boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger

[Suzi]

Well yes of course I have.. He has had depression for over 2 months now and I haven't spent every day or even every week asking him to make decisions.. But considering the way he was acting this last week I think those questions needed to be asked and I do feel like I have every reason to ask those questions..

If he wants to go surely he can make a decision to just go..?
Hold on - right now I doubt he even knows whether he is hungry or thirsty or if he wants tea or coffee and you think he's in a fit state to make such a monumental decision? I don't think you're being fair to him at all with that comment actually.
No, he shouldn't have done those things, but you shouldn't have "gone on and on" about going with him to the paintballing and the Drs when he'd made himself crystal clear that he didn't want you to go.


I can't help but feel like right now I've made the wrong decision by staying with him.. He seemed so angry and miserable yesterday.. He talks about knowing we aren't acting like a couple but does nothing to change it.. He's done things purposely to hurt to me and even admitted it.. He's said he's realised he's ruined everything but doesn't comfort me or do anything to make me feel better.. He talks about not knowing if he still loves me or just knowing he once used to...
Actually most therapists - and us - recommend NOT making such massive and life changing decisions when they are so poorly.

Is this all part of the depression or am I holding out for a love that's already lost...???
What is it you want him to do to "change it?" I don't think you understand quite what he's dealing with right now.
I truly am sorry you are struggling but I think your main focus right now needs to be getting him more stable and more able to deal with this rather than you needing comforting.. I do truly understand as I've been there and I know how much it hurts - but he's no where near ready to make those decisions you want..

[Paula]

I know you’re not married but, if you were, you’d have made vows to be with each other in sickness and in health. To me, if you’re in a long term relationship, living together, there should be that intention there. This is his sickness. You’ve been a member here for two months and posted over 230 comments. In all that time I’ve not once felt that you came here trying to understand what he’s going through but that your focus has been on what you’re going through. You won’t like hearing this and for that I apologise as I don’t want to hurt you but you run the very real risk of losing someone you care for deeply - you have to change how you think about this.

[Hereforyou]

I didn't go on about going paintball with him.. He couldn't make up his mind but when he did make up his mind I left him to it and didn't mention it again.. Yes I did go on again about going to the doctors with him but I tried to apologise but instead was met with anger and abuse..

I want him to at least try.. He van go to the pub and "try" to be normal with his friends because he's having a drink.. He can talk to these women in the cafe and tell them he's depressed and stuff.. He can tell this woman a comforting remark when she's feeling down.. But he can't even do anything similar for me.. He can't even tell me that he doesn't want to lose me..

My brother is fuming with him and thinks that he had every intention to do something with this woman.. He's also even more upset that he didn't leave paintball when he suspected I thought he was cheating..

I just want to feel loved.. I want to feel like this woman would never come between us because she means nothing.. Instead I feel like there's potential that she may not mean nothing..

I completely agree with what you're saying paula as I feel the same when it comes to long term relationships.. And I had every intention to marry this man..

You're right I don't understand what he's going through.. And it breaks my heart to feel like he's using an illness as a get out of jail free card because he is acting like an idiot..

[Suzi]

I don't know why this woman has upset you so much? Why don't you trust him? - Before the last weeks lie...
Sweetheart he shouldn't have to pretend to you - you're meant to love him and support him even when knowing how bad he's feeling.

If you don't think that you can get through this as a couple - have you thought about relationship counselling? It might help both of you to say safely what's in your heads and see if you can work it out...

ETA I don't think ANYONE would suffer the way he sounds as if he is as a "get out of jail free card." That's a really harsh thing to say...

[Hereforyou]

I didn't trust him entirely no.. In August I found out he had previously messaged an old friend of his some really inappropriate messages.. I forgave him and agreed to take him back however it still remains in my head...

When he started to show signs of being depressed her had just met this girl from the cafe.. He purposely "set me up" to prove I was spying on his Facebook by looking her up.. The following day he then removed our relationship status off of Facebook to as he knew it would upset me.. When I questioned if anything was going on with this girl he flipped and went nuts claiming he wasn't happy and was miserable..

After a while I decided to let it go but then he still continued to see her at work obviously on a daily basis..

What upsets me the most is that I told him he put an idea in my head and I couldn't get it out because he couldn't comfort me.. I told him I felt insecure about it and even when he talked about her at home once I asked how close they were and he told me that they weren't at all and she just serves him food..

When he started lying it made me really upset because he kept lying and going back to where they all work.. And then learning he upset me so that he could go to a bar knowing she would be there (even planning to go there) despite me saying I felt uncomfortable about her it makes me feels like he's betrayed me to hang around with her..

And then learning that he's been talking to her about what's going on makes me feel betrayed.. He says he never told her he didn't love me but I can't understand why she would say that..

I've mentioned relationship counselling in the past when this first started and he said no because we aren't a 50 year old couple but I do think it would help us..

I know it probably sounds horrible.. But I don't feel like he's taking responsibility for when he's being unfair or upsetting people...

[Suzi]

Can I be honest? Sweetheart if he's done so many things to deliberately upset you, is it worth carrying on with the relationship? I know my husband and I have never deliberately hurt each other and we've been together for 19+ years...

[Hereforyou]

I don't know.. He says it's the depression not making him think straight and giving him a bad attitude.. He never did things to deliberately hurt me before he got ill..

