View Full Version : Intro - Hoping for shared experience/motivation

16-01-18, 03:36 PM
Hi All,

So I've only been aware of this forum for 10 minutes, but needed to find someway of expressing my feelings and reasons for feeling like I do. I'm hoping that I can find some kind of normality and realise that feeling the way I do is normal, but more importantly, how to get to the other side!

Some background - Im Nick, 32 married with an awesome little 15 month yr old dude. I've had a more than stable upbringing, parents not divorced, a great extended family and what I would consider to be happy until around 3 years ago

I've been dealing with various symptoms of depression, I think, probably for the last 10 or so years. It came to a head about 6 month's ago when work/home life 'apparent' stresses mean't I took a trip to the GP following quite a severe panic attack I had prior to going to work one day. My wife was present when this happened, and on her advice (which she had been trying to tell me to sort something for a few years) was put on some anti depressants and was referred to counselling. I eventually took up some private counselling sessions (about 7) over a period of about 4 months and several weeks signed off work. These sessions motivated me to a certain extent to really look within myself and I left each session with a positive outlook. Unfortuantely shorted lived.

I have recently resigned from my career of 10 years as I was not performing/enjoying my work, but was given a 3 month period (paid) as notice. Yet I sit here a month on, feeling lazy, unmotivated, tired, angry, useless and lonely.

It would appear IO have everything a guy would ever want, but the perfect life seems so far away. I have been told I look to much into the future, but that for me is only because I want to make a success of myself, but seem to forget what is right in front of me.

I'm babbling here, mainly for lack of ability to type iot out, but something needs to change. How can I justify to my family my inability to sit around all day, unemployed, applying for a few jobs and just hoping that someone will give me a chance. I havbe no clue what I want to do, or how to save my marriage, or be the best dad I can be

My wife - She is a superstar, the most determined, thoughtful and hardworking mum I could hope for. Yet we sit in silence of an evening until it is time to go to bed, wake up, and it all starts again. Where did it go so wrong? Why can't I tell her how I feel? Why can't it be liked it used to? I blame myself, for being selfish, for being lazy, for taking her for granted and not helping around the house (unless she asks me to) Why do I expect her to stick around when I am like I am.

My son - They say being a Dad is the best feeling in the world, and it is. But why when I have a day off with him tomorrow do I turn it into a negative. He is amazing, but why do I feel like I am not good enough to look after him. We will play, he will be looked after, but after 30 minutes I, yes I will get bored and not put the effort in. He deserves better than that, it's not his faulty I am who I am

My feelings - If I could I would sit around all day hoping that someone will change things for me, I know full well that is not the way to fix this, yet I do it anyway. I've been telling myself for years 'get off your arse and go for a run' yet it never happens. I selfishly want my hard working wife to give me what I want, without giving anything back. She will leave me soon, but I am not motivated to change how I am. I will only realise when it is to late

I feel nothing, no happiness or sadness, just nothing. No desire to speak to my friends or family, no motivation to leave the house, no motivation to find a job, no motivation to fix my marriage. I am lazy, but am I really? I've not always been so maybe not. I am angry, yet I have nothing to be angry about.

Who knows what I am truly looking to find here. But I am at a loss, I hope someone has experienced something similar and that I am not crazy

16-01-18, 04:44 PM
Hi and welcome, Nick. Right. Iím not sure Iím going to be able to answer all your questions just now but Iíll come back later, if I may, and Iím sure other members will help out ;)

You sound just like my husband was this time 3 years ago. A job heíd loved, and had for 13 years, heíd lost all motivation for. He didnt know where to go next in his career and, tbh, didnít want to even think about what to do, he had major stresses at home (my poor health, 2 teenage girls doing exams and losing his dad) and he was stuck. He has been able to climb out of that hole, Iím not going to say how because we do it all differently, but I want you to know that it can be done.

Can I ask if you have to return to work immediately? If not, can you take a mini sabbatical? Have you asked your wife what she wants and how she feels about all this? You say sheíll leave you but has she actually told you that? It may be that itís more important that you focus for a little while on getting well. On that note, when did you last see your GP?

