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sallyb
14-03-18, 07:46 PM
Hello

I’ve suffered with depression most of my life. I’m 41 now. I grew up in a chaotic home with an alcoholic dad and a mum shutting off all our emotions. I have such low self esteem. I achieve well on the outside as I am so well organised and push myself. But that’s just a symptom of my childhood - trying to control the chaos. I also have chronic migraines which has been nearly 15 years. I have been to my GP so many times and just keep getting prescribed anti depressants. I’ve been on them for over a decade. I’ve never had counselling. I am desperate to talk to someone but I can’t afford it. I self referred to my local mental health team and although they initially said I qualified for counselling they then only offered me 3 group cbt sessions. They even apologised they couldn’t do more but they just don’t have the funding. I was on a train today googling ways to help myself - again. And I found this forum.

I have tried so many times to beat this. To meditate, eat more fruit, be grateful, do the things I enjoy.... and it’s just making so little difference. I don’t have the energy to keep doing it. It feels more like I’m trying to distract myself than ever having a day when I feel happy, or worry free.

Any advice anyone? Thanks in advance. Hope you are all okay x

Jaquaia
14-03-18, 08:47 PM
Hi and welcome. I'm sorry you can't get the help you need, it seems to be a common story. It might be worth you contacting your local branch of MIND and seeing if they can offer any support.

sallyb
14-03-18, 09:01 PM
Hello yes I’ll try that thanks for the suggestion. It’s crazy that I can get help for my migraines from NHS but not for my mental health!

Paula
14-03-18, 09:13 PM
Hi Sally and welcome. I deal with chronic pain too so understand how that alone puts a huge strain on mental health. Adding the rest of life in and it can be a struggle to cope. Yet you’ve got this far, lovely, and you’ve found us. Keep talking :)

S deleted
14-03-18, 09:21 PM
Welcome to DWD

sallyb
14-03-18, 09:21 PM
Hi Paula it’s already feeling so nice to hear from people who understand. I’m sorry to hear that you also have chronic pain. It’s seems to be one thing or another everyday. My chronic pain makes me feel so exhausted every day and I never sleep well. And never feel like I have energy to do much. And times are so hard financially as well there isn’t much to plan and look forward to. I’ve just read the Matt Haig book Reasons to Stay Alive and in had a lovely list at the end of all the nice simple things in life like a starry sky or splashing in puddles! I made my own list and trying to find joy in the little things. But it’s hard. I keep crying all the time at really random moments!

Paula
14-03-18, 09:27 PM
You’re in good company - there’s quite a few of us here who’ll cry at anything - and I’m the worst ;) well done for making that list!

sallyb
14-03-18, 09:30 PM
Here it is....

Sunrises. Sunsets. Starry skies. The dark. The quiet. Books. Cold water. Ice. Hot baths. Fairy lights. Swimming pools. Seas. Rivers. Ponds. Walks. Sounds of waves. Sounds of ripples. Puddles. Autumn leaves. The darkness of the cinema. Not being alone. Being alone. Picnics. John Cusack in a rom com. Lists. Park benches. Chips on the seafront. Nighttime driving. Random acts of kindness. Openness and honesty. Discovering something new. Floating. The rain. The wind. Fresh bedding. Teddy bears. Made for TV movies. Sleep. Knitting. Dungarees. Toms. A good haircut. The warmth of a hot water bottle. Foxes. Bears. Blankets. Cake. Organising. The moon. Thunder and lightening. Crows. Swimming. Cheese on toast. Brown paper. Wind in the trees. Bed socks. Good winter boots. Mittens. The moon. Warm pyjamas. Splashing in puddles. Paddling in the sea. The rain. Dark skies and bright stars. Your own bed after time away.

