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Hereforyou
17-03-18, 02:37 PM
Hi there,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now. Our relationship has been mostly very good (I say mostly because like every relationship we have had ups and downs) but we have done so many wonderful and lovely things together over the years, creating beautiful memories and having a wonderful time together.

In early December things were great, we were on holiday having a blast, we were looking at wedding rings and baby clothes for a while, planning a future with each other, something we've been talking about for a couple of years.

After Christmas however things shifted and my boyfriend suddenly became a different person. At first he would simply be irritable, tired and moody, this caused a lot of arguments between us as of course I didn't realise what was going on and just thought he was being moody. We've never been a couple that argues every week but without fail the weekend would come along and it felt as though he was purposely starting arguments. At the end of February it became apparent that he had fell into severe depression as he admitted that he was miserable and he didn't know why, he begun talking about thoughts to commit suicide and saying nasty things about our relationship and about me, saying nothing makes him happy. He told me how he needed to get his head together and needed space because he was miserable and how he was messed up. He begun doing stupid things to purposely "set me up" and put ideas of another woman into my head, something which truly breaks my heart.

We are now in March and he has now started antidepressants (just over a week today) and will start therapy shortly, but I am struggling massively. In the months prior we argued non-stop and he keeps hanging up on that, saying our relationship was bad and how all we did was argue. He left to get some space but came back a few hours later, still telling me however that he didn't know if space would have worked because he didn't give it long enough but also saying how he loves me and doesn't want me to be the reason hes depressed, saying how I've made him the happiest he's ever been and how I am the best thing that's ever happened to him. It's just so hurtful that he thinks that I could be making him depressed.

We spoke about his issues with me and our relationship and I've agreed to change those things since he started the antidepressants I have tried my absolute hardest to be happy, cheerful, supportive and not moany.

Admittedly this has been incredibly hard for me, this is the guy of my dreams who I love very dearly. He has said and done so many hurtful things in the last couple of weeks, he's becoming reclusive and seems to always be miserable with me only despite me trying to be positive and upbeat. I've told him that I will support him through things but I don't know what's going through his mind or if he even wants to be with me anymore.(swear)

It sounds stupid but he keeps being strange with his Facebook and hiding our relationship on it, this hurts massively as he knows it upsets me but he seems to continue to do it, and I am not sure if he's doing it because he's depressed or because he wants to push me away and make me leave him.

He's lost all interest in me physically and doesn't seem to even want to hold my hand anymore, I've been told to give him space and go out more, to also stop being as affectionate as that may not be what he wants right now but it's so hard as I just want to hold him in my arms 😢 .

Is it normal for depressed people to completely withdraw from their partner physically and emotionally and to act suspicious/strange.? What should I do, should I withdraw a bit or keep being around?

For the record, he took antidepressants for about 2 weeks before in August but stopped them suddenly. As far as I am aware he has never been diagnosed with depression before but has had bouts of sadness in the past and suffers with ADHD.

magie06
17-03-18, 03:18 PM
Hi there. I'm just going to say welcome to DWD.
Just a heads up on antidrpressants, they can take from four to six weeks to get into the system and start to work. I can understand why your boyfriend stopped taking them before if he thought they weren't working.
It can be very difficult when someone is going through a depressive crisis because sometimes it can last just a few days or other times it can last months. There really is no telling how long it's going to last.
Your boyfriend has really done all the right things, going to his doctor and starting in the meds. The therapy will also help but again it takes time.
I think it is perfectly normal for someone who's depressed to withdraw from everyone around them. If you have thoughts in your head that you are useless and worthless, sometimes it's easier to pull back from people to avoid hurting them too. For me, it's almost like I think depression is contagious and I don't want to infect anyone else.

Paula
17-03-18, 04:01 PM
Hi and welcome. I’ve added a trigger warning to your thread. It’s nothing to worry about but just ensures anyone who needs to avoid certain subjects, can.

I know when I’m very low my emotions are numbed and, though I know I love my husband very much, I can’t feel that love itms. It’s a coping mechanism but one that, with the mood swings, can put a huge strain on relationships. It can seem easier to push our loved ones away and, in our twisted thinking, seems as if that’s the best option for our loved ones.

That knowledge doesn’t make it any easier for our loved ones to deal with, I know, and in no way excuses anyone from behaving badly to the people we love. But I hope it helps you understand your partner a little bit more

Suzi
17-03-18, 04:05 PM
Hi and welcome. Whilst a symptom of depression is pulling away from those you love because you may not think you deserve them, or they'd be better off without you or you're bringing them down too etc being nasty isn't. You say he was trying to set you up - what do you mean? Ideas of another woman - what that he's involved with another woman?
What things has he asked you to change about yourself?

Sweetheart whilst he may have stuff to deal with, you are important and valid and actually the way that you feel is important too..

Hereforyou
17-03-18, 05:48 PM
Thanks for your message.

I know it takes time, I am just so unsure if I am doing the right or wrong thing, if going out and giving him space is a good idea or if that's going to lead him to feeling like I don't care ��

I am also struggling to deal with it myself quite a bit, though he may say he loves me his actions don't resemble that and that's really playing on my insecurities, especially with him being quite distant.

In terms of him trying to "set me up" hes been going to a cafe for lunch whilst at work, he knew that I was spying on his Facebook so he searched for one of the girls profiles in the case, not friending her or messaging her (that I know of) but looking her profile up knowing that I may see it. Apparently his idea behind this was to prove that I was looking through his Facebook and when I confronted him about it he said it was simply to prove a point.

In terms of hiding our relationship status off of Facebook, he removed it (apparently by accident), he put it back a couple of days ago and then removed it again on Tuesday, hiding it from view. Again my insecurities are going through the roof as he's changed his phone password and Facebook password so that I cannot check anything or see if anything is going on.

Jaquaia
17-03-18, 06:01 PM
Can I ask why you were spying on his fb?

Suzi
17-03-18, 06:04 PM
Why don't you trust him? If you are spying and logging onto his phone and facebook then it suggests to me that that you have serious trust issues..

Hereforyou
17-03-18, 06:42 PM
I do have trust issues unfortunately, in August (when he was first on antidepressants) I found inappropriate messages to another girl that he sent in March when he was away for the weekend �� . I don't think he will ever cheat but at times I do think he talks to girls I appropriately.

Suzi
17-03-18, 07:16 PM
But you spying on him is only going to be causing pain to you and pain to your relationship. I don't condone it, but I do understand why he tried to make you look bad about not trusting him...

Hereforyou
17-03-18, 07:22 PM
You are right and I've promised to turn over a new leaf. I've certainly tried. Except now he's constantly on the phone these days and doing as mentioned with Facebook. It's really hard when you've already got trust issues and now he's like this. I've not said anything about it as of course I am trying to be understanding and supportive but he's making me feel terrible when I am sitting thete trying to welcome him home and all I am getting is him staring down at his phone.

Paula
17-03-18, 08:17 PM
Sweetie, a relationship can not survive if there’s no trust. Thing is, despite your assurances, it’s clear you don’t trust him. But it’s also clear he doesn’t trust you - else he wouldn’t have blocked your access to his phone etc.

Have you considered relationship counselling?

Suzi
17-03-18, 08:31 PM
I agree about relationship counselling...

magie06
17-03-18, 08:34 PM
It's something that I'm going to be doing shortly. It's because during this crisis I didn't talk to my husband, and our relationship hasn't been the best because of that.

Hereforyou
18-03-18, 02:00 PM
There has been trust in the past and he abused that very recently, so of course it will take time to build trust back up, whilst building it back up this has happened which has of course made things worse because I went from being the best thing in his life to him walking out claiming to need space.

I would just really like some help and advice on dealing with the feelings that he doesnt want me anymore, he isn't interested in intimacy or being passionate and claims to want space but then says he doesn't know. That's what hurtful and upsetting, feeling as though this is my fault.

Last night he wanted to talk and said after a week on antidepressants he doesn't feel better and doesn't think they'll work. He said that everyday he wakes up he feels 1% less of his original self, I've tried to reassure him that these things take time and asked him what I can do to help but he just seems so lost. I asked him if he wants to leave because I am not helping that he can and I will understand, we started talking abput our holiday and I tried to reassure him that he will get back to feeling happy like that again and he ended up having a panic attack (or anxiety attack I am not sure of the difference) .

I am trying very hard to be strong for him but I don't know what's the right thing to do, give him space and time or be supportive with time.

This is so hard ��

Jaquaia
18-03-18, 02:21 PM
A week is far to early to know if they're going to work. Antidepressants take anywhere from 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels so he won't see a difference yet. He needs to stick with the meds and make sure he's taking them properly and if he isn't feeling any different after a month to 6 weeks, then he needs to go back to his GP and discuss it as he may need a dosage adjustment or to try a different AD altogether. It's important that he realises that he didn't get this ill overnight and he will need time to get better. ADs aren't a quick fix, it's trial and error finding one that will work as everyone responds differently. It's not a one size fits all treatment I'm afraid.

Could you sit and look at the Time to Change website together?

Suzi
18-03-18, 02:59 PM
I completely agree with Jaq. Anti d's don't work like a paracetamol, and most people get side effects when they first start taking them, but those should pass in a couple of weeks.

Hereforyou
19-03-18, 10:39 AM
I keep telling him that he needs to allow himself time to get better, I know that this isn't an easy fix and keep trying to reaffirm to him that it will take time and he just has to try (as hard as I know that is for him right now) to be positive. He just seems to be much more concerned with wanting to know what's caused it and I've told him he needs to deal with that during therapy and when he's feeling better in himself.

