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UncleChip
27-02-18, 04:26 PM
I can't carry on at work. The load is unreasonable, yet I'm told every other branch has just one guy doing what I do here. Still, nothing I do is ever enough, it keeps coming, the contingencies I have in place for failures aren't satisfactory, and no matter which high priority task I pick to do first, it's either the wrong one or something even more urgent crops up.

I'm not allowed to talk to my friends any more, (which I've gone into in previous threads, so I won't bore you all with repetition), but they were my one safe coping mechanism.
My wife tells me I've put on too much weight, but now that I've stopped comfort eating I'm feeling even more stressed.
I daren't have any more time off for doctor's appointments because I'm under investigation for that already and they've stopped providing a stand-in for me when I do go for a medical appointment.

I'm looking for a new job and I've had lots of interest from agencies, so we'll see. I'm dreading leaving my friends behind. I don't want to go but I can't stay. I'm worried that I'll start crying during my next job interview and blow it.

Suzi
27-02-18, 06:01 PM
Sorry you're struggling so much. Your friends will be your friends whether you stay there or not - it's not as if you can socialise with them now....

UncleChip
27-02-18, 11:23 PM
One of my friends saw I was upset as he was about to leave the building. He's quite sensitive, so I hope seeing me upset didn't upset him too.
Maybe I should just hide in the store cupboard until everyone's gone home tomorrow.

Suzi
27-02-18, 11:25 PM
I don't see how that would help at all....

Paula
27-02-18, 11:40 PM
I really hope a new job opportunity comes up soon and you can move on to the next (hopefully exciting) stage in your life (bear)

UncleChip
03-03-18, 08:36 PM
With work being closed the last few days due to snow, I've had extra time to check for new jobs.
One caller said they'd email me, but I can't find anything relevant in my inbox.

My boss expects me to "remote in" during the closure, but I'm sure my home computer needs a special USB device to do that. And I don't have it.

Still, I'll keep applying. While my friends might not be happy that I'm going, hopefully they'll understand that it's for the best.

Suzi
03-03-18, 09:58 PM
You should be able to remote in using special programmes, no usb needed.

Hope you hear - I assume you've checked your spam box?

UncleChip
04-03-18, 07:49 PM
Still nothing from the caller. I guess he either changed his mind or had to abandon his office due to snow and has yet to get back to me.
It looks like things should be back to normal around here from tomorrow, so I'll keep my inbox open.

Suzi
04-03-18, 09:10 PM
I know waiting is hard, but if you haven't heard anything you could always call them and ask for feedback as to why you were unsuccessful for that role.

UncleChip
06-03-18, 11:00 PM
I called back but he hung up right away. Maybe I said something wrong during the first call, but it sounded quite positive if I remember right.

Still, I've been applying for some more jobs so hopefully I can get a response.

At work I've been accused of installing the wrong program in every office, including offices which have had no maintenance in recent weeks. It's to be expected though, because the man behind the accusation loves to exaggerate. How he became an assistant manager I'll never know.

Suzi
07-03-18, 08:40 AM
Have you installed the wrong programme?

UncleChip
11-03-18, 08:35 AM
No, it's definitely the right one, and it's in every room because I made myself a list. Yet the deputy branch manager has emailed my line manager to say it's broken because it's the wrong program.

On top of that, my new line manager wants me to start using a second program to keep track of what needs fixing. I'm under the impression that one list should be enough, and even the deputy branch manager agrees with me on this.

Suzi
11-03-18, 01:21 PM
Maybe your deputy branch manager could talk to your manager about it then?

UncleChip
11-03-18, 07:35 PM
The deputy branch manager said he would talk to my line manager about that, but I think he's still going to mis-diagnoses problems and email my line manager (who will believe him). The deputy branch manager considers himself an expert problems I should be dealing with, but he makes me look incompetent when he starts emailing my line manager with suggestions like "The wrong program has been installed in every office."

Suzi
11-03-18, 08:16 PM
Glad he's going to talk to him for you. I hope that it's sorted easily.

UncleChip
14-03-18, 12:38 PM
I've got a meeting tomorrow to address the health issues I faced last year. To avoid further time off, I have cancelled all of my medical appointments so that should make my myriad of managers happy.
There's another meeting next week to address my incompetency. Not sure how I can fix that one so easily.

Paula
14-03-18, 12:56 PM
You really shouldn’t be cancelling necessary medical appts, lovely

Suzi
14-03-18, 04:01 PM
You are entitled to time off for medical issues...

UncleChip
14-03-18, 10:18 PM
I suppose management won't be too happy when I start bleeding all over the place. They're not pleased when I follow instructions either. I'll see what they have to say to me tomorrow.

My job search appears to be picking up though, as there's two agencies which seem to be very interested in some websites I made.

Suzi
14-03-18, 10:43 PM
What do you mean about bleeding all over the place?

UncleChip
15-03-18, 02:58 PM
The backs of my hands are very sore and small cuts have appeared even though I'm not injuring them either accidentally or intentionally. It's not severe at the moment but I can only assume it'll get worse.

Suzi
15-03-18, 03:14 PM
IS it down to dry skin and/or eczema? Mine are the same and I'm loading diprobase and e45 cream on them several times a day..

UncleChip
15-03-18, 04:50 PM
I'm not sure what's causing it. I could book a day off with my annual leave but I can't guarantee I'd be able to get a doctor's appointment on the same day. Or I could book the appointment first and then book that day off.

S deleted
15-03-18, 04:53 PM
Or you could just pop into the pharmacy any time for some E45 and use that regularly and see if it helps

Paula
15-03-18, 05:17 PM
^^^wss. You really shouldn’t be tying up a gp appointment for that when a pharmacist will be able to help you. It’s been cold recently and that always affects my skin ......

UncleChip
15-03-18, 11:40 PM
I hadn't thought about the pharmacist. I should be able to fit them in after work, so my management shouldn't have an issue with it.

Suzi
16-03-18, 09:21 AM
Hope it goes well with them

UncleChip
16-03-18, 05:06 PM
The pharmacist has sold me some Doublebase Gel, which feels like it's burning. It's nowhere near as bad as the alcohol gel that's placed at the entrances of my local hospital, so it might be helping, but I understand the results may take a day or two to notice.

I think my union rep will also be available for the meeting my managers have planned for next week, so hopefully it won't be a disaster.

S deleted
16-03-18, 05:18 PM
I’ve used the doublebase cream and it’s good stuff. Didn’t know it was available as a gel too.

Suzi
16-03-18, 09:50 PM
I forgot you worked in a hospital - that alcohol gel is really bad for your hands, definitely go with serious moisturiser.

UncleChip
23-03-18, 04:35 PM
I've had some meetings about improving my work performance, but I still doubt I'll be able to manage the workload satisfactorily. The place was half closed today and somehow the list has shot up in length from about 20 items to 30. I'm told there are people I can ask for advice, but I need physical help getting things done.

I've been applying for other jobs and I have an interview on Monday. It'd be great to have a job with a reasonable workload, but I've been laying awake in bed until gone 1am just crying over not seeing some of my colleagues again. I just hope this doesn't manifest itself during the interview or at any point at my new job should I be successfully appointed.

