View Full Version : Running off a cliff *potential SU trigger*
Oh Pen, I’m so sorry for you both that things have turned out so horrible. It sounds like she’s definitely done the right thing but it’s going to be tough for both of you for a little while. We’re here for you (bear:
OldMike
16-11-18, 09:25 AM
All that's gone on about "A" certainly makes you wonder about him "H" paid off his debts and he ran up more debts and drained the bank account that's terrible, yes she has done the right thing. (panda)
Now she has calmed down H is losing her convictions, he is still at a friends but he wants to talk to her and sort stuff out. He says he loves her and is sorry. She is now saying there must be a rational explanation but I would certainly like to know where the money I was saving up to pay our winter has bills had gone.... I don't know how much is missing but hubby had been putting £100 a month by all year. During the winter our has bill i is about £80 a month in the summer it's been less than £10 a month. Currently in the pot we have £90 which is hubby payment for the month minus £10. Neither H or I have taken that £10... But where is the rest? H wants things to go back to normal and I am under pressure to forgive him, but I don't know that I want to live in the same house as a man who steals my money
Am I being unreasonable?
No you’re not. Ultimately, it’s down To H whether she tries to make it work but it’s your home and you have the right to feel safe in it
I completely agree with Paula! How dare he? What an ungrateful sh*t! You've put a roof over their head's and given him work when he had none. Sweetheart you are totally right to not want him under your roof! I hope H sees him for what he is...
I have just checked in case I am being paranoid by looking at my pay as you go statement. There should be an additional £345 in the kitty. I am shaking. I don't think I really wanted to believe it. I look forward to his rational explanation about that.
Wow, that's a huge amount to be missing...
OldMike
16-11-18, 05:30 PM
Taking that money is a betrayal of trust, so unless he has a believable explanation then he shouldn't have access to any of your accounts.
H has gone to meet A. She has agreed that whatever happens A cannot come back to live here. She wants him to show he will change his life not just give empty promises. She wants him to find himself somewhere to live, pay off his debts and pay her an allowance to pay off what he has taken. They met at 6 and she is still not home so fingers crossed that things are going well.
I’m so relieved she knows he cannot come back. Big hugs, sweetie
That has to be a relief for you knowing that he isn't coming back.
That has to be a relief for you knowing that he isn't coming back.
Yes it is. He came by after their meeting and got some stuff. She told him he could not stay longer than 15 minutes or I would kill him. He denys taking the winter fuel fund, the evidence is only circumstantial , but hubby said he had been surprised lately that when he had been putting money in that there was none left at the end of each month.
H is very determined that she is going to get on with her life and pottery career without him. His parting blow to her was that he did not want to get close to her anymore as she smelt of vodka all the time. The reason that this really hurt is that she has tried 3 times to get off the drink but she is very dependant and going cold turkey is painful but he has not offered any support to her just expected her to carry on running after him, cooking his meals and providing him with a home.
All sorts off stuff is coming out now. Back in the summer I took A and H out for a family meeting where we identified all the jobs that had to be done and which of us would take responsibility for them. Apparently after the meeting A complained to H that I was a right bitch for making them take responsibility for helping in the house. Not that made any difference A did his chores for about 2 weeks before stopping. However it also seems that when I grumbled to H about A not doing his chores H would go and do them so I would not complain to A. I had always thought I had been very reasonable, if there was a job A should have done but didn't I always very politely asked him to do it and he always did, however apparently I was a right bitch, who slacked around the house getting him to do jobs I did not want to do.
Wow! What a ****er. You’ve been so good to him and gave him the chance at a good life. H is well rid imo
What an absolute cock! Pen you've been more than reasonable, kind, patient and lovely to him than he has ever deserved!
Has H thought about contacting your local drug and alcohol team to get some help?
You are both well rid of him!
OldMike
17-11-18, 10:30 AM
Yes you're both well rid of him.
I am very tired today. The hectic week last week has taken its toll. Feeling very low. H says that A is trying hard to make it up to her, and she has started saying things like when he comes back. I don't want him back but I can hardly throw her out.
