Loneliness *SU Trigger*

[Jaquaia]

Yep! Same conversation with J many, many times. He just tells me I need to try harder to get rid of him (giggle)

[Suzi]

I ended up just dissolving into tears all over my husband. Quickly turned to sobbing and me pouring out how awful I was feeling about being a weight round his neck and useless etc etc etc.
He said he had no idea how frustrated I was with myself and how low I was feeling about feeling inadequate and of no use to man nor beast. He listened and tried to reassure me that he loves me whatever. He is so so good that I feel so guilty that he is lumbered with me. He deserves so much better
He's awesome. He's also right.
However I've had the same conversation with Marc time and time again - especially when some other part of me breaks. BUT I can see it from both sides because he has said the same to me about him with his mental health and I can't tell him enough that actually I love him, all of him. Yes he does things that p(ss me off (snoring, leaving teaspoons balanced on the edge of the sink, falling asleep in odd places and then saying he isn't asleep all whilst snoring) and although I wish he didn't have to fight with the stuff in his head every day I absolutely adore him. He is the kindest and most lovely man on the planet.
You see, if it was the other way round for you would you stop loving him because he was poorly? What if you had a physical illness? Would you expect him to stop loving you?
Stop being so harsh on yourself.. Have you ever done the exercise where you find 5 things about you that you love (here we start with don't hate about yourself)? Give it a go....

[Allalone]

Hey. How are you? Not heard from you today. Thinking about you.xx

[Suzi]

Hope it's been a good day lovely.

[Strugglingmum]

Too shattered to even think of the New Year but hope you all have a peaceful start to the New year.

[Suzi]

Hope that means you're getting some rest in and being kind to yourself....

[Strugglingmum]

Hope that means you're getting some rest in and being kind to yourself....

I wish. Hasn't been a great week and I have absolutely no spoons left, in fact I think I'm in deficit if that is possible. However I have a lot of promises to carry thru on, including going out tonight.

[Suzi]

Hope you're planning on building in rest days love....

[Strugglingmum]

Unfortunately there is no time For rest days.
I realised today that I haven't taken my antidepressants for a week. I have no idea how to get back on them as I will have to build up dose again. I'm going to have to wait til I can speak to my gp later in the week to see what dose to start on. Actually don't feel like I want to go back on them at all. I was walking down the stairs today with my arms full and thought how easy it would be to just throw myself down them. Too tired for all this effort.

[Paula]

Sweetheart, not taking the ADs will have a huge impact on your mood and is probably why you’re struggling so much with everything right now. You have to get back on them. Please, please, please either call the out of hours GP service or go to A&E today. Please

[Suzi]

Oh no! Why haven't you been taking them? No wonder you feel so rough love. Please, please get to speak to someone today....

[Strugglingmum]

I'm sorry. Its just been easier to avoid. I think because of all that happened at Christmas and feeling so low I forgot a couple of days and it just got harder and harder to want to take them. I'm heading to the mountains for a hike with my family. Maybe that will give me a lift. I'm too tired to be bothered with Drs today. My Dr surgery is open tomorrow but my gp doesn't work on a Wednesday. Couple of days won't make much difference now. I'm well off them now and prob going to have to start on lowest dose if I go back on them. I'm too tired to have to think about doses and picking up prescriptions etc. I have enough meds to start a chemist.
If Gp knew how many tablets I had he would freak. I only get 7 days at a time but with the times I have forgotten them and now been off them I've got enough to get me started again at any dose.
I'm too tired to have Drs telling me off today. I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry.

[Suzi]

You have no need to apologise to us...
Can you call 111 for advice about restarting? If it's only been a few days then you might be ok to just restart at your dosage, but I'm not qualified - your pharmacist might have an idea?

[Strugglingmum]

Just saying thank you to you all. I'm so so tired and often forget to appreciate people who help me so just want you all to know how much your warmth has meant to me. Thank you to you all who have helped. I have valued you all. Xx

[Suzi]

We value you too... Just focus on you and getting you back on track love...

[Paula]

Completely agree - back you a priority, sweetheart. You deserve it

[OldMike]

Apologies not needed it so easy to forget your meds you need to have a specific routine so you automatically take them each day trouble is life throws a few curved balls at you and any system you've got goes out the window. Yup you are a valued member of this forum, first priority is you need to look after yourself. (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

I've been in town today with my daughter, promised I would take get for her phone upgrade before she goes back to school tomorrow. Its too late today to get to speak to my GP but I'm at Action Mental Health training centre so I'll try speak to one of them they'll maybe phone community mental health for me. I'm too knackered to go thru it at the moment. X

[Suzi]

Hunni, can I be blunt?
You may be knackered - and I totally get that as I'm pretty much at the end of all spoons - even the borrowed ones.......
But, no matter how exhausted you are, you HAVE to sort something to get you the help you need right now. Don't "try to talk to someone" tomorrow - make sure you DO talk to someone. Tell them everything honestly.....

[Strugglingmum]

Im sorry. I'll sort it. Xx

[Paula]

Again, don’t apologise to us. Although we really do care and worry about you, it’s not our lives that are affected - it’s you and your family. You need to talk to someone tomorrow (or tonight if you need to) for your own benefit, and that of your family. You are not going to get any better if you don’t take the meds you’ve been prescribed

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you all. Mike you made me cry. You're all so kind.

[Paula]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Sorry to make you cry, sorry to have been blunt, but we do care about you....

[Jarre]

Sometimes we have to be a little blunt to help push you into a beneficial direction and challenge your current thinking. How are you today?

[Suzi]

Hey you! Have you managed to get an appointment?

[Strugglingmum]

My mood has gone completely hyper tonight, to the point where my kids were convinced i was (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed as a fart (I'm not) completely sober but lay on the sofa laughing hysterically for 40 mins and unable to talk for laughing...at nothing??
I have no idea where my head is. I know I should be tired but I feel like I could climb a mountain, run a 10k. It feels like I have too much Buzz inside me to even want to sit down never mind go to bed lije everyone keeps telling me. I wrote really stupid messages on fbook that dontveven make sense. My family are all looking at me as if i have 2 heads and everyone is like..Just go to bed. My eyes are never going to close... I dont even know what to do with myself. I could go swim at the beach with Katie or I don't know just busy busy busy. If this is lack of sleep I don't think I ever Ned to sleep again.
They actually are taking it woRae me being energetic than me not able to raise a smile.m gotta live for the moment. Seize the day.

[Paula]

I thinkyour family is right and you should try to sleep. Do you have anything from the doctor that could help with that? Sweetie, please tell whoever you get to speak to on Monday about this episode. And, if you are not able to settle, would you please call 111?