Suzi
23-03-18, 05:31 PM
Have you asked for more help and support?
Leaving your job doesn't mean that you won't see your colleagues again if you want to.

Paula
23-03-18, 08:18 PM
It does concern me that you’re so upset about not seeing your colleagues every day. Why does this worry you so much?

UncleChip
29-03-18, 08:18 AM
I daren't ask for more help. My boss is terrifying. Originally this wasn't the case, but management changed a few years ago and there's a "one size fits all" attitude where they think having just one technician on each site is enough, regardless of how much equipment there is and how often it breaks down.

If I get the job I went for an interview for, there's a slight chance I'll see some of my former colleagues on the bus in the morning because they're leaving too, but we're not all going to the same place.

But the reason I like my friends so much is because they helped me when I was at my lowest. I was ready to just end everything but they talked me down even though they didn't realise how I was feeling. They come in every day even though they have problems, some of them bigger than mine and it's quite inspiring.

It's reached the point where I'm being told that my only interaction with anyone on site should be through an online helpdesk system. If something breaks it shouldn't be reported to me, but reported online. Then when I see the repair job, that's when I should leave my office. They may as well hire a robot.

Suzi
29-03-18, 08:49 AM
Sorry you are hating it so much...

UncleChip
01-05-18, 12:03 PM
It's confirmed, three of my friends will be gone in just over 2 months. Most of the group will still be here but I'm running out of ways to look happy.
I'm glad they're going to somewhere better though. I just wish I could go with them or just anywhere else.

My most recent job interview ended with a rejection and I'm considering going on a training course for about £1,700, but if it's as guaranteed to get me a job at the end as the last training course which promised the same thing, I might as well keep hold of my money.

Suzi
01-05-18, 06:01 PM
What things are you applying for? Is your CV good and engaging and up to date? What about your interview technique?

UncleChip
02-05-18, 09:12 AM
I'm going for web developer jobs and my CV is up to date. I don't know if it's engaging and I don't know if I'm coming across as confident in interviews. I'm trying, but I'm not sure I know what I'm doing wrong.

Today I have a meeting to decide if I should be pushed before I get the chance to jump, so to speak.

Paula
02-05-18, 10:10 AM
Will be thinking of you today (bear)

Suzi
02-05-18, 03:16 PM
How did it go today?

UncleChip
02-05-18, 05:57 PM
They said I've made no progress and I have 3 weeks to improve. I don't know if they'd then have to give me a notice period or if I'm kicked out straight away.

Paula
02-05-18, 07:19 PM
did You have a representative there for you? Someone who can tell you if they’re following proper procedure and who can make sure you get the right level of support

UncleChip
02-05-18, 08:45 PM
I had a union representative with me, but when she asked me to clarify things I think I just ended up digging myself a deeper hole.

Suzi
02-05-18, 09:05 PM
Are they giving you extra support or training?

UncleChip
02-05-18, 09:30 PM
Not as a result of today's meeting. They say they've done everything reasonable to make changes but I'm at a complete loss as to how I can work any harder.

I just look at the list of jobs I have to do and I panic. I can't decide which jobs to do first because I can guarantee no matter which ones I pick they'll be the wrong ones. There's one that's had over 35 hours and is only 25% done. I could pour entire days into it, not finish it and not get anything else done.

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DcN8MFAWsAERvrj.png

Suzi
03-05-18, 09:41 AM
What does your union rep have to say about it all?

UncleChip
03-05-18, 11:36 AM
I've been to see her this morning and she's agreed to see me tomorrow afternoon.

Suzi
03-05-18, 02:37 PM
It might help to make a bullet point list of what your issues are?

UncleChip
04-05-18, 04:28 PM
I'll do that. Today I've been given more work than can be completed in one day to be ready for Tuesday. With the bank holiday in the way, I've had to stay back at work an extra hour.
Had I stuck with my usual finish time, I'd have been asked why the work wasn't done when it was essential. Now that I have done the extra hour, I won't be offered overtime or even thanked for showing a willingness to go the extra mile.

Avoiding the temptation to cut myself again, I've gone into a store cupboard and screamed until my throat hurt and my vision went strange, with little white dots flashing all over the place.

After all I've tried to fit in, there'll be something I've done that's inexcusably wrong by the time I come back on Tuesday. I'll have to wait until Tuesday to find out what it is, so there's no point in me guessing at this point.

If it weren't for my friends here I'd probably just head to the bus station Tuesday morning and see where I end up.

Suzi
04-05-18, 09:52 PM
This is not doing you any good at all. When did you last see your Dr?

UncleChip
05-05-18, 08:17 AM
November probably. I've cancelled all of my medical appointments since January just to make my boss complain less.

Paula
05-05-18, 08:55 AM
can I suggest that you check your contract, if you haven’t already, to see your rights re time off for medical appointments? Also, most surgeries open out of hours (my surgery has one late shift per week and one Saturday surgery in every four, for instance) so could you not make an appointment out of work hours?

It’s not ideal, but could you not take a half days holiday?

Suzi
05-05-18, 11:14 AM
Tony, let's be honest. You are having suicidal thoughts, screaming into cupboards until you are having physical issues, stressed out, hating it etc and you don't think you should get an appointment until November? I think that's completely unrealistic. As Paula says there are options. Tbh I think you'd be better off working in any other job rather than this...

UncleChip
06-05-18, 09:58 PM
Sorry, I must have mis-interpreted the previous question. I haven't seen my doctor since November. I'll try to get an after hours appointment when the surgery re-opens on Tuesday.

UncleChip
06-05-18, 10:31 PM
Although I may be justified in feeling overwhelmed. I've heard of other technicians leaving other sites and while I haven't been told the reasons, I can guess it's because of the sheer amount of work we're all given to do. Apparently one guy just left without telling anyone in advance earlier this week.

Suzi
06-05-18, 11:28 PM
Please do get an urgent appointment. You need help....

Paula
07-05-18, 09:01 AM
You need to focus on you and your future, not on what other people are doing, Tony

UncleChip
07-05-18, 10:31 PM
I'm not saying that how I'm feeling is right, I just think that I'm not the only one in the organisation who's feeling pressure to leave.
But 9am tomorrow I'll call my GP surgery, even though I'll be at work. If anyone looks into my office window they'll probably just think I'm calling a technical helpline, so I shouldn't get into trouble.

Although I've been at home for 3 days and I'm not feeling the pressure right now. I'll probably feel the pressure tomorrow morning, but I'll try my best.

Suzi
08-05-18, 08:49 AM
Hope you managed to call to see your GP and I hope when you see them that you're going to be 100% honest about how you are feeling - including the suicidal thoughts and the screaming into cupboards...

UncleChip
08-05-18, 10:23 AM
It took just over an hour to get through, between the busy switch-board and a half dozen urgent tasks, but I now have an appointment for 2 weeks on Monday.

Suzi
08-05-18, 10:57 AM
Did you not tell them that it was urgent?

Paula
08-05-18, 03:17 PM
That does seem too far off for you right now

UncleChip
08-05-18, 07:42 PM
I told them it was urgent, but they said they had nothing sooner and if it's urgent I should call 999.

Suzi
08-05-18, 08:59 PM
Can you not call each morning as more appointments are released? Or ask for a cancellation?

