy or inclination to do the jobs. He said no.
I said I was sorry if it made him feel useless but I'm trying to do something to make the place look better then I lost my rag and yelled he could do the damn jobs then. but something inside me died. He came later and said sorry. I said sorry for losing my temper but something has gone. I am completely shut down.
Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry, though it’s always horrible arguing with your partner and especially so when you’re already struggling. A loves you and this will blow over - you just both need to give each other some time to cool down and then talk about it. You’re not shut down, lovely, otherwise you wouldn’t care about feeling ‘numb’.
I completely agree. Right now you are both hurting. Maybe give it some time and then try sitting down just you and talk?
Hi, lovely, how are you doing?
OldMike
27-03-19, 09:25 AM
Just leaving these here for you (bear) (panda)
Strugglingmum
27-03-19, 07:02 PM
Thank you Mike. X
Strugglingmum
03-04-19, 01:33 PM
Just saying hi and letting you all know I'm doing a bit better. Hopefully normal service will resume shortly(nod)
Thanks for checking in xx
OldMike
03-04-19, 02:50 PM
Just saying hi and letting you all know I'm doing a bit better. Hopefully normal service will resume shortly(nod)
That's good to know, glad you popped in to give us an update (panda)
A belated Hi from me(hi). Glad things are looking up for you.
Strugglingmum
04-04-19, 05:27 PM
Psychiatry appointment today. Today's Dr was lovely. She didn't make me feel rushed and she listened. I'm starting a new AD so will see how that goes. She says it is also good for anxiety and for PTSD which I also suffer from so maybe this one will work better for me. I do feel like I've had enough today but with a house full of stressed teens and sick hubby I'm feeling very overwhelmed and pressured to stay as up as possible but I actually want to hide in bed. :)
OldMike
04-04-19, 06:09 PM
(bear) (panda)
Jaquaia
04-04-19, 06:18 PM
That sounds pretty positive on the whole! What are they trying you on lovely? The others may be stressed or ill but you need to look after you too (panda)
I agree with Jaquaia, I am glad to hear how you are doing. And you are giving it your best. Thats so clear. But take it easy. Take care of yourself too.
Strugglingmum
04-04-19, 07:17 PM
That sounds pretty positive on the whole! What are they trying you on lovely? The others may be stressed or ill but you need to look after you too (panda)
We are trying Setraline this time. I was on fluoxetine (which is in the same group) right back at the very beginning and it didn't really work but a lot has changed since then. Back then the depression was the worst condition but now my PTSD is the most troubling which then exaggerates the depression. I am trying to be positive about it and have stopped researching it online and reading the side effects! She did say my anxiety could definitely increase in first few days but hopefully my quetiapine will keep that under control.
It's definitely worth a go lovely.... Remember it will take several weeks to get into your system.
Strugglingmum
06-04-19, 05:55 PM
Started my new AD today. No nausea so far which I was dreading but do feel quite tired. But maybe that's just in my head. I went and laid down but I didnt sleep. My head is at full pace over thinking it all.
On a plus, today is nice and sunny here. I turned over the veg patch, which I had given a hard digging a couple of weeks ago. Turnip, carrot and cauliflower planted. It's been 2 years since I planted anything so just doing a few of our favourites for now. I have 2 other patches so if I feel very motivated I will dig those over and do the usual potatoes and onions in a few weeks. Content to have something in the ground anyway:)
Strugglingmum
06-04-19, 08:36 PM
Wow. Really enjoyed that wee school on BGT. Wish I had a teacher like that at school:)
Was chewing a toffee and pulled out half a tooth. Grrrr I hate having to go to the dentist.
Think they are going to have to extract the rest.
Well done you for getting out and planting!
I sympathise with the tooth, mine are in a terrible state.
Strugglingmum
08-04-19, 08:37 PM
Hi all. Hope everyone is doing ok. Can't get my tooth sorted til Friday so I'm hoping I might actually lose weight this week for weigh in(giggle)
I haven't been up to much. Did church twice yesterday but today have been doing stuff about home. Struggling with anxiety but think it's starting the new AD . I'm very jittery but not very focussed. Anyway. Hopefully will ease as I get used to it.
Its good to hear from you. To bad you have to wait till friday. Weigh in, may I ask if you are following a program?