My head is all over the place.. I've got some people telling me they think he's lying about his depression.. Some people telling me he wouldn't make excuses.. And some people telling me we can work through things.. This is such a nightmare...

[magie06]

My husband and I are together 21 years since March. When I have a crisis, he says he still loves me. We will be married 17 years in June, and we're going through couples counselling atm. I asked him to come with me because I had all sorts of things going through my head. He didn't know half of what was/is in my head but we are working through it.
It's very hard to be going through a crisis and have a 'normal' relationship.
When does your b/f see a doctor again?

[Paula]

‘Lying about his depression’? As someone with depression it’s those sorts of comments that can make my life hell. The idea that people with depression are making this up contributes to 90% of people with MH illness being discriminated against. Which is what this forum fights against every day.

[OldMike]

As someone who has suffered from depression of varying intensity for 20+ years and probably a lot longer if truth were known, there is no quick fix and anti-depressants can take typical 4-6 weeks before they start to take effect, and sometimes if my personal experience is anything to go by can take a lot longer.

More often it is a long haul in which some people become totally well again in other cases it is just a matter of managing the depression and giving the person a reasonable quality of life.

I live alone so I can't give much advice on relationships. If you listen to Paula and Magie who are both in relationships and have children and go through the hell of depression, the support of their husbands gives them both tremendous help.

The last thing anyone wants who is suffering from depression is to be told they are making it up and it is there fault because they're not trying to get better because all that is nonsense.

It's an illness that can happen to anyone and more often than not doesn't even seem to make sense, when your mind turns against you, you end up continually fighting against your own mind which is exhausting.

[Suzi]

My 2p worth? As someone who has been where you are to some extent - we went through 2 breakdowns and it is something we live with - even today Marc has had a big wobble so my role today wasn't "wife/lover" it was as supporter/carer/cheerleader/person to provide food and drink..... Today he isn't able to make decisions, his brain is "mush"(his words not mine) and today anxiety and depression have grabbed hold....
This may never completely go away for us - and it is US. We go through it as much as we can together. We've had good days and more frequent great days, today isn't one of those and I know there'll be some more crap ones in the future. Do I believe we can stay together through them? Yup...
Can you say that you can do this time and time again? You may have to....

[Hereforyou]

Magie.. My partner is going to the doctors tomorrow.. I do still love him.. I love him more than anything in this world.. But I just don't know what to do half the time and I can't bare that half the time he acts like I am the last person he wants to he near...

Paula.. I don't believe he's making it up.. I am the one that sees him sob and breakdown and I am trying my hardest to convince others that he's really that bad.. But then there are some people in my life saying things like "if he's so depressed why is he fine at paintball, just a bit quieter" or "if he's so depressed why is he going out with his friends".. And then I've got the same people saying "are you sure he's just not happy with you anymore and doesn't know how to say it" .. And that's so unbelievably upsetting to hear or even think.. Even he's own mother just says "he doesn't seem depressed to me, just quiet" but then he hasn't told his mother anything at all anyway...

OldMike... I completely agree.. I've never once allowed anyone to say he's making it up or believed he's making it up myself.. I just don't know what else to do anymore.. Especially when half the time it's me that he snaps at or is moody at...

Suzi.. The thing is some times (like last night) he says "Oh I am fed up" and I don't want to say anything because sometimes like you guys have said I just want to let him "be" without explanation.. And sometimes when I do ask I get confronted with "why do you think I am fed up" .. It's like I am torn in 3 places.. Don't ask and let him be.. Ask so he knows he can talk and that you care.. Or just ignore it entirely.. He hasn't gone to work all week which I've assured him is fine and we will manage if he needs time off.. But today he was due to go back and this morning he just text his boss saying he's head still messed up.. Again though I just don't know if I should ask anymore because I know sometimes he doesn't want to talk..

I don't know if I can do this time and time again.. I miss being the lover and the girlfriend.. Will I ever get to be that again if this is something that remains like this forever.. I just don't know.. I am truly scared...

[Paula]

I often have the ‘why don’t you just walk away from all this’ talk with my husband. We’ve been together nearly 20 years and have gradually had to accept that our life together is never going to be free from this illness. It breaks my heart that he has to live his life with so many limitations. My husband’s answer every single time is that he loves me and sees it as his purpose in life to look after me. He does this time and time again and never backs down. He’s an exceptional person, however, and has the strength to continue. Maybe you need to consider whether this is something you can continue to do.

[Suzi]

Marc accepts my physical illnesses - he always has, but he's amazing. In return so to speak I support him with his mental illness... It's swings and roundabouts and I'm in it till the end...

[Hereforyou]

I genuinely don't know.. Is this something that will mean I never get to have a family or get married to him because he doesn't want to have children when he's like this.. Will it mean I never feel loved again or have physical or emotional intimacy again..??

I don't want to walk away but will I ever have even days or weeks where I can have that relationship we had before back..? Is everyday going to be "what kind of mood is he in today" .. "should I plan to do this together today" .. "does he love me today" ..

Will there ever be days where we can forget his illness and move on or is every day going to be the same awful day..

