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CaterpillarGirl
23-07-18, 10:18 AM
I feel very much like I could sleep all day at the moment if I didn't have responsibilities to get up for, it's worse now it's the summer holidays so I don't even have to get my daughter up for school (I don't work until the evenings) I only got up this morning to let the dog out for a wee, when I do get up I wake with a sense of dread for what the day might bring...

OldMike
23-07-18, 10:37 AM
My sleep patterns leave a bit to be desired I often fall asleep in front of the TV of an evening so end up going to bed in the early hours, mind you a lot of people my age (71) are prone to dozing in a chair in the evening.

CaterpillarGirl
23-07-18, 10:40 AM
My dad is always telling me that he falls asleep in front of the TV :) I actually find it really hard to sleep during the day once I'm up even though I feel constantly exhausted!

Suzi
23-07-18, 11:00 AM
Can you do things like plan a nice activity each day that's something to look forward to getting up to?
What about planning in walks and then it might help you sleep? Try some mindfulness?

Justchris
23-07-18, 11:12 AM
I can relate. I struggle to sleep at night but come next day I want to sleep the day away. I think that’s my old friend anxiety tipping his hat

Reading helps me to calm anxiety at night and coffee saves the day come morning!

CaterpillarGirl
23-07-18, 12:49 PM
I think it's a mixture of depression and anxiety for me, I could try planning things but I'm unsure if I'd actually go through with my plans and my daughter never wants to do anything! I have been out today though but only because I had to take my cat to the vets, I've never tried reading to calm my anxiety, I think because when I get really wound up I find it hard to concentrate on anything, I might give it a go though

Justchris
23-07-18, 04:34 PM
You went out, you got stuff done - that’s a win. Make sure you give yourself credit where it’s due!
Definitely a mix of both I think. Reading might not be right for you but I’d recommend you give it a go, engages your brain way more than tv and has the magical ability to take your mind elsewhere.

CaterpillarGirl
23-07-18, 05:51 PM
I love to read, did my degree in English literature because of my love of reading, I just never seem to do it anymore. I actually tried doing some reading earlier this afternoon but due to an incident of mixed up dates with some coursework I handed in my stomach ended up in knots and I couldn't concentrate (even after the issue got resolved)

Flo
23-07-18, 06:04 PM
Why not get some CD books and let someone else read you a story instead...then you can relax and enjoy it. I'm sure the 'book worm effect' will come back at a later date when you aren't as stressed.

CaterpillarGirl
23-07-18, 06:17 PM
That's a nice idea, not something I would have thought of, I'll give it a go

Suzi
23-07-18, 06:38 PM
We've a few members who use audio books to help them..

magie06
23-07-18, 06:41 PM
It took me a while to regain my love of reading. I couldn't concentrate and I just couldn't get into any book. I started small, reading short stories, and then moved onto teenage books that really didn't take much to read them. I'm still only reading chic lit, but I'm enjoying them all and there is loads of them about.

Justchris
23-07-18, 07:04 PM
That is a good idea. I might try it too, Iím thinking Morgan freeman as narrator

Suzi
23-07-18, 10:04 PM
I'm a firm believer in it doesn't matter what you're reading if you enjoy it!

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 10:29 AM
Hey guys, I know I disappeared for a few days, I've not been having a very good week and have been trying to talk myself into coming on here but I just couldn't bring myself to because I don't want to be a burden or annoy everybody (stupid right? Given that this is a forum for this exact thing, unfortunately I can't switch off that voice in the back of my mind that says "nobody cares")

The truth is, I've just had enough, of all of it. I'm sick of the smallest things being an accomplishment, taking the dog for a walk, washing the pots, the sort of thing everybody else does every day without even thinking about it. It's not fair, I want to be able to do those things without it being such a big deal, it shouldn't be so hard to tidy the house, or take a shower, but even though I really want to do those things I can't, because this massive weight comes down on me and I feel like I can't move and I just want to scream or cry or both.

I'm sick of feeling sick all the time, of the constant stomach pain and always feeling like I'm on the verge of tears, trying to avoid leaving the house because I'm worried people will talk to me or look at me and when I do leave the house (and only because I have to for work etc) I can't breathe, my chest gets so tight and my legs feel so weak and I just have to push through it even though all I want to do is break down and cry.

I'm sick of feeling like a terrible mother, a terrible friend, a terrible daughter, like I'm not good enough for anybody and they'd all be bette off without me. I've had enough of constantly arguing with my daughter or snapping at her, of being irritated by the smallest things and losing my temper over nothing. I need to deal with this but I can't, I'm still waiting for my counselling appointment and I still can't bring myself to make a doctor's appointment even though I know I need to.

I just want it all to end, I just want to feel normal again and I don't know what to do...

Paula
27-07-18, 10:54 AM
Oh hunni (panda). Youíre not annoying anyone and youíre not a burden. I care, I really do and I do understand how youíre feeling - completely. Lovely, the Ďsmallí things are usually the most important things to get right (making sure the dog gets walked is very important, for instance, as is self care eg taking a shower) and these are normally the first casualties in the battle against this illness. In my experience, itís often easier to put the mask on in front of the world than it is to convince myself to get off the sofa to make breakfast.

I very much doubt youíre a terrible friend, daughter, mother, this illness is really accomplished at whispering in our ear that we fail at relationships. Does it help to know it carries out that whispering campaign on almost everyone with depression? But itís just not true.

Sweetie, please, please, please call the doctors for an appointment today and print out this post to shows the doctor ....

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 12:25 PM
In a way its nice to know I'm not the only one going through it, at the same time though I wouldn't wish this on anyone! It's funny isn't it how we can go out and act like we're completely fine and nobody has any idea, the few people I have told always say things like "but you don't seem like you have depression" or "you always look like you're happy" and yet behind closed doors it's a completely different story! I really do want to make an appointment with my doctor because I know I need help and I'm not entirely sure how much longer I can cope with it all, but because I suffer from anxiety as well I just can't seem to bring myself to do it, and even if I did manage to make the appointment there's no guarantee I would go to it.

magie06
27-07-18, 02:02 PM
You need to see someone though. It's probably difficult at this stage to see your regular gp, (although they should have an emergency appointment system). If you can't see your regular doctor, please see someone.

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 02:11 PM
I know I do, I'm going away with family for a long weekend today after work though so it will have to wait until I get back

magie06
27-07-18, 02:17 PM
Enjoy your weekend. I was going to ask were you going somewhere nice, but you're hardly going somewhere terrible!! Lol.
Try ringing someone and have something in place for when you come back.

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 02:42 PM
We're off to North Wales (my mom, daughter, grandma are grandad are already there) my mums husband and I are making our way down later today because we couldn't get time off work, hopefully with this time away I can clear my head a little and try to enjoy myself *fingers crossed*

Jencl
27-07-18, 02:42 PM
Hi!

If you understand that it's hard for you and a burden of oppressive thoughts hold you back, painting your life in dark colors, don't keep silent. Not everyone can't handle this. There's a way out, but it depends on you whether you want to use it.

There are many options for overcoming your sufferings.

For example, many of us forget about that simple thing as... conversations. With relatives, closest friends, kith, colleagues and even strangers. Discover the world and open your heart. Let yourself set free. Just try for one time.

Not less effective remedy are medicaments. To buy them you can visit LINK REMOVED BY ADMIN. It hepled me in my time, so maybe it can help you too.

