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View Full Version : I don't know who I am anymore



Greeneyes
02-04-18, 12:44 AM
Hey everyone, hope you're all well. I've just hit such a brick wall this past while. Completely stuck in a rut.

I started having symptoms of social anxiety in my late teens. I lost a lot of friends because of it. I couldn't tell people how i felt and truth be told I thought what I was feeling was normal. It was only when I got a bit older, say 25ish when I properly looked into it. As the years when by, i got anxiety about everything not just social. Everything and anything.

I've struggled alot with my appearance. I was overweight and I thought the route cause of i was feeling was my weight. In a way it was a good thing because I kept telling myself that i would be happy once I lost weight. So it was like I was in control. Anyways, my anxiety over the years got worse it affected everything. I was in a job which I didn't really like, it was OK and decent paid. The anxiety around my job was intense. For 8 hours a day everyday I felt sick anxious etc. I thought again once I got a new job I'd be happy. So I took matters into my own hands. I lost a shed load of weight and got a new job. I also went back to college to study for a career in a field that I would love to work in. I really thought it would be a turning point for me but it just made myself worse. After losing weight i realised It didn't make me happy. The new job has been a step down for me and I don't particularly enjoy it. I finished my course but have no intention or even motivation to do anything with it.

Since last year my mood has just been awful. I don't experience anything other than anxiety and depression. At first I thought I only had anxiety but it developed into depression too which I didn't realise. The past 9 months have just been exhausting. Nothing motivates or excites me anymore. I don't feel any hope for the future. I describe it as an umbrella over me. I feel lonely. I feel like I'm watching the world from outside. All I see is my friends and family enjoying life and I just feel either sadness, anxiety or numb.

I have struggled with confidence issues my whole life. Part of my anxiety is regarding rejection and abandonment. I never feel like I am good enough. I always feel like I'm waiting for people to get bored of me or waiting for them to leave. I had a relationship last year. It was only shorticulture about 6 months. It was awful. Constant anxiety that they were gonna leave that they were talking to someone better. If I didn't hear from them in a few days I was so anxious and depressed. It really took it out of my emotionally. I couldn't enjoy it because of how I felt.

Over the years I've had a few medications. I was prwscribed fluoxetine which made me feel spaced out. I didn't feel anything. I was also put on citalopram which messed me up. It made me feel the worst I've ever felt. I've been to counselling too. Last year I paid for it myself and went everyweek. It was good to talk to someone but It didn't help me. My counsellor was more hollostic who just kept saying 'be positive'.

From Christmas this is the lowest I've been. Any other time I have managed to crawl myself out. But this time I feel like I'm drowning. People are starting to notice. My friends and family are commenting on my mood swings. I don't enjoy spending time with them. All I do is go to work and come home. I don't have the motivation to do anything else. I have become a hermit. Rarely leave the house when I'm off. I'm cowing 30 I should be out enjoying life but instead i count down the hours until I can go to sleep.

I just don't know who I am anymore. There's no joy. There's just nothing. I feel broken. Instead of living I'm existing. I have looked into natural ways to help such as supplements and vitamins. I really don't want to go down the route of anti depressants because I've have had 2 already and they just made me feel worse. There's just no spark left and I don't know what to do.

Suzi
02-04-18, 08:56 AM
Hi and welcome to DWD. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now.
When was the last time you spoke to your GP about how you are feeling? I know you've already tried 2 anti d's which didn't work for you, but there are loads of different ones which work better for others - the problem is that it isn't an exact science finding what helps you best. I know my husband tried several before finding the fluoxetine helped him - then it came back and fluoxetine didn't help so now he's on Venlafexine which has been amazing for him!

You can get through this - it's not easy, but you can....

Paula
02-04-18, 10:39 AM
Hi and welcome. Suziís right, please go and talk to your doctor again - to discuss meds but also because your doctor can help you access other treatments eg talking therapy.

Well done on losing all that weight! Thatís fantastic :). Do you exercise? Itís well known that exercise helps lift depression ...

Jaquaia
02-04-18, 11:28 AM
Hi and welcome. Can I ask how long you tried the ADs for? It's just that annoyingly, in the first few weeks they can often make you feel worse and they can take a couple of months before you start to feel any real benefit.

OldMike
02-04-18, 12:31 PM
Hello welcome to DWD.

Anti depressants can take some time to take effect and often make you feel worse before you start to feel better, you need to persist with them which isn't easy when you feel they are making you worse. Have you seen your GP lately?

sallyb
02-04-18, 08:14 PM
Hello

So sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. I have been struggling a lot lately as well. The same lack of joy and just feeling like I am existing.

I have been trying every day to add one thing just for me on my list to do. Even just as simple as a bubble bath can make me feel like I have had one good thing in the day.

Today I told myself I could have a coffee and a biscuit in the cafe.

Tomorrow I am going to pop in a couple of charity shops on way back from hospital before I go back to work

Can you think of one thing to add to your list to do tomorrow just for you?

Greeneyes
02-04-18, 09:45 PM
Hey - thanks for the replies.

I took fluoxetine for over 2 months but as I said it just made me feel numb. Citalopram I took for nearly 3 weeks but it just didn't agree with me. Went to the doctors and he told me to stop taking it. He gave me some diazepam to cope with any withdrawels. This was last January. I haven't spoken to my doctor about it since. I thought there'd be no point. Started paying myself for counselling around last August. But it was very dear and like i said I didn't get much out of it.

I'm currently just looking at things like supplements and vitamins to help me. I want to try everything first so if I need to go back to the doctor I can say I tried my best myself.

The frustrating part is i know that excercise and a healthy diet can work wonders for your mental health. But the irony is when you're feeling like crap there is no motivation.

Suzi
02-04-18, 10:52 PM
I think we all know that one.... Might be worth going and at least keeping the Dr in the loop. You could also get referred for talking therapy on the NHS if your Dr thinks its appropriate.

Paula
02-04-18, 10:53 PM
Hunni, if youíre feeling as bad as you say, supplements and vitamins are not going to help - at least not on their own. Please talk to your dr