UncleChip
09-05-18, 01:18 PM
I called again just a few minutes ago and they said to get a same-day appointment I need to call at 8am. No cancellations have come up yet.

Also I'm being accused of not having equipment ready for an evening meeting I wasn't informed of. According to the complainant, the equipment wasn't working at all.
I replied by email to tell him that I was told that morning that it wasn't working, but I had it fixed about an hour later. I CC'd in my union rep.

My union rep informs me that the equipment was working at the evening meeting and that the complainant was demonstrating it to a visitor.
It's clear to me that someone's making things up just so the management will want rid of me even quicker.

Suzi
09-05-18, 02:12 PM
Then you need to call at 8am tomorrow and the next day and so on until you get an appointment.

I don't know why anyone would be that vindictive or lie so blatantly! I think maybe you need to keep your union rep informed of all these things so you can show that you are struggling with your workload, your managers, other staff, the rules about who you can and can't eat with etc...

UncleChip
09-05-18, 04:34 PM
Sorry about the double post. I wrote about the appointment, then read my emails and wrote the next post right away. On most forums I have access to edit my posts, but I guess there's a reason why that's not available on here.

The list of troubles I'm having is getting longer, but I've signed up with the National Autistic Society's online community and told them what's going on. They say some of it sounds like discrimination, so I may have grounds for legal action.

Suzi
09-05-18, 05:56 PM
That's why I suggest talking it all through and logging it with your rep.
Yup, there is a long reason why there is no access to edit posts ;)

UncleChip
10-05-18, 09:24 AM
I tried at 8, but it was engaged. I kept trying for the next 15 minutes, but people were getting impatient with me and I was told to stop wasting time on the phone because I was needed away from my office.

Suzi
10-05-18, 10:29 AM
OK, well try again tomorrow.... I think you need to explain that you aren't wasting time, you're trying to get a Drs appointment.

Paula
10-05-18, 03:20 PM
So, I hope you’re going to try again tomorrow at 8? And tell them it’s a priority?

UncleChip
10-05-18, 09:11 PM
I'll call again, but if the lines are busy and I keep trying I might get told off. Then I clam up and start with one of my few allowed coping mechanisms (over-eating, screaming in a store room or cutting myself).

It might be easier just to have the morning off for a better chance of having my call answered.

Suzi
10-05-18, 09:22 PM
If you are harming yourself then you need to get an appointment or go to A+E...

UncleChip
11-05-18, 11:22 AM
I still couldn't get through until after 9, then they told me to try again on Monday.
Then I went and hid in the disabled toilet and cried it out. I don't know how long I was in there but I got a radio call asking for me so I tidied myself up and started working.

Paula
11-05-18, 03:42 PM
If you’ve been calling day after day and can’t get an appointment, it suggests to me they don’t realise how ill you are. Please, please keep trying today to at least get a telephone call with your doctor

Suzi
11-05-18, 04:29 PM
If you're still feeling like this then get to A+E over the weekend. I completely agree with what Paula says. They can't know how bad you are.

UncleChip
13-05-18, 03:15 PM
I don't know what to say to my wife. She'll ask where I'm going and if I say it's to the hospital she'll then ask what's wrong and I don't know what to say.

Suzi
13-05-18, 04:42 PM
You tell her that you are having suicidal/self harm thoughts or that you have hurt yourself and you need medical assistance. You shouldn't have to hide this from her at all.

Paula
13-05-18, 04:45 PM
She’s your wife, she should know if you’re feeling like this but won’t if you don’t tell her. Please talk to her

UncleChip
13-05-18, 07:48 PM
I'll talk with her when the kids are asleep. I don't want to scare them too.

Suzi
13-05-18, 08:30 PM
That makes sense. Maybe she could call the dr for you if you can't?

UncleChip
14-05-18, 08:38 AM
I'm sorry, I didn't know how to start the sentence. I've been calling the doctor again this morning but the line is still busy each time. I'll try talking to my wife again tonight if I can't get an answer before 9am.

Paula
14-05-18, 08:44 AM
I think you need to speak to your wife regardless, it’s not just about getting the doctors appt, it’s also about having the support only your loved ones can give

Suzi
14-05-18, 10:50 AM
How about something like...

"I need to talk to you about something. You know I've been struggling with depression? Well it's got more serious and I am ..... "? She's your wife. Presumably you love her and she loves you. She will know something's going on - trust me, I did with Marc way before he went to the drs or talked to me about it - but I was imagining so many other things that would cause similar symptoms. Talk to her.

UncleChip
15-05-18, 04:06 PM
I tried talking to her about it last night and she didn't seem impressed that I was seeking medical help again after what happened last time.

A few years ago I was on sertraline. After a few months I felt like I could be neither happy or sad, my memory problems got even worse and I was falling asleep at my desk. Faced with the same manager's attitude to medical appointments then as now (Is it really necessary?), I just didn't go back and stopped taking the tablets when they ran out.

Then a few months later I started seeing my friends at work (who I've been told not to talk to since September 2017) and they helped me to motivate myself, but without them it's gotten worse.

Today I've been trying not to act on my urges to cope, but in the end I've caved in and eaten a small amount of chocolate and sat shaking behind my desk.

Suzi
15-05-18, 05:41 PM
Does it matter if you've eaten some chocolate?
I really think you need to talk to your wife again. You obviously need help....

UncleChip
15-05-18, 07:40 PM
Normally I'd eat a whole pack, but I was trying to avoid it because I've been putting a lot of weight on from comfort eating.
I'll try talking to her again tonight.

Suzi
15-05-18, 09:25 PM
Try using things like www.time-to-change.org.uk It's got some great ideas for conversation starters or ways of explaining things.

Paula
15-05-18, 09:27 PM
I wouldn’t worry too much about comfort evening right now, especially if it helps

UncleChip
16-05-18, 09:48 AM
She says I should stop screaming in the store room and stop snacking. I haven't told her about the cutting.

Somebody's put a complaint in which is likely to get me sacked during next week's review meeting.

I'm going to give up phoning the doctors from 8am until 9, the 21st is less than a week away now.

Suzi
16-05-18, 12:16 PM
What is the complaint? Have you contacted your union rep?

UncleChip
16-05-18, 09:30 PM
The complaint was about some perfectly good equipment that wasn't replaced. I was told to replace it with some slightly older equipment, which I discovered wasn't fit for purpose. I told him this, but he's complained any way.

My union rep is back in tomorrow, so I'll tell her about it in the morning.

Suzi
16-05-18, 09:32 PM
Make sure you do...

Paula
16-05-18, 09:52 PM
Please do, that really doesn’t sound like grounds for disciplinary action ...

UncleChip
17-05-18, 07:04 AM
I'm already in trouble for not communicating properly and for marking incomplete requests and repairs as finished. But more often than not, when I've marked an incomplete job as finished it's because it can't be fixed or performing the job will only make things worse.

Suzi
17-05-18, 10:01 AM
So they aren't really finished then? I can see why that could cause a problem....

UncleChip
17-05-18, 12:18 PM
And as far as I can tell (because the tasks are registered online) there's no option to mark a task as "unable to resolve". I've been told to upgrade the unfit equipment with parts in storage, but I've just now explained to him that these are the wrong size. I'll see what comes out of this.

