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Jaquaia
01-01-18, 07:09 PM
New year, new thread etc etc...


The New Year generally sees people reflecting on the year just past and making resolutions for the year to come. I don't make resolutions as I find it puts too much pressure on myself to achieve and when I fail, it becomes a stick to beat myself with. I try and take each day as it comes and focus on the good things as and when they happen. Sometimes I have to take the smallest things as a victory, and that's ok. Achievements don't have to be huge to count.

I have struggled with my mental health for more than a decade now. I have been medicated since I was 22 and have had so much counselling I've lost count. Nothing has helped much. I'm on the 8th different antidepressant and have been told by my gp that if this one doesn't work then they don't know what else they can give me. I have had 4 referrals to the psychiatric team and have been turned away each time as not being ill enough for their help. Somedays it feels like an uphill struggle just to get out of bed in the morning, but despite the huge affect depression is having on my life, I'm not ill enough... makes sense doesn't it! Mood swings and irritability seem to be my normal now.

2017 has been a difficult year for me. I have been trying to deal with the aftermath of a violent sexual assault, not to mention the after effects of a mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and the debt that has left me with, and I have had to cope with being more alone then I have ever felt in my whole life.
I have wanted to give up so many times, I have even planned how I would do it to make sure I inconvenience as few people as possible. I have had to fight the urge to hurt myself more times than I care to admit. On top of this, I have recently been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and have had to cope with getting that under control while caring full time for my mum.
I have no friends locally, so have had to deal with most things on my own. I have friends I speak to online, but I'm stubborn and don't tend to lean on them as I don't think it's fair.

The last few months have really changed things for me though, things have started looking brighter. I feel a lot happier. I reconnected with an old friend from my uni days, and in doing so I found my soulmate. He is there for me to lean on and encourages me no matter what. He sees me for who I really am and accepts me for that, flaws and quirks included. I strengthened my friendships with some very special people, one of whom added me to this group, and I have found incredible support from the admin team and the group.
I now feel like I can achieve so much more, I just need a bit more support than most people to work my way around my anxiety and the bad days. And I want to carry on making this progress in the New Year.

I'm aiming to do my Level 1 in Counselling in February, and if successful, to take it further and qualify to be able to help people. I want to be able to help people out of the black hole I have spent most of my adult life in.
In May I get to go see a band I have loved since my uni days and I am so excited!

2018 is already looking better and it hasn't even started yet. I will not let this illness break me.

This is something I posted on a fb depression group I currently admin. It's the most open I have ever been on there, and probably on here for a while too. I don't know, I find it much easier to hide and focus on trying to support others. It's something I need to work on really, it's all too easily to gloss over how I feel and talk about the mundane stuff.

Suzi
01-01-18, 08:19 PM
That's so balanced and so positive. You are amazing.

I wish you would lean on us/me more though x

Jaquaia
01-01-18, 08:24 PM
I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.

Suzi
01-01-18, 08:26 PM
You're right, it doesn't.. You're amazing.

Paula
01-01-18, 08:41 PM
I am going to try. It does me no good whatsoever to keep everything locked up in my head.

So wonderful to hear you say that (Kiss)

Jaquaia
01-01-18, 08:52 PM
I'm not always the sharpest knife in the drawer but I get there eventually ;)

Not looking forward to next week.

Suzi
01-01-18, 10:19 PM
Talk us through what's in your head - maybe tonight or tomorrow...

Jaquaia
01-01-18, 11:00 PM
Next week is a busy week. I hadn't realised just how busy until just now. On Monday I have a telephone appointment with Kate from Weightwise, followed by my colposcopy. Tuesday I have a doctors appointment. Wednesday I have an appointment with the dietician and Thursday I have counselling. I may have dropped the ball a bit there!

Paula
02-01-18, 08:57 AM
Can you have a quiet week this week then, to collate spoons?

Suzi
02-01-18, 11:42 AM
I agree with Paula lovely - can you rest now?

Jaquaia
02-01-18, 12:45 PM
I have blood tests today, seeing J tomorrow although he will make me rest!!! The rest of the week nothing, so I will try

Suzi
02-01-18, 05:26 PM
How's today been?

Jaquaia
02-01-18, 05:31 PM
Been for my bloods taking, finally confessed to my mum about monday to be met with the expected drama, and had a chat with J on the phone :) not too bad so far but I'm tired!!!!

Suzi
02-01-18, 05:55 PM
What drama did you get?

OldMike
02-01-18, 05:57 PM
A very positive and awesome first post Jaq (bear) (panda)

Jaquaia
02-01-18, 06:12 PM
What drama did you get?

What??? Why do you have to have that done??? Have you heard this???? (To my dad) When did you find out???? Why didn't you tell us????

To be perfectly honest, because it's no ones business but my own (though J is claiming the brownie points for persuading me to go in the first place ^)), it's not a huge deal but I knew she would react like that, and because I didn't want her getting on the phone and telling every Tom, Dick and Harry!!! Which she does as I knew when my sister had to go for one.