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 02:58 PM
My heart is pounding a mile a minute and I can barely breathe but I went in on my way to work and booked an appointment with my doctor... and it's all thanks to you guys on here being so supportive and encouraging *feeling proud*

Sissy
27-07-18, 03:01 PM
You are not alone with this feeling, and I promise you you are not a burden. I know that voice telling all kinds of garbage, and I have noticed how people who don't know the feeling personally may actually mix it with self pity. It's not like you had control over it, and that's exactly why you should talk to someone who knows how crippling it can be feeling that way. Hope you feel better soon.

CaterpillarGirl
27-07-18, 03:21 PM
It really helps just to hear other people say that I'm not the only one (even though on some level I already knew I wasn't, it's hard to let myself believe it sometimes)

Sissy
27-07-18, 04:13 PM
Because that's exactly what your depressed brain tells you. One of the things depressed mind tends to think apparently is that "no one else feel this (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ty because no one else is this worthless". It hurts, but remembering it is not just you, and what ever the condition tries to tell you is a lie, is comforting. Others have been there, feeling low and struggling, and still got better. So why not me? Some times other people manage to say simpliest things that actually can change so much. For me it has been my significant other and my kids. They may say things that really shakes some weight Off my mind, if I only take the time to pay attention to those things. My 11 yo son told me few days ago that "even if I could have the Best mom ever in the universe, I'd still rather have you even you sometimes are a handful". That's when Le dude said "luckily we got two hands". Rough translation from the sayings in our language. I really hope you get rid of the crippling thoughts and remember again how sweet things can feel.

smelly_steph
27-07-18, 04:16 PM
hope the appointment goes well!

I'm sure it will

Paula
27-07-18, 04:59 PM
Well done, hunni, Iím so proud of you!

Jaquaia
27-07-18, 05:09 PM
That's brilliant! Well done!

Paula
27-07-18, 05:16 PM
the few people I have told always say things like "but you don't seem like you have depression" or "you always look like you're happy" and yet behind closed doors it's a completely different story!.

It always makes me wonder exactly what weíre supposed to look like!

magie06
27-07-18, 05:37 PM
Well done. That's great news.

OldMike
27-07-18, 08:10 PM
Excellent, I'm proud of you.

OldMike
27-07-18, 08:19 PM
That is one of the thoughts depression gives me "everyone else seems to deal with life better and are much happier than me and no understands how I feel and why aren't I normal" which really isn't the case. On here you'll find people who really understand.

Suzi
27-07-18, 10:02 PM
(panda)(panda) You see, instead of hiding try to force yourself to come here and talk to us! (panda)(panda)

Suzi
27-07-18, 10:03 PM
That's great! When's it for?

Sissy
27-07-18, 10:12 PM
And remember. "Normal" is just a setting in your dryer.

Flo
28-07-18, 08:35 AM
That's quite an achievement...good on you!

Flo
28-07-18, 08:58 AM
I remember years ago when I was in a black cloud and I cancelled a lunch with a friend because I felt rotten. I explained to her about it and she said "you don't look the type that would be depressed"!.......I 'fake it to make it' a lot of the time. I think a lot of us do. Besides, what is normal? One thing I have learned is that EVERYONE has a skeleton in their cupboard and EVERYONE has issues and baggage. There are a lot of people too who are always bubbly and ready for anything. It could be that these people are like that because they have things they don't want to face. On this forum we're lucky enough to have each other and together we wade through the treacle when times get tough(bear)xx

Paula
28-07-18, 09:14 AM
How are you doing, sweetie?

Suzi
28-07-18, 11:57 AM
What are your plans for this weekend?

CaterpillarGirl
30-07-18, 02:45 PM
Hi, sorry for the late reply, I've been signalless in North Wales all weekend, my appointment is not til August 9th, the first date they had available, but it feels good knowing its there, thank you everyone for your kind words and support :)

CaterpillarGirl
30-07-18, 03:08 PM
Hey guys, I'm back from my weekend away, we had a wonderful time, went down a spooky mine, saw a Shakespeare play and we to an interesting museum. Thank you all for your kind words, I've only just had chance to read most of it, it is really nice to find people that actually understand how I feel, I get the feeling my friends just tell me they understand to make me feel better because they'll often say things like, "just give me a call when you're feeling down or come round" which if they really understood they would know I can't do (and I have explained this too!) anyway, I hope everyone else has had wonderful weekends too :)

OldMike
30-07-18, 04:08 PM
Sounds a really nice weekend away you had, spooky mine eeps scary, the museum sounds delightful too.

Me I went to a local Scarecrow Festival which was a fun Saturday afternoon, check out my thread "Mike's Patch" for pictures :)

Paula
30-07-18, 05:48 PM
Oooo what play did you see?

Suzi
30-07-18, 07:51 PM
That's brilliant, it's not too long to wait.... (panda)

Suzi
30-07-18, 07:53 PM
So glad you had a good time away!

CaterpillarGirl
30-07-18, 08:06 PM
The spooky mine was brilliant, my daughter was too scared to go in! And we saw 'as you like it' I only understood about half of what was going on but it was still really good :)

Suzi
30-07-18, 09:49 PM
Sounds brilliant!

CaterpillarGirl
06-08-18, 09:30 PM
I've had a handful of good days recently but then all it takes is one little thing for me to feel like the world would be better off without me in it, I just feel so hopeless right now, like I'm not good enough for anyone and I'm just a f***ed up mess so what's the point in even trying? I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up and deal with being me. I wish I could be somebody who didn't feel like this.

Paula
06-08-18, 09:45 PM
What happened, sweetie? Would it help to talk it through?

OldMike
06-08-18, 09:55 PM
I think we've all felt like that and wished we could be someone else who had a charmed life who just sailed along without a care in the world but life isn't like that. You are a very special person and the world is a far better place because you are in it.

CaterpillarGirl
06-08-18, 09:55 PM
It was silly really, I was having a bit of a crappy evening, my boiler is on the blink at the moment and I couldn't get hot water to wash the pots for the umpteenth time, then a shelf randomly collapsed in one of the cupboards (same thing happened a few days ago in a different cupboard) so I was a tad stressed when my fiance came home. Tried to tell him what was going on and he jokingly said "so you've broken the other shelf now" of course in my messed up state of mind I thought he was having a go at me so I got a bit snappy, this caused L to get mad at him too (he's not her real dad and she tends to stand up for me if she feels like he's upsetting me, which is good but she took it too far today) so he got upset and said he felt like we were ganging up on him and he went home (he lives 2 doors down from me, we share a back garden) even after I apologised for taking what he said the wrong way and getting my back up about it (he did accept my apology and said he loved me but he still left leaving me feeling inadequate) on top of that L decided to bring on the attitude for no apparent reason when I thought after that (and especially now I've explained things to her) she might be more supportive, I know it doesn't sound like much but it just made me feel really low to the point where I was thinking me and the fiance should take a break because I'm just no good for anybody right now

Suzi
06-08-18, 10:37 PM
None of that sounds silly to me at all! We're redoing our kitchen at the moment and it's total chaos. Today I've dropped a cupboard, smashed a glass and broken my previously really easy to break toe - my husband and son have taken the P massively... Some days it's ok and some it's not. I totally understand....

BUT you are more than needed, loved and wanted.... I promise you that.

Paula
06-08-18, 10:47 PM
(panda) sweetheart, itís not silly if itís upset you. I just hope that tomorrow is so much better than today for you

Suzi
07-08-18, 08:56 AM
How are you today lovely lady?