I love this man, and prior to this our relationship was a very happy, enjoyable and loving one, I am trying to remember those times and trying to support him in the hope that we can get back to those times together.

I guess I just wanted advice and guidance that sometimes when people get depression they push the ones they love away and they lose all desire to be physical and affectionate with that person, and because of that what's the best way to act with him. As we have always been very affectionate, I don't want to continue to be affectionate with someone who moves away when I try to hold his hand, for both fear of rejection and also fear of being too pushy for him right now, but at the same time I don't want to completely stop all affection if that will make him feel unloved.

I just want to do what's best for him right now, I have asked how he wants me to be with him and he says that he doesn't know, so perhaps others might have some insight?

Suzi
19-03-18, 12:53 PM
I remember my now husband telling me that he didn't know if he still loved me or our children. He said that nothing had changed, so he thought he probably did, but couldn't be sure. It broke my heart, but I told him that it was all going to be OK because I loved him and them enough for both of us.
For us things have worked out and we're still together - it's not been easy and it doesn't work out for so many, but for us it did. We've always been open and honest to each other about how we feel etc.

Hereforyou
19-03-18, 06:40 PM
It's lovely that things worked out for the two of you, I hope I can love him enough for both of us.

May I ask, when your husband felt better, was your relationship different I.e. did it go back to how it was, or was it better/worse for a time period?

Suzi
19-03-18, 08:27 PM
It's stronger. I think we realised that if we can get through his breakdown, almost losing our home etc then we can get through anything.

Paula
19-03-18, 08:34 PM
I’d say the same, my marriage is much stronger now we’ve been through this. But you have got to get through it first ....

Hereforyou
20-03-18, 08:05 AM
I am pleased for you both that it has made things stronger.

He cried again last night, he's fed up of feeling this way and just wants to get better, hes confused about everything and doesn't know what he wants or how he feels about anything anymore. He keeps saying he kisses his old self and that this isn't him.

I feel terrible for him. I showed him a video of himself when we were on holiday, he was so happy and cheerful in the video. I told him that in time he will go back to that, but he needs to give it time.

He's so scared and feels worthless and ashamed. I truly wish I could take all of this pain away from him and make him feel better again.

I keep telling him to give it time and that he should allow the full 2 weeks for it to get into his system and a few more weeks to start working before he gets concerned that it's not working as that is what the doctor has told him.

I've told him that everyone believes he will get better and that he should Trust in those around him. Constantly trying to reassure him that he has my support, understanding and faith that he will get better. I told him that together we can do this and that I am there to listen when he needs to offload. He said he's exhausted (not sleeping properly) and that he's been putting on a front recently to try and act happy.

Are those the right types of things to be saying.? Should I be saying something different or should I be taking him out of his routine and doing things that he can enjoy?

Hereforyou
20-03-18, 08:06 AM
Sorry autocorrect changing "missing" to kissing.

Suzi
20-03-18, 09:30 AM
Sweetheart you know him best. There is no blanket "right" things to be saying. You are being kind and honest about how you are feeling then that's all that anyone can ask of you x

Hereforyou
20-03-18, 10:17 AM
I honestly don't know what to do right now, he doesn't know what he wants or needs which means neither do I.

I've tried not to talk to him too much about how I am feeling, I don't want to bug him down with all of that or make things harder for him.

I just feel so lonely around him these days, he says he cuddles me not because he wants to but because he knows I like it, and that he doesn't want to be bothered for anything, that upsets me massively because he used to hold me.

Even the secrecy is bothering me massively, normally I would say to him if he wants me to trust him why does he hide everything and why has he changed his passwords to EVERYTHING, but I don't want to say those things right now as I don't want to make things worse.

Suzi
20-03-18, 11:02 AM
One thing I learnt - ignoring how you are feeling and shutting out what's in your head is never going to end well. You need to say what's in your head as your feeling are just as important and valid.

I started with focusing on the basics - making sure he's eating and drinking. Whenever I got a drink, I got one for him - whether he drank it or not, the same with food.
Talk to him. Tell him that you want to do what you can to help, but you don't know what to do to help.

Is he on meds?

Hereforyou
20-03-18, 03:19 PM
I am scared that telling him how I am feeling will make him feel worse.

Yeah I've been trying to make sure all of those things, I cook the dinner and stuff to make sure he's eating something healthy. He's still suffering with his tummy and sleeping as a side effect of the meds though.

Last night he kept talking about how he is confused about everything and doesn't know what he wants, aside from to feel normal again. Of course I know that includes me and being confused about us and wanting to still be with me.

I've told him I am there to help and support but he's just so unsure about what he wants.

Part of me wants to give him space and time to clear his head and find out if he really wants to be with me, but I'd feel like I am abandoning him. The other part of me wants to see it through for the meds to kick in before I make a big decision.

Yes, he's on citalopram, it will be 2 weeks taking them on Thursday this week, of course I know that they could take 8 weeks for him to feel the affects but he's in such a rush.

Suzi
20-03-18, 03:34 PM
But your feelings are no less important than his.
Might be worth reminding him that he didn't get this poorly overnight and it's going to take a while to work through everything.

Jaquaia
20-03-18, 03:52 PM
If he needs to talk to someone who understands then he could always sign up here. We have private sections we could provide access to so you can both talk without fear of upsetting the other. Sometimes, talking to someone who has suffered the same thing can help so much.

Hereforyou
22-03-18, 08:41 AM
I tried to remind him that this is equally hard on me too and he got upset so it didn't go down well.

He looks so fed up all of the time bless him, I am trying my hardest to be positive and supportive without showing how much it's affecting me.

He's a very closed off person, feelings aren't something that he shares (which is probably how he got like this) so this wouldn't be something he would do, I've suggested it to him but he's not comfortable with it.

We are still waiting on the therapy as our doctors are pretty useless at doing anything and it's taken them 2 weeks to even send the referral.

Today is 2 weeks exactly since he started the medication, should we both expect to see small improvements from now or will it take a little longer before we see any improvements to his mood.? He's still suffering with the side effects (trouble staying asleep, lack of apetite, sickness, nausea and diarrhoea) so should these at least start to go now it's been 2 weeks.?

Paula
22-03-18, 09:43 AM
Just because he got upset doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to hear it. You can’t tread on eggshells around him, hunni. The side effects should start to improve now but he may continue to have some - it’s a case of whether they’re easier to cope with than the illness. Generally, there should be a gradual improvement over the next few weeks but there’s no hard and fast rules I’m afraid and it’s often difficult to see until you look back on it itms

Hereforyou
22-03-18, 09:49 AM
Yeah you're right, he kept saying how hard it is for him too but ultimately I told him that I'll support him and if right now that doesn't matter it will matter when things improve for him.

It's just so hard with him saying he's confused about everything, my parents want me to give him till the end of the month (end of next week) and if he is still confused then I should ask him to move back in to his mum's while he decides. I've asked him a few times if he wants me to leave or if he wants to leave and have some space and he says no, but still says he's confused.

He's going out with his friend on Friday, I think it will be good for him to let his hair down and enjoy himself. I am hoping it's the start to recovery.

Suzi
22-03-18, 09:52 AM
I completely agree with Paula. If he's still having negative side effects by the middle of next week then he really needs to go back to the Dr and look at maybe changing the dose or the medication.

I'm really glad you spoke to him re how you are feeling and agree that although he got upset, he had to hear it. Walking on eggshells is exhausting and chances are you'll end up in a pretty crappy place yourself - I know that from experience....

Jaquaia
22-03-18, 10:30 AM
It's worth mentioning if he's going to be going out and drinking that alcohol is a depressant and may actually make him feel worse

Hereforyou
22-03-18, 04:07 PM
He has an appointment for the doctors the week after, they seemed pretty happy with just issuing him another dose and seeing him again 3 weeks later.

My parents think I should ask him to move out next weekend if he is still saying he is confused about being with me, I am not sure if that's the right decision though.?

I've mentioned the alcohol to him, he very rarely drinks so I am hoping enjoying himself with friends might be a good idea.

Paula
22-03-18, 04:58 PM
How long have you been living together? Who’s house is it? How old are you both?

Hereforyou
22-03-18, 05:58 PM
We've been living together for 3 years, it's my home but I will happily stay at my parents for a while and we've been together 4 years. I am 25 and he's 28

Rented home as we were planning to buy at the end of this year.

Paula
22-03-18, 06:15 PM
Then maybe it’s a bit premature to talk about anybody moving out? If he’d broken his leg you wouldn’t be thinking about s9mething so drastic - it’s going to be hard but surely it’s worth working on this?

Suzi
22-03-18, 08:31 PM
I agree, I'd not want to be making such major decisions right now...

Hereforyou
23-03-18, 11:34 AM
I don't want him to move out, I do feel like he is trying. He's trying to not be as miserable and trying to be talkative and make jokes or smirks at things.

He's said he's doing it all to try to feel normal and happy. He takes his medication at the same time everyday, tries to keep busy. So I am pleased and positive that he genuinely is trying, I just hope he feels an improvement soon.

Of course I miss the affection from him but I am hoping thast will come back soon.

He has broken his hand funnily enough and even then he wanted to rush things.

I love him to bits and want to try to support him as best as possible.

Suzi
23-03-18, 12:25 PM
I think you're doing great lovely! Check out the time-to-change website, it'll give you ways of opening conversations if you need them.