[Paula]

Morning, sweetheart. Did you get any sleep? How are you feeling?

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

Morning, sweetheart. Did you get any sleep? How are you feeling?

Morning Paula. And Happy Birthday. A drove to our or Hours Gp at 1am and got me a sleeping tablet. I finally took it at 2:30am. I'm literally only awake at 11:30 and that's because Katie came up and jumped all over me whinging..... I think she thought I was never going to wake.
Anyway A communication and the sleeping tablet will be logged for Monday morning.
I can't believe a Dr gave him a sleeping tablet for me because I was a bit hype. I don't know what he must gave told them!!

[Suzi]

Sounds like it was a bit more than, "a bit hyper" hunni.
I'm really glad that A called and got you some help and that you have slept.

[Strugglingmum]

So one night's drugged induced sleep and i am back to being in the wide awake club.
Anyone fancy a midnight/3am swim?? Although the beach was Baltic earlier. Wondering if A would notice if I went out driving for the rest of the night. Wondering just how far i could get before they get up at 6:20?.
Would they even get up if i dont nag???????? Questions questions questions.
All I need now are some answers.

[Paula]

Hunni, can you get an emergency appointment with your doctor?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm at the training centre today. Have an appt with my psychologist later this afternoon.

[Suzi]

Hope it goes well, I hope you're going to be really honest - it might help to show them some of your posts from here?

[Strugglingmum]

Told my psychologist everything....I think. She is contacting my consultant to let him know where things are at and to take a lead from him re: meds etc.
She also contacted the community mental health worker assigned to me and explained how I was and what had triggered over Chistmas etc.
I then got a phonecall from this worker who asked a few questions about if this was a yearly thing, me going off my meds at Christmas and whether I was ready to go back on my meds and I said my head was all over the place. She said she would see me Thursday week but I was old enough to know the consequences of not taking my meds and if I wasn't ready to help myself then she couldn't either. She said, you know the advice if you Od you need to get checked out. If you cut yourself you're just asking for infection. So all in all I felt very supported after that conversation and I still don't know what to do about the hyper moods. My psychologist says they could be insomnia induced but also could be more(She didnt expand). I don't really know if I can do anything else but wait and see if the consultant replies to my psychologist. Anyway I see her next Monday.

[Suzi]

I hope you are going to ask to change worker and tell them the reasons why - how bloody dare they speak to you like that? I'm furious!
Call your psychologist and tell them what this person said to you!!

[Paula]

What??? That’s (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing disgusting and I’m furious for you! You should never, ever have to accept that sort of ‘care’

[Strugglingmum]

I'm too tired to fight them.
I asked for help and to be fair my psychologist did what she could including spending nearly an extra hour with me.
If my own CPN was around it would be different. To be fair this worker doesn't know me and I'm guessing hasn't deeply read my notes or she would know I'm not in the habit of just stopping my meds. She would know that I so rarely ask for help that it's a big sign to my CPN if I actually phone in. To be fair everything she said was true, No One can say that she was wrong in any point. Maybe a different way of putting things would have been nice.
My psychologist did suggest HTT again but I don't like stepping backwards. Anyway. A has insisted on a sleeping tablet tonight and I've agreed. Maybe a bit of sleep will help.

[Strugglingmum]

Sorry I know its weak to continually say I'm too tired and likely to earn me blunt words but I don't know how else to express how I feel. "I'm tired" just seems to cover it so well.
Sorry.

[Mira]

Hello, i hope you don't nind me posting in your thread. Like yourself I am tired all the time. And while its not the root of all my troubles being tired makes a lot of things worse. For years now I can sleep a lot and still feel exhausted.

What I wanted to say is you should never apologize for that. A lot of people here know what it is.

[Paula]

Couldn’t agree with Mira more - never apologise for being honest about how you feel. And it’s not weak to say you’re tired, It’s what happens when you’re in a constant battle with your own body and you’re a true fighter

[Suzi]

Also totally agree with Mira...
You are so very far from weak. This person should never be allowed near people who are so vulnerable. I'm livid! Could A put in the complaint on your behalf?

[Strugglingmum]

Thank you all for your support. Thanks to a tiny tablet I slept for 10hrs last night. I did have nightmares but I didnt awaken although I think A did move to the floor at one point as I was kicking him an wriggling so much. However i still feel tired and weary. Home alone today so taking it easy. X

[Suzi]

Glad you got some sleep lovely...
How are you doing now? Is A going to complain on your behalf?

[Strugglingmum]

My consultant has sent thru a schedule to restart my meds.
As I guessed I have to build up my AD again but he is happy to do it at a much quicker rate than normal as we know I have had no issues with them before.
I can just restart my antipsychotics as prescribed.
Plan is to restart tomorrow.

[Allalone]

That’s good news.

[Paula]

Well done for getting that sorted, lovely

[Suzi]

That's brilliant. Are you going to start them now?

[Strugglingmum]

The plan is fine but I'm finding it strangely hard to put them in my mouth.

[Suzi]

Why?

Have you taken them?

[Strugglingmum]

Truthfully, I don't know why it's so hard. It's like there's a block in my head against taking them.
I haven't taken them yet. I'm not sure if I will.

[Mira]

Maybe think of how they are not the solution for your troubles. But they are there to assist you. Just like a helping friend.

[Suzi]

Sweetheart, you know that right now you need to take them.... Can you call your team to talk things through with them? Or talk to A?

[Paula]

Truthfully, I don't know why it's so hard. It's like there's a block in my head against taking them.
I haven't taken them yet. I'm not sure if I will.

I wish you would see what we see - you’re such a lovely, lovely person and you deserve so much joy. You’re in so much pain now but there are ways through this - and meds are a part of that. You deserve to love yourself enough that you are able to take those meds, you deserve to see yourself as those around you see you.

[Suzi]

How are you love? Have you thought any more about talking to A?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok. My head is just in a bit of a meltdown.
I just keep putting things off. It's like, now I can't think about anything until my daughter's appointment is over tomorrow. But it feels like I already know I'll find some other read on to put it off after that.

[Suzi]

OK, I know you've got the appointment with your daughter today and I hope it goes really well... BUT I also think you need to talk to those around you in your medical care team and A about the fact you are struggling taking your meds.

[Paula]

Hi, lovely,hope the appointment goes well

[Strugglingmum]

Hi all.
As some of you know I've been really struggling since Christmas.
However all I really wanted to say is that over past 24 hrs I have phoned The Samaritans 3 times.
It's something I never thought I would need to do, its not even something I thought I could do but I just want you to know that if you ever feel like you have nowhere else to turn, these guys are amazing.
Prepared to talk for as long as it takes, No judgement, just a listening ear with a bucketload of compassion. They have honestly helped to save my life today. I'm not being over dramatic, just stating the truth.
I'm ok. I have plans in place to stay safe over the weekend and know I can phone them back as often as needed.
Sometimes we don't get the help from where we expected it, or should expect it from but if you are ever in that place please give these guys a phone.