Paula
02-01-18, 06:18 PM
Honestly, lovely, if I’d had that same conversation with Katie, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have reacted the same. Doesn’t matter how old they are, our children will always be our babies and we’ll always worry about them

Flo
02-01-18, 07:22 PM
I know what Paula means....if mums and co are kept out of the loop a 'reaction' is what you can expect. Years ago I was due to be sterilised so didn't want to advertise it and worry mum and dad and the rest of the family...well! you don't do you?....I mentioned it to a friend of my mother in passing...blah..blah..blah..and the phone never stopped ringing! Exactly the same response you had....if anything had happened to me under anaesthetic ...I never thought of that.

However, I'm so pleased that life and love are being kind to you. You'll make an amazing counsellor. You're astute and clever and kind...and if you've 'been there, done that, and got the Tee shirt and the mug'....it will be even more helpful to people. You'll be a natural. Good luck!;)

magie06
02-01-18, 08:18 PM
I'm delighted that you had your bloods done. I hope you've not had a bruise. Last time I actually didn't bruise - I actually haven't had the results of the last bloods yet. Probably stuck in the Christmas post.

Suzi
02-01-18, 08:58 PM
I think I'd have wanted to know too.... Sorry love....

Did you ever ask J to go with you?

Jaquaia
02-01-18, 10:17 PM
I didn't as he's working. I'll be ok.

My brother came for tea tonight and he agreed with me that it's her complete lack of boundaries, which she turned into us saying she was a bad parent...she's good at the guilt trip thing. I love my brother to bits though! He had my back and told her straight to stop being dramatic. If she was more reasonable about things then I probably wouldn't have been so reluctant to tell her.

magie06
03-01-18, 10:15 AM
My mum used to be like that Jaquaia. Before I got married I was still living at home, and my mum always had something to say about me. It could have been about staying out late on a Saturday night, about not looking after my health, not eating properly, anything and everything. I think all mums are like that. It's like when you get handed your tiny baby there is an unwritten code passed on as well. I don't know if this helps any but it's really not uncommon for mums to rant and rave.

Suzi
03-01-18, 09:48 PM
Oh hunni, my Mum is exactly like that too. She can be a real bitch when she wants to.... (panda)

Jaquaia
03-01-18, 10:03 PM
Had a lovely morning with J, I've really missed him! I relaxed so much with him that I fell asleep in his arms while we were cuddled up watching GoT. That is huge for me. I can never normally relax enough to sleep while someone is touching me but I trust him completely

Suzi
03-01-18, 10:45 PM
That's so lovely! I wish you had that all the time. You deserve it so much.

Jaquaia
03-01-18, 11:12 PM
It will happen in time :)

Suzi
04-01-18, 09:31 AM
Glad to hear it x

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 03:13 PM
45 minutes since my appointment time and I'm still sat in the waiting room. This is fun! Not!!!

S deleted
08-01-18, 03:20 PM
I gotta admit that would seriously do my head in too

Suzi
08-01-18, 03:32 PM
You doing OK love?

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 03:49 PM
Just on my way home. Feeling really uncomfortable at the moment. She said it doesn't look like there is anything to worry about but she took a biopsy anyway to make sure. And then dropped it so had to take another biopsy. And then found the first biopsy when she removed the speculum. So yeah, owwww.

S deleted
08-01-18, 04:01 PM
It’s over with now. I prescribe chocolate as a reward.

Paula
08-01-18, 04:52 PM
Well done, lovely (bear)

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 05:05 PM
Chocolate eaten, currently lying curled up on my bed as owwwww!

I bought this slinky little number last week;
http://m.asos.com/asos-curve/asos-curve-slinky-wrap-cold-shoulder-midi-dress/prd/8991399?clr=navy&SearchQuery=&cid=9578&gridcolumn=2&gridrow=32&gridsize=2&pge=3&pgesize=72&totalstyles=412

It arrived today and oh my god it's stunning! It looks and feels amazing and actually really suits me! I love it! It's probably the most feminine thing I own.

Paula
08-01-18, 05:18 PM
Oh wow!!!!!!

magie06
08-01-18, 05:29 PM
That is beautiful.

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 05:48 PM
I love it! It's the 2nd dress I've bought in the past 2 weeks but this is my favourite. Going to save it to wear to the dinner in May and not get too drunk or I'll be showing more then I want to!!! (giggle)

Suzi
08-01-18, 07:50 PM
Erm, do we get a sneak preview?

So proud of you for going lovely you are amazing.

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 09:00 PM
Ok, it's pretty daring for me and it means I need to go bra shopping! But here you go...

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7m8eppxdq3iv3ii/20180108_153718.jpg?dl=0

Feeling pretty uncomfortable still but hopefully it will wear off soon.

magie06
08-01-18, 09:55 PM
You look absolutely fantastic. Wow! (y)

Suzi
08-01-18, 10:03 PM
You look awesome! :)

Jaquaia
08-01-18, 10:46 PM
Thanks ladies :) I surprised myself by actually buying it!

Feel absolutely shattered tonight, and only 1 appointment down.

Paula
09-01-18, 12:34 AM
Beautiful!

What’s on the agenda tomorrow?

Jaquaia
09-01-18, 12:42 AM
Doctors to review my med increase. Probably a good idea as I'm currently laid in bed shaking and don't want to close my eyes

Angie
09-01-18, 09:08 AM
That dress is lovely and lovely on you hunni,

Suzi
09-01-18, 09:51 AM
Why didn't you want to close your eyes lovely?

