View Full Version : boyfriends depression breaking my heart SU trigger
Hereforyou
19-04-18, 09:13 AM
I dress nicely in general.. I am not a "jeans and a t-shirt" type of person so anywhere I go I try to look my best....
He said he wouldn't have been comfortable going out for dinner after work together as he would be wearing his work uniform covered in muck and I would look nice but said if I took him clothes it wouldn't be an issue because he would also look nice...
I don't understand why the present would have resulted in him being teased..? It was a mug from the disney store and it was in a shopping bag so it's not like I got him a teddy or something and no one saw it.. I also wasn't standing right outside the site I was just down the road from it.....
I didn't know me just being there in general would be an issue but I did know dinner after work without a change of clothes would be... That's not what I did though and I certainly don't think it warrants him being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row and sulking.....
I also don't even see why it's an issue in the first place.. He should be proud of me if that's the case...
Is this something you’d done before? If not, could he potentially have seen this as you being provocative?
Building sites are notoriously difficult and I know that my Dad never wanted Mum anywhere near them.... I am sure that's he is proud of you, but there is a difference between that and having other men letch over you...
Hereforyou
19-04-18, 12:04 PM
I've met him from work before and it's never been an issue.. Albeit it wasn't right outside of the site but I've still met him from work..
I can somewhat understand why he didn't want me there but I don't think it was fair for him to speak to me in such a way and to continue to make me feel bad despite apologising the day before.... And completely disregard the fact I tried to do something nice in the first place....
He's still sulking even now... Left this morning without so much of a hug or kiss or even a "love you".. I ignored him because I was upset with being spoken to so badly and he ignored me because his work colleagues made him feel bad...
Jaquaia
19-04-18, 12:05 PM
No, being abusive and aggressive 2 days in a row isn't on, but I think you need to try and see it from his point of view.
It isn't a case of him not being proud of you. I will admit that I have it easier than you as me and my partner both have depression and anxiety so we both understand how bad it can get for the other, and of course, I'm only guessing based on my own experiences so I could be wrong but bear with me...
I'm quite a big girl and I've been blessed with very large boobs so I actually look in proportion! I'm apparently also pretty. I use kik messenger a lot and did have a selfie as my profile pic. I was inundated with messages from men I didn't know, telling me they thought I was fit, that my boobs were awesome among other stuff and then sending me a dick pic. My partner knows as I have always been honest with him and it upsets him because how he sees it is that I am not just a pair of boobs to be objectified, but I am an intelligent woman, there is an awesome person behind all the physical stuff (his words not mine!).
Now my partner only heard about it second hand from me and it upset him. Imagine your bf hearing that kind of stuff repeatedly in person, how hard that must be as if he had objected much, he would have probably been ribbed even more. Now imagine hearing all that while feeling utter (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)e and having to expend so much energy pretending to be ok while still trying to do your job. Imagine hearing all that while trying to hide that you feel like there's no joy in the world and feeling like there never will be again.
Depression is not always rational, it can make the smallest thing seem huge. Our reactions can be out of proportion. He obviously loves you and wants to prevent them leering at you again, he just might not be going about it the right way.
Hereforyou
19-04-18, 12:39 PM
When you put it like that I guess I can understand a bit.. He gets annoyed when we walk past people and they just look at me.. It just annoyed me that I apologised when I did it on Tuesday.. And then he must have had an argument at work yesterday and tried to make me feel bad about it again.....
I am not really too sure what to do now.. We spent all day yesterday in separate rooms because he had upset me so much.. And the way he was this morning was also upsetting too..
Whether it’s rational or not, you upset him and it’s human nature to respond in kind. I know it’s not something that comes naturally to most people but I think you need to swallow your pride and try to make up. I’ve been with my husband almost 20 years and sometimes that’s all you can do - whether you’re right or wrong
Hereforyou
19-04-18, 01:32 PM
But I didn't personally do anything to upset him .. And I already apologised and he continued to carry it on a day later and was rude about it...
I am fine apologising but I don't feel it's reasonable to let him "get away" with being rude and aggressive and dragging it on for another day despite me apologising already...
No it's not and to be fair he shouldn't be being aggressive to you at all - that's not excusable in any circumstance, but if he knew that he'd be going back in today for more of the same then I can understand him being upset....
Jaquaia
19-04-18, 06:25 PM
I'm going to make a few observations which may not go down very well so apologies in advance if any offence is caused as that is certainly not my intention...
I think you need to take a step back and try and look at this as an outsider. For starters, was he expecting you to meet him after work or did you try and surprise him? Surprises quite often set off my anxiety, it's very rare my partner just shows up as he knows I don't deal with it very well. It sets me on edge. If you surprised him then I can understand him being upset, especially given the environment he works in.
You say you apologised but how? Did you say you were sorry and leave it at that or was it followed by a but? I've been binge watching Santa Clarita Diet and something struck a chord with me in the last couple of episodes. In general, an apology followed by a but isn't an apology, it's trying to justify something. Have you asked him why he was so angry with you about it? Have you considered that you trying to be nice by buying him the gift and then taking it with you to meet him just ended up making things even more difficult for him at a time when he's already struggling to just get through the day?
Your last few posts are very focused on him upsetting you, and you're entitled to be upset when he treats you badly, but have you stopped and considered that he may be upset too? Not everyone deals with upset in the same way and add depression in to the mix and it has the potential to be incredibly difficult for him to cope with.
Speaking from a personal point of view, I have always been known as being calm and rational. I used to work with teenagers on the SEN register and could get through to the most difficult of them because of that calmness, yet depression makes me incredibly irritable and irrational. I'm fairly close to my parents but when I'm feeling really low, I can't cope with them talking to me, I can't cope with them doing nice things for me, I can't even cope with them being in the same room as me. I don't tolerate people well at all and get very snappy. In fact, the only person I can cope with is my partner as he understands and he knows what I need when I'm like that. It's not that I'm trying to be rude, it's just that I physically and mentally can't cope with people talking to me
You said that you ignored him because he upset you and then commented about him carrying things on, but by ignoring him you're also carrying things on, that's not just on him.
Depression is no excuse for behaving badly. Sometimes it takes me a huge physical effort to not snap at people. Sometimes it's incredibly difficult when people don't understand though. I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I'm just trying to offer an explanation. How he feels isn't about you, it's about his thinking being distorted by his illness. He'll be trying so hard to pretend he's ok that some days he'll be too exhausted to keep the mask in place.
Does this make sense?
That post is exactly why I had to talk to people who had depression when Marc was struggling - because I needed to hear things from the "other side" so to speak..
Hereforyou
20-04-18, 07:44 AM
*****TRIGGER WARNING****
I can understand him being upset too.. I dont think the surprise was what upset him as we often do little surprises for each other.. As I've said we always have been a very affectionate couple... I did apologise on the day it happened and it wasn't a "sorry but" kind of apology.. It was genuine.. In terms of why he was angry he said it was simply because he knew he would get stick the next day and that's what he was upset about.. He wasn't upset or angry when he saw me or even as we were walking.. It seemed that he got upset when he started to process what the next days events might have been.. He did say and look like he was genuinely pleased with the surprise.. It does make sense which is why I tried to to talk to him last night.. I am always the one that goes running back from an argument to try and rectify things and admittedly it may have been wrong but I just couldn't cope with doing that on Wednesday when he has upset me at work.. There's a lot of problems for me at work which he is fully aware of and started before his depression so I desperately didn't want to get upset at work like he made me.. Admittedly it may have been wrong for me to ignore him but I just needed a breather myself and I just needed to take myself away for a couple of hours and particularly let him see that he cannot talk to me in such a way..
We talked last night and I explained that whilst I understand what upset him and annoyed him.. He needed to explain that to me in a way that Jacquala did because once she had explained how it may have actually been I understood a lot more.. I also explained that it wasn't fair for him to take his frustrations out on me because people at work had upset him.. Ultimately all he had done was cause more issues by lashing out at me.. And that if he simply worded his frustrations in a less aggressive and rude way he knows I would have apologised and tried my hardest to cheer him up when he got home (like either of us always has done when the other has a bad day) ...
I greatly appreciate you helping me understand and I don't take anything you say on offence or as an excuse.. It's helping me to understand so thank you so much.. It makes total sense and I know that he has been putting on a mask.. Since the medication change however he is struggling to put on the masks at home it seems..
Yes Suzi you're definitely right.. Being here is so helpful to understand what's going through his mind and helps talking to other people on their experiences too..
The sad thing Is though.. On Wednesday when I left him alone he decided to have a bottle of beer and was very low.. This lead to him harming himself 😢😢😢 ..
I feel so guilty like it's all my fault because if I had been there it wouldn't have happened.. If I had stayed it wouldn't have happened.. I feel awful because I left him to sit in self pity and it caused him to do this.. Thankfully they are not that deep or bad and have already started to close up but I can't help but feel dreadful and how I am to blame.. He said tha t work was horrible and he spent the whole day listening to people say crude things about me.. I again apologised and said that it wasn't my intention in the slightest..
When I was a teenager I was bullied very badly and in an abusive relationship so I got depression then and used to self harm.. It brought back all of those awful feelings and memories which sadly I understood more when he talked about them..
I've said that he needs to go back to the doctors after next Saturday if he still feels like this as Saturday (28th April) will be 2 weeks since starting the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg .. He had a telephone assessment for therapy today and they have referred him to another specialist who have to give him another telephone assessment so again that is taking a lot of time..
I just don't know what to say to him when he asks for help and guidance.. He keeps asking me what to do and apart from keeping on with the tablets.. Trying the therapy and trying to be positive and strong I can't suggest anything else..
What else can we try..?? What else can I say..??
Jaquaia
20-04-18, 09:13 AM
Firstly, well done for having that conversation. That must have been difficult.
Regarding the medication, it doesn't work like that I'm afraid. Dosage increases work the same as starting the medication; side effects, 4-6 weeks to reach therapeutic levels in your body, so again it needs time.
The self-harm. It's not your fault. It's simply a coping mechanism, not a healthy one but one nonetheless! How it works for me personally is I get overwhelmed and I start scratching. It's not something that I realise I'm doing until it starts hurting, and by that time I've taken off a few layers of skin. I know others do it because it helps them feel in control.
He can try peer support groups, there are support lines...most people assume that the samaritans are a suicide helpline, they will actually listen to you talk about anything if it helps you through a tough time. There are online CBT programs. Mind often run support groups and various courses.
Hereforyou
20-04-18, 09:21 AM
It was difficult.. Especially after learning about what he did to himself.. But I think he needed to know that as much as I support his depression I don't support being treated unfairly...
Ahh I see.. I thought it would take 2 weeks.. So at what point should we go back to the doctors..?
I truly feel like it is.. He said he felt so low and how I wasn't there and now I feel terrible.. It took every ounce of strength in my body to not cry and just hug him because I didn't want to be pushy.. He said it was because he felt so low and wanted to take away the pain from his head but it didn't help.. He now feels embarrassed and ashamed about it.. I helped him dress it this morning and I just felt awful whilst doing it...
Yeah I may suggest those to him... My work provide a service to us and our family.. I phoned them about myself and how I can try to help and they said he can get 6 weeks of counselling.. Should i tell him to try that in the meantime..?
Having had a telephone assessment already is actually really fast. It's not uncommon to wait 6 months to a year for assessment and then up to 3 years for therapy after that...
If he's self harming then he needs to make the Dr aware of that - particularly if it's a new "thing" since starting the meds.
You could suggest he joins here? We have separate areas of the forum that you can both access so you can both speak openly without the other seeing everything if it helps?
Hereforyou
20-04-18, 11:34 AM
Oh really.. I didn't know that.. My father was also given a telephone assessment pretty quickly so it seemed quite a quick turnaround for that just not the appointments....
Yes I think the doctor does need to know to be honest...
I've suggested but I honestly don't think he would feel comfortable with it.. He's not that way inclined.. Do you think the private therapy would work best for the time being..? I was thinking perhaps he could start that as something sooner and then transfer over to the NHS therapy once it starts..?
What can I do..?
If someone wants to self harm, they’re always going to find a way. He would have found the opportunity at some point to do this so you can’t blame yourself, or blame him. It’s a coping mechanism for lots of reasons, not least because physical pain can mute mental pain. What your focus needs to be on is that the wounds are clean and dressed, and try to find other ways for him to deal with it all. For instance, if I’m feeling the urge to SH, I do some cross stitch instead.