It is very possible that its the AD's. I hope it will fade soon.
Jaquaia
08-04-19, 08:45 PM
I found that the second time I started sertraline it raised my anxiety but it passed in a couple of weeks
It's lovely to hear from you! Glad things are going OK. Hope that the jitteryness settles down...
OldMike
09-04-19, 08:07 AM
(bear) (panda)
I just came here to ask the same. You are in our thoughts (panda)
Hey gorgeous, how are you?
Strugglingmum
10-04-19, 07:12 PM
Hi all. Today has been a bit better. I'm not so jittery. I am also in better form. I have been tracking my mood on an app now for almost 2 months. I can tell that although not wonderful, it is more stable which is what I would like to aim for. Stability!!
I'm very boring at the moment and just keeping plodding through. There is a lot of teenage stress around the house at the moment. I have 1 doing A levels and 1 doing AS levels. Exam stress is kicking in as teachers are giving a last push before Easter hols as there is little time once they go back. My daughters technology AS project has to be finished for Friday and due to problems in sourcing materials through school it is nowhere near ready. We actually ended up purchasing materials for her to try and ease her stress. she is spending all her time on it and is falling behind in her other studies but we can worry about that after Friday.
We have tickets to go to the theatre tomorrow night. We are so exhausted and stressed that I wanted to give them away but my husband said we are going. He will probably sleep the whole time and I'll have to keep nudging him to stop him sniring(giggle)
We are going to see Ghost the Musical. I do want to go as I love the music and songs but its turned in to more of another thing to stress about rather than something to look forward to. I'm sure once I'm there I'll enjoy it. I'm getting my hair done tomorrow too so that will be nice. Anyway. Hope everyone is surviving and even enjoying their day. Xx
You are so busy I'm surprised you have time to breathe! I think you should go and get some relief at the theatre!
Strugglingmum
11-04-19, 05:22 PM
Got my hair done today. It's a different colour so it gives me a lift.
A came home form work exhausted so we are not goingbto the theatre..... he is already snoring. I hate wasting money so I'm hoping someone on fb will take up my offer of the tickets. Belfast is over an hour from us so if someone doesn't take them soon then they won't be used but however..... I will release that to the ether!!!
OldMike
11-04-19, 06:28 PM
It's a pity you didn't make the theatre, no matter there will probably be another time (bear)
OO What colour have you gone for?
I’ve cancelled everything this week except seeing my mum and having my hair done on Sunday. It’s definitely great self care - I’d love to see a pic??
Strugglingmum
11-04-19, 08:52 PM
I was a dark almost black with blue tint added. Today I am still darkish but a red/purples tint. The light isn't great now to see it. I'll take a snap tomorrow in the daylight.
Would you believe none of the men in my house (3 of them) have noticed my hair is slightly shorter..... ok why would they notice..... but its a different colour!!! (rofl)
Seriously!! Men!!! ;) my daughter will notice when she comes in.
Jaquaia
11-04-19, 09:12 PM
That sounds lovely!!!
My mother in law didn't notice when I went from natural grey and with hair half way down my back to purple and a pixie ish cut!
Strugglingmum
12-04-19, 10:36 AM
I did take a photo this morning but can't get my photobucket to open so can't share.
Anyway. I took action this morning to act on a course I did on Daily living and Daily activities. It suggested that you make your bed as soon as you get out of it so that you are less likely to crawl back in. It worked. By 7:30am I was out for a walk and actually managed to run a mile of it. I came home showered and breakfast. Now I just need to move off the sofa(giggle)
Dentist today. Not looking forward to it as my anxiety soars! And its not my usual dentist (who is used to my anxiety) as she is on holiday. However i need my tooth sorted so yanking up my big girl panties and getting on with it (probably after a few tears in the corner) hope everyone's day is bearable. X
Jaquaia
12-04-19, 11:29 AM
You've made me want to dye my own hair but I don't know what colour!!!
I always struggled with photobucket and now use IMGBB instead
Strugglingmum
12-04-19, 01:39 PM
Survived the dentist and it wasn't even as bad as I thought bit would be. No more rough bits in my mouth.Phew!!
OldMike
12-04-19, 05:05 PM
You've made me want to dye my own hair but I don't know what colour!!!