But you have the right to not have him back. What about all the money he needs to pay you back?
Erm, you can’t live with someone you can’t trust. If it comes to it, you might have to say she needs to leave.......
I have no proof that he took it. What if I am just mistaken?
All sorts off stuff is coming out now. Back in the summer I took A and H out for a family meeting where we identified all the jobs that had to be done and which of us would take responsibility for them. Apparently after the meeting A complained to H that I was a right bitch for making them take responsibility for helping in the house. Not that made any difference A did his chores for about 2 weeks before stopping. However it also seems that when I grumbled to H about A not doing his chores H would go and do them so I would not complain to A. I had always thought I had been very reasonable, if there was a job A should have done but didn't I always very politely asked him to do it and he always did, however apparently I was a right bitch, who slacked around the house getting him to do jobs I did not want to do.
First off, he stole from H’s bank account. And he said all this about you. How can you have someone in your home that behaves like that? Even if you are wrong about your money ......
I agree with Paula.
Pen, you're normally good with figures and the amount you worry about them... I'd be very surprised if you were this wrong about how much money you are missing...... If it wasn't him and it wasn't you then that leaves H and I don't see her stealing from you when she knows the effect that worrying too much has on you.......
Sweetheart how can you have someone who thinks you are a "right bitch" and someone who "slacks around the house"? It's YOUR home love. You have to feel safe and live with those you can trust.
I know. I slept for 9 hours last night but I still am not sure how I will make it through the day dealing with two full classes. I can't face dealing with the day and making decisions about the business it's all getting to much.
Then stop and breathe. Talk to H and tell her how you are feeling...
Can you do the minimum today to allow you time to pace a bit just whilst you're dealing with this?
I had to tell H i would consider A moving back in after she got very distressed when I said I did not want him back under my roof. Thing is she threw him out in anger but is only just starting to realise the enormity of what she has done. She is torn between hating him and not wanting her marriage to fall apart. On the meantime I am feeling trapped by the situation. H believes that if A gets a flat that it won't be close enough to here for her to carry on working here, she is also concerned about me being here on my own. I just don't know what to do.
Pen you are in a hideous position.
(panda)(panda)
Any chance you can give it some time for him to really prove he's sorry?
Strugglingmum
21-11-18, 03:12 PM
(panda) no words of wisdom but feel for you in your situation. Sounds awful. X
OldMike
21-11-18, 04:50 PM
(bear) (panda)
Really struggling this morning. Last night my head was full of really intrusive thoughts and I just could not switch off and sleep. I am worrying about my daughter's relationship with her husband, the amount of work we have to do, the calls and emails I am not following up, the preparation we need to do for the shop we will be selling in soon, the fact we have not started sorting out our own Christmas, the mess that is our kitchen... You name it I am worried about it.
Can you write a list just to get it all out of your head? Then you can prioritise. Can H help with any of it? What about Hubby?
No point in involving hubby. I am a bit calmer now I have been able to take my iron pills again (I ran out at the weekend) and I have a bit more energy again. H is helping as much as she can.. We are both working silly hours to get stuff together for selling for Christmas.
H and I have agreed that we will swap sitting rooms. At the moment my sitting room is part of the kitchen and dining room, which means that when anyone is using the kitchen I have no privacy, also H and A smoke so they come through the kitchen to go outside as I don't allow smoking in the house meaning I get interrupted if I am watching something on the tv, plus get a cold draft down my back as they come and go. The new arrangement will mean I have a separate room with a door that I can shut them out of. So not only will I have privacy but increased security of my stuff as well.
So he's moving back in then?
OldMike
23-11-18, 12:22 PM
So he's moving back in then?
I truly hope A isn't being let back in anytime soon.
No there are no plans for A to come back at the moment. I just would like a more private space to be in, plus I think it will do H good to change rooms rather than sit in that space with all his junk thinking about what could have been.
I'm not sure I want to go on with my life at the moment. H has now decided that A had not been stealing from us that it's just a misunderstanding. I upset her last night by telling her that Grandad never wanted to see him again as she felt it was none of anyone else's business. This morning I have a customer complaining that the two pottery robins her son made has been broken on the way home from pottery. I don't know what she expects me to do. I am missing my mum at the moment, I don't know why I think it's because it feels like she was the last person who cared and looked after me.