Hereforyou
23-03-18, 03:42 PM
Thank you, it really means a alot to hear that.

One thing he mentioned last night and a couple of times before was thawt he hates that none of the rooms in our home have been fully completed in terms of decorating. So I've organised with my dad that whilst he is at work on Monday I will finish all the decorating in the house so that he comes home to see it's all done and looks much more cosy.

Hopefully that might boost his mood and if that is one of the contributing factors to his depression that should be fixed in a sense.

Hereforyou
23-03-18, 03:42 PM
That****

Paula
23-03-18, 03:45 PM
Just be careful he won’t think it’s the father in law passing comment on his ability to do the decorating ...... would it perhaps be an idea to talk to him about it first?

Hereforyou
23-03-18, 04:20 PM
My dad has helped us out with alot of decorating in the past, he's normally fine with it apart from thinking he doesn't do as good a job as him.

He would know I organised everything and hopefully be cheerful about that.

Suzi
23-03-18, 05:26 PM
I'd still mention it though tbh...

Hereforyou
23-03-18, 06:13 PM
Do you not think it would be a nice surprise?

Jaquaia
23-03-18, 06:28 PM
He might see it as a nice surprise but depression isn't always rational. He could see it as a reflection on himself as Suzi said.

Paula
23-03-18, 08:15 PM
I really think it’d be safer ....

Hereforyou
24-03-18, 04:27 PM
I've mentioned it vaguely so hopefully that'll help him..!

He went out with his friend last night, he said he had a good time and told his friend about his depression. I am glad he did. He was crying this morning though saying he feels messed up. I feel so sad for him.

Suzi
24-03-18, 05:24 PM
It's brilliant that he is telling friends. It's not an easy conversation for him to have had.

Hereforyou
24-03-18, 05:37 PM
I am pleased he's telling his close friend.

He's also going to do his hobby tomorrow, which he says he is excited for so I am pleased about that too.

It still concerns me that he is saying he's messed up and confused though, I feel it's just with me.

Suzi
24-03-18, 06:02 PM
Which hobby? It's not just you, it'll be loads of things - but you know the old saying about pushing away the ones we love the most? That's about right....

Paula
24-03-18, 07:43 PM
I know we keep saying it, lovely, but it’s just going to take time. It sounds like he’s starting doing things he hasn’t been able to cope with for a while, so there’s improvement already :)

Hereforyou
24-03-18, 08:45 PM
Paintball.. He said that it was annoying him too but he said he's excited to go tomorrow..!

I hope so, it's just so hard, we were very affectionate and now there's nothing at all, I ask for a cuddle every now and again and it's just like he can't be bothered. Hearing him say he's confused all of the time is so upsetting.

My brother wldoesnt understand mental health very well and asked me if he's depressed because he's guilty about something or if his attentions have been drawn away by someone else. It upsets me so much because I can't stop myself having those feelings when people say them. My dad wants me to talk to my partner again next time he says he's confused and tell him it's not fair that he keeps leaving me in limbo, and that I am having all of these thoughts and feelings.

I just don't want to rock the boat too much.

Suzi
24-03-18, 09:13 PM
My Mum told me to pack Marc's stuff and throw them out of the window if he "didn't buck up his ideas" or if I wouldn't move home..... Maybe you need to tell them to back off a bit?

Paula
24-03-18, 10:04 PM
I know they mean well but it’s your relationship, not theirs, and your future.

Hereforyou
24-03-18, 11:21 PM
Yeah maybe.....

I just think they're seeing him fine with paintball, work and his friends and just miserable with me and our dog. They know how affectionate I am and how much this is breaking my heart.

I don't know if going for a bit would be a good idea or not as I really feel like he's just miserable with me.

Suzi
25-03-18, 08:48 AM
I remember it well love - but actually for my husband it was more than at home he didn't feel that he needed to pretend....

Hereforyou
25-03-18, 10:18 AM
Hmm perhaps you're right, he has said that he's trying to "act normal and happy" because it may help him.

I just feel so lonely in my relationship, I hate having to ask for a cuddle and feeling wrong for doing so.

Suzi
25-03-18, 10:53 AM
Have you told him this?

Hereforyou
25-03-18, 11:15 AM
Not in so many words... He just doesn't seem like he cares about how I feel... When I asked if he misses cuddles and kisses and stuff he said kind of but doesn't really want them.....

Suzi
25-03-18, 11:20 AM
Maybe you could tell him that you do miss them? Your feelings are just as valid.

Do you think you can work through this? Remind me, is he on meds/having therapy?

Hereforyou
25-03-18, 12:00 PM
I've told him and he says he knows.

I don't know.... I just don't feel like he wants to be with me anymore.. He's been taking 20mg of Citalopram for 2 weeks.. He's still having the side effects of bad sleeping and a really bad tummy, everything he eats just goes straight through him.

He hasn't started therapy yet and we are due to find out when he will start it.

I told him that maybe he should go back to the doctors rega ring the side effects but he just said "why so they can give me more drugs that don't even work" so he's not feeling as though they're working.

Paula
25-03-18, 12:13 PM
They won’t be working yet, please just keep reminding him of that. I know it seems forever but it does get better ...

Hereforyou
25-03-18, 12:56 PM
I try to..... I always try to constantly convince myself that too.........

I just want to cry... This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with... It's hurts so much and I can't stop this king it's all my fault he's like this.......

Jaquaia
25-03-18, 02:17 PM
There's not always a reason for depression so try not to blame yourself. Do you have any support from people who will just quietly be there for you rather then advising you to move out/kick him out?

Suzi
25-03-18, 03:50 PM
If the side effects don't ease this week then please try to get him to go back to the Drs. Not each medication works for each person - every member of the mod/admin team alone all have found different meds at different doses to work best...

Hereforyou
25-03-18, 11:41 PM
It's really hard not to blame myself.. We went out today for some dinner and a movie to try and take him out of the house.. Earlier in the day he had been doing his hobby.. We talked alot about it and he seemed to genuinely light up talking about it.. Even laughed and smiled a little bit
.

As soon as it came to the end of the night though he seemed to go back to being miserable, especially when I told him I had a good time. All I got from him was "yeah" like he didn't enjoy himself with me but says he enjoyed himself at paintball.

My parents are being supportive, my dad went through something similar with my mum. I think they're just concerned that he seems fine with everything else but just miserable with me and they're watching my heart break daily when I talk to them.

Paula
26-03-18, 08:27 AM
Have you heard about the Spoon Theory? https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

It’s possible that, by the time he got to the end of the evening, he was absolutely drained and that will take a toll on his mood. Maybe he would have coped better with dinner or a movie. He will want to push himself, I suspect, to prove he’s ok, but that may not be the best thing for him.

Hereforyou
26-03-18, 08:37 AM
No I hadn't. Thank you.

Perhaps you're right... I just don't know what to think and feel anymore.. It's all so hard and I feel like I am being dragged along for a ride I can't get off of.

He's throwing himself into his hobby, going again Friday and Sunday this week but doesn't seem to be at all different with me. He keeps saying how he is confused but he doesn't seem confused about anything else apart from me :(

Suzi
26-03-18, 08:45 AM
Sweetheart this seems to be tearing you apart. You sound totally sad and drained by it all.... Maybe you need to have a talk with him and tell him what you're telling us.

Hereforyou
26-03-18, 09:12 AM
I don't feel like I can talk to him about it.. He hates when I go on and on so unless he opens up about how he's feeling I don't want to talk about it all.

I feel like if he continues telling me he's confused about everything (when he doesn't seem confused about paintball or work) then I may have to tell him to go get space round his mum's.

Paula
26-03-18, 09:26 AM
Have you thought about writing him a letter explaining how you feel? Hunni, if he says he’s only confused about you, that’s probably because your relationship is what matters most to him, and what involves the strongest feelings. I can’t say this enough, it’s still really early days with the treatment ....

Suzi
26-03-18, 12:41 PM
I completely agree with Paula. Are the side effects lessening at all for him?

Hereforyou
27-03-18, 10:13 AM
Yesterday I did his surprise for him.. He seemed a little overwhelmed but definitely liked it.. He broke down crying whilst I was showing him everything.. He said that he still feels terrible and it's beginning to creep up all the time.. He said when he was at paintball he just froze and begun thinking about his depression and how he had to tell some people as they noticed he wasn't himself.. Including his manager at work. He still doesn't know what's caused it and nothing seems to make him happy.. He then went on to say how he's making everyone miserable and feels awful about it... Despite telling him he wasnt making me miserable he told me he had overheard a conversation between me and my dad the other week where I told my dad I was really upset and how my dad was concerned about me..

Thankfully that prompted me in to telling him how I felt and why I said those things, that I feel as though he doesn't want me and wanted to end things. He didn't say much when I said those things but did he did say he loves me...

I told him it's early days and that we can get through it together.... He wanted to stop the conversation after a while so we did...

The side effects don't seem to be lessening just yet.. I've told him to go back to the doctors but he has an appointment next week Friday so said he will just wait till then....

Suzi
27-03-18, 11:14 AM
Bless him! Everything he said could have been said by my husband when he was really poorly. I'm glad you managed to tell him how you are feeling etc

Keep talking...

Hereforyou
27-03-18, 01:22 PM
Did your husband ever figure out what triggered his depression...

Thank you for your kind words and advice.. Is there anything I can do to help i.e. take him out or things like that..?