CaterpillarGirl
07-08-18, 10:28 AM
Like I want to crawl into a hole and not come out again... Roll on Thursday for my doctors appointment! I wish I knew what was happening with my counselling, it feels like it's been such a long time since my telephone appointment

Paula
07-08-18, 11:46 AM
Can you ring about the counselling to find out?

Sissy
07-08-18, 12:02 PM
Please don't give up. I understand how down you must feel to say that, but you will get better. I understand how uncontrollable those thoughts are, they come and go. But there the ponit is, when they come, try to remember that eventually they will go as well. Talk to us, we care. And we won't give up on you, and neither should you. I have also wanted to be someone else so badly... But Le dude told me "honey just be your self, every one else is already taken". It was eye opening. Even being me is sorta painful, he still chose to be with me. He ain't stupid, so I gotta be worth it. It goes for you too. We believe in you!

Suzi
07-08-18, 01:03 PM
Hey sweetheart, Sissy's Le Dude is right. I know you're struggling right now, but I promise you that you are needed, valued and that you can get through this... (bear) Can you call your Dr and see if there's a cancellation sooner? Call counselling and ask what's happening with that...

CaterpillarGirl
07-08-18, 09:20 PM
I'm feeling a little better now than I was earlier, still not fully myself (although am I ever these days? Sometimes I feel like the depression and anxiety have taken over my body and I'm just watching it go through the motions from somewhere else) had a pleasant chat with my next door neighbour/best friend this evening which we never seem to do anymore (the blame is on both of us, we just don't seem to make the effort any more, really must try to) which helped take my mind off everything, just been a bit out of sorts today as I only saw my fiance very briefly this afternoon, even though everything is sorted now my brain won't let go of it, there's not much point in trying to reschedule my doctors appointment but if I've not heard from the counselling by next week I'll try and ring up

Paula
07-08-18, 09:39 PM
Sounds to me that you need to do a bit of self care. That means things like, eating well, exercising, treating yourself, not beating yourself up etc (Mind have a great leaflet with lots of tips. https://www.mind.org.uk/media/4616615/understanding-depression-2016.pdf

I know we havenít known you long but it seems to me that you rarely put yourself first and you never think youíre good enough. If thatís true, can you try to challenge those thoughts?

Suzi
07-08-18, 10:35 PM
I completely agree with Paula. In fact she's said everything I was going to...

CaterpillarGirl
08-08-18, 10:00 AM
You are absolutely right, I never put myself first and I haven't been taking proper care of myself for a while, it's not like I don't want to I just struggle to get back into a routine once I've fallen out of it, I'm considering treating myself today when I pass through Manchester later, just haven't decided what that treat might be yet!

Suzi
08-08-18, 10:18 AM
What things do you like? Even something like nice bath stuff and then a long soak in the bath is self care -or go and wander round the shops or get a coffee or something....

CaterpillarGirl
08-08-18, 10:20 AM
I would love to have a bath but we only have a shower! I might just have a wander around the shops and grab a nice coffee, I might get a new book or something

Sissy
08-08-18, 11:33 AM
Treat your self with something you love. I got myself a book too, and I found it a great gift for myself. You deserve your gift!

Paula
08-08-18, 11:42 AM
Sitting in a coffee shop with a book always feels indulgent to me :)

Suzi
08-08-18, 03:32 PM
Sitting in a coffee shop with a book always feels indulgent to me :)
It does to me too! Actually curling up on the sofa with a book does too! Actually, just reading does to me! :)

CaterpillarGirl
09-08-18, 09:07 AM
I have my doctors appointment this morning so hopefully I get something sorted, I read for an hour last night before bed, it felt good :)

Sissy
09-08-18, 09:24 AM
I am really happy for you. Reading is great, and I hope your appointment brings something helpful to your life

Flo
09-08-18, 09:42 AM
Good luck at the docs CG.

Suzi
09-08-18, 10:24 AM
Hope it goes well lovely, don't forget to let us know how it goes...

Paula
09-08-18, 11:48 AM
Howíd it go?

CaterpillarGirl
09-08-18, 12:46 PM
I didn't want to clog up my summer adventure thread with this so started a new thread. My doctor is lovely, very friendly, helpful and understanding (I've already forgotten his name though and he wants to see me again in 2-4 weeks) he's put me on sertraline 50mg so now it's just a case of wait and see how it goes, I feel so much better now I've done it though and I know I'm one step on the road to recovery :)

Flo
09-08-18, 01:06 PM
Yes, you're on the road to recovery. The next time you see him will be much easier. The only way is up now CG, well done.

Sissy
09-08-18, 01:26 PM
Yay for the big step!

Paula
09-08-18, 02:48 PM
Thatís fab! Well done :)

OldMike
09-08-18, 04:48 PM
Well done CGirl :)

Strugglingmum
09-08-18, 06:20 PM
We'll done for picking up the phone, making the appointment AND turning up. Not just that, you shared your struggles and asked for help. That is all major major stuff. Proud of you. X

CaterpillarGirl
09-08-18, 06:32 PM
Well my appointment was about 20minutes late so I very nearly turned and legged it out of there! I am glad I managed to stick it out though, just hope these tablets work. Thanks everyone for your kind words and support :)

Jaquaia
09-08-18, 08:45 PM
Well done! Just give them time and be honest with your doctor. Some people find that the first one or two, sometimes more, aren't right for them but don't give up. It's trial and error and you will get there lovely. You've made a massive step today.

CaterpillarGirl
09-08-18, 09:33 PM
I've had citalopram before and it made me completely numb and emotionless, my doctor said he's had a few patients say that and sertraline has worked for them so fingers crossed! But if it doesn't work I'm not giving up, I will try something else :)

Suzi
09-08-18, 10:05 PM
I'm so amazingly proud of you!!!!! :)

CaterpillarGirl
13-08-18, 06:37 PM
As much as I hate myself on a daily basis I also quite like myself (if that makes any sense) I guess I would call myself quirky and a lot of people don't really understand or like me because of it (which is perfectly fine because I have great friends who do get me or appreciate me even if they don't and a fiance and daughter who are both just as quirky as me). The thing is, because I've had depression for such a long time, I'm worried that the parts of myself that I like could just be part of that and once the tablets kick in it might change who I am. I was just wondering if anyone that's on anti depressants that are working have found that they've changed the person that they are in any way? I'm sorry if this is a stupid question it's just that it's been so long I'm not really sure what's me and what's depression at this point

Suzi
13-08-18, 10:01 PM
Hey, I love quirky ;) I think we're all quirky - or as I tell my children often that they are weird, different, amazing and fantastic! Who wants to be "normal" or the same as everyone else?? Why try to be someone else, there is only 1 you and that's more than enough for you to be.
It's definitely not a stupid question at all... I can tell you how the meds have affected my husband if it helps? He's much more able to cope with the small things, the unexpected things and actually more able and willing to sit and listen, to mess about, to be creative and to go out of the house!

magie06
13-08-18, 10:58 PM
A notice that I read somewhere reads - Why try to fit in when you were made to stand out?
I think it's a lovely way to think about being 'slightly different'.

Paula
14-08-18, 08:20 AM
I think life changes us every single day. That includes any illness. I know I wouldnít be the person I am without depression and anxiety and, actually, Iím ok with that because Iím a stronger, braver and more empathetic person.