Suzi
17-05-18, 08:23 PM
Did you talk to your rep?

UncleChip
17-05-18, 08:36 PM
I think she was ill today. If she's not back tomorrow I'll email her to let her know.

Suzi
17-05-18, 09:40 PM
Why not email her today?

UncleChip
18-05-18, 01:08 PM
I prefer to talk to her face to face to avoid misunderstandings. She's in today and I've given her the details, so she knows what they'll be talking about on Wednesday. Thankfully my doctor's appointment is before then.

Suzi
18-05-18, 02:38 PM
Why would there be misunderstandings if you are typing facts to her?

UncleChip
19-05-18, 05:29 PM
Sometimes I'll make assumptions about what the email recipient knows and miss out important details. Speaking face to face generally works better for me because I can fix mis-understandings much faster.

This may be the sort of communication issues my manager is referring to.

UncleChip
21-05-18, 04:26 PM
Sorry about the double post, but I got back from the doctor and she's diagnosed me with work related stress. I've been given an official looking form which tells my employer that my workload should be reduced for 4 week.

Assuming I still have a job in 4 weeks' time, anything I don't get done will still be waiting for me at the end of the reduction, on top of the regular workload I'm dealing with now.

Suzi
21-05-18, 09:00 PM
Glad you're being seen and given some reduction in workload....
Nothing about depression? Therapy? Medication?

UncleChip
21-05-18, 09:12 PM
Nothing about depression. I must not be suffering enough.

Jaquaia
21-05-18, 09:16 PM
Were you completely honest about everything?

Suzi
21-05-18, 10:29 PM
Did you tell her that you are struggling with those elements too? Did you volunteer that info or did you just say that you were having a hard time at work?

UncleChip
22-05-18, 09:47 AM
I had written a list of what I'm doing and what symptoms I'm experiencing, but I only managed to get about a third of the way through it before she asked about my work situation, after which she told me I didn't have depression.

S deleted
22-05-18, 09:59 AM
Have you previously had a diagnosis?

Paula
22-05-18, 11:01 AM
She has no authority (unless she is a doctor ....) to make that statement and could get in trouble for doing so. Id be very surprised if that’s what she meant

UncleChip
22-05-18, 11:14 AM
I have about 3 or 4 years ago and they put me on sertraline, but that made me feel even worse so I stopped taking it.

Jaquaia
22-05-18, 11:29 AM
Did you stop it after talking to your gp? How long did you take it for?

Suzi
22-05-18, 12:49 PM
Did you ever go back and tell them it was making you feel worse?

UncleChip
22-05-18, 03:03 PM
Sorry, I may have gotten some messages mixed up. I'll back up a bit.

My GP says I don't have depression. She's a different doctor to the one who prescribed sertraline before.
I didn't go to my GP when the sertraline ran out. I was so scared about what another medication might do that I didn't go back for over a year, and that was for a different health issue.

My union rep will be assisting me tomorrow morning with my capability review. I know she'll do her best, but it also depends on how determined management are to get rid of me.
I've applied for another job today, so hopefully I'll have somewhere to go in 4 week's time.

There's a lot of confusion about what my doctor's note would mean with regards reduced workload. I'm the only person on site who deals with equipment problems and recently when I've had medical appointments and job interviews there's been nobody to cover for me.
If I have 4 weeks on reduced workload, then anything I haven't done in that time will be waiting for me when the note expires, plus my regular workload.

Next week I'll be on holiday for 5 days, so I should get a rest (in theory). But then that's another 5 day's work not done at all that I'll have to catch up on upon my return.

Suzi
22-05-18, 04:16 PM
Did you tell your dr everything about how you are feeling?

UncleChip
22-05-18, 10:24 PM
I tried to tell her, but she didn't let me finish reading from my list before she said it was work related stress. Maybe I should have just given the list to her.

Suzi
22-05-18, 10:30 PM
That's always a good idea. Maybe try to go back?

UncleChip
23-05-18, 09:45 PM
My manager and union rep have asked me to confirm what the note she wrote about "adjusted responsibilities" means, so I'll go back as soon as I can get another appointment.

Suzi
24-05-18, 09:32 AM
Can you call and get a telephone appointment? That might be quicker than a full on appointment.

UncleChip
24-05-18, 10:01 PM
I'll see if they offer a telephone appointment service. I was going to call for an appointment today but I had so much work to do that I forgot.

Suzi
25-05-18, 09:39 AM
Did you get to speak to someone?

UncleChip
26-05-18, 08:04 PM
I got through to the receptionist, who told me that it was up to me to decide which duties I should put aside for the next 4 weeks. But I don't know what to pick. No matter which aspects I put aside, I'll have to work on them once the time is up again and catch up.

Suzi
26-05-18, 10:05 PM
Can you ask for an OT referral?

UncleChip
30-05-18, 08:06 AM
I'll try when I get home. I'm on holiday at the moment and I don't have access to any of my work contacts until I get back into my office.

Paula
30-05-18, 09:41 AM
How are you doing?

UncleChip
30-05-18, 11:06 PM
I'm getting to sleep earlier, but there's still a lot of physically demanding stuff to do in the day. Still, I only have to satisfy 4 people so there's a lot less stress.

To take my mind off work, I'm learning a new programming framework in the evenings.

But as far as the meeting went last week, it didn't go well. I'm to be placed on a formal competency review, which could last anywhere from 6 to 12 weeks at my manager's discretion. So I have that long to learn the framework and make myself employable.

Suzi
30-05-18, 11:51 PM
What kind of physically demanding stuff are you doing?

With that framework I would assume you get more support and guidance?

UncleChip
31-05-18, 11:35 PM
It's mostly walking, sometimes up hills with a small backpack, but we're coming home tomorrow so I'll have the weekend to relax before I go back to work.

Hopefully the best thing about learning the programming framework is that I'll have a better chance of landing a new job. Without it I'm in dire need of training, but there are a great deal of different programming frameworks and I need to start somewhere.

Suzi
01-06-18, 10:38 AM
Have you enjoyed the holiday at all?

UncleChip
01-06-18, 10:45 PM
The hour or two spent in the hotel room each night have been relaxing, as we've split the family across 2 hotel rooms. As a result of this I only have my son to look after instead of all three of my children.

We're back home now, so the process of catching up with a ton of things can begin.

On a side note, I've decided to try to face my anxiety over the dentist. After a panic attack during a check up a few years ago, I haven't been back, but my teeth are starting to fall apart and are hurting quite severely.
I thought I'd booked the appointment for Wednesday, but I've had a text from the dentist to say it's the following day, so I may need to re-book the time off from work.

Suzi
01-06-18, 11:18 PM
Do you enjoy spending time with your family?

UncleChip
02-06-18, 08:33 AM
I did. We did all sorts of things together, like a coastal boat trip, digging holes on the beach and crab lining to name a few. But it was very hard work.

Sometimes I feel like I just need a day away from everyone, but then I'd be shirking my responsibilities and people would call me a bad parent.

magie06
02-06-18, 08:56 AM
I've never heard of crab lining. What is it?