Suzi
27-03-18, 03:56 PM
Actually he's recently finished a very long and intensive course of psychotherapy and he and his therapist have worked out where it stems from. It's been long, hard and exceptionally painful journey and he's no where near through it. He's on a break "to let it all sink through and let him use the techniques" for a while until he starts counselling.

With Marc we went out taking pictures which really helped as he's an awesome photographer.
All you can do is sit and listen....

Hereforyou
28-03-18, 07:52 AM
I understand. Just have been a long and tough road for you guys. How long until you started to feel better in the relationship.?

At the moment I am just a bit upset about the lack of reassurance from him, I told him how I felt he didn't want me anymore and how I questioned if another woman was involved and he didn't say anything. Is it normal for them to not even bother to reassure you.?

Paula
28-03-18, 08:46 AM
If he’s feeling anything like I did, it’s not about not bothering to reassure you, it may not be intentional. When I’m ill I can’t cope with emotionally charged conversations, at all. So the easiest way round that is avoidance - keep quiet and hope the conversation is over quickly itms

Suzi
28-03-18, 10:21 AM
Marc and I have been together for almost 19 years. We've had good times and bad times, but it's about getting the help and working through things together.

Hereforyou
28-03-18, 10:25 PM
Yeah you're probably both right.. It's just so lonely even sitting watching a film together.. He's got his back to me in a corner whereas normally we would be cuddled up together.. I feel bad for even wanting one and I certainly don't feel it's okay to get one.

Hereforyou
28-03-18, 11:09 PM
He said today that he feels lovely despite everyone being around him. He's being very negative and thinking he won't get better, calling himself broken and asking why I love a broken man. I've told him to start forcing himself to be positive and pinch himself when he is being negative.

I am not sure what else to suggest..? Or try.

I ask how I can help and he says he doesn't know, just that he feels nothing at all.

Suzi
29-03-18, 08:46 AM
When's his next Drs appointment? Can you go with him? I really think he needs to see them...

Hereforyou
29-03-18, 12:00 PM
It's the 6th April... He doesn't want me to go with him.. I've offered plenty of times and he's always said that he doesn't feel comfortable.....

He has a telephone assessment for therapy today... I hope that goes well..

Hereforyou
29-03-18, 12:01 PM
That previous post was meant to say lonely not lovely

Paula
29-03-18, 05:49 PM
How did the call go, do you know?

Suzi
29-03-18, 06:26 PM
It's fine to ask him how it went...

Hereforyou
29-03-18, 10:33 PM
He missed the call.. So will have to reschedule it on Tuesday after the bank holiday...

Suzi
29-03-18, 10:50 PM
Why did he miss it? Accidental or on purpose?

Hereforyou
30-03-18, 08:10 AM
Accidental.. He was at work at the time...

Suzi
30-03-18, 10:25 AM
Fair enough, hope he calls to rearrange.

Hereforyou
30-03-18, 01:34 PM
I hope so too.. I just want him to get better..! Still no progress at 3 weeks.. Although I did give him a cuddle in bed last night and he seemed to cuddle his back into me a bit more..! I am just so scared.....

Jaquaia
30-03-18, 01:50 PM
The meds need more time and then it's possible that he'll need a dosage adjustment

Hereforyou
30-03-18, 02:18 PM
I know people have said that thast they take between 6 to 8 weeks to start affecting him, if he needs a dosage adjustment how would that impact when he starts to feel better..?

Jaquaia
30-03-18, 02:30 PM
It generally takes the same length of time for dose changes to work too I'm afraid. It's not a quick fix but the right medication can save lives.

Suzi
30-03-18, 05:23 PM
I completely agree with everything Jaq's said.

Hereforyou
30-03-18, 09:23 PM
I know it isn't... Sadly he's wanting one.... I wish I knew what to say when he's feeling low and telling me he's fed up.. I just wish I knew what could even help....

If the meds haven't started to improve things by now is it likely he will need a dosage adjustment..??

Suzi
30-03-18, 10:31 PM
We're not medically qualified to answer that one lovely. That's down to his GP to sort with him. The GP might even suggest a complete change of medication if he's still having bad side effects...

Paula
31-03-18, 09:32 AM
I don’t always want my hubby to say something when I’m low, mostly I need hugs

Hereforyou
01-04-18, 09:40 AM
He says he doesnt feel anything at all when I hug him.. So I don't even think that helps....

Paula
01-04-18, 11:11 AM
Dont give up, just knowing you love him is enough at the moment, even if he doesn’t feel it

Flo
01-04-18, 11:39 AM
I had a bad bout of depression 2 years ago and all my husband could do was hug me. I could hardly string a sentence together let alone talk to him. I didn't see my daughter or grandchildren because I felt so numb - this is someone that can talk the hind legs off a donkey! All you can do is be there for him and give him a cuddle. Don't take his lack of conversation or intimacy personally. A lot of people with depression withdraw. The poor old brain can't handle much at all. It's frustrating that AD's take such a long time to kick in. And yes, he may need to have a dosage changed. But he'll get there in the end. It's a horrible thing to have, and even more horrible for partners to witness when they feel powerless to help. But it's not YOU. Everything crossed that he starts to feel better soon. Just keep loving him.

Suzi
01-04-18, 01:26 PM
Paula and Flo are right. It's tough, but you can do it...

Hereforyou
01-04-18, 02:43 PM
Thank you all so much.... I am so happy I found this forum.. Just to hear that people have gone through the same and come out the other side is so positive and keeps me feeling optimistic...

We went out with another couple last night and we had a really good time... He does seem to be less withdrawn and much more talkative and comfortable.. He even begun talking about our future again yesterday which makes me want to cry tears of joy....

It really really is tough.. Every time he cries and says he's fed up and wants to give up it breaks my heart... A couple of days ago he said he didn't think he could do it anymore and I just sat there telling him how strong he is and how he can beat this and get better.. How he has fought worse than this and got through it... I am trying to keep him strong even if I don't particularly feel strong myself...

The side effects also have seemed to wind down in the recent couple of days too.. He seems to be sleeping better (perhaps helped by the fact I bought us a super thick and soft mattress topper) and doesn't seem to have to run to the toilet after every meal.. He does still have a bad tummy when he goes but it's not as urgent anymore thankfully....

Flo
01-04-18, 04:11 PM
Him sleeping better will help a lot. Even if he fancies a nap during the day when time allows. The weather isn't going to be all that great but a bit of a walk, fresh air and things to see can help too. The new mattress topper sounds lovely!!(wasntme)

Hereforyou
01-04-18, 09:19 PM
Yeah I always let him nap when he feels he needs it.. I only ever wake him up when dinner is ready or we need to go out etc.. I am hoping things start to make a progressive turn... I certainly miss the old days but I am keeping positive that they will return soon enough....

Suzi
01-04-18, 09:50 PM
I'm so glad you are both talking. It really will help. I'm so glad that the side effects seem to be lessening too.

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 11:17 AM
Yeah I am glad he's talking to me too.. I am just trying to do really nice things for him and letting him feel loved..

Like last night I ran him a bath and while he was having a bath I set up the living room with candles and little snacks and blankets so he could come in and relax... Granted I know that's not going to fix things but I just want him to feel a little more like there's good things for him to focus on....

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 11:19 AM
When we went out Saturday night he had gotten a bit drunk... He was more touchy feely and even gave me a proper kiss... I know I sound like I am a teenager but it's been so long since he has kissed me like that and it was just nice... He was drunk when he did it and didn't remember it the following day but I was glad that I at least got a kiss....

Suzi
02-04-18, 02:14 PM
YAY!!!

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 02:20 PM
Gutted he had to be drunk to do it and he's forgotten that he done it but small victories I guess... He still doesn't want much physical interaction when he's sober and seems to pull away or get frustrated when I ask if I can cuddle him.. I think stopping myself from pulling back and being cold with him is the hardest part...

It sounds terrible but my birthday is coming up and I am really dreading it... At the moment I don't feel like his partner at all so I am dreading feeling like this on my birthday at the end of the month...

Paula
02-04-18, 02:25 PM
Have you planned anything for your birthday?

Suzi
02-04-18, 02:57 PM
Make sure you plan something to do to make you feel good on your birthday lovely....

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 03:24 PM
No I haven't... Normally he plans something and then my parents plan something so I tend not to bother..

My dad asked him yesterday and he seemed to have an idea of what he wants to do.. But I'd rather do nothing if it's just going to be difficult or lonely.....

Paula
02-04-18, 05:27 PM
Can you plan to do something with a girl friend? Lunch out or something?

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 06:14 PM
Yeah I can do I guess...

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 06:36 PM
All progress has gone out the window... Feeling a little low today as it's period time and it's making me a bit teary especially with all that's going on.. I told my partner I had period pain (which I did have) and that's why I was crying and he kept trying to ask me if I wanted tablets and stuff... I didn't want to and he kept asking why so in the end I just said I am just feeling a bit emotional because that's how periods make us women feel and he asked if it was because of him...

I said no it's not at all and he asked if I would tell him if he wasn't messed up.. I told him he wasn't messed up abdbhe said he was and he's miserable.. I said that he's not been miserable the last couple of days and he said he's been doing his hardest to smile lately and it's doing his head in pretending to be fine and he went out to get something for dinner....

Now I feel like crap.....