I feel like you’re being unrealistic in terms of the length of time it’ll take for him to recover. Depression is a chronic illness, he’s probably been ill for much longer than you think and it’s going to take at least the same length of time for him to recover - even when he does find the treatment plan that helps him itms. You need to be patient
Hereforyou
20-04-18, 01:16 PM
I know.. I have self harmed myself over a decade ago so I know the principles of it.. Still doesn't make me feel any better in terms of feeling like I've let him down...
I know that it can take time for him to recover .. But what can I do in that time frame to try to help him along the way.. He is incredibly fed up and saying he is giving up because what he's tried doesn't seem to be helping so what can I do until he does start feeling better to not let him give up...
He needs to go back and see his GP lovely....
I wouldn't look into private therapy right now. I think he needs to work on getting the right medication and the right dosage first....
Hereforyou
20-04-18, 08:39 PM
When do you think he should go back to the gp..? He has been on the stronger dosage for 1 week tomorrow so I thought it might have been too soon..?
I came home from the gym today to find him crying again :( .. He's feeling very low.. Worse than what he did when he first got diagnosed... The doctor did tell him it will get worse before it gets better so I am not sure if this is just that...
Sweetheart you said you've had depression before, what did you want when you were ill?
Hereforyou
21-04-18, 11:00 AM
Mine was very different.. I knew what the trigger was and I was completely alone in life.. I was severely bullied so I had no friends.. Was in an abusive relationship so didn't have a supportive partner and my parents were going through hell and back with their marriage so I didn't even tell them.. Plus I was doing my exams so I had to study all the time...
With my depression I was desperate to feel loved and wanted.. I felt useless and alone in every aspect of my life.. I felt like a mess and a total failure...
I am not entirely sure if that's how my partner feels.. He does feel like he's a mess but because he is depressed.. And he knows that he is loved tremendously.. Even by my own family who often tell him despite his mum not telling him often...
I ask him what I can do or how I can help and he just says he doesn't know.. Keeping busy helps him because he can take his mind off of things but in recent days when I've asked him if he wants to go out he starts to cry and says he doesn't want to be around people and doesn't want to leave the house.. He goes to work and paintballm because he doesn't want to let people down...
I wish I knew how or what can help that I can do...
Jaquaia
21-04-18, 11:14 AM
Depression doesn't have to have triggers. Sometimes it just is. I can understand him not wanting to be around people. Less than 5 minutes has made me retreat back to my room this morning. Being around people means you feel like the mask has to be in place and that's exhausting. Maybe him finding a hobby he can do at home would help? Or maybe joing some depression groups/forums and just reading other peoples stories so he can see that he's not alone and it can get better.
Maybe it’d help if you looked around other threads here, it might give you an idea of how we interact with our loved ones?
Hereforyou
21-04-18, 01:44 PM
Yeah I've tried to explain that to him.. Although he's adamant that it must be something but he just doesn't know what..
I think a hobby at home would be a great idea.. I will try to think of things I cs n get him to start as a hobby.. Can you recommend anything..?
I think you guys have all been great at helping me understand things.. You've made me feel a lot more like it's not me and rather the disease that's made him pull away so you've settled that feeling for sure...
What about something you can do together, but also separately? When Marc was having such big panic attacks and couldn't leave the house without diazepam or ambulances being called he fell back into photography. He's a seriously amazing photographer. We went off to some of the old churches in our area as they were generally deserted, no need to interact. One day we found our way into a local church which changed our lives. The church was locked, but the vicar was so friendly when we went in to ask when it would be open and he opened it up for us. Marc explained why he wanted to take pictures and the vicar was really happy to help. Marc explained that he had no faith and didn't want to be intruding. The vicar said that "sometimes there's too much religion in faith" and "actually that means you have more right to be in here than I do." We went back a couple of times. Then one day we were talking and I said I'd like to go back for a service. This church has a Wednesday morning service at 10am which has around 20 people there. We started going regularly. The vicar had already said that if he needed to Marc could get up and walk around or walk in and out if he needed to. It's really changed so much for us.
Jaquaia
21-04-18, 02:32 PM
You know him better so you know what his interests are. Paula does seriously awesome cross stitch, Suzi is a great crocheter, magie is a talented knitter. Me, I'm a jack of all trades really. I mainly read but also write, draw, knit, do diamond pictures and have just learnt how to cross stitch too.
Hereforyou
21-04-18, 02:33 PM
I'd love to do something together... I really want to find something that he can maybe start now at home and when he's feeling better can take it outside...
I am thinking maybe those little model building things.. He adores anything star wars related or Lego so I was thinking maybe something like that...
Do you guys have anything you think might be useful.. Something that he can build because he loves doing things like that...
Why not something like the lego deathstar? It's meant to be an amazing kit... Or building up the airfix models type of thing? You could start with the "if you could have any car in the world which one would you have?" and get the one for you and one for him and you could build them?
magie06
21-04-18, 02:43 PM
A hobby doesn't have to be useful. But they help pass the time and can help take your mind off your worries for a while. As well as knitting I like reading and colouring, gardening and walking. Besides the reading the rest can be done together. Also, don't worry about getting your bf to talk. It can be very difficult to talk when in a crisis.
Hunni, we’re no experts in the field of hobbies and anything we could suggest is not going to be better than anything you could come up with, as you know him best
Hereforyou
21-04-18, 04:57 PM
He would love the deathstar but it's super expensive haha..
I've found some puzzles we could do and I am going to look for a model car of his favourite car and mine.. He's a great drawer too so I might ask for him to draw me some stuff.. I think that'll be good..
Hereforyou
22-04-18, 12:31 PM
I will do that.. Thanks for the advice..
Yesterday he came home like his normal self... It was the first time for a couple of days that he didn't seem incredibly low.. He then went out with his paintball team.. He didn't drink much at all and came home quite late but he seemed to enjoy himself..
That's great! Have you spoken to him about maybe doing something together?
Hereforyou
22-04-18, 04:09 PM
He's gone to paintball today so he's not around.. His said goodbye quiet early this morning whilst I was still asleep.. Came upstairs 3 times and each time still said goodbye with a kiss and his forehead to my lips...
I've asked a couple of days ago about doing something together and he said he didn't want to be around people.. But be might be feeling a little less low now so perhaps I can approach the subject again soon..
It's my birthday Tuesday so I am nervous about what's happening for that...
Jaquaia
22-04-18, 05:29 PM
Just be aware that although there can be good days, it doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be well enough to go out and be around people. I'm in an ok mood today compared to how low I have been recently, but I know I wouldn't be able to go out and be around people.
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 06:54 AM
Well he went out for drinks with his paintball team on Saturday and then went to paintball yesterday.. He came home and said he had a good day and played well..
He had forgotten his antidepressants so said that maybe that's why he's been feeling rubbish all day.. But he really didn't seem it at all so I am a tad confused as only 2 days before he was incredibly low so there is some progress in my eyes... Just perhaps not in his :/ ..
Forgetting an anti d can make you feel awful, if he's struggling anyway, then this is likely to have a huge impact.
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 08:41 AM
That's what's confusing me though.. He didn't seem like he was struggling at all.. For 2 days straight he did seem really really bad and really low.. But then on Saturday and Sunday he seemed to be much better and able to cope better.. Even being a bit more affectionate when he came home yesterday and opened his arms to me to cuddle up to him on the sofa (which was wonderful :) :) ) something he hasn't done for months..
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 08:43 AM
Sorry that was meant to be "3 days straight" ....
Jaquaia
23-04-18, 08:52 AM
Like I've said, there can still be good days, and maybe the paintballing was just what he needed, but if he says he felt awful then he felt awful. I seem fine to everyone most days, yet inside I'm disappointed I woke up. To everyone else I can seem great, laughing and joking, but in my head, I'm fighting the urge to swallow a handful of my mums controlled drugs, I'm fighting the urge to get out my nail scissors and carve into my arm. He may have felt more able to cope yesterday, but it doesn't mean he was ok.
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 09:19 AM
I am sorry you feel that way.. I guess you're probably right...
I am just worried that he will continue to be negative and find something wrong all of the time even if he is getting better...
Jaquaia
23-04-18, 09:38 AM
It might be an idea for you to look at the Time to Change website. It isn't about continuing to be negative and finding something wrong all the time and I really hope you've not made that comment to him. I've had that kind of comment made to me by a friend who said he will always be there for me and will always listen. I refuse to lean on him now. I would rather struggle on alone then turn to him.
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 09:49 AM
No I haven't said that to him.. I have said that he needs to try to remain positive in general though when he's talked about never getting better and so on..
It was nice that he offered me a cuddle so I am pleased about that because it has been such a long time.. I hope tomorrow goes okay...
Glad that you got your cuddle lovely.
Sometimes it’s about taking it hour by hour. I’m struggling at the moment and my husband will tell me that, for instance, I seem better now than I did this morning. Sometimes my mood can change in a matter of hours. I hope this makes sense
Hereforyou
23-04-18, 02:17 PM
Thank you Suzi :) .. I am glad too.... Small victories :) ..
I don't want to mention it too much.. I know he gets upset and says how he doesn't want to talk so I always leave it to him when it comes to talking about his depression....
Hereforyou
25-04-18, 10:38 AM
So there have been a couple of ups and downs over the last two days..
Monday he came home late as he went shopping for my birthday.. He posted a picture from a page called "Depressed Feelings" that said "How can you run away from the thoughts in your head" on to Facebook... When he came home I asked him if he is okay and what feelings he was trying to run away from.. He said how he still felt rubbish and he wanted to run away from the thoughts of why he felt like this, why nothing in his life made him feel happy and not even the slightest thing seemed to brighten his spirits.. He then said he didn't want to talk about it anymore and said how he doesn't feel good when he talks about it as it makes him feel worse..
Yesterday was my birthday... He woke me up with some lovely cuddles.. Some kisses and a cup of tea before he set off to work.. He organised a Disney afternoon tea for us (not the type of thing he likes but he knew I would love it) so he had a half day and told me when to be ready for.. He came home a tad late and rushed.. Giving himself a headache as he got worried we would miss the reservation.. Whilst there I could tell he was uncomfortable because he felt it was all a little bit too posh for him.. Nevertheless we had a nice time whilst there and I could see he was trying..
When we went home he wrapped my presents and presented them nicely on the sofa and saying how he was sorry it isn't much.. I hugged him and said its plenty and that I loved them..
I opened his card first which said "Sorry I haven't been myself lately and sorry I haven't made much of an effort this year" I held him and told him that he shouldn't be sorry at all and that I am just happy he was there to spend it with me.. He started to cry and I cuddled him telling him its the thought and effort that counts..
We had to rush off out again as him and my parents had planned dinner round their home with my niece and nephews there too.. That was wonderful.. He wasn't "miserable" or "sad" at all.. He was concerned about people seeing the cuts on his arm so hid it the majority of the time.. He cuddled my nephews and niece and genuinely seemed great like he was really trying.. I noticed whilst we were looking on his phone a slightly inappropriate looking video on his phone and calmly asked what it was about.. He said that it was one of his weird work friends that send him stupid jokey videos.. I know this is something that happened before as he would show me some of them so I didn't probe too much as we were around my parents..
When we went home he made me a cup of tea and we sat together in the front room for a bit.. It was still playing on my mind so I asked him to be honest about the video and asked if there's a particular reason why he was being a bit secretive with his phone.. He reassured me that he was only being secretive because of my birthday and that the video definitely wasn't the bad sort.. He reassured me that he loved me still and I said I still loved him..
I thanked him for a wonderful day and he began to cry saying that he didn't think it was a wonderful day and that he knew he hadn't made much of an effort this year.. He said he still feels rubbish but I asked if he was happy when he saw how thrilled I was with my surprise and around my nephews and he said he was and how he loves getting cuddles off of him.. When I asked if he would like to take him out this weekend he said that it was incredibly hard being out around strangers today.. Again I thanked him for trying so hard and doing so well for me to make my day special.. I said he had been doing very well when he went out for drinks with his paintball team and went to paintball and he said it was because they are people he knows and that know about his depression..