Paula
02-06-18, 08:59 AM
Sounds like you had a good time :)

Tony, everybody needs space away from family sometimes and I promise you that no one would think you’re shirking your responsibilities by needing a break from your kids.

Suzi
02-06-18, 11:16 AM
Sounds like a good time! :)

UncleChip
02-06-18, 04:37 PM
Crab lining involves dropping a weighted bait bag into the water and keeping an eye on it until it starts moving. Sometimes the bait bag can be inside a net, but either way, the bait is on the end of a string, no rod involved.
When you think you have a crab biting, pull it up.

With them being sea crabs, it's good to have a big bucket of sea water (tap water will kill them) next to you to put the crabs in while you put the bait back into the water. I'm sure I caught the biggest one, big enough to eat if I'd known how to cook them, but it let go of the bag as soon as I pulled it out of the water.
It was about this big.

magie06
02-06-18, 05:21 PM
We used to do that with bones from the butcher, when we were kids. We would stand on a narrow pier, with no fear, tie a bone to a piece of string and lower it into the water. Great fun, free entertainment and no WiFi needed! We always released them when we were finished.

UncleChip
02-06-18, 09:35 PM
We used bacon, but I'll see if next time we can get some cooked chicken legs, eat them and then use the bones. It might be more hygienic.

Suzi
02-06-18, 10:03 PM
cubed ham works well ;) We used to do it too!

UncleChip
04-06-18, 12:15 PM
OK, I'm back at work and I've resubmitted my request for time off for a dental appointment. Other than that, I've had no complaints from management so far.

On the face of it, it's been a good day but I just feel so vulnerable and lonely.

Suzi
04-06-18, 03:51 PM
Glad it's going OK.

UncleChip
05-06-18, 03:55 PM
Just a week and a half and three of the friends I'm not supposed to have lunch with will be leaving for a new job together.
I don't know if I'll ever see them again. It's already bad enough when their shift finishes before mine each day. Not that I'm jealous, it's that I miss them so much.

Suzi
05-06-18, 08:28 PM
Could you get a job nearer them?

UncleChip
05-06-18, 11:33 PM
I'm applying for lots of jobs over a wide area, but very few of them are near their new place. But I'm not getting past the interview stage because I lack the training and industry experience needed for my preferred career.

I might have to start applying for jobs in my current field of work, but I find equipment repair to be unrewarding and on many occasions heartbreaking.

Paula
06-06-18, 07:47 AM
Perhaps you could look at jobs in the current field of work with opportunities for training and industry experience?

Suzi
06-06-18, 08:51 AM
Perhaps you could look at jobs in the current field of work with opportunities for training and industry experience?
I agree, that sounds like a sensible plan...

UncleChip
06-06-18, 12:15 PM
That sounds wise. I'll widen my search on my lunch break.

This morning's been overwhelmingly bad.
I've called for another doctor's appointment, but it's on the 21st. At least I'll have a few hours off tomorrow when I go to the dentist, but I've got anxiety about that too.

My comfort eating's getting worse. I can feel my clothes getting too small for me.

Suzi
06-06-18, 03:42 PM
Can you write a bullet point list of your symptoms to hand over to the GP?

UncleChip
06-06-18, 07:57 PM
I'd written them down for my previous appointment, but I read it to the doctor last time. This time I'll let them read it.

Suzi
06-06-18, 08:57 PM
Add to it, put on there about how upset you are and the coping strategies you have - eating, screaming into cupboards etc...

UncleChip
06-06-18, 11:10 PM
They're on there. I just need to find the piece of paper.

I've been trying to fix my nephew's 3DS for the last 4 hours and I can't do it. Now it's 11pm, the device is more broken than when I started and I still need to do all my house work.

Paula
07-06-18, 07:12 AM
Housework can wait especially as you were busy doing something for your nephew - it’s things like that that truly matter

Suzi
07-06-18, 09:00 AM
I completely agree with Paula!

UncleChip
07-06-18, 05:32 PM
I did the washing up in the end. There would have been nothing to eat breakfast in in the morning. Washing up in the morning would make me late for work.

I went to the dentist today and I need 2 extractions and 2 fillings. The extractions will have to be done by a specialist, but that'll have to be done on private. I've no
idea how much that'll cost.

Suzi
07-06-18, 08:19 PM
Well done for going.

Paula
08-06-18, 12:03 AM
Ouch. How are you doing?

UncleChip
08-06-18, 09:27 PM
I've tried to put the dental treatment to the back of my mind, at least until the letter from the specialist arrives.

Still struggling at work. Wednesday was hugely productive compared to yesterday and today, and I'm sure management will notice. I just feel like the room's spinning most of the time.

The National Autistic Society got back to me yesterday with some recommendations for autism friendly job searches, so I'll be looking into those tomorrow when, hopefully, I won't be as zoned out as I am right now.

Paula
08-06-18, 10:43 PM
Well done for getting that information from the National Autistic Society. Hopefully that’ll make things a little easier

Suzi
08-06-18, 10:47 PM
Glad that things are brighter...

UncleChip
13-06-18, 12:09 PM
After going through the links, the vast majority of them only cater to people in the London area and the rest are for school leavers, so I'm back to square one.

Including today, there are only 3 days with my friends and then they're gone. So far all this week I've been feeling overwhelming sadness boiling over and I've been running for the nearest store cupboard to avoid anyone seeing me crying.

I don't know how much worse I'll be on Friday after they've left for the final time. I'm going to try and eat my lunch now.

Suzi
13-06-18, 01:28 PM
When did you get an appointment with your Dr?

UncleChip
13-06-18, 03:35 PM
On the 21st, so just over a week away.
I'm the last one in again, got another 10 minutes before I go. Then I've got a meeting at another organisation at 6. I feel like everything's spinning.

Suzi
13-06-18, 04:15 PM
Last one in again where?
Is it an interview?

Paula
13-06-18, 05:50 PM
Is it an interview? I hope so

UncleChip
13-06-18, 09:42 PM
Oh, sorry, lack of context. I was the last person still at work from the day shift. All my colleagues had gone home. I only know a handful of people from the evening shift.

But I've since had my meeting and come home. I'll probably be up past 11 washing pots again.

Suzi
13-06-18, 10:04 PM
How many pots do you use? lol

Was it an interview? How did it go?

UncleChip
14-06-18, 12:12 PM
It was enough washing up for a family of 5. For some reason it always takes me at least an hour and a half, often longer.

It wasn't an interview, but a school governor meeting. I'm on the board, but I'm standing down soon. I don't think I'm very good at it. I don't understand what's being discussed most of the time.

Suzi
14-06-18, 03:58 PM
I cook for a family of 5 too.. 2 meat eaters, 1 vegan, 1 almost vegan and 1 vegetarian so at least 3 different meals a night so I know all about washing up! Have you thought about a dishwasher? That would mean you could spend more time helping your wife with the bedtime routine or spending more quality time with your wife! I'm sure she'd appreciate that and maybe you could do something together - for example Marc and I are trying to watch Game of Thrones together.. We've made it to season 2 episode 3!

UncleChip
14-06-18, 04:13 PM
The kitchen's tiny, but we could find somewhere else to install it perhaps.

