View Full Version : Erm hello *Trigger Warnings Miscarriage and SU*

19-04-18, 02:38 PM

Im not sure if anyone is going to read this or even be interested.

I'm not sure if Im doing the right thing. I'm not sure if this will help, but Im feeling pretty desperate so thought Id give it a shot.

Thanks for taking the time to read, if you choose to.

I'll try and bullet point so that its not boring.

Life history in a nutshell.

Grew up in a big very supportive family. Lots of love but lots of arguments and violence (sounds odd I know).

Ginger, shy kid, got badly bullied at school and had to move schools, never really trusted friends after that

Despite expectations, turned out to be quite pretty, and not a total dumbo, so plan was to work hard and be ambitious but confidence has always been cripplingly low. Not outwardly but inwardly. I strive to achieve. I get jobs and then ruin them by telling myself I'm useless.

Then periods started, diagnosed very early with endometriosis

Experienced severe pain, countless ops, years of painkillers. It almost ruined uni. Created serious problems with work, relationships and friends because of my constant absence or associated depression.

Because it almost ruined uni, I came out with a crappy mark and even lower confidence in abilities but worked super hard and eventually got a really well paid job. The company grew exponentially, as did my workload but not my team. Worked 7 days a week for 4 years solid (with a few breaks here and there).

At the same time, I got pelvic tuberculosis following routine op for my endometriosis. Was told if I didn't have kids within the year, Id never have them.

Pressures from my parents to get married before having kids, meant I married the guy I was with but he had drug induced psychosis. I was 26. We divorced after 2 years with no children because I didn't want them with someone aggressive.

Back at work - I couldn't cope with my boss and the immense pressure and had a proper clinical breakdown. Fainting in public places. Couldn't leave the house. I needed help. I was doing 4 people's jobs. Work refused to give me extra staff for 3 months, but eventually gave me one additional part timer. I returned to work on meds and seeing a psychiatrist for work related anxiety, I stayed for another 3 years.

Boss was still applying pressure. Telling me if I didn't have children he would make me a director but at the same time telling me I was useless and was going to get rid of me to get someone else in. I left the job to do a masters.

During the masters my endo was so bad, I couldn't get of bed to even go to exams. I tried so hard but it was a real struggle. New subject and a bad choice of uni.

Reaching my early 30s, Id been with my new BF for 3.5 years. He told me he never wanted kids after telling me at the start he did. I was heartbroken. We split and I was effectively homeless for the last 6 months of my Masters. Sleeping on sofas and moving back in with my parents.

Two years later I got back with my BF and we got pregnant. After 3 months, I miscarried at home. BF was sleeping or in a another room the whole time. It lasted 48 hours.

Roughly the same time, a friend who used to work for me at my old job took his own life, partly because of work related stress. I was heartbroken that id left him in that evil mess.

From this point forward I have no feelings. I sway from being completely empty and numb, to being desperately sad.

My partner and I agree to try to having a baby again and to be give him credit, he grew up a lot. I miscarry a further two times.

My whole family have children. Im the only one who hasn't. This hurts so much but I can't show it. My sister's son loves me so much. He wants to be in my arms the whole time. I don't know why. But my sister gets jealous about the attention he gives me so Ive been avoiding going. I tried bringing it up, say sorry and ask why it upset her and she told me off for being weird.

I have no real career to speak of after leaving my job and screwing up my masters. I've no focus. No passion. Ive no children. Money is really strapped because Im not bringing in enough. I recently went completely grey. Ive put on about 2 stone in 2 years. I feel old and unattractive.

I fell out with all my family because Im really snippy and sensitive.

Ive pushed all my fiends away - never really let them get close in the first place so there not much to lose.

Ive been trying to go running to lose weight and have a focus. I hear it helps.

I have a dog - he's literally amazing and probably the only reason Im still alive.

Phew, that was long.

If you managed to get to the end. Thanks

I need advice. Please can anyone help?!

19-04-18, 02:51 PM
Now Im regretting making that post so long. I'm sorry.

I said it was going to be a nutshell.

Basically, Im depressed and have very bad anxiety, have been for what feels like half my life, and am really desperate for help and advice from anyone.

Thank you

19-04-18, 03:12 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm going to add a trigger warning as you discuss miscarriage and suicide - it's nothing to worry about it just alerts others that there might be things that are triggering to them.

Sweetheart you've been through so much. Have you seen a Dr recently?

19-04-18, 03:15 PM
No, I came off meds about 6 months ago. Cant get an appointment now weeks.

Im sorry about the triggers. I didn't know. I don't want to upset anyone,

19-04-18, 03:25 PM
It's not a problem, all sorted ;)

Can you call on the day to get an appointment that way? Or at least book the first one you can so each day is still getting closer to it? Or a telephone appointment?

19-04-18, 03:27 PM
I would try to get an appointment with your GP. You have so much going on and not all treatment for depression involves meds. There are talking therapies out there that work very well for people.
I think you've been extremely brave with all you've told us. Please have a look around and join in when ever you feel up to it. Welcome to DWD.

19-04-18, 03:31 PM
Thank you

19-04-18, 03:40 PM
Hi and welcome

19-04-18, 03:44 PM
Hi and welcome. Your gp can talk to you about all sorts of ways to help you cope with your mental health - please make that appointment. Can I ask why you came off the meds?

19-04-18, 04:16 PM
Hi and welcome. Your gp can talk to you about all sorts of ways to help you cope with your mental health - please make that appointment. Can I ask why you came off the meds?
Hi Paula,

Thanks for the welcome.

I came off them because I felt numb and sad and that they hadn't really done anything for me for a long time. Initially I felt a boost. Then a drop. Then they upped the dosage and I felt even more numb. I don't really feel like they helped. They just make me feel nothing, which then makes me feel worse.

I was okay at first but over the last few months Ive felt like my menopause has started (my mum's started when she was really young), which has just made me lose all hope of having a child altogether. To be honest, I can't face trying again anyway in case I miscarry, and so that's it. This is it. This is my future.

I think Im mourning the loss of the child I'll never have.

I know there's adoption, and that has been a serious option on the cards for about 3 years now, but Ive looked into all the process and if you have a history of depression, the chances look pretty rubbish.

19-04-18, 04:17 PM
thanks everyone for welcome...its heart felt appreciated

19-04-18, 05:59 PM
Hunni, first off I really think you need to talk to your doctor if youíre concerned about the menopause - getting your hormone levels checked will let you answer that concern, one way or another.

As to the anti depressants, that particular type may not work for you but there are many more, different ADs that may suit you better. Please donít assume that, just because that one was not for you, that they all wonít work. Please just leave an open mind......

Have you considered foster Work?

19-04-18, 06:15 PM
I was going to suggest fostering too, it can be tough, but it sounds like you'd actually be really good and compassionate to any young person who'd been through stuff...

22-04-18, 10:26 AM
Hi and welcome


Thanks for yours and everyone's advice. I managed to get a emergency appointment and I've been referred for counselling. Although, its obviously some time away, the very act of contacting the doctor and collectively arriving at that decision, feels like its already made a difference to my state of mind. I feel reassured that Im on the right path.

I felt so completely hopeless the other day when I joined this group. Cried literally all day (and crying intensely on and off for 4 days).

Its going to be a long process but I know Im in the right hands now.

Thank you.

22-04-18, 10:47 AM
Well done hunni, thatís an important step :)

22-04-18, 02:28 PM
I'm so glad you've made that decision and that things are looking even a little brighter.... I'm really glad you came back to let us know how you are getting on.