We mentioned sex and said that he felt bad because he knew I would want to but that he didn't want to and how it wasn't right.. Saying it was so much effort.. I explained that it was okay and that I understood and it wouldn't be permanent.. I tried to reassure him and tell him that he was amazing and how I had a wonderful day even though he kept saying he didn't feel like it was himself.. I told him that it was the depression telling him that and he should believe me and not the depression..
After a while we laid down together and he asked me to clean his ears as there was hair from his hair cut and then stroke his hair .. We went to bed and he asked me to carry on as it made him sleepy. We talked about paintball and about me going with him and he said he was concerned that if I go I would be bored I told him I would be there to support him and see him win and that wouldn't make me bored because I enjoy seeing his successes. I said how I felt like he didn't want me to come all of a sudden and he told me he didn't want me to be bored and didn't want me to waste my time I tried to reassure him that it wouldn't be the case and he said okay that's fine..
I would say good all in all right ..?
It sounds brilliant.
Happy belated birthday for yesterday!
Hereforyou
25-04-18, 12:13 PM
Yay.. I am super glad you think so.. I am so proud of him..
Just worried I didn't say the right things or something.. Love him so much I just want to help in whatever way I can...
Thank you very much :) xx
Hunni, relax, chill, just be you.
Hereforyou
25-04-18, 02:01 PM
Thank you :) ...
Hereforyou
01-05-18, 03:21 PM
Hi all..
Sorry for adding to this thread again but I need some advice..
I am not sure what I can say to him anymore as I genuinely don't feel like I am helping...
Things weren't particularly bad after my birthday.. He seemed okay for the majority of it.. Normal ups and downs like last Thursday he was very tired and seemed incredibly down so I let him sleep when he got home from work and when he woke up he seemed okay...
On Friday however I quit my job (I have a new job already lined up which I am beyond thrilled about) but I was surprised to hear my manager ask if he can convince my mind and suddenly felt guilty like I was giving up on an otherwise good job.. I posted on to Facebook about having a difficult decision about walking away or trying harder.. But I couldn't put too much on there as my work didn't know about my other job so I left it ambiguous
My friend messaged me telling me she had seen my partner somewhere different to where he told me he was working.. So when I got home he was late home.. I asked him why he was late and he told me that he was at the site he told me he was at late (this was a lie as my friend saw him somewhere else) .. I asked him again and he lied to me again so I asked him why he was lying... He was incredibly horrible about the whole situation and acted like he didn't care that I was upset with him for lying.. In the end he told me that I should walk away like I wanted to (he had obviously seen my Facebook comment from hours before) .. I did my best to explain and convince him of the truth.. He began crying about how he is over thinking everything and feels nothing but sadness and anger... I told him that whenever he feels like something wasn't right he should have just asked me.. That prompted him to ask me why I hadn't "kissed him properly or said goodbye properly" that morning.. Again it was a simple reason of me being tired and having menstrual cramps so not feeling great.. But he had told me he had thought about that all day...
The weekend came along and he seemed genuinely okay.. We went for a nice dinner together where he said he was feeling very anxious being around so many strangers but I reassured him he didn't appear that way and that he did really well..
The only thing that seemed to bother him a huge amount was that I didn't read his text or message him back when he told me he was on his way home from work.. I really didn't understand why he got so anxious about it but he seemed really on edge about it..
Sunday he went to his mum's.. He asked me not to go with him as he wanted to tell his mum about his depression.. He asked me to wait for him for dinner but in the end it had gotten late so I messaged him asking what's happening and he told me he was in a cab home.. Again I didn't respond to this message and when he came home he was again anxious and annoyed about it..
Yesterday however wasn't great.. He seemed okay up until his paintball team started to annoy him when he tried to organise a meal with them.. We walked our dog to my parents and my mum upset me.. He then got the ump with me for being upset with my mum because I apparently "barged past him 3 times".. We were in a tiny room and I just walked past.. Despite apologising he still had the ump with me..
When I asked what had made him get so angry he said he had been like that all day and how he only feels anger and sadness.. He said tha t he started to randomly get angry yesterday whilst he was sat at his mum's and didn't have an idea why.. He keeps saying how fed up he is and how he doesn't want to give it anymore time.. I've asked him about going for private therapy or something like that and he said that he is worried they will section him... I've tried telling him that it's okay and that he will get better.. or things like I understand and he just throws it back in my face telling me that I don't understand because he doesn't even understand his head so how can I.. He gets angry when I tell him that it's okay or try to console him by rubbing his leg or shoulder but then also doesn't want a cuddle.. I just can't win.... He told me he wanted to be left alone for a bit so I left him alone and then when I went downstairs to get ready for bed he said I didn't have to go to bed yet.. So again I am like "Do you want to be left alone or not" ...
He's just so confusing and difficult right now and I feel like nothing I say is making a difference.. I've suggested going back to the doctors and he just says he might as Well wait for his next appointment.. Nothing seems to go in..
What can I do..
Ok, hunni, I’m going to be honest with you. First, you need to look at the big picture. To keep picking apart every single moment with him is only going to hurt. But if you take a step back to look at any changes over, say, the last week or two, you may see a true pattern emerging. If you don’t see any change, maybe talk to him about seeing his doctor again.
Re the fear of being sectioned. Tbh, there are so few psych beds available right now that you have to be really, really ill to be sectioned. I was in hospital a few years ago and I was very ill - the other patients literally didn’t see me for two weeks because I was so terrified of the world I couldn’t talk to anybody. Your bf is working, it may be hard for him but he is doing it - he’d have to get a lot worse than he is to be sectioned.
Hereforyou
01-05-18, 05:46 PM
I am trying not to and trying to look at the improvements he's making.. Like being able to be himself a bit more.. But even now I've come home and he's started having a go at me because I didn't read or reply to his message and it's the third time I've done it... I've tried to tell him he's being silly but I don't even understand what his problem is...
Jaquaia
01-05-18, 06:04 PM
Was there a reason you didn't read or reply to his message?
I was wondering why you didn't reply to him too..
Thing is, just replying to his message will solve the problem. Yes, he’s probably acting a bit paranoid at the moment and, yes, he should trust you, but when you both are dealing with so much right now, surely just making things easy for both of you by replying is the better option ....
Hereforyou
01-05-18, 07:30 PM
On Saturday I didn't reply because I was tidying up and didn't hear my phone.. On Sunday because there was nothing to reply to (I'd already said see you soon and he was just telling me how long he will be
) .. And today was because he told me he had good news to tell me when he got home and I was on the train so by the time I could reply I was already nearly home...
I am always the person to text him either way and I tried to explain that I am the person that texts him to start a conversation so i am hardly ignoring him...
That's cool, I was only asking ;) You seem defensive lovely, there is no need.
However, I learnt that Marc worried if he didn't get a reply, so I made sure I replied as and when I could. I still let him know when I get somewhere and when I leave - it's not about being controlled, it's about him loving me enough to care and me loving him enough to let him know.... Saves him worrying and makes it easier all round
Jaquaia
01-05-18, 08:43 PM
This may sound harsh but I really think you would benefit from reading other threads on here and from checking out the Time to Change website as you're not understanding. I'm sorry if that upsets you but you aren't.
This isn't about you. This isn't about you always being the one to text him to start a conversation, this is him sat waiting for a reply and his thinking being so skewed that he starts wondering if he's upset you, if he's done something wrong, if you're mad at him, if he's actually good enough for you. This is about him getting (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off at the world and not knowing why, so it must be something wrong with him, he must be a horrible person because normal people don't get so angry over nothing. This is about him feeling completely worthless and it not mattering if you tell him different as you must just be saying it to make him feel better as you couldn't possibly mean it. And you must be getting fed up of his changes in moods and him feeling so low.
To describe it succinctly, depression is a bitch. My partner absolutely adores me; he tells me every single day just how much he loves me; how he is with me, how he looks at me... this amazing man makes me believe in soulmates. But when we're apart, my head is telling me how much better he deserves, how worthless I am, how disgusting I am, how he would be better off without me. When he goes a few hours without texting me, I KNOW that work has got manic, or I KNOW that he is busy with his children but I immediately wonder if I've done something wrong. My head can turn innocent remarks into huge issues, that he wants to leave me, he's having second thoughts etc.
I can have days where I can't cope with people talking to me and it makes me want to scream at them to (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear) off and leave me alone. Yesterday I almost told my mother where to go and walked away from my dad as he was talking to me as I could feel my control slipping. In that frame of mind, I need to be left alone, in fact the only person I can tolerate when I'm like that is my partner!
I can wake up and regret it immediately because I have to get through another day. My chest will feel tight and my heart will race because I have another day of trying to survive to get through.
Your bf will have similar thoughts and feelings to those. They won't be the same as depression is a very individual illness. Somehow, you need to find out what he needs from you, while trying to do as much as you can to actually understand.
That's such an open and honest post. Thank you Jaq, that can't have been easy. Much love and respect.
Hereforyou
01-05-18, 10:23 PM
I understand what you're saying Suzi but I am so fed up feeling like I don't do anything right... Feeling like I have to constantly watch what I do and say despite the fact that there's still other problems in my life aside from just him...
I've read the time to change website and I am trying my best.. But it's just not good enough.. I am always a last thought and can't even have a bad day myself without feeling like I am going to upset him.. No perhaps I am not understanding and perhaps I never will.. I am just trying my best... At least you can take the things your partner says and see the positives in them.. I just get told to stop and how it's not helping..
It seems like he wants me to leave him alone too though.. He seems to tolerate everyone.. He's even out now with his paintball team having dinner and drinks but when it comes to me he can't handle being around strangers too much and wants to go home pretty quick..
I've asked him constantly what I can do or what helps/doesn't and he just says he doesn't know...
Tell me, if he’d had an operation and needed months of recuperation, would you take it personally if he was constantly in pain and grumpy with it, taking it out on you? If he’d broken his leg and needed weeks not being able to use it, and had to keep asking for your help to get him to the loo, would you feel comfortable saying that you’d had a difficult day so he’ll need to get himself sorted out? Your bf is ill and that will mean you will have to make adjustments.
The World Health Organisation description of depression is that ‘Depression is a common illness worldwide, with more than 300 million people affected. Depression is different from usual mood fluctuations and short-lived emotional responses to challenges in everyday life. Especially when long-lasting and with moderate or severe intensity, depression may become a serious health condition. It can cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly at work, at school and in the family’
Depression “may become a serious health condition” which may “cause the affected person to suffer greatly and function poorly ....... in the family”. This isn’t a down day, week, month. This is an illness that can be dangerous if not treated properly - and part of that treatment is the care and support of our loved ones. Accepting that reality is crucial if we’re able to get theough this. I can honestly say I wouldn’t be here if it hadn’t been for my husband’s support. When I was in hospital, he was insistent that he came to see me every day. At the time, our children were small (aged 7 and 3) so he would get them sorted for school/childcare, work from home for a few hours, feed the kids, get my mum to look after them so he could come up to the hospital, spend a couple of hours with me then go home and continue working til the early hours of the morning. Not once, at that time or any other difficulty we’ve been through, has he ever complained about the impact on him.
Hereforyou
01-05-18, 11:10 PM
That's the thing I have been there when he broke his hand.. I took the slack and cared for him then.. Took the burden of his moods.. His care and even his finances..
I get that he's ill but it makes me so angry that it seems like I am the only one he can't be around for too long.. I am the only one that gets forgotten about.. I've not said anything to him about how I am feeling but I am getting so tired of being the brunt end of everything and even when I think he's starting to show signs of improvement he just shuts it all down and says it's all pretend..
I am trying my best but nothing is good enough and I just don't know how much longer I can keep banging my head against a brick wall feeling like the man I loved so deeply is gone and doesn't so much as even care about me anymore...
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 08:11 AM
I just feel like I want to cry.. In fact it's much more difficult right now to stop myself from crying than it is to actually cry..
When if got quite late last night I messaged him asking if he was okay.. Simply because it was gone 11pm, he had work the next morning, he told me it was only dinner and a couple of drinks and because only 24hours before he told me how he feels so angry and he feels like he will flip his lid at anyone for absolutely anything and he doesn't feel like he can control his aggression.. I genuinely laid in bed worried that he was either angry or having an anxiety attack..