Paula
09-01-18, 10:32 AM
How are you?

Jaquaia
09-01-18, 12:07 PM
Feeling pretty low today. The pain from the procedure reminded me of how I felt after the assault in May, and if I'm honest, it was starting to make me feel very off while I was still on the table. I got through ok until I got into bed though. Every time I closed my eyes I could see what he did to me. J rang me as he drove home from work though, hearing his voice helped calm me a hell of a lot.

Paula
09-01-18, 01:26 PM
(bear) thank you for telling us, lovely, I know how hard that is (bear)

Suzi
09-01-18, 04:43 PM
I am so proud of you for telling us. It's so hard to do. Have you thought about speaking to specialist counsellors?

Jaquaia
09-01-18, 05:07 PM
I haven't. It's hard enough to talk in regular counselling sometimes.

Just got out of the doctors. He's leaving my medication as it is at the moment as he feels his hands are tied with what he can try me on as I've tried pretty much everything he can give me. He's made a note that I can have some quite high moods too so he's decided to write for some advice from the Rapid Response team and see what they suggest. He checked my phone number so I think I can expect a call off them sometime soon.

Suzi
09-01-18, 05:42 PM
I hope so love.

The thing with specialist counselling is that they know why you're there and will be able to help you break into it and talk about it.. I'm not going to push, but I wouldn't be where I am today without having some..

Jaquaia
09-01-18, 09:56 PM
I will think about it Suzi.

Skin is crawling tonight. Just had a shower, which has helped a bit, and once my hair is dry I'm planning on starting a boxset to distract me, but I have a really strong urge to scratch and I'm agitated.

magie06
09-01-18, 11:00 PM
Well done with all you've been through in the last day or two. You are doing so well. I'll leave a hug for you. (panda)

Paula
09-01-18, 11:06 PM
Sweetie, yesterday was a trauma and you’ve got to do the waiting game for the results. Do whatever you need to to recover from this and don’t beat yourself up - any woman would need space to get her head round this (panda)

Jaquaia
09-01-18, 11:51 PM
I'm trying to relax and cut myself some slack but I'm feeling so agitated that it's difficult. I'm clenching my jaw and finding it very difficult to relax, I've hardly drank anything today and only just realised. I will do better tomorrow as J is coming round and tends to kick my arse if I don't look after myself. I'm finding it difficult to sit still, and just want to scratch so figuring sitting swinging my legs and keeping my fingers busy is the lesser of two evils. Despite my hands flaring up. And my thoughts are racing, even typing this everything feels very disjointed.

Suzi
10-01-18, 09:29 AM
How are you today lovely? I'm sorry yesterday wasn't brilliant, but you did so well love.

Jaquaia
10-01-18, 12:14 PM
I'm plodding. Seeing J today so happy about that :) and I've lost 3kg since I was weighed at the hospital so happy about that too! Other then that, slightly on edge.

Suzi
10-01-18, 01:51 PM
Well done on the weightloss - how are you doing it?

Jaquaia
10-01-18, 03:00 PM
My eating and drinking isn't great at the moment, especiallybwith being poorly over christmas.

Suzi
10-01-18, 06:25 PM
Oh lovely, can you add that into things to try hard with?

Jaquaia
10-01-18, 06:34 PM
And I've just chickened out answering the phone to the mental health team as I was in the car with my parents! I'm pathetic!

Suzi
10-01-18, 09:12 PM
Why didn't you want to talk to them?

Jaquaia
10-01-18, 09:40 PM
I won't speak to them in front of people as I would downplay how much I struggle. I rang them back and the woman who left the voicemail said it wasn't her! They've said I'll get another call.

Suzi
10-01-18, 09:50 PM
OK lovely... Hope you speak to them tomorrow..

Paula
11-01-18, 11:58 AM
Hi Hunni, how are you?

Jaquaia
11-01-18, 12:08 PM
I'm tired. Had counselling this morning and my thoughts were so jumbled that I struggled to remember what I was talking about. I've told her about my gp's referral and she's going to email their clinical lead too about it and see what they can do.
Still playing telephone tennis with the rapid response team too, they rang as I was leaving for counselling. They've said they'll call back this afternoon.

Suzi
11-01-18, 04:16 PM
Have you heard anything yet? Be honest with them love.
Glad that the counsellor is going to be in touch with them too...

Jaquaia
11-01-18, 04:21 PM
Not a dickiebird yet

magie06
11-01-18, 05:03 PM
You are probably tired after this morning. Any chance you would be kind to yourself this afternoon?

Jaquaia
11-01-18, 05:58 PM
I've just been laid watching No Offence. Still waiting for this phone call too!

Paula
11-01-18, 08:29 PM
Well done for resting. Anything on the phone front?

Jaquaia
11-01-18, 09:01 PM
Nothing at all

Suzi
11-01-18, 11:43 PM
Can you try and call them tomorrow?

Jaquaia
12-01-18, 12:09 AM
I will see if they ring me tomorrow, I know that the service is stretched and I wasn't referred as an emergency.

I've been an absolute nightmare tonight, or I think I have been, and J has sat and talked me through it all. It's thrown me a bit as I'm not used to people bothering when I'm in a bad place.