Paula
14-03-18, 09:34 PM
I think you and I are going to get along ;)

sallyb
14-03-18, 09:41 PM
Ah thats nice to hear ��

Suzi
14-03-18, 10:04 PM
Hi and welcome!
I too have chronic pain, but your intro could have been written by my husband. I'm so sorry, I know how much it's affected him over the years, but he's just finished a long period of psychotherapy - with a different trust than he's been under before. It's really, really helped him to talk about things. Have you asked your GP for a referral for counselling or is there a charity who accept donations rather than fully paid sessions?

sallyb
15-03-18, 06:53 PM
Hello I’m sorry to hear that your husband has struggled too but great to hear that he has found some help. I rang my work care support team thing today which is for all staff to just have someone to chat to. The person I spoke to understood so much so quickly. She made me imagine my eight year old self and go give her a hug and tell her all the nurturing things she never got told. It was so powerful. And she told me to buy a notebook today and start writing to my eight year old self. Be kind to her and get to know her. It made me feel so good that someone else vocalised my feelings and gave me something practical to do to help heal my soul (as she said) while I figure out how to pay for some counselling.

I hope your chronic pain hasn’t been too bad today

Suzi
15-03-18, 06:54 PM
That's a really positive, but totally emotionally exhausting thing to do. I feel for you so much.

Paula
15-03-18, 07:41 PM
Well done for that, I can’t imagine how much that must have taken but you did it :)

S deleted
15-03-18, 07:51 PM
What line of work are you in?

sallyb
15-03-18, 09:26 PM
I work for local council so fortunate enough that there is a support service for staff. I’ve always been to unconfident to ring before but it was really good to talk. Feel like I have just bottled so much up for years.

S deleted
15-03-18, 09:33 PM
You’re a lot braver than me. Glad they were able to help you.

Suzi
15-03-18, 10:36 PM
I am so glad you called and got some help. Sweetheart you can get through this. Is there a limit on how many times you can call or how much support you can have?

sallyb
16-03-18, 06:35 PM
You can call any time as much as you need Which is great but I know what I really need is face to face long term counselling. I’ve spend all my life putting sticky plasters over things and it’s time to get to the root of the problem. But finances won’t allow.

One of my symptoms of a chaotic childhood is that I try to control and organise everything - so I achieve very well at work and our house is tidy etc but I’m just getting through the list rather than living my life. I’ve been trying to add one things a day into the list of something just for me.

Any ideas?

Suzi
16-03-18, 10:06 PM
Marc was told to look at his day to day activity and to work out whether he is doing things for necessity or for fun. He needed to build in more time for him to do things for himself - spending more time doing photography, walking, making his guitars etc It's about balance.
Do you have any hobbies?
What things do you like doing for you?

sallyb
17-03-18, 12:27 AM
Hi Suzi that’s a good idea to check the list for what is necessary. I try to do that but I just end up with sub lists! And when I’m eventually done with my list I don’t know what to do with myself. I honk I’ve forgotten what I like doing. I like knitting. And I think I like walking in nature but it’s been so long I can’t remwmber. I like bubble baths. Reading. Baking. I’ve been thinking of starting whittling! Make some nice spoons. But I feel guilty spending time and money on my self which I guess is linked to low self esteem.

Paula
17-03-18, 09:29 AM
I may have missed it but you didn’t mention family in your previous posts ....... Sally, the number one rule around here is that you can’t take care of others if you haven’t taken care of yourself first.

Suzi
17-03-18, 11:02 AM
Can you try to make time - like an appointment with yourself to do something lovely just for you?

sallyb
17-03-18, 11:40 AM
So far today I’m watching the new Grey’s Anatomy episode with coffee before I do anything else.

I have a difficult relationship with my parents. My dad drank a lot and my mum worked a lot to make sure bills could be paid so me and my brother didn’t get much of what we needed from them. My dad shouted a lot and said horrible horrible things. We used to beg my mum to leave him but she wouldn’t. I think this is the core of my low self esteem and feeling of never being worth enough for anyone.

I have a partner of 12 years. And he’s great. Kind. Makes me laugh a lot. But... he also has a massive anxiety disorder which has governed his whole life. He also struggles daily with things which means he leans on me a lot. I mostly have to put him first and then try squeeze in time for me. I feel like I never relax because I’m waiting for the next ‘can you help me?’ He also runs his own business which is beyond stressful and the reason we don’t have much money.

So I’m sad, depressed, have chronic migraines, stressed, worried about money, and never ever relax or find joy, never put myself first. I’m trying to find what I like and how I can relax and have some time to myself.