My message simply got ignored.. I then messaged him again for it to be ignored again.. I tried to call him and I got ignored.. I left it for a little bit and messaged again only to be ignored.. I finally phoned him one last time before being ignored again...
At gone 12pm he came home very drunk.. Our dog started barking so i ran downstairs scared only to realise it was because he fumbled about outside the front door.. When he came in he shoved the dog away (who was happily greeting him) with his foot and started to swear at him.. I said hello and was greeted by an angry drunk man who just grunted at me and asked what I was still doing up and started moaning because he couldn't find his vitamins.. I asked why he didn't message me back only for him to tell me that I "shouldn't be checking up on him while he was with his friends" this really upset me and I tried to explain I wasnt trying to check up on him I just wanted to make sure he was okay because of what he was saying the day before..
He started to speak to me in a really nasty way.. Telling me how I shouldn't have messaged him in the first place and how I shouldn't worry about him.. How he told me where he was and I shouldn't bother him.. This was all completely unfair.. He went out at 7pm and I only text him at 11:30 saying "You okay?xxx" so I felt hurt by the fact he was being so nasty about it...
When I told him that he didn't have to ignore me if he had just messaged me back the first time I wouldn't have messaged again or called... He continued to act like he couldn't care less that he had worried me and in fact told me to shut the **** up and go to sleep.. I asked him not to speak to me like that only for him to tell me to just leave him alone so he could go to sleep.. Some further hurtful things were said including how his friend would have ignored me if I messaged him and how itnwas "unimportant" for him to message me back...
I started to cry so I went downstairs and left him to sleep while I sobbed...
This morning he was hungover and started to be nasty again.. I tried to explain that I wasn't checking up on him and how I was simply trying to make sure he was okay because I care.. He told me how I shouldn't bother caring and how he's a lost cause because he's heads so messed up.. He kept going on about how he doesn't think I should care and how much easier it would be if I didn't care.. I said to him that it wasn't fair for him to say these things and how he's not a lost cause just unwell.. He went on to say how he's life is messed up and when I told him that he was happy before and this is only a snapshot again he got angry at me because I say that too much.. He kept saying how he doesn't know if I should care and when I asked him if he loves me and still wants to be with me I said I felt the same and that was all that mattered.. Only to be met again with a shrug of the shoulders..
I said to him (probably wrong of me to say) that it felt like he was trying to push me to end things and how I feel like that's what he wants me to do.. He didn't even say anything to this..
I literally feel so rubbish.. How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..? How can he see me crying and not even feel an ounce of sympathy or care towards me..?
I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.. Perhaps I am just holding on to something that is already gone...
Sweetheart he has no excuse for speaking to you like that or for treating your dog like that. Depression is not a carte blanche for treating others like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). Also if he didn't reply why is that OK for him to do to you, but not the other way round? You should NEVER be afraid of your partner. The fact you were lying awake worried if he was going to be angry speaks volumes to me. Are you sure you want to be with someone who treats you like this? Depression or not, your relationship worries me...
How can he be so hurtful and not even see a problem in it..? How can he say such nasty things to me and tell me he doesn't want me to care anymore..?
I just don't understand... Perhaps our relationship is a lost cause.
I am quoting just a tiny bit of your post
He is ill and not well and will not be thinking in the same way as he may of done before becoming unwell, you say you dont understand but if you read the posts previously by our other members and mods properly they are trying to tell you and help you to understand.
This is not about you,
Jaquaia
02-05-18, 10:37 AM
I don't think any of what he said was nasty, rude yes! But nasty? Yes, there is no excuse for being rude but when we feel so overwhelmed we need love and understanding, and even leaving alone! They sound more like the words of a man who is hurting and reached a breaking point.
You had no need to keep checking up on him in such a short space of time. I will guarantee that he got so drunk because it helped him pretend he was ok and have a normal night out with his friends and then you started texting him and calling him reminding him that he's ill. Yes, after he complained about you not replying to his messages, he should have replied to you, but if he was having a good night and then saw the messages, it's possible they brought his mood down. We don't want constantly reminding that we're ill. We want to be able to have days where we pretend everything is normal! We want days where we can just be us without feeling smothered by people checking that we're dealing with our illness ok that day! We are more than our mental illness. I bet his friends let him to forget
You ask how he can tell you he doesn't want you to care anymore and call that hurtful? Well I ask you how can that be one of your main focuses when he has told you that he feels numb and empty? I know Suzi will relate to this one from her experiences with Marc. Feeling numb is awful. You know you love people but you don't feel it. You feel nothing, it's not sadness, or irritation, or anger, but just nothing.
Have you ever thought he left you crying because it made him feel even worse then he already did? Have you thought that if you'd simply said that you'd got up to check why the dog was barking then everything could have been avoided? Why did you need to challenge him there and then about not replying to you? You knew he was drunk, you know he's been getting angry for no reason as he's been honest about you with it. What did it really achieve?
If you want things to work out then you need to let go of this preoccupation with how his illness is making you feel. He is ill, but he is trying. He proves that when he is honest with you about how he is struggling. the bit that i find hardest to deal with is you know that your thinking is skewed, you know it's irrational but you can't control it. Trust me when I say that he will feel awful about upsetting you but you really need to try and see that he is ill. I don't think you truly understand that. And all I can say to that is talk and listen. Talk to people who are ill, see how they cope. Talk to people who support those who are ill, see how they deal with it. But above all, hear what they're saying. You're listening but you're not hearing.
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 01:24 PM
That's sort of what I am thinking Suzi.. He has no reason to worry about me as far as I am concerned.. But with how he is right now k have every reason to worry about him...
When I said I was lying awake worried about him being angry I meant at other people... He's said tha t all he feels right now is misery, sadness and anger and he is worried that he will lash out at strangers who just look at him the wrong way.. I am not worried about him becoming angry with me.. I am very confident that he would never hurt me physically.. He's just not that way inclined.. Prior to his depression though he never treated me such a way.. He was always thoughtful and caring...
Angie.. You're probably right.. But how can I distinguish between what his depression is saying and what he actually feels.. I struggle massively reading people without looking at their actions because I understand words are cheap... But even his actions right now leave alot to be desired...
Jaquaia.. I do feel it was nasty for his to say I shouldn't have text him in the first place.. For him to shove our dog away with his foot.. For him to say I am unimportant.. I do think all of those things were nasty and completely uncalled for..
I am sorry but I do feel I had a need to check he was okay.. Given the fact that the day before he told me he was so angry and was worried about being sectioned because he was so angry.. Even going to the extent of punching a fence I feel I have every reason to be concerned about his welfare.. There's a big difference between if I messaged him saying "Where are you and what time you coming home" to actually messaging him saying "You okay" ...
I text him and left it for almost an hour until I noticed he had completely ignored my message.. That was when I text him again.. He even admitted this morning that he saw my message but didn't feel the need to answer.. In my opinion that's unfair.. Especially when I've left him for 5 hours to enjoy himself without so much of a word and only messaged to check all was well.. I called twice and text twice over a 90 minute period which I genuinely don't feel is excessive.. had he have replied the first time I would have gone off to bed and he could have carried on enjoying himself..
It's not one of my main focuses at all.. But as has been said previously I am allowed to have feelings too.. And i am allowed to feel hurt by things too because my feelings are equally important.. I came on here to talk to people about how I felt.. Rather than talk to him and make him feel worse.. But from what you're saying I must completely dismiss my feelings ALL of the time because he feels nothing and I must allow him to talk to me.. Act and do whatever he likes because he isn't well.. A simple message to stop the person that loves you from worrying is all I was asking for and I got greeted with anger and nasty hurtful comments and I am in the wrong....
I did tell him I went downstairs because the dog was barking and I got told how I knew it was him and what else could it have been.. He does feel something.. Anger and misery.. Hence the reason I wanted to ensure he was okay...
How can you say I don't understand he's ill.. I've done everything I can and am trying my best to be understanding and supportive.. I've been pushed away.. I've been ignored both physically and emotionally.. I've been walked away from and told that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore.. I've been positive and happy despite having an awful day at work or being I'll myself.. I've made sure he's eating properly even if it's meant I have to stay up when I am tired to make him lunch.. I've tried to cheer him up with small gestures to simply make him smile even for a short period of time.. I've done all of the housework after a days work because he's been tired and I've let him sleep.. I've taken on the entire financial outgoings on my own paycheck to not worry him about money and stress him out even more.. I've literally done so much to show I understand his I'll and put my needs aside every single day.. Yes there are times when it gets too much for me and I get upset.. Yes I don't understand what his head is saying most of the time.. Yes I do still feel upset and sad about some of the things that are happening but it's completely unfair for you to say that I don't understand he is ill when I am doing my best too...
You say to talk to people and thats exactly what I came on this forum to do.. Talk to people.. Perhaps they could rationalise things from his point of view as they have done in the past and help me understand why he might have acted the way he did and said what he said.. In the past thast has helped..
But never once have they made me feel like I am not being supportive or understanding by having my own feelings....
You are more than entitled to your own feelings and I see your point of view and those of the others. I know how horrific I felt whilst Marc was having his breakdown. I know how lonely, how I was scared to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing to make things worse. FFS I was out digging up the brambles in our small patch of garden and re-turfing it all almost single handely at 10 weeks after having my 3rd C Section because I was told that getting him out of the house in a garden might help....
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 04:42 PM
That's exactly how I feel Suzi.. Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do it's wrong somehow.. You're exactly right.. It is lonely and disheartening..
But I am trying my best.. I want to see him improve and if I can stop it believe me I wouldn't let my own feelings come into play.. It's just hard sometimes especially if I've had a bad day...
Talking to you guys knowing that you've been through similar helps.. Especially where sometimes if I tell my parents they get angry and tell me how unfair it is on me.. It just makes me feel worse....
Hunni maybe you are trying too hard? Maybe stepping back a little might help? If he doesn't want to talk to you about things then maybe you need to just go back to "how was your day?" rather than "how are you feeling?"?
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 06:22 PM
I've been trying that recently.. we've been having alot more days recently where he hasn't felt the need to mention it but so far this week he has said he's felt miserable since Sunday evening...
With him not being the most forthcoming person with feelings I haven't directly asked how he feels at all for a while.. Rather just let him bring it up if he feels he wants to.. I think the biggest struggle I have is knowing what to say when he does want to talk..
Like just now he said how he doesn't care about anything anymore and I tried to point out the things he does care about.. He shrugs in agreement but I don't know if that's the right thing to do...
Maybe you just need to listen and not try to correct him itms?
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 09:08 PM
Itms..? What does that mean..?
Hereforyou
02-05-18, 09:29 PM
Ahh yes.. Sorry.. Yes perhaps you're right.. I could certainly try that....
I think the doctor will have to change his medication again unfortunately so we will be back to the drawing board soon I think...
Why do you think the meds need changing?
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 09:07 AM
He seems to think it's gotten worse.. He self harmed a couple of weeks ago when he first started them and says how he still wakes up every morning feeling lost and like he's lost a bit of himself..
These last couple of days he says how he has felt really angry for no known reason and how's he's extremely agitated and irritable all the time..
When's he got an appointment?
Anger and irritability can be common, I’ve been struggling with that recently. And, sometimes, you can feel worse as you’re feeling better - as the numbness disappears the more volatile emotions can reappear itms.
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 10:25 AM
He's got an appointment next Friday.. That will be 1 month of being on the 40mg Citalopram instead of 20mg (which he was on for 1 month before changing it) ...
Ahh yes that makes perfect sense Paula.. He has always been very able to show anger as an emotion.. It has always been his go to..
I am not sure what the doctor will suggest then...
Maybe some anger management?
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 01:28 PM
The doctor referred him for some when he went last month.. Still waiting to hear back from the referral...
He could call to chase the appointment?
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 02:48 PM
Yeah I think he probably will have to.. Perhaps I will ask him.. But he's not got my "umph" to do stuff I.e. go a get his blood tests or do his medical sample which he was asked to do on the 13th April....
But that's all part of his illness love. You can't expect him to have an "umph" when he's struggling so much just to get up and face another day.....
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 03:45 PM
Well I am pleased it's part of the illness in a sense then.... You definitely make sense saying it like that.. I had worried he just couldn't be bothered so it's a relief to know he's not doing it on purpose...