Oh hunni, what a horrible situation you’re in. I’m going to be blunt, sorry. First, H is being completely unfair if she expects you to have to deal with all this stress without the support of others. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. Second, you’ve been supporting H and A for a long time - you’ve provided a roof over their heads, employed them, given them financial support and taken on a lot of care for H. They’re adults and it’s about time they acted like it. And they’re repaying you like this? I’m actually disgusted by what has been going on. Perhaps it’s time they stood on their own two feet and moved out.
I’m sorry you’re struggling to deal with your grief at the moment. But, much as H has hurt you, would you want her to feel the same way as you are right now, if you didn’t go on with your life?
I completely agree with Paula - how dare they?
Sweetheart you do not need to have him back. How the F can she now be saying it's a "misunderstanding?" What about the money that went missing from the business/gas etc? How is that a misunderstanding?
You deserve to feel safe in your home and do you know what? You've been really kind to put a roof over their heads and employ them when they didn't have jobs. You are so kind.
If you feel that you might hurt yourself please get some help lovely. This world would definitely be a worse place without you in it.
Well an update. H is going between never wanting him in her life again and missing him. However she has accepted that new will never come back to live here again. She is spending a huge amount of time working making mugs which she hopes to sell over the next few weeks. We have put some of our stock in a shop in town but so far i am the only one selling stuff. I have been making little elf families. The tallest elf is about 10cm high. The baby elf is about 4cm and comes with a dummy in its mouth. H says I am insane ( but does admit they are very cute).
This week is a week without classes so we hope to get a lot of stuff onto the internet this week.
I'm glad you've decided and made it clear that he isn't going back to live with you.
Look forward to seeing your products on the website!
Those elf’s sound gorgeous!
Hopefully they will be when they are all fired. Suffering a lot from anxiety tonight. Don't know why but it had been a bad day for anxiety all day, starting with a nightmare shopping trip in Morrisons. I have tried to keep myself distracted with sewing and art related stuff but now it is getting near bedtime it is getting worst. I dare not take a lorazepam as I see the nurse at 9 tomorrow and I don't want to over sleep.
How did you get on last night? Did you tell the nurse everything?
I am a bit rough this morning. Saw the diabetes nurse just now. Everything was going well till she checked my urine sample. A finger prick test followed and she told me my blood sugar was nearly 3 times what it should be. Oppps. Now was it that Costa black forest hot chocolate yesterday? Or the bag of chocolate raisins? Or the tin of peaches in syrup? Or the can of full sugar coke, Or the biscuits at bedtime? Surely not...(think)(shake)
Oh no! Are you just not looking after yourself properly?
No. I know I should be taking more care but I am just not bothered. I think that if it shortens my life then good
Pen have you told the Dr or the Diabetic nurse that's how you are feeling?
No. I know I should be taking more care but I am just not bothered. I think that if it shortens my life then good
Pen, I’m going to be blunt (again, im sorry). Not taking care with your diabetes can ultimately lead to stroke and heart disease but way before that you’d be looking at leg and foot infections (potentially leading to amputation), vision loss and kidney failure. Do you really think you want to live your life with those complications?
Have you told the Dr/nurse that you were feeling this way?
Have you told the Dr/nurse that you were feeling this way?
No point.
There is a huge point. If you’re not honest with them, they can’t help you
It did not come up in the meeting. There was no reason to say anything about it.
Don't worry though. I am fine. The feelings of wanting to end it all come and go and I get through them.
No point.
There is every point.
It did not come up in the meeting. There was no reason to say anything about it.
Of course there is. If you are thinking that this will be a way of shortening your life, then you know that screams that you need to get some help.
Don't worry though. I am fine. The feelings of wanting to end it all come and go and I get through them.
I know, but if you don't look after yourself then it's going to be harder to give yourself the best chance.....
I will try to look after myself a bit better. I don't want any help. I know that there is nothing they can offer that I want.