[Jaquaia]

You're amazing. I want to volunteer as a listener myself when I'm in a better place. Keep fighting lovely, you will get there (panda)

[Allalone]

Hey. Just wanted to say how incredibly proud I am of you. Well done for reaching out. You deserve to be here. You truly are amazing. I've never said but I know how fantastic Samaritans are too. If you feel up to it try and have a chat with Ali. When we are both well we need to meet. Love you hun.x

[Paula]

(panda) well done, lovely, that takes incredible strength to make that call

[Suzi]

That proves that you want to live hunni. You can get through this. I am so proud of you for making that call. You are amazing.

[Strugglingmum]

Have kept so so busy today. Been to the town to do the shopping. Home, all packed away. The 5 of us sat down and ate breakfast together. When I came home from shopping they heard the porridge pot go on and just kept arriving. Every so often more oats had to go in and more milk!! Lol. Still nice to all have brekkie together, its normally teatime before we sit down together. Made a pot of potato and leek soup, a pot of spiced butternut squash soup and a quiche from scratch....yes I had a lot of veg to use up. Chicken roasting in the oven as it was a whooopsie in Asda and needed cooking today. dishwasher loaded. 2nd load of washing in. i am now shattered and my back is sore. Cleaning can wait a while. Going to see if I can get an hour nap. Do feel a bit on autopilot but have avoided suicidal thoughts by keeping moving.

[Allalone]

Sounds like you’ve got enough made to feed us all on here or at least 1 extra(mentioning no names...) *coughing ‘me’* lol
You could probably do with taking it easy this afternoon so if you can have a nap that would be good. Have you got plans for this evening? You’re doing well.xx

[Strugglingmum]

Had 40 mins nap. Up chicken out of the oven, dishwasher unloaded, refilled and back on, last load of washing on and just lit fire. Going to sit down with a cuppa now and watch tv (if there is anything on) and do a bit of crochet. Hands and mind busy.
I would post you some soup but it might get a bit cold on the way there(giggle)

[Allalone]

40 mins is better than nothing. It’s good you’ve got crochet to keep you distracted, I’m no good with things like that. I’ll heat it up when it arrives! We don’t even have deliveroo here so I can’t even suggest that!! I was going to take Ted out for a walk but just looked outside and have decided against it, it’s horrible here, windy and drizzly rain. I’ll sit myself back down!

[Suzi]

Wow, you've done so much - not surprised you needed a nap! I hope you're resting now...

[Paula]

Blimey, SM, I’m knackered just reading that! Do you think you’ll be able to take things a little easier tomorrow?

[Strugglingmum]

Not if my brain keeps going the way it's going. Just in from being out with Katie for 2hours. Finding it so hard to settle tonight and just want to be left alone.

[Allalone]

Not if my brain keeps going the way it's going. Just in from being out with Katie for 2hours. Finding it so hard to settle tonight and just want to be left alone.
Don’t be on your own hun. If you can’t talk to A, could you ring the Samaritans? Or chat on here for a bit?

[magie06]

I used to text the Samaritans when I was in crisis. They are brilliant and helped get me through a bad time. I have to agree, keeping busy is great and really helps keep horrible thoughts from your mind. Take care that you don't use up all of your spoons though, and try to rest as much as possible. When your mind is in turmoil, you need to rest and recharge as much as possible.

[Paula]

How was your night, love?

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm doing ok. Have spoken with the Samaritans early this morning just to try and get my head straighter. Have been busy busy all morning. Sunday dinner over, I'm going to try and nap now for a while. Have to go out later and need some spoons to do it.
By being quiet and not talkingbi have built the huge st wall between A and me but I'm too tired to even try and dismantle it. Maybe sleep will help. If I only sleep for an hour in the afternoon I tend not to hit nightmare stage so I set my alarm for1hr time. Whatever time I've managed to sleep is what I get. Here's hoping. X

[OldMike]

Wow so busy try not overdo things though try some distraction techniques like knitting, drawing, reading or things that don't need much rushing around. (bear) (panda)

[Jaquaia]

How about writing down what you want to say to him? It might be easier? (panda)

[Paula]

Why do you think there’s a wall, hunni?

[Suzi]

How about start with something along the lines of..

A I need to talk to you. I need you to listen and not judge. I love you, I need you to know that, but my head is in a really bad place......

[Strugglingmum]

Had a bit of a meltdown tonight.
My psychologist left me a message (on her day off) to say she is sick and won't be in tomorrow. She was poorly last week when i saw her but was struggling on. My meltdown was not about her but the realisation that the next mental health contact I have is on Thursday with my community mental health worker.
Anyway, I just really felt I couldn't do the next couple of days. I had myself kind of psyched that I just had to get thru the weekend and I would get some help and then realised there was no help coming. I hit such a low. I am now in bed as being around the family is just too much at the moment but i know that there is a listening ear on the end of the phone if i need. Told Samaritans tonight that I felt guilty for phoning them so much this weekend but the guy said it was more than ok and to keep phoning anytime I felt I could not stay safe.
Need so much sleep but so scared to sleep.

[Allalone]

Oh hun. Please try and talk to A. I’m sure he’d rather know so he can support you, rather than you struggling on you own. You’re doing the right thing by phoning the Samaritans, I’m so proud of you for doing that. Could you not phone your GP tomorrow? Keep fighting you’re worth it.xx

[magie06]

Can I just say that whatever you think A is going through, may not be as bad as you think. It was something similar to what I went through with my husband. I thought he had gone 'off' me, that he didn't find me attractive anymore and that we were heading towards splitting up. Turns out he was actually giving me space to recover and was afraid of aggregating my physical problems. It took therapy for all of this to come out, but we got there. And I know that you have the strength to get there too. Please don't give up.

[Suzi]

Hey hunni! I'm so sorry about your psychologist being off - especially with the rubbish worker you have too.
Right, I'm going to be blunt.
When Marc had his first breakdown I was terrified. I had no idea what was wrong with him and though that he was trying to tell me he didn't want to be with me/didn't want our 3rd one/hated living with me and our other 2/had found someone else etc etc etc When I finally broke down and actually talked to him and he talked back it really was so much easier for both of us to deal with - there were 2 of us, on the same page and fighting this beast together.
I asked him one night if he still loved me and asked him to be honest. He explained to me that he had loved me before getting poorly and that he didn't know why that would have changed but that at that moment he didn't know if he loved anyone or anything. It was the hardest thing I had heard, but I told him that it was OK because I loved him enough for both of us and that we'd get through it together.
Since then we fight his mental health and my physical health together. It really is much better and easier for both of us. I tell him when I'm struggling and having a low spoon day and he tells me when he's having a hard day. But we do it together.
What I'm trying to say is talk to A. Whatever you tell him isn't as bad as what he's thinking and at least you can fight it together. Fighting it alone and keeping everything from the man you love is so exhausting.