[magie06]

I first got ill 8 years ago. The medication I was on completely killed my libido, and we haven't been intimate since! I thought my husband was worried about this, but because he hadn't mentioned it, I was afraid to mention it too. We still love each other very much and we show our love in different ways now.
It's not the same for everyone. But when you are on medication the side effects can be horrendous. Please try to understand this.

[Paula]

For most people, once they recover from their first episode, it doesn’t reoccur. For others, it’s a lifelong battle. But that doesn’t mean that it’s always at crisis. I can have months or years when I’m stable - though I’m never fully well I can cope with most of my life and am, generally, happy. And I’ve got a good life with people I love.

Despite all you’ve said over the past few months, you truly don’t seem to accept that he’s ill and needs your care - your focus is predominantly on the impact on your life. You’re impatient, after only 2 months it’s far too early to know when he’s going to recover and whether he’s going to struggle in the future. Your focus should be on getting him well not on whether you’re going to have sex again.

[Hereforyou]

I never said I am focused on if I will ever have sex again.. Physical intimacy isn't just about sex.. it's things like holding each other again.. Kissing each other.. Holding hands.. Things like that.. I've mentioned both of our fears about being able to start a family and get married etc but you've completely overlooked that and just assumed it's about sex...

What more care do you recommend then I do then..? What am I not doing that I should be doing then..? I make sure hes eating.. Sleeping.. Taking care of himself.. And so on.. I've asked countless times what I can do to help and taken various bits of advice.. My focus isn't on my life it's on ours because ultimately it's something that affects us both..

I only expressed a fear and worry.. I am allowed to be scared and worried surely..

[Suzi]

Sweetheart I didn't mean to scare you. Marc and I have been together for over 19 years, in that time we've had 3 children, got married, moved house 7 times, dealt with 2 breakdowns, long term physical illnesses, 3 c sections, 3 breast operations, my Mother, his mother and father and so much more. Sweetheart we have good days, bad days and great days - but that's the same with any couple who've been together as long as we have.

[Hereforyou]

I think that's all I am scared about Suzi... All of the things we planned for the future now seem so far away because he doesn't feel well enough (understandably) ... And I don't know if I would be able to cope with the rest of my life with everyday how it has been because I miss what we had..

Today he made a negative comment about himself and I tried my best to be positive with him.. He said things like it not being fair on me and how I've always had to "deal with his crap".. I told him that it didn't matter and that there are times when he has had to and will have to do the same if not more for me.. When he said he won't get better I tried to reassure him in the way Paula said and told him it's too soon and we've tried too little to say he won't recover...

I kept telling him how I believe in him and I believe he will get better and how in sickness and in health I still love him...

I hope those are the right types of things to say...

[Suzi]

But just because it is now, doesn't mean it's always going to be....
Until he goes back and sees his GP and tells them honestly how he's been feeling that's all you can do...

[Hereforyou]

Thank you Suzi.. That's helpful to hear.. Even if he never recovers just having a glimmer or hope that it won't be like this forever is good..

He's going back today to see the GP.. I am trying to keep really positive and I've given him some things to ask the GP on my behalf (to avoid asking if I can go again) .. I am trying my best to remain positive about today.. Telling myself that today the GP will finally get things moving with the anger management and therapy.. Telling myself that the next antidepressant will work.. Telling myself he will have a good day and feel "okay" .. And most importantly telling myself that things will get better and we will find what works for him soon..

He's trying Cranosacrial Therapy today too so I am hoping that helps to at least help either the side effects or to relax him..

[Suzi]

He's likely to be exhausted after the Drs appointment - being on a full on adrenaline high with anxiety is exhausting..
If they go for a different anti d then it may not be the right one either.. Some work better for others - it's a trial and error thing I'm afraid...

[Hereforyou]

I made him aware he might exhausted after the massage therapy today anyway so that's fine...

I am trying to keep positive.. I know there's a chance this one may not workagain but I am keeping hopeful.. I don't want to be negative as I feel like he's feeling enough of that for the two of us.. So I am trying to think positive and be hopeful for both of us.... Still remaining realistic of course...

[magie06]

He will be extra tired today. When I have acupuncture I am not able for anything else for the day. Try not to be upset when he falls into the couch and doesn't more for the rest of today.

[Hereforyou]

If it means he can feel rested and relaxed I'll welcome the idea.. I've already told him not to work tomorrow as he will be extra tired and his appointment finishes today at about 820pm so I plan to have him something super yummy for dinner and just let him sleep when he needs to...

[magie06]

Just be aware, he might not be hungry.

[Hereforyou]

That's fine.. At least it's there if he wants it...

[Suzi]

That sounds lovely... Just keep it calm and it'll really help

[Hereforyou]

That's the plan.. I am trying to be more supportive and caring I guess..

[magie06]

You always were kind and supportive, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

[Hereforyou]

Aww thank you Magie.. I am probably just struggling to know what to do and what not to do and to just remember it's the illness..

[Suzi]

That's all you can do....

[magie06]

Remember no one has all the answers. It's all about getting through from hour to hour, day to day. It's the only way to get through. No one knows why, what works one day, doesn't work the next.

[magie06]

How has this evening been?

[Hereforyou]

Thanks Magie and Suzi.. Taking day by day..

The evening had been better than most.. He went to the GP who changed his antidepressants back down from 40mg Citalopram to 20mg Citalopram which he will be taking for 2 weeks before they change him on to another antidepressant.. The therapy is being chased up which is good and he asked the doctor the questions I asked him to ask however that wasn't much help as the doctor didn't know anything about what I asked..