I am slightly worried though as his friend messaged me (the friend he sent a picture of him cutting himself to) and just called him a div and a d*** and said he will speak to him.. It's his best friend so I am not sure if that would help :( ...
Wow. I’d be pretty (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed if my friend had that sort of conversation with my partner .....
Ouch! With friends like that who needs enemies...
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 06:03 PM
He's come home today in a really really fowl mood.. Like worse than usual :'( ... I've asked if I've upset him and what's wrong and he just says nothing....
I actually asked his friend not to say anything but I think he has anyway.. I even asked him to call me before he spoke to him so I could explain to him to be a little bit more sensitive but he didn't.. I told him he's not well and he's just said he's being an attention seeker... ...
Maybe you haven't upset him at all and he's just having a crappy day - I've had a few this week too....
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 08:01 PM
Perhaps you're right.. He did become a bit more talkative before he went gym and mentioned how he's feeling crappy and angry like everyday this week and how he's fed up of it...
It's good that he's able to go to the gym. That's a big positive - gives him something to focus on and exercise is great for releasing endorphins...
Hereforyou
03-05-18, 10:03 PM
Yes we've both been a lot more active.. He tries to go often.. And I go a minimum of 3 times a week.. Which is a great way for me to to relieve some frustrations if you know what I mean haha...
I just hope it's helping it...
Hereforyou
04-05-18, 07:51 AM
Last night he opened up a bit again.. He opens up at the strangest of times..
We were laying in bed and he said how he was dreading this sleep.. I asked why and he said because he knows he's not going to be able to sleep because he's stressed.. Again I asked why.. He said he was stressed because he has his supervisor assessment tomorrow and is worried about it and was already stressed before.. Again I asked why.. He said that he was stressed out about paintball because he doesn't want to go this weekend or to the tournament next weekend (their first tournament of the year) .. I said "Of course you do but your worrying yourself about it already.. You had a good time last time so perhaps just remember that" then he went on to tell me how he didn't have a good time and only spoke to a small number of people because he didn't feel comfortable.. So I told him to try not to worry about things too far in advance and to take day by day because he doesn't know how he will feel at that point... He said how he was fed up because he feels like he's dying inside and just wants to feel normal again.. I moved closer to him and hugged him because at this point I genuinely don't know what to say.. He spoke of how he feels fed up and feels like he's losing himself and doesn't feel like his normal self anymore.. I asked if there's anything I could do and he said he said "what can you do".. I said I'll try anything which might help like a cuddle (to which he said they don't help) and then leaving him alone every so often (to which he shrugged his shoulders) ..
I told him that I loved him and he said he knows.. I asked him why he didn't want to tell me and he said he does and said I love you too.. Perhaps stupidly.. I said "it's okay if you don't love me anymore" (a friend had unhelpfully told me perhaps he's being like this because he's not IN love with me anymore and naturally it had been playing on my mind so I wanted him to know it was okay if that was the case) .. He just replied with "I do" .. I kissed his shoulder and rolled over to go to sleep.. We both dozed off and he woke up shortly after having had a nightmare.. I offered to stroke his hair as it relaxes him and he asked me too so I did as we went off to sleep...
I am glad he felt he could tell me how he felt and that he was stressed.. I genuinely feel lost on what to say back that might be of some help...
Sometimes there isn't anything to say and you just have to listen...
Hereforyou
04-05-18, 12:45 PM
Yes perhaps you're right....
I Just hope he really does still love me...
At the moment he won't feel anything really....
Hereforyou
04-05-18, 01:33 PM
Is that why he says I know when i tell him I love him..? And why he just said I do when I said it's okay if he doesn't love me anymore..?
Yes, exactly that. Sweetie, we have been trying to tell you this ..... you can’t focus on every little thing he says and does, it’s not good for either of you
Hereforyou
04-05-18, 01:45 PM
I am just so scared.. I feel like I've lost him and I can't help blaming myself sometimes.. I just want to see him get through his depression and hopefully we can continue on our relationship as it was.. But I am just scared he doesn't want that anymore or will realise he doesn't want it when he's better...
And how is fretting over everything going to change that?
Hereforyou
04-05-18, 01:56 PM
That's my coping mechanism I guess.. Always expect the worst and then you'll never be disssappinted...
But maybe expecting the worst is only making things worse?
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 12:28 AM
I am so annoyed right now..
My partner came to me whilst I was at the gym in a bit of a nervous and panicky state.. He told me how one of his work colleagues and friends had a huge argument with his wife and is in a state.. Talking about ending his life and so on..
My partner wanted to go to him to comfort him and try to call him down.. Fair enough.. I asked him to just keep me updated with what's going on and said if he wanted go bring him home to stay the night round ours that's fine.. He said he would to both..
He last updated me at 8pm saying that he's friend is in bits and won't stop crying and saying that he was waiting for his friends dad to come which shouldn't be more than an hour.. At 930 he text me asking me to make up our sofa bed and how he was levelling out and how I should do the bed now.. Fast forward to 12:26 (now) and his phone is off.. He hasn't replied to me for hours.. He told me he would be in a certain area but is in a completely different area.. He still hasn't come home.. I have no idea what's going on or where he is.. If he's coming home or what the hell has gone on..
I really feel taken advantage of now :( .. He could easily use his friends phone if his battery died just to let me know all is okay :( ...
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 02:36 AM
When he finally came home he was covered in mud and cuts.. Said he was beaten up on his way home.. Turns out he had lied to me and actually went out for a drink with his work friends but didn't want to tell me because he "knew" I would moan about him drinking again..
The last time I said anything about him drinking was when he wanted to go out 3 weekends in a row.. So I kindly said that he should be careful as he doesn't want to get into a habit.. But literally that was all..
I am so angry with him right now.. He's down on the sofa as I literally can't believe he was so horrible and just fabricated this awful story...
Sorry lovely, do you mean that he fabricated about his friend needing support?
I think it's totally understandable that you would be so worried last night.
How much did you say to him previously about not drinking?
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 12:11 PM
Yeah.. His friend didn't need his support at all and the whole story was a lie.. He wasn't even with that friend...
All I said was that he didn't want to make drinking and getting drunk an every weekend occurance.. He went out with his friend a few weeks back and got drunk.. Then the following weekend we went out together on a couple night with another one of his friends and he got drunk then too.. Then the following weekend he wanted to go out drinking with another friend so at that point I just mentioned that he doesn't want to drink too much too often because it will make him worse... Then the day he cut himself he was drinking before that and I said to him he shouldn't have drunk because it probably made him feel worse....
So I've only mentioned it twice in 2 months....
When he eventually told me where he really was he said he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want me to get (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off and start moaning at him and he started to get upset...
I am really really angry with him though....
I would feel angry too. Maybe he didn't tell you because he didn't want to disappoint you or that he couldn't face telling you that he wanted to go out drinking? It's no excuse to make you worry like that though...
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 02:13 PM
He says it's because he didn't want me to go on at him about drinking again..
I literally feel like telling him to sort himself out on his own because it's not fair he keeps making me feel like everything I do is wrong..
He wants me to trust him then comes up with this monumental story just to have a drink.. Came out with more rubbish about how I should just give up because that's apparently what I want to do.. Was back to being spiteful and vindictive..
Even this morning when he left for work he lingered by the door and asked me if I wanted a kiss and a cuddle goodbye.. I said to him does he even want to give me one and he said that he isn't the one that's (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off ... I said because I am not the one that's lying and he just came out with "maybe you shouldn't moan about me having a drink" .. I said it was once and he just said that's enough.. He gave me a hug and tried to kiss me but I just gave him my cheek..
I feel so angry and disappointed with him...
I am in no way excusing his behaviour, but could it have felt to him that you were having a go the other times?
Ok, I don’t want to get involved in a ‘should people with depression drink or not’ and I certainly don’t want to give you ammunition against your partner as it’s every person’s choice to make. However, there’s a lot of literature in public view, including this, which explains the physiological response to alcohol. https://www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-and-mental-health/
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 07:08 PM
Of course it did Suzi.. Because he's not looking at anything in a positive way.. Everything has a negative cause.. My mentioning him drinking that 1 time was because I am being mean.. Me being upset and offish one time was because of him rather than being ill or in pain.. Everything I do has a negative spin on it...
Thanks Paula.. Unfortunately my mum has a problem with drink so I know all too well the effects it has..
I am just so upset with the huge need to lie about everything...
Alcohol is a depressant. Each time he gets drunk he pretty much wipes out the anti d he's taken and sets himself back again.
To be fair if you've had dealings with a parent with alcohol dependency then you'll always be more aware and sensitive around it. However, it doesn't sound as if you laid into him or lectured him about it...
To be honest I think the lying would get to me so much.... Does he understand why you are upset?
Hereforyou
05-05-18, 09:59 PM
He's using it as a coping mechanism.. He says that it makes him feel like he can be normal again and actually be able to have a good time...
I genuinely don't think I did and I told him that today.. I said it's unfair that he made out that I went on about it so much because that's not the case at all.. And if he just explained to me that he wanted to go out I would have told him to have fun and enjoy himself....
Yeah he does now.. And he agrees that if I did the same he would react in the same way.. He said he did it because he didn't want me to moan at him.. I told him that he's being completely irrational and how this isn't him.. He's never been like this so why's he being like it now...
The depression is really getting to him though.. He talked about taking the easy way out again....
If he's having suicidal thoughts then he needs to talk to someone asap - crisis team/samaritans/A+E/GP.....
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 12:58 AM
I keep telling him and he just wants to speak to the doctor.. He's so angry and fed up...
Then maybe he needs to get an earlier, more urgent appointment?
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 11:10 AM
I think he will try to.. Yesterday was absolutely horrible.. He keeps going on about how he misses how happy he used to be back in December and how fed up he is of his life.. I tried to ask what he's unhappy with and he says how he's feeling and his depression...
He told me that he doesn't want me to come next weekend (to his first paintball tournament of the year) because he wants to be on his own and have time to think..I am not sure what to think about that
.
I asked why he can't think with me there and he said he just wants to be on his own.. I then offered to stay at my parents for a few days so he could do that and he said he didn't want me to do that because that was my home... He says he wants time to think about if he wants to carry on paintballing because he feels his anxiety is going to make it awful and going to mean he can't actually play.. I asked him if he's also going to think about us and he said no.. I told him that I am scared and insecure that he will just turn around and say it's me and my fault and then tell me how he doesn't want to be with me anymore.. He said it's not me...
But I am really unsure how to take it to be honest.... He loves paintball and has been doing it for over a decade.... I don't really know what's going on anymore...
He's been getting so irate and angry these last couple of days.. Flying off the handle at even the slightest of things.. And last night he was just the same....
I’m going to try to explain in terms of how that would make me feel but it may sting a bit. He may need to just figure out if he can cope with paintballing, the social interaction and his anxiety. He may want to make that decision without you as it’s not anything to do with you. I’ve had to cope with those sorts of decisions all my life - and it’s often a decision I need to make without input from anyone else. Often, having others try to ‘help me’ with those decisions is difficult as I worry they believe I’m unable to make any decision due to my MH.
And while all this is going on, you’re trying to bring his attention back to you, despite him telling you it’s not you.
Can you not see how difficult this would be for him?
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 04:58 PM
Thanks Paula.. Doesn't sting at all :) ..
I see where you are coming from.. And think perhaps you're right.. I really do need to learn to stop letting what's happening now affect my feelings and just allow it to register as his illness and nothing else..
It's so hard to not take things personally.. But I know I really need to try hard to do it.. Sometimes I wish there was a switch in myself where I can turn it off and stop all of my own negativity and insecurities from surfacing right now...
I genuinely believe this is the hardest thing he's ever had to deal with in his life.. And I know at times I am not making things easier.. Sometimes I am an idiot though and I do get things wrong.. And sometimes I can't control the demons in my head from making it about me or making it my fault..
Talking to you guys really really helps me to understand.. Thank you all so much...
It's blimin hard to work it out whilst you're living with someone who can't explain how things are for them.... You might just have to put on a coat of armour and a "it's not him, it's depression" to get through this - whilst not taking anything personally because right now it more than likely isn't....