Suzi
02-04-18, 06:36 PM
I would ;)

Paula
02-04-18, 06:52 PM
Actually, I’d say that was significant progress. The fact he’s actually telling you what he’s been thinking is, imho, a great step forward for you both

Suzi
02-04-18, 07:34 PM
ahh we cross posted!
I think that he's talking to you and he's trying the "fake it till you make it" thing - which can actually help, but it's exhausting to try to pretend. I think he's doing brilliantly by actually talking!

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 09:13 PM
Do you think so.. He's always told me vaguely what's wrong.. But he said he's trying to put a smile on his face to not make everyone miserable...

Suzi
02-04-18, 09:22 PM
I think it's a positive step forward!

Hereforyou
02-04-18, 09:59 PM
I hope so... I was feeling so optimistic and then that happened and I wasn't....

He's so hung up on what caused it and I keep telling him not to focus on that because he may never know.... And I told him that he expects me to take his word for it that he loves me when he's not acting like it so he needs to take my word for it when I say it's not him....

Suzi
02-04-18, 10:55 PM
Is not that easy lovely. I wish it was, but it just isn't...

Hereforyou
03-04-18, 06:27 AM
What do I do then :( ..?

Paula
03-04-18, 09:14 AM
It’s easier said than done but you need to give it some time. It’s still really early days and, from what you’ve said, there has been a little improvement so there's hope ....

Hereforyou
03-04-18, 11:32 AM
I really want to.... I felt like there was progress too but he doesn't think there has been any..

This morning he looked so sad going to work.. It looked like he might cry.. I am not sure if that's because he's had a break and doesn't want to now go back or if that's because I was home again and he didn't want to go in but be just looked so sad.. I wish I could take all of his pain away.....

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 12:20 AM
How do I stop the feelings that I am making him frustrated..?

Today he seemed okay-ish until later on in the evening.. I went to go and give him a cuddle and as I was about to he just went "oh please don't" and I asked what and he said he thought I was going to attack him (play fight, something we haven't done in month ... It left me feeling really turned away so I just left to walk our dog...

When I came back he seemed fine again and then he started to get a bad belly so it was back to being frustrated.. I was asking if there's anything I can do or get him only to be met with a frustrated sounding "no" .. Then when we were laying in bed he told me how he's fed up with this side effects of his tummy and I asked him if he wanted a cuddle and he said yes but I noticed him moving so I asked if he wanted me to move and he replied again with a frustrated no..!

I said to him that I was sorry if I was frustrating him but didn't even get an acknowledgement back :( ...

I hate feeling like I have to ask for a cuddle (because he would never give me one) and I hate giving him a cuddle feeling like he just doesn't want me to...

Should I pull back and just leave all physical intimacy alone..??

Flo
04-04-18, 08:43 AM
He sounds as if he's doing the best he can bless him under the circumstances. And so are you. He's aware that you're struggling too. You're doing what every other loving partner would do. Trying to make things better and licking his wounds for him. Not only is he coping with the depression but the anxiety that accompanies it will be heightened too hence the reason I expect why he said "please don't" when you went to cuddle him! Something as silly as a teaspoon dropping on the kitchen floor can be enough to make us jump out of our skin! I'm sure that in time you'll have the old boyfriend back. And it does take time. Try and understand that it's not your fault. It's not his either! What are the chances of you getting out for a while with a few friends? Even if it's to meet up for a drink or a coffee and lunch? The last thing you want is to go down hill yourself. As for intimacy......I recall that the last thing I wanted was sex, especially feeling like a bag of (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)!(giggle) Don't give yourself a hard time and think you're being rejected. In time things will get better. All you have to do is be there for him....the rest will take care of itself. It's a shame that his stomach is playing up so much. Maybe he could go back to the doc and mention it. He might be able to give him something. Hang on in there Herry! (mind if I call you that?...hereforyou is a bit of a mouthful!) (panda)

Suzi
04-04-18, 08:47 AM
I don't know what the right thing to do is, but I tried backing off completely and I hated it. I think that you have to acknowledge what you want in your relationship too. If he's struggling fair enough, but you deserve to be acknowledged too.
How long has he been on the meds? If he's still struggling with the bad side effects, it might be worth going back and speaking to his Dr - maybe see if he'd allow you to go in with him, to fill in the parts from your point of view too? I know my husbands GP really liked that we went together... Even if you just wait outside, going and telling someone how you are feeling - intimate details that boys are conditioned out of talking about - is tough...

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 09:25 AM
Flo, he certainly does, I will be honest he deserves credit for the fact that he is trying, he is trying to "fake it till he makes it" as someone said before and he has been really good at taking his tablets despite feeling like they're not working and that the side effects are causing him more additional grief (his words not mine).

He says that the reason he said "please don't" was because he thought I was going to "play fight" with him (which is admittedly something I would do in normal circumstances) and he wasn't in the mood for that, which is fair enough. I am trying really hard to not blame myself, it's just so difficult when he feels so distant from me.

A HUGE part of me is absolutely petrified of getting hurt and just wants to leave and protect my heart and my feelings, convincing me that he's just being funny with me because he isn't in love with me anymore and doesn't want to stay with me.

I am back at work today so thankfully it should be much easier to take my mind off of things and enjoy some time away from him. I am also going to the gym sand doing exercise more frequently to just make myself feel better and more positive about myself.

I miss the intimacy massively, I hate having to question if I should or can cuddle him, if he is enjoying the cuddle, if I am allowed to cuddle him, it's just so disheartening. I know what you mean Suzi, but as I am quite an affectionate person I don't want to be too much or too pushy.

We are due to be going away for one night on Saturday as part of his hobby (paintball) as he has a tournament this weekend, the first of the year, and I am due to go with him, I am really nervous about it if I am honest, and with him not booking the tickets to go it's making me nervous that he doesn't want me to actually go now. I've asked him and he just says he doesn't mind, whereas before all of this he made several points about how it upsets him that I don't go with him.

Whilst the other part of me is saying that he had his chance to leave and he didn't, he still talks about a future with you and still cares about how you feel so he does still love you, and to believe in what he says when he says he loves me and doesn't want me to go. It's like a battle of my own demons to push the negative feelings aside and every time he doesn't cuddle me or gives me a lousy kiss (like this morning when he just kissed under my nose instead of my lips) they can't help but resurface.

Hahaha yes that's fine, my name is Becky if that helps :-) ...

He's been on the meds for 4 weeks tomorrow, he was due to go to the doctors on Friday but apparently the doctor he normally sees isn't in so they have rescheduled it for the following week so Friday 13th instead as he doesn't want to keep seeing different doctors. I've mentioned to him that he should tell the doctor as he told them before but they said that it should get better when the meds get into his system.

I've offered to go with him to the doctors but he says he doesn't feel comfortable me being there too, I am really not sure why :-( .....

Paula
04-04-18, 09:37 AM
He might feel constrained if you’re with him at the doctor’s - maybe that he won’t be able to say things about his state of mind in front of you. However, as a compromise, maybe you can ask if you could go in for a couple of minutes to tell the doctor about the changes in your relationship and how it’s affecting you. Then leave the room so he can talk in private.

As for the paint balling, maybe it’d do you both good to have some space - maybe you should consider not going?

Flo
04-04-18, 09:59 AM
It's early days yet. AD's take quite a while to kick in. When they do it'll be a relief for him and you. Don't beat yourself up about all of this B. I'm sure none of this is personal. Have faith! There are a lot of poor souls that battle this illness alone with no one to support and love them. He has you. You need to look after you too don't forget. Take it a day at a time, that's all you can do. I'm sure it'll come right in the end. Have a good day at work!(bear)

^^^^ exactly what Paula says!

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 10:09 AM
Perhaps.. It concerns me that he feels he can't be open and honest with me though...

I suppose I could ask but I am not sure he will want that or be tha t forthcoming..

To be perfectly honest, he's been the last couple of times without me as it's training so I don't go to that, but he has moaned and groaned for months about how I don't go to the tournament's to support him and even his new boss is going and he's only been around for a short while.. So me going was my way to show that I've listened to what he said and I am trying to change...

But now I've just asked my brother (the team captain) how much I owe for the room and apparently he hasn't even told my brother I am going so no room has even been booked for me and he's apparently sharing with someone else.. I feel absolutely gutted :'( .. It things like this that just make me want to go home later and pack a bag to stay at my mum's for a few days because he constantly makes me feel crappy and unwanted.......

Paula
04-04-18, 10:18 AM
Not being able to be open and honest is a usual state of affairs with anyone with a MH illness, it’s not personal. As for the paint balling, memory problems are also normal so it may just be he forgot to tell your brother. I’m not making excuses for him, hunni, but I am suggesting you don’t jump to conclusions about his behaviour. Ask him ......

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 10:47 AM
Yeah I can understand him not wanting to open up but that's just making me concerned that it's because of how he feels about me :( ...

He's always had a problem with remembering stuff.. But he was talking to my brother about it literally only a couple of days ago.. This is exactly why I feel like crap.. Because he says one thing and acts like another....

I want to go to support him and show him that I am trying too but now I just feel like walking away again...

Suzi
04-04-18, 04:28 PM
Only you can decide what to do... I know how hard it is to be the partner to someone with depression - but I also know how hard it is for those with depression to break through the darkness to function at all.....

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 08:48 PM
Yeah I guess... I am just so lonely and insecure because of it all...

I told him that maybe he needs go to the doctors and he didn't seem impressed by that...

I asked him about this weekend (which has now been cancelled due to weather) and he said he just forgot and didn't realise until today....