But for those of you who haven't seen on fb. I've bitten the bullet and applied for a BSc in Psychology with Counselling through the Open University. I found out a little while ago that my funding is all in place and I start studying the first module at the end of the month :)

Suzi
12-01-18, 08:58 AM
That's brilliant! Well done!

In what way were you a nightmare?

Paula
12-01-18, 10:22 AM
I am so proud of you!

Jaquaia
12-01-18, 10:35 AM
In what way were you a nightmare?

I was feeling very insecure and questionning everything, as well as tearing myself down as I didn't feel worthy of anything good. I'm expecting a few Gibbs slaps for that today!!! But he never once told me I was being stupid, he was just there.

Suzi
12-01-18, 03:17 PM
He shouldn't tell you that you are stupid because you aren't... Mistaken when you feel like that definitely, as you are very definitely worth lots of good things!

WTF is a gibbs slap?

Jaquaia
12-01-18, 05:13 PM
You've never seen NCIS then? (giggle) type Gibbs slap in to the gif part on messenger and you'll see. It's my own fault for teaching him bad habits.
He never fails to make me feel like I am special to him or make sure that I'm ok before he leaves. I'm not used to it.

Finally had that phone call! The woman I spoke to feels that I would be best to have a face to face assesment with a mental health professional. Not going to hold my breath.

Suzi
12-01-18, 09:07 PM
That sounds really positive hunni... I know you don't hold your breathe, but it might be different this time?

Jaquaia
12-01-18, 10:00 PM
They've said the waiting list is currently 6-8 weeks so all I can do is wait and see.

My study materials arrived tonight. The first assignment is due the 15th February and the self-doubt is already creeping in.

Paula
12-01-18, 10:02 PM
There’s no room for self doubt on this bread young lady!!! You’ll smash it :)

Suzi
12-01-18, 10:10 PM
No self doubt or you'll have to upload things here and we'll have to proofread ;)

Jaquaia
13-01-18, 03:09 PM
Bad day today. Took me hours to get up, mood is generally low and I'm agitated and irritable.

S deleted
13-01-18, 03:32 PM
Snap!

Paula
13-01-18, 08:18 PM
(panda) for both of you

Suzi
13-01-18, 09:13 PM
(bear) Marc's been similar... So I sympathise..

Jaquaia
13-01-18, 09:28 PM
Going to get into my pjs and try and do some colouring. Getting so tired of fighting all the time

Suzi
13-01-18, 09:44 PM
I know love, I know... (bear)

Jaquaia
14-01-18, 11:19 PM
I wish I could have some stability. I've been very agitated all day and found it difficult to control urges. I changed my bedding because the thought that I needed to just kept going round and round my head and wouldn't stop. It's like the longer I left it the louder it got. Found it very difficult to not spend either. And now that mood has broke I've spent the last hour flopped face down on my bed and exhausted.

Suzi
15-01-18, 08:55 AM
That kind of cyclical thought and mood is exhausting so not surprised that you needed to flop. Can you make sure you've got this all ready to show/talk through to the mh team?

Paula
15-01-18, 11:42 AM
(panda)

Suzi
15-01-18, 12:39 PM
How are you doing?

OldMike
15-01-18, 01:13 PM
(bear) (panda)

Jaquaia
15-01-18, 01:33 PM
I'm tired and feeling a bit out of it today. Hard to explain, on edge/agitated/irritable, yet at the same time exhausted, finding it hard to sit still and also feel slightly detached. I was talking to J at 5am this morning, so not slept well. I eventually dozed off again at half 7.

Had Ash having a bit of a strop last week because I didn't reply to a rude message. Apparently in his head, friends comes with occasional benefits. He's decided not to contact me anymore, and to be honest, it's no huge loss. Had an email off dickhead too from another account, begging me to talk to me so he can help me out.

Suzi
15-01-18, 03:09 PM
I thought you were going to stop things with Ash and dickhead after their last strops? Please do lovely, you don't need their (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear)...

Jaquaia
15-01-18, 04:44 PM
Ash I had left alone but I hadn't blocked him. Dickhead I haven't spoken to him since I last said, he used a secondary email address, but I just deleted it.

Suzi
15-01-18, 05:16 PM
You deserve better than those pair of d*ckheads...

Jaquaia
15-01-18, 05:53 PM
I have better. It may take some time to get there, but I'm a lot happier then I have been in a long time.

S deleted
15-01-18, 07:48 PM
I’ve said it before. Block them cos they can’t offer anything positive to your life and are only going to drag you down.

Paula
15-01-18, 09:36 PM
^^^wss

Suzi
15-01-18, 10:29 PM
Also agree totally...

Jaquaia
15-01-18, 11:13 PM
I have blocked dickhead. I blocked him ages ago, I thought I'd mentioned it. His email was from another account as I blocked his email too. He has several accounts and I don't know them all.

Suzi
15-01-18, 11:19 PM
Block each one you come across love... Why haven't you blocked Ash?

Jaquaia
15-01-18, 11:44 PM
Honestly? I don't know. I can only guess that he made such a huge thing over always having me in his life and made me feel so bad for hurting him that I felt guilty.

Paula
16-01-18, 10:09 AM
You hurting him? No, love, that’s so not what happened

Suzi
16-01-18, 10:29 AM
But he treated you like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). A lot of what he said just didn't add up - such as him being in the same hospital as you, but not being able to give you 5 mins just to say hello.... Really hunni, he's not worth the space in your head. Delete and move on...

