View Full Version : Downs that make you not want to get Up?!

10-07-18, 12:28 PM

I've had depression for a lot of my 55 years but I've never quite found anything to explain what's "going on" at the moment. I had a trawl through the threads here but can't find anything similar so was hoping that someone might relate to this.

On "normal" days I'm up by 6am, take time to get myself together (one my self-helps is not to rush for anyone but also to give myself time to do things properly) and then walk to work (a couple of miles) listening to anything from John Denver to Mozart to Guns 'N' Roses. Not, I might add, at the same time (smirk). I love what I do (I'm an accountant with other strings (to my bow)) and, whilst there's pressure, there are many ways to cope with it which I've spent years learning. Work fulfilled, Boss happy, bus back home, read a book, sleep. All good.

Over the last few months I've had spells of complete downturns in mood and mindset and there's been mornings, which often turn into days, where I can't even raise my head. These became so bad that I resigned my position last week. I have become so tired of fighting this that I have no will or energy to continue.

I've seen my doctor several times and he's continued to prescribe Venaflaxin (although I have best results with Ashwaghanda, Magnesium and Milk Thistle).

Work has been really supportive and have asked me not to leave however I've said that I'll only stay if I can be reliable to them. Work is important as is my ethic behind it and if I'm not there doing the job that I'm paid to then I shouldn't be there.

I've worked through lots of ups and downs in the Fight Against the Evil "D" but this one seems straight out of left-field. I don't understand it and so can't explain it. I was talking to my Boss and we were trying to find any kind of trigger that she could help fend off or look out for. I've searched my head and lifestyle to try and figure it out however I'm at a complete loss.

I've changed little in my life recently; I live alone but then I have done for years, I interact as I normally do at work, I haven't changed medicines or diet. I speak to my son every couple of weekends as normal but, even after that (we're close and can natter for ever), there's no telling whether the next day will be a Good or Bad one. The Bad Days aren't just Bad...they're Really Bad. I've gone to sleep happy as the proverbial Sand-Boy and woken up in the darkest of what I refer to as my "dark-corner(s)". It takes days to shake it and, as I mentioned, I'm so tired of the constant swings that, to me, giving up work isn't a choice; it's an obligation.

Hence the reason for this post. Has anyone reading this had a similar experience(s)? Does anyone understand it? Can anyone explain it? Most of all...what's the remedy??!

Thanks for any help, support or sharings. I had hoped to keep this brief but it turned out as something of an epistle so, if you read this far, thank you again!!

10-07-18, 04:50 PM
In the 25 years (probably more though didn't know what it was) I've suffered from depression is that it largely doesn't make sense you think you've mastered it and everything is going along fine then out of nowhere it rears its ugly head.

10-07-18, 09:02 PM
I know for my husband there isn't always an obvious trigger for his mood to spiral downwards either... It sometimes just "is"

10-07-18, 09:30 PM
Sometimes there is no rhyme or reason. We know so little about how our brains work and how depression works. Have you thought about doing a mood diary? It may help you narrow down any possible triggers

16-07-18, 08:38 PM
Hi there,
Welcome to DWD. Have you ever been referred to a psychiatrist? Speaking from a personal perspective, this was the turning point for me. The correct medication can be life changing. It sounds like you are being fair with work and that they are being very supportive. Could you ask for a couple of months off to get the help you require?

17-07-18, 06:47 AM
First of all, welcome. I am happy you found your way here, even none of us can say we know what you are going through, we can understand the deepest bottoms of this ride can really get to you. I have been depressed since childhood event I'd rather not to talk about, but maybe - just maybe - finally have made peace with.

There are days we'd rather never see. My best way to get through each and every day is simply stick to my routines with my kids and pets. Have my coffee - lots of it- In peace, feed my dogs and cats, check everyone has water and so on. Make breakfast, get kids ready for whatever they need to be ready for. My mornings are 98 out of 100 bad. First thing in my mind before even opening my eyes is hating the fact I am still alive. It is brutal, and that is what I would most want to get rid of. I had better mornings while having chicken, but a fox broke in my coop and killed my whole flock, so now I am trying to build a new one with my other half, something predator proof so I never have to see what I saw that morning ever again.

Some days will simply suck. Sometimes it is easier to shake it off than other times. I don't do well during summer either, so I am really waiting for the fall. But In general I get through life with very, very dark humour, lots of coffee and sticking to my well structured mornings. My fiance (can I call him that, we are engaged but probably never will get married) and my sons are my greatest supporters. They make life worth the struggle, and just having them around makes the urge to hurt myself go away.

On a good day I get done all sorts of stuff. On a difficult day I usually sit down, have too much coffee and read, knit and try to distract myself from the feeling that makes me so incapable to funktion normally. Bad days I spend drawing and painting the pain away. Worst days... I stay In bed and and can't get anything done. Anxiety and depression are liike a horrible duo of really ugly creatuees that manage steal away all my energy, motivaation and Joy of life. Those days come without a warning, and no matter how I try to prevent them from happening, they still manage to lash at me out of blue. It is rough.

I probably could not help you at all with this, but what I tried to say is I believe I get what you mean. Took me 6 and half years to find medication that helps even a bit, and I have to say I could never had imagined the life getting better. Even those were horrible years, I am grateful there is a medication that helps. Those years were worth it if I compaire life without any medication to life now.

I truly hope your bad days get less devastating, and less in numbers. I apologise my broken english, I am not a native english speaker so I tend to say weird things just because I can't find the right words, not even starting with grammars. Plus my cellphone likes to autocorrect me so finnish words pop in convo at times.

Anyway. I hope we here can help you with your bad days. I come read alot but write less.. Seeing how kind people here are, makes me feel better when life gets hairy.