Suzi
04-04-18, 09:19 PM
It sounds to me as if he really does love you but is trying to fight that "I'm not good enough for her" evil weevil and all the other negativity that depression throws at you.... Sweetheart I know it's hard - believe me I really, truly do and I'm not making excuses for him at all... but if you want to make this work then a lot of it comes down to patience and a lot of talking and even more listening.
I know that sounds like a really sh(t answer and isn't giving you an answer, but it's the best I've got and I've been with Marc for 19 years.... It isn't always this hard....

Hereforyou
04-04-18, 11:35 PM
I really hope you're right.. This guy was the man I envisaged marrying.. I genuinely had never been happier than when I was with him..

I am trying to be patient and listen.. A huge proportion of it is my insecurities playing up right now.. Like you say though it is really hard...

We watched a film together again tonight.. I asked if I could move a pillow but his arm wasn't comfy.. I tried my luck and said that he could put it around me if he liked and he did.. We sat through a large portion of the film having a cuddle which was wonderful... Towards the end he did get hot and bothered and his stomach started to play up so he started to get irritable and talk rudely to me... I told him not to do that as I didn't appreciate it..

But I was happy that he gave me a cuddle..........

Paula
05-04-18, 08:53 AM
You did the right thing. It’s one thing being patient and understanding but you shouldn’t accept rudeness or nasty behaviour

Suzi
05-04-18, 09:31 AM
That's really good! A hug and you were completely right to not tolerate nastiness. That's just being an arse and has nothing to do with depression...

Hereforyou
05-04-18, 10:20 AM
No I wouldn't accept it.. I know it's him just being irritable and moody rather than anything else.....

Yeah I am really pleased about the hug.. Granted I had to ask if he wants to and I was concerned that he was doing it to please me rather than because he wanted to...

But he could have said no.....

Suzi
05-04-18, 01:15 PM
You sound like you are overthinking that one. If it's a hug, then take it ;)

Hereforyou
05-04-18, 02:17 PM
I over think every little thing haha.. That's me all over....

I'll take the hug.. I was really happy I got one anyway..

Suzi
05-04-18, 05:57 PM
Good!

Hereforyou
07-04-18, 11:55 AM
He went round to his mum's yesterday... He didn't want me to go with with him because he didn't want to stay long.. Didn't end up coming home until gone 11pm so by the time he came home I didn't really talk to him or see him as he was tired....

I had a really bad day at work yesterday.... I wanted nothing more than a cuddle from the man I love and him to cheer me up like he normally does.. Instead he came home.. Sat on the sofa and exchanged stories of how our day went and I told him I had a bad day... Didn't really get much from him sadly...

We went to bed and whilst in bed I said to him "I know you probably don't want to but I've had a really bad day and I could do with a cuddle", he opened his arm to say come here then and that was that....

I laid there crying for a bit while he was asleep.. I feel so lonely and sad in my own relationship...

Paula
07-04-18, 01:27 PM
Oh hunni, I’m sorry you’re so sad, but he did cuddle you - he is trying by the sounds of it

Suzi
07-04-18, 06:09 PM
I adore my husband, but if I'm telling him I've had a bad day or something's wrong he never thinks about giving me a hug - I ask or just manhandle my way in there ;) Maybe it's a bit of a "my head's so preoccupied dealing with this that I just don't think about it, but don't mean it personally" kind of thing?

Hereforyou
08-04-18, 12:00 PM
Thanks Paula and Suzi... He did give me a cuddle yes which was nice.....

Yesterday was an awful day.. I was still feeling very down about work they're making things personally about me) so didn't wake up feeling great...

By the sounds of it he didn't wake up feeling great either.. He asked me what was wrong and I told him I was still really upset about work and off I went to walk the dog.. He then went downstairs to ask my nanna if I was upset and if it was because he went to his mum's the night before.. I have no idea why he couldn't just accept that work upset me as it has been an issue multiple times in the past...

I cooked him breakfast and was fine with him until he started accusing me of interrogating him by asking about his day yesterday.... His work colleague phoned and mentioned that he was due to go out whilst at his mum's so I just asked about that as he didn't mention it to me.... Albeit he didn't go but I asked if that's why he didn't want me to go to his mum's with him as he wanted to go out.. That obviously annoyed him and he started getting the ump...

That eventually transcended into an argument sadly as he was being unfair and of course I wanted to defend myself...

A majority of the day was spent arguing as he typically took everything I was saying as a negative.. I told him that he keeps pushing me away which probably wasn't the best thing... I went round to my parents to see my nephews whilst he was out and he wasn't too happy about that.. He thought I had left him and wasn't going to come home for the night..

I asked him if he can handle a relationship right now and if he would prefer to just be friends for a bit and that upset him too.. He said he's going to see his friends in the hope that they can cheer him up because he still doesn't feel anything and still feels miserable... But he enjoyed the moment when we cuddled etc but only while the moment lasted and nothing else......

I had a bit of a chance to say how I was feeling which makes me feel a bit better.. It most probably didn't help him to hear them but I think he needed to hear them...

He said some hurtful things about how he's got depression whilst being with me and how living with me isn't helping.. But then back tracked and said how nothing is helping.. I asked if he things I've caused his depression and he said how if it was me he would have got it at the start of our relationship and not now and how if he knew what it was he would fix it...

I told him that he means the world to me and that I loved him and he said he knows but he doesn't feel like he means the world to me...

Suzi
08-04-18, 02:31 PM
Rowing isn't going to help anyone. He shouldn't say things which are hurtful or unfair - but you becoming really defensive is only going to make things worse - I know how hard it is, but you have to be able to say "I'm really not in a position to talk to you about this calmly right now" and walk away....

Hereforyou
08-04-18, 10:44 PM
No I know you're right.. It wasn't my intention at all but I was super upset and stressed with work and he defintely made me feel worse...

All was for gotten about after last night and today he seemed pretty good.. Whilst we were washing up and drying up together he said how he feels like crap.. At first I thought he meant because he had ate too much so mentioned that but he said he meant his head... I told him I wouldn't probe but I'll listen if he wants to talk.... He said how he still feels rubbish.. I told him that he seemed really good today and he said he's trying to be normal but he still doesn't feel anything... I told him he must feel something as when he thought I had left and offered my parents to look after pur dog both times made him sad.. He said he guesses but he's not sure if that's because he knows he loves us not because he feels anything right now...

I think he does want to talk but I genuinely don't think he knows how to.. He thinks this is all his weakness and that's why he shouldn't mean the world to me :( ....

Suzi
09-04-18, 09:58 AM
That's pretty much what Marc said to me - that he knew he had loved me and our children, that he didn't see why that would have changed, but that he didn't feel anything at that point...

How long has he been on the meds? Has he seen the dr about a review at all? Is he still having side effects?

Hereforyou
09-04-18, 10:31 AM
I am glad I am not the only one then....

He's been on them for 1 month and 3 days.. Not yet, he was due to see him on Friday last week (6th) but the doctor cancelled and rescheduled for the 13th....

He is yes, the digestive problems seem to be less bad but they are still there I.e. he still gets the tummy pain and has more frequent visits but defintely not as bad.

Suzi
09-04-18, 01:18 PM
I really think he should see the Dr asap as he really shouldn't be getting those side effects over 4 weeks into it- most negative side effects should be out of his system by about 2 weeks...

Hereforyou
09-04-18, 01:39 PM
Oh really, I thought sometimes that was just it and he would get side effects full stop...

I know he will be seeing the doctor Friday and will tell him then.. Perhaps I can mention about going to see him earlier..

I mentioned to him about a free community con selling service yesterday and he seemed open to the idea rather than point blank refusing it.. Which is positive...

I am trying to read up on depression as much as possible to try to understand what he's feeling.. There are a lot of mixed messages about the antidepressants and recovery.. The thing that scares me most about reading these stories though is that some people seemed to have told their loived ones that they're better off without them.....

I am truly hopeful that he doesn't start to think that....

Suzi
09-04-18, 02:48 PM
Yes that's true, but not in all cases.

Hereforyou
09-04-18, 04:27 PM
I hope it doesn't happen in our case :( .....

Suzi
09-04-18, 08:48 PM
I hope so too....

Paula
09-04-18, 09:29 PM
I didn’t :)

Hereforyou
09-04-18, 09:56 PM
It's great to know you guys have struggled too but made it through the other side......

I am trying to stay really positive but it's hard when he's constantly shutting me down.. Sometimes I do feel it's best for me to completely pull away and just be physically there myself and not emotionally.. Other times I don't want to make him feel worse...

Suzi
10-04-18, 01:32 PM
I know it's hard lovely, but this is something you are going to have to talk about with him - maybe write him a letter or email?

Hereforyou
10-04-18, 02:33 PM
I've mentioned it him on Saturday.......

I am just not sure what to think with him anymore.. Like last night I sort of left him to it and laid away from him on the sofa... I grabbed our dog off the floor and started to cuddle him on the sofa.. He moved over to us on the sofa and started to stroke and cuddle the dog while he was in my arms...... Whenever the dog wasn't in my arms though he didn't cuddle him or love closer... My dad thinks that maybe he wanted to get closer but couldn't or was unsure...

I also didn't say goodnight or love you when we went up to bed.. Or love you this morning... But on both occasions he said it himself....

Suzi
10-04-18, 05:24 PM
I think your Dad is probably right..

Hereforyou
10-04-18, 07:22 PM
Perhaps.. I don't understand why he didn't just get closer then.....

