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Grey haze
05-01-18, 12:23 PM
Hi all
I am having a pretty hard time at the moment and I think some of it is returning to work after the break. I have very few friends and the ones I do have are 100s of miles away. Even then it is not really something I can really discuss with them. On Sunday night I spoke to my wife about how I felt and she basically said things are not right and you need to sort yourself out. Go and see the GP. She is very much the sort of person who is of the "Snap out of it" school of thought. It pretty much has made me feel un supported. She has had to put up with alot at the beginning of last year so I do understand her "tiredness" of the whole thing. My question is; where do others find support if not through family or friends?
Thanks you for reading.

Suzi
05-01-18, 12:37 PM
You have support here, you can try local Mind groups, the Samaritans, your GP for a referral to counselling?

JamieW
05-01-18, 01:04 PM
It's something we have to come to terms with .... it's incredibly hard for people 'outside' of your own head to understand what depression is and how you feel.
My wife is very much in the same position in terms of me trying to explain to her .... still don't think she does ....

But in the first instance definitely seek some professional help .... speak to your GP ... they will help .... also look at what counselling resources are available (GP can help if you can't find via google) - try "gloucestershire nhs talking therapies" .... its how i found my local one .... you can then generally 'self refer' to the service. Someone will call you to assess and discuss needs.

GP will / can refer you too anyway ...

The issue is that we cannot simply 'snap out of it' or just 'be happy' ... It is an illness .... you wouldn't tell someone with any other visible illness to just 'get better' but because this is hidden and, for me anyway, i function normally to the outside world, it's much more difficult for people to see .... i hide mine incredibly well so people had no idea i was screaming / collapsing inside my head

Hope you can get help soon .... please go to GP as soon as you can ... it's 1st step

Grey haze
05-01-18, 08:06 PM
Thanks Jamie. I did have some dealings last year, but had real difficulty arranging suitable appointments. I will try them again as I am feeling pretty lousy at the moment. I think my wife has just had enough of my flipping between short tempered and then a jibbering wreck. Nearly impossible to understand unless you have been there. I too am quite good at masking my illness from work, but it is now starting to be very difficult. I am much better in company so do try to get to the office rather than work from home. Problem was on Thursday it took all my will power to not drive past the office and hide in a wood or somwhere else.
I have anticipatory anxiety that nearly cripples me and even though I get constant proof that it never ever is as bad as expected, every meeting invite makes me feel dreadful. I need to get my medication looked at again but in 25 years, I have never been on anything that workes for any length of time.

Suzi
05-01-18, 10:31 PM
Then it's definitely time to talk again to your GP and maybe ask to be referred for psych as they can access different combinations etc...

Grey haze
05-01-18, 10:50 PM
I not sure really how to tackle the issue with the GP to be honest. I always go in with the expectation that I am asking for the impossible (in ten minutes anyway). I have an appointment Tuesday so will see what we can come up with. In the meantime just a case of grinding on.

Suzi
05-01-18, 11:07 PM
Can you either go in with bullet points written down or maybe try to book a double appointment (Holy Grail I know...)? Can you take someone with you?

Grey haze
05-01-18, 11:20 PM
I took my wife a few months ago and it got a bit difficult. I will try and put some bullet points together prior to the appointment. It takes about 3 weeks to get an appointment a 20 min session is probably a few months. I think if I do get some bullet points together it will help. Thank you

Suzi
06-01-18, 12:44 PM
In what way did it get difficult?

Paula
06-01-18, 12:46 PM
Have you looked at the Time to Change website? If you can talk to your wife about the information they have there, it might help?

Grey haze
06-01-18, 08:26 PM
In what way did it get difficult?
Trgger warning

Hi.
It was difficult as I am very non confrontational, whereas my wife is not. She was getting very agree that there was no real offer of help. Change the meds and wait for a few weeks is what I always get, but realistically what more can they do? Mental illness just does not play by the rules.
We have actually talked today (my wife and I) as I had a complete meltdown. We did agree that things are not right between us, but we can sort it out.
Unfortunately for me I seemed to have hit an all time low and my only real way of feeling better is believing I dont have to continue. I am unlikely to act on this as I know what it would mean to others, but for some reason, it calms me down.

Suzi
06-01-18, 09:26 PM
Oh sweetheart (bear)(bear)
Do you want to talk about why you had a breakdown? What about something like RELATE? Would you both be willing to give it a go?

Grey haze
06-01-18, 09:44 PM
I am not sure what the latest bout is, but the common theme is work. Where I work is not too bad, paid well and doing okay, but for years I have panicked about meetings and staying away. The problem is that the anxiety is so strong that it can litteraly leave me a wreck (like today). It is so rediculous that not being here at all seems preferable to having to cope. I cant give work up as we would be in financial trouble very quickly. I also know if I stopped, I would focus on something else as the problem. Ever decreasing circles kind of thing. Also as I have said, work is actually not at all bad compared to many. I am quite high up in the company and I feel like I have cornered myself by having to act at a certain level where all I really feel capable of is a far more menial role. I got an email about a meeting on the 30th that is within 100 mile from home so quite easy for me, but I felt like I had to do anything rather than go.
I've never had a meeting where anything has gone wrong, but my mind tells me it is impossible for me to go. This then feeds the depression.

Suzi
06-01-18, 11:30 PM
Can you analyse what it is about the meeting which is causing your anxiety to peak?