CaterpillarGirl
14-08-18, 09:45 AM
Thanks guys, I guess I'm just a bit nervous about what the medication will do, excited at the same time though! At the moment my anxiety is slightly worse and I slept shockingly last night but I know this is just temporary and they will kick in soon

Paula
14-08-18, 09:58 AM
(panda)

Suzi
14-08-18, 12:02 PM
I know I'm a very different person today to who I was before I'd had experiences that I've had and actually I'm good with that because I currently don't hate me...

magie06
14-08-18, 12:19 PM
I agree with what the others have said. I'm not the same person who I was before I got sick. My first stay in hospital was in 2010 and I really can't say if it was the medication or the life experiences since, that have changed me into the person I am now. I'm very grateful for everything I've been through, I think I'm much more in touch of how I'm feeling now. This has meant that I'm a lot more empathetic to those around me. I notice people more now. I also notice when people are feeling 'off' and I can start a conversation with them now.
Of course you will feel nervous that the old you seems to be gone, but the new you might be an improved you.
The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.
Try to live more in the now, tomorrow is promised to no one.

CaterpillarGirl
14-08-18, 04:23 PM
I guess it's just a case of waiting to see what happens, I feel like half my life is a waiting game! I'm just having a go at writing a story about L and the dog going through a magical portal, I might share it when I've done some more if I feel happy enough with it, I hope everybody is having a fabulous day

Paula
14-08-18, 04:43 PM
Iíd love to read it! :)

CaterpillarGirl
14-08-18, 04:47 PM
I've just finished chapter two (they're only short) but it needs some tweaking, I'll put it on tomorrow at some point. Writing the story has made L go out on an actual adventure with the dog, I love it when she still acts like a child, it doesn't happen very often anymore!

Suzi
14-08-18, 06:47 PM
That's so cool! Can't wait to read it! :)

CaterpillarGirl
15-08-18, 09:40 AM
Should hopefully be posting some of it on here later :)
Quick update: my anxiety has got worse at night so I'm still not sleeping well, it's only been a week though and I'm determined to keep going! At least I only work a couple of hours in the evening so it's not the end of the world being so tired all the time!

Suzi
15-08-18, 11:43 AM
Definitely talk to your GP about it lovely..

CaterpillarGirl
15-08-18, 01:57 PM
I have to make an appointment soon anyway so I'll speak to him then :)

Paula
15-08-18, 01:59 PM
When do you need to make the appt for?

CaterpillarGirl
15-08-18, 02:02 PM
Well I saw him last Thursday and he said 2 to 4 weeks so I was going to try and make one for next Thursday

Suzi
15-08-18, 03:48 PM
Good plan.

CaterpillarGirl
16-08-18, 08:48 AM
I slept a little better tonight, although I felt really ill at work yesterday but it only lasted an hour or so, I'm going to book the appointment later today on my way to work

Suzi
16-08-18, 10:06 AM
That sounds like a good plan lovely..

Paula
16-08-18, 01:05 PM
Good to hear

CaterpillarGirl
16-08-18, 06:10 PM
The nausea seems to be pretty much gone now and I'm not quite as tired, I couldn't make an appointment because the drs was closed this afternoon for staff training so I will do it tomorrow instead

Paula
16-08-18, 07:00 PM
Hopefully thatís the worst of the side effects over :)

Suzi
16-08-18, 10:30 PM
Hopefully things will now get better...

CaterpillarGirl
17-08-18, 08:50 AM
I really hope so because it has been a nightmare! Hopefully I can get that drs appointment booked for next week, last time the earliest they had was 2 weeks ago but with it being a review I'm hoping they can fit me in (they keep spots clear for stuff like that right?)

Suzi
17-08-18, 10:00 AM
Hopefully....

CaterpillarGirl
17-08-18, 03:03 PM
Well they don't keep spots clear for stuff like that, earliest appointment I could get was September 13th, at least it's booked though :)

Suzi
17-08-18, 10:17 PM
Exactly - you could always call on the day and ask for a phone appointment if you need it...

CaterpillarGirl
18-08-18, 01:18 PM
Definitely, I think the tablets should start kicking in soon anyway so hopefully I'll start feeling better

Suzi
19-08-18, 11:01 AM
How are you today lovely?

CaterpillarGirl
19-08-18, 04:50 PM
Not feeling great today but that's partly due to drinking yesterday, I'm feeling really irritable like I really just want to be left alone, the fiancť's mum came round earlier and I really didn't feel like dealing with that (she's a lovely person she just asks a lot of questions which I can't handle when my head isn't in the right place) she didn't stay long though now I'm just chilling out, I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow

Suzi
19-08-18, 06:15 PM
Give yourself some slack! Alcohol is a natural depressant, and you were out being social and probably didn't sleep as long as you should have done so don't be too hard on yourself!

Paula
19-08-18, 07:55 PM
^^^wss ;)

CaterpillarGirl
20-08-18, 12:49 PM
I'm having a down day today, I just feel really really low and have no get up and go, it's just taken everything I have for me to go and have a shower and brush my teeth but it's only made me feel slightly better, I want to crawl in a dark hole away from the world and just cry and sleep, I hate feeling like this but nothing seems to work to get me out of it

Suzi
20-08-18, 04:12 PM
Sweetheart you are going to have some blips along the way lovely... Try to be kind to yourself and if you need to snuggle and watch movies, then do that!

CaterpillarGirl
20-08-18, 07:12 PM
Work was so hard to get through today, I've come home feeling a million times worse, I've managed to get the tea started (honestly sometimes I wish I was the sort of mum who just shoved chicken nuggets and chips in the oven!) and wash the pots and wipe the sides, massive achievement for me on a day like this, normally I just leave it until the morning, still don't feel any better though. I told Lena earlier that I was having a bad day, came home from work noticeable sad and thought she might offer to help out or at least ask how I am and give me a cuddle, instead I got nothing, she's just watching TV, maybe I'm expecting too much from my 11 year old but sometimes her lack of empathy worries me as her dad was a lot like that and he was a really horrible person and I really don't want her to turn out anything like him :(

Paula
20-08-18, 07:31 PM
Sweetie, I have 2 daughters and I promise you that lack of empathy is definitely part of her age. Sheís pre teen and itís a taster of whatís to come in the next few years, im afraid. But, from what youíve told us, sheís a good kid and loves spending time with you so Iím sure sheís turning out just fine

CaterpillarGirl
20-08-18, 07:53 PM
Thank you Paula, that's so reassuring :)

Suzi
20-08-18, 09:00 PM
I have 3 children a son who is 17, two daughters aged 14 and 13.... I promise you that she's a good kid - you can tell that by the fact that she spends time with you and you are spending time doing things like geocaching ;)

CaterpillarGirl
20-08-18, 09:08 PM
Thank you Suzi, I question whether or not I'm doing a good job all the time and it's always nice to hear when people think I am :)

Suzi
20-08-18, 10:16 PM
You are spending time with her, she's being fed, clothed and entertained... .You're doing brilliantly!

OldMike
20-08-18, 10:55 PM
I can't really add anything to what Paula and Suzi have said, yep you're doing brilliantly, I remember being a teenager (very distantly over half a century ago) I was mean and moody (not in a good way) definitely a pain in the bum. I think it 's something all teens (and pre-teens) go through.

CaterpillarGirl
21-08-18, 09:18 AM
Thanks guys :) I'm feeling much better today (after an incredibly anxiety filled evening caused by me thinking my fiancť's ex was trying to get in touch with me and my fiance taking way too long to respond, turns out it was his friend' 's girlfriend, and me working myself up so much I convinced myself he was getting back with her!!) but I've woken up this morning feeling fresh and ready for the day (if not a little tired from being woken up in the early hours by someone's house alarm)

Suzi
21-08-18, 12:11 PM
So glad you're feeling brighter lovely....