He's been put on a much stronger sleeping tablet that is highly addictive so we will need to keep an eye on that and make sure he doesn't become dependant on it..

When he came home from the doctors he seemed okay.. Didn't seem like he was in a particularly "bad" or "low" mood.. We both rushed straight out as I went to get his prescription before the pharmacy closed (I made it with 1 minute to spare which was super lucky) and he went for his Cranosacrial Therapy appointment...

When he came back he was similarly not in a "bad" or "low" mood which was good.. We talked like friends and reminisced about things so that's positive..

He is a bit tired but he's not tired and moody which is good..

I am assuming that the change in dosage is going to trigger another series of mood swings and possible lows so I am mentally preparing myself for that..

My nanna (who stays with us sometimes) said that yesterday and today were his best days as he seems quite comfortable and "normal" .. Though that's probably a brave face it's still nice to see..

[magie06]

Well done for creating a relaxing evening in your home. Like I said earlier, this can't be rushed. You have to take this hour by hour.

[Suzi]

What were the questions you asked him to ask the Dr?

[Hereforyou]

Thank you Magie.. I am trying my absolute hardest.. When he's like how he was the last two days it requires a lot less effort to be "normal" from me.. The hardest thing is stopping myself for snuggling up to him and so on.. I almost fell asleep on his arm but I realised and got myself up and apologised..

Suzi.. We read about some "alternate therapies" he could try including a supplement called Rhodiola and essential oils to help.. There's also a cream from a shop called Lush that's excellent for helping people sleep.. As well as accupubture.. So before we tried them I thought it best to ask the doctor first but apparently he had never heard of them so couldn't comment..

He also asked the doctor about doing the free therapy I get through my work and the doctor said there wasn't much point doing it.. He recommended the Kung Fu classes though so I am going to look into that for him...

[magie06]

I've had acupuncture for a lot of my physical and mental health. I wouldn't have tried it but I remembered it helped with morning sickness all the way through my pregnancy. If it helped then, I thought it might help with my mental health too. The therapist places one needle in the centre of my head, one either side of my temples and one in the centre of my forehead. I don't feel them go in, and whether they do any good or not, I don't know, but I do know they don't do any harm.

[Paula]

My one note of caution would be that adding in herbal remedies, acupuncture etc when medication is being changed can create questions as to what is having an impact/improvements etc. I don’t know anything about Rhodiola but some herbal remedies (eg St. John’s wort) are contraindicated with ADs

[Hereforyou]

Thanks Magie.. It's definitely worth a try.. That's why we tried the Cranosacrial Therapy as cranial massage really helped with his ADHD so we thought we could try it... He's also had Accupuncture for muscle problems which helped so he's much more for the idea than I am...

Thanks Paula.. I thought that myself especially as I know he can't have St John's Wart.. That's why I wanted to ask the doctor first.. I am not sure if we should try the supplement now while he's taking the 2 weeks of 20mg Citalopram or if we should wait a bit longer before trying it...

I'll see what he prefers...

[Suzi]

How's he doing today?

[Hereforyou]

So far another good day.. Only hiccup was when someone stressed him out from paintball and he got all quiet and stressed.. Apart from that he seems okay.. A little bit playful with me and making jokes.. Quite calm and chilled..

It does make me laugh though because when we has those problems last weekend he said about wanting space and about me now even going to the gym with him (we are both members of the same gym and go gym at the same time but do completely different things on different ends of the gym) .. So today we were both going but he went before me and I waited at least an hour before going so that he had a chance to be there on his own.. When I got there he came up to me and playfully said "oh you're finally here then" .. Then continued to come over to me a couple more times.. It does make me laugh though I'll admit...

He's going to meet my brother now though to discuss the paintball team as my brother wants "A chat" (my brother is the captain of the entire squad and my partner the captain of one of the teams in the squad) so I am not sure that will be a pleasant chat... I've told him to be very sensitive and caring rather than all guns blazing.. Fingers crossed for that..

I am due to meet a friend tonight for a very quick social drink but I think he's forgotten...

[Suzi]

Hope you've met up with a friend and had a good time out..

[Hereforyou]

I am on my way now.. He wasn't too happy when he came back from meeting my brother.. Didn't tell me what was wrong but said how they'd spoken about lots of things including us and his head...

I also don't think he was happy with me going out..

[Suzi]

(panda) Talk to him tomorrow...
Not sure it was your brother's place to be discussing your relationship though...

[magie06]

I hope you enjoyed your night out. It's understandable that your bf would be tired if he was after a long conversation. Remember sometimes even deciding whether you want tea or coffee can be exhausting. I agree with Suzi, I don't think your brother should be discussing your relationship.

[Hereforyou]

Yeah I will do.. I've just got in and he's already asleep so I thankfully won't need to talk to him..

It was okay thank you.. A bit tricky as I was alone amongst a large groups of people who already kneweach h other but I managed to have a bit of fun..

I think my brother wanted to talk in terms of how he felt as mybbrother.. I met my partner through my brother as it was his friend first so they already had some form of a bond before I came along...