Grey haze
08-01-18, 11:17 PM
Not really. One of my fears is I lose my job, house family. It is the same fear I have had for years. I just cant see why that thought continues and why it feels like I have no options but to end it all. When I am at my worse (every day for the last week, not all day but for a few hours at best) it feels like I have no alternative. It is only the thought of leaving my children that holds me back. I cant understand why I dont think about my own self worth. I'm okay this evening but dont want to go to bed for it all to start again Tuesday.

Suzi
09-01-18, 09:43 AM
Remind me - are you on meds? Have you spoken to your Dr about how you are feeling honestly?

Grey haze
09-01-18, 11:34 AM
Just back from the docs. I was able to tell the doctor honestly as I had a small meltdown in the room. He thinks that I am under medicated for the severity of where I am. I have been on 45mg of Mirtazapine for about 5 months. He has said he will speak to the psychiatrist to see what medication I should be on but suggested fluoxetine. He has also referred me to the local psyc team for support. Being NHS I am not sure of what timescales we are talking about, but I feel a little better than before I went in. I had reached a point where I felt completely hopeless.

Paula
09-01-18, 01:29 PM
It’s horrible when a meltdown happens but im so glad it it meant your doctor could see what it’s really like. Try to be kind to yourself for the rest of the day, a morning like that is going to take it out of you (bear)

Suzi
09-01-18, 04:44 PM
I know it was horrible, but it really was about the best thing that could happen so that he could see how things really are. Well done lovely. I hope you're resting and being kind to yourself.

Grey haze
12-01-18, 11:25 PM
Doctor called today and said he had talked to the local psyc team and they have suggested adding 50mg of Sertraline to my current 45mg of Mirtazapine. He has also referred me for some therapy sessions with the same team. It has been a nasty week to be honest. As of Saturday morning I will be on both drugs. I have re read a book by Dr Mark Lewis and it has given me some good stratergies. Just got to put them into practice. Problem is when you are low, there seems to be so little hope.

Paula
13-01-18, 11:25 AM
Yeah, I know that feeling. It’s good that your team have a plan, recovery won’t happen overnight but this is definitely a step in the right direction

OldMike
13-01-18, 11:48 AM
As Suzi says recovery doesn't occur overnight, the main point is things are moving in the right direction.

Suzi
13-01-18, 01:52 PM
Glad that there is a plan which seems like a sensible one..

Grey haze
13-01-18, 10:28 PM
Day 1 of sertraline had a few surprises. I gave up reading AD side effect leaflets as they always suggest anything can happen. My digestive system nearly caught me out whilst out shopping with my son. I nearly took up permenant residence in the loo at home. I hope this wears off as it is going to make a 2 1/2 commute a bit of a gauntlet run.

Suzi
14-01-18, 11:40 AM
Sorry it wasn't much fun and hope it stops soon...

Paula
14-01-18, 12:41 PM
How are you today?

Grey haze
14-01-18, 05:56 PM
How are you today?

Sorry to be so gloomy, but not great. I am anxious about a meeting, but it is the fact that when this one is done, another will be arranged and we cycle again. It is not like there is really any "quiet" time in my head. As I said to my wife; it is impossible to escape from the thoughts. I know keeping distracted helps. Cleaned cars, fixed the shower, walked the dogs so trying to keep active. The Sertraline vs food issue did not happen today and that is good news.

Suzi
14-01-18, 09:16 PM
What kind of meeting?

Paula
14-01-18, 09:31 PM
It’s ok to say you’re not great, especially here (bear)

Grey haze
14-01-18, 10:52 PM
It’s ok to say you’re not great, especially here (bear)

Thank you for that. The meeting is the worse type for me as it is when I am completely passive. I just have to sit with 100 or so people and listen to 4hrs of presentations. I get panick attacks mainly because there is not much to do other than listen. What depresses me most is that I have done so many of these over the years, but they always affect me the same way.

Suzi
14-01-18, 11:00 PM
Do you have coping strategies in place? Sitting near a door? Can you get up and walk around in between presentations? Escape for a coffee/wee?

Paula
15-01-18, 11:45 AM
When is the meeting?

Grey haze
15-01-18, 09:03 PM
Hi all meeting is on the 31st. Bad day today, working from home and here alone. Head in hands most of the day, felt better when the kids got home. I then got an email from a friend who has just flown to Amsterdam and I am now feeling sorry for myself as I know that I could not make the trip without huge anxiety. However, not feeling as bad as I was this morning...

Suzi
15-01-18, 10:14 PM
I couldn't make a trip like that without massive anxiety and I don't have a diagnosed anxiety issue... Don't beat yourself up over it..
If you were struggling during the day, why didn't you make contact with us?

Grey haze
15-01-18, 10:49 PM
I couldn't make a trip like that without massive anxiety and I don't have a diagnosed anxiety issue... Don't beat yourself up over it..
If you were struggling during the day, why didn't you make contact with us?

I must admit, I didnt think to. I usually only come on in the evenings...I will do next time. I'm at home working on Thursday so will do. I am in the office Tuesday and although during the (long) drive and right up to getting out of the car, I hate the thought of being there. However, I usually feel better afterwards. Distractions I suppose. As much as I find it hard, I think work is what keeps me on track.

Suzi
15-01-18, 11:12 PM
There's normally people about here so always worth popping on and getting the thoughts out of your head...