CaterpillarGirl
21-08-18, 05:51 PM
I've definitely felt much better today but that awful throbbing feeling has returned in my ear :s

Suzi
21-08-18, 06:11 PM
Do you have issues with your ear?

CaterpillarGirl
21-08-18, 06:13 PM
Not normally no, although I work in a loud factory (only been here since May) so I guess that could be something to do with it

Suzi
21-08-18, 07:16 PM
Might be worth talking to your GP about it?

Paula
21-08-18, 08:33 PM
Iíd definitely see your GP, or the practice nurse.

CaterpillarGirl
22-08-18, 09:16 AM
I'll mention it to him when I see him next month, it's stopped again now, I'm just a bit ratty this morning, I'm hoping it will pass once I start my day proper, just having a quick brew and chill right now before I get ready

Suzi
22-08-18, 01:13 PM
How are you now lovely?

CaterpillarGirl
22-08-18, 03:17 PM
I went a bit shaky and light headed this morning, I feel OK now and I'm not ratty anymore, just really tired, having a coffee before I go to my dad's and then work. My magnets came today so I'm giving those ago, although it's a relatively easy day today as I was in the right frame of mind to spend time with my mum, I'm just having a bit of a panic that I'm getting behind with my coursework

Suzi
22-08-18, 04:07 PM
Do you and your Mum not get on well?

Jaquaia
22-08-18, 04:15 PM
I'm sure you'll be fine with your coursework. Suzi and Paula can tell you just how much I've panicked with mine, what I've found that helps is making sure I take regular breaks, keeping hydrated and making sure that I'm keeping my tutor aware of what's happening rather then trying to battle through.

Suzi
22-08-18, 05:19 PM
We can definitely vouch for that! You'll do more than fine I'm sure...

CaterpillarGirl
22-08-18, 05:51 PM
Do you and your Mum not get on well?

We get on OK, I just have some issues with her from the past that I don't know how to let go of and am unable to confront her about so if I'm in the wrong frame of mind when I see her I tend to get mad and be really irritable with her, I also feel sometimes like I don't meet her expectations and I'm not the person she wants me to be (although that part is probably my anxiety and depression talking)

I haven't spoken to my tutor about any of what I'm going through, it's an online course so we only communicate via email, it might be a good idea for me to talk to her about it, it's not something I'd considered

Jaquaia
22-08-18, 05:57 PM
Mine is through the OU so I only email my tutor but he's been absolutely brilliant

Paula
22-08-18, 07:04 PM
I think itís be a very good idea to talk to your tutor, and Iím sure youíll feel a whole lot better afterwards...

Suzi
22-08-18, 09:12 PM
Sweetheart, you won't be the only person who has felt like this and you won't be the first one to talk to your tutor about it...

CaterpillarGirl
23-08-18, 10:28 AM
I'm going to speak to her about it today when I send my assignment back in, I hope it goes well, I always worry people won't be understanding, I've seen it so much in the past

Jaquaia
23-08-18, 10:57 AM
I know that worry, but as an education provider they have a duty of care towards you. They aren't allowed to distinguish between physical or mental health problems. Even if you just make her aware that you may need extensions if you're having a particularly rough time, it gives you some breathing space.

What are you studying?

Suzi
23-08-18, 01:01 PM
Jaq's right, be honest!

CaterpillarGirl
23-08-18, 02:03 PM
So I used my magnets today to help me get on top of what needed doing and they have worked fantastically, I didn't get too stressed out and I even finished the things I wanted to do earlier than expected :) so my bathroom is now lovely and clean and my assignment is finished and handed in! I explained my situation to my tutor and sent her the email straightaway (No anxiety riddled minutes of should I shouldn't I?) so I guess the tablets are finally starting to have a positive effect. I'm feeling really good and am going to try and do some more work on my story, I just have a little bit of anxiety with regards to my tutor getting back to me.

And Jaquaia I'm studying to be a teaching assistant, what about you?

Jaquaia
23-08-18, 02:06 PM
I'm doing a BSc in Psychology with Counselling, starting my level 1 in counselling in February. :)

Well done on sending that email!

Paula
23-08-18, 03:02 PM
Well done, sweetie :)

CaterpillarGirl
23-08-18, 04:01 PM
Sounds interesting, my tutor emailed me back thanking me for telling her and saying I'm doing great :) today feels like such a positive day

Suzi
23-08-18, 07:02 PM
Woohoo! That's brilliant!! Well done on sending that email!

CaterpillarGirl
24-08-18, 10:26 AM
Well after a really good day yesterday I went to bed and my phone wouldn't charge (I know it's not the end of the world but it felt like I can't possibly have a good day, something has to go wrong) and I ended up sleeping really badly, waking up with bad anxiety :( anyway I got up this morning and my phone has decided that now it will charge! I'm determined to have another good day, although Lena is already stressing me out with her answering back and not doing as she's told... At least it's Friday and payday :)

Suzi
24-08-18, 10:33 AM
Sorry that it's been a difficult start to the day...

Paula
24-08-18, 10:58 AM
Have you got any plans for today?

CaterpillarGirl
24-08-18, 12:10 PM
Yes me and Lena have already been busy in the kitchen, I've tidied my bedroom, just having some dinner and then we're going to take Mia for a walk. I've phoned the counselling, the lady said she doesn't know how long it will take for me to get an appointment but she's going to email the lady that I'm going to be seeing and ask her to get in touch with me so hopefully I'll have more information soon

CaterpillarGirl
25-08-18, 10:31 AM
I almost had another good day yesterday and then my headphones broke on my way to work! I know these are only small things but can I not have a day where something doesn't go wrong! I'm hoping that will be today, nothing stressful is planned, I'm not even using my magnets

Suzi
25-08-18, 12:03 PM
I'm glad you're having a recharging day. Sorry about the headphones - but you know it's just something which happened - not that the world is conspiring against you - although I know that feeling really well myself...

CaterpillarGirl
25-08-18, 01:49 PM
Deep down I know that it isn't, still feels like it sometimes though! So far so good today, just trying to find my cat so I can put on his flea treatment (poor little guy has an allergy to flea bites and his skin flares up something awful if I don't keep on top of it but he's always off adventuring, I think he must go to someone else's house!)

CaterpillarGirl
25-08-18, 03:20 PM
I had moment earlier on in which Lena kept getting in my personal space after being asked time and again not to (sometimes if my head's not in the right place I can't cope with people getting near me) I sat her down and explained to her that sometimes I get agitated if people are in my personal space and if I ask her nicely not to she should respect that and then she stopped, so that was good and I feel much better now.

Anyway, after taking the dog out for two walks, going for afternoon tea and feeling like I still have enough left in me to go to the cinema and for food, I've realised how far I've come since I first joined here only last month when I was struggling to even leave the house. I wouldn't be where I am right now if it was for you guys, you were the ones that encouraged me to get out, to make an appointment at the doctor, gave me kind words and lifted me up when I was feeling down. I know I still have a long way to go but I just wanted to say thank you so much for everything (panda) (panda)

magie06
25-08-18, 04:09 PM
We only wave the pom poms. You've done all the hard work. Well done.(clap)

Jaquaia
25-08-18, 04:31 PM
You've done brilliantly

Paula
25-08-18, 06:42 PM
We only wave the pom poms. You've done all the hard work. Well done.(clap)

Couldnít agree more!