[magie06]

My brother and my husband were friends before my brother introduced us. I would hate for my husband to discuss our relationship with my brother without my say so. That's a terrible thing to do. Ftr they are still working together 21 years later.

[Suzi]

I would hate for anyone in my family to discuss my relationship. It feels that it's like betraying him - that everyone is talking about him itms? I think that it would really, really hurt him. I think you should tell your family to back off...

[Hereforyou]

Yeah I can see both your points.. I think my brother was just really upset about the other weekend and feels a little bit hurt by it all..

Aside from that I don't think he's ever said anything to him about us...

I forgot to mention.. After a while of me being downstairs last night he came downstairs to find out what I was doing.. He's being very weird.. Not sure if he wants space or not.. I've tried to back off a lot but he seems to be more clingy...

[Suzi]

Weird in what way?
Thing is it's not just your brother - your Dad was effectively spying on him when he went away last weekend to and gave you reports on his behaviour too....

[Hereforyou]

Like asking what I am doing all the time and why I am in the other room instead of being with him.. Asking why I took so long to come to the gym.. Just asking lots of questions about what I am doing tha t sort of thing.. He said he wanted space so I've pulled back and I am trying to give him that..

The only thing my dad made "reports" on was the fact that he kept going off to use the phone but didn't try to talk to me which upset my dad...

[Paula]

These aren’t dissimilar questions to the ones you kept asking when you first became a member here. He’s feeling insecure too.....

[Hereforyou]

Hmm perhaps you're right.. I am not sure what to do then.. I don't want to smother him again and I am not entirely sure why he's feeling insecure..

Should I just let him do what he feels comfortable with..?

I came downstairs because I couldn't sleep anymore and I wanted to watch tv and not long after he came downstairs after me and is now sleeping on the sofa next to me...

[Suzi]

He's trying to be closer to you obviously... Hunni you have to go with the flow.

[Hereforyou]

I don't think so.. Today he's said how he "feels weird" ... Then said how he keeps worrying about things so naturally I asked him what and he mentioned a couple of things before mentioning he's worried about us.. I asked what he's worried about us for as I was with everything else he mentioned and he clamed up.. Not sure why he could talk about everything else and not about us....

He mentioned about one of the reasons being because he has been going off the rails where he went drinking..

We spoke about our anniversary in 3 weeks time and he didn't seem bothered at all about it.. We are due to go to a concert that we had planned for over a year and he doesn't want to go..

It upset me because it's like he doesn't want to do anything with me.. I asked him why and he said because it's different going out with your friends.. He never used to before though..

I noticed he started to get all panicky so i tried to calm him down only for him to pull away is soon as he could and then be relieved when I stopped cuddling him..

In the end I got upset and said why doesn't he just admit he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. I probably shouldn't have said that but I just got upset..

[Suzi]

That does sound harsh.... Did you say it or shout it?

[Hereforyou]

I just said it..

I was just so upset by him being thankful I'd stopped cuddling him and pulling away again...

He says things like he's worried about us and how he knows he's not a acting like a boyfriend then doesn't even want to spend time doing nice things with me or even celebrating out anniversary together...

[Suzi]

Maybe that's just too much right now. He probably believes that he doesn't deserve you, that you deserve better, that he's never going to give you what you want/need etc etc
You have to remember that he's also dealing with a meds change too! He was "spoken to" by your brother last night, he'd forgotten you were going out etc.... Sweetheart give him time...

[magie06]

Remember take this hour by hour.

[Hereforyou]

I actually feel like saying that may have helped.. He asked why I said that and i told him how I was scared too and how I felt like he doesn't love me anymore and he actually listened really well..

He even told me that when I need a cuddle I should come and get one because he didn't want me to not feel like I could cuddle him...

It was a surprisingly emotional but fulfilling chat..

We spoke about his recovery and I told him that it won't be like "I've woken up today feeling amazing" .. It will be gradual things like today I found something funny and today I looked at the dog and felt happy.. I mean that's what it was like for me anyway..??

After that though he even rested his head on my shoulder while we looked through my phone...

[Suzi]

That's really positive..

[Hereforyou]

It really is.. After it he was so relaxed and calm...

I hope I was right in what I said about his recovery.. Obviously I've only got my experience to go on..?

[Paula]

That’s true for most people though there is no one fits all with this illness

[Hereforyou]

That's very true.. But I think he was expecting to wake up one morning feeling much better or much less numb.. I wanted to let him know at least that it might be smaller more unnoticeable changes at first...

[magie06]

You okay?

[Hereforyou]

Hi Magie...

I am okay thank you... Things have been positive (I sincerely hope) ..

On Monday he was working at a construction site quite far away which meant he didn't get home until gone 6pm. I was already at the gym when he came home. I was blissfully surprised to walk in and find he had already started to prepare dinner.. Something he hasn't done for some time..

We helped each other do dinner and things went well.. He seemed in good spirits and didn't seem to be low (possibly a front I know) .. Throughout the night he seemed okay.. Able to make a joke or smile/laugh at something.. Towards the end of the night as we got in to bed he hurt his arm which made him low as he made comments about being weak and so on.. I tried to reassure him and started to stroke his back as I know he often likes it when I do that and he asked me to carry on until he fell asleep...