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 11:24 AM
Maybe I just got so used to being treated like that, it became normal. It's taking a while to get used to how J treats me as I've never been treated so well.

Suzi
16-01-18, 02:27 PM
See.. we told you that he was treating you like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). Now you can see the difference....

Repeat after me.... Yes Suzi you were right. I am worth being treated like a Princess.

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 03:42 PM
Erm...can't I just say you're right?

Got my appointment through to see the mental health response team. 16th Feb. Not going to hold my breath, I've seen her before and she's one of them who told me I wasn't ill enough.

S deleted
16-01-18, 04:20 PM
Can you ask to see someone else?

OldMike
16-01-18, 04:21 PM
See.. we told you that he was treating you like (swear)(swear)(swear)(swear). Now you can see the difference....

Repeat after me.... Yes Suzi you were right. I am worth being treated like a Princess.

We have our very own Princess Sparkles, now we have our very own Princess Jaq in the DWD family. and Suzi is right you do deserve to be treated like a princess. (bear)

Paula
16-01-18, 04:48 PM
Can you ask to see someone else?

I’m with Stella on this one, can’t you tell them you’ve had problems with this person in the past?

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 04:55 PM
I don't know. They have far less options with me now because I've tried so many more ADs and I'm in counselling. I'm going to take my mood diary too.

Struggling today. I've already bitten my mums head off just trying to get in the lift to the first floor at the hospital! I've been awake since just before 5 again, I'm very agitated and wound up and feel ready to snap

S deleted
16-01-18, 05:05 PM
If you don’t feel comfortable seeing her you should be able to request to see someone different and you don’t have to give a reason

Paula
16-01-18, 05:26 PM
Sweetie, if they can stabilise me with meds, they can stabilise you. It takes a lot of different meds to get there and then I have my ‘maintenance level’ of lithium plus 2 ADs plus pregabalin for anxiety plus diazepam prn - they can add in the others when I’m in crisis. Do you see what I’m saying? Even my maintenance meds are more than most people are on at their worst. If they can do this for me, they can do similar for you.

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 06:20 PM
I just need someone to look at me and say this has been going on for long enough now, we need to think outside the box. Paroxetine has been about the best AD I've been on and that only really takes the edge off, it stops the constant thoughts of wishing I wasn't here or wanting to hurt myself but my moods are still really unstable. I have a constant urge to spend money on stuff I don't need, which is getting harder to ignore.

I'm just tired.

S deleted
16-01-18, 06:43 PM
I can totally relate to the spending urges. Anything to make you feel better. Since my recent financial restraints I’ve been trying to find other things which aren’t too destructive to get my fix instead.

Suzi
16-01-18, 08:48 PM
I agree, ask to see someone different...

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 10:16 PM
I think I'll stick with her as the second one I saw was even worse and I can remember her name

Suzi
16-01-18, 10:24 PM
Then can you get someone to go with you? What about J?

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 10:55 PM
He's offered as soon as I told him actually. I wasn't expecting it.

Suzi
16-01-18, 11:31 PM
Good! So he should! :) You have accepted haven't you?

Jaquaia
16-01-18, 11:47 PM
Erm... I told him he was awesome and avoided answering...

Suzi
17-01-18, 09:11 AM
Why wouldn't you accept?

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 11:43 AM
Because I'm stubborn! That and I'm so used to doing everything on my own.

Paula
17-01-18, 11:47 AM
Do you want me to come up there and shout at you??? Take J with you! Maybe he’ll actually be able to tell them what you’re not!

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 12:46 PM
Erm...I imagine you'd be quite scary!!!

Suzi
17-01-18, 01:28 PM
Or Paula and I will both come up and frog march you (between mobility aids) there and tell this woman exactly how bad things have been because I don't think for one second that you tell us how bad things really are...... So you say yes to J or you get us.....

S deleted
17-01-18, 02:19 PM
Given that choice Jaq definitely take J lol

Paula
17-01-18, 02:26 PM
Erm...I imagine you'd be quite scary!!!

Very.

Suzi
17-01-18, 04:23 PM
I'm happy to put something in writing to see if it helps?

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 06:46 PM
I don't know what will help if I'm honest. I was very flippant when talking about it to my counsellor.

S deleted
17-01-18, 06:53 PM
Can I suggest you take up Suzi’s offer of putting something in writing for you, if only to read yourself and relay the comments in your own words cos I can tell you first hand just how perceptive she is.

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 06:54 PM
That makes a lot of sense actually

Suzi
17-01-18, 10:26 PM
Do you want me to try to write you a list?

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 10:32 PM
It might be worth it as I'm sure you've noticed things I've missed

S deleted
17-01-18, 10:44 PM
Be prepared for a shock.

Suzi
17-01-18, 11:05 PM
OK, I'll start that tomorrow - happy for me to post it here?

Jaquaia
17-01-18, 11:05 PM
I think so!!

Suzi
17-01-18, 11:07 PM
Cool beans..

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 12:45 PM
Woken up feeling pretty low today. It seems to be a constant cycle at the moment and I'm tired.