One more day with my friends at work and then I'm lost. I don't know if I'll be able to face it on Monday.
I'm also trying not to take too many pain killers. My teeth are giving me agony and I have a nasty headache, but if I take pain killers too often it only makes it worse.

Suzi
14-06-18, 05:03 PM
Take the painkillers if you need to...

Paula
14-06-18, 05:52 PM
What’s wrong with your teeth?

UncleChip
14-06-18, 08:40 PM
I went to the dentist last week for the first time in 5 years and he says I've got 2 teeth so rotten down they need removing by a specialist and 2 more in bad need of a filling. Only I'm terrified of tools being in my mouth. Even mirrors and those scraping tools make me feel uncomfortable, but the tools needed for an extraction or filling are more than I can handle.

I've asked about the cost of sedation, but the dentist doesn't know as it's only offered by the specialist.

Suzi
14-06-18, 09:18 PM
My teeth are in a horrific state. I take medication just to get into the room so I appreciate that. You can be fully sedated for dental treatment - I checked that last time I was there.

UncleChip
16-06-18, 05:19 PM
I put on a brave face for my friends' last day while they were there. As soon as they were out of the building I ran for the nearest toilet and locked myself in until I stopped crying. After that I went back to my office and cried at my desk. Nobody passing my office seemed to notice, thankfully.

I don't know what Monday's going to be like for me. I'm just trying to get through the weekend without thinking about it.

Suzi
16-06-18, 06:17 PM
It seems a very extreme reaction to someone leaving... I really think you need to make your Dr understand exactly how much this has affected you and I think you need some proper help as you seem to be struggling so much with things atm.

UncleChip
18-06-18, 08:08 PM
I don't know how to explain how my friends made me feel at peace with myself. But without them I can't justify my presence beyond trying to keep a roof over my family's heads.

One of them used to arrive early and greet me at reception most mornings, but she's gone now. Just walking into the building was enough to reduce me to tears today.

Paula
18-06-18, 08:21 PM
Keeping a roof over your family’s heads is a pretty good justification for your presence there....

Suzi
18-06-18, 08:28 PM
Paula's right. If you can't carry on there then you'll have to focus on getting a new job. But keeping a roof over your family has to be a good enough reason to continue until you get a new job surely?
Any news on another Drs appointment? Maybe you could do bullet point lists and hand them over?

UncleChip
18-06-18, 11:12 PM
The appointment's still set for Thursday.

I had an email from a support group who had planned to meet me at work to assess what support I need, but I must have missed some details out because they wanted to meet at out head office right at the end of my working day. This presents a problem because I don't own a car and I haven't been to head office before, so I'd take a very long time to get there by public transport.

But I am writing a list of symptoms and my coping strategies to give to my doctor on Thursday, so that should help.
Before that, I have another meeting with representatives from head office on Wednesday to remind me how bad a job I'm doing. I've no idea how I've been here so long if I'm so bad at my job. But they're the managers and they must have more expertise than me to get that title, so it must be true.

Suzi
19-06-18, 09:31 AM
Are you cancelling the support group?
Is your union rep coming with you to the meeting on Wednesday?

Paula
19-06-18, 10:34 AM
Please take a rep, or someone, to the Wednesday meeti g

UncleChip
19-06-18, 10:33 PM
The support group have contacted me to arrange to re-schedule, but so far I don't have a set date for it.
My union rep is coming with me tomorrow.

My wife seems to disapprove of my going to my GP for help and I simply need to do more exercise and do more things I enjoy. But if I do those things then I won't have time to do the parts of the housework I usually do. And I want to get back into writing, but when I do get a few minutes I just don't know what to write any more.

Work today has been a lot like yesterday, trying to hold everything in and then feeling overwhelmed and running to an empty room or store cupboard where I can let everything out for a few minutes before getting on with work again.

Suzi
20-06-18, 08:47 AM
Sweetheart does your wife understand how bad you are feeling? Have you told her how bad it really is?
You can't keep on with that at work - it's not fair on you and it's not very professional. You have to tell people how bad you are feeling. What about occupational health?
You can still do things you enjoy and do housework. What bits are "your responsibility?" How long do they take you?

UncleChip
20-06-18, 09:41 PM
I've tried telling my wife how I'm feeling, but I don't think she understands. Thing is, she's confided in me how she suffered depression and would self harm before she met me, so I thought she might understand. Maybe she's forgotten, or she thinks I can't feel as bad as she once did.

I've had occupational health meetings, but each one basically ends with a recommendation that I go to my GP. But my next appointment is tomorrow and I have the list ready.

Primarily it's my job to wash up on an evening, but it seems to take 2-3 hours. Between getting home from work and starting washing up, I often have to walk to the shops to top-up on milk, bread, etc. which is at least an hour and a half too. Most nights one or more of the kids are at an after-school club, so I sometimes have to go out to bring them home. But I'll do whatever house work I'm told besides this, though I'm no good at cooking or ironing. Things tend to get burnt (or sometimes under-cooked).

Paula
20-06-18, 10:30 PM
Forgive me being blunt but how on earth does your washing up take 2-3 hours? I seem to remember you saying you don’t have room for a dishwasher but you can get table top dishwashers.

I can’t comment on how far away is your shop but perhaps it’d be more time efficient if you get what you need on the way home

Suzi
21-06-18, 09:01 AM
How on earth does it take you so long to wash up? I normally do ours and I cook around 4 different meals per night as we have meat eaters, vegetarians and vegans in this house so on average I'm using 3 - 4 many pots and pans as I'd expect you to use and it doesn't take me that long if I did it in one stretch. With my physical disabilities I have to stop several times and then start again but even then it doesn't take that long.
WRT getting bread and milk - can't you do it on the way home or when you go out to get the children from after school club? What about your wife could she not do one or other of those?

Hope your Dr's appointment goes well today.

UncleChip
21-06-18, 02:24 PM
Quite often there's breakfast dishes to wash as well as those from the evening meal. My wife often asks why it takes so long, but the honest answer is I don't know.
I'll look into the table-top dishwasher.

There are no shops between home and work, and the shops are quite a detour from the route to the kids' clubs. Tonight I have a route planned though - from work, to home, drop off my work bag, then to the doctor's, the chippy, the shops, then pick up my youngest from scouts and then back home.
Hopefully I can remember all that.

Angie
21-06-18, 05:08 PM
We do our pots once a day, and my kids are home all day, my son does them for me and he has disabilities and he hates doing the pots and it doesnt take him that long, we find it quicker if we organise the pots from cleanest to dirtiest etc and have plates together, cups together and cutlery and pans together etc and that helps

magie06
21-06-18, 06:33 PM
The breakfast dishes are washed and left to dry until lunchtime. The lunchtime dishes are done with the dinner dishes and we're all done in about 15 mins max.

Suzi
21-06-18, 07:40 PM
Maybe it's something to do with the way that you are organising the washing up? Do you do them all in one go or keep being distracted by something else? How did the Dr go?

UncleChip
21-06-18, 08:22 PM
There's no one here at lunch time; everyone's either at work or school, unless it's the weekend.
I think some of why I take so long is from my inability to concentrate on the task at hand.

My GP has recommended that I take 2 weeks off and has prescribed me some propranolol tablets, which I understand are in a different family of medicines from the sertraline I was on before. I'll see what happens with them.