[Suzi]

Hey you, how are you doing?

[Strugglingmum]

this morning I have been doing my usual of busy busy busy to try and stop my head getting the chance to take over. in the midst of the frantic ' find something to do' I managed to do a job I have been putting off for a year but I know it will help now that I've done it.
Today I packed up the baby toys and put them back in the attic. I cried over every single one of them. The memories, the silly games and the cuddle times with the books. Its been over a year since they were played with and I knew it was time to accept that he wasn't coming back. My heart is so sore but I think the release of it all will help. Better to have been Nana for a little while than never been Nana at all. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

Anyway, cant move forward if there is too much dragging you back. having the toys out of sight will definitely help a bit. I'm trying to fill the space with something positive like my yarn stack. I think I've cried more today than I have in a year. Feeling fragile but yet a little bit stronger.

[Paula]

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry (panda)

[Jaquaia]

Crying can be cleansing (panda)

[Allalone]

(panda)

[OldMike]

(bear) (panda)

[Suzi]

Oh lovely, I had no idea... (panda)

[Strugglingmum]

(panda)


Crying can be cleansing (panda)
Yeah I guess it was today. The tap hasn't turned off for very long today. I might need you to pass me a drink to rehydrate. I hear you normally have one to spare.

Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry (panda)


(bear) (panda)


Oh lovely, I had no idea... (panda)

Thanks all. Definitely feel a bit better having faced up to it and getting it done. Plus I was home alone with the dog so I could just howl and let the tap drip and didn't have to put a brave face on for anyone...…. although my dog might need to go to see my psychologist with me.

[Jaquaia]

Seriously!!!! Suzi is rubbing off on all of you!!!!

Glad you're feeling better (panda)

[Suzi]

Glad you're feeling brighter ;)

Nah Jaq, it's just coz you're loved x

[Allalone]

Big hugs heading your way.(panda) You are an amazing lady.x

[Suzi]

Morning chick, how's you?

[Strugglingmum]

Just out of the hospital with my lovely mental health worker so feeling quite (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) to be honest. Heading to the training centre to try and keep busy. X

[Jaquaia]

(panda)

[Allalone]

Hey hun. Well done for going. I’m so sorry she makes you feel like that. Take care.x

[Suzi]

I really think you need to change support worker...

[Paula]

I really think you need to change support worker...

I do too, she can’t be helping, surely?

[Strugglingmum]

I do too, she can’t be helping, surely?

All I know is that I feel worse about myself when I come out than before I go in. I feel more suicidal walking away than walking in. Anyway, she doesn't need to see me for 5 weeks so plenty of time to over think!!
After 25 mins she said she was going to call it a day as I didn't seem focussed enough and she wasn't sure that what she was saying was going in. ..... I interpret that as..you're wasting my time.
She asked me what I had hoped to achieve from today's appt, I wasn't sure what to say and that seemed to frustrate her.
She said I was the only one who could help me by taking my meds, sleeping, keeping busy, making plans, not ruminating. I told her I was scared to sleep and that was also why I seemed to have a mental block about my meds as I knew they would make me sleep.
She said well I've let your consultant know you are non-compliant and your psychologist may not be able to continue therapy if you don't help yourself.
I asked her if she wanted me to cancel the next appointment if I wasn't back on my meds, she said that I was free to cancel any appointment for any reason but that she was prepared to see me.
So it's all down to me. All she said is true. If I can't sort me out no-one else can. Unfortunately I ended up SH this afternoon I get so crap.
I don't want to see her again but maybe I just don't like home truths. Maybe my own CPN has me spoiled as he has a way of helping me see the truth thru the fog and helping me make the right choices. I wish he was around. I wish my psychologist was around but I also wish I was stronger or could see my way thru.

[Suzi]

Will you please, please, please change worker????????

[Paula]

You are strong, please don’t doubt that. That doesn’t mean having someone make you feel like sh*t isn’t going to knock you, because of course that does. She needs to be encouraging you, not disparaging you ....

[magie06]

Every day, you get up, you get dressed and you eat and drink. That is huge when you are battling your mind every minute of every day. Don't ever feel like you are not strong.

[Strugglingmum]

Will you please, please, please change worker????????

I just feel it's my fault and not hers. I actually can't disagree with anything she said. I feel I don't have a good enough reason to ask for a change. They are so short staffed with staff sickness it's not funny. I feel like I would just be being a pain 8n the neck.


You are strong, please don’t doubt that. That doesn’t mean having someone make you feel like sh*t isn’t going to knock you, because of course that does. She needs to be encouraging you, not disparaging you ....
Maybe she believes in tough love. X


Every day, you get up, you get dressed and you eat and drink. That is huge when you are battling your mind every minute of every day. Don't ever feel like you are not strong.

Thank you.

[Paula]

It’s irrelevant, to a certain extent, how busy they are. Their duty is to you and your health and if someone is having a detrimental effect on your health, which she is, then it’s their duty to deal with it. And it’s not tough love, it’s bullying, plain and simple

[Suzi]

Sweetheart if you are coming out feeling worse then you went in then there's no point. It's not helping. You aren't being a pita at all. I had to change Marc's when he was in a similar situation. We can't work well with everybody

[magie06]

It's okay to ask to change. It's not being a bother or a nuisance. There are lots of people in this world and we can't get along with them all. That's just a fact.

[Strugglingmum]

My psychologist came back from sick leave yesterday and saw me this afternoon.
So,
She was a bit concerned about what has been going on in my head and some of the symptoms I've been displaying and just me overall.

She wanted me to go to HTT and I eventually agreed. I kept telling her I didn't understand why she was so extreme in her worry when cmh werent concerned.
Anyway she was back to back appointments all afternoon so she let me leave on the condition I stayed close to the hospital until she had spoken to HTT and organised a handover. Oh and that I gave her all my paracetamol.
I hung around the hospital until she phoned me and left me a message to go on home and she would phone me later.