OK... What's happening with pacing? Are you still working on getting some time out?
I know I am not pacing well atm. There is a certain desperation in getting enough stuff finished and on sale to capitalise on the Christmas season.
Even at the expense of your health and a risk of a crisis?
I have been trying to wear myself out to try and deal with the feelings of anxiety that have been plaguing me today. At 7 this morning I was cleaning cat pe E and worst from under the stairs so that the gas meter could be replaced at 8 o'clock. After walking the dog I setup our test kiln to do a special firing then I packed up two items I had sold and took them to the post office. I spent the afternoon glazing a sculpture I had made, then after dinner I cleaned the oven and took H to her friends. I then sorted out the recycling. I have just cleaned up the kitchen and emptied the vacuum and am contemplating vacuuming upstairs.
That's a huge amount to do in one day. Is H helping at all?
H does her bit. My friend is coming round this morning to clean my kitchen floor. It is annoying her as to how dirty it is lol
How's your pacing going today?
I have just had a break for some dinner now I am back out to the studio to finish glazing another sculpture and then load the kiln
Sweetheart you need to pace, you know that pushing yourself like this isn't something that you (or anyone) can sustain. You need some downtime love....
I have just finished work. All safely stowed in the kiln. There is very little I can do now till Friday when I can unload it and take the spoils down to the shop.
So a pacing day tomorrow?
I have a networking meeting at 10, but hope to get my feet up for a while tomorrow.
I have a networking meeting at 10, but hope to get my feet up for a while tomorrow.
Good. And you know we’ll nag you until you do ;)
Hope the meeting is easy and nice, and hope you're resting this afternoon!
The meeting was very productive. Having an hour watching tv before I go and do some work.
Hope you've rested lots lovely x
I rested for an hour. Did some glazing. Loaded the kiln. About to do the kitchen then may do some cleaning.
Leave the cleaning.... rest.
Then rest - and that doesn’t mean sitting down doing paperwork .....
Hope you're planning some downtime today...
Those elf’s sound gorgeous!
Pictures now on Facebook
The season is getting to me. Had a good cry last night as I feel I am so unprepared for Christmas. Nothing bought, no cards sent, no decorations up. Hubby came over though whilst I was sobbing and came back this morning with a pack of Christmas cards and we did at least get those out. H and I will be going to buy the Christmas food in a bit (well what we can get in the freezer) and some presents have arrived from good old Amazon. I have decided though not to put anything else for sale on etsy as I just cant cope with sorting out shipping stuff as well as Christmas at the moment.
I'm glad you're stopping trying to list everything too....
Sweetheart I had a bit of a crash down about Christmas too, but you know what I realised? It doesn't matter if we're eating beans on toast (or just toast as H doesn't like beans) the only thing that matters really is that we are together. Presents are nice, but not essential. I don't send many Christmas cards at all and would rather put that money aside to run this place for a while... Anyone who matters not only won't mind, but will understand. Anyone who doesn't isn't worth worrying about...
My friend has been bad again this week. Spent last night on her sofa.
Oh no! Send her our love too hunni please. Are you able to look after you too?
Oh no, bless her. Big hugs to both of you(panda)
She is a lot better tonight. Started the day with her so pale a ghost would have more colour, but by tonight she looked and acted much better. She felt safe to be left tonight. I am looking after myself.
Glad you're looking after you.. Hope she's feeling brighter...
Yes I think so. Been a busy morning taking stock to the shop. Selling a puffin back home now. Hoping for a quiet afternoon making cows before the kids class.
Hope you're resting lovely
Have you put your feet up at all today?
Have you put your feet up at all today?
No. Not had time
Are you at least resting now? What about the weekend?
Are you at least resting now? What about the weekend?
No. Trying to find A's spare car key.
How are you today, love? What’s your plans today?
How are you today, love? What’s your plans today?
Walk dog (soon to become dogs) run 2 classes make cows, tidy house for home check.
Dogs? You getting another one?
That's the plan. There is another Kelpie cross who needs a home. We will be fostering her at first and if everything settled down ok then adopting her.
Are you well enough to add in another dog? I think it's great that you are thinking about it and want to help her....