Today when he came back from work it was great.. Joking and play fighting.. Being a bit flirty even too... Then he fell asleep and when I woke him up for his dinner he snapped at me.... Trying extremely hard to stay calm.....

Suzi
10-04-18, 08:15 PM
Depression is exhausting.... Try to be patient..

Paula
10-04-18, 08:31 PM
Perhaps.. I don't understand why he didn't just get closer then.......

Low self esteem, physically struggling with touch, not believing you want him, believing you’re better off without him, nerves on edge, feeling guilty, being irritable, low sex drive. All/any of these, and more, could be why. Sweetheart, it so hard to control any of these feelings and symptoms. It sounds to me like he’s trying. You may have to expect less for now while he recovers.

Hereforyou
10-04-18, 08:45 PM
Yes perhaps you're both right... I just hate it when he's snappy with me....

What should j be doing to help those feelings and symptoms..??

Paula
10-04-18, 08:50 PM
Give him space and time

Hereforyou
10-04-18, 08:51 PM
Okay.. So don't try cuddle him or anything..? I asked him if he wants me to stop all of that and he said no...??

Suzi
10-04-18, 09:15 PM
Sweetheart, if you want to give him a hug, give him a hug.. Don't stop being you. He's with you because he loves you - not some watered down version of you. You matter too.

Hereforyou
10-04-18, 09:29 PM
I just don't want to push it....

Suzi
10-04-18, 09:30 PM
I understand that and it's a really tough thing to gauge, but you can - you know him and you very obviously love him...

Hereforyou
11-04-18, 07:40 AM
Last night was very strange... Before we went to sleep he was saying how he felt like he was coming down with something and wasn't feeling too well.. So I gave him some paracetamol..

Just before we went to bed he started to complain about a tight and heavy chest and painful when he takes a deep breath... Not too long after going to sleep he started to have a very vivid and bad sounding dream.. Eventually he woke up in a panic and state of fear saying "oh no not again" ..

Apparently he had a bad dream that he used to have very many years ago (5+ years ago) about being in a "war zone" if you like (he described it as something out of independence day the film) where all of his best friends and some family members can be seen harmed and unresponsive... This time however he only saw a small number of people and they were his 3 best friends.. He also describes having someone with him in the dream saying that they're there and they're helping him but he doesn't know who it is as the voice doesn't sound real..

We laid there together for a while as he explained this dream to me and explained how it made him feel.. I suggested that perhaps he start keeping a mood diary to see if there was a pattern to how he feels in the day and when he gets these dreams so that he can show the therapist.. He said that was a good idea and agreed to do it... He said thast he had felt particularly irritated yesterday and wanted to start a fight with someone.. When he got home however he didn't want tok to that anymore which was good...

After some time we begun talking about other generic things.. I gave him a cuddle and we held each other for a bit.. He smelt my hair then kissed my forehead...

I started to stroke his back (it was always something he liked and that relaxed him) and he asked me to carry on as he fell asleep...

This morning as we were both getting up for work I sat up and laid back down with my hand next to him and he moved his leg on top of my hand so I held his leg before getting up to work...

It was wonderful to feel so close to him again........

Suzi
11-04-18, 12:50 PM
It's amazing that he's opened up to his vulnerability to you lovely. That's a massive step forward. I'm glad he's going to keep a mood and dream diary. That's another massive step.

Hereforyou
11-04-18, 05:03 PM
Yeah it was really lovely to lay there and just hear him talk without him feeling angry or sad....

Yeah I am really pleased.. I didn't think he would be comfortable with it at first but he seemed open to the idea which is a positive... And of course it was wonderful to cuddle up and get a kiss.... It made me feel so good especially where he didn't have to but chose to....

Suzi
11-04-18, 08:47 PM
I'm pleased for you.

Hereforyou
11-04-18, 10:56 PM
Thank you.....

This evening though I did come downstairs to find him just cuddling out dog on the sofa looking awfully sad and sorry for himself...

I didn't pry and just said if he wants to talk he can or if he wants to get... I asked if he wanted a hug or for me to go upstairs and leave him to it and he said no to both...

After some time he seemed to go back to being cheerful :( ....

Suzi
12-04-18, 09:49 AM
Sweetheart could you be pushing him too hard to talk every day? Talking about what's in your head is incredibly exhausting - maybe next time just see if he wants a cuppa? If you keep stopping and asking him if he wants a hug or something then it's drawing more attention to the fact that he's probably feeling rubbish....

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 10:07 AM
Perhaps.. I just want him to know he can tall if he wants to.. We haven't really spoken about anything and he hasn't seemed sad since Sunday so that's when it was last brought up...

I am just not sure what's the best for him...

Suzi
12-04-18, 10:29 AM
Maybe talk about random stuff too?

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 10:57 AM
Yeah we've been doing that and when we do he seems fine...

Suzi
12-04-18, 01:09 PM
Then maybe try that for a while?

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 01:53 PM
Try what.. Talking about generic things..? We do that everyday.. That's why I feel like he's being fine at times...

Paula
12-04-18, 02:49 PM
Sweetie, just try being relaxed and ‘normal’ around him, everyday things are really absolutely fine. Look at it this way, if he had cancer, would he want to cope with you constantly asking if he’s in pain, what he needs you to do etc?

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 04:58 PM
Yeah I guess you're right... It's just so hard knowing what right and wrong....

I think for the most part I am being normal.. Although there are times when I dont feel I can... Normally I'd be affectionate and hug him when he gets in from work.. And snuggle up to him when we watch a film or go to bed.. But right now I am too scared to do any of that.....

Suzi
12-04-18, 05:19 PM
You shouldn't be scared of it at all...

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 05:43 PM
But he doesn't want me to.....

Suzi
12-04-18, 09:34 PM
Sorry, he doesn't want you to ?

Hereforyou
12-04-18, 10:21 PM
Doesn't want me to be as affectionate with him as I normally would be.. We were always an affectionate couple ...

Suzi
13-04-18, 11:20 AM
But you don't have to always be... He's not saying never, just not as much right now...

Hereforyou
13-04-18, 01:34 PM
Yeah you're probably right....

He was very upset this morning.. His tummy is really bad today and he's probably having a low day.. He gave me a really tight cuddle and didn't really want to let go.. He's feeling so bad about thijngs and making himself get even worse... I feel terrible for him...

Suzi
13-04-18, 07:56 PM
When's his Dr's appointment?

Hereforyou
13-04-18, 08:35 PM
He went today.. The doctor has increased his dosage from 20 to 40mg .. Given him sleeping tablets and is doing a full bloody count and stool sample to see why he's had rapid weight loss and is having tummy problems... He's also referring him for anger management...

He's having a very bad day today.. Very down and sullen......

magie06
13-04-18, 08:45 PM
I think that happens to me when I go to my doctor too. I get very anxious before it and while waiting to go in, and when I come out I'm just really tired and definitely not very good company.

Hereforyou
13-04-18, 08:52 PM
Admittedly he's been like that since yesterday evening...... Perhaps it's the knowledge of the doctors appointment today....

I am glad the doctor seems to be taking a lot of notice of what's going on with him.. He seems to be quite interested in him....

Jaquaia
13-04-18, 09:54 PM
He needs to be aware that the dosage increase will take time to get into his system

Hereforyou
13-04-18, 10:07 PM
Yeah I think the doctor mentioned it taking another 2 weeks....

He hasn't started them yet as he takes them first thing and he's already taken one today...

Suzi
13-04-18, 10:22 PM
It sounds like his Dr is on the case and is checking on him which is brilliant. He's probably exhausted....

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 08:55 AM
Yeah the doctor actually does seem really good.. Even said to him that he may have been depressed for longer than he realises which I personally agree with...

I am really hopeful that once he starts to sleep better he may start to improve... He's been really good these last couple of days.. He's seemed his normal self.. He still feels like they're not working or helping.. And I am not sure if he feels like that because he's still being negative........

Suzi
14-04-18, 09:30 AM
Sweetheart he isn't going to be better in a couple of weeks. He didn't get this poorly that quickly and it'll take time for him to get better and more stable....

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 10:09 AM
Of course not.. I know that myself.. It's him that's struggling with the length of time it's taking...

But I am trying to help him try to be positive a tiny bit by saying these last couple of weeks he had seemed less miserable....

Suzi
14-04-18, 11:03 AM
Maybe trying to give him space to think about something else rather than his mood might help - maybe suggest going for a walk together with a camera or doing something completely different? A game or something?

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 11:24 AM
Most of the time we do things to take his mind off of his mood.. We go to the gym daily.. We eat dinner together... We walk our dog... It was just yesterday with him being so down that it came up again.. It's not something we talk about daily.. Only when he seems to want to talk about it and I certainly don't want to brush away his feelings or close him down if/when he wants to talk....

Just out of curiosity... Does anyone have any experience with something similar when it comes to the medication..? He was given 20mg of Citalopram that he feels weren't working.. So now they have given him 40mg of Citalopram... Has that ever worked for anyone.. A stronger dosage of the same medication...?

Suzi
14-04-18, 02:51 PM
Yes it's very common to start on a lower dose then go back (often in a couple of weeks) to get a higher dose or a change in medication if the side effects are really bad.

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 03:02 PM
Does that work sometimes then..? Or is it just a formality..??

Suzi
14-04-18, 05:18 PM
Yes it often works...

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 06:36 PM
Fingers crossed then it works for him.. We've had a fun day so far.. Had a water fight together as the weather has been nice... And I bought him a l ittle treat with a note to say "because I love you" ......