Suzi
18-01-18, 02:04 PM
Am working on your list ;)

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 04:36 PM
You know it's been a bad day when tears are never far away and when going over the bridge, your only thought is how inviting the water looks.

Suzi
18-01-18, 04:39 PM
Oh angel (bear)(bear)

Suzi
18-01-18, 08:24 PM
Would you like the list so far or would you rather wait till tomorrow when you might be feeling brighter?

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 08:31 PM
Now is fine xx

Suzi
18-01-18, 10:10 PM
This is a quick list... It's not complete and I haven't checked through it... I don't mean to upset you in anything I've said..

Jaq:



Mood swings - often, violently swinging to extreme to extreme with little happening to justify that change

Irritability - excessive and very short tempered

Extreme low self worth

Self neglecting behaviour - not eating and drinking properly - risk taking behaviour - urges to spend money

Severe depressive moods

No interest

Pain

Fatigue

Doesn’t want to burden anyone with how you are really feeling.

Feels a failure

Doesn’t think she’s worth being treated with respect

Convinced she is worth no more than being used and abused

Struggles with being around people, but also craving company

Feelings of wanting to die almost constantly

Has planned several ways of ending her life

Struggles with accepting help/support from anyone

Over independent - would rather go without than ask for help

Feels incredibly guilty for asking for help from GP

Has no idea why anyone would want to be her friend

Emotions are linked to other people - more dependently than would be expected.

Lack of concentration

Lack of self care

Struggles to stand up for herself

Struggles to say exactly how she feels

Not open about how things really are

Feels little purpose in seeing 2ndary services as they haven’t been of help previously when she’s seen them

Feels that she’s going crazy

Been told previously that she’s not ill enough for 2ndry care, yet gp needs help

Tried many medications

Keeps most traumatic things locked away and refuses to talk about them

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 10:17 PM
Wow! I can't argue with any of that!

Suzi
18-01-18, 10:18 PM
You OK? Have I upset you?

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 10:27 PM
I'm ok. Not upset at all. Feeling a lot more rational now really, shut myself away in my room and done some colouring. Have to admit that I'm struggling to focus; it's taken me 2 and a half hours to do a tiny bit, and my hands are flaring a bit which hasn't helped. And I feel like I'm rambling a bit...

It's scary how perceptive you are!

S deleted
18-01-18, 10:29 PM
I did warn you lol

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 10:30 PM
(rofl) that you did!

S deleted
18-01-18, 10:31 PM
Suzi is the all seeing eye

magie06
18-01-18, 10:32 PM
Would you mind terribly if I took some of them from the list and gave it to Michelle tomorrow? If you object I really don't mind. It's just that an awful lot of them relate to me at the moment. But I wouldn't be able to say them to her.

Jaquaia
18-01-18, 10:34 PM
Not at all!

Suzi
18-01-18, 11:05 PM
Suzi is the all seeing eye

ROFL I wouldn't say that...

Jaquaia
19-01-18, 05:55 PM
Today has been much better then yesterday, though to be honest, it couldn't have been much worse really. My friend Annie told me off for not talking to her when I'm bad, J made me promise that I will always talk to him when I'm struggling, I think I scared him a bit. So been given loads of hugs from J today and he wouldn't leave until he'd made sure I was ok.

So yes Suzi, totally getting your point about not reaching out for support!

Suzi
19-01-18, 06:06 PM
Good!

Jaquaia
19-01-18, 10:03 PM
I feel exhausted tonight, mentally exhausted. I was awake at 5am again and I think I've just probably reached my limit.

Suzi
19-01-18, 10:08 PM
Can you get an earlier night?

Jaquaia
19-01-18, 10:14 PM
I've been in bed before 11 the last few nights and as soon as I lay down I'm wide awake.

Suzi
19-01-18, 10:16 PM
Can you try reading or listening to music or something?

Jaquaia
19-01-18, 10:23 PM
Listening to music now and always have books on my bedside table. Have blue light switched off on my phone too so don't have that fooling my brain into thinking its daylight thing going on.

Suzi
19-01-18, 10:26 PM
Well done lovely... What about trying some meditation?

Jaquaia
19-01-18, 11:03 PM
I can try. Just so tired.

Suzi
19-01-18, 11:16 PM
Then just rest love...

Paula
20-01-18, 11:09 AM
Hi Hunni, did you get any sleep?

Suzi
20-01-18, 11:48 AM
How are you feeling today? What plans have you got for the weekend?

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 01:09 PM
I did sleep but not well. Feeling utterly exhausted now and very very flat. Planning on just pottering and doing stuff for me.

Suzi
20-01-18, 01:14 PM
That sounds like a good idea...

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 01:38 PM
I have them occasionally (giggle)

Only just eaten and not even medicated yet

Suzi
20-01-18, 04:56 PM
Hope you've eaten and are doing OK lovely..

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 05:31 PM
I had a chicken wrap. Came upstairs about half 1 but didn't have the energy to do anything so just been laid reading for the last hour

Suzi
20-01-18, 08:07 PM
Could it be that you need the rest?