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 06:17 PM
You're 100% right.. In absolutely both senses.. Yes it's bloomin hard and even after my degree.. My career.. My own depression.. Bullying and seeing the breakdown of my parents marriage at a young age (although they're still together today) this is the hardest thing I've had to deal with too...
And you're definitely right that I have to put on an unbreakable armour to not make this about me at any point....
In the most heartfelt and desperate way I really hope it isn't personal....
Doesn't sound it to me so far...
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 07:04 PM
Sorry I am lost haha.. What doesn't sound what so far..??
It doesn't sound personal... sorry ;)
Hereforyou
06-05-18, 11:27 PM
Oh.. That's okay haha...
Sometimes I don't think so either... Just trying to take day by day and not over analyse what's going on.. Like even today he's come home from paintball and he's really quiet.. So I am trying my best to convince myself it's probably because he's tired and sore from hurting his shoulder and nothing more..
Also trying to look at the positives.. Like today when he came home he came to give me a cuddle and doesn't seem angry.. So that's good..
Trying very hard...
Maybe you're trying too hard to be perfect? Maybe if you relaxed a bit and tried to be as normal as you normally are (lol - in this house totally odd and weird and not normal in the slightest) then he might find it easier to relax?
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 12:35 AM
Haha in my house normal isn't "normal" either lol....
I think I am being the "normal" me.. I am a very caring person normally so when I see he's in pain I tend to try and help.. I am just doing that as normal I guess... I am not really trying to be or act differently..
The thing I am trying harder to do is not over analyse and not be negative or take it personal.. That's definitely the thing I am trying to do consciously in my head..
I know it's not easy, but it is necessary to not over analyse everything...
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 10:38 AM
You're definitely right...
I was thinking of calling his doctor tomorrow confidentially and explaining my concerns.. Particularly with how he has been this last week and the fact that we've heard nothing from the anger management or therapy referrals in over a month...
Of course I know the doctor can't tell me what they're talking about but I wanted to speak to him about my concerns and fears...
I've asked my partner about me going to the doctors with him but he doesn't want me to sadly...
Don't do it behind his back. Maybe just say to him that you'd like to let the dr know how things are from your point of view as it might help to get him help quicker?
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 10:53 AM
I guess I could ask but I don't think he will want me to sadly...
But if you go behind his back then it'll be definite proof to him that he can't trust you and that you are out to get him...
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 11:48 AM
I see what you mean.. That's definitely not my intention though :( ..
I know, but it's actually how things would be seen...
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 12:13 PM
I just feel really confused and upset.. Especially about his plans for next weekend.. He has always said to me throughout our relationship that he wanted me to come and support him at paintball.. And now all of a sudden he's saying that he doesn't want me to go because he wants to stay in a room by himself and think.. Because he wants space...
I asked him why he wants space again and if I should just go and stay at my parents so he can have space and he just moaned at me for making this about me.. I honestly feel like he's doing what he did to me all over again 2 months ago where he left to his mum's saying he needed space and time and then came back.. I just don't understand why he needs space and time again away from me :( :( ...
Then do something to make you happy next weekend - go and see a movie with a friend? Sit and watch all those movies he hates? Get a take away totally for you.... It doesn't have to be so negative.
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 06:37 PM
It's just the principal I guess... The fact that all of a sudden he doesn't want me there and wants space again :( ..
Today he seems like he's in a "decent" mood.. He's able to laugh and joke again today.. A welcome change considering these last few days he's been very irritable and angry...
He was talking about paintball again this morning and I asked again if he's sure he doesn't want me to go and he said he doesn't know..
I literally have no idea what's going on with him...
Hereforyou
07-05-18, 06:57 PM
I forgot to add.. Now he's not even staying in a room by himself and is staying with someone else instead..
The more you are asking him, the more pressure you are putting on him. Really love, he's said he wants to go alone so let him go alone.
Suzi’s right, no couple has to be joined at the hip. My own personal opinion is that couples do better if they take time out for themselves sometimes. Maybe this is just one of those times
Hereforyou
08-05-18, 07:23 AM
I know.. You're both right.. I think it just upsets me that for some many years I purposely didn't go because I wanted to give him time and space without me and he always used to get upset about that.. And now I am going he doesn't actually want me to.. It really seems as though he doesn't even know if he truly doesn't want me to go...
Yesterday was probably the best day I've seem him for a while.. He had a bit of a hiccup he said when he started to think and stress about next weekend as it's their first tournament of the year.. But aside from that he said he didn't feel angry at all in the day.. Just stressed out about paintball..
I told him his proud I was of him and how well I think he's coping and functioning when he said he's feeling bad.. And I told him how much he means to me when he said I shouldn't care about him..
But honestly a huge proportion of the day he seemed to "allow" his old self to come to the surface much better... Especially considering for the past week he had felt so angry all the time...
He's going to get his blood tests and samples done today thank goodness.. I am super pleased he's finally doing them a month later...
Maybe you praising him for acting "more him" actually just piles heaps more pressure on him to be like that all the time, and not allowing him to be able to say how he's genuinely feeling?
Hereforyou
08-05-18, 09:09 AM
He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him...
What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..
He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....
He tells me how's he's feeling.. When he's stressed ans feeling crappy.. I just remind him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause because there are still elements of him coming through and he still cares enough to try for those around him... But surely those around him should accept him as his is and not want to change him. Obviously you don't want him to be poorly, but to imply that if he isn't putting on a mask of "happy" then he isn't trying and isn't caring about those around him is really awful. That's akin to "Pull yourself together"
What I don't want to happen is for him to not see the positives in his day I.e. being able to laugh yesterday whereas he was completely unable to do so for a week prior to that..
He's always been an extremely negative person and I don't want him to not see the positives in how he's being..... If that makes sense....
I get that you want him to see the positives, but you pointing them out isn't necessarily helpful and pushing him to be positive could make the depressive thoughts so much worse.... If he genuinely can't see anything positive, you pushing him to do so will only reinforce that he's not able to "even see that" or that you saying that he should be positive about things means that he can't tell you how bad he is feeling....
Hereforyou
08-05-18, 09:56 AM
We do.. We've spent the last week with him being angry and irritable without so much as a reaction as we are doing our best to accept things..
I am not implying he's not trying at all.. I am simply trying to reinforce to him that he's not completely lost or a lost cause.. I am trying my best to make him feel better.. I've never ever said to him to pull himself together.. I simply meant in the sense that for a whole week he couldn't feel anything aside from anger and that meant he couldn't laugh or smile whereas yesterday he didn't feel anger so felt like he could.laugh or smile so surely it's progress..
To be honest then I am even more lost on what I should or shouldn't say.. He opens up to me and tells me he's feelikng crappy and he's a lost cause so naturally I try to make him feel better by pointing out that he isn't..
I guess I am just not good at any of this and probably am just making him worse from the sounds of things...
There doesn't seem to be any right way to do this.. Only multiple wrong ways...
That's just it, there are no "right" ways of doing it at all. I'm only trying to help, I didn't mean to upset or offend. I went through around 18 years of depression/anxiety/paranoia/social phobia/panic attacks with Marc and it's only now that there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I have tried everything to "make him feel better" but honestly? Looking back I think what helped the most was me just carrying on as me... Doing things like make him a drink when I had one and food when I had it - because he didn't know if he was hungry or thirsty. I've been angry, I've shouted, I've cried, I've begged and pleaded and prayed as hard as possible.... None of it really made that much difference. He needed the right medication and the right therapy... Now we have many more good days and I'm getting "my Marc" back again, but hunni there really isn't a one size fits all strategy. Every person with depression responds to different things - some may find the right meds for them on the first one. Marc had 4 others before Fluoxetine that helped him after his first (and biggest) breakdown, but it took a while to get the dosage right. But then that left him completely numb to everything and everyone. He then went back onto fluoxetine for his most recent crash and it did nothing. So then he has changed meds which has helped loads, and he's not numb - just seriously fatigued. But as he says, that's much more preferable to how he was feeling.
I know I'm waffling, but you have to stop trying to analyse everything that he says/does and everything you do or say... Sweetheart, just relax and be you.
Hereforyou
08-05-18, 11:16 AM
I wish there was a right way :( .. oh no you didn't offend me.. sorry if it seemed that way.. That's just me feeling a bit useless and self pitying..
That's the thing I am normally like that.. If I see someone sad or upset my first reaction is to hug them and say/do things to make them feel better.. I know when I am feeling low (which of course is no comparison to how he's feeling) people reassuring me that I am not useless and rubbish tends to make me feel better .. With my partner he's always been ridiculously self critical (probably the problem with us both) so whenever he's felt like that I've always tried to reassure him that how's he's feeling isn't warranted..
With my depression it was just knowing that someone's there that loves me and genuinely wants to be there for me that made the biggest difference.. I guess that's just what I am trying to help him see that's all.. Especially with him constantly saying I shouldn't love him and care because he's messed up and a lost cause....
When I’m in crisis, people around me telling me to look at the positives makes me furious. It is never about being miserable or grumpy, its about desperately trying to hold back your mind and body from sliding into a pit. When you’re doing everything you can to stay out of that pit, for someone to come along and ask you to see the silver lining feels insulting, hurtful and insensitive, and just makes things worse.
Hereforyou
08-05-18, 03:50 PM
I am not trying to be..
Please if you have more helpful things to do or say please let me know.. As Suzi says I am just trying to remain who I am and who I have always been... And not trying too hard or treating him differently...
Let him go to paintball on his own. Don't even ask about you going again this week. Let him ask you, if he changes his mind. It might be what he needs - and it might be exactly what you need. Some respite from feeling like you have to be treading on eggshells all the time.
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 07:13 AM
I am going to... I don't think he will change his mind but either way I am not going to mention it until Saturday when I wish him luck and to have a good time..
Thankfully yesterday there didn't feel a need to walk on egg shells again.. He seemed annoyed when he came in from work but quickly seemed to forget about that when he came home and allowed himself to joke around... He did seem to get stressed and angry when he got some bad news about paintball but managed to move past that and go back to joking around after a little bit of time and after talking about what had annoyed him..
I accidently upset him though when I was on my laptop and I had to download some photos (I had 6 days to do it and he was on his phone so he wasn't paying attention) from our holiday in December.. When he saw them it made him really sad and he cried because he remembers that being the last time he genuinely truly felt happy.. I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...
I am keeping optimistic that this is a sign that the tablets have settled in his system after making him volatile like you said and that hopefully they may start to allow him to feel some improvements..
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 07:23 AM
I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...
I felt awful and apologised for not being sensitive enough in the first place...
You were downloading photos - you didn't do it to make him feel bad...
I forgot to mention.. He forgot his antidepressant in the morning yesterday.. He just noticed this morning and said that's no wonder he felt like crap yesterday.. He's doing well at masking the fact that he might be feeling like crap though if that's the case...
That will make him feel bad...
That will make him feel bad...
And may make the next few days a little tough too
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 09:10 AM
No I didn't.. He acknowledged I didn't do it on purpose when I said sorry and gave him a hug....
Yeah he said.. I am not sure what he meant by "feeling crappy" though as he genuinely didn't seem to "act" it.. Especially in comparison to how he acted and felt last week...
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 09:36 AM
Oh will it.. That's a shame... Should i expect him to be particularly low for the next few days then...?
Not necessarily low.. but it affects each person differently and the medications - eg my husband is currently on Venlafexine. He missed a tablet on Sunday morning by accident and he's been pretty much exhausted and every time he sits down he fell asleep. It's fine, and he's back on track, but it does have repercussions- did you ever miss a dose of medication when you were depressed?
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 12:24 PM
Ahh I see what you mean..
If I am honest I don't remember too much.. I don't think I did because I don't "specifically" remember it but a large proportion of that time feels like a trance as it is...
What meds were you on? Did you have therapy?
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 02:52 PM
I was under 18 so I could only use Fluxotine and yeah I did.. I was in therapy for almost a year...
That's really fortunate - mostly it's 6 sessions now...
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 05:24 PM
6 sessions :0 .. Is that it..? Oh my it has changed.. What happens if you need more..?
Sometimes you can get extra sessions, but not always and sometimes you need re referrals... It's different with each CMHT too - My husband had 6 sessions with one, weekly visits for 3 months from a CPN at home with another and with the other he had about a years worth of weekly psychotherapy...