Yesterday was very much the same.. I didn't go to work in the morning but woke up early to get him up for work.. When he said goodbye I was asleep and he sat on the bed and woke me up.. He laid his head between my shoulder and my head for a while and I hugged him before he gave me two kisses on the lips (I got very happy over that haha.. Sad I know) .. When he got home he seemed in good spirits again.. Able to laugh and joke with myself and my nan.. Able to be a bit sarcastic and general good company.. He started to fall asleep early and when he took his sleeping tablet it practically knocked him out so I had to carry him (with great difficulty haha :) !! ) up to bed.. Once I had put him in to bed though he asked me to stroke his back again..

We haven't said "good night, love you" for a while as I am trying not to push him and leaving it for when he feels like he wants to as I know he does it for me at the moment..

This morning his cuddle was a lot less interested however.. He put his hands around my hips but left them there rather than giving me a squeeze.. Again though he seemed okay and not particularly irritable this morning...

All in all I am hoping it's been a positive few days and hoping he feels it has too...

Those tiny moments when he hugs me or asks me to stroke his back just remind me of how much I miss him.. I had to cuddle up to my nan while we watched a film last night in order to stop myself wanting to cuddle up to him haha...

[Suzi]

Does your Nan live with you?
Glad that there are positives you can hold onto right now..

[magie06]

How long has he been on the increased dose of ad? They could be helping by now.

[Hereforyou]

She splits between us and my parents.. So she was home Monday and Tuesday but away Friday through Sunday..

I am hoping they're positives.. Aside from the flimsy cuddle this morning he's seemed okay-ish...

He changed from 40 back down to 20 on Saturday.. He was on the 40mg for 5 weeks last Friday and he started the 20mg straight away on Saturday...

[Suzi]

So the meds are likely to be just getting fully into his system... That could help too... But the new change of dose will take as long to settle too.

[Hereforyou]

Yeah but he's changed them now and is back down to 20mg..

Does that mean that they're not going to work or that the 40mg probably worked but he didn't give them long enough..?

[Suzi]

No idea. That is only something that you will know in time... Nothing to panic about now though.

[Hereforyou]

I hope it's all positive..

I am not sure if I am being unfair not saying "goodnight, love you" before we go to sleep.. I am trying to pull back a bit.. But his flimsy cuddle this morning makes me feel a little unsure...

[Suzi]

That's not uncaring..

[Hereforyou]

His cuddle or me not saying love you and goodnight..??

[Suzi]

Both...

[Hereforyou]

Hmm I am not sure.. He's just upset me a tad and I am not sure if I am over thinking it or feeling emotional because it's my time of the month...

I came home with gifts from friends at work as I am leaving to move on to a promotion which I am really excited about.. He looked at it and told me how it's not that much (I was originally really chuffed about it) .. I left the room because he made me feel a bit crappy about it..

When he followed me upstairs he asked what was wrong and I told him he made me feel crappy about it.. And he said he just meant that he thinks I am worth more than what they got me (fair enough but of course he didn't say that) so I just said he could have said that..

He told me that he didn't know how to put things into words and most boys don't unless it's for special occasions to get something (he's never said that to me in 4 years so that annoyed me a bit because it sounded a bit pig like) ...

I said that at least my work colleagues were happy for me and my new job unlike him who doesn't seem to care or even want to celebrate with me...

I am not sure if I am being moody or if I have a right to feel like that was a bit nasty or if I am being silly..

I just feel a bit upset that he celebrated passing his exam with his friends and doesn't want to celebrate that with me but also doesn't want to celebrate my achievements like he used to.. He's said in the past that he wants to go out now because he wants to drink and forget things but apparently it's different with me..

Am I being silly..???

[Suzi]

I see where you are coming from, but honestly lovely I think you're over reacting to this... Most men aren't that great at explaining things and actually I think what he said when he explained it was really sweet and lovely!

[Hereforyou]

You're probably right..

I just feel a little bit like I am at the bottom of the barrel sometimes...

I am trying to give him space and trying to not smother him or be pushy but I feel like it's not helping at all...

[Suzi]

Nothing is going to be a quick fix. You have to remember that he didn't get this poorly overnight and it's going to take a while to get better...

[Hereforyou]

He got upset when he came home from the gym.. He said how he's been putting on a front because he doesn't want to be the miserable person in the corner.. He doesn't feel like he's getting better and said how he's scared.. I told him that he doesn't need to pretend when he's home but he said how if he doesn't the anger comes back..

I asked him if he wants me to tell him I love him and stuff and he said he does.. He also said that sometimes he does want a cuddle but he doesn't come and get one and he doesn't know why.. I asked him to promise to come and get one but I am not sure if he actually will.. I told him again that I don't want to push him and smother him..

Now I am not sure what I should do.. Should I go back to being how I normally was or should I still try to remain pulled back and closed off..??

He accidently brushed my boob and made a sarcy comment saying sorry.. I asked what that was about and he mentioned how I don't even get undressed in front of him anymore but he doesn't know how he feels about that.. I am not sure why he would mention it though...

[Suzi]

Just be yourself. There is no definitive way of being...

If he's really not feeling any better than I would urge him to go back to the Drs. He's given this medication a long time and it should be fully in his system now. I really think he needs to go back with a bullet pointed list and tell the dr exactly how he's feeling etc and ask for them to look at the medication again...