Yes I think I am. Overall in the last 13 months I have been so much better. My downs are not as bad and I am better st managing them. I have always wanted to have more than one dog and having this younger one will mean a good companion for Ember as well as keeping me active longer.
H and I have discussed it and the new dog will be here. It will give her a new focus now that A has gone with the safety net that if looking after her becomes too much that o can step in.
What is happening with A? Is it definitely over, then?
Yes. I think she has decided that they are not good for each other and they are better off without each other.
I'm sorry it hasn't worked out for her, but tbh with what you've said about him she's so much better off without him!
We have been busy cleaning. We have spent more time cleaning for the home check than we did for the arrival of my son this afternoon.
Oh God, I remember that stress! If it goes well, when does the little one come home?
As soon as can be arranged. We are hoping Wednesday
How are you today? Have you had your home check?
I'm ok but very tired. Have decided I may not go to work today. The home check went well. They are checking if the new dog is aggressive to other dogs tomorrow.
Yes. Apart from three loads of washing and changing the bed I have been listening to my audio book and sewing.
Well the new girl arrives Friday. I broke the news to hubby tonight and he is furious. He always is when I get a new pet. The trouble is that he gets too attached to my pets and can't cope when they pass on. He will get used to the situation eventually but in the meantime he sat on my sofa in stoney silence for an hour before taking himself off back home.
What’s her name? Have you got a pic?
Sorry he's cross.
How are you atm?
Her name is Macey. I can't put up a picture on Facebook as H is fighting A over the cats and does not want him to have an excuse to take him.
Surely it makes sense for H to keep the cat as they are stable at home?
It does but he wants the cat even though he has no home. He has agreed that H can keep it but she is worried that if she gives him an excuse he will take him.
Sounds like he's being a real git... She's so definitely better off without him.
Maybe the cats need to be included in any separation agreement/divorce papers?
Maybe the cats need to be included in any separation agreement/divorce papers?
Yes but H does not want to divorce at the moment.
Anyway hubby came over tonight and said now the shock had worn off he is ok about another dog.
Yes but H does not want to divorce at the moment.
It might be sensible to look at a separation agreement though - just so they both know where they stand legally
I agree, do it legally on paper. Why doesn't she want to divorce?
She agreed that it would be a good idea and will sort something out in the new year. She is concerned that about the expense of a divorce when neither of them is looking to remarry at present.
Well we have a new addition to the pack. Macey joined us yesterday. Things have gone surprisingly well. Ember has accepted her and has even been playing with her. Macey (or Kya as we have renamed her) is a little bigger than Ember so we are having to watch that she does not get too pushy with her. Ember sleeps with me and Kya with H so Ember gets her own space. Kya even came to work with us today and was very good, although we waited till everyone was settled before we let her out.
The cars have spent the last two days under my bed but as Kya is shut in H's room at night they can have the house to themselves at night. Having said that this evening they have been getting braver so things are proceeding as planned there. The studio cat Mr Tiggs has already put Kya in her place.
Awww do we get pics? Glad it’s going well so far :)
They wouldn’t necessarily need to get a solicitor if they just want to have something in writing between the two of them - though any document like that isn’t legal binding. Anyway, Citizens Advice have got details of options
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/how-to-separate/deciding-what-to-do-when-you-separate/
Thank you that is useful.
I have lots of pics but can't remember how to share them with you without using fb
Aw so glad it's all going well!!!
You'd need some kind of image hosting like photobucket to post the pictures.
Photobucket is no longer free to new sign ups and I do not have a login with my current email
Ok let's try this
https://photos.app.goo.gl/VFoDwrzVPh5Hmi489
OldMike
23-12-18, 01:17 PM
Beautiful pics and glad she is fitting in, any reason you've changed her name Kya as Macey seems cool?
A couple of reasons. One is that we have found with other rescues that a new name with us helps them adjust faster and Kya was a name H always wanted to use.
Absolutely agree with changing the name - we've had dogs who haven't known their names at all, so change it and others who know it so we stick with it...
Glad she's settling in, she looks beautiful! :)
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.4 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.