Basically htt couldnt accept the referral from her solely as she is not my designated key worker that joy belongs to the lovely lady I so enjoy visiting.
Htt tried to contact my worker, couldn't get her so spoke to her team lead (who hasn't a clue who I am). He told HTT he would get her to step up the support over next few days to try and get me thru til my appt with my consultant next week. HTT phoned my psychologist and explained this but that they would step in at any time to support.
So my cmh worker is to contact me over next day or so to be supportive. My psychologist has basically said that if things are no better I've to phone her and she will get back on to HTT to take the lead. To be honest I've a feeling my cmh worker will be gutted that her boss didn't just agree to me going to htt and will want to send me there herself.
I don't want to see her but I feel I owe it to my psychologist to at least try so we can honestly say we tried but its not helping. My psychologist really goes above and beyond her role at times.. I'm very lucky to have her.
My psychologist is also talking about she wants my psychiatrist to reassess my diagnosis? ??? Not too sure what that is all about.
Anyway just thought I'd update you as to where things are at. I'm ok but I also promised my psychologist that I would speak to A tonight and try and explain where my head is and about my meds etc.

[Suzi]

Do talk to A.. It's something we've been talking about here too...

Are you changing worker? Did you tell your psychologist everything and how bad her support had been? Did you tell her what she's been saying?

[Strugglingmum]

Yip. Thats why she tried to go over her head and also why she has htt ready to jump in if/when I can't do it with her. She's too professional to say anything against her but I know her well enough now to see in her face how she is thinking. She also was able to log in to see what cmh had written about our last few contacts. She was not happy about some of the choices the worker had made as to how to proceed and her assessment of the risk. I feel more secure knowing she has my back.

[Suzi]

Good!

Are you going to talk to A?

[Strugglingmum]

That remains to be seen. I'm really peeved at him as he went among the missing for 3hours with no explanation why he's so late home and I'm too thran to ask. Of course I'm thran about everything this weather so nobody would notice:@

[Suzi]

"thran?"

Hope he's home and safe and well and that you two are able to talk things through..

[Strugglingmum]

(giggle)
Sorry norn Irish word.
Means stubborn.
E.g. he knows he is wrong but is too than to apologize. No chance tonight. He fell asleep on the sofa. I'm going to bed.

[Suzi]

Thanks for the translation! (rofl)(rofl) I like it!

Any chance of talking to him tonight?

[Paula]

What is your current diagnosis, lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

What is your current diagnosis, lovely?

Oooooo which one.. ??
At first I was severe depression then they added on general anxiety disorder.
After that they added on emotionally unstable personality disorder and dissociative personality disorder, however my psychologist says these 2 are not accurate and that all those symptoms can be explained by PTSD.
Now being off my meds for a month she feels that I may be bipolar. I was on quetiapine to help manage my depression and anxiety and now I've been off it she feels she is not sure my 'hyper' periods can be totally explained by insomnia induced mania which is what she initially thought. I'm also hearing things and sometimes seeing people who aren't there. I sometimes wish I could get my psychiatrist and psychologist in the same room to thrash it out between them .Anyway we'll see what happens when I see my psychiatrist next week.

[Suzi]

Sounds like they're just adding whatever they feel! I hope you get a proper answer lovely!

[Strugglingmum]

Lol. I'm thinking of getting a mental health conditions bingo card and every time they label me I'll cross it off. Wonder how long a full house would take(rofl)
And I don't mean to offend anyone if you think I'm being flippant but I am at the stage where if I don't try and laugh some of it off I can't carry the weight of it all and collapsing is too close at hand to allow that.

[magie06]

You are not offending me. I love your humour and I love the bingo idea. You could add some physical illnesses as well, and we could all join in! (happy)

[Strugglingmum]

Thanks Magie. But you do know our Irish sense of humour doesn't always travel well (rofl)

[Allalone]

I must have some Irish blood in me then.....because I get your humour too!! I’m sure you might have a line already, claim your prize now!!(giggle)

[Suzi]

You made me laugh with it too!

[Strugglingmum]

I must have some Irish blood in me then.....because I get your humour too!! I’m sure you might have a line already, claim your prize now!!(giggle)

I was wondering what sort of line you thought I had (angel)(think)

[Allalone]

I suppose it depends on what kind of line you like.....personally I prefer a straight one!!(giggle)

[Strugglingmum]

Still waiting on support from my cmht worker.

[Suzi]

Can you call them to chase them up?

[Strugglingmum]

Truly Suzi I don't see the point. I don't mean that in a 'woe is me' way. I just mean I logically look at it and if they can't support me then I'll just have to dig a bit deeper. I don't know that I have any more to dig into but it's just the way it is.
I just could have done with a bit of help and support to get back on my meds and to deal with my sleep issues. A bit of clarity on the best way to deal with my hyper episodes and how not to give into the bizzare urges I get when I'm in them as well. I know when I'm really low I can phone Samaritans and they have been fantastic but the hyper times I can do anything.
Maybe my appointment with psychiatry on Thursday will help with answers although on looking at it again it is with the SHO and not the consultant so not sure I'll get the help I'm needing.

[Allalone]

Phone your psychologist tomorrow. She said that she’d phone HTT and they would step in if CMHT weren’t supporting you in the right way. You need some support with this and you’ve said the psychologist is the one that’s helped the most. Please try and reach out to her tomorrow hun.x

[Suzi]

I agree! Are you back on your meds? (Be honest)
Have you spoken to A?

[Strugglingmum]

I agree! Are you back on your meds? (Be honest)
Have you spoken to A?

No to both.
I'm really struggling with my meds. I know I need them but my fear of them making me sleep is greater.
Have quite honestly not had a chance to talk and I know I'm isolating and holding him off. I'm a pure ostrich with my head in the sand.

[Allalone]

Well done for being honest. Tomorrow can you please try and make that phone call?

[Suzi]

OK can we take it back to basics for a while? Then move upwards as we go?

1) What is the fear with your meds?
2) How long have you been off them?
3) Why don't you want to talk to A?

[Strugglingmum]

1) I'm scared to sleep. Since getting hugely triggered at Christmas the nightmares have got much worse. I actually can't cope with keep reliving through my dreams.
2) been off since upset at Christmas
3) so much easier to play the fool than to have to face the fact that i'm in crisis and that my lack of coping with it is hurtling our marriage towards crisis. I'm actually thinking that his lack of wanting to talk about it either is because he doesn't care either way.

[Suzi]

1) There has to be a middle ground. Is there a definite plan as to counselling/psych to work through the triggers? What about coping strategies?
2) Are you thinking about starting them again?
3) Oh sweetheart I'm so sure that he is wanting to make things work and I'm sure that he is thinking something dreadful... Talk to him. I know what it's like to be on his side of the fence.. Try writing it out if it's easier?