[Paula]

Don’t foorget that the change in dose is going to have an impact. As I’ve said before, you both have to view his recovery from a wider perspective - day to day there are going to be fluctuations but it does sound that he’s heading in the right direction overall. The fact he’s actually able to make an effort is progress in itself

[Hereforyou]

I just don't want to be pushy.. I am scared of making him feel worse..

Well he went to the doctors on Friday just gone and they've changed from the 40mg back down to the 20mg because they said they want to change the antidepressants altogether but they can't do it straight away as he was on such a high dosage so they need to lower it for 2 weeks and then change it after that...

He has another appointment with them next Friday (1st June) where they will apparently give him a different antidepressant then..

They also said that he would get the therapy appointment started within 2 weeks from this Monday...

Is it possible that trying 20mg doesn't work then going to 40mg doesn't work and then back to 20mg works..? I wouldn't have thought that would work at all..?

I personally agree 100% Paula.. I thought it was great that he's able to make an effort and able to cook dinner and even put on a brave face.. And when he laughed he did seem like he genuinely laughed..

Is it possible that he can begin to recover without believing it himself....

[Suzi]

It's very possible that he is getting better bit by bit, but that he can't see the progress...

Sounds like his GP is being really sensible about him cutting down before switching. It sounds as if they know what they are doing and are fully aware of withdrawal etc...

[Hereforyou]

If he can't see the progress will that affect his progress overall..? He keeps saying its all a brave face so is that progress or a coping mechanism..?

Yes I think his GP is being sensible about it.. I am pleased that he seems to be doing the right thing by him.. I just wish my partner would allow this to take time.. Everytime he gets upset he says how and why he isn't better yet and get frustrated with people telling him it will take time...

[Suzi]

Just keep telling him that he didn't get this poorly overnight....

[Hereforyou]

Hi all..

The last couple of days have been stressful.. He's very angry and fed up of late.. Once again taking it out on me and being snappy and short with me.. Sometimes even being downright rude..

Remind me again that this is normal and just the illness and that it won't be like this forever :( .. Feeling a bit fed up with his attitude towards me but know I probably shouldn't respond to it...

Just need you guys to simmer me down please...

[Suzi]

Is he seeing his Dr? Taking his meds? What about counselling?

[Hereforyou]

He has to see the doctor next Friday.. He's taking the meds as regular but he's still on the 20mg of Citalopram which he didn't think worked at all..

Once again still waiting on the counselling and anger management to materialise...

[Suzi]

Maybe a different med will...

[Hereforyou]

I hope so.. He's not being the nicest to me lately so it's these sort of times that make me feel crappy...

[Paula]

Unfortunately, it takes time for anyone to start counselling, anger management, and so on. There just aren’t the resources. Have you considered going to Relate for relationship counselling, either together or separately?

Edit, sorry forgot to say that usually someone can only have one counselling service at a time so you’d both have to take that into consideration

[Hereforyou]

I knew it took time but I didn't think it took 4 months.. Especially where he's self harmed.. Is suicidal and has lashed out and assaulted people.. I thought that would at least warrant maybe quicker turnaround..

I've mentioned relationship counselling and he's said he doesn't think there's anything wrong with our relationship so therefore he doesn't feel we need it.. And when I've said to him about how he's being horrible to me sometimes he says he doesn't mean to be he just has this attitude that he can't shake of "screw everything" ...

Apparently the anger management and counselling were all supposed to be under the same therapist according to his doctor.. Aside from that I think that's the only counselling he would have.

[magie06]

My hubby didn't think we needed relationship counselling either, but he thought it would be good for me, so he came along. He told me afterwards that he found it helpful.

[Hereforyou]

I've asked so I won't push again.. There's not much of a relationship right now anyway.. It's our anniversary next week but I don't even think he wants to acknowledge it..

[Paula]

Have you considered having relationship counselling on your own? It may help you work through some things

[Hereforyou]

How can I have relationship counselling on my own.?

Our relationship was going well before this.. Now I feel like there is no desire to have a relationship..

[Paula]

You’re in a relationship and you need help, that’s what they do. I had some when my first husband left me and it made a very horrible time easier to deal with

[Hereforyou]

I thought they were just for couples though..?

[Paula]

Nope ..

[Hereforyou]

Would there be much point if he doesn't come too though...??

[Angie]

Yes there would be a point as it will help you

[Paula]

Definitely. It helped me deal with the pain over our marriage, our breakup, with having to maintain a relationship with him for our daughters sake. I was at breaking point when I started counselling and it got me through the worse time of my life

[Hereforyou]

But we haven't broken up..?

[Angie]

Relationship counselling is not there for just breakups or after you have broken up, its there to help with the relationship, even if just one of you goes to the counselling, and that clearly was not what Paula was saying, she was saying that she went on her own, she was trying to help you see you don't have to go to relationship counselling as a couple, the only difference being that it was after she had broken up in her marriage and it helped her to deal with things moving forward.

[Paula]

Relationship counselling can be to help with any relationship, at any stage in that relationship - families, friends even co workers. I really think it could help you figure out what you want in this relationship, and what you should be doing

[Suzi]

I agree. Relationship counselling has to be worth a go surely? It would help you to work out the areas you need to work on either together or on your own and it can provide a safe space to talk about anything and everything that's in your head about your relationship.