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 06:16 PM
Oh my.. Your poor husband.. That sounds awful for him.. Surely that hindered his recovery even more...?
Hey, I've been his main support and carer for all the time I've known him.... I love him to the ends of the earth and I'd gladly do it, but yes certain systems have seriously f***** things up along the way...
Hereforyou
09-05-18, 11:27 PM
There's a special seat saved for people like you Suzi :) ... I wish there was more support for mental health...
Sadly the whole coronation street episode triggered a downward spiral of low feelings and sadness... Including a panic attack too :( ...
magie06
10-05-18, 07:55 AM
I found Corrie very hard to deal with too. It triggered a lot of feelings around what I went through since Christmas. But that's what they invented the off button for, and although I usually love Corrie, I switched off last night.
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 09:48 AM
That's a similar sort of time to when my partner started to suffer...
I completely understood how it would make him feel.. It even made me cry.. My nanna was watching it whilst we were both out and we came in to it and within 5 minutes I started to get emotional and turned it off..
I noticed his mood had changed after I turned it off and I asked and he kept saying everything was fine.. That was until he had a panic attack and he couldn't deny things weren't fine...
I wish there was more support for mental health....
Don’t we all, hunni
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 11:22 AM
It was really sad to see his reaction last night.. He's so worried about not being able to cope this weekend.. He cried so much and it genuinely was so heartbreaking to see.. I asked if he would like to go out and see how he copes before he goes and he just broke down saying how he's fed up going places he doesn't want to (meaning work, the tube etc) .. I wish so much that there was something I could do.. I watched the strongest man I know break down like a little boy and it hurt so much.. He said he doesn't know what to do anymore and what's frustrasting is all I can say is to go back to the doctors and it's equally as frustrating for him to hear me say that..
I took some stuff off of his plate by saying I would handle them for him instead but there's things I can't do to help and it's so frustrating...
Is he coping at being at work?
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 03:00 PM
Yes and no.. He is busy at work so it helps to take his mind off of things but no because he hates going and sometimes has problems and arguments at work....
What about being signed off for a week or so? Has that idea been suggested to him? When's his Dr's appointment?
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 05:59 PM
Trouble is he's self employed so no work no pay and that'll just make him worse I think.. I've suggested it to him and said we will manage financially but I think he feels bad because I've taken the slack financially alot through the course of our relationship and I think that bothers him...
The appointment is tomorrow.. I so badly wish that he would let me go with him.. Just to know what's being done to help him.. They got another referral letter through on the 19th April and just didn't do anything with it so now it's lapsed almost a month he has to be referred again.. I am so angry at how negligent they're being about it..
If he doesn't want you to go then you have to respect his wishes, no matter how hard it is for you lovely.... We're here to talk to though...
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 09:07 PM
And you guys are being incredibly helpful and reassuring..
You're right.. I should respect his wishes and I do.. I just feel a little bit pushed away though.. Like he doesn't want to spend too much time with me...
That's not the case at all, I'm sure of that.
magie06
10-05-18, 09:25 PM
The thing with depression is that we sometimes push the people who mean the most to us away. It seems personal but it's a coping mechanism. And to have someone seeming to want to know how we are feeling at every moment of every day, makes us want to shut down altogether. Remember it's not personal it's the depression.
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 09:34 PM
I know you're right Magie.. I wish there was an off switch to stop me taking it personally..
Suzi.. I hope you're right and it's not.. Sometimes my demons don't seem to let things go..
Hang on in there lovely.
What are you going to do to pamper and treat yourself this weekend whilst he's away?
Hereforyou
10-05-18, 10:26 PM
My mum has my nephews and my niece so I plan to wake up late both days.. Go to the gym and have a training session and then spend the days with my beautiful babies...
I am going to have dinner with my best friend round her place on Sunday which will be nice...I have no intention of messaging or calling my partner any time aside to wish him luck on Sunday...
I'm seriously pleased that you're planning on doing things that make you happy!
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 07:37 AM
Thank you.. I am pleased to actually be able to get away from him...
I am really upset this morning.. Perhaps stupidly but I asked him about going to the doctors with him again today.. I told him I only wanted to go so that I could talk to the doctors myself and find out what's happening and what I can and can't do to help...
Of course that went down like a lead balloon and he started to get angry.. I asked if there was something he wasn't telling me because I couldn't understand why he didn't want me to go as he never stopped me before.. As per usual he started to get nasty and speak to me like rubbish which created a vicious circle of me getting upset and him getting more angry..
I tried to apologise for going on and give him a hug before he left for work and he just walked off..
In the end he called me useless because apparently I make him late for work everyday (by not physically waking him up out of bed only calling up the stairs for him to get up) and pathetic for crying when he said then.. I told him I was trying my best through tears and just got told to grow up..
Today.. I feel like crawling into a ball and crying alone in my bed...
Sweetie, he’s made it very clear several times that he didn’t want you to go with him - you have to treat him with respect, and respect his wishes.
He shouldn't have been nasty to you, but I agree with Paula. He doesn't want you to go with him and you have to stop pushing those decisions....
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 08:55 AM
But I don't understand why.. He's never had a problem before and now he does.. Even friends have said we are supposed to be a partnership so why is he locking me out of something to important..
He doesn't seem to respect my decisions or feelings so why should I.. I am fed up of doing so much for him and getting the smallest of things thrown back in my face...
He doesn't seem to respect my decisions or feelings so why should I....
Because you love him, because he’s ill, because sometimes we have to take the crap as well as the good times.
We have explained so many times why he might not want you to go to the doctors with him and, ultimately, he has the right to talk to his doctor in confidence. He may want to talk about things he doesn’t want you to hear and may feel stifled in front of you - for instance I knew my husband knew I was suicidal but I couldn’t bear to talk about that with my doctor in front of my husband.
Does your partner go to all your doctor’s appointment with you?
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 09:24 AM
I know you're right Paula.. I do love him.. But it's just so hard when he keeps treating me like he barely wants me around anymore.. I genuinely feel like he would much prefer it if I just walked away.. He doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do and seems to act like I am no more helpful than he's "mates" at work....
To be honest yeah he did.. And I went to his before too.. The only times we didn't was when the other was working.. I just don't know how much longer I can deal with him making me feel like crap for just trying to do something nice...
If you walk away you will only be proving the illness right - that he is useless, unlovable and only deserves to be alone....
He's not going tp show appreciation right now when he's struggling so much....
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 10:26 AM
But he keeps making me feel like that's exactly what he wants.. To be alone.. He even said that's why he doesn't want me to come this weekend so that he can be alone.. Perhaps I should just let him be alone permanently..
I just don't want everything thrown back in my face every time I do something to annoy or upset him...
magie06
11-05-18, 12:37 PM
In my opinion I think he's being a bully. However bad you feel with depression it doesn't excuse bad behaviour.
In this case I think I'd let him go on his weekend and see how things are when he gets back on Sunday evening.
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 12:56 PM
I am just going to do that Magie.. He never seems to see any problem in how he speaks or what he does lately.. It's all just my fault...
I think I will just leave him to sulk now.. I am not going to try anymore than I already have..
And as bad as it feels for me to say this I couldn't care less if me being off with him makes him feel worse..
magie06
11-05-18, 02:17 PM
Try to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Meet up with friends for coffee and a good old natter. Go to the cinema, see a girly movie that your bf wouldn't go to with you. See your parents. Have a big Sunday lunch with all the trimmings. But please don't sit and wonder what he's doing or thinking all weekend. Live in the moment each day, and even pretend that you are a young free and single for these 2 days.
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 02:43 PM
I am going to...
Although not sure I should act like I am single....
magie06
11-05-18, 03:26 PM
It's always good to act young free and single.
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 03:47 PM
Haha the young and free bit yes but acting single in a relationship I am not sure I agree with..
If that's the case I might as well be single...
I am just going to do that Magie.. He never seems to see any problem in how he speaks or what he does lately.. It's all just my fault...
I think I will just leave him to sulk now.. I am not going to try anymore than I already have..
And as bad as it feels for me to say this I couldn't care less if me being off with him makes him feel worse..
I'm not sure that he's "sulking" at all!
If you genuinely don't care if you're making him better or worse, then you need to seriously think about things this weekend...
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 04:39 PM
I guess I am just angry at the moment.. Of course I do care.. I care about him massively..
But I hate the way he's been making me feel about myself.. And I hate that he gets a "get out of jail free card" because he doesn't see the problem in what's he's done..
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 07:27 PM
He's now missed his doctors appointment and has no more antidepressants left.. All because we had an argument this morning..
Now he's not come home after work again and his phone is off.. He hasn't communicated with me saying he was gonna be late or anything ...
This is exactly why I feel like making him leave...
You’re angry so you’re more likely to do or say something you’ll regret. Just put everything aside - your feelings, worries for the future etc - and don’t make any decisions until you’re calm and rational. Believe me, that’s the only way you’re going to be able to do the right thing for both of you
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 08:58 PM
But how can I carry on like this.. I am sat here crying my eyes out after only a week after him doing this to me again...
Why did he miss his appointment?
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 10:46 PM
Because he's gone out drinking....
Hereforyou
11-05-18, 11:35 PM
Or so I assume he is.. He hasn't contacted me at all today and his phone is off so I have no clue what or where he is again....
Sweetheart I don't know what to say.
So he's out of anti d's and has gone away?
What was the argument about?
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 02:58 PM
I am absolutely in bits.. He acts like he doesn't love me and doesn't care.. He rolled in this morning at 230am saying he went to the pub.. Left at 8pm and has been sat on the trains going back and forth because he fell asleep for 6 hours.. He lost his brand new £900 phone though he claims to "think" he knows where it is which leads me to believe his whole story is made up again..
He went away this morning as I basically made sure he got up and left.. He said he forgot about the doctors but remembered that he was (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)ed off with me because of the argument this morning (which was because I asked to go to the doctors) .. He phoned them and asked them for an emergency prescription for 7 days but I had to pick them up for him so he hasn't got any for tomorrow so is going to skip tomorrow...
I am at my wits end with him.. Every one including his own friends and mother is telling me to kick him out...
Why did you ask him again about going to the drs yesterday? He'd made it really clear he didn't want you to go......
He's not right, but you keep pressuring him is going to cause him to kick off.
Wait and see if his phone "turns up"
Make sure you have a lovely evening tonight....
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 07:36 PM
I went through why I asked again beforehand.. But I also apologised after it happened and he carried it on...
I don't think I want to sit around and wait anymore.. Every time he does something our of order or mean to me he just seems to get away with it because he's depressed.. Meanwhile I am sat here gutted and extremely low myself and he's off paintballing having a whale of a time not even with a care in the world or thought for me..
I am trying my best to be supportive but I get the smallest of things thrown in my face and no thanks whatsoever for even the smallest of gestures...
I can understand why you are feeling like that....
I've already said that actually depression isn't an excuse for treating you badly - ever.
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 09:01 PM
So I think when he comes home tomorrow I will tell him to go back to his mum's.. He hasn't bothered to text or call me today knowing I am upset and angry at him...
And to top it off.. He told me he didn't want me to go paintball with him so he could have space and time to sit in a room on his own and think but I've just been told he's currently sat in the bar with the entire paintball team laughing and enjoying himself..
As much as I want him to enjoy himself I get the feeling now that it was never about needing time to think about work and paintball it was just an excuse to get away from me...
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 09:18 PM
My partner told me he wanted space and time to think about what's wrong with him and what's going on in his head...
And my dad (who's there as the camera man and driver) is with them now and told me my partner is in the bar (not drinking) having a laugh surrounded by the team...
So he isn't drinking? Could he be just trying to fit in?
Did you have a good day with your nephews?
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 09:58 PM
Not that my dad can tell no.. Possibly but my dad is very cross with him and thinks he's acting really carefree..
I had an okay day...Unfortunately I was really down about him so it hindered my day...
Hereforyou
12-05-18, 11:03 PM
I did.. But since he lied to me I don't trust his stories..
Can you try to have a good day tomorrow and leave major decisions till after then?
Hereforyou
13-05-18, 12:39 AM
I've just found out that he was actually at the pub with a girl I specifically asked him if something was going on with because he was seeing her every day and he purposely "set me up" to find him looking at her... He left his phone with her after the pub closed at 11pm and he got in at 230am or in the pub whilst he is with her....