Blue, purple, pink, red, green the list is endless.
I suppose my hair (what bit remains) is a dark straw colour.
@SMum yup us men are not programmed to notice changes in hair styles or colour (giggle)
Good for you on planting up your veg plot, I've not bothered this year as potatoes were a failure last year with it being so dry.
Strugglingmum
12-04-19, 09:49 PM
Blue, purple, pink, red, green the list is endless.
I suppose my hair (what bit remains) is a dark straw colour.
@SMum yup us men are not programmed to notice changes in hair styles or colour (giggle)
Good for you on planting up your veg plot, I've not bothered this year as potatoes were a failure last year with it being so dry.
I didn't do potatoes this year. Just carrots cauli and turnip. Things we use lots of and a bit different than potatoes to try and keep my interest.
Whenever I look meaningfully at Si any more, he defaults to a hasty ‘hairs nice, babe’ just in case ;)
Jaquaia
13-04-19, 10:50 AM
(giggle)
Strugglingmum
13-04-19, 05:08 PM
Hi all. How has today been?. I got up this morning and straight out for a walk/ run. Ran an extra few feet today but now I'm aching but it felt good to not be sitting wringing my hands with anxiety and actually be able to motivate to do something. I've been on my new AD a week now. It's early days but I do feel a bit more stable but its too soon to say.
I've been busy with laundry today as the Sun is shining and a Gale is blowing. Good drying day. Just brought my 3rd load off the line and I've done the ironing and have a lasagne ready for the oven. I have also taken time to sit down and i have eaten properly.
Do you remember me saying I didn't like the community mental health worker I had been allocated while my CPN is on sick leave? Well she has left so I have an appt through to meet a new person in May. Hopefully it will go well and I'll be able to talk to her. Ultimately I hope my CPN comes back soon.
Kids are now on holiday for Easter so stress is reduced for now although they will both have to be working over their break. My eldest has finally stopped limping and his leg seems to be healing well from his accident. I'm scared to say it but would be nice for a few carefree days. (bear)
I hope this continues, lovely :)
I hope you get those carefree days!
Your post sounds really positive.
Strugglingmum
15-04-19, 09:35 PM
Hi all. Isn't the fire at Notre Dame just heart breaking. Hundreds of years of history and architecture just gone.
Today has been exhausting. I went to the training centre but I can't shake off the fatigue today. I came home and straight to bed for a sleep. Got up. Ate and back to bed again.
I'm not sure if its still getting used to new meds or just one of those things.meds taken and ready for sleep again. X
How are you feeling this morning?
Strugglingmum
16-04-19, 12:47 PM
Feeling a bit better for a nights sleep. Up and away to the centre but starting to fade a bit now. I'll get through today and that's me finished at the centre til after Easter. 2.5 hrs to go.
Do you have plans for over Easter?
Strugglingmum
16-04-19, 09:44 PM
We are heading to the North coast for a couple of days as that is My happy place. I love listening to the Atlantic crash onto the shore. My mood isn't great in fact had an anxiety attack today. Hopefully as this new med gets into my system things will improve. However I am keeping A in the loop about my mood.
Jaquaia
16-04-19, 09:46 PM
Hope tomorrow is a better day (panda)
Allalone
16-04-19, 09:57 PM
It’s great that you’re talking to A about your mood. Well done.
Take care hun.x
I’m proud of you, gorgeous :)
I'm really impressed that you are talking to A about everything. That's a huge positive.
You are doing the best you can. Thats so good. And keeping people close by in the loop is great. It gives the other person a sense of being there with you instead of seeing you alone on an island. So even if it might not help us. It makes bonds stronger.
Strugglingmum
17-04-19, 11:46 PM
I'm still not sure how I'm feeling about this new med. I tire really easily and still get overwhelming anxiety at times. However i am persevering with it. Not a very productive day although I did go for a jog this morning with the dog.... that was a mistake!!! I'm a klutz and she is an even bigger klutz. Yup she tangled me up and I went flying.
One advantage of living in the countryside... no one to witness the disaster that saw me land in a heap with a dog jumping on my head. No damage done thankfully apart from to my relationship with my German Shepherd!!