Oh, btw, Lena is awesome :)

Suzi
25-08-18, 10:11 PM
Your post made me cry!! You're amazing and I am so thrilled that you sat Lena down and explained things to her! Things like that will help her to understand and be more able to help you.
The others are right, you did it all - but I know that it's always easier with your own cheer squad!

CaterpillarGirl
26-08-18, 11:44 AM
Turns out I pushed myself to hard yesterday, my anxiety started the minute I sat down in the cinema so I found it really hard to concentrate and get into the film, made it through though and tea was lovely, we went to Frankie and Benny's and both had steak and chips, but I just really wanted to go home, then I slept really badly, every little noise from outside made my stomach turn. At least I'm getting an idea of my limits though and I know not to push myself too much, I guess I thought I was doing better than I actually was. I feel OK today though (I was really dreading it ruining my day) just wish it wasn't raining!! Hope everybody else is doing well

Suzi
26-08-18, 11:53 AM
You aren't going to get it right all the time love, the art is to not beat yourself up about it when it doesn't go to plan...

Paula
26-08-18, 12:00 PM
^^^wss. I get it wrong all the time, as the team often tell me (so does Suzi but donít tell her I told you that ;)). What matters is learning from it

Suzi
26-08-18, 02:18 PM
(rofl) It's true I do! :)

CaterpillarGirl
27-08-18, 09:36 PM
I had a really good night with the girls last night (although my best friend couldn't make it) but then I was up all night again with anxiety, if it's still happening when I go for my doctor's appointment I'll have a chat with him about it

Suzi
28-08-18, 08:55 AM
So glad you had a good night. Sorry about the anxiety lovely... Definitely talk to your GP about it love..

Pen
29-08-18, 07:09 PM
Hi. Been working through your post as you were kind enough to comment on mine.
I hope the appointment goes ok tomorrow. We are all here for you.
I hope you don't mind but the post about your fiancee saying the wrong thing about the cupboards made me smile. My hubby is forever sticking his foot in it even now and we have been together 34 years. Men just sometimes open their mouths without engaging brain!
I once jokingly showed him a meme that said if your wife is sad give her a hug, if she hits you stand well back and throw chocolate. He has taken it literally but that's ok...I like chocolate!

Paula
29-08-18, 10:22 PM
Hey lovely, youíre quiet!

Suzi
29-08-18, 10:28 PM
How are you doing?

CaterpillarGirl
31-08-18, 01:42 PM
I'm still having the anxiety at night so definitely going to have a word with my doctor about that, my counsellor rang me today though to book my first appointment, I'm seeing her Sept 18th. I'm feeling a little low today but I think it's just the holiday blues

Paula
31-08-18, 03:01 PM
Lovely to see you, gorgeous!

Suzi
31-08-18, 06:18 PM
We've missed you! Apart from a bit down today, you OK?

CaterpillarGirl
31-08-18, 08:19 PM
I've missed you guys too! I've not been having the greatest day, my depression seems to be much more manageable on these tablets but I think they're making my anxiety worse :(

Suzi
31-08-18, 10:14 PM
Have you been to the dr and told them that?

CaterpillarGirl
01-09-18, 01:05 PM
I haven't spoken to my doctor yet because my appointment isn't until the 13th. I currently feel like I'm going backwards, my mood has just deteriorated over the past couple of days and I just feel like crawling into my bed and going back to sleep, I've only just started to make an effort to get ready for the day and I'm really not feeling up to it. I feel like I'm not even on any tablets and I've just gone back to exactly the way I was before I started taking them. I just want to cry, I thought I was doing much better but I'm obviously not

Paula
01-09-18, 03:18 PM
You have to look at the overall picture, sweetie. Have you had more good days since you took them than before? Thing is, even without depression and anxiety, we all have mood swings naturally so in life we have good and bad days.

Also, youíve done so much with your partner and with Lena over the past few weeks, you could probably do with some rest

Suzi
01-09-18, 05:12 PM
Hunni you know as well as I do that these the meds take a while to get into your system. You are definitely not going backwards...

Jaquaia
03-09-18, 07:32 PM
I have been on new meds since April and on the highest dose for about 6 weeks now. The other week I had a huge wobble, my anxiety was through the roof, I was crying often, overthinking everything and couldn't cope around people. Even half an hour around my parents so I could eat was a struggle. But I know that I have had more good days than bad days since I started on these. Recovery isn't a straight line, sometimes there are bumps in the road, sometimes there are bloody great potholes! But that doesn't mean that you're back to the beginning. You just need to give yourself time to rest too (panda)

CaterpillarGirl
03-09-18, 08:31 PM
Hey guys, sorry I've been quiet for a couple of days I've just been really low and keeping to myself. I know there is no simple or quick solution, it's just so hard to see the end of the tunnel when the voices in your head are telling you you're a failure and not good enough and you'll never get well, even though I know deep down it's not true. Anyway, I'm hoping with Lena going back to school tomorrow and the return of routine and normalcy (not that Lena being in high school is normal in any way right now!!) I will start getting back on track. I've already put two water bottles in the fridge, written up my magnets for the day and arranged a walk round daisy nook country park with my new friend. I've decided its time I started taking care of myself again, I weighed myself yesterday and I've put on a stone over the summer (I know it's not all about weight and I do it to feel good about myself too and get healthy but seeing how much I've put on made me realise how much I've slipped) so now I'm going to really make the effort to look after myself, follow a normal routine and stop eating so much that is bad for me and get back into exercising.

Paula
03-09-18, 09:06 PM
That sounds likes a very good plan. Is Lena looking forward to school?

Strugglingmum
03-09-18, 09:19 PM
Go you!! Send me some of your motivation. I'm glad you're back. I do think getting routine back is good for us..... I know it helps me. It's hard seeing our children get older and taking new steps. But as mummies we get to be proud as punch of them too. X

Suzi
03-09-18, 10:11 PM
So proud of you for taking care of you!!!

CaterpillarGirl
04-09-18, 09:09 AM
Great start to the day, I was up and ready by 8 and took Lena to school (she was not looking forward to it but I think she'll be fine once she settles in) I'm just waiting for my friend now so we can go for our walk

Suzi
04-09-18, 10:43 AM
Hope she has a brilliant first day!

Enjoy your walk lovely!

CaterpillarGirl
05-09-18, 10:36 AM
Good morning guys, today I woke up in a really low mood and feeling exhausted. It's taken me a couple of hours to gear myself up for getting ready for the day, but I'm ready now and about to take a 45 minute walk to Barclay's to pay in a cheque and then back again, then I'm going to attempt to fix the shelves in my kitchen cupboards that keep falling down. I've bought myself a pocket sized diary and I'm going to start logging how I feel throughout the day to make it easier when I go and see my doctor and also so I can see for myself if I'm improving or not

Sissy
05-09-18, 11:05 AM
Sounds great. I am sorry you have been feeling low, but you have so much planned for a day that feels difficult, hopefully keeping stuff on your "to do" list helps keeping the low mood at bay. And mood diary is a brilliant idea. I need to try it as well. Would be much easier to go through my situation when I see therapists and doctors. I am totally going to snag that idea.

Suzi
05-09-18, 11:43 AM
A mood diary is a brilliant idea.
Sorry you've woken up really down. When's your next Dr's appointment? Don't beat yourself up if you don't manage each of those tasks though love, be kind to you..