[Paula]

I doubt that it’s he doesn’t care. It may be that he doesn’t know what to say to help you, which is why you need to talk to him, so he can help you.

[Allalone]

Hey. A cares about you hun, you’ve told me how much he means to you too. Please try and talk to him, he will be worried and probably doesn’t know what to say to you.

[Strugglingmum]

1) trauma work was going well and we were working thru things but with meeting Him at Christmas and all he said it really knocked things back. At the moment we can't get moving on anything because I am so unstable, because I'm off my meds, because of the trauma. Yup vicious circle and I can't break it on my own.
2) I know I need to get back on them and I want to but the fear of the nightmares when I sleep at the moment is clouding everything. Also because I am now chronically sleep deprived I'm having hallucinations which He is haunting which makes the fear worse.
3) I know. I need to sort it.

[Allalone]

(panda)

[Suzi]

Would you take a sleeping tablet?

[Strugglingmum]

Yeah I have before short term. They are not keen to prescribe for more than 2 weeks.

[Suzi]

I understand that, but lovely, you need some sleep....

[Strugglingmum]

I know. I'll try.

[Allalone]

Hey hun. How’s things today?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok. Bit flat but I'm still going. A just asked me if I'd taken my meds today. I said no. He asked why? I just said i forgot. I know perfect chance to talk butbi just cant be bothered getting into it with him.

[Allalone]

What are you afraid of? A will only want to help. Can you not take a deep breath and go and speak to him? You know theres also a chance he knows you’re not taking them? You have fought through so much to get where you are now, why not take the next step?
You have helped to get me to where I am. I would not have taken the step I did a few weeks ago without a nudge from you. Give yourself that same nudge or take one from me now.
Love you.xx

[Suzi]

Sweetheart can you get 10 mins on your own with him? Then take a deep breath and start with
"A I love you, I need to talk to you and I need you to listen, accept what I'm saying and not judge me. I love you and right now I really need your love and support. You know that I've had issues around christmas and this year it completely derailed me. I'll explain more when I can, but I need you to know that I haven't taken my meds since then. I can't explain it all right now, but I'm poorly and hurting and need your help to get better"

Or something...

[Paula]

AA has asked the question that’s been whirring in my mind. What are you afraid of?

[Suzi]

How are you doing lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

So. My psychologist phoned me and asked how it was going with cmht. She was annoyed to hear they hadn't been in touch with me. I told her at the moment I am just trying to make it thru til my psychiatry appt on Thursday and take it from there. talk about a mess.

[Paula]

What’s her plan then to get this sorted?

[Suzi]

What did she suggest?

[Strugglingmum]

She wanted to see me tomorrow but it doesn't suit me and to be honest I have nothing new to say. I know she just wants to check up on me and make sure I'm going to be ok til Thursday . She was phoning HTT to tell them that their plan hadn't materialised but to be honest the last thing I need is my cmh worker phoning me in a strop because someone's been on her back. I'm heading to the training centre tomorrow morning. I've almost finished my ecdl so I also need to decide if I'm going to stay and try any other courses. I know now isn't the best time to be making these decisions so may be they will give me a bit of time to work it out.

[Paula]

What’s so wrong with her just checking up on you? Surely it doesn’t always have to be a ‘how do we fix it?’ Session, particularly as you’re struggling to talk to A?

[Suzi]

How are you today?
Hope the training centre has been good - what did you decide about other courses?

[Strugglingmum]

I'm ok. Putting one foot in front of the other. No decisions yet about courses etc. I'm going to try and get my head sorted first.

Paula, as usual I'm worried about being a burden to her and wasting her time. I know!

[Suzi]

Would you try something for me? Each time you think you're "wasting someone's time" or "being a nuisance" or "being a burden" or anything can you try and stop yourself and answer with a DWD variation on the theme of WWJD? (What Would Jesus Do? For the uninitiated) I'm implementing... WWSS? What Would Suzi Say? If you think Suzi (that's me btw who is always right and has a framed certificate to prove it) would say that you would indeed be wasting someone's time then feel free to move on and not talk to that person... However if you think that Suzi (remember, framed certificate to prove I'm always right) might even a little bit say that you should take them up on their offer of help or an appointment then you are to do just that. Also when dealing with pretentious, stuck up workers who don't know how to treat people you can also use this really handy WWSS? Suzi would tell you to be polite and then ask them to leave so you can make arrangements for someone who isn't such a complete knobjockey to take their place - all with a smile on your face (and yes, I've done this too for Marc...)

OK, so WWSS??

[Strugglingmum]

Oh you made me laugh!!! Thank you.

[Suzi]

LAugh? I made you LAUGH??? I, my darling, was totally serious! :) (Good, I'm glad it made you laugh!)

[Strugglingmum]

Out tonight to help distract. Been in all day. Glad to be getting out and even to be among people for a change.

[Jaquaia]

Hope you have fun!

[Suzi]

Hope you have a brilliant time lovely.

[Strugglingmum]

Don't know what I've done but I have the most horrific pain in my lower back and right hip and groin and shooting down my leg.
I so hope it's not another visit from Mr sciatica. Haven't had a visit from him in a couple of years.
That's that extra weight I've piled on recently I bet. Blooming Christmas and no willpower.
Diet is back with a vengeance!

[Mira]

That sounds painful. Could it be wrong movements or perhaps stress? Thats what gets my lower backpain back real painful.

[Strugglingmum]

Pain a little easier this morning. My husband thinks its coming from higher up and certainly there is a point up between my shoulder blades on my spine that is aching now after he pressed it. He has a good osteopath so he is phoning today to try and get me an appointment asap.
How are you doing Mira?
Im heading to the training centre I attend today but I will not be working in the kitchen!!

[Paula]

I hate back pain, it affects everything :(. I hope you get an appointment quickly. Please rest in the meantime (bear)

[Suzi]

Sciatica sucks, I have that... (panda)
Please make sure you are being kind to it and you today...

[Mira]

Well i hope you got an appointment as soon as possible. I am on a roller-coaster myself. Trying to get some of ky hobbies going. Thanks for asking.

[Suzi]

How are you SM?

[Strugglingmum]

Back sore again today andcworse tonight. A forgot to phone osteopath so just taking painkillers as needed.

[Suzi]

Hope you can get in to see him tomorrow...

[Strugglingmum]

So tonight I had 6 people that I didn't know for dinner.
Yup I know.... nightmare.
It's an initiative in our church called Table for 8.
You sign up and are placed in a group with others and the idea is you get together for a meal or coffee or go bowling or something. The church is quite big so it's a way to help people get to know others.
A signed us up and offered us to host. I cooked an Asian buffet. The cooking was the easy bit, even the cleaning wasn't too bad.
But I survived. I actually had a nice time once the nerves settled and everyone had some food and they were all nice and we had a laugh.
A was happy. We used to host dinner parties a lot before I got sick so I think he enjoyed what used to be a very normal Saturday night for us.
I am proud of me to be honest. I'm knackered now. Ready for bed very soon.