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 08:26 PM
I don't know. J rang me and we ended up chatting for 40 minutes, it felt like a lot shorter! Except I started crying and was unable to hide it from him. And yes, I know I shouldn't hide things and he told me that too, but it's still taking some getting used to having someone who wants to look after me and help me through the bad times. And today is a bad day, had a few thoughts that all it would take is a handful of pills and everything would be quiet. So staying upstairs and reading makes me focus

Paula
20-01-18, 08:34 PM
I’m sorry it’s been so tough today, love. Well done for talking to J

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 09:06 PM
He can read me really well, even via text, so I can't get much by him. Feeling more level after speaking to him and reading for a bit.

Suzi
20-01-18, 09:46 PM
Oh sweetheart, I'm sorry it's been such a tough day x

Jaquaia
20-01-18, 10:15 PM
I'll live. I always get through.

magie06
21-01-18, 06:57 AM
You are up early?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 06:59 AM
I've been awake before 5am pretty much every day this week. Didn't fall asleep til almost 2am either.

magie06
21-01-18, 07:06 AM
I'm the opposite. I've no problem getting to sleep about 11.30 or 12 but I've been awake since 3.23. Can't sleep. Too many thoughts going through my head. Every time I close my eyes all I can see is the inside of the hospital. The doors locked and no way out.

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 07:16 AM
It's understandable you feeling like that. We're all behind you (panda)

magie06
21-01-18, 07:19 AM
I've a phone call from the MH nurse later. I don't know what to tell her. If I tell her the truth, then for sure I'm going to have to go to be assessed. But if I don't tell her what chance have I of getting better?

Suzi
21-01-18, 11:36 AM
How are you Jaq?

Magie - I'm going to reply on your thread as I have a few thoughts to share...

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 11:55 AM
At the moment I'm feeling empty but I'll take that over suicidal any day.

Suzi
21-01-18, 12:09 PM
Absolutely - have you been keeping track of your moods so you can show them? When is your appointment?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 12:21 PM
16th feb. Been posting it on here. Just need to write it all out.

Suzi
21-01-18, 12:34 PM
Why not make a start? Thing is is this an accurate record - have you been 100% honest and put each mood change and what's been the thing that has caused it?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 01:29 PM
A lot of the time I don't know what has caused it. Sometimes the thoughts are just there.

I've been a lot more honest then I have been previously.

Suzi
21-01-18, 01:59 PM
Good!

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 04:38 PM
Been for cuddles with Scarlett, found it difficult as my mum insisted on talking to me when I just really wanted leaving alone. Feeling a little agitated now.

Suzi
21-01-18, 06:30 PM
What was talking to you about?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 07:04 PM
It was just random, everyday chatter. I just couldn't handle it and wanted to be left alone.

Suzi
21-01-18, 07:17 PM
Fair enough..

How are you doing now love?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 07:41 PM
I'm tired. My head seems to be all over the place, I feel exhausted yet I'm itching to do something. It's driving me bonkers.

Suzi
21-01-18, 08:36 PM
I can sympathise with the exhaustion lovely... Can you maybe try a bit of knitting or reading or writing?

Paula
21-01-18, 09:21 PM
Have you done he bead pictures recently? They’re distracting but not overly taxing itms. It might help ....

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 09:24 PM
I've showered so drying my hair and getting in to pjs while I watch the railway programme on 4 then may read.


Have you done he bead pictures recently? They’re distracting but not overly taxing itms. It might help ....

I've not bought any for ages. I need to look for some really or start sketching again.

Suzi
21-01-18, 10:12 PM
Can you put together a distraction box or something?

Jaquaia
21-01-18, 10:58 PM
My room is one big distraction box! Got a huge stack of books to read, jigsaws, colouring books, sketch books, note books, my knitting is hanging off the back of my door, my wii is all connected, loads of dvds, music...

magie06
22-01-18, 09:00 AM
How are you?

Suzi
22-01-18, 09:23 AM
My room is one big distraction box! Got a huge stack of books to read, jigsaws, colouring books, sketch books, note books, my knitting is hanging off the back of my door, my wii is all connected, loads of dvds, music...
OK, but is it a calm and restful place too? Do you have an area which is just calm and just for sleep or are you doing the above things on your bed? It might be what's making sleeping more difficult...

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 11:19 AM
It's a little cluttered at the moment but I'm working on it. Can't fit a desk in so have to do stuff on my bed but there's always background noise when I'm doing something and it's always quiet and dark when I'm settling down for sleep. Falling asleep isn't the problem, it's staying asleep.

Had a bad night last night. Ended up crying again and then scratching my arm up. I've had my orders from J; I'm to get up, eat, drink, take my meds and then take it easy for the rest of the day. I swear he's channeling you lot!!!

Paula
22-01-18, 11:41 AM
That’s cos we all care about you, love ;)

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 12:55 PM
I know. And I can recognise that I'm really not well at the moment so maybe need that push to look after myself better.

Paula
22-01-18, 12:56 PM
Recognising it is a huge step in the right direction

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 02:51 PM
I've come upstairs to read but struggling to keep my eyes open.

Paula
22-01-18, 02:56 PM
Then maybe you need to rest, maybe sleep?

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 03:28 PM
Maybe so but I worry I wouldn't sleep tonight.

Suzi
22-01-18, 03:47 PM
When's your next appointments? J is right, you need to rest and you need to take time to realise that everything that is going on in your head is exhausting. What about meditation?