Work just got out of control today. 3 hours trying and failing to get an appliance working, then replacing it with a spare which won't work with the equipment around it without replacing a certain cable. Now this cable is exposed because I can't open the trunking in the wall (I have neither the tools nor the training), but it's been positioned quite neatly along the top of the trunking and is neither a tripping nor strangulation hazard.
The room is in working order, but one person (who isn't based in that room) has taken exception to this and insists that the original cable be used. A cable which I believe is faulty. A more experienced engineer than I has looked at it and he agrees that the cable is faulty.
But because this one man won't accept that, my manager wants it repaired.

Additionally, my manager has recommended that I refuse to do any work which has not been electronically registered. Emails have gone out requesting that all faults and service requests are logged on the system before I'm contacted, but there are people who still ask me to do things without logging them.
I've been saying I'll do the work on the condition that the requests are logged, but 9 times out of 10 I end up logging them myself.
So my manager wants me to refuse. This WILL cause complaints, especially if I refuse a requests from anyone in management. And I'm compelled to treat everyone equally or be accused of favouritism or brown nosing.

So I don't know weather I should obey my manager and let my colleagues down, which will result in me failing my competency procedure, or disobey my manager to avoid complaints and end up failing because I didn't follow instructions.

Paula
21-06-18, 08:46 PM
Obey your manager. If there’s a system and they’re failing to adhere to that, then they’re failing, not you. And, actually, it’s not fair on you to be expected to carry out Work that’s not been officially requested or be expected to log it yourself. These systems are in place to enable you to do your job efficiently, they shouldn’t be sidestepped

Propranolol is a beta blocker and are used for many things including to ease the physical symptoms of anxiety

Suzi
21-06-18, 09:36 PM
Definitely obey your manager!

UncleChip
22-06-18, 10:09 AM
I've gone in to work today, explained everything to my union rep and after consulting several other people I've been sent home to rest for 2 weeks.
Hopefully this time they'll get someone in to cover for me so I don't have 2 weeks of work to catch up on as well as my usual workload.

So I've gotten a head start done on the washing up and hung the clothes out to dry. Then I logged on here and wrote this message. I know I should be resting, but my wife might call me lazy if I've been home most of the day and not done anything.

magie06
22-06-18, 10:40 AM
But you've been sent home to rest? Surely she will understand?

Paula
22-06-18, 11:51 AM
The whole point of convalescence is that you convalesce. By all means, if you’re up to pottering round the house then go for it but never feel guilty for being unable to do things because you’re ill

Angie
22-06-18, 01:52 PM
Regarding the refusal to do anythng that isnt properly logged as you have been advised this by your manager ask him or her to email this to you so you have a record, then when you refuse there can be no issues

Suzi
22-06-18, 02:16 PM
Pottering around doing bits here and there is a good thing, but as the others have said don't be made to feel guilty for being poorly.

OldMike
22-06-18, 02:36 PM
Pottering about is good, it keeps you occupied rather than just sitting in front of the TV.

UncleChip
22-06-18, 04:08 PM
Not sure if it's the medicine starting to take effect or something else, but I just dozed off for an hour.
I'll explain everything to my wife when she gets in from work.

Paula
22-06-18, 04:39 PM
Tony, is your wife really as strict as she’s com8ng across on your thread?

UncleChip
22-06-18, 06:56 PM
Half and half. Most of the time I don't tell her what's going on at work because I don't want her to worry, but sometimes she tells me it's not a good idea to go for a new job because I can't guarantee I won't get sacked right away.

Suzi
22-06-18, 10:24 PM
If you don't tell her how things are, how are you expecting her to know that you're struggling? TBH it's much easier if you tell her - I know it was for me with my husband...

UncleChip
23-06-18, 09:02 PM
She knows I'm struggling at work. I guess I didn't tell her that my doctor told me to stay off work for 2 weeks because she told me not to go to see them. But we've talked about it now. She can't see much of a difference in me yet though, but it might take some time for the propranolol to start working.

Suzi
23-06-18, 09:46 PM
So why did she think you were off work for 2 weeks?

UncleChip
23-06-18, 11:14 PM
She found out about it when it had started yesterday, but I had initially gone to work to explain. Then they sent me back home, even though I intended to work all of Friday to finish a few important things and start the 2 weeks from Monday.

I'll have to email my colleagues on Monday to get someone to do the important things because I was quite overwhelmed on Friday afternoon by all the fuss made in the morning.

Paula
24-06-18, 09:23 AM
Why couldn’t you tell your wife what the doctor said?

Suzi
24-06-18, 09:42 AM
You need to talk to her about this. How else can she understand and support you and help you if you don't tell her what's actually going on?

UncleChip
24-06-18, 03:33 PM
We've talked about it now, but she doesn't think having the time off is a good idea because my manager will use it as an excuse to get rid of me.

I see it as an opportunity to step up my job search.

Suzi
24-06-18, 04:05 PM
Please remember though, you have been signed off because you are poorly and need to work on getting better....

UncleChip
24-06-18, 06:25 PM
I'm thinking I can take more time on my job applications, rather than rushing to fit them in during my lunch breaks. I could use some of the rest of the time to learn a programming framework to make myself more attractive to employers, but yes, most of the time will be used trying to generally relax and recover.

Paula
24-06-18, 08:03 PM
Good, it’s so important

Suzi
24-06-18, 10:13 PM
Good!

UncleChip
08-07-18, 10:41 PM
Back at work in the morning.
I wonder if the beta blockers will be enough to stop me cracking again.
I've gone over my emails and there is a new rule regarding other members of staff in my office. I understand this is for data protection and confidentiality, but it'll also serve to enhance my feelings of loneliness.

I'm not a valued member of staff. I'm an appliance to be summoned when required. If I bear this in mind, I'll still have a job here in 2 month's time. Assuming I can't get another one elsewhere first.

But I do have an interview on Wednesday, so that's good news.

Paula
09-07-18, 07:27 AM
What new rule and how does it enhance your feelings of loneliness? Well done on getting the interview

Suzi
09-07-18, 09:31 AM
What new rule and how does it enhance your feelings of loneliness? Well done on getting the interview
Exactly what I was going to ask! lol

UncleChip
09-07-18, 06:32 PM
The new GDPR rules which say I'm in breach if anyone enters my office while the computer is unlocked.
I cannot lock the door, so people can walk in before I'm able to tell them not to.
The rule must have been broken at least a dozen times today.
I hope I'm not reported.

Suzi
09-07-18, 10:19 PM
Then you have to speak to your managers about how to make it workable...

Paula
10-07-18, 10:38 AM
Perhaps it’s as simple as moving your desk so the computer screen isn’t visible when people walk in?

UncleChip
10-07-18, 06:39 PM
My screens have been facing away from the door & window for the last year and a half, so they shouldn't be an issue.

I think everyone's on edge about this rule though, since it's only the people from head office doing the reporting, but they can only do that when they're on site.

Suzi
10-07-18, 09:12 PM
Have you mentioned your issues with this rule to your manager?

UncleChip
11-07-18, 08:18 PM
I don't like standing up to him.