[Paula]

I am soooooooooooo proud of you! That’s a HUGE achievement!

[magie06]

Ooooh! Well done!!! That's AMAZING! You really are a huge inspiration.

[Allalone]

Well done you!! I’m so proud, you are blooming awesome!!

[OldMike]

Wow that's brilliant, well done (clap)

[Suzi]

Wow! That's amazing! So, do you now go to other people's houses?
Sounds like fun!

[Strugglingmum]

Have been very wiped today but have managed church this morning and this evening but had a 2hr nap in between.
The thing with enjoying something as simple as having a meal with people is that it can cost so much for The next day and the day after etc.
Learning what is worth the cost and what isn't is a big part of living with any chronic illness and I think I'm just beginning to understand that.
Sometimes I get so frustrated at the things I haven't the energy or headspace for. I used to be such a whirlwind and a real force of nature. I saw nothing in my way and nothing was a task too big. Accepting that life is different now has been hard and tbh I'm not exactly sure I have accepted it fully. However in accepting that this is how it is now I also need to hope that it won't always be like this. It might never be what it was again but I need to hold on to the hope that it wont always be what it is now.
I am learning to choose hope. The alternative is not that attractive.... I know I've been stuck there a long long time.

[Paula]

I am learning to choose hope.

*beams from ear to ear*

[Suzi]

I am so seriously proud of you!!!! You are amazing!

[OldMike]

Very positive post there SMum we may not get things back the way they used to be but we can get to a better place (if that makes sense).

[Strugglingmum]

Appointment for the osteopath tomorrow. Although he does a lot of other therapies so he will do whatever he thinks best. A always gets some acupuncture when he goes. He also recommends a lot of natural remedies. I am a bit anxious about going as A has told him before about my mental health problems and he was keen to see me to try alternative therapies for it. I don't need any derailing at the moment , I'm just getting back on track. Will have to be strong and keep the focus on my back, although I have had alternative therapies for it before and its been great.
Sorry waffling. That's the anxiety letting me know its there.
I'm a strong mature woman who can say , "no thank you" I am, I am, I am.

[Flo]

Absolutely!!...go with your gut!

[Paula]

I completely agree with you, adding something new may be something for a time in the future, but now is almost certainly not that time

[Suzi]

I agree too! Go, be strong and stay on track x

[Strugglingmum]

Well i am well manipulated. A bit tender but in a different way than the pain before the appointment. He also did some general relaxation and showed me positions that naturally relax the body and cause you to breathe deeper and more effectively and therefore relax the body more. I also have exercises to do to help encourage and keep the new proper alignment. I had 3 issues in my pelvis, 1 at the lower end of my ribcage and 1 right up at my neck. I need to learn to relax properly ( no (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) Sherlock) he has shown me ways to do that so hopefully it Will keep my body in better shape.

[Paula]

One of those ‘it gets worse before it gets better’ moments? I sympathise, lovely, I’m surgically attached to my heat pad tonight ;). Rest up, hun

[Strugglingmum]

One of those ‘it gets worse before it gets better’ moments? I sympathise, lovely, I’m surgically attached to my heat pad tonight ;). Rest up, hun

Oh no. Poor you I really can sympathise. My sciatica was so bad I couldnt sit down. last night I had to sleep on my back with my right leg flung over A's back ( he had his back to me) and my left leg bent up at 90○. Needless to say it was a long night for both of us(rofl) ..... and draughty!!!

[Suzi]

How are you today lovely?

[Strugglingmum]

Lower back is good. Between my shoulders is achey but he said it would be. Otherwise I'm good. Feeling a lot more positive recently and hopeful.

[Allalone]

That’s so good to hear.
You are one fantastic fighter, be proud of yourself.x

[Suzi]

So pleased for you hunni...

How are you doing with taking your meds?

[Strugglingmum]

So pleased for you hunni...

How are you doing with taking your meds?


I am working up my quetiapine. Haven't even thought about my AD yet. Dr suggested starting with my quetiapine and taking it from there. I'm almost back to my full doseage of quetiapine so happy with that. my mood is ok. I'm a bit more stable so not sure if I'll restart my AD. It's well out of my system and my mood hasn't plummeted. Although if i want to restart trauma work I might need it. Anyway. That's for another day. ;)

[Suzi]

That's brilliant! Well done! I'm so glad the quetiapine has helped and you're taking it!

[Paula]

You’re being really sensible about the meds. Apart from anything else, throwing too many new/additional meds into the mix all at once means you won’t know what’s working for you.

[Strugglingmum]

Was away all weekend with our youth group. 61 11-16 yr olds and 20 of us mad leaders (some of us even have madness certificates!!)
Had a ball, lost my voice, found my sense of fun and stayed well.
Aim for this week is to stay well and do what I need to do to stay well.
Looks like it's been busy and interesting on here. Will catch up soon with everyone's antics but just wanted to say Hi to you all.

[Allalone]

Pleased you had a great weekend.x

[Paula]

‘Found my sense of fun’ - that is such a fabulous thing to hear (party)

[Suzi]

That's awesome!!!! So proud of you!

[Jaquaia]

That sounds awesome! Well done!

[Strugglingmum]

Got up at 6:15am to get everyone sorted.
My daughter had a migraine so I left her in bed. Got the rest sorted and went back to bed.
People I slept til 11:30am.
Can't believe it. Youth weekends obviously need a lot of recovery time(giggle)

[Paula]

Absolutely they do - after such awesomeness at the weekend, you deserve a lay in :)

[Allalone]

You obviously needed it!

[Suzi]

So glad you had a lie in! You desperately needed it obviously!

[Strugglingmum]

Feeling a bit blah today and really don't know why. There is no reason in the world for it.
Everyone is just irritating me and if I bite my tongue any harder I'll never be able to speak again.
Yet I know it's me. They are not being any more annoying than usual, my tolerance and patience are low.
I even started on A because 'All he ever does is look at his phone or sleep' .
I may need to go out to the garage and visit the punch bag, yet I don't feel angry just prickly.
I started knitting a jumper on Thursday, I've had to restart it for the fifth time now because of mistakes.... It's an easy pattern but not easy to rip back and pick up stitches so each time I've taken it right back to the band. :@

Grrrrr... darned mental health!!
Husband and 3 kids free to good home.... any home.....or cardboard box considered. :x

[Paula]

(panda) there’s doesn’t always have to be a reason, hunni. Can you curl up on the sofa with a book, or something, and ban them from the living room for a bit?