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 05:56 PM
My mum sees the OT on friday and I have bloods and rheumatology next Tuesday and counselling the 1st. Spent almost 2 hours on the phone with J, who then popped to see me for half an hour after he finished work, he wanted to see for himself that I was ok and then told me off for trying to hide it from him. Like he said, he can tell through text when I aren't right, he can definitely tell when he can hear my voice. So feeling a bit brighter now after hugs.

Angie
22-01-18, 06:12 PM
Glad your feeling a bit brighter hunni x

Jaquaia
22-01-18, 06:25 PM
I'm just not used to someone going out of their way for me. It meant a lot.

Suzi
22-01-18, 08:25 PM
Glad you are feeling a bit brighter lovely.

magie06
23-01-18, 06:49 AM
You're awake early. Do you want to talk?

Suzi
23-01-18, 09:33 AM
How are you feeling today?

Paula
23-01-18, 11:52 AM
Morning, hunni, did you sleep?

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 12:27 PM
Was awake again at 5am but managed to get back to sleep eventually. Woke up about half 9 and it's taken me until now to get up and get something to eat. Just feel exhausted.

Suzi
23-01-18, 12:56 PM
Do you know what keeps waking you up? Can you rest at all today?

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 01:14 PM
No idea what keeps waking me up. I think there's only been 2 days in the last fortnight that I haven't woken up at 5am.
I haven't planned anything today, just waiting for my laptop to be delivered.

Suzi
23-01-18, 01:49 PM
I sympathise. Could it be a change in light or temperature? Anyone else getting up and moving around at that kind of time? Talia?

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 02:15 PM
My dad gets up for work at that time but he has done for years

S deleted
23-01-18, 02:18 PM
New laptop? Cool.

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 02:32 PM
It's purple!!!

S deleted
23-01-18, 02:43 PM
A DWD inspired laptop lol

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 02:55 PM
Funnily enough, it's 2 purples!!!!

Suzi
23-01-18, 03:22 PM
That's awesome! :)

Jaquaia
23-01-18, 03:52 PM
https://ao.com/product/80xr0085uk-lenovo-laptop-purple-52493-251.aspx

Complete bargain! No excuse not to study now

Suzi
23-01-18, 08:25 PM
Awesome!!

Jaquaia
24-01-18, 06:45 PM
Awake again at half 5 but not surprising as I went to bed pretty angry. Spent a good hour or so this morning supporting J as he was really low and then have started looking at my first weeks tasks!

Suzi
24-01-18, 09:07 PM
Angry? Why?
How are the tasks?

Jaquaia
24-01-18, 09:17 PM
They look pretty straightforward so far.

Paula
24-01-18, 09:24 PM
Why were you angry?

Suzi
24-01-18, 10:08 PM
What happened to make you angry?

Jaquaia
24-01-18, 10:15 PM
I've explained in my other thread

Jaquaia
26-01-18, 08:29 PM
Been one of those days today. I felt absolutely exhausted yesterday but managed to focus on a book so just rested and read all day. I didn't want to go to bed until I finished it as I only had a couple of chapters left so stayed up. Finished it about 10 past 12 then talked to Stella for a couple of hours. Finally fell asleep just before 3am and slept through my usual wake up time of half 5... only to be woken up by the dog barking at 6am!!! Took me a few minutes to realise why she was barking, there was someone knocking at the door. Well at 6am, needless to say it set my anxiety off and there was no way I was answering the door. I rang my mum to see if it was her, her phone was at home, rang my dads phone, she'd left that here too. Look through the window and she notices and croaks that it's her. Apparently my dad had taken the keys to work! They were in the car under some tissue!!! So I got knocked up because she couldn't move a bit of tissue to look :@

Angie
26-01-18, 09:53 PM
Blimey hun thats not brilliant

Suzi
26-01-18, 10:55 PM
Oh hunni... I assumed you tried talking to them about it?

Jaquaia
26-01-18, 11:20 PM
I made a point of telling her that it was the only morning I'd not woken up at half 5. She did apologise but it annoyed me that she only had to move one thing to see them. So I ended up dozing off while cuddling up with J and then had to go to a hospital appointment with my mum.

S deleted
27-01-18, 12:31 AM
I’m sorry :(

Jaquaia
27-01-18, 01:01 AM
Don't be sorry as I was awake anyway! It's being knocked up that was the issue! And that sounds so bad phrased like that!

PS. I have orange dime bars. They're lovely!

S deleted
27-01-18, 08:51 AM
That sounds awesome. I might have to try one of those.

Jaquaia
27-01-18, 12:02 PM
Home Bargains

The mutt woke me up at half 5 trying to get in bed with me ;(

Suzi
27-01-18, 01:06 PM
What a lovely way of being woken up! I was woken then too by Casey ;( So I sympathise... Hope you can get a restful more pacing day today lovely...

Jaquaia
27-01-18, 03:50 PM
I'm under orders from J already to rest and relax. I'm just laid reading at the moment.

Paula
27-01-18, 05:29 PM
Good lol

Jaquaia
27-01-18, 07:15 PM
I can be a good girl occasionally!!! (giggle) just spent an hour on the phone with J; it never seems that long as he's so easy to talk to, and I find it really sweet that he wants to look after me. I've never had that before.

I'm hoping that I get a decents night sleep.tonight! Surprisingly, my mood has been ok, I'm just irritable.