Suzi
17-03-18, 02:43 PM
I'm glad you are watching the episode first.

What things do you enjoying? For example, I love to crochet and cross stitch so those are things I do for me. I love to take the dogs out for a wander, I love to sit and talk to the fish (and currently frogspawn) in our pond or watch stuff on TV.. And bake.

sallyb
17-03-18, 09:38 PM
Hi Suzi wow we are twins! I like knitting and embroidery. Baking. Crafting. Reading. Going for a wander in the fresh air. Cinema by myself. Oh I might see what is on Monday afternoon and take the afternoon off work!

Suzi
18-03-18, 10:50 AM
Oh Sally how awesome!!!!
What is "work?" Favourite novel? Author? Recipe?

Flo
18-03-18, 10:51 AM
Hi sally......you're good at lots of things and that's great for distraction. I like knitting and baking...not very good at crochet and can only do squares!....I'm knitting my granddaughter a cardi at the moment - she's 6 - it's got a pattern which is taking me a while, but because it has little diamond patterns all over it, I'm supposed to stitch a glass bead in the middle of the triangles...probably about 250...I DON'T THINK SO!!!... I thought of gluing them on but then they might all ping on the floor when she takes it off! so I shall buy sparkly buttons instead!.....I hope you have a lazy day today and treat yourself to something nice. Good to meet you..take care.

smelly_steph
18-03-18, 02:50 PM
hi welcome.

I'm stephanie (steph)

hope you find this forum a good one to use

sallyb
18-03-18, 06:54 PM
Oh Flo I hope you mean buttons for the front of the cardy rather than sewing on 250 individual buttons. I knitted a jumper with pearls in once which was fine as you threaded the pearls onto your knitting yarn and then every so often just pulled one up into the main body and carried on knitting.

Today I haven’t done great at having a day to myself. I did watch an episode of Nashville while I had coffee before doing anything else. But then I met a friend who is having a tough time for coffee. And then done some sewing for my partner who can’t sew. I did tell him it’s about time he learnt to sew! Then I had lunch. And then did some mindfulness. Tonight I am hoping we can watch Paddington 2.

My job is teaching. Rewarding but busy.

sallyb
18-03-18, 06:57 PM
I find listening to audio books is really soothing. I listen to while I wash up, while I get ready for work. So nice being told a story and so nice to be engaged in something. I used to bowlrrow for free from the library but seem to have listened to most of them.

The. I came across ‘Listening Books’ it’s a charity set up for people with disability including depression to be able to access audiobooks cheaper. It’s £20 a year to join and they have a huge selection. Stephen Fry is the patron

https://www.listening-books.org.uk

Suzi
18-03-18, 08:24 PM
I love Stephen Fry!

Lux
18-03-18, 08:59 PM
I find listening to audio books is really soothing. I listen to while I wash up, while I get ready for work. So nice being told a story and so nice to be engaged in something. I used to bowlrrow for free from the library but seem to have listened to most of them.

The. I came across ‘Listening Books’ it’s a charity set up for people with disability including depression to be able to access audiobooks cheaper. It’s £20 a year to join and they have a huge selection. Stephen Fry is the patron

https://www.listening-books.org.uk

I love audiobooks, there;s almost nothing more soothing when you need to close you eyes and escape. My favourites are my Tolkien collection and Homer's Odyssey :)

Suzi
18-03-18, 09:09 PM
Fantastic taste in stories!

Paula
18-03-18, 10:25 PM
I love audiobooks, there;s almost nothing more soothing when you need to close you eyes and escape. My favourites are my Tolkien collection and Homer's Odyssey :)

I can’t do that. As I’m always exhausted, every time I close my eyes I fall asleep - so end up having to try every chapter again lol

Flo
19-03-18, 10:54 AM
I love Stephen Fry!

Me too!!!

sallyb
19-03-18, 09:47 PM
I can’t get to sleep without listening to a radio 4 play on the radio app. I never get through the whole story but it is so soothing and helps me concentrate on the story rather than all the thoughts and worries rushing through my head