Trying my hardest to do things to make him happy.....

Suzi
14-04-18, 07:11 PM
Sweetheart could you be trying too hard?

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 07:14 PM
Love you presents are a thing in our family... We often do things like that but admittedly I hadn't done it for a while....

Would it be a bad thing if I was trying too hard either way..?

Suzi
14-04-18, 09:14 PM
It might be a bit smothering?

Hereforyou
14-04-18, 11:05 PM
I see what you're saying....

I am not sure what to do then.. I am a very affectionate and caring person... I've toned down the affection and am trying not to be too much....

I just don't want to change who I am completely... I've toned things down a lot and am still trying to remain the pulled back but I am worried now that it's still too much....

Suzi
15-04-18, 10:48 AM
How about just be you?

Paula
15-04-18, 11:02 AM
Hunni, this is not a criticism, just a possible insight. I’m a very, very affectionate, tactile person (which my teenager hates!). Yet when I’m in crisis I find it very difficult to cope with affection, hugs etc. That’s not to say that my family have to completely stop showing me they love me, they, and their love for me, are the reason I’m still here, just that they have learnt over the years what I can cope with, how much I can cope with and when they need to step back. Maybe that’s something you and your OH are going to have to learn, together.

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 11:10 AM
I've toned it down quite a bit.. As much as I hate not being able to give him a hug in bed or a kiss goodnight I am trying to not overload him....

He hasn't said anything about how I am being and he's normally the type of person to do so.. I've asked him if he wants me to back off and stop it but he's said no.. I am just not sure what I am doing right or wrong...

I am just trying to be positive and cheerful... Stepping back with my affections but otherwise normal....

Suzi
15-04-18, 11:40 AM
Sweetheart he fell in love with you as you. Don't try to be someone else.

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 11:49 AM
I am trying not to be.. But like you say I don't want to be smothering either.....

Suzi
15-04-18, 01:32 PM
Sweetheart you are going to drive yourself mad second guessing yourself and what you are doing all the time!

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 01:42 PM
You're very right yes... I am not entirely sure how to do any of this or how to act....

Suzi
15-04-18, 02:27 PM
Then just be you!! If he has an issue with anything let him tell you, give him some control back...

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 06:21 PM
You're probably right......

Thank you ladies.. I never appreciated how hard this is until it happened to him... It's awful to hear him talk so badly about himself all the time...

Suzi
15-04-18, 08:49 PM
It's heartbreaking, but you just need to remember that it's you he fell in love with....

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 08:55 PM
I am so scared that he's just not in love with me anymore.....

Suzi
15-04-18, 09:24 PM
Oh sweetheart I know how you are feeling, I've been there.... But he hasn't said he doesn't has he? Give him the benefit right now?

Hereforyou
15-04-18, 09:53 PM
No he hasn't said that.. He hasn't said anything really to be honest... And he of course isn't acting like it (which I do understand) ...

Suzi
16-04-18, 08:51 AM
Trust him lovely....

Hereforyou
16-04-18, 09:12 AM
You're right.......

I'll try...

Suzi
16-04-18, 10:34 AM
It's not easy, but he has to do this in his own way. Be yourself, do the things you like to do and don't lose "you" in the process

Hereforyou
16-04-18, 10:47 AM
Yeah I know what you mean... He does seem to be getting back to his normal self although he says he's doing it on purpose... I am glad he's trying at least...

Suzi
16-04-18, 12:48 PM
Trust me, he's trying. Depression is horrific...

Hereforyou
16-04-18, 01:03 PM
He gets a lot of credit in my book for trying.. He's doing so well with it.. Sometimes he doesn't even seem like he's ill with how hard he's trying to "act his normal self" ...... I am super proud of him for functioning so well...

Hereforyou
17-04-18, 11:27 PM
These last few days have been a bit tricky...

As mentioned before he seems to be putting on a brave face.. And when he does there are indications of his former self... Admittedly he had said before how he is doing it on purpose... Yesterday however he seemed "okay" ... However when the conversation came on to a holiday it turned negative.. We weren't talking about anything immediate or planning something but he mentioned his passport and I reminded him that it was running out and he should do it renew it soon as depending on where we go in the year he may need it to be valid for 3 months...

That proceeded on to him saying he thinks I should go on holiday with someone else this year.. When I asked why he said because he would be terrible company and that he didn't want to be miserable abroad.. I tried to reassure him that he wasn't terrible company now and wasn't miserable now and he said he's always miserable.. He began to want to cry but again tried to force it back.. I told him to just let it out and if he wants to cry to just do so.. Things took a turn for the worst when he started to have a panic attack when talking about "not getting better".. His hands started to go numb and he begun having difficulty breathing.. I held him as he sobbed into my chest and arms and tried to reassure him that he was strong enough to get better and that he has my support until the point he tells me he doesn't want me around anymore.. This prompted him to ask why I would think that but I reassured him I meant it in a generic way... He explained how exhausted he was and how fed up he was with not feeling any better with nothing making him happy and constantly feeling like crap...After some time he seemed to calm down and seemed to relax a little bit more..

Today.. I met him from work (I was in the area) with a small gift.. He wasn't too happy about me being so close to his work as he's in construction and fears that his colleagues will make inappropriate comments about me that will make him angry and with how he's feeling now will make him last out...

As the night progressed... He agreed to make me my favourite meal that he cooks.. When I returned from walking the dog however his mood had seemed to shift.. I left him for a few hours before he begun to talk about how he feels crappy again and begun to cry.. He said that he feels he gets to a certain point at night where he feels that the tablets have worn off and he falls back into the "depressed" mood set... I said perhaps it's because he has put on a front all day and when he comes home he feels he can take it off.. He said possibly to that idea...

When these times happen I am really not too sure what to say or do.. I try to reassure him that he's strong and able to beat this.. I ask what I can do to help bit aside from that I don't know what else to do or say... He still says he doesn't know what he feels or what he wants but says that he sometimes feels I smother him (when I kiss his forehead multiple times) but equally likes it when I hug him so doesn't want me to stop..

We've sat there in silence at times because I've asked him if he wants to just be silent for a bit.. To which he has agreed.. But he also wants me to stay near him when I offer to go upstairs..

I guess I am just a bit lost on what I can or should say/do when he's in these "down times" ...

Suzi
18-04-18, 08:51 AM
Can you try to persuade him to go back to the Drs to tell them what you've told us? Maybe they need to talk to him about medication or talking therapy too.... Definitely see if he will let you go in with him as you can help say things from your point of view too..

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 09:27 AM
As he's just changed over the medication dosage I suggested if he's not feeling an improvement in 2 weeks (when it settles into his system) that he goes back to the doctors.?

I've offered to go plenty of times but he says he doesn't want me to....

Suzi
18-04-18, 09:42 AM
Is he still having side effects?

Paula
18-04-18, 09:46 AM
He doesn’t want you to go in with him, but maybe he can be made to see that it's important for you both if you do?

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 10:31 AM
Yes but the doctor is running tests to determine if it's being caused from the antidepressants..

How can I make him see that..?

Suzi
18-04-18, 10:36 AM
Just say to him that you may be able to say how things seem to you to the Dr...

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 10:40 AM
I could try but I don't want to push things...

Suzi
18-04-18, 02:44 PM
Just saying that once isn't pushing things, it's just asking....

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 06:14 PM
Yeah I guess.. He was really nasty to me today so I've decided to pull back entirely now....

Paula
18-04-18, 07:06 PM
Nasty in what way?

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 08:30 PM
I was round the corner from where his construction site is yesterday so I thought I'd buy this gift he saw ages ago and meet him from work, go home together. He made me feel awful about the idea because apparently the people who saw us (his work colleagues) will start saying inappropriate things to him about me tomorrow (the below the belt kind in his words) and because he is feeling rather angry lately he will lash out..

I ended up apologising yesterday for going and he apologised for making me feel bad... This morning I then get an incredibly angry and rude text message telling me not to ever go to his work again.. Followed by a couple more angry messages.. In the end I just told him how he's unfair for purposely making me feel bad about it again and doing so while I was at work and completely being unappreciative of the gesture because his work colleagues had made it a big deal.. I told him if he was going to be nasty that he should just leave me alone and he did..

I left him to sulk for a few hours and went home to my parents instead to come home to find him sitting in silence on his own.. I am just going to leave him to it and pull back now I think...

Suzi
18-04-18, 09:35 PM
What kind of inappropriate comments were made by those he works with? On a construction site? Well the issue isn't with you its with them!

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 09:39 PM
Like how I am attractive and the types of things they would do to me, I am a relatively slim lady with "womanly" assets if that makes sense so mostly comments about those and so on....

No the issue was entirely with them but he made me feel dreadful about it...

Suzi
18-04-18, 09:41 PM
My Dad used to be a chippie, then worked up to a site engineer after years as a site manager. I know how sites can be.... Did you know that he didn't want you to go to his work?

Hereforyou
18-04-18, 09:51 PM
I knew that he didn't want me to meet him at his work to go for something to eat after.. Unless I took him a change of clothes as he wouldn't have felt comfortable.....

When he was working round the corner from where I worked he used to meet me and we used to go home together.. But apparently that was okay because I wasn't in front of the site and I wasn't dressed as nicely....

Suzi
19-04-18, 08:03 AM
So you knew that he wasn't comfortable with you dressing nicely near his site? And you took him a present which could have resulted in him being teased etc? I can see why he was upset if you knew it was an issue for him...