[Hereforyou]

I guess.. I will think about it.. Just want the man I fell in love with back.. Or even just to feel like he still loves me and wants us to be together.. I hate it when he's snappy and angry with me.. He says it's because of the depression but sometimes it's hard to always be the person that gets the stick of it..

I am trying very hard to be helpful and understanding.. Doing things like his tax assessment because he keeps forgetting and it's stressing him out.. But then he gets angry because I forgot to wash one thing for him but washed everything else.. His go to is anger and it's always at the slightest thing and doesn't seem to matter how much I do right the slightest thing is wrong and causes him to get angry.. It seems so easy for him to say something that gets on his nerves or to get (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off abp ut something but he can't say anything nice full stop..

Every now and again I offer him a cuddle and he takes it but then it's like he can't wait to stop cuddling me.. I don't want to lose him but every day I seem to just keep (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ing him off and he just seems so angry and fed up it's hard to not take it personally..

[Suzi]

If he's that angry and hurtful to you then is the relationship worth fighting for?

[Hereforyou]

He wasn't like it before that's the thing.. He says he's just angry and sad all the time with everything and everyone...

[Flo]

As harsh as it sounds, I have to say that I'm leaning very much towards Suzi's comment. Would you be prepared to have a trial separation just so both of you can have a good honest think about your relationship? I think it will either make it or break it. You clearly can't go on like this. I don't think it's good for either of you.

[Hereforyou]

I really didn't want that.. I didn't want to lose him at all and he says he doesn't want to lose me either.. But it sounds like everyone thinks it's not worth saving...

I am also slightly worried about if he would hurt himself..

[magie06]

One thing is that no matter how much you love someone, if they are going to hurt themselves nothing you can do or say will stop that. He is an adult, and no matter how much you love him, if he doesn't love you, then really there is nothing to save.

[Hereforyou]

He says he loves me though and says he doesn't want to end things..

And neither do I..

He just says he's angry and miserable all the time and has been for mkonths because of his depression...

[Suzi]

He wasn't like it before that's the thing.. He says he's just angry and sad all the time with everything and everyone...
Being depressed isn't an excuse to be horrible to those around you...

I really didn't want that.. I didn't want to lose him at all and he says he doesn't want to lose me either.. But it sounds like everyone thinks it's not worth saving...
We can only go on what you say....When was the last time you spent some positive time together?


I am also slightly worried about if he would hurt himself..


One thing is that no matter how much you love someone, if they are going to hurt themselves nothing you can do or say will stop that. He is an adult, and no matter how much you love him, if he doesn't love you, then really there is nothing to save.
Exactly this...

He says he loves me though and says he doesn't want to end things..

And neither do I..

He just says he's angry and miserable all the time and has been for mkonths because of his depression...
I'm not sure I buy that tbh...
#i just don't remember you ever being happy....

[Hereforyou]

He's not being horrible just snappy and irritated all the time..

Well he's got anxiety with his depression so he's not enjoying being out very much.. So that means we haven't physically done anything nice together outside but I've tried to make things nice aroubd the house.. It's also our anniversary in a week so I am hoping that we can do something nice for it..

Don't buy what..? That he doesn't want to end things..??

[Paula]

Being snappy and irritated all the time is being horrible. I have depression and anxiety but I’m not awful to my family all the time.

[Hereforyou]

But like you guys says depression affects people in various different ways.. He's always had a problem with anger but never to this extent...

Are you guys all thinking now that this is his way of wanting to end things between us..??

[Suzi]

I have no idea about that, but I do know that having anxiety and depression does not mean you are or should be horrible to those you claim to love.... I know I wouldn't accept it from my husband. The same as he wouldn't accept it from me..

[Hereforyou]

I don't know then.. Everytime I tell him he says he's not doing it on purpose and how its not just me he's doing it to.. He says he doesn't know how to stop himself doing it and just feels like he's getting worse..

Perhaps I should just end it like everyone days.. Perhaps he doesn't love me and that's why he's pushing me away...

[Suzi]

Until he's seen his doctor or until you both talk properly either on your own or with relationship counselling I can't tell you what you should do...

[Paula]

Hunni, we can not tell you what you should be doing. All we can give you is the benefit of our experiences, you are the only one who can decide whether it helps or not. I don’t know what you should do, I do think you’re in an awful situation. I wish I had answers but I don’t. Relationship counselling may give you those answers

[Angepange01]

Hi
Can i start by saying its not your fault your boyfriend has depression!! Its a mental illness and yes they can blame you for how they are feeling and make you feel like if you change the way you are or the things you do or act then it will somehow make them better. NOT TRUE!! My husband when hes feeling low and in a bad place blames me for everything. He wouldnt be moody if the kitchen was cleaner or he could find his socks!! Believe me ive heard it all he will even go back 15 years and think of a row we had and say if you hadnt done that or said that hed be ok. Again NOT TRUE!! He is struggling with a mental illness and unfortunately all you can do is be there to love and support them. It can be very hard when they are being mean for sure but if you have a strong enough relationship you can get through anything. If he needs a little space then give it to him but just let him know you are there for him when he needs you. But please know nothing you did caused his depression its not your fault and its something he will have to learn to live with and seek help for if he wants to get any better.

[Suzi]

That's a great post in support, however the thread is about a year old....