During a meeting today, he mentioned how I'd only fixed 8 things between Monday morning and Wednesday lunch time. But when I checked the lists after the meeting, I counted 20+ things in that same time period. But it'll be his number that get's noted in the minutes of the meeting, rather than the real one from the system.

Suzi
11-07-18, 09:11 PM
Then take it to him and show him....

Paula
11-07-18, 09:33 PM
Why would you be standing up to him if it’s just you commenting on the difficulty caused by GDPR regs - that every company has to deal with?

UncleChip
12-07-18, 10:19 PM
He'll likely handle my dislike of this rule the same way he handles all my complaints - everyone else has to do it the same way.
Maybe I should barricade my door just to be able to comply.

As far as the comment about me only having done 8 jobs in 2 and a half days, I emailed him and my union rep with a list of the job ID numbers and a description of each. He tried explaining that many of the 21 jobs I'd identified were "password resets" and that I hadn't completed any requests made before this week, so I then spent another hour writing an email detailing each and every one of them.
He doesn't seem to have an answer to that.

Also I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. The beta blockers are working well and she'd like to see me about them in another month, but she's concerned that my anxiety stems from my line manager bullying me as I had explained to her about the 8 jobs accusation. She's suggested I ask my union rep for advice about this and to see if there's an impartial person to speak to who is above me in the organisation. I can think of 1 person, but he's usually very busy. I'll email him in the morning.

Suzi
12-07-18, 10:34 PM
How are things at home? Are you talking to your wife about how you are feeling? Have you streamlined doing the dishes etc?

UncleChip
13-07-18, 10:48 PM
I think having the beta blockers is helping me to focus, so I'm getting the dishes done much faster. I still have trouble starting conversations with my wife though. I don't often get my point across effectively.

At work my union rep thinks my line manager was "just doing his job" when he said I only closed 8 jobs. I'm sure he has access to the same data I have, on the same system.

Suzi
14-07-18, 11:50 AM
Glad you're getting the dishes done faster. Have you tried using the time-to-change website to help to talk to your wife?

UncleChip
17-07-18, 10:58 PM
I've been looking at the Time for Change site since you mentioned it, but I don't know how to use it. I'll try digging bit deeper, there must be something I've missed.

Suzi
18-07-18, 08:35 AM
You could try leaving the page open at certain pages like the one for anxiety and panic attacks https://www.time-to-change.org.uk/about-mental-health/types-problems/anxiety-disorders or watch some of the personal stories together or print out some of their downloadable content for her to read...

UncleChip
20-07-18, 04:08 PM
I'll try that. I've got some time off work coming up soon, so I'll be able to fit it in then.

Today has been a disaster at work. I'm still on the beta blockers, but my workload just went up drastically and some of the issues raised in my formal capability procedure are sure to be flagged up because of this.
I've mostly been sat crying at my desk, but also screaming in the store room and taken several cocodamols in the space of a few minutes.

It wasn't until late in the afternoon that I was able to see my union rep to ask for help and we now might have mitigated some of the damage, but head office are sure to use this as the final and biggest excuse to dismiss me when we have the next meeting about it in about a month's time.

I've also found a new friend. He hasn't been here long, but I've been helping him with his confidence whenever I can. You'd think this would be a beneficial thing for the business - I don't let it interfere with my role too much and it's only for a few minutes a day. His improved confidence translates into better performance too. Seeing his progress makes me feel better and I had been working harder until today. I've been hiding my sadness from him. I don't think it'd be good for his morale to see me as I am right now. If the branch manager found out about it all, he'd be quite angry with me.

Paula
20-07-18, 06:39 PM
How many cocodamols? Could you please call 111 to talk to them about it?

UncleChip
20-07-18, 08:38 PM
Eight of them. I'm not sure how many mg, but they're over the counter ones so they're not the high strength tablets obtainable with a prescription. I'll call 111 soon. I need to wash up right now.

Paula
20-07-18, 09:08 PM
Have you called 111 yet?

Suzi
20-07-18, 09:55 PM
If you've overdosed the washing up can wait. Get emergency medical help now please.

magie06
20-07-18, 10:30 PM
How did the phone call go?

Paula
21-07-18, 07:45 AM
What did 111 say?

UncleChip
21-07-18, 10:10 AM
They recommended I get to my local hospital. They kept me in overnight for observation and took blood samples.
This morning they're going to send me home, but one of the doctors here doesn't seem to be very sympathetic; he says I've wasted everyone's time and resources with my attention seeking behaviour.

Suzi
21-07-18, 11:49 AM
Have you told them why you did it? Are they putting you forward to the crisis team? Have you had a psych evaluation?

Paula
21-07-18, 11:51 AM
Thank you for getting help, I was worrying about you all night. That doctor is wrong and I’m furious you were treated that way

UncleChip
21-07-18, 05:49 PM
I was too nervous to explain to him, especially when he had two other men at his side.
Maybe he thought I was dangerous, but even years ago on the rare occasion I've been blind drunk, I'm never aggressive.
The rest of the staff seemed to be more understanding, but they must have thought my reluctance to say why I'd done it was because of the effects of the codeine.

Because it had been several hours since I'd taken them, they decided not to use stomach pumps or charcoal.

Paula
21-07-18, 09:14 PM
How do you feel now?

UncleChip
21-07-18, 09:58 PM
Still a bit dizzy. I've also had some abdominal pain which has been minor for the last year or so, but over recent weeks has become more pronounced, though I doubt it's related to any medication I've been taking.

I'll tell my GP about it all and see what she says.

Suzi
21-07-18, 10:56 PM
Will you get an urgent appointment tomorrow?

UncleChip
21-07-18, 10:58 PM
Not with my usual GP, but I can try the out of hours clinic.

Suzi
21-07-18, 11:06 PM
Why not with your usual GP? If this is because of work then let me be the first to tell you that the fact that you deliberately took an overdose and meant you spent a night in hospital because of the danger to yourself means that you should not go to work and you NEED to see your doctor URGENTLY

Paula
22-07-18, 08:49 AM
Have you rung the out of hours doctors?

CaterpillarGirl
22-07-18, 09:57 AM
This backwards attitude of doctors is why I find it so hard to go in and see them, I hope you're OK and that you get the help that you need

UncleChip
22-07-18, 04:01 PM
I'm sorry for making everyone worry.
It's not because of work; my GP centre is only open Monday to Friday and all of the doctors in there follow that working pattern.
I rang the out of hours doctor and they made an appointment for earlier this afternoon.

When I went, he said what happened at the hospital shouldn't have happened. He asked if I needed more time off work, but I explained about what's going on with the formal capability procedure and that I increase the risk of losing my job if I have any more time off.
He then suggested that, if my job is causing me this much of a problem I should look for work elsewhere, which I have been doing since October 2017.
He also recommended that I increase the dose of my beta blockers. I can't get to a pharmacy today as it's Sunday and they're all closed, but I do have enough from my last prescription to take twice as many in each dose, but that still doesn't solve the work issue.

I do have another appointment with my GP booked for the 6th of August, when she's due back from her holiday.

I wonder, if the management are that committed to getting rid of me, could I take legal action against them for the medical issues their behaviour towards me has caused?

I just feel like nobody wants to employ me and when all is said and done, I'm going to lose my house and end up in an even worse situation.