Oh no! Are you OK? It's amazing how much it hurts when you fall over!
How long have you been on it? Are you taking it regularly at the same time?
Strugglingmum
18-04-19, 10:23 AM
I'm fine. A bruised knee this morning. (giggle)
I'm nearly 2 weeks on it so still early days. Take it everyday as soon as my phone reminder goes off. I'm being very good;)
Well done love..
Take care of your knee!
Strugglingmum
19-04-19, 04:31 PM
We have arrived at our guest house. It's lovely. Can't wait to get to the beach and see the waves. It's a bit overcast but dry. Windy but I can cope with that. 2 days no kids no dog no house. I've brought my crochet hook and A has brought his golf clubs.
OldMike
19-04-19, 05:27 PM
Sounds lovely if it's a choice between learning to play golf or learning crochet, crochet would win by a mile :) after all with crochet you do finish up with something useful/show something for your efforts in the end.
Does sound lovely (my 2 are bickering so I’m slightly jealous ;))
Jaquaia
19-04-19, 06:52 PM
Hope you have a lovely weekend
I hope you can enjoy it greatly, you deserve it.
Wow! That sounds idyllic!
Allalone
20-04-19, 08:02 PM
Hope you enjoy your weekend.x
Strugglingmum
21-04-19, 02:07 PM
We had a lovely couple of days away and my mood managed to stay fairly stable, only the one bad dip. plenty of beach walks and country park walks. Ate a load of rubbish I don't normally eat. Sure isn't that what holidays are all about. Looking forward to church this evening to celebrate Easter with our church family. He is risen. X
He is risen, indeed! Happy Easter, lovely
Strugglingmum
22-04-19, 08:56 PM
Bit of a meh day. I always feel guilty when the sun is shinning and I'm not out enjoying it. I've been catching up on washing etc and trying to crochet up some orders. A was out in the garden working and I felt guilty for not helping but I just couldn't settle outside. Anyway. Tomorrow we are going to a forest park with our church for a walk and picnic. I'll get outside then. Back to the crochet.
There’s absolutely no reason to feel guilty, love, and especially not for not working in the garden when you were working indoors....
Absolutely no reason to feel guilty! It's great that you have orders to catch up on!
I know what you mean, I would feel guilty too. But you did not stay in bed or watched TV. You did your thing. So indeed, nothing to feel guilty about.
Strugglingmum
23-04-19, 10:32 PM
Today was very peopley but I'm really pleased with myself that I chatted and enjoyed the day. About 100 people from our church went to a local forest park for a picnic. I actually contented myself to go on the walk and then sit with a group for our picnic. I did develop a tension headache on the way home but I lasted the day. My husband is talking about trying to get concrete delivered tomorrow for foundation's for a wall for our new patio. It will be all hands to the wheelbarrows for us. I'm nearly hoping they can't deliver(giggle).
Reading how busy you were yesterday, I hope they can't deliver today too!
OldMike
24-04-19, 08:59 AM
If it's moving barrow loads of concrete, I think I'd arrange to be out, you need strong young men for that caper ;)
Strugglingmum
24-04-19, 08:10 PM
Been a busy day with the crochet hook. Concrete was delivered and in. We had a fantastically helpful lorry driver who did as much manoeuvring as he could so there was minimal wheel barrowing. ..... phew!! Changed the bed today...yes I'm a slob and it's a job that often overwhelms me. But i can't wait to get into the fresh sheets tonight so it made me smile. A is still on hols so he helped me remake the bed which was a big bonus. The rain has started here....I guess the sun is over. On a positive I don't need to water the veg plot. (clap)
I really think that this new medication is helping and I'm feeling a bit more stable on it. I think I've another 10 days and then increase it.
Jaquaia
24-04-19, 08:32 PM
That's brilliant!!!
That’s so fantastic to hear :)
Strugglingmum
25-04-19, 07:01 PM
So this may make me sound very pathetic but it's honest and real. Since I took ill I have really struggled with conversation. I seem to have completely lost the art of small talk or just being able to be interested enough to want to converse with anyone for any length of time. Considering how much conversation was involved in my previous career I couldn't understand how I could think of absolutely nothing to say. I have spent so much time feeling so awkward because I have no conversation...and no real desire to get involved in talking to people. People have thought me rude, boring, stand offish etc. We have lost friends, acquaintances. I have lost the art of being a good friend. I i have 1 good friend who has stood by me but it feels like I am starting from scratch to try and make friends.