CaterpillarGirl
05-09-18, 02:25 PM
Well the walk to Barclay's took me the same way I used to walk to college as a teen, that brought back a lot of memories, not ones I necessarily wanted reminding of, and left me with a weird feeling of missing it but being glad it's over at the same time, oh well, the cheque is in the bank now without me having to pay for the bus and getting some exercise in :) I've fixed my shelves and even got round to changing the fiancť's light bulbs that he can't do (I think I wear the trousers today :P) I'm having a bit of anxiety because I missed a call from the doctors and can't ring back because they're closed Wednesday afternoons (my appointment is next Thursday, I hope they're not cancelling or rearranging) mostly a good day though and I'm feeling much better than I was this morning :)

Paula
05-09-18, 03:56 PM
Youíve done brilliantly considering youíre struggling today :)

OldMike
05-09-18, 04:37 PM
A busy day and you got things done, you've done well today.

Suzi
05-09-18, 05:44 PM
Give the Drs a ring in the morning.

Sounds like you've done amazingly today! You're awesome!

Flo
06-09-18, 08:26 AM
How are you feeling today? I've read through your posts and you did really well yesterday. Keep up the good work!

Suzi
06-09-18, 08:56 AM
Morning lovely, how are things in your neck of the woods?

CaterpillarGirl
06-09-18, 09:13 AM
I'm feeling much better this morning, still exhausted but that's through getting back into a routine I guess, my body got used to having lie-ins! I'm already up and ready for the day, going to ring the doctors in a moment and then take Mia for a long walk, this afternoon I'm going to attempt to make a start on my next assignment, hope everybody else is having a good day today :)

Suzi
06-09-18, 10:44 AM
Glad you are feeling a bit brighter lovely x Sounds like a good plan for the day..

CaterpillarGirl
07-09-18, 09:06 AM
Yesterday went well, me and Mia had a lovely 2 hour walk and were both exhausted after and chilled out together on the sofa. I managed to get 3 tasks done on my assignment but brain was frazzled and I couldn't concentrate enough to do any more. Instead I sorted out the cupboard on the landing which is something I've been meaning to do for a while, it looks loads better and I can actually get to my shoes now! Today I'm sat waiting in for the plumber (my landlord finally sent someone to fix my boiler last week so I can get hot water without turning the heating on but now the cold tap in the kitchen has stopped working!) so I'm not making any plans but if he comes early enough I'll take Mia out for a walk before work, at moment I'm just going to read my book for a while. The doctor just wanted me to make an appointment for a medication review (which I already have) I think the tablets are working because I'm getting stuff done but I still feel low and hopeless and my anxiety is still quite bad (a guy at work asked me if I'd changed my hair colour yesterday and my anxiety went into overdrive)

Suzi
07-09-18, 10:51 AM
That sounds so positive except for the last sentences!
Sweetheart what sent you into overdrive about asking about your hair?

CaterpillarGirl
07-09-18, 10:58 AM
I think it's because I haven't changed my hair and when I told him no I convinced myself that I'd embarrassed him and then I just didn't know what to do with myself after that, stupid I know but anxiety is isn't it?

Paula
07-09-18, 11:13 AM
Whenís your appointment?

CaterpillarGirl
07-09-18, 02:36 PM
My appointment is next Thursday. I'm so annoyed, I've been waiting in all day for this plumber who said he would be here in the morning, text him around 12 to ask if he knew what time he'd be here and got no reply, now I have to go to work

Suzi
07-09-18, 08:06 PM
I hate that! I hope you've heard from them by now!

CaterpillarGirl
08-09-18, 08:34 AM
Nope, still nothing, I text my landlord when I got to work at 3 and he said he'd got in touch with him and the guy would be ringing me, never did, I've just text my landlord again

Paula
08-09-18, 08:58 AM
What a pain in the rear!

Suzi
08-09-18, 10:21 AM
That's terrible! I hope that they get someone out urgently....

Flo
08-09-18, 10:31 AM
It's not on is it? waiting in all day. Or the 'between 08.30 and 4.30pm' A whole day wasted.

OldMike
08-09-18, 11:19 AM
That sucks it means you wasted a day staying in.

CaterpillarGirl
08-09-18, 11:56 AM
Not heard back yet! It was so frustrating, poor Mia didn't get her walk yesterday and waiting in like that gives me anxiety so I couldn't even get anything done! I spent the day watching TV but I did do step ups while I was watching so I still got my exercise in! We've already been out for a very wet walk today, I'm just doing some work on my assignment now (my head is much clearer today and I've already made good progress). Going to go and have a brew with my dad after dinner and then I'm going out for a couple of drinks with the fiancť's new friend and his girlfriend (our first couple friends, I hope we get on, I've met the guy once but he was very drunk and loud, not met his girlfriend but apparently she's quiet like me)

Suzi
08-09-18, 03:12 PM
I hate having to wait in for people who don't turn up!
Woohoo for a night out! Have a great time lovely!

Paula
08-09-18, 03:14 PM
Have fun!

CaterpillarGirl
09-09-18, 12:54 PM
Turns out the plumber had text me but it hadn't come through, he's coming on Tuesday now. The fiancť's friend cancelled yesterday so me and him just went out for a couple of hours and had a lovely time. I've been out for a walk with Mia today and now I'm concentrating on getting my next assignment finished, I start back on my placement tomorrow, I can't wait to get back to school and meet this year's class, I've really missed it

Suzi
09-09-18, 08:21 PM
Glad that it's sorted re the plumber!
Hooray for placement! I really hope you have a wonderful day! Is it day placement or 5 days a week?

CaterpillarGirl
11-09-18, 11:52 AM
I have a whole new tap in my kitchen! You don't realise how much you need cold water in the kitchen until its not there anymore. My placement is only one day a week, yesterday was good but stressful, the new class is really hard and then when I got home it took me about an hour to figure out how to scan and copy to Word with the new printer/scanner, managed to send off my next assignment though. I'm just chilling for a bit now as I'm ahead of schedule today and have already cleaned the living, then I'll take Mia out after dinner, feeling good today just a touch of anxiety this morning

Suzi
11-09-18, 01:13 PM
I always found the first week hard with a new class.. You'll get there with them!
Congrats on sorting the assignment!

So glad you're feeling OK lovely..

CaterpillarGirl
12-09-18, 05:04 PM
I've had such a busy day today, left the house at quarter past 8 to meet my friend for a long walk with Mia, we were out for over 2 hours! Got home, cleaned the bathroom, hoovered the stairs and living room, mopped the kitchen floor, fixed a broken washing basket, mended a pair of Lena's leggings and then did some work on my next assignment, I'm over halfway through it already! Just come from my dad's now to work and I'm absolutely exhausted, the fiance is back today from working away since Sunday, I can't wait to see him tonight ��

Paula
12-09-18, 06:00 PM
Wow! Iím exhausted just reading that ;). Howís your mood, lovely?

CaterpillarGirl
12-09-18, 06:14 PM
Kind of mixed to be honest, I feel good that I got so much done but kind of low at the same time so perhaps I pushed myself a bit too far

Paula
12-09-18, 06:25 PM
So are you planning an easier day tomorrow?

CaterpillarGirl
12-09-18, 07:19 PM
I'm at the doctors tomorrow for my medication review and I want to try and get some more of my assignment done but I don't have anything else planned, I might take Mia out for a short walk at some point

Suzi
12-09-18, 09:07 PM
It does sound as if you've pushed yourself really hard.. That's where pacing comes into it. Hope you have a lovely evening with your fiance. What does he do that means he's away so much?
How's L doing at school? Still OK?