Starting to think this depression he apparently had is because of a guilty conscious or doesn't even exist anyway..
Sorry, am a little lost - are you saying that he is there at the paintballing event with that girl?
Hereforyou
13-05-18, 10:19 AM
No he's at paintball but when he didn't come home from work on Friday and came in at 230 am he was with that girl..
Hereforyou
13-05-18, 12:45 PM
I've seen it on Facebook
Surely if he was cheating, he wouldn’t be naive enough to allow evidence to get onto Facebook?
Hereforyou
13-05-18, 01:09 PM
There isn't evidence of the two of them together.. Just evidence that they were in the same place at the same time..
My mum decided to message the girl and the girl said he told her he wasn't happy with me and didn't think he loved me anymore.. Saying how he is depressed and so on.. But is sometimes flirty saying she's pretty and so on.. Apparently nothing has gone on..
Can I be blunt? I may upset/offend, but I don't mean to...
Do you not think that this should be something the two of you work out? It's just you seem to have lots of involvement from your parents, his mate, this girl, facebook etc. Everyone has their own agenda, and actually part of dealing with this is standing up and actually dealing with it - just the two of you.
He doesn't want you to go away with him, he doesn't want you to go to the drs...
This is all very well and you have to respect those wishes, but he's lied to you, he's made up that a friend was having suicidal thoughts when he wasn't and he was in the same place at the same time as a girl..... Your Mum has contacted the girl - you know as well as I do that she's now been in contact with him telling him that you don't trust him. Whilst he's away your Dad is effectively spying on him and reporting back to you too.... None of this paints you as anything but paranoid...
The thing is a lot of this isn't depression. You don't deliberately do things to upset and hurt the person you claim to love. You don't say to them that you have lost your phone when actually you've just been out getting pi$$ed... You don't lie about someone having suicidal thoughts just so you can go out on the pi$$.
But then you shouldn't have been checking his phone, you shouldn't have kept on about going with him or going to the drs with him...
This just doesn't seem healthy on either side right now. Do you see what I mean?
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 02:26 PM
So things are a bit uneasy at the moment... After all of the revelations this weekend I am not too sure what's happening now...
So to recap.. My partner went out last week Friday (May 4th) when he made up that monumental lie about his friend so that he could go out drinking as so that I wouldn't moan at him for drinking.. We argued about it and I told him that he crossed a line lying and crossed and even bigger line by not contacting me so I wouldn't worry.. I thought that was it..
Then on Friday (11th May) we had an argument in the morning because I went on and on about going to the doctors with him (yes I know he had mentioned it before but I wanted to try to make him see it wasn't about holding his hand more about me asking questions myself) .. Despite trying to apologise and move on he turned nasty (as he normally does when he feels pushed too far) .. He then didn't go to the doctors appointment after work and didn't come home until 230am .. With no message or call to let me know he was going straight out or that he was okay.. When he finally did come home he had lost his phone somewhere (doesn't know where) and said he had fallen asleep on the train countless times so that's why he was so late.. I told him he needed to think about our relationship and what he was doing to it and me by being so unfair and letting me worry like mad only a week after asking him not to do that..
I woke him up early in the morning to go to paintball and told him he needs to think long and hard about what he's doing...
Whilst at paintball my dad saw that he seemed okay.. Didn't seem like he was anxious or down.. Was capable of having a laugh/joke etc... The entire day my dad also noticed that he had used several different people's phones to try to call the bar where he thought he had left his phone.. This upset my dad as he felt like he should have been more concerned with me being upset and should have tried to contact me..
Saturday evening my dad called me and told me about my partner calling the bar several times and seeming like he was talking to someone (again my dad was upset about this) .. I then put 2 and 2 together and realised that the bar my partner was in was the same bar as the girl he had made me feel so insecure about was also in.. I saw red at this stage.. I completely felt like he was up to something with her and felt like there was more to their communication then her just serving him food in the cafe..
At that point I threw some pictures of us around and packed his stuff to leave..
In the morning my dad tried to tell my partner that he needed to go home as I was in a bad way and I was really upset and angry.. My dad however did not tell him why just told him that I was upset about something as I wanted to confront him with what I saw myself.. My partner said he didn't want to go as he didn't want to let the team down.. This then made me feel even worse..
After some time I felt heartbroken and distraught.. Thinking that my partner had either cheated on me or had every intention to as he may have liked this girl..
At that point my mum messaged the girl.. At first it was a simple message which she blocked straight away and then went on to block me so I couldn't contact her (despite me not contacting her anyway) .. Eventually she unblocked my mum and my mum asked her out right..
She told my mum that nothing had ever happened between her and my partner and explained she had a child and a partner and was happy.. She went on to tell my mum how my partner had told her he was depressed and how he wasn't happy and hadn't been since December (something he has always said to me) .. She then went on to say how he had also told her he wasn't in love with me anymore and how he wasn't happy with me anymore.. Apparently she had told him to try and be happy and try to love me again because he once did.. She had also said my partner had called her pretty but had never flirted with her and always told the girls and her that he has a girlfriend.. She said he told her during his lunch breaks when he would come to her cafe and how he told her first in March (when he first realised he was depressed) and again about a month ago..
I was absolutely gutted.. He had never told me that he doesn't love me anymore.. Only that he didn't know if he did because he didn't feel anything and that he wasn't sure if he knew he loved me because he does or because he did... I even asked if he still loves me and said it's okay if he didn't..
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 02:26 PM
When he came home I confronted him with it.. He told me he never told her that he didn't love me anymore and only told her he was depressed because everyone had started to notice he had changed and saw the cuts on his arms..
I asked why he called her pretty and if he fancies her and he told me he didn't but he said it when she was upset because of an argument with her boyfriend and he said it to make her feel better.. That annoyed me more because I asked why he couldn't do the same for me when I was upset and he said he didn't know...
He said he wasn't fine at paintball and said he had a a panic attack and then when he heard about me he went and sat on his own and cried when he begun over thinking things... My brother told him it was something to do with him with coming home so he started to over think that I was thinking he was cheating...
I asked him to leave and he begun packing everything saying how he would leave anyway.. Lots of things were said including things neither of us meant..
Eventually after the anger subsided he sat down and begun crying because he realised he messed everything up and felt really bad.. He cried saying he didn't want to lose me and didn't want to split up.. How he doesn't know why he lied and how he isn't thinking straight.. He sobbed saying he felt lost and broken and how he knows he's been treating me badly.. He said again about going to his mum's to "level himself out" and I gave him a choice of either staying, a break or ending our relationship.. He kept saying he didn't know what to do or what he was doing with his life.. He just doesn't feel anything apart from anger and misery.. He feels like the depression is and has gotten worse and he wants to take the easy way out...
He sobbed in my arms like a little boy when he explained how lost and broken he felt and how he knew he wasn't acting like himself.. He told me he would never cheat on me and when I asked him why he lied he said he knew I would be upset and I said it was because he knew what he was doing was wrong by being there with her and lying to me everytime I asked if they were close..
He said he feels like he's let me down and I told him that depression isn't making him act like an idiot.. He is.. He said he has an "F" it attitude and has had one since last Friday (4th) and that's when he started wanting space again..
Again I asked him several times to just go to his mum's.. He told me how i apparently really wanted him to go and I just said that's what he wants and he kept saying perhaps he didnt want to.. Eventually he decided that he wanted to stay with me rather than go to his mum's..
I told him I no longer trust him and that he needs to take responsibility for the reason why and he needs to stop blaming depression for acting selfish and irrational.. He said he doesn't think things through before he does them and then realises in the end..
He said he feels guilty and now feels even more depressed.. He didn't do particularly well to comfort me when I was sad which makes it all the more upsetting that he could comfort her when she was.. I asked if it was because he didn't want to say lies but then he said he didn't know why he couldn't or didn't comfort me..
Even when I asked him why he wants to stay together he said because he knew we were happy and if in 6 months he could have anything it would be that the depression is better and we are together happy.. He said he wants everything with me (kids, marriage, a house etc) and didn't want to lose me..
Quite frankly it has been an awful couple of days.. I've felt betrayed.. Heartbroken.. Hurt.. Lied to and mugged off.. But I still love this man more than anything.. Perhaps you're going to tell me I am an idiot for believing what he's saying.. Perhaps you're even going to tell me our relationship doesn't sound healthy.. But it was never like this.. He was never like this and neither was I..
Perhaps our relationship is doomed to fail because of depression.. But I want to try and support him.. I still love him and I am still hoping he loves me too.. Deep down I am still hoping that he loves me the same as he once did..
It does sound like a horrid few days, but you sound really determined to make it work and I hope it does for you!
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 03:02 PM
It has been awful Suzi.. I felt every emotion possible and I didn't know what to do.. Saturday I was determined our relationship was over.. Sunday morning I was also determined it was over.. Then I started to wonder if there was any hope we could save it and after spending Sunday evening and all day yesterday talking I realise still I love this guy so much..
I don't know if he loves me.. And I don't know if his story is true.. Or even if the depression will ever get better.. But I still feel like I have a fight left in me.. I just hope I am making the right decision and that we can get our happy ending together like we both want...
So there’s no evidence, only hearsay, that he’s been cheating on you?
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 04:19 PM
Apart from the fact that they were in the same pub together and that he told her (and others) about his depression.. There's no evidence at all...
So both of you had a horrible time and are completely miserable because you doubted whether he was loyal to you? Perhaps you need to be a bit kinder and more forgiving of each other
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 04:33 PM
Well no not because I doubted his loyalty because he made up an incredibly elaborate story the week before that wasn't remotely true.. Because he had started to be horrible and nasty to me and because he kept on neglecting to communicate with me when he was going out leaving me at home worrying and being in a bar with someone I blatantly told him I am uncomfortable and insecure about because he made out something was going on.
So, can you draw a line and move on? Is he going back to the Drs?
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 06:07 PM
I can certainly try.. I am just hoping he will get better one day and remember that he does love me..
Yes he has an appointment on Friday.. He hasn't gone in to work for the last couple of days as he said he's feeling really very low and it would be too easy to opt for the easy way out..
We've also looked in to Accupuncture and Cranosacrial Therapy as short term reliefs for how he's feeling... Particularly as he has used holistic therapies in the past and felt like it helped...
Can he not get an earlier appointment? Maybe by calling early on the day?
I don't think for one second it's about "forgetting" that he loves you - more that the overwhelming darkness is so engulfing that actually you can't see anything or feel anything but empty despair...
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 09:50 PM
Sadly not.. The doctor he normally sees is only there on Fridays and that's the earliest time he can get too..
I hope you're right.. It saddens me that he says things like "we aren't exactly acting like boyfriend and girlfriend" and then when I say why he lmlwa why but doesn't feel like he can act like a boyfriend.. And even more so when he says he doesn't know if he is still in love with me or if he knows he used to love me...
Hereforyou
15-05-18, 10:36 PM
Sorry haha.. I meant to say he knows why but doesn't feel like he can act like that...
I gave him plently of chances to leave and plenty of chances to go off and get some space...
But have you given him any chances to just ‘be’? Sounds to me like he’s incapable of making any decisions at the moment and probably is struggling to cope with questions and/or judgements about your relationship from you, your parents, friends etc
Hereforyou
16-05-18, 12:11 AM
Well yes of course I have.. He has had depression for over 2 months now and I haven't spent every day or even every week asking him to make decisions.. But considering the way he was acting this last week I think those questions needed to be asked and I do feel like I have every reason to ask those questions..
If he wants to go surely he can make a decision to just go..?
magie06
16-05-18, 07:11 AM
Any decision can be nearly impossible to someone who is suffering from depression. Some times it's impossible to decide whether to get up in the morning or not.
Hereforyou
16-05-18, 07:36 AM
I can't help but feel like right now I've made the wrong decision by staying with him.. He seemed so angry and miserable yesterday.. He talks about knowing we aren't acting like a couple but does nothing to change it.. He's done things purposely to hurt to me and even admitted it.. He's said he's realised he's ruined everything but doesn't comfort me or do anything to make me feel better.. He talks about not knowing if he still loves me or just knowing he once used to...
Is this all part of the depression or am I holding out for a love that's already lost...???
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