I think I am starting to notice a slight improvement. I can at least try and make an effort now. I'm nowhere near where I would like to be but a bit better. Not being able to have a conversation. Who would come up with this as a symptom of depression yet it has had a huge impact on my life.
Jaquaia
25-04-19, 07:09 PM
I've always been like that, at uni I had very few friends as I was so quiet and people put that down as me being standoffish. It's not pathetic at all (panda)
I don't think it's pathetic either!
Allalone
25-04-19, 08:49 PM
It’s not pathetic. I know where you’re at, you’ll get there hun. One day at a time, remember.
I’m chatty, friendly, outgoing, confident, exuberant. Until my mood crashes and I become the exact opposite. Except when I’ve got the strength to pretend, but that’s exhausting so I end up staying at home where I can just be itms.... I get it, hunni, and I lost a very close friend a few years ago because she couldn’t cope. All I can say is that those who can’t be bothered to look behind the mask to see that you needed their support, don’t deserve you in their lives
Strugglingmum
25-04-19, 10:16 PM
Thank you all for understanding. Xx
Paula's totally right once again....
I always want peoples approval. So my idea of doing that was make people laugh. Because i do not laugh when people i dont like are funny. So when everybody was laughing i thought I was happy but I was still miserable.
Today i went to germany with just my uncle. I was so scared. What to talk about? Oh no its a akward silence..... I should be at home alone watching snooker.
We all struggle. But we all try our best. And i might not speak for everybody but I notice when someone is silent and a little rude because they struggle or because they are rude.
You are one of those gems worth being around (panda)
How are you this morning love?
Strugglingmum
26-04-19, 11:04 PM
Hi all. Such a busy day with crochet orders... but its good. It gives me a focus.
Tonight I went with A to a social night in our church.
It was like a pub quiz....without the pub .... on music. Suzi i could have done with you!!
Anyway, our team won. I managed to pass myself and chat but I'm absolutely exhausted now. Why do I keep comparing myself to others and wish I could be more natural/normal/outgoing!!!! Anyway I don't think I was rude or standoffish so that's a bonus. Overthinking..... my nemesis! (doh)
Jaquaia
27-04-19, 09:33 AM
Yep! Right there with you!!!
Allalone
27-04-19, 10:15 AM
Well done for going and winning!!
As for overthinking isn’t that just another part of where you’re at right now? I know I do it, Jaq has said she does and I’m sure plenty of others on here will do too. You’ll get there, just think of where you were not so long ago and where you are now.......you’ve got you’re only little business going, taking your meds, talking to A. I could go on but I think you’ll get what I mean.
Be proud of where you are now and give yourself a massive pat on the back.
Well done hun.
Jaquaia
27-04-19, 10:31 AM
^^wss
You've come a long, long way since you joined and I'm so proud of you
I think you're awesome! To go to that social thing is so huge! Think about when you first joined here and think of the difference!
My ex MIL called me yesterday to see if I wanted to go to a quiz last night. I really couldn’t face it so you did better than me yesterday ;). You should be proud of yourself!
OldMike
27-04-19, 02:33 PM
Well done on going to the quiz and winning (clap)
Strugglingmum
27-04-19, 04:23 PM
Thank you all. Taking a bow and patting myself on the back. (clap)
Still a bit of a tiredness Hangover today. we went and did the shopping in the next town, came home, put it away and ive been on the settee since, in my blankie with the fire on, a movie and my crochet hook. Not moving today. (knitting)
OO What movie? Marc and I sat and watched a movie too - Men in Black 3!
I saw the trailer for the new MIB. Looks pretty good ;)
Strugglingmum
27-04-19, 11:52 PM
I'm a sop. I find a lot of movies hard to follow these days. I never used to but hey. Today was a movie recorded before Christmas and yes it was a sappy easy to follow romance.
This evening we watched one on tv. I got the gist of it but I was crocheting at the same time. It was called 'Ghost in the shell' I think. More As type of movie but yip it was ok.