Do you tell your wife how much she means to you and how wonderful she is? Oh, and wrt your son, no one can spend all day with a toddler without getting bored - thatís not just you, I promise

16-01-18, 04:54 PM
Thanks for the reply!

I tell my wife everyday that I love her, but to her I think she just thinks I am doing it as a routine. One week she tells me she has had enough and wants it to end, and the next she doesn't think that. I feel like she is under a lot of stress herself with working fulltime etc etc. It just seems that it has gone to far, and our ability to communicate has broken down.

I am on gardening leave until March. We want to keep our sons nursery place so obviously need to work. It's not that I can't find a job at a temp agency etc, it's more where next. I need job satisfaction but feel it is a million miles away!

I last saw my GP about a month ago, was supposed to make an appointment after 4 weeks (just before Christmas) but didn't. I will call GP tomorow.

My real issue I am starting to realise is that I can't communicate how I feel. When I speak to my wife family or gp I seem to underplay it as if I feel 'alright' but deep down I need love and tlc. I am desperate for my wife to be there for me but feel my depression has pushed her away

16-01-18, 07:44 PM
Hi and welcome to DWD.
I'm glad you're going to call your GP. It sounds like you really need to.
Can you write out a bullet point list of what you want/need to say to your GP or print out your posts from here?
WRT your wife - hunni, I've been in the position of your wife when my husband is poorly and I promise that she is probably just as unsure of how to communicate with you too right now. Not knowing what to say and also not knowing everything that's going on.
Sit down with her and tell her. Or write her a letter?

16-01-18, 08:31 PM
I need to find someway of communicating to her.

I told about my bad day today and that I needed to feel her affection. The problem is, she is beyond that at the moment. She is and always has been very supportive but I'm at a point where only I can change myself

16-01-18, 08:46 PM
wow Nick! i just read your post. makes me want to hug you.
its such a struggle to go through. i hope you find your answers.
being here so far has already helped me a lot. good luck (nod)

16-01-18, 08:50 PM
Opinions on showing her what I posted?

16-01-18, 08:56 PM
My wife - She is a superstar, the most determined, thoughtful and hardworking mum I could hope for. Yet we sit in silence of an evening until it is time to go to bed, wake up, and it all starts again. Where did it go so wrong? Why can't I tell her how I feel? Why can't it be liked it used to? I blame myself, for being selfish, for being lazy, for taking her for granted and not helping around the house (unless she asks me to) Why do I expect her to stick around when I am like I am.

I delt with this myself, sadly i did tell him how i felt, it didn't help in my favor. i hope better for you and your wife. All you can do is be honest right, maybe telling her exactly what you wrote and how you feel, it will be easier for you 2 to communicate. Im not the best advice giver, but i totally understand your feelings

16-01-18, 09:22 PM
Opinions on showing her what I posted? We can't answer that for you - but I can tell you that we do have private sections so should she wish to join too then you could both have separate areas where you could talk if that might help? We've had quite a few couples on here who have found that it's quite helpful...

Ezra A Adams
19-01-18, 12:30 PM
Opinions on showing her what I posted?

I would say, that if you struggle to communicate why not try "cushion dialogue". Start by saying you really want to hear where she is at. And maybe you do the listening first but if not then you have soemthing that needs to be shared

1. Create an enviroment to sit down where there are no distractions
2. Hold the cushion (teddy ..whatever) and ask her to listen to all you have to say. Tell her she is not allowed to comment but just listen.
3. Tell her she must not interupt and just listen.
4. At the end she is not to interpret just repeat what you said so you know she heard.
5. When you are satisfied she has heard then pass the cushion.
6. She can now respond and you must listen, do not interupt
7. When she is finsihed you must repeat what she said - do not comment or reflect
8. When she is happy you have heard, you repeat the process

Sometimes best done with someone making sure no-one butts in and making sure all elements are heard.

On hard topics my wife and I use this technique.