CaterpillarGirl
13-09-18, 08:58 AM
I had the worst anxiety last night, barely slept at all, I've woken up with it too. Lena was late leaving for school this morning and I feel terrible as it was my fault, she was up early and ready and then I forgot to tell her it was time to leave so now she'll probably get detention, the worst part is she says she doesn't care, she has such an awful attitude towards school it really upsets me so now I'm feeling really low and guilty. She says she doesn't like school at all, on Monday I had to practically drag her out of bed she was adamant she wasn't going in! Roll on my doctors appointment at half 11! The fiance designs and sells bespoke staircases all over the North of England so he tries to group appointments in the same area and get them all done over a couple of days or so, it's a great job that he is incredibly passionate about but sometimes it's hard when he's away (other times I quite enjoy the time to myself)

OldMike
13-09-18, 09:54 AM
Is there any reason why Lena doesn't like school? By enlarge I liked school (not always but mostly). Try not to blame yourself CGirl these things happen and being a parent isn't easy. Hope all goes well with your doc's appointment.

Suzi
13-09-18, 12:34 PM
That's a seriously cool job! I've always wanted a lovely staircase!

Why doesn't Lena like school? Friends? Lessons? Have you spoken to her tutor about it?
How did the Drs appointment go?

Paula
13-09-18, 02:46 PM
Is this new for this term or has she always hated school?

CaterpillarGirl
13-09-18, 03:02 PM
She hasn't been a fan of school for a while now but it's only really been an issue now that she's started high school. I've asked her why she doesn't like it and she said she doesn't know she just doesn't, I've spoken to her about bullying, she says she's isn't being and I believe she would confide in me if she was as she knows about my being bullied in the past, she's told me she's made new friends already so it's not that, I honestly think she is just becoming a moody teen! With regards to the doctor he has put my dose up from 50 to 100mg so will have to wait and see how that goes

Paula
13-09-18, 04:12 PM
Ah yes, teenage daughters. Been there twice. Itís fun .......

Suzi
13-09-18, 04:58 PM
Ahh yes, I've one at 14 - sorry, as I'm always being told, nearly 15.... And one who is 13.... I feel your pain. I find ice cream, chocolate and gin help...

CaterpillarGirl
14-09-18, 09:04 AM
I am so stressed out today! I've recently changed energy and broadband providers and just received my finally bill from the company I was with, £188.46! I've been trying to get through to them to arrange to pay it in installments because I just can't afford that right now and it is literally impossible to speak to a person on the phone, I've been going round and round through various automated lists (one took me right back to the main menu) with no options to speak to someone and no other contact number! I have sent them an email instead but it's so frustrating, I just wanted to get it sorted! I also lost my temper at Lena just before school as she was messing about and dawdling when she needed to leave and now I feel awful and can't do anything about it until she comes home :(

Suzi
14-09-18, 10:10 AM
She'll understand. We've all done it. Send her a text - she'll pick it up when she turns her phone on when she's on the way home..
Well done for dealing with the bill, that's so hard to do... Especially when you can't talk to someone!

CaterpillarGirl
14-09-18, 02:35 PM
My mood is so much better this afternoon, my last assignment came back with only 3 very small amendments to do which I have done already (I just have to wait until I can get them signed on Monday) and I've very nearly finished getting the next one ready so I can send that off as soon as the other is passed :) I'm going to have a chat with Lena about school and her attitude (and also apologise for losing my temper) when I get back from work

Paula
14-09-18, 03:05 PM
Thatís a lot of stress. Please try to take it easy and breathe ;)

CaterpillarGirl
14-09-18, 05:54 PM
To be honest now that my brain fog has cleared I'm actually quite enjoying doing my coursework and it feels really good being ahead :) thank you for worrying about me though, I'm definitely going to be relaxing now for the rest of the weekend!

Strugglingmum
14-09-18, 07:18 PM
Go you!!. Enjoy your weekend relaxing. Xx

Suzi
14-09-18, 07:59 PM
Hope you have a good weekend love! Hope your talk went well with L...

CaterpillarGirl
16-09-18, 09:48 AM
The talk with Lena went well, I think we have come to an understanding, I guess we'll find out tomorrow morning when she's back on school! So yesterday I didn't really have a relaxing day, I ended up helping Lena with a massive bedroom sort out which took most of the morning, did a quick clean of the rest of the house and then had some dinner, took Mia on a very long walk and then polished and hoovered Lena's room, after that I mended some jeans and leggings that I've been putting off for ages and then sorted the tea, I'm still feeling good though and plan on doing nothing but play on the sims and maybe read a bit today (with exception of taking Mia out this afternoon but that is no longer a struggle and is a part of my day that I really look forward to now) we're only having ready meals for tea as well so no cooking today (although I do love to cook but sometimes it's nice to know I don't have to) hope everybody else is having a fabulous weekend :)

Suzi
16-09-18, 09:58 AM
That sounds really positive and I'm really impressed you're having a pacing/recharging day too!

CaterpillarGirl
16-09-18, 10:00 AM
I'm just putting on a bedding wash now but I promise it's the only thing I'm going to do before relaxing :)

Suzi
16-09-18, 10:02 AM
Good!!

OldMike
16-09-18, 10:41 AM
That's a really positive post (about four posts back), I often see dog walkers on my walks having a dog encourages you to get out. You'd best pace if "The Boss Lady" says pace (giggle)

CaterpillarGirl
19-09-18, 08:51 AM
Hey guys, sorry I've been away for a few days I just got really busy, I had my first counselling appointment yesterday, it went well, she's offered me cbt and I have to write down some occasions when I have anxiety and how it makes me feel ready for next week, my counsellor seems really nice and understanding so it was a good start :) I'm mostly okay at the moment I've just been really tired, I'm going to take Mia out for a walk shortly, hoping some fresh air will wake me up! Hope everyone else is doing well

Paula
19-09-18, 09:29 AM
Counselling/CBT takes a lot out of you so you need to be prepared to take a day or so to recover after each session itms?

CaterpillarGirl
19-09-18, 01:16 PM
That does make sense, I wonder if that's why I'm feeling so low now, ever since I came back from the vets this morning (I managed to get Mia booked in just after I posted this morning as she has been scratching excessively) I've just felt really down and had no energy to do anything, I've just been sat watching TV since about 11 o'clock

Suzi
19-09-18, 01:20 PM
Counselling is exhausting. It's facing the things we try to push away and actually deal with them and that's really, really hard! You have to be really kind to yourself - pizza for dinner and a movie on the night of counselling then something really easy for the next day too....

Paula
19-09-18, 02:41 PM
Howís Mia?

CaterpillarGirl
20-09-18, 01:08 PM
She's fine, they've given her some medicated shampoo so I bathed her with it yesterday and she's not scratching as much now, she'll need it doing again in a couple of days, thanks for asking :)

Suzi
20-09-18, 07:39 PM
Glad she's a bit better. Hope you're having a lovely day x

OldMike
20-09-18, 10:03 PM
I thought I'd posted about Mia and her visit to the vet but can't see it, I probably forget to press the post button silly me. I see she's got some shampoo so she should be okay now it's always a worry when pets are not well isn't it, hopefully she'll soon be better.

Suzi
21-09-18, 08:41 AM
Morning lovely, how are you today?

CaterpillarGirl
21-09-18, 08:59 AM
I'm feeling much better today, just wish it would stop raining! Mia's doing great too, she's hardly scratching at all, I'm just going to type up my next assignment while I wait to see if the rain calms down a bit so I can take Mia out and then later on after work I'm dropping Lena with my mum where she's staying until Sunday