I have been hard at it again trying to get orders ready. Starting to see daylight. It's brilliant for stopping my thoughts racing. Especially on such a wet windy day.
I'm so proud of you! You are doing so well!
Strugglingmum
28-04-19, 12:08 PM
Didn't manage to get to church this morning. Still not quite ready to people again but I did go for my walk/jog. Did my 4miles and managed to run nearly 2 miles of it. I'm slowly but surely getting there.
Jogging is as much about mindset and determination and to me it's a sign that my mindset is improving that I'm able to push through the hard bits and keep going. ..... it's been a long time.
OldMike
28-04-19, 02:29 PM
Well done you, I think a 4 mile walk is about my limit my walks are always punctuated by sitting on bench watching the world go by and chatting to any passing strangers.
Go you with your jogging! I'm still working on my treadmill, although have had this week off for various reasons!
You are working so hard!
Didn't manage to get to church this morning. Still not quite ready to people again but I did go for my walk/jog. Did my 4miles and managed to run nearly 2 miles of it. I'm slowly but surely getting there.
Jogging is as much about mindset and determination and to me it's a sign that my mindset is improving that I'm able to push through the hard bits and keep going. ..... it's been a long time.
My church is huge and I can’t cope with services. But I do go to Housegroup and see my Curate for bible study and friends from the church
Strugglingmum
28-04-19, 09:22 PM
So today has been a bit of a none day. But tomorrow is another day. My kids go back to school tomorrow but only for a week or 2 as they will be going off on study leave. I don't cope well when they are at home a lot.....that probably sounds awful but I get so anxious and out of my rhythm. Anyway hopefully I'll be ok as I will still be going out to my training centre.
Doesn't sound bad at all. It helps if you can get them into a routine too - exercise, revision, household chore, revision, exercise, revision ;)
Doesn’t sound awful to me
magie06
28-04-19, 11:30 PM
I'm the same way. I function better when I have routine. That goes out the window during holidays.
Why would that be aweful? You are not saying you don't love them. Or you do not want them around. We are all set in our ways. I just got back from my trip to Germany and need to get back into things as well. Love my routine..
You’re quiet, lovely, you ok?
Strugglingmum
29-04-19, 08:43 PM
Mira! hope you had a lovely holiday. welcome back. X
Thanks all. Nice to know i'm not the only one that finds holiday time hard.
I was at the centre today. I'm just so tired. I don't know why I haven't slept well over the weekend. I've had no trigger or anything but I'm dreaming wildly and clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth in my sleep. Going to try some meditation tonight before bed .
Has anyone seen the ad on TV for the Calm app?. It's 30 secs of rainfall. It's so peaceful and calming. I'm going to try find the app and download it. Maybe I could listen to that and see if it relaxes me before my meds knock me out.
Anyway, how is everyone doing?
My Jess listen to rain sounds all night - I know that helps her loads
Strugglingmum
29-04-19, 10:28 PM
If I had that playing in the bedroom all night A would sleep on the sofa. He'd be up to the loo all night(giggle). I can't sleep with earphones in. My ears get sore. Anyway I found the app. You download it for free but it looks like you pay for different amounts of access. I uninstalled it again. A recorded the Atlantic crashing on our fav beach as a surprise for me. I'm going to listen to that and A can turn it off when he comes to bed. Night all. X
I hope you had a good nights sleep.
Morning, lovely, how’s things?
Strugglingmum
30-04-19, 08:52 PM
Hi all. Haven't slept well so today has been a real struggle. My mood is all over the place and im a bit cranky and little appetite. I struggled through my day at the centre. Tonight I'm going to take a sleeping tablet as I have no centre tomorrow and A will get the kids up and out. Hopefully a good night's sleep will get me back on track. I don't know what has upset things but I know good quality sleep is something I can not cope without.
Today I got a phonecall from my daughter's school. They want to apply for special consideration for her for her AS level exams. When they said to my daughter she told them that if she couldn't achieve the marks on her own then she didn't want them. She wants to know that she earned every mark that she gets. I'm proud of her but also worry about her anxiety attacks affecting her exams. Anyway she excelled in her GCSE without it and she was in a worse state of mind. Hopefully she pulls it out of the bag this time too!
What an awesome kid you have! What do you think? Do you think she needs the support?
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