[Suzi]

I agree with Paula.. Not always a reason...

[Strugglingmum]

All the family still alive and well and haven't been rehomed.
I went out to church. Did me good and gave them a break!!

[Suzi]

Hi hunni, how are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

Was at the centre today and then met my daughter to run some errands. One of those busy busy days. Left home at 7:30am and arrived home at 6:15pm .
That used to be my norm and now I'm knackered!! Feet up rest of the night.
Washing machine has been ill for a while and is now truly dead. Hubby swapped buying me flowers for Valentine's day to a new washing machine instead..... I feel loved. Lol
Awk well worse things happen at Sea.
Form a bit better today. Maybe I'm too knackered to be prickly.
Actually as I write this my husband is sitting eating a magnum ice cream and I want to punch him for making crunchy eating noises.. Not as great as I thought(giggle)

[Paula]

Tbh, I’d have punched him for having a magnum when I didn’t have one (giggle)

So glad today’s been a little lighter

[Suzi]

I'm with Paula, I'd have kicked the crap out of him for that!

[magie06]

Rule in this house - no-one gets to eat anything unless they offer the same thing to everyone in the room. I thought this was A RULE.

[Strugglingmum]

Tbh it wasn't that he was having one and I wasn't, it was more the fact that he was making eating noise. I really am sensitive to it. Especially when I'm a bit fragile, tolerance and ability to block it out is low. I can't sit with people eating crisps, cereal, toast or anything crunchy. I actually feel like ripping it out of their hands and screaming at them viciously. Is it any wonder my kids call me womanzilla!! Although to be fair I have never given into the urge, I just remove myself..... speedily:x

[Mira]

My sister has that too. She needs distraction when people are eating. She can hear everything. So we normaly turn on the radio or talk a lot to help her not notice the eating sounds. I bet it can be distresfull at times.

[Suzi]

I hate it too!!

[Strugglingmum]

I'm tired today and still feeling a bit lower than I had been recently..
Anyway. At least I'm pushing myself to go out.
Was at my training centre today. Found it a bit hard but I just kept reciting in my head
Not my monkeys, not my circus.
It's permission to myself not to get involved in things that I don't have to, not to get drawn into others dramas. I find it hard as I've always tried to help others or been the one people look to when they want to gripe or sound off or someone to take their side.
Easy evening tonight.
I've booked myself a treat for tomorrow. Yesterday I was at the salon with my daughter getting her hair trimmed. They were advertising cashmere lashes for £20. It's been so long since I splashed out on a beauty treatment that it swayed me and I booked. I have short stubby eyelashes and when I was working I got them done regularly. Because I nursed I could never get my nails done so treated myself to lashes instead. I do feel a bit guilt for splashing out but hey..... this woman got a washing machine for Valentine's day!! I deserve a treat (giggle)

[Paula]

It’s self care, gorgeous, and definitely counts as important to your mental health as any medication :)

[Suzi]

Sounds like you deserve it to me!

[Strugglingmum]

A bit emotional today.
My daughter went to town with me today and even went to the salon with me to get my lashes done. Normally she would have stayed in the car. She has spent time just tailing me round the house today too. It's been so so long. (clap)

[Suzi]

That's awesome! How are the lashes?

[Paula]

That’s amazing! (happy)

[Strugglingmum]

Someone likened me to a Highland coo!!!:o

[Suzi]

How rude!!

How are you today?

[Strugglingmum]

I slept late....
. Yes folks I slept all night no nightmares!!
It's been busy but good today. Finally bit the bullet and kicked a bit of co fidence into me and opened my Etsy shop.
Should I sell nothing.... I put myself out there. That's a positive.
I've been so low past few days that it really cost me to dig deep but guess what... I'm stronger than I think sometimes.

[Suzi]

Woohoo!!! No nightmares is awesome! Sleeping late is also awesome!
I'd love to see your etsy shop!
You are totally stronger!

[Jaquaia]

Definitely want to see the shop!!!

That's huge lovely! You're brilliant!

[Paula]

That’s awesome news!!! (and another that’d love to see your Etsy shop ;))

[Mira]

I love browsing on Etsy. I would like to see yours.

[Strugglingmum]

aw thanks for your support everyone. Its all baby stuff. My shop name is CalandoniaCrochet.
It is definitely a step to get me feeling a bit more useful and more capable than I have been last couple of years.
I've told myself if it is a huge disaster it does not mean I'm a failure...people just don't like my stuff on Etsy.

Feel like I may need to make another mantra. :P

[Suzi]

Erm, link? As a regular forum member you can put a link in your signature if you would like to ;)

[Strugglingmum]

[URL="https://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CalandoniaCrochet"]

Thanks Suzi.

http://www.etsy.com/uk/shop/CalandoniaCrochet

[Jaquaia]

It's all beautiful!!!!

[Suzi]

Those are all so beautiful! I do think you might have underpriced yourself a bit though...

[magie06]

They are beautiful. I love the colours and the patterns. They look so soft and cuddly. Your tension is so even. Absolutely beautiful.

[Strugglingmum]

They are beautiful. I love the colours and the patterns. They look so soft and cuddly. Your tension is so even. Absolutely beautiful.

Thanks so much Magie. That's lovely to hear. (blush)

[magie06]

You have put so much time and effort into them, you should be told how good they are!

[Mira]

I am not joking. If I could fit in any of it I would order some.

[Paula]

Oh my, they’re beautiful (inlove)

[Suzi]

I love crochet and I know how much time, love and care went into those! You should be proud!

[Strugglingmum]

Have to say, felt pretty good going to the post office to mail my first order. It's real, somebody bought something I made.
What was really lovely was when I told my tutor at my training centre, he was grinning with delight he was so pleased for me and gave me a huge hug.
Otherwise my mood has been a bit all over the place but on the whole its been more up but the downs have been really down

[Jaquaia]

That's brilliant!

[Suzi]

That's so awesome!

Can I ask what meds you are taking atm? Have you started the anti d's again?

[Paula]

(party) hugely deserved!!

[Strugglingmum]

That's so awesome!

Can I ask what meds you are taking atm? Have you started the anti d's again?

I have worked up to my full dose of quetiapine but hadn't gone back on my ad because on the whole I am ok its just the bad dips.

[Suzi]

That's so brilliant! I am SO proud of you!

[Strugglingmum]

Started a course today at our trust recovery college on Assertiveness. It's 1 afternoon a week for 4 weeks.
It's been good so far and the other students are lovely. Hoping to get my head in a better place with regards to believing in myself.